Darkness, darkness....

Darkness, Darkness,
be my pillow,
Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow,
In the silence of your deep

Darkness, darkness,
hide my yearning,
For the things I cannot see
Keep my mind from constant turning,
To the things I cannot be

Darkness, darkness,
be my blanket,
cover me with the endless night
ake away the pain of knowing,
fill the emptiness with light

Darkness, darkness,
long and lonesome,
Is the day that brings me here
I have felt the edge of sadness,
I have known the depths of fear

Darkness, darkness, be my blanket,
Cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing,
Fill this emptiness with light now

Darkness, darkness,
be my blanket,
cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing,
fill this emptiness with light now

Darkness, Darkness,
be my pillow,
Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow,
In the silence of your deep
In the silence of your deep


Written by:  Jesse Colin Young

How much does the heart weigh?

My heart is so heavy today.  I don't think it should be light...but I am so tired of being so sad.

Today is the appointment with my attorney. 

I have never in my entire life despised two people the way I despise that girl and my husband.  Never.

THAT GIRL has - I have said before -  gone on to ruin another marriage.  Recently I got the details on that.  My heart breaks for the other married woman.  This man is 33 years old, he has 3 young children and he is now living with this 19 year old girl.  From what I can gather he loves her - I don't know if this love, (as my husband's did for this girl), borders on obsession.  I think this man claims he needs her and she needs him.  (Yea buddy I believe the word you are looking for is 'use').  Perhaps it is the real thing - but who cares.  (I do in a way). Why? You might ask - perhaps I can liken it to the Neil Young song - the one about 'the needle and the damage done' look at all the damage this girl's 'adventures' have caused.  She is like a drug.
I wish I could end this path of destruction.

I have found out that as recently as last week my husband WAS STILL  trying to be with/in contact with -  this young woman.  I of course have had it and nothing is going to change my mind anymore.  I am not confused anymore.

When I was her age - I believed in 'free love' as well, a throw back from the hippie days.  I would like to say I can be compassionate and understand that sometimes love happens - when we least expect.  There are times when we can't control our feelings inside.  And that I could understand that.  I could be the type of person who could understand marital affairs and forgive them.  But even when I was her age, it would have absolutely creeped me out to be with a married man.  In fact I was hanging with a girl at the time who helped to break up a family (I did not say happy family - for they weren't) - it was still one of the ugliest things I ever witnessed at the age of 18.  It was horrible.  While I did have compassion for their love, I cast the husband as the 'bad guy who should have known better' - and I believe he should have. I believe my friend should have too - coming from a broken home herself. 

I believe my husband should have known better (and I believe he does know better whether he admits it or not) - and I believe this new husband should know better - but again not having all the facts I can't know what his specific information is. 

This young woman definitely knows better - but does not care.   It all becomes a matter of control or discipline or regard for other's situations despite your own wants.  You might really have the 'hots' for that 33-year old married man - but is it worth breaking up his family?  Is it really?  Aren't there any 23-26-year old unmarried men you can 'play' with my dear?

I don't know what happened to that part of me that figured that humans are humans and make mistakes and it's ok.  I have not suddenly turned Repubican or Right-wing or anti smut, or anti gay/lesbian marriages.  I guess when you become part of the 'walking wounded' you begin to get a bit angry.  Angry at people's constant need to check out the 'greener grass' on the other side of the fence; their constant pursuit of instant gratification; their disregard for things like loyalty, trust, fidelity; their constant desire-chasing, think-with-their-penis model that ALWAYS leads to suffering - because desire always leads to suffering - always. 

And I want to be around one of these days, 5-10-15 years from now when that once so-in-love-with-you 19-year-old has moved on - leaving you alone with an ex-wife and kids who won't talk to you - or with kids that will be scarred for life - then I want to ask you two questions:

Was it worth it? and,

Are you happy now?

