Flame wars...kinda like Star Wars only...different

This is for those who don't read the comments left by others - and also for those who are still a bit confused (for lack of a meaner term) about my politics.
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*BLUSH* um thanks to you guys out there who think I am recommended reading. How sweet.

Now to flame... (Goddess, how these types of things take me back) - and usually I don't get this angry but I think most of you know what is coming here....

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This is what Chas said:

"Sorry I lit the fuse, Colette. I will refrain from commenting on your blog if you wish. I never censor my readers but, like you, I will address their comments.

If your only experience with fire is watching it and seeing its effect of food and wood does not have the same effect as putting your own hand on a stove or on a hot piece of wood, or worse into a fire place.

The same is with government and governing. Some times a principal or a teacher has to use force, such as paddling to assert authority in a class room so she or he can teach. The same is with a Mayor, Governor, or President.

Mayors and Governors have police forces to enforce the rule of law. Presidents have the military. If pacifism was a viable form of government, we would all be doing it. But few of us are in fact passifists, police have to protect us from our own nieghbors that wish to harm us or rob us. The same goes for the military.

Millions of Iraqis have been asking the US for help in deposing Saddam Hussien for years. One group is called the Iraqi Congress. Check them out.

The thing is Colette, I don't want to change your way of thinking or politics but misinformation is not healthy. Yes, Bush is a lousy speaker but no, he is not an idiot.

He won both elections.

He is also a good man, a good father and a good husband and good American just like you.
If you were presented with the same issues and world situation, Colette, you would have made the same decisions as President Bush because your biggest concern is that your daughter and her children have a safe world to travel and live in."
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To this I reply,

You my dear are full of yourself as well as shit.

People like you aren't sorry for writing the things you write, you just do it. LOL it's called bait the Liberal. Period. Stop apologising. You didn't light a fire under me, it's been there since I drew breath.

George Bush is an idiot and an asshole - winning ANY election does not make him (or any of our so-called leaders for that matter) any less of those two things. The ONLY reason he won (I dare say the only reason most of the crooked jerks we deem fit to run, win) - is because he had money and frankly it was OIL money. May as well have been tainted by blood.

You don't know me so let me do you a favour and my readers as well. Stop pretending you do - because that makes you almost as big an ass as George.

Faced with the same situation I would have chosen NOT to LIE to my country. I AM a pacifist and I would never choose to willingly go to war. NEVER. And how dare you bring up my children (and by the way since you know me so well, I have two of them not one and not just a daughter - but then you know that, right?) - who the fuck do you think you are? Oh don't answer that, we all know who you are Chas. I'll bet you think that faced with the same decisions as Truman that I'd would have dropped the bomb and guess what - you'd be wrong...AGAIN.

I don't think that using force is a war we can win, Chas. I believe in people like Ghandi and Dr. King who caused change to happen utilising non-violent means. Paddling kids??? Isn't that against the law now? Yes, that's it! I have a great idea - let's paddle Sadam Hussein shall we - it's so much nicer than dropping bombs on a country. Don't you think?

I believe in freedom. I believe in the freedom to love whom you choose - I believe our friggin' government should have no say so in whom I choose to love or to marry for that matter. Therefore I am pro-gay marriage. Hell I am pro-gay period - I don't care what people do in their bedrooms - not even my president, Chas. When Bill Clinton lied people didn't die - doesn't mean I am happy he lied about his intern but then that's Hillary's problem not the country's.

I believe in freedom. I believe in the freedom to my own body's reproductive rights - I don't believe our friggin' government has the right to tell me I can or can not conceive a child or carry it to term. You don't like abortion - get a vasectomy asshole - it's MEN making these decisions not WOMEN that chaps my ass. The day a man can grow a vagina and a womb I will listen to his view on abortion. I am NOT pro-abortion folks, I am pro-choice. NO MORE COAT HANGERS - not as long as I draw breath. I will die for this right.I know let's all come up with a surgery that men have to have in order to keep their penises working but let's outlaw it and let's see what happens shall we?

I once asked a Catholic priest if, since he did not believe women shold be making decisions about having babies, if the church planned on feeding, housing and clothing those kids - he of course answered no...

Have you been to the welfare lines, Chas? Doubtful... Obviously this country is answering yes every day. And no, I don't believe in abortion as birth control But I do think we need to get a handle on poor people having kids they can't afford, and babies having babies, which of course brings up proper sex education in schools. Which I am most certain "W" is against as well. Right, murder is only good as long as it's in the timing, right Chas? Like the death penalty, right? Let's have state, sanctioned murder, right? Abortion's wrong but killing innocent Iraqi's because they got in the way of our bombs is OK becase THEY NEEDED us to bomb them - they NEEDED US to take care of them, THEY ASKED US TO HELP THEM?!?!?!? (sorry but in my book help does not included dropping bombs) - So what if thousands of children die in the process, right? Yep gotta make this country safe for MY kids but who cares about other mother's kids....I DO, CHAS!

I believe in freedom - I believe in OTHER COUNTRIES FREEDOMS as well. They are free to govern themselves. NO ONE in Iraq wanted us to come over there and drop bombs on them I fucking guarantee you that. NO ONE. I don't believe my country has the right to lie to me, then invade a country all because some shit kicking, mealy-mouthed, bumbling, moron who has a hard on 'cause his daddy didn't do the job right the first friggin' time, has the right to make up shit about IMAGINARY weapons of mass destruction, and then kill innocent people, destroy their country, and then ask ME to help pay 87-fucking billion dollars for the priveledge of doing so. Oh and while he was at it he completely forgot to go after a real war criminal Mr. Osama bin Laden - gee could that be because the Saudis and the Bush family are kissing cousins? Could it be that pesky OIL money???? I keep forgetting about those good ole' Texas customs.

This my friend is bullshit - I don't believe for one mintute, not for one second that "W" had ANY of his facts right. I believe he (and his cronies) lied to us. And as you can see, (that is if you bother to read me, Chas - because of course you know me so well), you know how I feel about LIARS. This war will turn into your generations Vietnam - I had my Vietnam already, Chas and I remember how it tore this country apart and the same thing is happening all over again.

And just because a country asks us to oust a leader (that we may have secretly helped get a foothold for in the first place by our covert/sneaky actions behind our OWN peoples' backs) - does not mean we should do that. Or don't you ever think about those things, Chas. Are you a sheep for Bush????? Do you believe every thing he says? BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - sheep all of those who do are just that, sheep. Get your heads out of your asses. Wake up and smell the global coffee, OK - might be a good idea.

Look government is a dirty, filthy business, someone has to do it - and grant it I don't want it to be me. Not enough money in the world - not that I think money is worth anything. But humanity is - dignity is - integrity is and what I want to see is all those people who are angry and fed up put their money/vote where their mouths/brains are and help change this country - help to do the right thing to get OUR govenrment to start doing the things WE NEED OUR GOVERNEMNT TO DO - like education, jobs, social issues and not be doing the WRONG things. Including (but not limited to) staying the fuck out of my bedroom, my privacy in my own home, my spiritual leanings, my body.

I am not a GOOD American - I am a very ANGRY ashamed-most-days-to-be-an-American American. I'd leave but I think I should stick around and fight to keep assholes like George Bush out of office. It's the braver thing to do. I am not a coward. I speak my mind - obviously you do too - but I am most certainly NOT misinformed Chas - in fact, I think it's the exact oposite.

But then you already know that, don't you?

Get lost, Chas.

This just in...

Saw 'Sideways' last night....

Absolutely hysterical!
Run and go see this one. I am sorry I missed it before my pics and pans for 2004.

OH and by the by...

Paul Giamatti was robbed, ROBBED I tell you! He put in one of the best acting perfomances I've seen in ages.

I just don't get it

This is a free country...right????

I mean last time I checked it was.

I am sick and tired of people getting upset about my politics. Sick of it. (If any of you are wondering why I am bitching, you can check out the comments left here by a certain someone about MY comments/opionons on our wonderful leader, "W" - which I believe stands for Weasel).

If you (STILL) can not figure out where I stand when it comes to how the government is being run in this country either you have not read my blog - or you have and you are really quite stupid (sorry but if the dunce cap fits...).

Look, I don't go to other people's blogs and harrass them for their political agendas, ideologies, etc. To each his own. Don't come to my blog and tell me it's low of me to bitch about or say the president is an idiot. This country would be nothing if we were not able to express our displeasure with our president/our leaders/our government and let me get this straight - I do believe 1/2 of the populace DID NOT vote for him. (More than that didn't the FIRST time around - but we all know what happened then.)

Change the blog - seriously - if you don't want to read it. It's just like changing the channels or NOT watching an offensive program - unless of course you believe in censorship (which I don't believe in - obviously). I am not hurting anyone by thinking George Bush is an ass, I am not inciting anyone to riot by thinking he's an idiot, a war monger, and a liar.

I am not going to apologize, I am not going to change my mind, and I am not going to back down and say I am sorry for MY beliefs/opinions.

I don't care if I am insulting you - seriously. I don't mean to - but again, you are the one reading it - if you are offended by what I say, well sorry, but it's just too bad.

I am way too old to be apologizing or explaining how I feel about my belief system. I feel in this country we have a right to the freedom of our own unique expression. I am free to express myself the way I see fit - you can NOT agree with me if you like (in fact until you are blue in the face) - however - you don't get to call me names, or tell me I am low for thinking that way - not on MY blog you don't. I will defend to the death your right to say what you feel ON YOUR OWN BLOG. If I were to meet you in person I would also feel this way. You have a right to your opinion and, I am not going to attack you or demean you for your opinion (at least not to your face). I am going to politely think you are an idiot TO MYSELF. And you are welcome to think the same of me - go right the hell ahead - not that I care what ANYONE thinks. (Except those I love and even then, when it comes to politics, religion etc. I don't care what they think either - NOT EVEN MY KIDS).

I am not the NY Times, the Washington Post, or the Chicago Tribune - therefore you don't get to write in a letter to the editor complaining about my OP/ED pieces on here.

So you can think I am mean, a raving lunatic etc. but all I really am, my dears, is someone with a mind of her own - like it or not.

As ever I remain,
Colette

CAREFUL WITH THAT AXE, EUGENE....

My days begin much the way they end….slipping into awareness, putting it on like my clothing.

The skies are equally as beautiful in the early pre-dawn winter hours as they are at dusk. The deep, hushed blue velvet of the night sky, still filled with the moon and stars, slowly brightening with the suns rays…

And then there's the drive in… and in just a couple of minutes that tranquility is shot to hell because of the assholes that don't know how to (or really don't care about how they) drive…..
And so into work I go…

It's a job I love. Some of you may or may not know what I do (for my day job at least - aside from teaching Yoga).

I work for a major medical institution (my brother is always teasing me that I work for the 'Evil Empire') - in many ways he's right. But the work I do is very rewarding and I am proud of the job we do in our department. I help people who want to donate their kidneys to get through that process. Mainly it's loved ones, family members, spouse donating to people whose lives are devastated by kidney disease. I do something different every single day. I talk to a lot of different people and, I believe, I make a difference.

Which brings me to last night's episode of 'ER' (which yes, I do watch from time to time). I was REALLY angry about last night's show. In a lot of ways I do applaud ER for bringing awareness of many issues to many people who would not otherwise 'think' about those issues. But in this case I feel that they did a huge disservice to people by misleading them about (in particular) - kidney transplantation. First of all a person would never be allowed to donate their OTHER kidney (it's not gonna happen!!!) (So today, I can't wait to field calls from the less-than-stellar-intellectuals who are going to 'think' we will bend those rules.)

Secondly, that was really irresponsible doctoring that the 'John Carter' character was dishing out. A good doctor would have seen the emotional roller-coaster that family was on and NOT fed into it in order to assuage his own guilt-ridden feelings about being wealthy, and trying to be a crusader to save metro-Chicago from doctors practicing 'bad' medicine.

