Dutch Witches Get Tax Break for Studies

Perhaps it's time to think about moving to Holland

Blessed Samhain to all my fellow Wiccans and Pagans out there

On 'Prof' Kinsey

OK....

So I've been doing some soul searching. Especially after watching the aforementioned PBS special about Kinsey and his revolutionary take on human sexuality.

I've come to understand that sometimes we can't help the people we fall in love with - even when they are toxic to us. I have also come to understand that sometimes we do things that cause others pain - and sometimes we can't control our own urges (sexual and otherwise).

Upon the return of my ex I had to see him - I actually picked him up from the airport. He knew how upset I was.

I made it pretty clear to him that I could no longer be drawn into anything with him. I felt bad even talking to him like this after the loss of his father. He told me that he knew what he had been doing was wrong. I told him I was not there to judge him - I just needed to keep myself sane and safe. He told me he knew he needed help and he told me he felt he was addicted to this type of behaviour (note to Mr. C - this was a small victory but it did not feel like one).
I told him I had heard him apologize before that it was up to him to fix him - not anyone else.

He wants to be friends with me - he wants me in his life...I don't know what to do about this other than keep my distance until such a time where I feel he can't hurt me anymore...I don't know if that is ever going to happen. When it comes to my heart I kind of doubt it...if there is such a thing as being too nice, too compassionate, I seem to be the poster child for that.

And so I think about the work of Prof. Kinsey and the enormous impact it had on human sexuality. Part of me applauds his bravery, his forward-thinking attitudes. Part of me feels that he was perverse and just trying to get his rocks off. As many sexual researchers today will tell you - he left out some really important concepts in his research. Such as love, loyalty, societal mores. While perhaps these were not 'scientific' enough for the good professor - they are -(I might add unfortunately)- what life ends up being about when it comes to the 'science' of love.

Sure, we are 'chemically' and biologically attracted to the opposite sex (and in some cases the same sex)....but after that biological need is sated things get a bit complex. For many of us, I think that's where we run into problems. Would that we could just do our 'biological thing' and be done with it - but then we have to (sometimes) go and ruin it by falling in love. We fall in love with the 'wrong' people all the time, we fall in love with the 'right' people all the time too, but then we get bored - or things change and the 'chemistry' is somehow altered. I think that if we could be more logical about things there'd be less heartache. Or perhaps the lesson is to learn to live in the moment and the future be damned. I don't know the answers (obviously). I do know that I am an idiot. I seem to be a romanticist at heart and my heart feels like it's breaking all the time - all because I was dumb enough to fall in love with a man who does not know how to even properly love himself. Yet I feel helpless in loving him. I feel like that stupid fucking Meatloaf song (please take no offense Mr. Meatloaf) 'Two out of Tree Ain't Bad' - it sucks it really sucks. And as intelligent as I consider myself to be, this situation continues to plague me. Sure, it'd be great if I could just have a mad, passionate affair (I have said this before) - but my own self-esteem, or my outdated notion that sex should be a spiritual experience and not just merely a biological function - damns me to this self-imposed prison.

Part of me feels I don't even want to fall in love anymore - it's just to friggin' painful. But the other part is telling me to just hold out (for what? I don't know). That there is something better just around the bend or over the horizon (or rainbow, perhaps).

I salute Professor Kinsey and his work This PBS special certainly made me think and made me understand a lot more about my own precarious situation and even put me at ease to some extent.

I hope my ex finds whatever it is he is looking for. I hope he finds peace or love or both. As I sit here in someone else's house, blogging about my own heart-song, I just happened to look up at my sister-in-laws shelf here at her computer desk and read the daily calendar meditation with a mandala and the meditation reads: "Meditate with compassion for the ignorant" - well folks as far as I am concerned in the ways of love most of us are just that. Those of us lucky enough to have found our 'soul mate', (which, according to my Yoga teacher 'soul mates' don't exist)or perhaps the secret is that those people are just persistent enough, or strong enough to fight for their loves no matter what comes their way - the rest of use are envious.

I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life (I refuse to look a gift horse in the mouth). I love so many people and I am loved by a lot of people as well and that is gift enough. While I continue to hope for another 'lightning bolt' that may never come - I am at least content in the knowledge that I have had great love in my life and Goddess willing I will have it again - with or without the biological imperative...and wouldn't it be a blessing to put all that aside as well...

Time, time, time...what's become of us?

*yawn*

May it be duly noted I hate the time change....

OK, so I am here - living at my brothers - watching his house and his three dogs. All Labradors, two of them are Chocolate Labs...

The first night, Friday, I was woken up at 4AM by the yellow lab "Pinky" she apparently had gotten sick in her crate, probably from the earlier (day before my brother and his family left)meal of a small blanket or rug....so after an hour of trying to ignore her bark/kinda-howl I got up, let them all out and then tried going back to bed....

