My dreaming and waking self

I am lost, as usual. I am lost in my life; I am lost in my dreams…
My dreams are disjointed and not making any sense – I dream of things I never think of – things that the ‘real’ me would never think of. Stupid, banal dreams, making no sense – not even a form of release – which I so desperately need these days.

I wake and those feelings are still there – sure they are somewhat less than they used to be but they still exist and part of me – the heart part of me – the soul of me - knows they are here to stay and I don’t even know why.

This place – this ‘forum’ has become a way for me to discard things – to release in some ways the horrors that plague me during waking hours. The constant discourse that runs through my head the way blood runs in my veins – almost to the point where it’s background noise – pay no attention – the thoughts/feelings are here – pay no attention – go about your business.

I begin to convince myself that it’s tiring for my ‘readers’ to keep hearing about my feelings – no one likes to hear someone constantly whining about their lot in life – no one cares – I never began this blog for that reason – never for an audience. I am flattered in some ways that people read it (even the hidden, cowardly people, friends of she who will not be named *bitter laugh*) – what bunch of sophomoric bull shit. I mean people can accuse me of the same thing – if they wish - but you know what folks – for all intents and purposes my life was destroyed – and the people who helped destroy my family – just go about their business unscathed – laughing at these posts – and doing it to someone else in the mean time – hey kids, more power to you. Godspeed and all that crap.

I began this as a way to get these feelings out – no I did not care if they hurt other people and I still don’t – (sorry but thems the breaks). A way to rid my psyche of built up toxins. I am not sure if it’s working – only time will tell, and from the day-to-day barometer of my anger/hatred/scorn for these events, I just can’t tell right now if it’s helped all that much.

What has happened is that I have ‘met’ some wonderful people (a lot of whom have their blogs represented in my side-bar), I have found out that some of you actually ENJOY my writing – though for the life of me I don’t know why. I never set out to be a writer – and I still don’t think I am one. Why? Because I can tell a good ‘ghost story’ about ex-lovers who are dead or old women from my childhood – that’s not the mark of a good writer. Please don’t get me wrong – I truly appreciate the compliments even if I think they are undeserved. I have run across some wonderful writing myself – some really extraordinary talent and hopefully they will go on to much success as published authors (that is if that’s what they want).

I feel that my life has become an open forum and that perhaps it is only fueling a fire that I ultimately want put out. I don’t know what is going to happen to this blog. Part of me thinks perhaps it is time to just tear it all down and let it lie. Part of me just does not want this to turn into an ‘ordinary’ forum where you find out what I am wearing to work or what I did over the weekend – I mean who the hell cares about such things.

I never did this to entertain an audience. I think that I need to seriously consider some changes or just stop this altogether. Perhaps when I have something decent to write every now and then I will... but for now my life feels so stuck, so stagnant – that there seems to be nothing more to write – and why anyone would want to be regaled with stories of my childhood or my past is beyond me. Again this is not, has never been, for an audience – yes there are some people I WANT to read this – and I think you know WHO you are – and take it for what it’s worth – if you have something to say stop being such a fucking coward and say it – in private if you wish – but those of you who are friends – those of you who have stuck by me, guided me, loved me, helped me through all of this – to you I want to say thank you – thanks so very much for your help and support – you did not have to do this and you are wonderful people.

Again I just don’t know what direction this is going to take anymore – I am sure it’s fun to hear some juicy gossip about the little bitch and my soon-to-be ex-asshole-of-a-husband that helped create this ruckus – yes it can be fun to tear people apart – but I had hoped for a bit more of a resolution than that – I had hoped for some poignancy, some shred of dignity – not just to have a one-sided cat fight with a girl young enough for me to have changed her diapers – frankly she’s not worth the effort. She never has been, she never will be, and I knew that all along – I guess it’s was just a way to let someone know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these crimes (and yes I consider them crimes). And it’s not necessarily vital for her to know about the lives she’s ruined, the family she’s pulled apart - because let’s face it she doesn’t have the guts to face any of it – or a clue as how how to live your life without doing such things to others, nor does she care about others – or take any responsibility for it – and she probably never will – what else is new – ah the wonder of being young and irresponsible to boot. But if, in some way, someone reading this can draw some comfort from my experience, or perhaps stop themselves BEFORE they do this to an innocent wife/husband/family then perhaps none of this has been in vain after all.