*sigh*

So much for my watching ER anymore…not that I watch it all that much - sometimes the writing's good though

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So yesterday, our institution was graced with a visit from the President of these United States. This place was in lock-down for hours - it was insane. It was a security nightmare and I personally feel it impacted the workers as well as the patients of this institution.On top of it I am highly amused by the idea that "W" feels he is (or for that matter is even perceived as) being 'smart' enough to discuss advances in medical technology/information technology…

Um yeah OK - go back to your ranch, George, and play with your farm animals.

Please God let these four years pass quickly, before he can do too much damage.

***
Lastly, in a move that has upset many of the workers at this fine institution, the 'powers that be' here have decided to 'give' $10-million dollars to Cleveland City Schools. This has many employees upset. A lot of us have not been able to get more than a 2% pay increase over the past 3-4 years due to 'budgetary constraints'.

Not to mention the fine people of the City of Cleveland did not pass THEIR OWN SCHOOL LEVY! Obviously, the citizenry feels that they were going to be throwing good money after bad, considering the shape the Cleveland schools are in….(c'mon say it with me now…mismanagement).

I do understand helping the schools out. I AM FOR helping schools out. And since the place where I work is not-for-profit, and since the school district has pointed out that we don't pay them taxes like other businesses in Cleveland, I suppose it's a good idea to cough up that money.
I just hope it gets put to good use and that the hierarchy here at work are also able to keep their employees happy - because a happy employee is a productive employee. And think about this for a minute folks, do you really want to be the one under that nurse's care if she feels disgruntled?

Hmmmm…


***Colette's disclaimer: The thoughts represented here are merely my feeble brain's opinions and in no way, shape or form represent that of the institution that I work for***

And the evelope please or how political CAN we get with the Oscars

Just a real quick blurb/rant

Hollywood can go straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect yet more millions from those idiots out there who have no taste in movies - or brains for that matter.

When are we ever going to learn?

OK so what I would have liked to have seen nominated for Best Picture (Note: you may refer to previous post for Colette's picks and pans for 2004).

'Farenheit 9/11'

'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'


(and while I have not seen it yet...I am sure 'Ray' DID deserve that nomination).

Friggin' spineless cowards

MSNBC - Violent stick-figure drawings put kids in cuffs

MSNBC - Violent stick-figure drawings put kids in cuffs

OK...

I have VERY mixed feelings about this story...

My daughter and I, when she was about 13-14-years old, decided, for various reasons to move to a different part of town. She wanted to get out of the school she was in in order to be able to go to school/live near her cousin. I agreed. So I pulled up stakes and moved into an old, drafty, 1/2 of a house in Lakewood, OH. (The neighbors were white trash idiots). So I was immediately not happy - not at all - but I decided this was what my daughter wanted so we stayed.

My daughter was put into one of the middle schools there. Not long after she started in this school, there began to be problems between her and a certain 'clique' of girls at this school. This in and of itself is not surprising - it happens between teenage girls all the time (I do not believe it happens as much with boys - that is until today's story). In our particular case though, it began to turn ugly real fast. Soon my daughter (who I must say did spend a lot of her life being picked on), was coming home pretty upset. These girls were viscious. And because my daughter would not pledge 'allegiance' to them she was threatened, treated like shit and talked about. She had absolutely no friends, save one girl that also seemed to be on their shit list. The threats escalated to actual letters promising she would be hurt and we even received death threats on our answering machine. I promptly, (EVERY SINGLE TIME THIS HAPPENED) - reported it to the principal of the school - I really felt like his hands were tied and he seemed unable to do anything. One day, my daughter was beaten up pretty badly - IN THE HALLWAY OF THE SCHOOL

This time I called the police - the procesutor was called in about this case and I found out that these girls had threatened others as well (with things like baseball bats). Were they arrested? NO! They were given a 'talking to' asked to write apology letters to my daughter and told that the next time they would be incarcerated.

That same spring, my daughter ran away - she was missing for 48-hours, we were lucky to get her back...

The next day after she came home (it was a Monday; she was missing form Friday night until Sunday), I pulled her out of school. I told my boss I had to stay home for a couple of days in order to clear things up and take care of my daughter - he told me to choose between that and my job - guess which one I picked. I was fired.

After I pulled my daughter out of the school, the principal called me and threatened to have me show up in front of a judge for letting my daughter be truant. I told him since he seemed unable to assure that my daughter would be safe in his school I'd sue the living daylights out of him, the school, the city etc. He shut the hell up.

We moved - back to Cleveland Heights....

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So I hear this story and I really feel for the kids involved (ALL of them) - but my hearts also goes out to the parents of the boy who was threatened.

While I feel that what happened here was a bit harsh (I mean a felony?!?!?!) - still part of me wonders....

And part of me wonders if I can still sue that school....even though my daughter is now 22-yrs-old.

Local News about YOGA

This is for any locals interested in Yoga for Charity - the people at this particular Yoga Studio in Little Italy are wonderful!

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YOGA DAY USA!

This Saturday, January 29
The Yoga Room at Eight Limbs
2026 Murray Hill - upstairs
Little Italy

Free classes all day
donations taken for children in Kerala (Southern India), victims of the recent disaster

9:30 - 11 Anusara-inspired vinyasa with Rowan Silverberg
11:30 - 1 Integral hatha yoga with Liza Pollock
1:30 - 3 Iyengar-style yoga with Marta Jasberg
3:30 - 5 Yoga with Barbara Chiancone

Open to all levels including beginners - bring a friend!
For the most up-to-date information, visit the website

www.theyogaroomateightlimbs.com

The Date, or, how I pooped my pants.

The Date, or, how I pooped my pants.
Go here NOW! Read this! It's hysterical and priceless.

Love Actually - Revisited

OK so a little later that same evening I was watching the documentary Buena Vista Social Club, Love Actually was on and I decided to watch some of it. When I first saw this movie I was with my ex and unfortunately, at the time, it was a bad idea for us to go to 'date' movies (although I am sure, had I tried hard enough, I could somehow twist the plot of an action flick or horror film to allow me to become a bitch about the fact that he cheated on me - funny how the mind works - ESPECIALLY the mind of a woman scorned).

So I was watching some of the more difficult parts of this film (where the husband decided to buy the little trollop from his office a very expensive necklace and his cozy-well-worn-in-wifey-at-home finds out) - it still made me hurt, I still cried. But this movie did something else, I realized. It showed LOVE - ACTUALLY in all it's myriad ways; a rainbow - cornucopia of emotional stories - some tragic, some whimsical, some poignant all of them true to the stuff that everyday life AND love are made of.

While I probably won't own this movie, nor nominate it for any awards, I am sure the next time it comes on I will gladly watch it with a box of Kleenex and a bowl of popcorn and hopefully, (fingers crossed), with a new beau sitting next to me - or one of my cats I suppose, (because that's what love is about too ^_^).

Thank you Mr. Ry Cooder, & etc.

On Sunday, instead of being glued to a TV set watching football (but I am a bit bummed the Steelers lost), I was doing laundry, and I came across something on IFC while I was folding clothes.

Years ago I was lucky enough to be introduced to the music of Ry Cooder and thanks to Mr. Cooder, the world learned of the Gentlemen from the Buena Vista Social Club. I actually got the album before I ever saw the film. I bought the album on the strength of the ‘blurb’ I heard on PBS one day. I have since been able to see the documentary. I love it! It’s a very bittersweet story and it riles me up a bit to think of these great musicians living in abject poverty for years. Going from hand to mouth, or barely scraping by.

The music was still strong in these 60+ Senores and I dare say they could teach young musician of today something. Their passion for music is apparent and it gets me to thinking about music in general and what makes a good musician (especially since my son seems to want to travel down this path). Recently, as I listened to he and his bandmate playing in the basement I was musing about how it could be possibly for kids so young to really sing about love and loss when they truly have never had their heart broken. I mean don’t you have to live it to write/sing about it? But who am I to know the workings of their minds, the school-yard crushes that may have indeed laid them bare and vulnerable….

Speaking of my son….

So what is it with Teens??????

I have sung the praises of this kid from the beginning of this blog.
But somedays, sometimes…..*sigh* ‘To the Moon Alice!’ POW!
I mean really…..He gets so very self-righteous with me and he thinks he knows so much (and he DOES know a lot – an awful lot). But where do they cross that line where it’s OK to speak to their mom with such disrespect. I decided before I went to bed really angry last night to attempt one more time without truly imposing my will (because at the age of 16 going on 17 I don’t want to lose him totally) – but all he kept saying well I am not a kid anymore, mom and I need respect too!He is right on both counts of course. But I just don’t tolerate him well when he holds up his hand and says things like ‘I’m done here’ – it just sets my teeth on edge. I want to scream and sometimes I do….

And of course his own dad is not help whatsoever because he is so friggin’ passive-aggressive and he never seems to side with me – there always this underlying us against them thing going on and I seem to be in the ‘them’ category.

I was reading a Yoga article about family dynamics and trying to deal with families over the holidays (OK so I am way behind in my Yoga Journal reading…) – but one of the things that struck me was something attributed to Ram Dass.
To paraphrase: We don’t walk into a forest and expect the trees to be anything other than what they are (an Oak or a Maple) but when we are around family – or even other people we seem to have this judgment thing going on about how they SHOULD be….not how they are. And perhaps instead of agonizing and expecting things like this we should be telling ourselves “A Maple is a Maple, my Brother is my Brother”. Think, think, think….

While it did not make my anger at my son go away, it DID make me keep my mouth shut and not storm his fortress and attack him either. The other suggestions that they aren’t going to change so WE should change our attitudes etc was not an easy pill for me to swallow – mainly because all my life I feel like I have cone a lot of that – one grows weary of constantly backing down. Part of me just wants to lash out these days, tell people off, stand my ground…yet I feel like I am always losing ground.

But it’s just not in me to be a ‘shrinking violet’.

I suppose that falls on me….it also falls on me to somehow keep the peace. A daily battle that I hope to eventually win.

Serenity in phases

Serenity Phase II

I love where I live.....

Oh sure it could be a nicer house,
cheaper rent etc.
But, the views I get to see,
from my deck of the
sunsets and the
moon rises are a balm
for my weary soul.

It's a bitterly cold evening and
I feel compelled to go out to see
the sunset and the perfect sphere
of the moon - getting brighter
in the dark velvet of the
sky, as the sun finally sets.

The moon is indeed
a harsh mistress, yet,
I can feel the tranquility
in the cold, the silence,
the beauty of a winter's evening.

Serenity Phase I

The end is near

Or so a lot of people seem to think with the inauguration of President Bush. There is a country still divided over the fact that he WAS elected and over the WAY he is leading the country.
I don't like to be so negative over such things. My concern is rebounding from the damage he has caused and is going to cause.

On one of the bulletin boards I visit there was a list of things to do BEFORE the world ends (Acutally is was "Things to do BEFORE the inauguration" - but I am a day late/dollar short (typical of me ^_^) - Besides, I think most of you know I was writing something of a more personal and close to my heart nature.

Cheers,
Colette
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Some things to do before the Inaugural:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.

2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.

3. Cash your social security check.

4. See a doctor of your own choosing.

5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.

6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.

7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.

8. Hoard gasoline.

9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.

10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.

11. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!

12. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.

13. Stay out late before the curfews start.

14. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".

15. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

16. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".

17. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white person.

18. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

19. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

20. Start your school day without a prayer.

21. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.

22. Learn French.

23. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.

24. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.

25. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.

26. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.

27. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.

28. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".

29. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

ROSE MARIE MALONEY (NEE PISERA) – NOVEMBER 20, 1924 – JANUARY 20, 1976

Today marks the 29th anniversary of my mother’s death. January 20th is a date that haunts me and probably always will.