Last night was a little better, however since I was so tired I decided not to go out to either of the two things I was invited to. It was either going to be a Halloween party at a good friend's house, or go to a movie with Mr. C...

*pouts*

I am so pissed at myself for not going out...I was even thinking of getting a noose for around my neck - dressing in normal clothes and going as that poor woman who hung herself and was mistaken for a decoration...I was going to make a placard to wear that simply said 'NOT a Halloween Decoration!'...I know, it was a sick idea...

So now I am blogging a bit before turning in for the night because I am still kind of tired from staying in and trying to sleep in a strange house...

CNN.com - Body hanging from tree mistaken for Halloween decoration - Oct 28, 2005

CNN.com - Body hanging from tree mistaken for Halloween decoration - Oct 28, 2005


OOOOPPPPS!

Well hopefully the dead have some sense of irony.

CNN.com - Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination - Oct 27, 2005

CNN.com - Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination - Oct 27, 2005


SCORE! YA-FRIGGIN'-HOO

I'll take 'I'm a bumbling idiot for $200, Alex'

Did anyone else watch 'Jeopardy' last night?

What the fuck was up with the woman in the priest collar giving all the wrong questions to the religious answers?????

Betcha God's realy upset with her this morning....perhaps he'll defrock her.

^_^

CNN.com - White House�to Onion: Stop using seal - Oct 26, 2005

CNN.com - White House�to Onion: Stop using seal - Oct 26, 2005

Yes indeedy Mr. Dikkers I agree, the White House needs to worry a helluva lot more about finding Osama AND finding and punishing CRIMINALS in their OWN ranks such as the VP MR. 'DICK', Mr. Libby, and Mr. Rove.

American Experience | Kinsey | PBS

American Experience | Kinsey | PBS

Fascinating...really and truly and I will comment more later....because after all isn't that why you guys tune in, for Colette's own special 'take' on things?

^_^

Idle hands..

(...and I can’t remember the end of the quote...something to do with the devil….)

A recap of weekend events:

Friday evening, I got to spend it with my favourite people, Liam and Sid. I went over there right after work. We sat around and talked for a bit. Mainly about me feeling betrayed all over again (these guys have seen me through this and they are so patient with my whining). Sid asked me about wasting energy on all of this (a very valid point) – he somehow sees me as ‘Yoga Chick’ which means, what? I don’t know? I think he thinks I am above the fray somehow – but in reality I am not. I ranted for a while then explained that we don’t pick whom we love and him (my ex that is) being a louse does not (unfortunately for me) stop me from loving him. I went on to say that compassion is one of the greatest gifts I possess and while at times it may seem that it allows me to be a doormat – if I don’t get to the point of forgiveness it will hold me prisoner. However that I have every right in the world to be angry, hurtful, seeking vengeance – because those too are human traits – they are ugly and poisonous but human nonetheless.

We all went out gown shopping for a gala I was to attend Saturday night. I have to tell you that Sid’s taste in gowns is amazing and I ended up buying something that I would have never found on my own but it was perfect for me. Very retro (1920s-1930s style) – eggplant in colour – gorgeous. We went back to their place and ordered pizza and watched a Madonna special ‘Je vais te dire une secret’ ‘I want to tell you a secret’...

I was really impressed with this special and even more so with Madonna -whom I must admit to not being fond of insomuch as being a student of the Qaballah – however she seems to take her study seriously and al students that decide to embrace such a venture should be treated with respect. At one point in one of her readings (pretty sure this came from the Rabbinical studies of the ancient texts) – Madonna talks about how one of the teachings was that not only should you forgive those who trespass against you but you should wish them well. It is an incredibly hard lesson to learn and even harder to practice…when we are trespassed against more often than not we want to hurt back…we don’t want to be kind, forgiving, loving towards someone who hurts us.

On Saturday I was asked to (told to) attend a black tie gala to benefit MOTTEP (which is an educational program to help minorities – mainly African Americans – to get information on organ transplant). Local celebs were in attendance as well as doctors, their wives and consorts and patients that were being honoured. It was a really nice evening and I had tears in my eyes at several points (once was during a violin rendition of Amazing Grace). The other was listening to patients talk about how their lives were changed by receiving a transplant. It made me humbled and proud of what I do...

Sunday was spent working on the Yoga studio and then going to my brother’s house for dinner. It was a great time with my brother and sister in law and I am dog-sitting and house sitting for them while they will be on vacation in Florida with their kids, checking out the house that Disney built. I hope they all have a blast.

So that’s the weekend in recap – not too bad – not spectacular. But it’s always nice to be with the people I love.

Again I've really been remiss with blogging but this is my busy season (I think) – more on all the Yoga crap later...

The kindness of strangers

Never ceases to amaze me – and I’ve written about it before.

I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write – I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it’s not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. ‘Di’ Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.