Not meant to be

And so...
Quietly I sought to leave
A whisper, almost, not quite heard
Yet it can't be that way
It has to be a cacophany
Blasting, loud, hurtful
Not a fitting end

 
I can see him - (your sickness)
dressed in a cheap suit
smiling with that
used car salesman grin
beconing to me, trying to
peddle all this junque
But I'm not buying it
Not anymore

Why can't we just let go
let each other live, breath, flow
try to be brave, just try
for once, at least
for each's other's sake
Not to do this

Can you hear me?
Above the din you're making?
You can't seem to listen, or
You just don't want to
You won't accept that we are
Not those people anymore

I see you now
the shell of the man
I used to know,
I used to love
I can't help you
I can't go with you
It's just
Not meant to be

Philosophy

I have begun a correspondence with someone on the Internet (I actually have a couple that are on-going) - but this person and I seem to be able to readily share our thoughts and feelings and when he writes to me - something in me 'vibrates' at the same frequency and I thought I would post part of the last letter I sent to him.  (By the way for those of you out there 'worried' about the internet 'dating' thing - we have not met - we are not dating and I am not even sure that's going to transpire =) It's all just about being Colette!

 
***********************************************************************************
Sometimes I wonder (especially lately) if *I* am ever meant to have a deep connection with anyone.  With as many failed, miserable relationships as I have behind me I just don't know.  This last one has rocked me to my core so hard that I have decided to go see someone to talk about things. I believe counseling can be a wonderful tool when people get 'stuck' as it were - and right now I am feeling pretty 'stuck'

Love is so hard sometimes - I think what happens is that men and women have two different and at times very opposing views on such matters.  And for the record I hate the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' crap.  To me all he is doing is teaching men to give women lip service and that's not what we want.

And so there's all this confusion and ego and pain and libido clouding the true issues at heart.  (LOL no pun intended).  The bottom line for me ends up being.  Can I be comfortable with him?  Can I relax with him?  Can I be *ME* with him.  Will he be able to adapt when I change or will he resent it or punish me or just not get it - and will I be able to do the same for him?  More and more I find sadly the answers end up being no.  And ultimately there is no one to blame.  Just life. 

Wasn't there a line from "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Marquez (in fact the first line) about the smell of almonds always reminding him of unrequited love? (*sigh* I have to go back it's been too long since I've read it).  But on and on through our lives it's always that wistfulness in the backs of our hearts.  Or, simply,'the one that got away' - and that's a hard one to deal with.  And then the blame game enters into it and we find ourselves focused once again on the wrong things.

There is a saying that one of my favourite teachers passed on to us students:  "you are exactly where you need to be right now"  - c'mon say it with me *smile* - I am not trying to be flippant here - and I can't tell you how much that phrase has helped me recently.
I don't want to look back on things with regret.  I want to move forward with passion, with love, with joy, with clarity of mind (easier said than done) - I don't wake up every morning and wonder "Gee is today it?" because I think by doing that you set yourself up for today definitely NOT being 'it' - I think it's better to just breath it all in and then let it go - not so much to be on autopilot but not to fight it either.  I hope I am making sense.

Lately the whirlwind that I am dealing with (especially the crap my soon-to-be ex is throwing at me right now) has a tendency to suck my soul dry.  It's just so emotional and so draining.  Sometimes just being able to read an e-mail from you with your opening up to me and spilling your thoughts and feelings onto this blank page helps me so much.  For it is that which I cling to, hopeful, tremulous, timid, breathless and a tiny bit hesitant telling myself: "Maybe THIS is it" - just in a tiny little voice - barely audible even to myself.  It's that niggling doubt, that fearfulness that lashes me to the mast of my own ship as it sinks and seems to paralyze me and not let me move forward.  Not let me make that leap of faith.  Because that's what love is - isn't it?  A leap of faith, a headlong jump into the unknown.  I just can't figure out anymore if it's suppose to be chemical or cerebral.  I DO know that in order for someone (at least in the past) to win my heart - it had to be more than 'Me Tarzan, You Jane' - there had to be an intelligence, a wit, a spark (but more than mere spark - a fire), a subtlety to balance the spark....although sometimes now I wonder if maybe I should stick with the caveman crap.

We are by nature, in many ways, physical creatures - but that fades and then it becomes waking up in the morning and wondering "What am I doing with this person asleep next to me?" - and is that answer a wondrous, glorious affirmation of love, tenderness, of true knowing - or - the keen awareness that you don't know and you aren't sure and perhaps it's time to run for cover? So the meaning of our lives ends up being which answer do you have in your life right now.  Or ,which one do you want to have or even, are you too afraid to ever get to that point.  It's all how we behave at the feast.  We are all so inundated with how our lives should be, could be.  With keeping up with the Jones' because they are better somehow or have more orgasms.  With how our partner should look, should think, act, feel.  It's all so damned confusing and so confounding and it so hard to sift through the bullshit.

And me - I am always wanting to cut through to find that real 'meaning' because I know it's there somewhere - but perhaps I am kidding myself.  I just like the sound of my own thoughts reverberating in my brain.  All I know, ultimately, is that it is bone-weary to be lonely all the time and yet...I think that even though I don't want to come from a fear-based model - right now, I am scared to death.

Again I hope I am making some sense and I hope I am not rambling too much.  I hope you don't think me crazy or scattered - I too am just testing the waters here.  I feel new and bare and unsure most times - I will tell you that this is the most I have written to anyone as far as this 'on line' thing goes - you somehow manage to bring it out in me (thanks!)

Newsflash: The universe responds favourably to end of Colette's marriage

Indeed.
 
I want to use Dr. King's words (as he quoted from the old Negro spiritual): "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last."
 
We are all free.  Every living being.  Perhaps you are living chained to a wall somewwhere (if that's the case I doubt you are reading this).   Remember, ultimately they can't take your soul.
 
I forgot the basic tenants that I once used to live by.  Control is an illusion.  Ultimately we have no control.  Not over the things that happen to us.  We can control our  own actions and reactions.  But we can't control what others do.  We can't control nature.
 
That's where I made my big mistake.  I thought I could control him.  Control our relationship.  Change him (as a lot  of women feel that they can change their men - ladies give it a rest) - of course all along thinking I could help him change for the better.  I am/was/always seem to be such a fool.
 
None of this ultimately matters.  What he does is what he does.  Yes he hurt me.  Not to the point where I no longer can recognize me - I am still in here somewhere and every day I feel a little better, a little stronger.  I want to take this mantle of hurt and anger that I have been carrying around with me and loosen it from my shoulders.  This crown of thorns removed so I can think straight again.  I want to be naked and walk in the cool grass and feel the sun on me again. I want to feel the soft rain pelt my skin, mingle with my tears and wash me clean.
 
I am however, going to be angry, hurt and sad for a while.  I might, every time I reflect on this relationship feel a tug at my heart, a wistfullness, a sadness, a bittersweet remembrance of what was and what could never be.
 
Our love used to emcompass all the colours in the rainbow.  I used to always think - we will make it, we love each other.  I truly can't say that about any other relationship I've had with any other man. 
 
There is a part of me that I don't think will ever let go of him, I don't relish the idea of letting him have that kind of control  But there are somethings that happen in your life, some people that you never let pass.  That, I think, is the key to enlightenment and why, my dear friends we have not met a great Buddha or a great Christ lately - besides there is a saying 'If you find the Buddha on the road, kill him'.  Too many of us hang on, hold on, scared, scarred, desperately trying to find our footing, searching for that one thing, that one person that will make us whole.  We hold onto things/material wealth, people, work, giving so much of our own power away.  If only we would realise that this is a slippery slope and there are no promises, no guarantees in life.  Vows are just words we make up to bond ourselves to goals we set forth, goals we may never achieve - and if we do, what then?  We may leave behind a legacy perhaps, but in time legacies die out.  Even if we sell our souls to the devil - I am sure a good lawyer and plenty of money could get us out of it in time.
 
Today was my uncle's funeral/wake.  I was not particularly close to this man - but still I loved him and respected him.  He was the husband of my father's sister.  He was a solitary Italian man who married into a throng of Irish catholics.  He never lost his sense of humour.  He was an honorable man.  His death, his passing only serves to remind me of the impermanence of life, and that the love that was felt for him will go on until my aunt joins him in her eternal rest - even then, their children will keep that love in their hearts and minds.  I once told a cousin of mine, after her mother died suddenly, that we don't lose the people we love all at once, we lose them in bits and pieces over a long period of time.  I can't remember what my mother's voice sounded like now, or her laughter, somedays, I can't remember her face...that makes me, at times, inconsolably sad, but then I realise I am a living breathing part of her and I will always carry her with me - as will my children and their children etc.  Infinity can be a wondrous thing.
 
So this marriage is over as I knew it.  It's not coming back.  And I will go on and over time, little by little I will lose him, his voice, his eyes, his smile and his laughter.  He will always hold a special place in my heart and mind.  He will never have my soul. 

