The Mourning Dove and St. Peter

“Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weights you down.” ~Toni Morrison

These past couple of days have been a bit emotional. I am cleaning out my old house and purging things so I can move in completely with Erin. In going through old paperwork, I came across the stuff I found on the Internet when my ex cheated on me.

Today, I had to go to the county clerk of courts in order to get a certified copy of my divorce decree.

I don’t want to feel emotional about these things - I want to let them go. I FEEL though – I can’t seem to stop feeling things. There’s a fear attached to the feelings. The fear of failing – the fear of messing things up. Erin is being patient and kind but I don’t want to lean on him because it’s HIM that I am afraid of letting down…and myself as well.

The fear is not the over-riding feeling – I am excited and happy to be getting married to Erin – I have never loved like this before. I want this marriage to work and to last. So I need to get rid of this excess baggage – stop giving it the weight that anchors me to the past and rise above the emotion in order to love more fully the way we are meant to love one another.

If we treated violence as a disease, would that help us find a cure?- cleveland.com

If we treated violence as a disease, would that help us find a cure?- cleveland.com

I was just getting ready to type - 'Violence, the disease without a cure'...(*snorts* yeah if I could only spell words right the FIRST time around...)

I have a lot to write/say about this - I will collect my thoughts and re-visit...meantime feel free to discuss amongst yourselves - leave you opinions.

Anyhow...

Lately, I've been depressed because of all the news I hear. Of people killing one another/abusing each other needlessly - perhaps to them there is some sort of need but to me there never seems to be - or not the RIGHT reason to ever use violence as a means to solve a problem...

It seems to me that man by his very nature is violent. I don't think this is something that is learned per se - I think it's something ingrained in us as humans. Man decided to kill that first animal in order to eat meat. Man probably killed animals in self defense as well.

Per the bible, murder took place amongst brothers.

Take into account that the Christian Bible gives us the ten commandments - one of those commandments is: 'Thou shalt not kill'

I had a friend - a dear friend - we are not friends anymore - aside from his hitting on me all the time, our friendship consisted of us discussing matters involving religion(s), politics, philosophy and law (he is Jewish and an Attorney). He was the first person who told me about Hillel's law - the most famous being: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and study it." ( Babylonian Talmud, tractate Shabbat 31a). In other words do not do unto your neighbor that which you don't want done unto you - the reverse seems to be the Christian: 'DO unto others...' - semantics - I know...
We also discussed the 'point' that killing as a form of self defense is considered in Hebrew Law to be 'OK' - those of my friends out there who are scholars and/or Jewish can possibly offer some clarification on this matter, since my dealings with the Torah and the Talmud and limited at best.

What I am getting at here is that it would seem ASSUMED that man is violent - for otherwise why would we need such law/edicts? Was this something that even in ancient times was simply 'understood'?

I like to kid myself by saying that 'If women ruled the world - they would not bomb other women's children...' but I am not convinced. I suppose that if I thought my children were going to be killed then I would do everything in my power to protect them - even if that meant killing the purported perpetrator BEFORE they could harm my children...how does that make me any better?

I tell myself I am a pacifist and I want in my heart to believe that I don't condone war for any reason whatsoever - but I struggle because I believe Hitler needed to be stopped. So to me that justified WWII. Yet I abhor war.

This article is more focused on the youth and gang violence. You begin to start getting into discussions of white vs black, wealth vs poverty (which seems to be linked somehow to educated vs non-educated). So are white people less violent than blacks (or people of colour)? - not if you take into account how many people George's Bush's administration has killed since he entered office - sure it's not in the streets (of America) - just Iraq and Afghanistan (to name a few). Is violence ever OK? Is gang violence more heinous than war? Will man always have violence as part of his DNA? Is violence an epidemic?

How do we stop the violence against each other? Don't we have to start with ourselves? In my studies over the years I have come to believe that love, like charity, begins at home. I firmly believe that in order to embrace our brothers and sisters we have to fully love ourselves. Forgive ourselves. I know it's sounds 'hippie-ish' but you are talking to a girl who grew up watching Dan rather report the deaths in Vietnam on a nightly basis while we safely ate our meat and potatoes dinner. Today, I believe in not just teaching Yoga to exercise but in the principle of the ethics of Yoga - that of the Yamas (restraints) and the Niyamas (observances) - the number 1 'rule' being that of Ahimsa - non-harming behaviour - you are not allowed to harm anyone or anything - including yourself and others.

I did not witness violence in my home (that is unless you count the 'violence' of my father's alcoholism - I mean he was never 'violent' but his alcohol abuse was a disease that he visited on every member of our family whether we wanted it or not) - likewise, I had violent relationships in my past with men - how much of that am *I* to blame for - a man should never hit a woman - really? What if she provokes him to the point of violence? (I don't want to hear a peep from you feminists out there - I am one as well). The question is: does violence beget violence? Are we by nature violent creatures and is there an escape from our very nature? Can we teach peace?

What do we do? As a society? As a nation? As a global community? If indeed we raise children in a society that shuns violence would it make a difference? And where do we begin? In the inner city (in people's homes)? How about on TV? What about on the local, state and federal levels? Is violence really increasing or is it just that people in desperate situations act desperately? Would you move your family to Iraq to begin a peace process? How about into the inner city? Why not? What have you got to fear?

Take a look in the mirror.

"You Had Me From Hello" - Kenny Chesney

For my beloved...in less than 50 days we will say 'I do' - and I do - for the rest of my life...I want to dance with you.

Student 'Twitters' his way out of Egyptian jail - CNN.com

Student 'Twitters' his way out of Egyptian jail - CNN.com

Nice....if only all of us had a 'get out of jail' card in our lives when we needed one...

Doctors Get a Crash Course in Healthful Cooking : NPR

Doctors Get a Crash Course in Healthful Cooking : NPR

This was a great piece to listen to driving in this morning.

(Question to/for Erin: Can we go to a farmer's market or the West Side Market soon?)

German schoolboy, 13, corrects NASA's asteroid figures: paper - Yahoo! News

German schoolboy, 13, corrects NASA's asteroid figures: paper - Yahoo! News


You go Nico!

For Erin...

(These are two re-posts because I want him to know how much I still feel the same - how much I still love him - how happy he makes me - so neither of us forget just how special this love really is...)

********

The sun, moon, and stars...

I have nothing...

I have no father to give me away (nor to give permission for my hand in marriage for that matter)...

What do I bring to this marriage? I feel like a skewed version of Shakespeare’s ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ (‘Kiss me Kate’) only I don’t have the proper dowry to present to my future lord and master...

I want to give you, my love, the moon and the stars – were they mine to give…..but what I have to offer is *MY* love, my ability to be a good wife/helper/ partner; My willingness to contribute to the finances, to the work around the house, to help with the children. Yes this is all so very unromantic – but so very necessary...

We have no ‘song’ that’s ours. Songs will come on the radio that will make me think of him – of our love – but there is no ‘our song’...this does not worry me per se...

Perhaps the reason is because both of us love ‘world music’, new age music, alternative music, goth/dark-wave music….perhaps that does not lend itself to the type of ‘old standards’ our parents fell in love to.

I want to give you the gift of birdsong, of crickets singing in the grass, of wolves howling to the moon…all the sounds of harmony...the music of the spheres...the planets’ majestic symphony...

I come to you - not adorned in rubies, emeralds, and sapphires but clothed in the raiment of my heart, mind and soul.


*********

I love you, Erin

To my dear Mr. E:

I love you.

I love you with a love I did not think I possessed. I love you with my body, mind, and spirit. I love you with a passion put to use. I love you with laughter, with joy and yes even with tears.

I want to be with you every day. I want to wake up to you every morning, go to bed with you every night, and start the entire cycle over again.

Every single day, I thank God/dess for you. Every single day I am glad we met, glad I gave you my phone number, ecstatic you called me.

I have never felt so healthy, so loved, so happy. I have never had so much fun.

You are the best lover I have ever had. You are one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know. You are one of the most intelligent men I know. You are a wonderful father, friend, teacher, and husband.

I feel lucky, I feel blessed, I feel alive because of you.

Thank you, Erin, for all the gifts you’ve bestowed upon me – may I be able to return them in kind.

'You can't go home again...'

Tonight, I had to go out shopping for shoes to wear on my wedding day....because tomorrow I am having my dress hemmed and bustled. I also had to go pick up my dress from my 'home' where I've been keeping it - only cause I am a little superstitious.

Shoe shopping went well and I had fun - it's been a while since I went shopping just for me and I found some great deals and sexy shoes...

Then I had to go fetch my gown....

