Sometimes it's the things you DON'T say...

I feel very remiss in NOT mentioning the disaster in Southeast Asia and surrounding areas. I mean it was so devastating. Again it is a tragedy, the scope of which can not be accurately conveyed in mere words. I think mostly I am just in shock and feel quite helpless in the face of so much loss.

Last night I was at a cocktail party given by my brother and sister-in-law. There were some nice people there, including a woman who is from Indonesia – of course everyone cornered her to ask her if her relatives were OK. Thankfully, she said she had not gotten any bad news.

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A decadent Yule

I was given some really lovely presents from my family/friends/ex this year (yes my ex gave me some gifts).

I received a gorgeous candle from a friend of mine (this was a very expensive candle – and she really shouldn’t have) – it is a Jeff Leatham Candle and the scent is called ‘Voodoo Rose’ it is absolutely exquisite.

My ex gave me 2 DVDs I wanted: Practical Magic and Edward Scissorshands and a book that was on my list “The Venetian’s Wife” by Nick Bantock, and my favourite perfume Anais, Anais – he was very thoughtful and kind in his gift giving.

My sister-in-law, (who had me for our family gift exchange) gave me a beautiful hand-made silk scarf, a paper doll cut out book featuring two angels and angel ‘garb’ down through the ages from early Christianity onwards – it’s a really cool gift. She also got me an angel bell (which is cool because I collect angels), candy (always a nice gift) and last night she gave me some books and gifts for my cats. My sister-in-law is one of those amazing people. She is magical and I adore her. I am so happy she married my brother (of course he is happier ^_^) – and she is raising my niece and nephew – both wonderful kids. Love that woman!

From my son and my ex-husband (my son’s father) – I got a gift card to Half Price Books – good gift guys! I will put this to good use.

I also received homemade chocolates from my other good friend (C2) – she is a wonderful person and great friend to me and she is just incredibly cool and dangerous as well (*laughs* I think that’s an inside joke somehow).

All in all it was a nice holiday. I was not expecting any of these wonderful gifts so thanks ever so much.


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New Year

Well I actually could use to just be by myself. And one of these years that’s what I am going to do, but I really can’t this year. One of my dearest friends is in from NYC – this woman is probably as close to me as a sister. She is tough as nails, she has led such an interesting life, and, for the past 5 years or so she has been dealing with cancer and the aftermath. So I have promised to spend New Year’s Eve with her. We miss each other terribly and it promises to be a good time. I also have a lot of other invites and I should try to spend part of this weekend visiting with old friends.

On a bit of a sour note – one of the men I had been seeing off and on had asked me out for New Year’s Eve. I like this man – he is OK – nothing to write home about – seriously. He is a doctor (therefore a lot of my money-grubbing colleagues think it’s nuts when I don’t act as though he’s some kind of God-send, way out of my current life, turning me from Cinderella into a princess). OK first off this guy is always commenting on the fact that I now wear glasses – I used to not but because of eye surgery on my one eye I am back to glasses. He also makes comments about how nice it would be if I grew my hair long again. Now this man is bald and he has a cleft palate (hair lip). (I am sorry but I am going to be brutal here for a bit – what else is new – geez perhaps I should RESOLVE not to be brutally honest anymore but then I’d not be ME, would I?) – so every time he makes a comment asking me when I am getting contact lenses I don’t retort “Well my dear when are you getting plastic surgery and hair plugs?” Why? Because I don’t care about looks all that much – I care about what’s in their hearts (not their wallets), what’s in their brains, what’s in their souls. I mean yes there needs to be some chemistry but it’s not the *ONLY* thing. Further, after mentioning that I had made plans with this dear friend of mine – he informed me that I needed to ‘rethink those plans’ so *WE* could go dancing and dining – really??? You think so, eh? Well my dear physician, ‘Heal thyself’ – if you don’t like the way I look – here’s a clue – don’t date me. And furthermore I don’t dump my friends for guys ever – never have, never will. Not even when I am married to them.

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Looking forward

I don’t know what the future holds, my crystal ball is broke (or it’s been lying to me). I am just hoping for some peace in my life, some space in my soul, some quality time to get to know someone very dear and near to me, ME. I need to regroup and I have needed that for a while. I need to put aside a lot of things and do some house cleaning. I think for Chinese New Year I will be ready for that. I need to delve into the things I put aside in order to deal with all the havoc in my life. I should have never put them down – but other things needed my attention. I need to get closer to my friends and family this coming year and spend more time with them because they have seen me through a very rough year indeed and I owe them all big time. Perhaps the greatest gift I received (or have ever received), was the gift of their lovingkindness. I am humbled and thankful.

To all of you out there - here's hoping for a bright new year, filled with happiness, joy, good health and all the things that really matter to you. I wish you all the best - be safe!

Colette

Colette's Picks and Pans for 2004

*Ahem* well these are mainly ‘Picks’ because I don’t think the ‘pans’ deserve the blog-space.

