Thursday, August 26, 2004

"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"...or How Envy Colours my World

C’Mon sing it with me kids!

"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener,
that is what I truly want to beeeeeeee!
‘Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener,
Everyone would be in love with me!"

(OK so you have to wonder at the marketing genius who made us sing a song (well back in the day) that had us envious of a hot dog…)


So I’d like you to meet my other ‘Gremlin’ (drum roll please) that green-eyed monster (fanfare) Jealousy! (even more fanfare) – (and I am sure it is no small coincidence I have green eyes). I am, have been, continue to be jealous – of her (and of course all those other women) that my husband was lavishing attention on. I have to say this emotion/irrational feeling does truly turn people into monsters.

My husband never used to get jealous – I mean he’d get resentful of my time spent with my kids – but if I needed to deal with my ex-husband or even ex-boyfriends – he was OK with it – but not me – I never trusted him (but then I don’t trust ANY men – and there’s a lot of reason for that and perhaps one day I will delve into that with you). Now mind you when we were first together or not long thereafter – he was on-line doing the same things he was this last year – talking to all sorts of women on the Internet (in some cases young girls) – he even got a young woman to fly out from Boston to meet him in a hotel room – and yes I did find out about that – and yes I broke up with him back then too (Hell you’d think I would have learned my lesson then). So while I will say this is a continuing pattern of behaviour from him, and while I don’t think it’s right - I guess I want to know what I was doing too – in other words was my jealousy causing him to ‘play the part’ to make it all a forgone conclusion ("Well she doesn’t trust me anyway so…").

My envy does not extend to people who have more than me – nicer homes, cars, jewellery – I could care less – that’s just stuff – stuff fades, you can’t take it with you etc. But I should feel that way about the people I love too, no? I mean he’s not mine, is he? I don’t OWN him. I have no right to tell him who he can be friends with or even love. Yes I suppose if you commit yourself to a person, you should not stray. Being married means you don’t get to do that – I mean unless you both agree it’s ok to have an open marriage – I don’t remember agreeing to that.

The other ‘creepy’ thing here, is that this girl (Erin), looks like me (albeit a much younger me) – at least with her glasses on she does – I saw a recent photo and it was kind of eerie. I wonder how much THAT plays into this too – he was replacing me with a younger, more upbeat version. Almost a Stepford wife kind of thing???? I dunno. But I do know that it takes a very strong person to overcome those feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, that fear that she just might have something I don’t have. She just might be able to take my boyfriend, spouse, life-partner away with her better body, brains whatever.

I really need to work on this because someday, someone is going to come along that I will want to be with and I don’t need this ruining my future relationships.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't recall seeing a topic made about this before so I thought I'd make one.

Which of Envy's forms do you like the best? His large beast form, human-shape form(the one he likes to look like), or his little true form?

I like his human-shape form best but his little true form is also extremely cute to me.

1:13 AM  

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