What a difference a year makes
Today would have been my 3-year wedding anniversary. Even though we had been together for several years (this year would be a decade) we had only been 'legally' married for 2 years and a couple of months when I found out about his little 'secret'.
I am sad very sad today. I am hurting (geez as usual) - these days and nights I don't think I can tell you a time when I am not hurting.
I try telling myself my heart will mend, I try putting on a brave face - it does not work very well. I have not cried yet today - wonder if I am all cried out. My social life has turned into a big fat zero - it's my own fault - I just don't feel like it anymore. I have a 'friend' who wants to date me (actually I have a couple of people who want to date me) - but it's just not fair to any of us right now (not me and certainly not them). And, I don't want to get all tied up in the expectancy of the whole thing right now...the last thing I need in my life is more disappointment.
Add to all of this the two very weird conversations - one I had last night with an old friend (who was at our wedding) and then today's with my sister (also at our wedding). The old friend loves both of us, dearly, but he informed me he is glad to hear it's over - he said my husband adored me and he loved me with all his heart but that he just could not be in a relationship as mature as I needed - he also said he felt my husband did not know the difference between right and wrong, that he was seriously and still is seriously fucked up and that nothing is going to change him. This friend also informed me that my ex-husband (whom I left for my current husband) - was still in love with me and has been all along. The reason he knew this was because he worked every single day with my ex-husband (what can I say it's a weird, small world out there).
Today, my sister, who was calling to check on me, also informed me that she thought my ex-husband has never stopped loving me.
OK now my sister does not talk to this old friend, she did not know about this conversation. All of this is weirding me out. Completely. I get absolutely no indication from my ex that he still has any feelings for me other than friendship and we are pretty good friends now - I mean am I truly this dense???
The other thing (for those who have not read my past postings), is the guilt I feel about leaving this man - who did love me, who did not cheat on me, who was a good provider and a good father. He was not a good lover, nor was he a good communicator and under the word macho Sicilian in the dictionary he should have posed for the picture. We simply had a marriage where feelings and emotions were not talked about, much less dealt with. That is not to say he was not emotional but he was not good with his emotions. He was emotional in a lot of the wrong ways. He seemed to believe in the 'traditional' role of a woman in a marriage. This was extremely irritating for me. He was not a very tolerant person, in fact, I cringe when I think of how intolerant of different cultures and people he is - in essence he was very old-fashioned in an Italian/Sicilian sort of way (I can hear Rita Moreno from West Side Story singing to Maria "Stick with your own kind").
For the last two years of it, our marriage was loveless. So this all of this is now going around in my head. Spinning round and round. I'd like to say something to him but I don't know what that would be...I don't really want to put it out there because, if he answered yes.....well I guess I'd be scared shitless. I am scared shitless now. I don't even know why.
I have some other serious issues going on too - this is for another post. Incredible happenings - unbelievable....I will get around to it all I promise.
Until then....
Adieu
I am sad very sad today. I am hurting (geez as usual) - these days and nights I don't think I can tell you a time when I am not hurting.
I try telling myself my heart will mend, I try putting on a brave face - it does not work very well. I have not cried yet today - wonder if I am all cried out. My social life has turned into a big fat zero - it's my own fault - I just don't feel like it anymore. I have a 'friend' who wants to date me (actually I have a couple of people who want to date me) - but it's just not fair to any of us right now (not me and certainly not them). And, I don't want to get all tied up in the expectancy of the whole thing right now...the last thing I need in my life is more disappointment.
Add to all of this the two very weird conversations - one I had last night with an old friend (who was at our wedding) and then today's with my sister (also at our wedding). The old friend loves both of us, dearly, but he informed me he is glad to hear it's over - he said my husband adored me and he loved me with all his heart but that he just could not be in a relationship as mature as I needed - he also said he felt my husband did not know the difference between right and wrong, that he was seriously and still is seriously fucked up and that nothing is going to change him. This friend also informed me that my ex-husband (whom I left for my current husband) - was still in love with me and has been all along. The reason he knew this was because he worked every single day with my ex-husband (what can I say it's a weird, small world out there).
Today, my sister, who was calling to check on me, also informed me that she thought my ex-husband has never stopped loving me.
OK now my sister does not talk to this old friend, she did not know about this conversation. All of this is weirding me out. Completely. I get absolutely no indication from my ex that he still has any feelings for me other than friendship and we are pretty good friends now - I mean am I truly this dense???
The other thing (for those who have not read my past postings), is the guilt I feel about leaving this man - who did love me, who did not cheat on me, who was a good provider and a good father. He was not a good lover, nor was he a good communicator and under the word macho Sicilian in the dictionary he should have posed for the picture. We simply had a marriage where feelings and emotions were not talked about, much less dealt with. That is not to say he was not emotional but he was not good with his emotions. He was emotional in a lot of the wrong ways. He seemed to believe in the 'traditional' role of a woman in a marriage. This was extremely irritating for me. He was not a very tolerant person, in fact, I cringe when I think of how intolerant of different cultures and people he is - in essence he was very old-fashioned in an Italian/Sicilian sort of way (I can hear Rita Moreno from West Side Story singing to Maria "Stick with your own kind").
For the last two years of it, our marriage was loveless. So this all of this is now going around in my head. Spinning round and round. I'd like to say something to him but I don't know what that would be...I don't really want to put it out there because, if he answered yes.....well I guess I'd be scared shitless. I am scared shitless now. I don't even know why.
I have some other serious issues going on too - this is for another post. Incredible happenings - unbelievable....I will get around to it all I promise.
Until then....
Adieu
1 Comments:
First of all, thank you so much for linking to my blog. I’m deeply honoured and eternally grateful. Also, I know how futile and utterly hollow this may sound, as I’m sure you must have heard it lots of times already, but… Although you may never completely recover, there’ll come a day when you’ll at least be able to focus on other things, too, probably even chiefly on other things. Which is not to say that what you’re experiencing at this very moment will disappear altogether, but it’ll dim. Of that I’m sure.
For now I don’t blame you for brooding. That’s necessary, too. I know it isn't much of a consolation, but I'll have your link up on my pages in an instant.
And by the way, "adieu" has a certain conclusive ring to it. How about "au revoir"?
All the best from
Jarle Petterson, Oslo
P.S. Can you imagine what on earth it is that made James Taylor's good, but oh so old, "Handyman" churn in the back of my head upon writing this?
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