I was 15-years old when my mother dropped dead, (yes literally), right before my eyes. There was nothing I could do to save her. This was only compounded by the fact that a couple minutes before she hit the ground, we had been having an argument. It wasn’t a really bad argument – I was late in getting home and was thereby making her late to go to the store. We walked along side by side, we were going shopping at the Strip Center that was within walking distance of our apartment building. Suddenly, right in front of the meat market and dry cleaners, my mother went down. I had known that she had heart problems, and I knew that she had a bottle of nitro-glycerin tablets with her at all times. I fished into her purse for the tiny tablets and tried to put one under her tongue. Her mouth seemed to be frozen shut. I knew I had to go get help. I ran into Thayer’s Meat Market and I yelled at the people behind the counter, “My mom’s had a heart attack – please call for help!” The person in there informed me there was a pay phone outside. I ran back outside. There was a person kneeling next to my mom trying to administer CPR – he was a paramedic and he happened to be next door at the dry cleaners. He had them call for an ambulance. While he was working on my mom a crowd had gathered. I was in shock... everything seemed to be going in slow motion. We all watched as the ambulance drove right past the shopping center. Some people were trying to flag it down.

When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics put my mom in the back and let me ride in the front. I did not know just how frightened I was until I realized I had pissed my pants.

We got to the local hospital, where I was put in a waiting room with all the other people. My mom was taken off somewhere and I was not sure what was going on. I tried desperately and in vain to reach my father. He worked, at the time, for a big paint company and apparently in the part of the plant he was working, they were unable to get any ‘outside’ calls. (After my mom died this changed.) I called my siblings at home – hours had passed since mom and I had left to go shopping. I told my sister my mom was at the hospital and I told her to stay calm – she started getting upset. I DID NOT tell her my worst fears, what I knew in my heart, that our mother was dead. I told my sister to keep trying to get a hold of our father and to let him know where mom was.

I sat waiting for what seemed like forever. No one talked to me, no one came to help me – I am sure people thought I was crazy and I was. Luckily my winter coat hid the fact that I had wet myself – although I am sure there was an odour.

Finally, having had enough, I approached the reception desk. I calmly and quietly told the girl behind the desk that if she did not want me to cause a scene she was to get me a doctor/nurse to speak to immediately. She must have known I meant it – either that or she saw the crazed look in my eyes.

I was taken to an exam room and not long after that a doctor and a nurse came in to see me. The doctor began slowly by introducing himself (to this day I can not tell you his name); he went on about how they had done everything they could – and that was my trigger, I had heard that phrase in relation to failure one too many times. I asked him point blank “Is my mother dead?”. He looked me in the eye and he said “Yes, I am very sorry”.

You grow up real fast in a moment like that. I believe my childhood fell away from me right then and there. They were asking me if I wanted a sedative. All I wanted was to be left alone. They sent me to sit in the chapel. They also sent a priest to talk to me. In my pain and my anguish I ended up telling him off. (*chuckle*) - he’s the one who ended up saying my mother’s funeral mass). I was a mess. All I wanted to do was talk to my dad and tell him before the cold, antiseptic people could break his heart.

Not long after this he did show up and I did get to him before they did. I ran out into the hall as I saw him approach and I cried out “She’s gone Daddy, she’s gone..”
He collapsed against the wall and I ran to help him. Together we cried a bit and then he left me to go talk to the doctors and identify her body.

The rest of the days were a blur. Relatives and friends came from our hometown of Pittsburgh to pay their final respects to my mom. Our family was in shock and was not going to ever be repaired. Something died in all of us that day.

I have since, (obviously) gone on to live my life. I know I have had moments that my mom would not have been proud of or approved of. I have gone on to have my own daughter with whom I have had knock-down, drag-out fights as well. Luckily, I am here to see her raise her kids; luckily, our relationship is on the mend.

It took me a long time to find out that my mom liked me. It was a conversation with a dear friend of hers, who is now a dear friend of mine. I was 8 months pregnant with my son and we were having a conversation. I was crying because I missed my mom (I still cry for my mom). I told her how horrible I was and how awful I was about fighting with her and that I knew my mom must have hated me. She laughed, really catching me off guard. She said to me, “Your mom got a real kick out of you” – I was confused and then she began telling me that my mom would come down to talk with her over coffee and would tell her that she knew I’d end up OK because I wasn’t going to take crap from anyone. “She was proud of you, she adored you…”

If my mom were alive today I am not sure what she’d think or how we’d get along. I am sure we’d still fight. Our lives would be very different. In my mind at times, my adult life is as different from my mom's, as it is from a frontier woman's. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, most of her life, she was a devout Catholic, she was soft spoken and believed in the traditional role of wife and mother, she looked the other way when it came to my dad’s infidelity. She stayed the course, despite what it must have cost her (in some ways, I believe it cost her her life).

Some days, I can’t remember my mom, what she looked like, or her voice. As I have said we don’t lose our loved ones all at once, we lose them in bits and pieces over the years. But one memory I still have that has never left me is the memory of my mom being on the phone talking with her sister. I must have been about 5 or 6 years old. I was feeling a bit forlorn and so I decided to sit on the floor beside my mom as she talked and I put my head in her lap. She began stroking my hair, gently, soothing me….

Every now and then I can still feel her spirit singing through me, the remnants of her left behind, and I miss her more than she would have ever expected.

Empty

My heart is like a blackboard and I want it to to be more like it's colour, like one of those big, pink rubbery erasers, so I can erase all those memories of what I thought was love, all the words I took so seriously, all the feelings I still have, and obliterate it all leaving nothing more than an empty, black space...

Just the blurb, ma'am

CNN.com - Harry sorry for Nazi uniform stunt - Jan 13, 2005

OK so I could not resist this...(see link above)

What a little twit/git...

