Dealing with fall out
As a follow up to my recent post about having a heavy heart, I thought I would share what I wrote on a forum I found.
I am going to warn you now that this is incredibly personal...and if you don't want to - move along - you don't have to read this...it does not have to be YOUR car accident....it's all mine...
Some of you may know, others not - about the affliction my son is dealing with. I say affliction because I don't know what else to call it. I don't want to label it a 'disease' because there is a level of personal responsibility involved in making the choices he is making (nobody CHOOSES to have cancer do they? You see where I am going with this....I hope).
As a parent or loved one of someone struggling like this - I think a lot of us feel lost. Like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. It's truly a rough sea we sail....and I am sick of being seasick. At any rate maybe this will help someone else out there...if not...I am just posting it because I think it needs to be said.
To my son - if you read this, please know - I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you get the help you need. I am here for you.
*************
It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. And mine is so similar. I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son. I too am torn. If this were a 'bonafide disease' like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier. But I don't think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on. Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family. Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this.
Over the past two years of dealing with finding out about his addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore. I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to 'understand' but I feel the NA/AA 'model' is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer's Last Stand, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him. I know it's desperation and a fool's folly, but my mother's heart won't let it go...
I call this journey the "Roller Coaster Ride", because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) - the rules did not apply to him - he stopped seeing his PO. At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him. He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in - was put back on probation....seemed to be doing well.
Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses....and suddenly, he was out of control. I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment - telling me he hated me - telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on...he felt invaded and I, like the idiot mom I am, was trying to be 'concerned'...but as usual he did not want to talk...he never does.
The next thing I know - he had a problem with his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him, because she caught him in a lie - in which he used ME as the excuse...but of course neglected to tell me he used me as an excuse...and his 'line' is always 'Don't talk to (insert whomever's name here)' - because OF COURSE he never wants any of us to compare notes. Because of the falling out with his girlfriend - he decided he could no longer live in my basement. Never mind the fact that recently I found paraphernalia that we specifically agreed was banned....I was apparently the cause of all of his 'mental instability'.
Now, he is living in his car. It is winter in Ohio...
Two days ago, he said he'd be willing to get help...and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he'd get help. The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working...or only sporadically. Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns.
Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage - which we changed now) - and stole over $200....we don't know FOR CERTAIN - but all indicators point to this being the case.
My husband texted him, and after I found out I did as well and again with the emotional roller coaster ride of a phone calls - telling me he never took the money - but he'd replace the money he did not take cause he's
'a bad person'. I told him I did not want his money (I don't) - I just want him to get help. We sent texts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon. I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not. Until the next roller coaster ride/incident.
I feel (as many of you do) held hostage. I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don't even think I possess reason anymore). I don't know what to do - I know cutting him off is the thing TO do...I cannot afford a funeral, and I don't know if my heart can afford losing my son. I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not 'get it' - I feel no one wants to be around me (why would they?) - and I don't feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around...but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself.
I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through. I pray your loved ones find health and healing. Keep talking and don't turn inwards on yourselves...go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group. I know it's where I am heading today or tomorrow.
*************
I am going to warn you now that this is incredibly personal...and if you don't want to - move along - you don't have to read this...it does not have to be YOUR car accident....it's all mine...
Some of you may know, others not - about the affliction my son is dealing with. I say affliction because I don't know what else to call it. I don't want to label it a 'disease' because there is a level of personal responsibility involved in making the choices he is making (nobody CHOOSES to have cancer do they? You see where I am going with this....I hope).
As a parent or loved one of someone struggling like this - I think a lot of us feel lost. Like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. It's truly a rough sea we sail....and I am sick of being seasick. At any rate maybe this will help someone else out there...if not...I am just posting it because I think it needs to be said.
To my son - if you read this, please know - I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you get the help you need. I am here for you.
*************
It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. And mine is so similar. I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son. I too am torn. If this were a 'bonafide disease' like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier. But I don't think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on. Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family. Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this.
Over the past two years of dealing with finding out about his addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore. I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to 'understand' but I feel the NA/AA 'model' is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer's Last Stand, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him. I know it's desperation and a fool's folly, but my mother's heart won't let it go...
I call this journey the "Roller Coaster Ride", because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) - the rules did not apply to him - he stopped seeing his PO. At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him. He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in - was put back on probation....seemed to be doing well.
Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses....and suddenly, he was out of control. I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment - telling me he hated me - telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on...he felt invaded and I, like the idiot mom I am, was trying to be 'concerned'...but as usual he did not want to talk...he never does.
The next thing I know - he had a problem with his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him, because she caught him in a lie - in which he used ME as the excuse...but of course neglected to tell me he used me as an excuse...and his 'line' is always 'Don't talk to (insert whomever's name here)' - because OF COURSE he never wants any of us to compare notes. Because of the falling out with his girlfriend - he decided he could no longer live in my basement. Never mind the fact that recently I found paraphernalia that we specifically agreed was banned....I was apparently the cause of all of his 'mental instability'.
Now, he is living in his car. It is winter in Ohio...
Two days ago, he said he'd be willing to get help...and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he'd get help. The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working...or only sporadically. Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns.
Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage - which we changed now) - and stole over $200....we don't know FOR CERTAIN - but all indicators point to this being the case.
My husband texted him, and after I found out I did as well and again with the emotional roller coaster ride of a phone calls - telling me he never took the money - but he'd replace the money he did not take cause he's
'a bad person'. I told him I did not want his money (I don't) - I just want him to get help. We sent texts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon. I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not. Until the next roller coaster ride/incident.
I feel (as many of you do) held hostage. I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don't even think I possess reason anymore). I don't know what to do - I know cutting him off is the thing TO do...I cannot afford a funeral, and I don't know if my heart can afford losing my son. I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not 'get it' - I feel no one wants to be around me (why would they?) - and I don't feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around...but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself.
I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through. I pray your loved ones find health and healing. Keep talking and don't turn inwards on yourselves...go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group. I know it's where I am heading today or tomorrow.
*************
posted by Colette at 12:32 PM
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