*********

So I’ve been on what Mr. C calls the ‘divorce diet’ once again not really eating (the way I should) – I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I’ve been sleeping somewhat but it’s fitful. I’ve been holding this in and I want to explode.

HE calls me.
He talks to me – asks about the cats, tells me how sad he’s been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea – but that’d be too good for him <*weak smile*>
Our conversations go something like this:

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it’s been hard down here….I wish you were here…
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you…this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What’s wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself – you mean I am not being ‘friendly’ enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what’s wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that’s what your thinking {he’s a bit upset now – well more so at least – he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C – talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong.
Me: Look this isn’t the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there – be with your mom – don’t worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order…
Me: Yeah OK – well give your mom my best – talk to you later.
{end}


This went on for a couple of days – mainly I just acted numb on the phone – now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty ( it's sort of like 'please for Goddess’ sake shut the hell up C' – kind of experience) – or sometimes – like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)

Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk – finally I went absolutely ape-shit on him – I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet ‘as fun’ that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him – he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn’t know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done – totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or from (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).

I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things – that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me – again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment – answering for him - he trashed it – and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone I’d make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally

*sigh*

Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the ladmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.

It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).

I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.

Somehow...someday....

The hole in my heart

I just don't even know where to begin....

I've raved and ranted, I've let the world know just how heart-broken I was over what happened in my marriage. I've gotten nasty and vicious and all those things scorned women get....it literally does my heart no good. In fact at times I am pretty sure I am going to end up having heart failure (it's something you know - in a way that's the very core of your DNA). One of the women I work with in the Center for Integrative Medicine is a nurse who talks about heart attacks in relation to these things - she says if you look at people who have had heart attacks, you can almost pin-point 2-5 years in the past where they took a huge emotional blow. It' happened to my mom and now it's happening to me....

For all the hate I spewed. All the dysfunction. There is still some sort of 'feeling' inside of my for him. I don't know why. Part of me feels like I am in bondage. He calls me -we talk - why? Because I think that just continuing to be nasty to him isn't helping anyone. I've asked him to leave me alone - he does not.
While he has been in Florida, I have been feeding his cats (I reason that they were once my cats too) - but it's like there are invisible string tying me still to him and I can't seem to break them. I desperately need to do this. It's like spyder's web (pun intended) silk and it's sticky and powerful.

I just discovered while I was at his place that he has indeed been having trysts with me - it was always an inkling before - now is more of an in-your-face proof. To say I am once again devastated would be an understatement. I am physically ill. Mainly because he has kept saying over and over - he will change - he wants to win/woo me back - and while for the most part I've blown him off as being full of shit (well mainly because he's always been full of shit and a liar) - still the cold hard truth staring me down did something to me. It made me unravel all over again - I don't know why. I am hurting so badly - and I don't know why. I don't know why I needed to be kept safe from this info - I really don't know what I expected - I don't know why I am crying as I write this - I don't know why yet again, my heart feels broken. I do - but I don't - When you've loved someone for as long as I've loved him - broken relationship or not - it somehow becomes part of the fabric of your you-ness. I knew it was hopeless - but that little tiny part of me just clung to hope like somehow, someday he would figure things out, he would get help, he would change - but I guess I also knew deep down that would never happen - it's why I got divorced from him - if I had honestly felt there was hope - I'd have never filed those papers. So...I still don't know why this hurts me so badly (yet again...).

When we found out his dad died, and he told me he was going to Florida - my exact words to him were 'Good - why don't you stay down there with your Mom - it's a way for you to start over' - I meant it - when he calls to check on the cats - I still tell him to stay there. I tell him I am not a reason for him to return. I am sure we could figure out a way to get him his stuff. All I know is I don't want him back - not ever.

I have not told him that I found out what I found out. I wrote him an e-mail (oh how very me of me)- in the e-mail I told him everything - I did ask him the other day if he read his e-mail - he said he had not gotten around to it yet - he asked me why - but I changed the subject - it's not something I am going to fight about over the phone. In the e-mail, I told I would feed his cats but then I'd leave his keys once I knew he was coming home and that I wanted no further contact with him...I don't know why I think 'this time' he will listen to me. I don't want to face him to tell him what I know, because if I break down in front of him he will know he's hurt me (and perhaps that's why he does this?) - I can't bear this shit anymore - I am just not this strong - my heart can't take it - literally. All I want is for him to go away - be out of my life, stop calling me, stop pulling at me, stop all of it.

I don't know how many of you have had this happen - I think women who are betrayed go through this more than men do - they just want their ex to die - that way it's all over with. I don't know when you are suppose to stop feeling this way. At times I just with *I* could die and end this cycle of love/hate/longing/delusion.