And of course now he is probably going to be made to visit Auschwitz and to that I say 'Bully' - good for him. Besides, if the Royal family is planning on visiting and they drag Harry along perhaps they can make a family outing of it eh? (Sorry, I don't mean to be so irreverent).

What kills me though is I heard a Holocaust survivor say something like, "Well young people today just don't know anything about the Holocaust so how can we expect them to know it's wrong to do what Harry did?"

Huh?!?!?!?!? Excuse me - I will have you know that my 16 year-old son does INDEED KNOW what the Holocaust was and begs me to take him to see the Holocaust museum. Now grant it, he is fascinated with that time period, but he is well aware all the same, so I find it appalling to think that a young man of that ilk such as Prince Harry would NOT KNOW about such things...and certainly he should have KNOWN BETTER.

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And now for some totally unrelated blurbs/observations...

Dentists Suck!

Yesterday one of my teeth literally cracked - Goddess the pain! At any rate I went to have an emergency dental visit and I now have sticker shock. It turns out he could not help me anyways (because I have to go to an Endodontist) however, I am going to have to have work done amounting to $1,000.00 and it also turns out that I have the same thing going on on the other side of my mouth and will have to have similar work done on another tooth again to the tune of $1,000.00. I really don't have $2,000.00 just sitting around to pay for this and so of course I am hurting, frustrated, upset, you name it and I NEED this done - there's no way around it - the work has to be done.

In talking to my son about his he absorbed it all and kept saying, "Wow mom I am sorry to hear that, that sucks", love that kid. About an hour later he comes up to me and says, "Well if it will make you feel any better, dentists have the highest suicide rate", I said "Really? Why is that", he says, "because everyone hates them".....

Out of the mouths of babes...

EDIT: After going in for a second opinion yesterday, I have now found out that this is going to cost me thousands of dollars (it could be between $3,000.00 and $5,000.00 - SERIOUSLY).

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One last little blurb. I heard this briefly last night as I was getting ready for bed - it was on the news. Apparently some parents at some high-school somewhere here in the US of A (sorry to be so vague but I was in pain and in and out of the room), are up in arms because of some of the 'jobs' listed for the high-school students for 'Career Day'. Two of the 'jobs' listed were 'Exotic Dancer' and 'Stripper'.

Now I seem to remember hearing co-ed stories from the past saying that that's how they paid for college etc. Furthermore, how exactly do these people expect Playboy/Penthouse/Hustler to find their models???? They have to be SOMEBODY'S daughters don't they????

I say if little Brenda-Sue wants to take her clothes off for money and let the drunken idiots in those clubs pay for it - more power to her...

You go girl!

EDIT: cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/01/14/students.stripping.ap/index.html

Here's the actual story (go to the link just above - you can copy and paste) turns out it was a MIDDLE SCHOOL!?!?!?!?!?!?

(NOTE: See my previous post about dressing the younger set as sluts.) Again, I suppose their AGE should not matter *smirk* - I guess the earlier you think of your future the better, eh?

Beautiful boys

There are dangerous places for me to go. One of them is Half-Price books. If you do not have one of these fine establishments in your town, I am sure you have discount bookstores. I have books (so many books) and since I had to move out of my previous home, many of them are still boxed up. I tried unpacking the books I thought I would need – my Yoga books, my ‘collections’ etc. Alarms should go off when I walk into a book or record store. Klaxons sounding out “SHE HAS TOO MANY BOOKS ALREADY!!!”

At any rate, I was in this particular bookstore and I was perusing the isle with the books on religion and philosophy. I noticed there was a person sitting on the floor in easy pose (Yoga – simple cross-legged pose) – holding two books in his hands. One of them happened to be a book on Meditation, which I already owned and which I felt was a great book on the subject (it was actually required reading for the Yoga teachers program I was in). I don’t usually talk to people in bookstores but lately I find myself just talking to people (a lot of times afterwards I think perhaps they view me as being crazy or rude – but what the hell). I said, “That one on meditation is great, it’s very helpful”. He looked up at me and suddenly I was looking into the face of an angel. He was a young man, probably in his mid-20s and his face was seriously beautiful. This is a real problem for me and I don’t know why. My ex looked like a beautiful angel too and so now I want to run screaming when I see men who look this way; almost effeminate, usually blonde hair, and piercing eyes.

He mentioned to me that he had read the book a long time ago. I think to myself perhaps he is not as young as he seems – then he informs me he read it when he was 14-years old. I was really impressed by this. (You’d have to know the book) – I kind of stammered (me being a stupid girl and all) “You read THAT book when you were 14?” (pause) “You must have been some 14-year old young man” – smiles are exchanged. He then asked me when I had read the book. I explained that I had to read it for a course of study as a Yoga teacher. This young man lit up like a Christmas tree. “Really” he said, he began to ask me about studying Yoga and I gave him what I thought was accurate information about various places in the area where he could go take classes. He also mentioned T’ai Chi so I gave him information about that too. There aren’t many places in our area to ‘study’ T’ai Chi that I am aware of…he was familiar with the place I mentioned. He had by now stood up because he was writing down the name of the place where I studied Yoga and I also gave him the website address. After doing this, he extended his hand to me and introduced himself “I am Matthew” he said – I took his hand (really bad idea here kids) – his grip was so strong, so certain, so intense (you know I used to think that stuff about handshakes was a load of crap – no it isn’t; gee can you tell what kind of a LOVER someone is going to be by their handshake? Hmmmmm *insert evil thoughts here*). I gave him my first name and we talked for a couple of brief seconds and then parted. I stayed in the bookstore for a while looking for things (it was depressing because I am so broke right now and there were several things that caught my eye).

This young man has not left my mind. I have silly ideas that somehow he will figure out a way to contact me (actually if you go to the website of the place where I studied Yoga you CAN get in touch with me)…but that’s just a simple fantasy and is more than likely not going to happen. Pipe dreams. I guess I just feel a bit strange. Strange because I felt an immediate connection – but I am sure it was only because in my soul, I hunger for a kindred spirit. I am even more certain that this young man (Adonis “Matthew”), is this way with every person he meets, which is really wonderful. I hope his life is full of the lovingkindness he seems to exude.