Best Movies for 2004:

Farenheit 9/11

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
(even though I went to see it with my husband in some pitiful attempt to try to regain a semblance of our relationship, and it was a ‘date’ that ended horribly – the movie was was wonderful)

Love Actually
(this was another botched attempt at a date with him)

De’Lovely
(Different date, different man – WONDERFUL FILM! Add this one to your collection)

The Motorcycle Diaries

Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
(This movie was weird, wacky AND wonderful – go see it – just for the David Bowie songs performed in Portuguese alone)

Best Music/Groups for 2004
(or at least the ones I learned of/listened to this year):

Modest Mouse
(A big thanks to my son for this)

Keane
(Again having a 16-year-old son really helps)

Tricky

Red Delicious

Saint Etienne,
Sigur Ros, &
Thievery Corporation
(Been around for a while but I just started getting into them)

Maroon 5

Cold Play

*Note: both have been around before this year but I still listen to them and like them

Best Books (that I’ve read) for 2004:

Waiting for Gertrude – by Bill Richardson

Taming Your Gremlin – by Rick Carson

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim & Barrel Fever – both by David Sedaris

The Bride Stripped Bare – Anonymous


Jivamukti Yoga – by Sharon Gannon and David Life (this has been a very influential Yoga book for me over the past 2 years)

The Essential Rumi - by Jalal Al-Din Rumi, et al

And a NEW category for me this year – Best Blogs:
(*Note: This list included some from 2003*)

First off – I would like to acknowledge both the blog of my ex-hubby:

The Sky Is Burning

and of course his favourite little slut/prostitute’s blog:

This Cliché Life

(Without either of these blogs, yours truly would still be living in a lie/sick and twisted joke of a marriage and would definitely NOT have begun my own blog).

The rest are some of my favs – in no particular order – and for those who have seen fit to link back to me, a million thanks and keep on blogging kids!

Auterrific

Gurustu’s Words of Wisdom

Easy Bake Coven

The Rant King

Whispers

Da Goddess

Say What?

Starry Sheep

Queer-Eyed Mrs. P

Eurotrash

Dancing with Dogs

Uterine Wars

Postmodern Courtesean

Scaryduck

Purple Pen

Go Fug Yourself

Liam’s Odd Musings

Seeking Clarity

Dragon Droppings

Brewed Fresh Daily

Grumpiest Girl

(Of course I would not link to a blog unless I liked it – so feel free to check out my blog roll.)
It’s been an interesting year (blogging experience) to say the very least. I wish all of you continued happiness, good health, much joy and success. May your muse be kind and inspirational.

Other wonky weird thingus

So of course I am not just fascinated with extra-marital affairs and the psychology behind infidelity. I am also fascinated with the subculture of blogging. I just think it's really cool that people EVERYWHERE are doing this and putting their thoughts, hopes, dreams, raves, rants, deepest, darkest secrets out there for the whole wide world to see.

So that is why I have ways to check out who checks out *my* blog etc...

I noticed today that there was a link/referrer from the Environmental Protection Agency?!?!?!?!
Um...ok knd of wierd, kind of wonky - but intriguing just the same. I mean they went from the EPA site (blog?) to mine? Wonder what the hell *that* means. (Cue weird X-Files music).
Between that the the Gouranga e-mail I just don't know. If I end up on an Alien ship, hopefully they will still let me blog.

^_^

Michael Paulus :: Skeletal Systems

Michael Paulus :: Skeletal Systems
This is sort of weird/creepy/funny. I have this cool site thanks to a friend, Daiv (through a round about way (sort of)) - Daiv is wonderful and extremely funny. We share a birthday, (which is way cooler than sharing a b-day with Jerry Lewis). The other great thing about Daiv is that he is not drawn to scale *laugh* (you'd have to meet him obviously, to understand).

Soundtrack for an affair

Way back when - when I was first with my husband (recent ex) - he of course decided to use the internet to find other victims (er I am sorry I meant women) - to 'play' with. Of course we were not married at the time. I found out about this but I forgave him and let him back in...stupid me.

At any rate, in order to deal with the pain I did a lot of things - one of those things was to put together a tape (I had no way at the time to burn CDs) - a tape of music which let me 'express' what I was feeling (through the music). I called the tape "Smoke" because indeed I felt like he had used a smoke screen of sorts (smoke and mirrors) as it were in his lying and 'cheating' behind my back - as well as with the other 'parties' involved.

Well I did it again this time around (*smirk*) - but I haven't given this one a 'title' as yet.

*laughs*

Perhaps we should have a 'Name That Soundtrack' contest here on Dancing on Colette's Grave...let me know what you guys think.

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1. Foolish Games - by Jewel
2. Come Undone - by Duran Duran
3. Voices Carry - by 'Til Tuesday
4. Possession - by Sarah McLachlan
5. Nobody Loves Me - by Portishead
6. Thief of Your Heart - by Sinead O'Connor (from 'In the Name of the Father' soundtrack)
7. Why? - by Annie Lennox
8. I Can't Make You Love Me - by Bonnie Raitt
9. Who's that Girl? - by Eurythmics
10. Creep - by Radiohead
11. Don't Speak - by No Doubt
12. I'm not coming home - by Maroon 5
13. Jolene - by The White Stripes
14. Walking on Broken Glass - by Annie Lennox
15. Solitary Man - by Neil Diamond
16. Without You - by Harry Nilson
17. Don't Explain - by The Wild Colonials (remake of Billie Holiday tune)

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Now is the winter of *MY* discontent. And I feel laid bare by the cold, bitterness that seems to be taking up residence in my heart.

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Did somebody (ME) ask for snow!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?

Um OK. I wanted snow but not *this* This ice-cold, bitter, numbing, artic blast along with 2 feet of snow that makes me feel like I am living in a snow globe (a snow globe from hell)! The winter weather has descended upon this region like a plague. (Wouldn't it be cool to have all the snow but warm weather?)