Autumn memories

I grew up in the foot-hills of the Allegheny mountain range, just near Pittsburgh PA, in a small town called Verona. I laugh now when I think of it because a long time ago on the Internet via an IRC chat room I earned the name of Juliette because some guy from Switzerland found out I was born in Verona and was ½ Italian *shakes head* those were the days….I should try and find him sometime....

My family was very poor and the town was very small so there were few rich people. I attended a Catholic school run by a group of nuns that seemed hell-bent on beating any imagination, curiosity or rebellion out of us. I don’t think they succeeded with me – I was after all, the rebel in my family and NO ONE was going to beat that out of me. For the most part, I spent my time with the other kids in the neighborhood who were also poor. Most did not even qualify for what would now be considered, middle class. We had lots to do all the time, it seemed – we were always playing, always riding our bikes, always running through the woods, hanging out at each others houses where our mothers would put up with all the noise and sometimes offer cookies and kool-aid. It was a good childhood.

The richest lady in town lived across the street from our small house in what to my mind, as a young girl, seemed a very grand house indeed – she had a vestibule, a long hall-way, that lead to a winding staircase that went to the second floor and, I am sure, many bedrooms, a parlour, a living room, a dining room and a kitchen! There was also a porch in the back that looked over her small garden. Her name was Mrs. Nicholas and she was a widow. She sticks out in my mind because my mother used to have me run errands for her since she was our neighbor. I thought Mrs. Nicholas was kindly but I did not like her much – there just seemed to be something about her that I found scary and cold, but, I did the errands because it gave me a chance to see the inside of her house and all of her wonderful old furniture. Sometimes, I would even earn a little candy money for my efforts.

I remember one evening in particular when I was sitting on the porch steps outside of our small house. For some reason I remember it being very quiet and I was not with anyone, no one else seemed to be outside. Dusk was approaching and it was late summer – you could feel a slight chill on the air and you knew your days of being out until 9:00 PM, playing and not having to get up and go to school in the morning were coming to a close. It was one of those late-summer evenings where you just wanted it to go on forever.

I happened to glance across the street to the old-lady’s house. I saw Mrs. Nicholas sitting on her porch and she was gently swinging on her porch swing. Slowly she put her hands up to her head and I guess in my absent-minded youth I had never noticed how she wore her hair before. I just knew she had white hair. She began un-pinning her hair and slowly the hair fell in long braids all around her shoulders and down her back – almost to her waist. She slowly began unbraiding her hair (I was absolutely fascinated by this for some odd reason) and when she was done – she has the most beautiful cascade of white, wavy hair creating a shawl around her – making her look like an aging faerie queen. She looked beautiful. And at that moment, something inside my 11-year-old brain signaled to me that I had witnessed something which was probably very private, something that no other person besides her husband had probably witnessed in many years. It was almost sacred.

After that moment, I never looked at Mrs. Nicholas the same way, I would go to her house without being asked to offer to help her and, I even refused her money. Somehow we began a small friendship and I would bring things to her that my mother would bake for her and she would buy items that the Catholic school would force us to sell.

Mrs. Nicholas died the winter before I moved to Cleveland; I was saddened by her passing. Not in the same way I was sad from losing my grandmother, whom I lost that same year, but more like I was losing the last vestiges of my childhood and those long summer evenings that seemed to go on forever.

Who's being followed by a Moon Shadow?

OK so I am going to admit it - I loved Cat Stevens, I loved his music and, I thought he was hot, (really hot) - I married a man who looked like him (really - at least at the time he did)...

But I have never been AFRAID of Cat Stevens. I have never felt him to be a terrorist threat. Oh sure I was pissed off when he called for the death of Salman Rushdie and it upset me very much. I did not get rid of my Cat Stevens music (I did stop listenng for a bit). Eventually I began to listen again becuase I realised that the Cat Stevens who wrote and performed that music was a different person from Yusuf Islam.