Revelations

So I just went to another counseling session. I am still really happy with this counselor. Our first couple of sessions, we worked on 'intake' stuff, family history, she is very good at being thorough in a short amount of time. This was the first time we got some of the real issues out in the open about my failing marriage.

I have had a long time to think about things. I hate having pre-conceived notions - even in counseling. I told this woman that I just could not accept what my husband was telling me - in fact I feel that he lies so much that maybe I should try and find out his real identity. Perhaps he's lying about who he REALLY is - and in a lot of ways HE IS lying about that. I talked about the 18 year old girl, the myriad of women on the Internet, and the men too. I told her I did not even know if I was sure of my husband's sexual orientation and that I felt I had a right to know about ALL of this stuff. And I do I know I have a right to this knowledge! When you take a vow to be with someone you have a right to know what they are doing - especially if it can be harmful (physically, emotionally) to you. But of course if they are not willing to share such things....

I told her that my husband was trying to blame his 'sickness' for all of this but of course since I don't know what his sickness is or how it manifests itself, I don't know if it's truly being treated. I explained that he went off of his meds without telling me and that he blamed that as well for his actions. He also blamed me for treating him like he was not important because I was too busy studying Yoga or taking care of my kids to make time for him.

She let me go on for a while and then she introduced me to the notion that my husband had addiction problems. She began to tick off traits and scenarios and resistance to being responsible and for all intents and purposes, without ever having met my husband, she began describing his behaviour to a T.

I was reeling - she made me also see how my family history played a role in what was happening in my own marriage (I always knew it had but this time it was more than just an inkling - this actually felt like a slap in the face) - after explaining things and giving me data for a while and actually making useful suggestions on what to do next - she asked me how I felt. I actually felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I burst into tears. I only had 5 minutes left of this session and I was crying like a baby. Oh Goddess help me...

I know I need this. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He won't buy into any of this. Not a single word, not a single idea - he does not have a single clue, he can't even buy a clue. He probably never will. I have to get to the point where that is ok with me. Loving detachment. Hard, so very hard. I begin to tell myself I can't love him any more because it hurts too much to love someone like him. I just can't...

She suggested going to an Al-Anon meeting. However since his problem more specifically seems to deal with being out of control with his sexual impulses - I need to hunt down an
S-ANON meeting. I have. He is not just addicted to sex, he is addicted to things that keep him from facing his reality, his problems, his issues. The problem is that being addicted to sex and having those impulses be out of control is really dangerous (not that alcoholism/drugs isn't). My dad was an alcoholic, he cheated on my mom, his alcohol did not help put her in an early grave per se, but his breaking her heart by cheating on her did (I am sure the drinking played a role in all of it). Today though, there's AIDs, STDs - I don't want to die. I mean if he drinks that's not ME drinking - but if he's having sex with others behind my back then ultimately *I* am having sex with those people too. If he were on alcohol - I don't know somehow I feel more able to 'deal' with that (don't ask me why) - this somehow feels more 'manageable' to me.

And now comes the time for me to question these things. I agree with what she is suggesting - unfortunately she began by saying her specialty is handling people dealing with addictions and their loved ones (Was that an advertisement?) Here's my problem, sex is something that guys like, right? (Women too but guys seem to have more urges than we do). How is he suppose to stop being addicted to that? I know it's the inappropriateness of what he does - his lack of control that's out of whack here - but still. It's not like alcohol. Addiction, is addiction, is addiction. I suppose sex can be as dangerous and heady a substance as heroin (especially sex with an 18 year old girl). It's just that sex is so integral to a lot of relationships. It's very hard for me (yet again) to try to wrap my mind around this - perhaps a meeting will help, and I plan to go to one (I was told to go to at least 6 meetings). I guess I am just feeling that when he went off of his meds, couldn't this have just caused him to go out of control? Does it really mean he's an addict. See I always viewed it as him being manic-depressive and not being on the right meds for it...but this is a horse of a different colour. Totally.

I am familiar with the 12-steps. I like the program - it does work. I guess part of the key here is his blaming everyone and everything but himself for his own actions, his living in denial, his constant lies. I mean my counselor gave me closure because without saying it SHE basically made me see that yes indeed he DID have sex with that girl (and probably a lot of other things I don't even want to think about with who knows who) - and so where does that leave me? Right now I am feeling sick to my stomach (I thought I was past that feeling).