Whenever I go back to my old house, I feel like a visitor...it's weird. I look around and I see my things and I feel displaced/distanced from them somehow - yet I miss certain items - almost a separation anxiety. I also feel like I am an observer, or a visitor to a museum...I spent a lot of time tonight in my old bedroom just sort of standing in the middle trying to 'intuit' - to get a sense of why these feelings come up - is it that I miss my old 'home' ? No, I think it's more about 'space' and belongings...because every time I come here I gather things up to take back to Erin's with me....

Soon, very soon, I am going to have to make a complete break and actually pack my stuff - I need to do this ASAP. I am tired of not having my things, I also feel the need to 'purge' - shit I'd like to set fire to some of the whole lot of it....perhaps give it a funereal send off of sorts....to make a clean slate, to lose that which confines me, holds me down, connects me to that past life so I can step into a new future....

I don't even know if I am making much sense - I feel like I am stammering or rambling like a lunatic.

The quiet was nice tho' - detached - disorienting a bit - it's like I've gotten used to the 'noise' or the sounds of Erin's and so the silence is almost surreal in nature - yet soothing. I know that I crave quiet at times and perhaps it's because right now, life just seems to exist in hyper-drive what with the wedding planning and the constant barrage of bullshit at work....I am hoping after the wedding, I will finally settle down a bit into some semblance of a 'routine' - not boring but a natural rhythm; acclimation and assimilation.....

One can hope n'est ce pas?

"You had me (from) at...

Flux".

Yeah inside joke.

Last night, Erin and I found 'our' song. It will be the song that we first dance to at our wedding reception.

We picked out our reception music. We laughed and we cried (tears of joy).

There's a lot going on in my life right now - that of familial concerns, work crap, nervousness over getting married (not hesitation - just wanting to get things done and completed and then relax but it always seems that 'planning' goes on ad nauseum until the day of the event...). Details to be worked out and finalized....

Regardless I am STILL madly, passionately, in love with Erin and I plan to be for the rest of my days...he is my Knight in Shining Armor, he is my hope, he is my joy, he is my dawn, my twilight, my midnight...he is all that he is meant to be and all that ever will be...forever.

I know we love each other deeply and I am thankful for all the blessings we share.

Stuff about me..

(Not that any of you really care - just more meme crap to fill up time (that we never really have to begin with...) LOL)

********

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, because I was born the day before St. Pat's my grandfather (I believe) insisted I be named 'Colleen'

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? This weekend
a lot - my aunt sis died, I was overjoyed to be reunited with Erin too...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No - but that's what you get when you have nuns beating you with rulers because you are left handed

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAL? salad and soup

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, 2 and soon to be a step-mom to 2.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably not - I am weird

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Ya think????

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yeah probably

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kix

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not usually

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I'd like to think so.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter Pecan

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes and their smiles.

15. RED OR PINK? Red. To me, it's the colour of happiness.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I'd like to lose weight AND my negativity - working on both.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My parents....I miss them and wish I could have gotten closer with them - especially my mom.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
If they wish....that would be nice - I was out of town so I am sure people already responded....

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A hot pocket breakfast sandwich thingy.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? People in the office arrive for work.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON; WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Sunshine yellow

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? varying types of incense...fresh air, lilacs, a spring rain shower and Erin.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My son.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I love him, he is family to me.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? If I had to pick one - it would be futbol (soccer).

27. HAIR COLOR? LOL - I was born with Auburn hair - now it's getting silver...but I am not brave enough yet (or old enough yet) to let it go...

28. EYE COLOR? Hazel - green with yellow streaks

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not now - planning on getting them.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Now - it's a tie between Indian food and, because of Erin, sushi.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 'The Commitment' with Erin.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Dove grey coloured jacket with a lacy black bra underneath - LOL - sorry I know I am shocking.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Don't know

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Don't know.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? 3 - 'The Riddle of the Knight' about Sir John Mandeville (from Erin), 'Driven to distraction', and a book of essays by Anais Nin.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? We don't watch TV. YAY!

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Erin's laugh. Katie's and Jason's too - my son's laugh, my daughter's laugh - mostly anyone I love laughing.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, absolutely!

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Various parts of Canada.

45. HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I teach Yoga - but I don't think it's all that special - I have been told I am a good teacher.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I think in Pittsburgh, PA - but I don't know which hospital.