But to now have him on a 'watch list' and have a plane diverted because of him?!?!?!? Can anyone say the word alarmist with me? What have we become here? Is the US (in bits and pieces) going to grind to a halt - are we going to be inconvenienced every single time our Government decides we are in danger. Look guys I know we have to be a bit more alert, I know we have to be a bit more aware and careful. But Cat Stevens????? Why because he is known to support Islamic charities?

OK so does this mean that if I support Irish music/musicians that in some way I am supporting the IRA (because I will bet my arse that SOME of that money DOES go to the IRA)? I am not for violence not in any way shape or form. I want England to get the hell out of Ireland but then so did all of my ancestors. How do we know the things we do don't end up supporting terrorists - (you know like voting for a President who is going to help topple one regime only to help put another in power that one day grows up to be Al-Queda).....the answer to that question is we don't. But I for one don't plan on living in fear all the time - just because my government says I have to. Grant it I was not on that plane and yes, I would have freaked out had it been diverted - but then I would have been really angry... and NOT with Mr. Cat Stevens.

The utter reality of it all

So for the most part I find reality TV to be one of the more stupid/inane things to ever grace our screens. I hate TV - I think TV is evil - it has it's place - and I admit I watch some TV. But reality TV???? Um no thanks, I am trying to cut down on the reality in my own life - why would I add more to compare and contrast and remind me either how poor I am, or how much my own life really does suck, or even how much better off I am than these pawns for the ratings game.

Sometimes it occurs to me that my blog in ways is a ‘reality blog’ and that I am in essence putting my life out there in blogdom for commentary and judgment by total strangers – the downside being I don’t ever have a chance to win $50,000 and the upside being that I don’t I have to eat bull’s testicles or whore myself out on national TV.

I think the ones I absolutely hate the most are the romance or dating shows - I mean ugh - who the hell would do something like that. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette - give me a fucking break!

I have found myself, in the past, and even most recently, inexplicably ‘drawn’ towards certain shows. Three to be exact; I liked watching ‘The Restaurant’ – mainly because I think Rocco is gorgeous and I grew up in an Italian family where cooking was part of life. I also watched a little of ‘The Apprentice’ last year because I thought it was interesting and different from the other reality shows. The other one I watched (perhaps one or two episodes) – was the one abut mom or wife-swapping (but not in the true sense of wife-swapping) – sorry I don’t know the name of it – but I thought it was rather funny watching the rich white woman move in with a lower-economic Black family and vice-versa watching the Black mom living in the lap of luxury – a sort of Princess and the Pauper, if you will.

I decided to watch ‘The Apprentice’ again as it began it’s new season. I have now decided I am probably not going to watch it anymore. I find Donald Trump not only to be without taste (have you seen how he decorates???? How about his hair???? Somebody call the guys from Queer Eye, please) – but I think the way he demeans people, gets them to turn on each other and just the sophomoric quality of the relationships between the ‘contestants’ make me wonder why a business school such as Harvard would use such a program for teaching purposes. I mean are they using it to teach their students what NOT to do? I just don’t feel that when I watch this show I am getting a true dose of ‘reality’ as far as business goes. I mean yes, there are probably very sneaky, ruthless practices that go on in high-powered places like the Trump kingdom – but I doubt that a lot of the other antics would fly.

I think that so much of our lives we spend trying to emulate those people we ‘think’ we admire. Those that somehow seem better than us but you have to ask yourself why we do this in our country. In these cases I really don’t feel that imitation is a sincere form of flattery – I think it’s tantamount to societal suicide. I will probably feel the same when they eventually come out with ‘virtual-reality TV’ - or my gosh! has that already begun somewhere and I am just out of the loop?

Hysterical and very true - this woman is so brave!

This was sent to me and I found it to be extremely funny and very true of 'certain types of religious zealots who will go unnamed at this point' - c'mon we've all been accosted by them.