Mr. C is very wise - he wants me to think differently - I know that I have to (for my own sanity) - he is right. He feels and I've known this as well too for a long time - that it's a co-dependent relationship - we apparently both get something out of this. Although for a while now there's been nothing for me to get out of it other than listening to him or helping him out once in a while. Even though I still hurt - the hurt isn't as sharp - it's this dull ache - but I cry now, once again cause it rises up, sharp as a razor's edge and clamps onto me like a pit bull and won't let go - and Goddess all I want is freedom from this - just once and for all. My other friend (she is his friend too - Miss G - the one who is forcing her boyfriend to marry her) - wants me to not say anything to him at all - why should I be so cruel to him right after he lost his dad she wants to know (right, a dad he absolutely hated - a dad who is the reason he is having trysts with older men) - spare him? Why? Because I am so fucking compassionate? Nope - not this time. This time I think that in order to do what I need to do I need to stop being so nice and I need to make it so that there is absolutely no question at all that he needs to leave me the hell alone - that there is no hope - there's nothing to hold onto and there's never going to be. Faerie tales are nice but that's all they are - they are not reality. It's not easy (has any of this been easy?) - those of you who have read me all along know (I think) how hard this has all been for me - I want to ask Mr. C at times though what advice he has for me to accomplish what I need to do other that 'put him (my ex) on ignore'. It's harder said than done, Mr. C. But I shall have to try with all my might - because my life depends on it....

For those of you who live local to me - I am going to need your help a bit (if that's not too too much to ask) - help me to get out a little more - and any of you who want a go at it with him - by all means - I don't mean to ask - I just need some help....

Starbucks stirs things up with a God quote on cups - Yahoo! News

Starbucks stirs things up with a God quote on cups - Yahoo! News

So - on top of it already being a major hassle to order coffee (OK I will rephrase) - to stand BEHIND someone ordering a convoluted cup of java - I now have to have God 'thrust' upon me too???

Well as a good friend Mr. Hess once said: 'Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks'

Home again...

I am home from visiting my daughter and her family. I've spent the last 2 days in bed because I have some kind of flu-like bug. I also have had a tremendous emotional hurt thrust upon me and once again I get to relive the hurt created by my ex - only this time the things I had only had an inkling of him doing I now know are in fact very 'real' - I don't know how to write about this right now without completely losing my mind. Part of me feels that this 'flu' was indeed brought on by my sadness/anger/hurt over all of this - I mean sure the kids were sick but...I should have fought this off.

More later...

The 2006 Lulu Blooker Prize for Blooks

The 2006 Lulu Blooker Prize for Blooks

This was sent to me by C2 - who seems to think that I can 'enter' into this (or at least I am assuming this is why she sent this to me) - I have been told to do this before - to take all that I have written and turn it into a book. I fear that I don't have the confidence to do this - I also fear I odn't have the talent that some others seem to think I exude through my meager writing skills....

Who knows perhaps once I get past some very personal matters I am dealing with right now - I will look into this.

Calling them out - MLB - Yahoo! Sports

Calling them out - MLB - Yahoo! Sports

I am so totally confused by all of this...are there any sports fans out there? Or at least ones who could expalin this to me without making my head spin?

^_^

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. - Dylan Thomas

My ex sent this to me recently...we were both poetry fans and this was one of his favourites.

Well on Tuesday night his father (my ex father-in-law) passed away. I don't know if somewhere in my ex's psyche he 'felt' this coming or not...

I was not (to be honest) fond of his dad at all. He was much of the time a womanizing ass - it's probably where my ex learned that behaviour. He had his moments of kindness - and, deep down he meant well. He was a generous man.

I am still sad for my ex's loss. No one wants to lose a parent. I think it's one of the hardest things to deal with. My sympathies and my concerns are with them as they mourn this loss.

Staff at New Orleans hospital debated euthanizing patients - Oct 12, 2005

CNN.com - Staff at New Orleans hospital debated euthanizing patients - Oct 12, 2005

Wow! This is some pretty intense stuff....

The ties that bind

us to each other, are sometimes the hardest ones to bear....

The reason why I decided to even write about this was because of this piece done on 'The Today Show' on NBC. My daughter struggled with this issue.

So I decided to write about my daughter and our relationship and it's many trials and tribulations. I've been hesitant to air this but it's been sitting inside my head and my heart for a long time now and I think it needs some light and some fresh air.

*******************

I have a daughter. I really don't talk much about her - except in terms of her being a new mom (and now pregnant yet again with her third child - YES ANOTHER KID).

I was living in Houston when I found out I was pregnant with my first born. I can tell you the exact time she was conceived (Valentine's Day/Night). When her dad found out he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy. I fought him about this and won the fight, but in many ways I lost the fight too.

He began to turn abusive when I was about 5 months along (I did not know at the time he was sick with a rare kidney disease). He seemed angry all the time and it was stressful. I had not been getting very good prenatal care; I had protein in my urine, I had high blood pressure, and I was not healthy. 8 months into my pregnancy, her dad and I got into a fight about cleaning the carpets before she arrived and he beat the hell out of me; I am lucky I was able to carry her to term...

When I finally did go into labour with her, it lasted for 48 hours (it was dry labour - my water had broke and I did not even realize it because I was going to the bathroom at the time and I remember thinking 'Gee I am really peeing for an awful long time'). Because I was having a hard time with labour and delivery and because, according to fetal monitoring, she was under stress and having a hard time as well - she was a forceps delivery.

He was not with me during labour (we were not married and they would not let him in with me). In fact, no one was in with me because I had no relatives living in Houston and the hospital would not let friends into the room with me. I was alone for the entire delivery. I was screamed at by the nurses, and actually made fun of as well. It was horrid.

She entered the world screaming. I was too tired to even care. They brought her to me almost immediately. She was to stay in my room round the clock; I never got a break from all the hours of labour and delivery. No sleep - because she was screaming all the time, and nothing I did seemed to calm her.

We brought her home. She was a long baby and she had a long neck and she looked like ET (yes ET from the Spielberg movie), but she changed and turned lovely. She had colic though - colic so bad that I did not sleep once I got home either - not at all. He was absolutely no help; I don't know why I thought it would be any different. For three months it seemed, I was unable to get a decent nights sleep. She would wail and scream and nothing would help her. I spoke to a pediatrician who told me colic was an old wives tale and basically I was full of it...at one point it got so bad I had to physically leave the house because I knew I'd end up throwing her against a wall; I was in serious trouble. His cousins lived nearby and they tried to help but in the end it was she and I alone, trying to survive.

Eventually she outgrew the colic and became a normal baby. She was cute, although she did not talk a whole lot but she tried walking pretty early. Unfortunately things between her dad and I got worse. Mainly because he was sick and was not getting help. We would have some pretty bad fights, and, at one point he threw something at me when I was holding her. I knew it was time to get out, but I did not have anywhere to go.

We had moved out of our former apartment comlex, which for all intents and purposes was in the barrio in Houston - it was dangerous - especially since I was alone most night since he worked a 3rd shift job in a Porn shop. We got a much nicer apartment but it meant me having to go to work. I really wanted someone to watch her during the day but he reasoned we could not afford this and that he would watch her. I told him since he worked all night I was worried he'd be too tired to keep an eye on an active baby - but he won that argument too - I was beginning to be afraid of him.

I would get up at 4 A.M. to go to work. Our downstairs neighbour got me a job in a bindery for one of the city papers. One afternoon as we got home, there was a group of people outside my apartment door and the wife of the neighbour who got me the job, as well as out apartment manager. It seemed that he had fallen asleep so hard he did not hear our daughter screaming; she had been up and crying since 10 A.M. that morning - it was now 2:30 in the afternoon - he was dead to the world on the couch - my daughter was trembling, scared, almost at the point of hyperventilation from crying so hard. She was so upset she nearly did not recognize me. The excitement abated once I got home and we tried to wake him up - and he did wake up very groggy - discombobulated. The nosy neighbours left, except my downstairs neighbor, she asked me to come downstairs and talk I went begrudgingly; she basically told me that unless I left him she would make sure to have social services take my daughter away - I knew she meant it (this from a woman who was cooking meth in her bathroom and was into drugs big time)- but I could not risk it. The very next day I left him and moved downstairs. Sometime after that, I met the man I was going to marry, have my son with and who would become my daughter step-father and in my heart her true dad.

As I have indicated my daughter's father passed away from a rare kidney disease. My daughter was only 6 years old when he died, and it hit her really hard.

Around the age of 10 years old, sometime after her dad had passed and years after I was remarried, my daughter began acting out. It started with little things, problem in school, problems with the kids in school (she had practically no friends), and constant moodiness. It moved to bigger things, she would steal from my purse - once she took my bike to school and never let me know and we then had a really embarrassing moment at the school because she had locked up my bike with my lock but did not know the combination...she was always lying about things. She was having problems in school. We took her to a counselor who basically told me that she felt the problem with my daughter was that she was a brat (I am not kidding you). We were seen as a family too; I was told my husband was trying to be a Q/A manager to the family instead of being a dad and husband. Looking back I feel there was a bit of one-upmanship going on between the Dr. and my husband.