But it’s nice to think…to day-dream a little n’est ce pas?

Screams in space

The sunset the other night was just spectacular. A celestial event, the sky soaking up all the colours, orange, red, pink, royal purple al fading away into the pale blueness….eventually blurring and becoming the velvet-winter-night sky

I’ve been feeling so bleh lately, so empty and void. Part of me though feels like I am on the verge of something…big…some self-discovery, waiting just around the corner. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, I just know I am heading that way. Part of me is still ‘back there’ as well, trying to sort things out, make sense of what’s happened and is still happening to me. I think in a way that for the rest of my life I will wonder about these things – I will keep trying to figure it all out. I don’t want to be a prisoner to that.

Over my years of blogging, it has been suggested to just let go, by various people whom I respect. I have to laugh. Especially since I ‘dabble’ in Yogic Arts and I am interested in the Zen/Buddhist path…

LET GO!

Um yeah, ok. I don’t mean to sound this way but it is so hard and I just don’t know why. I have had so much happen to me in my life (and no I am not complaining, or trying to say that ‘my stuff’ is worse than anyone else’s stuff). I mean I have had friends actually comment on my lot in life – like the old song ‘if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all’. *laughs* I have even had one friend at one point in time suggest that we go down into Little Italy to find an old Italian witch who could possibly remove this ‘curse’. Years ago, when I was reading Isaac Bonewit’s book: “Real Magic: An Introductory Treatise on the Basic Principles of Yellow Magic”, one of the things I seem to remember him saying about curses is that they really only work if the person cursed *BELIEVES* they’ve been cursed. I don’t believe I’ve been cursed. I do believe in Karma – and I believe I have a lot to ‘burn off’ apparently.

There are ‘good’ things happening too and together it all forms the patchwork of my life. I guess I just want for the good to outweigh the bad (who doesn’t) – I want the clouds to clear and me to be able to ‘see’ again – but I think in order for that to happen, I have to distance myself, move away from the trees in order to see the forest.

Part of me still wants to ‘run away’; just leave it all behind; become an anonymous person and possibly a hermit. Part of me feels the need to do a lot of work. Unfortunately, all my energy seems to still be going into the ‘figuring out’, the unanswered whys? I am still a slave to HIS sickness, to HIS betrayal, to HIS actions. Only though, because I allow this to have power over me. He does not deserve this power – he never did – no one deserves this power over anyone’s life. But we all do this. For one reason or another, we all fall in love – usually one party falls harder than the other and then, when the other party does not return the love the ‘right’ way, we seem to fall apart. Or perhaps we get stuck in the ‘caring’ or the ‘fixing’ of others – I am prey to all of this and more…and I so desperately need to free myself. However, I don’t have the money or the time to get into intense therapy and frankly I am not sure anything other than time and thinking (because ‘the unexamined life is simply not worth living’) – is ever going to end all of this. Or perhaps I have not learned my lesson yet? *laughs* My Yoga teacher would tell me that I am simply not getting the cosmic joke. I don’t know anymore. But I don’t want to ‘ease into this’ like it’s some old coat I have to put on or a suit of armor and then I become stuck with it for the rest of my life – or eternity – which is how my life feels at times.

Just rambling…putting thoughts out into the universe for obviously no particular reason, to no particular audience – reminds me of the bit about a tree falling in the forest and no one around to hear it fall – does it still make a noise? Can anyone hear *MY* screams in space?

Worms in a can re-visited

So when I was out trying to find something tres chic to wear out for New Year’s Eve, I was in a fitting room and I could not help but overhearing the conversation taking place between a mother and daughter. The mother was about my age and the daughter was a teenager. They were discussing a younger daughter. How do I know this? You may ask - well…the conversation was mainly the mother talking about hoping she had not thrown away a coupon to 'Limited Too' (a clothing store that caters to the pre-teen and younger set). Because she did not know where she was going to find a camisole small enough for said younger daughter.

I paused…absorbing this. Here goes…

What the hell is the matter with this picture? I cannot possibly imagine my mother having a similar conversation. First of all, my mom dressed me like a total dweeb. Further, my mother would have never, ever thought to have me wear lingerie as an item of clothing – underwear was strickly worn well, UNDERNEATH our clothing. I remember when my mom finally saw me in a two-piece bikini when I was 14 year old – I thought she was going to have heart failure. (She did but that was a year later – another story, another time).

What I am getting at is the provocative way we seem to dress our daughters. When I was growing up women did not want to be treated as sex objects. I have to wonder what’s changed. I think it was around the 80s when little girls thought it was cool to dress like Madonna – was it cool though? Were the moms back then paying attention? REALLY paying attention? My daughter was too young to be interested in that – and as she grew up she dressed more in baggy clothing, she was not into 'slut-wear' and I don’t think I would have let her dress that way either. But now in clothing stores I see really slutty clothing being sold to little girls and something about this bothers me – a lot. Again I don’t wish to come off as a prude.

Part of this becomes a bit complex for me - a long while back when I 'toyed' with the idea of becoming an attorney, I used to think about crime a lot - especially the crime of rape. I believe that rape is not a crime of passion but a crime of violence against women. (I am sure men have been raped too so don't go jumping on some friggin' soap box over that last comment). At any rate, it angered me when I was growing up that at some point some defense attorney in some rape case (it was a long time ago so I don't have the particulars but I do remember this happening), brought up how the woman was dressed. The fact that she was dressed provocatively, he reasoned, was in a way impetus for his client to have raped her and therefore should be 'let off the hook' or have the sentenced lessened to some degree. To me this is bullshit - it still is. If a woman wants to dress like a slut that's her perogative - it does not mean men should be allowed to commit the crime of rape against her.