All I can add is - have you ever noticed how people who drive cars with bumper stickers that read things like "God is my co-pilot" or "When the rapture comes this car will be driver-less" CAN'T DRIVE??? *LAUGH*

Ladies Village Improvement Society - Crazy Train or Emotional Subway Attack

Meanwhile - back at the blog

So the primary focus of this blog - at least in the past - has been to rant about what happened to me. A lot of it, I am most certain came off as negative, angry , vengefgul etc. Not a whole lot of good karma. I feel also that a lot of it - (and I have metnioned this at times) - is a fascinating case-study of the fall-out from an extra-marital affair, from keeping secrets from our spouses, from finding out those secrets and then, as the'perceived' injured party, lashing out.

As I make my way through the maze of my emotions I think less and less do I focus on the reasons I began this blog - however, part of me stilll searches, still looks for things that might lead to the undoing or destruction of HER, or at least give me some satisfaction - for revenge is indeeed a dish best served cold.

HER ex-boyfriend has also been trying to sort through this and he keeps a live journal where he 'talks' about sorting things out - unlike me he has kinder thoughts towards the little bitch and I dare say, he even still loves her (poor thing). At times on his live journal he sounds as though he is beating HIMSELF up for what SHE did. It's a load of crap and I wish I could shake some sense into him - I am sure like me in my marriage, he did things that were not good for the relaitonship - but to blame himself for what SHE did???? I just feel bad for the poor kid (because kids they both are).

So, from time to time, I read his journal and I found recently a chilling blurb about an event that transpired between the two of them and it really had me upset:

"Alright, so I did have an agenda. I was referring, at the time, to agendas that included us getting back together, since it probably seems that is what I wanted (since I emailed you out of the blue and stuff). I really have no way of convincing you this is not true, probably because I sometimes find myself struggling, convincing myself of the same thing. Maybe this is the same with you, though I doubt you will admit it. I also have felt, in the past, especially during our highly uncomfortable meetings at coffee shops with Mike or his wife nearby that I was being held in suspicion of a crime - and they were like the court-appointed supervisor making sure I didn't molest anyone. This disturbed me greatly and led me to attempt to make you know that I hold no grudges or desire anything other than a friendship. This is true.

It is interesting that you remember all the bad things. You always did remember all the bad things. This isn't a criticizm - its just that it always existed in your personality. I always pushed the bad things out of memory and only remember the great things that happened. Perhaps this is what made it very painful for me - a different kind of pain than what you experienced. I am glad you haven't cut - ever since I am gone it has ended apparently. That was definately a sign and, for your sake, I am glad you followed it."

So let me explain this if I may... This little slut went to meet with her ex-boyfriend (I don't know, perhaps to string him along; or maybe to take her good ole' time in breaking up with him - you know - prolong the torture of losing the wonderfulness that is HER) and she brought along the guy she was currently fucking AND HIS WIFE!?!?!?!?!?!?! Um OK. How very Jerry Springer of her/them.

To ad insult to his own injury he sounds like he is in someways (at least to me it sounds like this) - that he blames HIMSELF for her cutting or at least 'thinks' that since they broke up she has stopped. While that might possibly be true and while of course I am not privy to what transpired in their relationship (at least not ALL of their relationship) - I do know for a fact that this young man IS NOT the reason this little girl started cutting herself. Nor is their breaking up the reason she has stopped. And quite frankly if she is bringing her current paramour's wife along to coffee shops to meet her ex-boyfriend, I am pretty sure that eventually something will trigger her cutting episodes again. Because, until she gets help for the underlying causes, she is always going to be making decisions that put her at risk. And although I have no love for this girl - of course I don't want her cutting herself - what pain she must be in to do such a thing to herself.

I guess my curiosity about all of this just continues and so does the level of bile rising in my throat when I see the 'stunts' this little-Miss-evil pulls - and - I want to reach out to her former lover and tell him, yell at him "Forget her, she is bad news, she is destructive to you and everyone around her, don't walk, RUN AWAY!!!" But of course that's never going to happen.