47. What is your greatest hope in life? To be happy and content and to be married (happily and contentedly) to Erin for the rest of my life

"What’s love got to do with it?" By: Mark Miller

(An unusual (and refreshing) confession from a man on the dating front lines).


"What’s love got to do with it?"
By Mark Miller

Women sometimes accuse men of being interested in only one thing. And it’s not Scrabble. Okay, I’ll admit that occasionally we’re only interested in one thing and that one thing is sex.

Recently, though, I discovered it’s not only men who have this single-minded interest. I realized this when I started corresponding with a woman online who made it clear on her dating profile that, like many guys — and unlike many women — she was not looking for her soul mate. She was not looking for a long-term relationship. The word “commitment” was clearly not a part of her dating vocabulary. She merely wanted, as that great philosopher, Olivia Newton-John once put it, to “get physical.”Perhaps there are a lot of women like this out there. But in my experience, it was certainly a rarity, if not a first. A woman who just wants sex, no emotional or relationship strings attached. Now, most guys would describe this situation as, for want of a better word, heaven.

Right from our first meeting, Nancy made it clear that she was attracted to me. Lots of touching, a hug, an invitation for the second date. On that date, she drove us to one of her favorite restaurants, chose the table close to the band, suggested a bottle of wine, and shared her food. I was starting to feel like the woman in the relationship. And, frankly, it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. We held hands during dinner and she initiated the first and subsequent kisses during the meal. I wondered on which cool planet I’d landed where getting physical was so easy and stress-free.But on the way back to Nancy’s place afterwards, I thought to myself, “Rather than rush into anything, I’ll act like a gentleman, thank her for a wonderful evening, and drive home.” Nancy, however, had something else in mind. As soon as we got inside her apartment, without saying a word, she proceeded to have her way with me. Granted, I was a full and willing participant. And again, I wondered what cool planet this was where there was no need to discuss when we should have sex, why we should have sex, what sex means to us, what we mean to each other, and so on. It was just raw, animal passion. Which made it all the more shocking when, to my surprise, I was overcome with a feeling of emptiness: Nancy did not invite me to stay overnight. She let me know that she couldn’t see me until the following weekend because she was “busy.” And when I called her the next morning to thank her for what seemed to me to be a pretty exciting evening for both of us, Nancy’s exact response, and I quote, was, “Yeah, dinner was nice.” I thought to myself, “Dinner was nice”? What is this, emotional payback for all the thousands of years men have been doing this sort of thing to women?

Two days later, Nancy called and suggested getting together again. I thought about saying, “No, thanks. I’m looking for someone serious about a long-term relationship.” But then I remembered how great the sex was. We ended up going for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres and making out in the back seat of my car. To my disappointment, there was no talk of a future date. The next day, I sent her an email. She never responded. And I still have not heard from her. But I thank her for teaching me something.

Thanks to Nancy, I experienced first-hand the painful feeling of hollowness and emotional whiplash in going from full-contact love-making to no contact whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying I’d act differently if another Nancy came along. But, truthfully, another Nancy definitely would not be my first choice. I like all that other “stuff” that comes with a committed relationship. In fact, I want and need it. Because as thrilling and comforting as sex can be, it’s true what they say about having it with someone you love and care about. I just hope to God I experience it before I start getting really attached to my Scrabble board.

Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry - MSN Lifestyle - Relationships

Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry - MSN Lifestyle - Relationships


Hmmm....so perhaps I should look at this list....

Mary C. "Sis" (Maloney) DiGregory - Rest in Peace

My Aunt 'Sis' passed away this weekend - she will be missed. (It was - with the exception of hanging out with Liam and the gang, a very rough weekend indeed).

God bless you Aunt Sis - say hi to my parents and your husband Uncle George for me. I hope you are all dancing up in heaven.

Eric Cartman: America's Favorite Little $@#&*% : NPR

Eric Cartman: America's Favorite Little $@#&*% : NPR

(Just because - sometimes over the edge is a good place to be. I love these 'In character' pieces on NPR and I was nearly bringing coffee through my nose this morning reading this one).

Charlton Heston: Film Icon, Conservative Activist : NPR

Charlton Heston: Film Icon, Conservative Activist : NPR

What a shame. I did not always agree with his politics but he was definitely one of the great actors of his day.

Rest in Peace Mr. Heston.

Quotes

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

- Woody Allen

Eat the rich...

(...but then they'd probably taste as yucky as they act...)

...or at least kill them.