One of my sweetest memories is if my 1st honeymoon and being up on Mt. Ranier. It was May and it was 70-degrees out and we were standing in the snow - it was truly amazing - looking down form that incredible vista you could see for miles, down into the lake below where 'Indians Arm' verdant against the deep blue water, jutted out. A wonderful trip and it is truly a shame that the marriage was not as solid as the mountain we stood upon.

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Finshed reading "The Bride Stripped Bare" a bit ago. It is lingering with me the way a bad dream lingers...the feelings it aroused in me lasting all through my days and stretching into my nights, haunting me. This was an exquistie work, incredibly sexy, while at the same time managing to be palpably frightening, vivid and raw. I will read this book again I am sure.

That which brings highest happiness!!

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!
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Um OK - I got this 'wonky' e-mail (see above) in my bulk folder....

Anyone know what it means???? *sighs* Where IS Agatha Christie or that lady from 'Murder, she wrote' when you need them....

Just weird stuff ^_^

A passing season – the death of a king

Happy Solstice.

The blah-ness is beginning to settle. I usually love this time – especially the chance to be out in the snow – but I am a bit under this weather and we are collectively holding our breaths for the next snowstorm. Perhaps when it comes and brings the backdrop of scenery I need, I will feel better.

The rush is on too – getting ready for the last minute stuff; for spending the holidays with my siblings and family. Getting my son ready to go out and spend time with his sister. I’d love to see my daughter – she is 7 months along now and I’d love to spend time with her – in that calmness, that waiting, before all the momentum/craziness surrounding the birth. It would be like hanging out with The Madonna. But the weather is going to be awful and I don’t want her on the road and I don’t want to be on the road – so her in-laws will be coming to get my son so he can spend Yule-tide with her.

So last night I wrapped gifts and tried to get it done quickly – dispense with the mundane. On Tuesday nights I would typically have a Yoga class – but the center is closed this week and next. So I am at home trying to be cozy and frantic at the same time – it’s not working.

There are very few TV programs I watch – I don’t watch much TV – but this season there is one show in particular I have grown to like. It’s called ‘House’ and it star Hugh Laurie (I love Hugh Laurie). He is perfect for this role of Angel of Mercy meets a combination of Mr. Darcy from ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and Hercule Poirot from the Agatha Christie books. He wit is sardonic, his intelligence astounding and you want to love the rogue in him. Working in the medical field myself it never really dawned on me how doctors of certain bearing had to play ‘detective’ in order to figure out what was wrong with their patients. Of course most doctors do not have patients present with such rare disease processes. It’s brain candy for me and therefore, I am certain the show will end up cancelled.

After watching that, I started flipping through the channels (mainly because I had to stay up to wait for my son to be picked up to go to Michigan). And I came across The Kennedy Center Honors. This year, the honorees were: Warren Beatty, Ossie Davis & Ruby Dee, Sir Elton John, Dame Joan Sutherland, and John Williams. Now, I do not usually watch this type of programming. I for one feel that these ‘honors’ often come way too late in the honoree’s life (I mean do we really have to wait until these people are *that* old before we ‘honor’ their achievements?) I also feel a lot of times there is a political motive behind the awards.

I tuned in late in the programme and they were doing the ‘this is your life’ bit for Warren Beatty. I began to feel very old. But I had to say I was also enjoying my trip down memory lane because a couple of my all-time favourite movies were ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ as well as ‘Reds’. I feel both were ground-breaking films and Mr. Beatty deserved his accolades - not just because he used to be (and still is) really great eye-candy – but because he rose above it and shone through as a wonderful, introspective actor.

Next came Sir Elton John. What can you say about ‘Reggie’? A lot it would seem. I remember loving his early music (‘Madman Across the Water’, ‘Don’t Shoot me I’m Only the Piano Player’ and of course ‘Yellow Brick Road’) – and then I think he began to fall out of favour – at least with me…but years later I was lucky enough to go to New York and see Aida (WOW!) - then of course there is all the music from the Lion King – and in essence he recreated himself and resurrected his career. One of the best ‘bits’ of the tribute to Sir Elton was when Billy Joel was on stage performing a rousing rendition of ‘The Bitch is Back’ – I thought that 1st Lady Laura Bush and Dame Joan Sutherland looked rather uncomfortable to say the least. *evil grin*

Both of these careers spanned over my lifetime and both brought great enjoyment and pleasure to me. I think it just goes to show that our lives are about the journey and the people we touch. Life is also about perseverance, following your dreams - despite all the naysayers, and reaching beyond yourself - for the stars.

From the Home Office

This was sent to me by dear Liam (how I love that man's humour) - quite funny!

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A letter from the Home Office (London, UK), to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Guilty pleasures

I will admit to a guilty pleasure – well a guilty pleasure in some ways – not revealing too, too much I am afraid.

In watching ‘Desperate Housewives’ last nite I began wondering again about those ‘things’ that drive us to infidelity….turns out one of the ‘housewives’ seemed to have a ‘hobby’ she was a call girl for the men in the neighborhood whose wives apparently were not giving them exactly what they needed.

So I begin to wonder – is this an epidemic? I think it is. I think both sexes are guilty of this – but it just seems men have always used the excuse that ‘My wife just does not understand me’, in order to justify what they do – such as an extra-marital affair. The woman in the show last nite who was providing this ‘service’ told the wife that confronted her that her husband felt that he could not go to her and ask that his needs be met….