When my husband and I separated, my daughter came to live with me, her ½ brother stayed with his dad...we still saw each other all the time but it just wasn't the same. I put my daughter in a school system she really wanted to go to. I had a new man in my life - she didn't like him. When he and I had problems she internalized all of it. Things got worse between us and his depression started spiraling out of control. To get her away from all of this we moved to Lakewood, OH. This was her idea as well (her cousin lived in Lakewood). I thought all would be good until she began really having problems in school (and again it seemed my daughter's social skills and interpersonal skills were sorely lacking - I mean it couldn't keep being that EVERY school she went to the kids didn't like her - could it?) I felt bad because I too was the brunt of a lot of torture (being a nerd and all) so I totally understood; but how do you make friends FOR your kids??? I felt she'd have to work it out somehow on her own...that was until she began to get death threats and finally came home bruised one day and I had to file charges against the kids who beat her and threaten to sue the school. She decided one weekend to run away - we were beside ourselves with fear - thank Goddess she came up safe and she told us it was because of school - she did not tell us it was because she was unhappy with me as well. Needless to say I had to move again. It was also around this time that I found out my daughter was 'cutting'. To this day I will never be able to understand someone's motivation for harming themselves in such a fashion; but she told me one day how it felt and perhaps now I can understand it more than I did then. She told me she felt she was in a black hole, surrounded by darkness, sobbing and telling me: "It's so dark inside of me Mom!" to this day it makes me cry; but somehow we just weren't connecting; she just would not let me in; she was so frightened and probably did not feel safe talking to me. I immediately got her into counseling - I was frightened for her. The counselor was very helpful and reassured me that my daughter would be OK. Now I realise she meant physically. Mentally and behaviourally she was out of control. She was cutting scool - she was running with kids that she shold not have been with - she cause a lot of problems in our house.

At the age of 18 years old she was only a junior in school. She was suppose to go for the summer to her paternal grandmother's house in West VA. She wanted to go out the night before she left and I let her. She never came home. She never got on the bus to go to West VA. For 36 hours she was missing. The local police would not do anything because she was 18 years old. I was beside myself. Fianlly I got a call from her sayin 'Hey Mom I heard you were looking for me...what do you want' - really snotty. I asked her where she was she told me it was none of my business. She told me she wanted a night out with friends and she was 18 now and things were going to change. I saw red. I said 'You are damn well straight they are. You get your ass home right now and get your stuff because otherwise it's going out on the tree-lawn - I have ahd it! And, if you think you are going to live your life this way under MY roof in my house you are sadly mistaken. I want my keys back and if you think you can live better out there on your own go for it.' She showed up with the son of the former Governor of the State of Ohio - she was hanging with him (he was 23 yrs old at that time - oh and I had a great conversation with his mother)...so, in essence I kicked my daughter out of my house. I just could not take it anymore.

She hung with that young man for about a week and he dumped her on her girlfriend. Around this same time she was hanging out with a young man she would end up marrying. They decided to move in together. He seemed to be a good influence on her. They ended up in an apartment right up the street from me - and we barely saw each other things between us were just too strained.

About 1/2 a year into their relationship she took off on him too (no apparently it was not me causing her to run away from her own life) - what she did was pretty sordid and I am going to bow out on reporting it. Suffice it to say she needed rescuing and he went and rescued her. To that end I owe this young man quite a lot.

They are married now. For a while they lived with his parents. They are up in Michigan and they have two beautiful children (and now one on the way). He is a pretty intense fundamentalist Christian and when I say that I mean that it is somewhat cultish - kind of scary - and of course, my daughter follows him blindly. I don't mean to knock 'Christianity' but this is a form of it I have never seen and simply can not agree with (it's just too bizarre - way too archaic for me) if you want to check it out you can go to
this website .

Perhaps they will 'outgrow' this - perhaps they will create a compound somewhere in a sparsely poplulated area, and, perhaps because I won't buy into their side of things, I won't get to see my grandchildren and obviously I don't want that to happen. What DOES go on now between us is a sort of dance, with me being very delicate and trying to curb my tongue and accept her choices because I don't want to ultimately lose her (and I never did) - I've come to realise over the years though that sometimes you just don't get a say in things, even when those 'things' involve your kids. I just hope and pray that they all live happily ever after....or at least if I have to go 'rescue' her from her own decisions that the 'real' God will be on our side.

Unicef bombs the Smurfs in fund-raising campaign for ex-child soldiers

Telegraph | News | Unicef bombs the Smurfs in fund-raising campaign for ex-child soldiers

From C2 - apparently Unicef is using Smurfs to spread their own special brand of propaganda...

Shroud Of Cartman Appears On My Sofa

Shroud Of Cartman Appears On My Sofa

Funny...via C2

Ashlee Simpson Really Does Sing on 'SNL' - Yahoo! News

Ashlee Simpson Really Does Sing on 'SNL' - Yahoo! News

Yeah...well too bad she looks so fugly in blonde hair....besides who cares if she 'really' sang? I am not tuning in to watch Ashlee Simpson or anyone else sporting the name 'Ashlee'

My brother's suicide - CNN.com

CNN.com - My brother's suicide - Sep 27, 2005

This is a really intense piece that must have been really hard to write.
In a word - it's haunting.

Senate ignores veto threat in limiting detainee treatment - Oct 6, 2005

CNN.com - Senate ignores veto threat in limiting detainee treatment - Oct 6, 2005

...as well the Senate should. What purpose do we serve by torturing other humans????
Look either charge the guys in Gitmo with something or let them go - put them on trial - or let them go - this isn't the 50's and we aren't the Vietcong - it's time to be the humans we are meant to be.