We now return you to our regularly shceduled programming *smirk*

Riding the bus

Today for the second day in a row, I had to take a bus ride into work (well actually it took me two different buses to get there...). What struck me as absolutely amazing on this bus ride so very early this morning (before 6AM) - was that all the riders KNEW EACH OTHER! Not only that, but at that hour in the morning they were all KIND to each other! (Holy shit!). I mean they greeted each other they had conversations with each other. I have NEVER ever witnessed this on a bus before. In fact it makes me think twice about taking my car in now. It was a happy experience. It was a nice, pleasant experience. I was amazed - seriously. (Does not take much to amaze me, I guess).

It left me wondering about people in general. I mean I had a terrible day at work today. It was one of the worst days in recent memory - some idiot from our IT department in an effort to 'fix' my computer, managed to wipe my hard drive clean. So all of my documents that I had stored on my hard drive are gone. Since we have 'shared' drives he just assumed that I saved everything to the shared drive - not my hard drive - but he did not bother to look, nor did he bother to ask me about any of this - he was doing this work after hours - after I had left for the day. He just wiped it clean. I had personal stuff on there, document templates, and 2 years of work I had done as the Yoga teacher for the Cleveland Clinic - gone - it's all gone......*sob*

And yet...this story about the bus is what stayed with me today....

Soon I will return to my usual rant - I have some interesting info to share about my arch nemesis but that's another post.

The next time you board your mode of public transportation, (as I am assuming some of you better-than-Colette citizens do...), smile at your fellow passengers, strike up a conversation - you just never know who you are going to meet and how much of an impression you might make to some total stranger... (of course you might want to avoid talking to those passengers that are angrily muttering to themselves or even those yelling at no one in particular) *wink*

Sidney Poitier is one of the best actors at least of my day. He turned in a great performance no matter what. This movie was so daring for it's time and it made such a huge impression on me as a young person. Teaching me that tolerance always wins out over ignorance and prejudice.

A blue day indeed

Since I had nothing to do yesterday after returning the rental car- and since I was a bit down from everything in general, including the remembrance of 9/11 - I basically did a lot of laundry and became a couch potato.

It was well worth it in a way thanks to some programming genius at TCM channel who managed to show not one but two of my all-time favourite movies. "Ben Hur" and "A Patch of Blue"

Ben Hur was always so powerful to me. I grew up in a mixed household as it were with these films as a back drop to growing up Catholic and of course the types of movies Mom would let us watch. I have to say though that this will always remain a classic in my mind and a good story. A bit long and drawn out but these types of films often are.

Now I think the more poignant of the these two movies has to be "A Patch of Blue" and it brought so many memories back for me and it had me teary eyed - well worth the feelings indeed

Some joy to share along with the sorrow...

This is one of MY biggests joys - my grandson.
This is his first birthday party picture..
A boy and his cake :)

Of sorrow and remembrance

It is three years since this country changed so drastically. It is three years since the world seemed bound and determined to rip itself apart.

I am sitting here at my computer, writing, faltering for the 'right' words when I know there aren't any in our vernacular to describe this event, to mark this passing. I should be at a Temple not at my computer. I should be praying - I can't - perhaps I AM praying right now and I don't know it....

I have friends - very close friends, who at the time this happened, were working/living in downtown Manhattan. One of my dearest friend's daughter had body parts raining down on her. I can not even imagine the horror of such a thing. In fact I am surpirse this young woman is stil coherant - I would be in a mental hospital.

Aside from all the political ravings, aside from all the debate, the retributions, the 'Patriot Act', the establishment of Homeland Security, the search for answers....

What I see here is a testament to the human spirit. A sentiment that goes beyond any government, a signal flag for hope. A prayer for peace. A resolution that even in uncertain times - we are all part of the human family and we should not be divided by political ideals, geographical borders, or religious practices (all man-made). Yes there is anger, there is sorrow, there is turmoil, there are cries for vengance....but there is also a glimmer of hope. There are people who still hunger for a global community. There is still peace to be waged.

I hope we win the fight for peace.