Well, well, well - that certainly rings a bell with me – my husband told me the same thing and you know what – while it might be true - I don’t recall him trying very hard to ask me for things – but of course it could have been that he did try, and I was either too busy or too harried (from the fact that he never helped around the house and almost everything of any real responsibility fell on me) – so one gets tired. I would imagine a lot of wives view their husbands asking as whining and tend to just either ignore them, or not give in to their desires. The bottom line is that I think both sexes need to learn how to communicate better with each other (duh)…but it’s not very easy – especially when men and women speak different languages.


Lately I find some men have ‘approached’ me – wanting to talk to me about things. A lot of them come from reading my blog – one of them (that I know of) is married. I am always happy to talk to people. (I love getting e-mails (NO - not the ones where you ask me if I want to be your slave or your mistress – although if we become close enough that’s not an entire rule out situation either – and please for those of you out there who are thinking about doing this – if I have never, ever spoken with you, and you approach me about this, cold water is going to seem warm compared to what I will say to you – you have to at least *KNOW* me or have spoken to me first OK?) ) – as I said while I love this particular aspect of blogging – part of me feels guilty; because the guy(s) in question should really be talking to their wives/girlfriends etc. And I have to wonder – does my anonymity make it easier for them to talk to me about fantasies – hell about anything? Have I become a combination of a sex columnist and 'Dear Abby'? Are wives out there really that closed off to their husbands??

I know I was there for my husband – he made the choice to exclude me – I am open-minded and I am adventurous – he was looking for something he must have thought I’d never do – like going to couples or allowing him to explore being bi-sexual (although again HAD he talked to me…) - oh yeah and I am not big on having sex with 18 year old prostitutes either but c’est la vie eh – he did in the end what he wanted to do.

I know when I was trying both near the end and during our separation to get my husband to work with me – it failed miserably. I mean I knew the reason he was cavorting elsewhere had to be that he was not getting his needs met. So I asked him to tell me his fantasies – but he put up this huge wall and did not talk about it. So I have to wonder – is it the anonymity of the women that causes men to be able to open up. Is it the Madonna/Whore complex? What is it? The husband in last nite’s show shed some light on a piece of it. He was saying that it’s easier with the woman he does not know – because her opinion of him did not matter as much as his wife’s opinion. That a strange woman rejecting him or refusing him was not as painful as the wife doing that same thing.

While I can begin to empathize with this sentiment – part of me – the bitter angry part – feels it is yet another ‘excuse’ and therefore I have some advice for would-be or soon-to-be adulterers. (men and women). Open your fucking mouths! Try! OK – try talking to us for real – not conversations in your heads and not when we are angry with you – or trying to put the kids to bed, feed the family or all the other myriad things we do for you. Find a quiet time – make a quiet time and talk to us. If not then stop making excuses, call a spade a spade and have your affair and let the chips fall where they may. But if you never ask – you’ll never know. And if your relationship is not that ‘type’ of relationship and you want it to be there are ways to change – there is always hope, there is always a choice – and, if you truly love each other – you will find a way.

A Cats Christmas

A Cats Christmas

This is really cute - file under the heading of cute animal pictures. And besides *everyone* needs a break from my intensity sometimes.

Thanks to Liam for sending this link!

*kisses*
Colette

Mirror, mirror….do you like what you see?

I have to/want to say some things to you – I don’t think you are listening – but then do you ever listen? Really listen?

Why do you continually keep getting involved in relationships that are destructive? I mean are these the *ONLY* relationships you can manage to find – abusive relationships?
If someone is hurting you, that’s abusive, if someone is trying to isolate you – that’s a function of abuse too. You may think you want this stuff – but ultimately it hurts you more than you will ever know. And I have some news for you – You *are* dependent on others, we ALL are. Unfortunately with you – because you keep entering into these relationships (that are of course not in *YOUR* control) – you end up becoming more and more dependent, and less and less able to break away from the cycle of destruction.

You are intelligent and vital and yet, you are dying. You don’t even know why, not really. You shy away from digging any deeper because why? You might find out something about yourself you don’t like? Somewhere, somehow, some small part of this is your fault? I can tell you quite frankly that the stuff from our childhoods is not to be blamed on us. But childhood’s over with, baby and it’s time to grow up and stop laying every fuckin’ thing at the feet of your monsters in the closet. Yes you can be depressed – that’s fine – it sucks, but it’s fine – it’s all ultimately up to you, you know – isn’t it? I mean if you moan and groan about being depressed, if things are never good enough for you, if you are constantly running away from your responsibilities, if your life just isn’t what you thought it should be by now – well whose fault is that? Especially if you don’t get the help you need in order to ‘fix’ things.

I am not saying therapy is the ‘end all, be all’ but if you don’t fix this – your broken,
damaged psyche, what the hell do you think is going to happen? It’s an easy answer – you are just going to stay broken. Nothing is ever going to change and you will drown in a cycle of destructive behaviour. Perhaps it’s what you want – it’s certainly not what you deserve – not at all. No one deserves a crappy life. No one deserves to be abused – unless it’s of their own choosing – and, I am beginning to think it’s actually what you want. But then I guess you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Perhaps you want people to feel sorry for you. Perhaps you truly believe you never had a hand or a choice in the destruction that you cause – that you continue to cause to everyone around you. ‘Not your fault? How can it be your fault? You are an innocent, you were abused yourself…it’s your *"SICKNESS"*, it’s your *"DEPRESSION"* Right? It's all those horrible things those mean nasty people did to *YOU* and you can't be bothered to be held responsible now - is that it? Isn’t that what your little inner voice keeps whispering in your ear. Can’t be the fault of that damaged little girl you so desperately don’t want others to see. Nope – gotta be those other people who don’t get you. And yes how nice is it to be surrounded by people who ‘get it’ and ‘get you’, right? Don’t you really mean people that you’ve managed to snow into believing your ‘story’, people you have managed to somehow charm who don’t really know the REAL you? Your adoring fans. My, my must be really something when you hold court. People must live in awe of you and your mystery, your beauty, your talent, your with-it-ness. How cool it must be to be you…I mean you don’t think that – but you want everyone else to think it.

Don’t you ever wonder what’s going to happen when that all wears off? When you can no longer charm the pants off of people (literally) – when you start running out of victims? Or just simply when everyone begins to get tired of your little whiny act, and allyour bullshit, and you moping around and feeling sorry for yourself? When you are not cute enough to pull it off….

Oh and those people you think are talking behind your back because they don't like you - your are right (say it with me now paranoid) - but rightly so - and no, it's not 'high-school' crap (is that your pat answer to everything?) - no my dear, it's as old as the hills and it's called gossip - and you probably ignore it all - which is good - but still..it gnaws at you - makes you angry a bit - why is that? Probably because the mean-spiritedness *IS* warranted. Because nobody likes a liar, nobody wants to be friends with someone they deep down don't trust - and if they know your story - well then I guess they are just calling it like they see it - it's not jealousy - it's something way more insidious than that...and to that end - so goes your reputation.

Already the façade is beginning to crumble and the cracks are beginning to show and slowly you will fade away and no one will care. And that will be a very sad day indeed.

What a shame….

So when you look in the mirror – do you like what you see? Or do you believe the lies you tell everyone else about yourself?

Status quo

Life…it’s like that ‘circular’ file. I want to throw it all away sometimes.
I am not a young ‘girl’ anymore. I can’t just get up and leave anytime I want – but I spend a lot of time away from my home and my son and then I feel guilty about that. He is such a great person and for that I am forever grateful. When we do have time together, it’s QUALITY time – not like the crap that the TV shows and Dr. Phil’s of the world are always telling you to have with your kids.

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My life seems to be in some sort of holding pattern lately. I want to go – just go – start all over again somewhere else. But where? And alone? What the hell happens to people when they grow up? Does working everyday and being responsible cause you to lose all sense of adventure? Or is it that you feel you have more to lose? What the hell is it? When I was in my 20s this would not have been a problem and I keep thinking that once my son graduates it won’t be a problem again – but do I have a plan? No.

And then there’s my ‘life’ the part where I am a professional….the part where I have to go out and socialize - ‘rub elbows’ as it were with people who don’t have a clue and would not know how to buy one either. I mean I feel like a freak half the time because if I started talking about the real me, the music I listen to, the books I read, the things I do – like this writing (this sub-par piece of crap – my blog). I mean they’d never get it. At one point in the evening, last night – at a dinner I had to go to, one of the ladies there said to me “Wow you are cool” – and I was really both upset and flattered. Mainly upset - I mean just because I have been exposed to a lot of things – that makes me cool? This woman does not really know me. And if she were to come to know me she would probably run, screaming for the hills. Because I would definitely upset her sense of the ‘world’; her ideas of what the norm is – I mean I should not be so quick to judge, perhaps she’d like to have everything she’s known to be real challenged, dissected, dismantled, annihilated….I just don’t know. I quietly despair because again I feel like I am never going to find ‘those’ people – or even that one person who will know what I am talking about…who will understand my references.

###########################################################

Here come the holidays….another country heard from. Part of me loves this time of the year. I love the lights. I love the weather… (yes I wish it would snow and you know what I am not crazy for wanting this – it’s Cleveland for fucks sake, so get used to the cold and snow or move to Florida you idiots) – I mean it puts me in the mood. I love getting gifts for people. I love the feeling of it all. I am lucky, I love my family – I cherish my family – I can’t believe I have the family I have – I don’t see most of them enough.

And yet….again, I just want to run away. There’s just no explaining it – and I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I need to go away – I wish I could just go away for a while. I NEED to go away. ALONE for a while – just to not have to see anyone I know for enough time so that I can begin to miss them – to appreciate them.

There are people in my life I want to see more of – but I don’t. They are busy with their own lives, and the stigmata of me being without a partner – the proverbial ‘third wheel’ - is still pretty fresh. Perhaps it’s me – perhaps I am just projecting these things and people don’t really think this – and they probably don’t… but still it’s hard because they know my ‘story’ and I know they feel bad for me and I truly appreciate the concern and the love – but how can I forget and put this behind me and how can they? I mean it’s like I have become my ‘story’ – it’s my identity.

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And so perhaps what I am looking for is anonymity. To become a nomad. Like the dime-store novels about that ‘stranger’ that goes from town to town and briefly touches peoples’ lives, perhaps helps out with the revolution and then just as suddenly, leaves. Sort of a female Clint Eastwood ‘Spaghetti Western’ character. ‘Two Mules for Sister Sarah’ and I get to be Shirley MacLaine who is a masquerading as a nun but is secretly a revolutionary. (Jesus am I giving away my age or what?) This should be the time of my life where I am ‘settling’ down, planning my retirement – but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to fade away. I want to live and love and laugh and have no regrets. I want to be full and not hunger anymore. Yet I want the quiet and solitude too and perhaps I am just an Jekyll/Hyde that can’t make up her mind.