But yet I am having issues with how young girls dress today (and when I say young I don't mean 15, 16 and 17-yr olds - although frankly I don't understand allowing them to dress any which way they choose either) but 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 & 12-yr olds...I don't know exactly where we should as parents draw the line here. I mean some perverts 'get off' to Catholic Girl school uniforms - go figure - so perhaps I should not be just out and out condeming provocative dress for young girls...but it's just something that sticks in my craw about the message that gets sent and I can't put my finger on it but again I thought I could use this as a 'forum' of sorts to open it up for discussion. Any of you guys out there (men and/or ladies) have kids? What do you think? And no offense, I REALLY want to know what the men DO think of this. How DO you feel about your little girl (or perhaps your neice etc.) being a sex object?

Just curious gang.

Cheese and Crackers

Cheese and Crackers
Check this out - Absolutely amazing that they were mentioned for having Tsunami Video clips on their blogs. In a world where we are bombarded by media almost non-stop - these people did something that caused the Wall Street Journal to sit up and take notice. Bravo bloggers.

All of my prayers, and thoughts, and what money I can spare are going out to help all of those people. This tragedy will hopefully NOT be forgotten in 3 months the way many others are. The world is unfortunately plagued with so many problems, but I feel that a catastrophe of this magnitude is going to cause a lot of people to do something and reach out.

Womanly Arts

So a couple of days before New Year, ABC decides to trot out a program under the guise of ‘investigative’ reporting on 20/20 which basically was a show dealing with ‘looking for love’. It was directed at finding love/keeping the ‘spark’ alive in your existing relationship in a New Year. The first story was about modern-day matchmaking. It was OK – but really targeted at upwardly mobile ‘beautiful’ people who seem to have a lot of disposable income. The final story was about couples (mainly women) who wanted to ‘fan the flames’ of love in their marriages. This story was somewhat interesting. The women went to ‘classes’ run by a so-called ‘Mama Gina’ who taught them all about rediscovering themselves as ‘sexual creatures’.

I was ok for the most part with this piece of ‘journalism’. However, there was a point where ‘Mama Gina’ made a comment about how we treat our men. She said if we treated our husbands/mates like we treated our pet dogs, our marriages would be happier. I don’t believe she was making this statement ‘merely’ about women but about people in general – that if we were as kind to our loved ones as we were to our pets things would just go better…..she actually gave an example of how you would ‘talk’ to you pet. “Oh honey-woney it’s OK let mamma kiss it and make it better” or some such shit like that…

OK. I began to think about this statement/sentiment. While I agree that we ALL could stand to be kinder to our mates, I have a problem with treating men like they are pets (I have the same problem with men treating women like pets). I am not going to talk ‘baby talk’ to you if you are continually fucking up. PERIOD. I don’t really care how much good feeling it brings. If you are lazy and you can’t be bothered to pick up your dirty clothes, help around the house, keep your penis in your pants, then please don’t expect me to be waiting there or greet you at the door with your pipe and slippers in a negligee at night with a crown roast in the oven for dinner. AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN BUBBA – NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I am slightly (more than slightly) insulted by this.

Again I am not saying a little kindness is not warranted. But you know what guys? Your women are tired. Yes, you heard me. I said tired. Most of us work outside the house and a lot of us have the family to take care of as well. And while we are kind to the family pet – does it occur to any of you (including that fabulous ‘Mamma Gina’), that the dog or cat can’t get their OWN food, or water, or walk themselves – they are like BABIES.
No, there is nothing wrong with talking like that sometimes to your husband. And yes, I agree that some of us have lost the womanly art of catering at times to our men. However, this IS the 21st century and the days of being Donna Reed and Robert Young have fallen to the wayside. That’s not to say that the loss of those things is good – it’s just that reality and the workload are staring most of us in the face and I am not always in the mood to pamper someone when I can’t even take a hot bath in peace. I have to say that ‘Mamma Gina’ gave the men a talking to as well – but the onus of most of this fell on the women and I am sorry I just think that’s unfair and even bordering on ridiculous. I will be more than happy, gentlemen, to wow you with my ‘womanly’ arts when YOU figure out that helping out with the housework, cooking, and taking care of the kids IS foreplay in my book.

Yahoo! News - Brainy women face handicap in marriage stakes: British survey

Yahoo! News - Brainy women face handicap in marriage stakes: British survey

OH! So THIS really explains things! Gee I guess I know where *I* stand.

So does this mean I need to look for a somewhat stupider man, who is lazy, and then I get to wear the pants in the house and be the major bread-winner and do all the responsible things??? Wait a minute....I feel a bit of deja vu coming over me.

*sigh*

Reflections

I sit here in the early morning hours of the New Year - 2005 - the house surrounds me, settles around me and it's so quiet now (aside from the occasionally 'meeping' of my cat Penelope - Penelope is the only cat I know that meows in her sleep) - no loud revelers stumbling home from being drunk to disturb my time. I am thinking back over this past year, this past couple of days, this past couple of weeks and months. Trying to 'think' forward, it's like walking in the dark - the way I would imagine a blind person would be having to navigate in an unfamiliar room.

To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."

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Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.

I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.

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My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.

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My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.

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I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.

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The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.

We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.

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The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???

I want to scream and cry and seriously hurt someone back. And to see some of the snotty things she writes like about how I somehow felt the need to let her know she ruined my life. I mean I just don't get it - of course she helped to ruin my life - and why the fuck wouldn't I say something? I mean what, now it's in bad taste to confront a slut that helped ruin your marriage - is she just so used to being let off the hook for all of her wonderful escapades, ruining other people's live that she now EXPECTS people to let her slide? Yes - OK he was the major culprit here - yes he strayed from our marriage - but this little slut knew about me and still she let him touch her and sleep with her. I mean she's even doing this again but apparently the wife is playing some sort of weird Yoko Ono role while her husband does the John Lennon thing and has an affair - meanwhile the wife is at home with the kids???? Huh???? I just don't get women anymore (and I am certain a lot of the male readers in the audience don't either). Part of me is as frightened of women now as I am of men. I mean who the hell can you trust anymore?

I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.

And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.

Tick, tick, tick...

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Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.