More political commentary

Not that anyone cares...but I thought I would post a letter I sent to my dear friend this morning. She was writing to me about the recent/ongoing issues with Bush's military record:

"What kills me is that everyone is getting all riled up about service records - I mean no offense who the hell cares - Vietnam was ages ago - I want to know what they are going to do NOW to help America. It's obvious Bush was a daddy's boy who because of his ties and because he was wealthy, got out of his duty - yes that's a load of crap but hey it's how our system works....no one's to blame for that but our system and to fix that system we need to stop pandering to the wealthy and THAT is never going to happen.

We don't belong in Iraq we never did - doesn't anyone realise that half the time we help put these people into power (Like Saddam) for our own agendas???? It's ridiculous - I for one am getting tired of it all - I think we need to help people in our own country and let the rest of the world fend for itself. Terrorism is a way of life now - we can't ignore it but we don't need to attack countries that represent no real threat either. Yes we need to be strong in the military but it does not help if we are not strong at home - people out of jobs don't care about the Iraqis - not for an instant - if I can't feed my kids why would I want to spend more money to drop bombs on other people's kids????? Makes no sense to me...

And it's not just the GOP that's evil....it's ALL of the political machine - which seems to have no other agenda besides the furtherance/promotion of power/wealth/oil/land you get the picture - to help benefit the powerful/wealthy in this country and in the end the people that end up suffering are the middle-class and the poor and the whole world views us Americans as war mongers and in reality it's not your average typical American feeling this way - we are just like other people in other countries the things we care about are universal - the human cost - the human need never seems to occur to the people in power does it? Now perhaps if THEIR sons/daughters died fighting in an unnecessary war their tune would change a bit... "

It's official - Colette's furious

Yep I have had it folks....with all this political bullshit and rhetoric. We were better off as cave men/women.

With Dick (boy they sure picked his first name right eh?) Cheney's statement (in essence) - that voting for the wrong party (translation = the Democrats) - could mean risking another terrorist attack on the soil of the good ole' US of A! (What cahones that man has!!!) Further, that the Democrats would probably just play 'defense' - and remember kids the best defense is a good offense.

So...let's just keep laying waste to the rest of the world in the name of God bless fuckin' America, and apple fuckin' pie, and fuckin' heterosexual (no pun intended) sex, and 4 more years of wearing blinders to the rest of the global community at large. Because we're big, we're bad, we're America and who gives a rat's ass about attacking other countries without provocation or the 'right' facts....we're America damn it! And you'd better watch your backs because you just never know who "W" is going to attack next because his daddy has a grudge match to settle.

Jesus H. Chris - when did we become La Cosa Nostra??? I mean even my Italian family that WAS involved in that kind of crap was more subtle than this - but hey with the kind of stakes at risk here (c'mon say it with me kids - OIL FIELDS!) can we really afford to play nice in the sandbox?

Ya know in some ways I am glad I got into that car accident 'cause I've been way too busy to pay much attention to this shit. Goddess I am so embarrassed to be an American.

Timeless

I want to write...
A revisionist history
I want to remember
Only the pleasure
Focus on the love .
Like the way -
Your eyes would lock
On mine
So cornflower blue,
So intense, so fierce
You would possess me
You could see right through me
And the way your hands
Would find those places
That made me shiver
Made me feel like
I was at dizzying heights
And that thrill would linger
Long after your touch
Or the times you’d -
Reach for me...
In the night and I’d be
Engulfed by your
Warmth and touch
The times when we’d
Make love... so
Intensely, with such
Abandon, that the
Afterglow would last
For days - I’d feel
Closer to you than
To any other human
Like you knew me,
Inside and out.
Your love would
Ring through me
Carry me away
Never let me
Touch the earth
Almost reaching
The heavens with
That love, a love
That seemed ancient,
Timeless, and forever

Now for some real issues and problems - besides my usual rants

"Yes Virginia, there are other things in life more importnat than Colette's relationship issues!"

I was involved in a car accident. On Sunday, August 29th as I was travelling down a one-way street in Cleveland. I was hit by a police car. Suddenly, and without any warning, (neither his lights nor his flashers on), the officer made a left hand turn from the middle lane - right into my car.