I want to scream but I don’t know who I want to scream at – or who’s going to listen anymore – and I am still so angry and so hurt and I still have a need to write about all this shit and I just am getting so bored with it all myself….and so are you (I’ll bet).

So I want to just go down to the river (preferably the Ganges) and wash myself clean and emerge a new person – a re-incarnation only better. Then, when I come back – people will see me as ‘new’ and the scars will have disappeared and I won’t be so fragile anymore. I will be whole and fresh and my past will be just a distant memory.

In memoriam

John-Lennon.com - Imagine An International Holiday Honoring John Lennon

Last night I watched 'The Concert for George' on PBS - a tribute to the late, great George Harrison - I found myself in tears from the beauty, the joy, the deep resounding love that was being generated by all those gathered there to celebrate his life, his love, his joy, all that he brought to the world with his music and his message.

George by far was my 'favourite' Beatle - coming in a close second was John Lennon.

"All you need is love"

Colette

One frozen moment in time

I am hurrying (as I often do), from work – actually from teaching a Yoga class. Outside as I go to my car, it is blustery (blustery being somewhat of a misnomer) – it is incredibly windy and the wind sends the last of the leaves skittering across the walk. Mainly, I am concentrating on where I am going, walking, keeping my coat close to me – it is buttoned but the bottom is annoying me by flapping in the wind. For a second I think about the TV show ‘The Flying Nun’ – don’t ask me why…inane stupid thoughts! The weather is unseasonably warm (almost 65°) but the winds keep the pedestrians from noticing.

I look up for just a moment to get my bearings, and I am suddenly looking into the eyes of a stranger. He’s young, dark, seems to be of Arabic decent, he is intense in an unimaginable way. For the briefest time, our eyes meet – and, I know him, I can *feel* him; His anger, his restlessness, his despair. He is conflicted, caught between two worlds; the ancient world of his ancestors with its mosques, and hours of prayer-facing-East, devotion, duty, Allah – the love mixed with the fear, honor-bound, as old as the earth; smelling of jasmine and hookah pipe smoke; mingling with the mystery of the women – kohl-eyed, silent and forbidden…

He wants none of this, his soul yearns for flight, freedom. The ‘Western’ ways; things, that if he were to speak these desires aloud would get him ostracized or worse. Still, he wants ‘it’ – all of it – American as apple pie, bubble gum, pop music, blondes with doe eyes and long legs and fake tits who have loud, moaning, 4th-of-July orgasms. Yet…he knows somewhere in the empty echo-filled chambers of his mind he will never cross that line. This secret will only live and breathe in his imagination.

'Tis the season

When I was a little girl, our school put on plays for the Christmas Holiday season - I must have been about 9, or 10 or 11 years old at the time of this particular memory.

Keeping in mind I attended a Catholic school, the play had your typical nativity scene and lots of cute 'Christmas' songs. The entire school participated in these atrocious pageants.

This song was taught to us girls by one particularly twisted lay teacher - I don't remember her name - but I do recall her being fiery and full of mischief.

Below are the lyrics for this song (or at least what I can remember - I think I came pretty close to the exact lyrics) - I can't even tell you who wrote the song - or even the correct name *laugh* - and you can see from the way the animals were treated in the song, this was before the days of political correctness and PETA. (Please note I would never harm any animal and no animals were harmed by the singing of this song). ^_^

Every now and then during the holidays, my sister and I will sing this song, much to the mortification of our family members. When your drunk it's a hoot.

Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish friends.

*******************************************************************************

The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped that pear tree down
And burnt it just for spite.
Then, with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge…
My true love, my true love my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I put on the ole’ rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks of both those turtledoves.
The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake,
And they turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
The seventh day what I mess I found,
All seven of the swimming swans had drown,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me
The eighth day after Christmas,
I took the eight maids-a-milking,
Nine ladies dancing, ten lords-a-leaping,
Eleven pipers-piping, Twelve drummers drumming
(Actually I kept one of the drummers for myself),
And sent them back collect, I wrote my true love,
“We are through, love” and in so many words..
“Furthermore, your Christmas gifts were for the birds!”

So...can I ask you something?

This is NOT a question for anyone I know (or at least have in my life already) – this is a question for you bozos out there who decide to ‘write’ to me – whether it is in the way of a ‘dating’ scenario or just deciding to ‘add me’ as one of your friggin’ IM buddies.

For those writing about ‘dating’ or ‘getting to know me as a friend’ – um yeah, ok right. Are you idiots???? Wait don’t answer….

You write to me, and you say you want to get to know me. ME. I am assuming, not some Barbie-doll, pin-up-girl fantasy that you couldn’t get even if you DID have a big penis and all the money in the world. ME. So… I write back to you and all of a sudden you freak. WHY? Because I ask you what you are reading??? Because I want to know about YOU??? Let’s get something straight. OK….*if* you write to me and you don’t REALLY want to get to know me – then don’t write to me. (There that was easy wasn’t it?) If I write back, asking you about your reading habits because boys, let me tell you right now, if you DON’T read, DON’T even bother writing to me, OK – and if it bothers you or unnerves you that I have the audacity to ask you IF you read – well then just tell me to go pound salt (or here's a novel concept - don't bother me to begin with!) – REALLY! I can take it! Especially if you mean nothing to ME to begin with. And while we are on that vein – do me one more favour, OK – have the balls to tell me if you no longer wish to correspond – I realize that you don’t OWE me anything – but isn’t there some kind of etiquette to this shit?