I am not saying that people who have tried to attack should not be incarcerated, should not be punished - but they should be treated with respect - they are still human beings - and what? The White House is going to veto this BECAUSE WE as Americans WANT to torture people?????? I can not agree with this - I just can't - I mean I know I am not a soldier - but I just don't get how the violation of other humans rights gets anyone anywhere....

Thousands gather for rare eclipse

What an incredible picture....


 

Anatomy of a Photograph

Anatomy of a Photograph

This was really fascinating stuff....found by C2

FARK.com: Theme: If the world were run by Goths.

FARK.com: Theme: If the world were run by Goths.

Funny...from Daiv

OK now...let me explain

While I was out of town....my yoga studio flooded.

This has been an ongoing problem - we've had leaks in the roof. I was pretty much ready to stop altogether. But we were told the roof would be fixed - and told, and told.

Well finally they got a crew up there - and that's when the whole thing went to hell. My studio got soaked. Thank the Godz we had already pulled up the carpeting.

However now - the guy I am partnering with is being just a real peach and has promised the landlord we will put down new carpeting. And the landlord because we are having this problem is giving us 6 months of free rent.

Now I want to say I have no capital invested in this venture. None. Zip. But I am furious - I lost all the handouts I would give to my students - I think I have the originals somewhere. I lost some Yoga Journal Magazines. I lost some office supplies. And my CDs all got water-logged (really bad) - but I think I can salvage a lot of them.

So now I am really upset, angry - not just with the idiot landlord but with my 'partner' for his lack of balls. I mean sure we get 6 months free rent but I don't know if that is going to make up for what we will have to spend on carpeting, painting etc. Further because of this I have had to postpone the start of the classes 3 times!!! Cause I kept having to call my students and tell them they were fixing the roof and now I don't know what to tell them. The new tentative date for classes is Oct. 24th....but I am afraid to even start building up the class again.

And while I love the guy I am working with - I really think he needs to play hard ball with this landlord. He has a thriving massage business (and his office is not affected the way my studio space is), but if I keep having to put off classes what little student base I DO have is going to dwindle to nothing and it's my reputation at stake here....

So now...it's raining....and I am hoping it is raining there too (it's about 8 minutes away by car from my home) because if the room gets wet again, I am going to gracefully bow out of this venture (which again my friend was kind enough to offer)-and just begin again to contract myself out as a yoga teacher.

So pray for rain - lots of rain (not that I want to ruin the locals' weekend here...but...it's for a good cause).

From Mr. C

These were pretty funny...
**************************


BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"

--Brooke Shields,
during an interviewing for a anti-smoking campaign spokesperson.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." (we are????)

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) and he wanted to be
President!!!!!!!!!


```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." does he know where he almost grew up???.....

--Dan Quayle

``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
(I say all we can get, I'll take his clean air)

--Lee Iacocca

```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." (Oh, well that's different, I think)??????

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." (really???????)