She told me not to make ANY decision now. To NOT file divorce papers because I am so confused and hurt right now. She told me that people DO save their marriages when they have these issues. I just don't see how.

I am signing off as lost tonight. Say some prayers for me. Say some prayers for him. Say some prayers for all of the people in the world that are suffering in one form or another from this disease. Pray for a cure.

Boom I got your boyfriend/girlfriend whatever the hell I am!

Ok so I went to finally meet HIM the ex-boyfriend of my arch nemesis...we had been talking back and forth and finally decided to go have a cup of coffee.

I can totally understand what she saw in him. What a fool she was to treat him the way she did. He was bright, cute, articulate - he's actually genius material. He is very soft-spoken. Underneath it all he seems hurt. He is still madly in love with her as well. But she is now busy ruining another marriage and this time there are small children involved.

This woman can cast a spell better than most wiccans I know. It's sad.

It was a nice meeting and we talked about a lot of things before we began comparing notes. And the only reason I am commenting on this at all is because he basically confirmed that they had to have slept together (no this still does not give me any closure) and, for the incident I am about to disclose.

Around the x-mas holidays, that weekend, I went to go see my husband at his new apartment we were going to do brunch and talk about 'things' - he would not let me in - WHY? Because the little bitch had spent the night...so at any rate I was fuming and since I had her home phone number I called her home and told her room-mate to have her call me - that's right have her call the WIFE - I said...at any rate it was a moment of anger - what can I say I wanted to kill them both. She's lucky I did not get to meet her at that point.

Well apparently, she ended up calling up her boyfriend (this innocent young man) and telling him that she was having problems with me (now mind you he knew of my existence at that time but I did not know of him - and he only knew me as the "girlfriend" - because of course my husband was relaying to all these people - well mainly to her, (but my friend Auterrific can attest to the fact that he was calling me his ex-wife when we were still not only living together but in fact MARRIED), that I was his girlfriend not his wife!?!?!?!? (Big surprise my husband lying like that). So at any rate - this bitch tells her boyfriend who of course does not know she is sleeping with MY HUSBAND - that her friend's (my husband)- that his girlfriend is harrasing her because "she has gone off the deep end and now thinks she is his wife". Read that phrase again kids. I (Colette) had gone off the deep end thinking I was my husband's wife.

After I picked my jaw up off the table in the coffee shop, I asked him if he wanted me to produce a copy of our marriage license. He laughed, I laughed, nice crazy moment between two innocent victims. Just amazing. And you know what? I want a book deal now because I mean not even Jerry Springer can top this shit. It's laughable. It's nutty. Welcome to my world.

A comment for a comment (no it's not an eye for an eye!)

I wanted to answer a comment that was made on my post about fodder for the blog and on-line dating:

"Don't you think that perusing online matchmaking websites is the last resort of the very desperate? Have a little more faith in yourself; you don't sound like the type who needs to fall back on the methods employed by hokey, loser men who can't get a date in person so have to use subterfuge like this. Imagine writing 'I elicit warm smiles wherever I go' about yourself. Icky. Spare yourself.
Ariel | 07.02.04 - 11:18 am"

Ariel (love the name! Is that your real name or a nickname? It's beautiful) - I would have written you personally but you left no e-mail for me to do so (these days that's probably the safest thing to do *wink*) I agree with some of what you said, and I want to thank you for being so very complimentary of me by saying I don't seem the 'type who needs to fall back on' such methods but, for all you know, I might resemble the bride of Frankenstein Indeed what that person wrote was 'icky'! You should see some of the really 'icky' stuff out there.

I do believe I mentioned that I am not currently dating right now. I AM guilty as charged of perusing. What I am trying to do is illustrate how difficult it is and how weird it is out here. And, when you lead as busy a life as I do, it can be very hard to meet people. I don't like bars, I could use my Yoga class (not the ones I teach, because that's unethical) - but the ones I find time to attend - unfortunately, the idea of using yoga class as a pick up joint does not appeal to me much.

I do have friends and they have all 'paired off' as it were - and even the idea of being 'fixed up' by them isn't very appealing - unless someone out there knows of a really good Yentl in my area??? And yes I get invited to functions and parties, like weddings where I often feel like the poster-child for what not to do in a marriage. I do keep accepting invitations from my friends - at least it gets me out of the house.