OK next question…..

Who the hell out there thinks that because I go by the ‘pen name’ of Colette and that I read her, Anais Nin, and other erotic writers that I am therefore into BDSM and ‘looking for a slave’?????? HUH???? EXCUSE ME???? Are you fucking retarded????

Wait…..don’t answer I will answer for you – YES a resounding yes! You are retarded! Go take your little, can’t-be-seen-even-under-a-high-powered, microscopic penis and put it in a vice and turn the volume up real high OK. There! That oughta satisfy your cravings. I mean PLEASE (and no I am not begging you because THAT might turn you nit-wits on too) – DO NOT add me to your IM/buddy list and then think I am going to engage in that type of conversation with you. Ain't gonna happen.

First of all if you DO see my Yahoo profile and you DO read my blog then you know that asking me about this shit is only going to anger me – there is absolutely nothing in my profile to suggest that I am into this crap, NOTHING. And if you are doing it to taunt me – well then paybacks are a bitch because I will figure out a way to report you for harassment and believe me I WILL make up something really heinous – so knock it off.

This does not happen often – but it does happen. I for one am sick of it – I simply can’t see how these people could be THAT confused – unless of course their blood is ONLY going to their penises and not their brains (questionable as to whether they even possess brains). And please don’t tell me my blog is causing you to think this of me because you are full of crap – and you know that.

Oh and by the way I don’t want to hear from any fetish idiots either – I am NOT KNOCKING what you do – not at all – carry on, with my full blessing (not that you need it) – but leave people alone who don’t belong to those Yahoo groups – I mean if we really want to join up with you, we will – no need to recruit – is there? Or if you want, I will be happy to give you the name and e-mail address of my ex-husband - you will definitely get further with him.

I know by putting myself out here – in the public light – as it were, that in some ways I am asking for this and I am going to update my profiles out there to perhaps head some of this stuff off – but seriously guys – if you are living in Seattle and I am living in Cleveland – even if I wanted to have you as my slave (which I don’t) – do you seriously think YOU are worth me flying to the West coast? And vice-versa? The answer here is no. I am sure you can find someone to play with in your own sandbox, kitty litter, whatever the hell you are into.

Thanks ever so much for letting me rant and have a nice day !

^_^

Not yet...not now

This is not something you want - not yet.

A new person to discover, to learn about, to fall into...

NO! not yet. It's not right and there's too many reasons right now not to do this - not to yourself - nor to anyone else....

There are WAY too many reasons to not get into this. There is a caution, a fear, you are frightened because - well because of a lot of reasons - not the least of which is a very real concern that won't/can't be written down here.

And yet...you like this man.
He is DIFFERENT.
He is quiet and introspective and DIFFERENT.
He is all angles, and dark, and DIFFERENT, and a puzzle and you want to crack him open like a nut and see what is inside but you are afraid to for fear of dissapointment. And it's not just the fear of dissapointment on YOUR end of the relationship - it's all the little secrets you don't want him to know about you - the discovery phase. You are just not up for that and you don't know if you ever will be again EVER...

There are those THINGS - things you think about like your body and how it looks now, after childbirth and age settling in, draping itself over you, and not being as flat-bellied as you want to be. It all becomes a hindrance - the physicality of it all. And you begin thinking of body parts and detachment - becuase you don't want to find that tenderness and you don't want it found on you either. The nape of a neck, the back of a knee, the arch of a foot, the closeness, the hush, the whisper, the breath...all too close...all too human...all too imperfect.

He suggests things like long talks and thanks you for no reason at all...and you want to have those long talks - because it's rare - like a wine that's meant to be savoured. The wine is smooth going down but there is a slight burn to it as well, the warmth of the alcohol, the headiness of the buzz....

He's told you no expectations, in order for you to relax, to breathe, to not have to put a name to this...whatever it is. And he gives you a 'friendly' hug (because he knows you are so fragile right now), and it's so gentle and yet so warm and all emcompassing and you just want to collapse into it, melt into it, be engulfed by it and drown...

But something isn't letting you...not yet.

Once upon a time...

When my relationship with my ex was happy - BEFORE we were married; we used to do a little writing together. We put together a 'Zine' called: "Afternoon at the Bijou". It was a nice publication and I kind of miss doing stuff like that and at the time - we seemed to work well together.

I used to do a 'spirituality' column, writing under the name of Rhiannon (taken from my affinity with the Celts and the Goddess specifically).

In the last 'issue', my column was about the 'Church' and by 'Church' I mean an organized religion - usually a place where there are rules and regulations and dues to be paid (if you will).

So here is my article from back then (with a little (minimal) editing - spelling errors etc.) After this last posting of mine about the refusal to run the ads welcoming Gays to the church - I thought it deserved another run. I think it pretty adequately sums up my feelings for places where the word 'tolerance' can't be found in the 'Prayer Book' or Hymnal...