--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)

````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Powerful stuff....

Woo! Woo!

It's raining....



Let it pour!

Katrina - a photoset on Flickr

Katrina - a photoset on Flickr

Sent to me by C2.....what a mess! I feel for these people.

C2's comment: "The mold and filth everywhere, disgusting. I wouldn't know where to begin. A match and gasoline come to mind..."

The song 'Burning Down the House' by The Talking Heads comes to mind with her comments....maybe that would be the thing to do especially if the house is covered in mold.....

On a somewhat similar note I have some blogging to do about my own recent experience with flooding and it's not good guys...and right now it seems like a mysterious thing to do (but I would not be quite so Colette without a litte mystery, eh?) - I am asking you all to pray for rain - do a rain dance - but we need some rain....

More later....

CNN.com - Conan giving show to U2

CNN.com - Conan giving show to U2 - Oct 5, 2005

I am going to admit here that U2 is one of my favourite bands - perhaps it's because it's nice to see the lads from Ireland doing well - at some point I felt they sold out - but no matter, not to worry....Bono makes up for it with his looks, his soul and his humanitarianism and for singing one of the best quotes about 'God' I've yet to hear:

"The God I know's not short on cash Mister...'

So here's to the bonnie lads from my ancestor's home...and here's to hopin' I can stay up late to watch them....

^_^

NPR : Stretching the Senses in 'Touch the Sound'

NPR : Stretching the Senses in 'Touch the Sound'

This was a really interesting piece on NPR - check it out...

Clowns ease anxiety in young patients -study

Clowns ease anxiety in young patients -study - Yahoo! News

OK - someone has to be lying here - everyone I talk to is afraid of clowns....

And duh! Of course the doctors and nurses were annoyed - wouldn't you be if there were a clown in YOUR operating theatre?

TV worth watching/or Pop goes the revolution

When I was a child, the marketing geniuses at PBS used to say that ‘TV worth watching was TV worth paying for…’ Today, what with *my* high cable bill (because we get our high-speed internet that way; and ‘Dish Network’ we are all paying for the crap on TV. I don’t watch a lot of TV – mainly because it’s all dreck to me – but I do try to support and watch my PBS stations.

Last week, on the 2 PBS stations (Akron’s WEAO and Cleveland’s WVIZ), there were some wonderful shows about musical roots. The first one aired on WEAO/Akron and it was entitled ‘It’s everything and then it’s gone’ (LINK)
This was a great candid show about the music scene in Akron during the late 70s and the punk music that came out of that gritty city. The show was really interesting and I really enjoyed hearing those first hand accounts. DEVO’s history was especially intriguing.

On Wednesday evening WVIZ ran ‘Get Up, Stand Up’ (LINK) ‘The Story of Pop and Protest’. This was a wonderful show as well – however I could see where something like this would actually require a Ken Burn’s ‘treatment’. They did a really good job of covering the days of Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger, as well as the anti-war movement during the 60s/70s (the Vietnam era), but I feel that, after that the documentary was a bit lacking – not giving nearly as much attention to the decades that followed.

I really wanted to sit with my son and watch these programs but he was working his job at the local pizza shop. Also at times (other than the music of the Beatles and one Sir John Lennon) – it’s hard for me to get him to understand the power of Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, Bob Dylan etc. However, he does adore Bob Marley (but I fear that’s for less than altruistic reasons: (probably the ‘ganja mon!’).

Part of me thinks that kids should be taught from early on to think about what the ‘powers that be’ are trying to sell us – to not be so complacent – to not heed the call of the piper and turn into sheep. I feel that when I was growing up I lucky because my older cousins talked to me and I was ‘socially aware’ at a young age. And, while I talk to my son, and I do feel he is not a sheep, I don’t think I’d see him at a protest rally (but then it might be too early to tell), I don’t want to suggest we were braver then (perhaps we were stupider then – or more ‘drugged out’). Perhaps the problem becomes in this day and age, we WANT our kids to be sheep. It’s too much trouble when they talk back to us. Or perhaps it’s the culture of the administration of the schools and the teachers that would rather have their charges be docile than deal with ‘trouble makers’ – but to not question, to just go blithely through life, melting in with the background, always being good, always doing as your told – I guess part of me longs to see revolution in the streets. And I am not saying that the youth of today does not ‘act up’ but I don’t know…other than what I see as anti-fashion statements, being more vegetarian, listening to punk music, I don’t think a lot of them are getting out and protesting all that much (or acting on what they view as injustice in the world) hell most of them didn’t vote in the last election- how sad that is to me….or maybe it’s just what’s going on here in the Cleveland scene that’s boring, staid, listless. I don’t know but if what I see on TV as a ‘documentary’ is just going to become history frozen in time – and not set a fire under anyone’s ass, I guess I’d be better off not watching it in the first place because all it does is make me nostalgic – and that’s not what activism is about.

NPR : Harriet Miers Nominated for Supreme Court

NPR : Harriet Miers Nominated for Supreme Court

So he picked a woman (bravo) - with absolutely no experience sitting on the bench as a judge....way to go Mr. Bush (you friggin' moron).

Hefner Says He Has Puritan Roots

Unfortunately, he also has a face that only a mother vulture could love...

Yeah OK Mr. Hefner - while I am sure it's true - I'd really be interested in knowing just where your family tree diverted from those Puritanical ideas - cause let's face it darling your acorn fell really far from that tree

^_^

 

See it while you can...

This mandala is breath-taking and goes along with the post and link below....check it out if you are able.... 

The Kalachakra Mandala

The Kalachakra Mandala

This is currently on dsiplay at our City Hall Rotunda here in Cleveburg and I really have to go down and check it out....so should all of you that inhabit this city as well....it's a once in a lifetime chance to see this beautiful reminder of our impermanence.

This weekend in movies

Ah...The Life Aquatic - that's the life for me *giggles*.

Bill Murray was brilliant in this film. I watched it again and I need to own this - there's just too much stuff that can be missed. If you have not seen this - and you are into quirky, off-beat, intelligent and campy at the same time - this is your film. Really great performances from a very talented cast and great direction as well.

 

...and then just for the hell of it...

I watched this one again too - but I DO own this. I guess one can't have too many romantic comedies...

The most touching part of this film, was the funeral, where the brilliant words of W.H. Auden were brought to life in a truly befitting manner. It's one of the best scenes in the film and it always makes me cry.

Funeral Blues

BY: Wystan Hugh Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crépe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever: 'I was wrong'

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

 

If I had a favourite bug...

It would be a Preying Mantis.

During my late teen years I had some friends who owned one as a pet so that other bugs would not eat their marijuana plants.

These first two were taken by my son outside

 

this one is cool with the reflection of the window 

I am not a bug person...but, there's just something about this particular bug....

 

Scary...but cool