Furthermore, not every man out there using the personals is 'hokey' or a 'loser' as you put it - some of them are just as busy, professionals, as I am with young kids even - that does not make them bad or desperate - and, it does not by extension make me desperate either - just really busy at times. Perhaps at one time it was considered an act of desperation but not these days...

So let's just say for the sake of argument, playing devil's advocate here, that it's hard to meet people. I am interested in meeting men, but I am just commenting, (and this is what I do on this blog),as to how difficult it is out here. For some reason, I can't seem to just find a person of the male persuasion to go have a nice cup of tea and a conversation with who does not believe in that 'secret' 3rd or 4th date rule (and by Goddess it really does exist!) - I am just not ready to let someone jump my bones yet. Frankly, unless it starts 'raining men, Halleluia' to quote a famous diva - the chance of me meeting interesting, well-read, stable, self-supporting, NICE man dwindles as time goes on. It's hard being 40-something and trying to date again. A lot of them are looking for Bambi (seriously).

The point is ultimately, (and,I have said this), I need to go slowly, take my time. I need to not be so quick to try to replace the last asshole. Who knows - pehaps I will meet someone at work, or in the local supermarket - I kind of doubt it but hope does tend to spring eternal in my breast.

I DO want everyone out there to keep writing - it does help me - if for nothing more than the comfort that you are out there and listening. Feel free to leave your advice, your chastisements, your comments, your whatever - because where would I be without all of you in my corner?

Thanks Ariel, your comments are well taken. I hope you visit again and I hope you will maybe e-mail me as well.

As ever,
Colette

Will wonders never cease

I really don't want to start this post like that famous Monty Python Skit "When we were young, we lived in a cardboard box and ate hot gravel..."; but the internet amazes me - it truly does - when it's not causing marriages to disintegrate, it's a really cool place to play and something that I would have never thought possible when I was a little girl, gowing up in a small town in Pennsylvania.

Now, if you look at my sidebar you can see when I am online and most times you probably won't seem me online - but you never know...you should check sometime. At any rate, now I've added a chat button so if you want you can chat with me anytime....just click the button and if I am out here I will chat with you and if not, leave me a msg. How cool is that? (Everyone at this point is rolling their eyes and thinking my God that woman is such a friggin' simpleton) *laugh*

It's just so incredible that the world has become a smaller place because of the internet and that people I would have never met I can now talk to everyday if I choose.

I hope wonders never do cease for any of us.

Fodder for the blog but not like you would think....well perhaps

I have not, as I said before, really been dating. Every now and then I still look - just to see if anyone catches my eye. It's hard because what happens as you get older is that you become picky (translated - I find myself making unfair leaps in judgement about people - it borders on cruelty) - I am ashamed of this - but man it can be really funny stuff.

OK so here's a personal ad that I stumbled across - I liked the 'look' of this guy but then I read his profile - first of all, it took him until he was 13 years old to learn how to think for himself?? Then, he claims he is 'active' but when you read the things he does - well um I don't consider this stuff all that 'active' - that is unless someone can tell me if you can really work up that much of a sweat playing Ping-Pong???

The other thing is that this guy takes himself WAY too seriously - I mean is he literally 'always causing a warm smile' to appear on the faces of his co-workers - or does he just think he is doing that? I don't mean to pick these people apart like this but I am trying to illustrate the level of frustration that I experience as I am thrust into the dating world. I want to find someone who is intellectual and spiritual but without a big sign that reads 'I am intellectual and spiritual' - this stuff just gets under your skin after a while.

Aren't there any fairly normal, smarter-that-the-average-bear - people to date anymore?

***********************************************************
I know what I am. It is the what that makes the who. From the time I was able to think for myself, about 13, I have thought deeply about the meaning of life. I'm not a person to accept platidudenal statements as words are not as important as the meaning behind them and hence, how you live them. I listen for that. So here are a couple simple statements. Goodness is life. The only true knowledge is that which an individual seeks for themselves inside themselves. Hence, I am looking for my mate who takes this every bit as seriously as I do. Then we have something to share with each other. I cannot be another's mind or heart for them nor is that at all pleasing to me. I am looking for that special woman of insight and spiritual depth whose strength I will recognize. My life reflects the strength I possess. At work I am always causing a warm smile or a laugh. I love being active. Ping Pong, walking in the park, but also playing chess, writing and reading. My life is...full: rich in thought and feeling. There are not many who could match it.