I am sorry - I truly am (in all honesty though, not really).

I HATE RICH PEOPLE.

Look I have tried- really I have, and, despite what others may think or feel about me I think I am somewhat nice. I try to be nice. I can be bitchy no doubt but I am not cruel, nor rude to strangers. I try to not be judgmental but sometimes, it just slips through...

Case in point, today.

I had the opportunity to go to Trader Joe's because I was trying to buy a case of wine for our wedding. Well, next to the Trader Joe's is a store called Anthropologie. Please understand, I like nice things - I would like to be able to afford nice things - instead what I do is go to places where I like their styles and shop the clearance racks...it's a way for me to afford things I otherwise could not. I do not care one jot about money - but I still like fashion, and style....it's the artist's eye within me...

Anyhow I picked out a couple of pairs of nice pants that were on sale and looked really good on me. I got into line. A woman behind me (obviously wealthy), without saying 'excuse me' basically began speaking to me. She asked: 'How long does this usually take?' (I was like WTF). I said: 'How long does what usually take?' She says 'Checking out'. I looked at her like she was nuts. I said 'It takes as long as it takes' - (for those of you out there who are now angry with my attitude, shut the hell up - I don't care what you think - you may think I was being snotty to this woman and you'd most likely be right - but my answer was honest - how the fuck do I know how long checking out would take for each individual? Besides, what a stupid question to ask, if you don't have time to shop - then just don't). She then asked me if I knew the company that owns these stores. I answered her that I did not know. She then stopped a sales girl and demanded to be waited on....meanwhile I had 3 sets of people in front of me and she had several people in the queue behind her....

I just don't get it. Why must they be so rude? Why do they feel that because they have money, they are more privileged or entitled than the rest of us? I have tried over and over to get over myself and how I feel about this - but I've come to the conclusion that I simply can't. I am not going to not shop in these stores if I have the ability to do so - but I will also not keep my mouth shut anymore when facing blatant rudeness...

Enough ranting for one day...

Lost weekend...

(yeah I wish...)

Anyhow, Erin is away at the Men's renewal this weekend. I helped to write letters (for the men and got letters written to Erin as well), and last night, I went with him to help set-up (although there was not much set up involved).

What was wonderful was that despite some of the stresses we've been under lately, we did this together and willingly. Last night I think was very special to us both. I love this man with all my heart and I want to partner with him through life....

Today I got up for a little while to be with him this morning - but then retired back to bed (it was 6:30AM) - I slept until noon (*GASP* - shut the hell up!) - but mainly to try to get rid of this headache.

Today I plan on playing as much as I can....doing some shopping, going out tonight with the boys (Liam, Chris, and Ken and assorted others) and dancing.

Tomorrow, Erin is home and will be leaving to go out of town again Monday morning and I will miss him something fierce. When he gets back we will finish up prep for our wedding together. I will look forward to working with him on our wedding.

I love you, Erin - I am so glad I get to be your wife.

Life...in the really, really fast lane...

*sighs*

Too much stuff to do, not enough time. Too much love to give, too little time (it seems) to share....

I am not trying to complain (really, I'm not). I just want more time - or need to manage it better, or need to stop feeling so very overwhelmed.

I still have to finish stuff for the wedding. This is a must do and a very timely thing.

I have a possible huge Yoga opportunity looming and I am not sure how to approach this - I'd love to just quit my job and do Yoga - but I am not sure I can do that and ever hope to get ahead or retire...but then what the fuck do I 'really' care about money? (That's just it I don't)....

Things with Erin's son are well...not going well - but it's also going to be OK as long as we keep on him, as long as we can show him how much we are in his corner.

I want to go to school next year.

I am signing up to teach PSR with Erin which I am truly looking forward to doing.

Life...it gets away from you...

Crepes Success: Dreams of a French Sojourn : NPR

Crepes Success: Dreams of a French Sojourn : NPR

YUMMY-NUMMY!

^_^

Graffiti artists asked to decorate L.A. River's concrete banks, then told to whitewash it - International Herald Tribune

Graffiti artists asked to decorate L.A. River's concrete banks, then told to whitewash it - International Herald Tribune

File under: People are assholes....

Burglar nabbed playing dead at funeral parlor - Criminal weirdness- msnbc.com

Burglar nabbed playing dead at funeral parlor - Criminal weirdness- msnbc.com

I'll say it's weird alright...