I am OK - thank God and so are the officers involved. I am extremly sore and achy, I have bruises, I have a thoracic contusion and one on my left knee. My car is damaged and I have no vehicle. Mainly, I am upset by the red-tape and the beauracracy that will be involved in getting this resolved. I am also beginning to think I am cursed. I suppose somehow it will all work out...

But in the scheme of things I am a miniscule little cog in the great wheel of life and, in comparison to the events that have unfolded this week - I am extremely unimportant/insignificant:

"Agony as school death toll rises": http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3627030.stm

To those families in Belsan, RUSSIA, my heart, my tears, my thoughts and prayers are with you now. As a global community, I hope you know that people all over the world have been saddened and shocked by this event. Those of us who are parents hugged our children a little closer to us this week as we prayed silently for the safe return of your children. Although my words alone can not convey the horror or the magnitude what happened here, please know that I am truly sorry and heart-sick over your loss.

May the compassion in the hearts of the millions of people who watched this with unfold along with you, somehow help you through your sorrow and grief. Know that we open our arms and our hearts to you. Know that we are here. I know this may sound lame, but maybe somehow, the outpouring of this grief and sorrow and yes even the outrage, can bring us closer together as a human tribe - as feeling and sentient beings who love our children more than anything - and perhaps, somehow keep this from happening elsewhere.

What a difference a year makes

Today would have been my 3-year wedding anniversary. Even though we had been together for several years (this year would be a decade) we had only been 'legally' married for 2 years and a couple of months when I found out about his little 'secret'.

I am sad very sad today. I am hurting (geez as usual) - these days and nights I don't think I can tell you a time when I am not hurting.

I try telling myself my heart will mend, I try putting on a brave face - it does not work very well. I have not cried yet today - wonder if I am all cried out. My social life has turned into a big fat zero - it's my own fault - I just don't feel like it anymore. I have a 'friend' who wants to date me (actually I have a couple of people who want to date me) - but it's just not fair to any of us right now (not me and certainly not them). And, I don't want to get all tied up in the expectancy of the whole thing right now...the last thing I need in my life is more disappointment.

Add to all of this the two very weird conversations - one I had last night with an old friend (who was at our wedding) and then today's with my sister (also at our wedding). The old friend loves both of us, dearly, but he informed me he is glad to hear it's over - he said my husband adored me and he loved me with all his heart but that he just could not be in a relationship as mature as I needed - he also said he felt my husband did not know the difference between right and wrong, that he was seriously and still is seriously fucked up and that nothing is going to change him. This friend also informed me that my ex-husband (whom I left for my current husband) - was still in love with me and has been all along. The reason he knew this was because he worked every single day with my ex-husband (what can I say it's a weird, small world out there).

Today, my sister, who was calling to check on me, also informed me that she thought my ex-husband has never stopped loving me.

OK now my sister does not talk to this old friend, she did not know about this conversation. All of this is weirding me out. Completely. I get absolutely no indication from my ex that he still has any feelings for me other than friendship and we are pretty good friends now - I mean am I truly this dense???

The other thing (for those who have not read my past postings), is the guilt I feel about leaving this man - who did love me, who did not cheat on me, who was a good provider and a good father. He was not a good lover, nor was he a good communicator and under the word macho Sicilian in the dictionary he should have posed for the picture. We simply had a marriage where feelings and emotions were not talked about, much less dealt with. That is not to say he was not emotional but he was not good with his emotions. He was emotional in a lot of the wrong ways. He seemed to believe in the 'traditional' role of a woman in a marriage. This was extremely irritating for me. He was not a very tolerant person, in fact, I cringe when I think of how intolerant of different cultures and people he is - in essence he was very old-fashioned in an Italian/Sicilian sort of way (I can hear Rita Moreno from West Side Story singing to Maria "Stick with your own kind").

For the last two years of it, our marriage was loveless. So this all of this is now going around in my head. Spinning round and round. I'd like to say something to him but I don't know what that would be...I don't really want to put it out there because, if he answered yes.....well I guess I'd be scared shitless. I am scared shitless now. I don't even know why.

I have some other serious issues going on too - this is for another post. Incredible happenings - unbelievable....I will get around to it all I promise.

Until then....

Adieu