***********************************************************************************

"Through the Looking Glass"
By Rhiannon

I saw an interesting ad recently in one of the alternative press runs that Cleveland has to offer. It was one of those box ads on the last page and the advertisement was aimed at people "Who hate church but love God". I found this ad to be a bit disconcerting. (I am glad the person placed the ad and I am not offended by the ad at itself). It simply made me wonder about my own experience. I mean is that why I left the church? Because I hated church? I eventually had to admit it was not the 'church' I hated. It was the image of God that church was trying to 'sell' me.

Church in and of itself was nice. I was nice being able to go socialize with people after mass on Sunday; it was nice to go into a place where they lit candles and burned frankincense, with stained glass windows and organ music.

I left because I could no longer deal with the hypocrisy. I left because the promise was fading and more often than not, I was left feeling empty and sad. I left because I was sick and tired of hearing them ask for money instead of nurturing my budding soul. I left because I did not feel that women were treated with the same respect as men.

I'd like to think that there is a church out there with walls and windows and a roof that acts the way a church should act. Acts as a haven from the world, as a place where we put aside our differences and treat one another with love and respect. As a place where even the poorest of the poor help people in need. A church where people aren't expected to empty their pockets blindly, but willingly - and if they have no money to offer, they offer their services/help instead.

I hope and pray that there is a church out there where 'Christian sensibility' has not been replaced by uptight morality; where all ideas are given credence - and even the young have a say. Where women are allowed to officiate without fear of ostracism. A progressive church that is active in its community without being judgmental. A church where love and honor between consenting adults is not a sin - even if those adults are of the same sex. And if those adults wish to be married in a religious ceremony - I pray for a church that would welcome them.

A priest once told me that God is not bound by the laws of man, nor is he bound by man's words. Now that I am older, I would like to ask that nice man why exactly he thought those laws offered up by his church were the 'only' ones that had to be followed. I tried to be good and listen to the teachings being offered to me, it is just that they did not seem to make sense to me and still do not today. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I expect to have my cake and eat it too. I am not looking for an easy way out of a moral dilemma. I am looking for a well-balanced medium.

Any religious person attending a church, or even a minister would perhaps tell me that man/woman is sinful and that we need a church to enforce God's 'rules'. Perhaps we do. However, I do believe there is a story in the Bible that refers to Jesus treating a common whore with great respect. I am left wondering what would happen if a prostitute wandered into a church on a Sunday morning, dressed, as it were in the uniform of the street. Would she be treated the way Mary Magdalene was treated by Jesus? Or would there be an outcry and the sinner asked to remove herself?

I am not knocking any particular church. If you know of a church out there which fits my wish list, please call me or write to me because I would love to attend. But for now I think I will simply worship at my private altar or around my table with my friends and loved ones and share in the communion we create amongst ourselves. You are welcome to join us if you like. We promise not to brain-wash you or ask you for money. We do promise to make your think - that is if you are up for some thinking. Maybe that is part of the problem here - the general complacency of the population. Perhaps we like our theology spoon fed to us by people who deem themselves 'holy' and righteous.

I know my Catholic ancestors are rolling in their graves, but *I* am happy this way. If however I prove to be wrong in the face of St. Peter at the gates of heaven, well the hopefully the God *they* taught me about won't be holding a grudge.

Bright blessings!

U.S. networks reject church gay ad

CNN.com - U.S. networks reject church gay ad - Dec 1, 2004

Part of me is simply too upset to comment on this right now. I will find the time and the right 'voice' to comment when I get my thoughts together.

But let me at least say this: The God *I* believe in is NOT exclusive, (nor is he short on cash, as Mr. Bono of U2 fame would say). I believe a lot of things (in my own heart and mind that is) - about my 'faith' - one of the foremost 'opinions' I have about how a model for a 'Christian' ethic/movement SHOULD work is that it operates using tolerance, love, acceptance, forgiveness, kindness, charity- you know being a 'Good' Christian. There should never be judgemental behaviours, cruelty, intolerance, ignorance, out and out hate...

But then again does GOD really need an ad campaign?

More to come....

The Bride Stripped Bare

I find myself unable to concentrate – it’s been this way for a while – I have always been an avid reader – but with the past year’s events, I simply could not read (or sleep, eat, function in general – I am surprised I still have a job). Recently I have ‘found’ books again – it is a great joy to me – although not so much a great comfort, depending on the book in question.

I am currently reading a book authored anonymously called “The Bride Striped Bare” – it is one of the most riveting books I have ever read. The story is told in brief chapters and each chapter seems to have a heading that is a ‘lesson’ that seems to have come form an old English primer book on how to be a good wife (at least possibly how be a good wife back in Victorian times). But this is a modern-day story about a wife who is caught between a rock and a hard place after she finds out her husband is cheating with her best and oldest friend. It is also about this young woman’s ‘awakening’ in some ways. In my current ‘predicament’ this book has almost become a ‘primer’ for me (although the woman in the book handles her situation in a much different way than I did), and, much like a horrible car accident I am drawn into it and I cannot look away.

I don’t usually recommend books. I mean who cares what *I* read, right? This one being of such a very personal nature might not be your particular cup of tea. But the dedication in the book says more in the way of a recommendation than I could possibly say – the book is dedicated to all wives – and all husbands. If you read this book - you should try to get your sginificant other to read it as well - it's pretty 'eye-opening'. And the title to this book is so VERY apropos.

If you do end up finding this one on your bedside table let me know so we can ‘discuss’.