Interesting as usual, talking with *HIM* last night (and no, you aren't getting his name); but then it’s ALWAYS interesting talking with him. I wonder if we have years worth of talk ahead of us or, if like most couples it will fade after a while.
There was a bit of a hairy moment in listening to him deal with some personal stuff with his ex. I remember those days. Well. I remember hating those times where we would fight with each other over our parenting styles, where I swore that he was fighting with me and using the kids as weapons just because of his ‘bruised ego’ and I could not get him to understand the damage all this ‘tug of war’ between us was doing with the kids...
Yeah...it’s rough. It’s hard to see him go through this. As I get closer to him and I begin to see things that aren’t the most wonderful or pleasant, it does not dull my desire, or cloud my vision, in fact it makes me want to be more compassionate, more loving, more supportive.
We went to a little outdoor café (BTW, this to me is the epitome of romance, being in little out-of-the-way cafes, being outside eating and talking, or having wine and talking, or coffee and talking – it just reeks of romance).
We began to talk about what I refer to (in my head) as the ‘quandary’: that of relationship and that of marriage.
I have never in my entire life been big on marriage. I think this perhaps comes from the fact that I knew my parents’ marriage was terrible in many ways. It’s not that I didn’t think my dad loved my mom – quite the contrary. It’s that he could not stay faithful to my mom. Even this gets complex for you see living with my mother was like living with a saint and who the feck can live with a saint? Not an Irish man known for his looks, charms and flirtatious capacity. So he had an affair (possibly more than one). (For all I know I might have another sibling somewhere.) So I grew up sort of suspicious of marriage. The institution NOT the idea of it. I just felt that we were simply setting ourselves up for failure – in many ways I still feel this.
Let’s look at this shall we.
Man & Woman, court, fall in love (supposedly), and get married. (I am not even going to go to the place where I talk about the ridiculousness of a lot of ‘weddings’ and all the stress THAT puts on a burgeoning new relationship – here’s a clue kids: ELOPE!) Pretty soon (according to God’s plan or your respective mother-in-laws) you have kids.
STOP!
Alright now we have thrown a tiny new person in the mix (who BTW didn’t ask to be here), and you guys still haven’t gotten to really and truly know each other (unless that is your ‘courtship’ lasted like a good 3-5 years.) So we have a woman who is for the most part the primary nurturer for the baby. (And please do not give me shit about this if you are a man I KNOW there are men out there who help – but ultimately a lot of times the woman is still spending most of the time with the kids while the man earns the dough for the castle). So she’s either with the kids all day or she works and takes care of the kids, the house, the meals, and on top of that her husband wants sex. Holy crap who set up this dynamic?
Meanwhile, the man is busy, busy, busy. He is expected to support a wife and kid(s), make the majority of the money, be under an insane amount or pressure at work, have his wife nag at him cause she can’t get shit done and she wants his help AND he’s getting nothing in the way of regular sex. I have not even begun to mention the ‘madonna/whore’ complex where men can’t seem to wrap their heads around their wives being sexual creature once they’ve given birth to ‘their’ children.
Enter ‘attractive’ people of the opposite sex who are willing to pay attention to that neglected libido on both sides of the fence. 'Other people' who are not fettered by the 'drag' of being with a 'ball and chain' and who seem way more exciting and sexy than your husband who is sitting in front of the ball game burping, drinking beer and scratching his ass, or your wife who is simply put, 'the bitch royale'.
TADA!
I don’t wonder why people have affairs. I wonder why it’s not written into most marriage ‘contracts’.
Look I understand the ‘faithful’ thing I really do; and I am not suggesting it’s not a good thing and that people should not strive for it and be loyal to the person they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. However, with all the pressures of our lives, all the stress that we at times ‘voluntarily’ put ourselves under, all the dysfunction in the family of origin, all the temptation that comes in too many forms to even begin to list – is it any wonder people fall prey to their innermost desires? I don’t think so and I think part of the problem is our attitude about the whole thing.
I was once told by someone much older than me at that time about how French men deal with their wives’ lovers. A French man gets home early in the afternoon. He walks into the bedroom where he finds his wife and her lover engaging in sex. He apologises, excuses himself and leaves. He probably then goes off to see his own mistress.
That’s it!
Now while I can not vouch for the veracity of this, I can tell you that from my own personal experience and knowledge, having lovers, mistresses in Europe is considered de rigeur. It is understood. They don’t get all bent out of shape about it – well I am sure some people do – but a lot of women for centuries have understood that men simply want their cake and eat it too. They are content as long as they are taken care of, that their children are taken care of and that things in the household stays relatively stable.
Here in the ‘States’ we’ve adopted this attitude of morality that seems to dictate that having affairs is unacceptable (although it happens in epidemic proportions), we look down our noses at sex in general (like it’s not suppose to be enjoyed or even had unless it is for the sole purpose of procreation – yet there’s porn everywhere {YA THINK?}) and we believe that this creates happy people and stable relationships.
Well kids, I got news for you, it doesn’t. Oh sure, there are couples out there who when they said ‘till death do us part’ meant it (and they weren’t planning on killing their spouse to get out of their vows).
If we truly as humans did not need something ‘on the side’ they why does there exist prostitution? It’s the oldest profession and the second oldest is a guy begging for it.
And I don’t mean to be crass. I don’t mean to come across as jaded. To me taking a lover is something I put a lot of thought into. I am not going to give my body and my love to just anyone. I don’t even necessarily think I NEED more that one lover in my life at a time. But if we are ‘dating’ as termed in the modern vernacular – these days doesn’t that mean being in bed with more than one person? (Not me – but I am certain I’ve been on dates with guys who are already bedding someone else.) Isn’t this ‘accepted’ – this ‘playing the field’? So what changes just because you say ‘I DO’?
Is it totally incomprehensible that you could fall in love with more than one person? Is that also therefore unacceptable? Some of the greatest art, literature and music has come out of people falling in love with someone *besides* the one they are tied to ‘legally’ or obligated to be with. Perhaps therein lies the rub – if we feel ‘obligated’ or somehow duty-bound it seems to impact romance in a way. It’s kind of hard to be in love with someone if you feel you HAVE to be in love with them.
The idea of having romance in your life is exciting. Having a lover that you can meet ‘secretly’ is exciting; having someone who thinks you are ‘sexy’ who pay attention to you is exiting. What isn’t ‘exciting’ is day-to-day doldrums, cleaning the house, making mortgage payments, deciding where to go for the holidays, taking care of sick kids/spouses.
In the end, we have to decide what we want; to be constantly excited or to be in a stable monogamous relationship that every now and then needs some spicing up.
It’s a difficult decision for most of us to make and all I can say is listen to you gut and your heart, try not to beat yourself up too much and remember you (and your lover/spouse) are only human – and by that I don’t mean to negate the marvel of us being just that – very human indeed.
Scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream
