Cause sometimes it's just this way...

"Little Earthquakes"

Yellow bird flying gets shot in the wing
Good year for hunters and christmas parties
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate elevator music
The way we fight
The way Im left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings never afraid to burn
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

I cant reach you
I cant reach you

Give me life, give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

-- 'Little Earthquakes' - Tori Amos

Cat scratch fever...

Yeah dear little princess....

OUCH!

So much for wearing a low cut top - not that I shouldn't be trying to be more demure...

Paleo-Future

Paleo-Future: A look into the future that never was

Very cool - via the even cooler C2

It's blog of the week.

Just so there is no confusion

You know I have to laugh at the lack of people's recognition that we are entitled to something called free will.

That just because in their little feeble minds there exists no 'thinking outside the box' (namely the box we name 'religion') does not mean that other people are bound by their limited imaginations not to mention their ignorance.

I want to make it clear that I DO enjoy going to Church - that for all intents and purposes I feel I AM acting like a Christian - and that the denomination I currently hold is the one I've held since birth and that is Catholic. Further your idea of what is Catholic and mine are probably different - and for the record their are priests, bishops, and even cardinals who disagree with the Pope AND certain doctrines - but hey you can look it up if it so suits you....whatever.

I am tired of tyring to make people understand my complex beliefs and I officially give up. I'd like to say that for the record if you did a poll you would find probably a good 70-80% of most people question their religious doctrine at any given time - and that your 'idea' of what constitutes a good Catholic or a good Christian is nothing more than YOUR opinion which YOU are indeed entitled to.

That being said - I am going to run a piece I wrote a long time ago....that kind of sums up how I feel religious practice should be in a perfect world....again my opinion - but like I said put it in you opium pipe of the masses and smoke it for all it's worth...

Blessings
Colette

********

Once upon a time...


When my relationship with my ex was happy - BEFORE we were married; we used to do a little writing together. We put together a 'Zine' called: "Afternoon at the Bijou". It was a nice publication and I kind of miss doing stuff like that and at the time - we seemed to work well together.

I used to do a 'spirituality' column, writing under the name of Rhiannon (taken from my affinity with the Celts and the Goddess specifically).

In the last 'issue', my column was about the 'Church' and by 'Church' I mean an organized religion - usually a place where there are rules and regulations and dues to be paid (if you will).

So here is my article from back then (with a little (minimal) editing - spelling errors etc.) After this last posting of mine about the refusal to run the ads welcoming Gays to the church - I thought it deserved another run. I think it pretty adequately sums up my feelings for places where the word 'tolerance' can't be found in the 'Prayer Book' or Hymnal...

***********************************************************************************

"Through the Looking Glass"


I saw an interesting ad recently in one of the alternative press runs that Cleveland has to offer. It was one of those box ads on the last page and the advertisement was aimed at people "Who hate church but love God". I found this ad to be a bit disconcerting. (I am glad the person placed the ad and I am not offended by the ad at itself). It simply made me wonder about my own experience. I mean is that why I left the church? Because I hated church? I eventually had to admit it was not the 'church' I hated. It was the image of God that church was trying to 'sell' me.

Church in and of itself was nice. I was nice being able to go socialize with people after mass on Sunday; it was nice to go into a place where they lit candles and burned frankincense, with stained glass windows and organ music.

I left because I could no longer deal with the hypocrisy. I left because the promise was fading and more often than not, I was left feeling empty and sad. I left because I was sick and tired of hearing them ask for money instead of nurturing my budding soul. I left because I did not feel that women were treated with the same respect as men.

I'd like to think that there is a church out there with walls and windows and a roof that acts the way a church should act. Acts as a haven from the world, as a place where we put aside our differences and treat one another with love and respect. As a place where even the poorest of the poor help people in need. A church where people aren't expected to empty their pockets blindly, but willingly - and if they have no money to offer, they offer their services/help instead.

I hope and pray that there is a church out there where 'Christian sensibility' has not been replaced by uptight morality; where all ideas are given credence - and even the young have a say. Where women are allowed to officiate without fear of ostracism. A progressive church that is active in its community without being judgmental. A church where love and honor between consenting adults is not a sin - even if those adults are of the same sex. And if those adults wish to be married in a religious ceremony - I pray for a church that would welcome them.

A priest once told me that God is not bound by the laws of man, nor is he bound by man's words. Now that I am older, I would like to ask that nice man why exactly he thought those laws offered up by his church were the 'only' ones that had to be followed. I tried to be good and listen to the teachings being offered to me, it is just that they did not seem to make sense to me and still do not today. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I expect to have my cake and eat it too. I am not looking for an easy way out of a moral dilemma. I am looking for a well-balanced medium.

Any religious person attending a church, or even a minister would perhaps tell me that man/woman is sinful and that we need a church to enforce God's 'rules'. Perhaps we do. However, I do believe there is a story in the Bible that refers to Jesus treating a common whore with great respect. I am left wondering what would happen if a prostitute wandered into a church on a Sunday morning, dressed, as it were in the uniform of the street. Would she be treated the way Mary Magdalene was treated by Jesus? Or would there be an outcry and the sinner asked to remove herself?

I am not knocking any particular church. If you know of a church out there which fits my wish list, please call me or write to me because I would love to attend. But for now I think I will simply worship at my private altar or around my table with my friends and loved ones and share in the communion we create amongst ourselves. You are welcome to join us if you like. We promise not to brain-wash you or ask you for money. We do promise to make your think - that is if you are up for some thinking. Maybe that is part of the problem here - the general complacency of the population. Perhaps we like our theology spoon fed to us by people who deem themselves 'holy' and righteous.

I know my Catholic ancestors are rolling in their graves, but *I* am happy this way. If however I prove to be wrong in the face of St. Peter at the gates of heaven, well the hopefully the God *they* taught me about won't be holding a grudge.

Bright blessings!

Sick...

I am sick and tired. Dragging ass today.

Sick of people’s fragile sense of ego – I mean people are, simply put, bat shit. What else is new – is it a day that ends in ‘Y’ – sorry *grumbles*

From jilted boyfriends to lunatic ‘pretend’ internet friends – I’ve had it...

I am tired – tired from wrestling with issues that matter but never seem to come to any sense of resolution – there’s no clarity going on here and forecast calls for more cloudiness.

WTF?

I am angry in so many ways about so many things I could spit. Literally.

I am tired of asking for things in my life and not getting them. And I am tired of getting things I don’t want or need – tired of things getting dumped on me…

Just tired…incredibly so…

Multitasking Will Make Your Brain Explode

Multitasking Will Make Your Brain Explode

Duh!

I have been saying this for years...

'Focus grasshopper'

"Just because I'm talking - doesn't mean we're friends"

OK – you don’t deserve my time nor my consideration but here goes

I could take a poll but I am going to let the facts speak for themselves.

You ARE harassing someone when:

They have told you to stop writing to them and yet you continue to do so

I consider the word writing to include and not be limited to:

Email and putting stuff on my blog – both of which you did AFTER I told you to cease and desist – do you know what the term 'cease and desist' means? Do you need someone to buy you a dictionary?

#2 You ARE harassing someone when:

You write unsolicited letters to THEIR family members and THEIR FUCKING EX HUSBANDS (?!?!?!?!?!?!?) to give those people AGAIN your unsolicited opinion...

For the record no one and I mean NO ONE gives a flying fuck about your opinion of MY fiancé...LOL – LEAST of all my ex husband who thinks you are nuts, BTW – as does everyone else I have mentioned this to. Where do you get off? What gives you the right to do this? Who the hell asked you for your opinion? Um no one – there’s an old saying: When I want your opinion, I’LL ASK YOU FOR IT – I don’t recall asking...

Even if I AM making a mistake with my love life, it is NONE of your business – even my friends don’t say things unless *I* ask them and I DO ask my friends – but they are my close friends, my family. Even still – if again I AM making a mistake since I am a BIG girl isn’t the onus of the responsibility on me to figure out my life? I have been through hell and back – it’s my problem - so if indded *I* choose to visit that again it’s on me. I will deal with it.

You have been vicious to my fiancé – did you not expect me to go to his defense? You called him names in front of a group of people all because he disagreed with you AND had the balls to say so. He never got vicious back with you. You called me a stupid bitch, you told me that you would be laughing when my relationship fell apart. Yet to my daughter, to my ex husband you claim you and I were close – that we were friends – well my friends don’t call me names. They don’t wish ill on me like that – with friends like that – who the hell needs enemies?

Were you and I close? At one time – sure we were – sure I asked you about moving to Ohio – I believe that was because you were having a hard time getting work where you live – gee I am wondering if that could have something to do with your constantly being on the internet, harassing people on their blogs, and causing problems all around – do you have a life? I see no evidence of one.

I got vicious my dear because you got vicious with me, with the man I love. I got vicious because you seemed completely out of line in your attacks (not to mention, pardon me, but a bit obsessive and jealous). As my ex husband said to me (oh yeah did you think these people would not contact me about your writing to them? Just how stupid are you?) – who the hell writes such things – like about your not being romantically interested in me cause you were too young – need I remind you of what you wrote and continually said to me about wanting to fuck me? Um yeah OK – it was a one way street if I recall my dear and it was ALL on your end – in fact if I remember correctly I told YOU that YOU were too young for me – you need to seriously grow up.

Now, I have better things to do with my time – (and unless something further happens (which I am going to trust is NOT going to be the case) this will be the last time I address this matter, at least publically.) And, I suggest you find something better to do with your time.

Good luck to you.

Family Tree: Greek Gods

Family Tree: Greek Gods

Cool stuff. Via C2

From my love - Daffodils

"Daffodils dance in the wind
Like my thoughts for you when
You are away - light, airy & full of
Potential. When you are near, my
Love blossoms like the daffodils
In the light of the warm sun"

To my 'stalker'...

STAY OFF OF MY BLOG.

It's that simple.

Don't read it and then send me snide comments.

I really don't give a fuck what you think of me.


I've said it before I will say it again.

I don't write this blog for anyone other than myself. It's not to entertain you - it's a study in introspection - which is more than I can say for your egomaniacal nature - when was the last time you publicly admitted self-doubt let alone being wrong.

I don't have to agree with anything 100% - it's called having free will, the right to choose, a brain.

Your opinions mean nothing - not to me - and from what I can tell not to anyone else either.

Now, like I said in my e-mail (which you won't have the pleasure of getting from me ever again) - run along back to your sad little life.

A dangeorus woman

I went with C2 to dinner last night.

Thanks C – I love you.

We always have scintillating conversations.

She makes me think – very few people actually hold that distinction for me.

It seems that since I have been seeing Erin I have been going to church more – this is a true statement. It seems that it would appear to be a bit hypocritical of me to be going to a church whose doctrine I don’t agree with – that may or may not be a true statement – you are all welcome to your own opinions – I am going to offer up mine – not that they matter – even though it involves me...

I have always been spiritual. I have always been drawn to ritual. ALWAYS. For most of my childhood, until I was a pre-teen I attended church every single day. Did I agree with everything the church did – pardon my language, HELL NO! I felt in many ways the church was hypocritical – did it diminish my yearning to practice my faith um NO.

I left the church after my mother passed away – for many reasons – but not MAINLY because of my issues with certain stances by the Church. I left because at the time I needed to explore other venues of faith.

I came back to the church over time – a little here, a little there – I left again this time in anger over how things were handled by the parish priest at my father’s death – he refused to hold a mass for my dad cause my dad was and wanted to be cremated. I actually asked the priest what he would do if St. Joan of Arc’s ashes showed up in his church, would he hold mass then? The priest was not amused, I was furious – he was an asshole and I hope he rots – not a very Christian sentiment – I don’t care...

I did over the years go back to church – yes, mainly I was a 'Christmas Catholic' – every year my siblings and I would go to mass on Christmas eve. I also went as far as to JOIN our local parish – but we never followed though, we never went to mass. However, I never stopped wanting to practice my faith.

I would have discussions with various friends over the years about my falling away from the church – about being torn over my convictions vs the Church’s refusal to grow and change. I still feel this way.

I believe in God – I am very sure about that. I have no doubt there is a God – of course I also believe in the Goddess – but mainly I don’t think God/dess has a gender – I don’t think God is bound by the words or deeds of man.

There are of course things I do not agree with when it comes to the doctrine of the Catholic Church – some of them are obvious – I believe women have right make decisions concerning their bodies concerning their reproductive rights. I believe gays should be allowed to practice their faith without being told they are going to hell. Some of them involve more administrative concerns (if you will) – women should be allowed to be priests/priestesses, priests should be allowed to be married...

I don’t want to be perceived as a hypocrite. I want people to know that I’d like to help affect change within the church (don’t forget in some ways I am still a hippie chick who remembers protesting the Vietnamese war) – and keep in mind I have always been outspoken and I would go to a priest and tell him exactly what I think – I have in the past – it’s how I got kicked out of Catholic school to begin with and let me tell you that you have to go some to get kicked out of a Catholic school – mainly cause they want your money – and yes that is another beef I have with the Church.

When I went to Erin’s church I was skeptical – my experiences in the past are what drove me away. I felt welcomed. I felt warmth. I felt the congregation walked the walk and that matters to me. It’s a good church, it’s a progressive church and it’s a welcoming congregation. I feel at home there.

The have things like bible study, and volunteering opportunities galore, they have a gay/lesbian group. They have a lot to offer. Are there hypocrites in the congregation – you bet your ass there are – find me a church without one.

The truth is that Jesus was a radical/a revolutionary. Jesus bucked the system. Jesus was dangerous, Jesus didn’t keep his mouth shut. Well guess what – neither do I – I never have (even when I should), I never will. *I AM* a dangerous woman. And I plan on being that way for the rest of my life. And just because I practice my faith – does not mean I am necessarily agreeing with all the doctrine of said faith – after all doctrine is created by man and therefore fallible. Nor does it mean I am brainwashed and not going to stand by my convictions.

So there you have it...again think what you will/want – and I hope you do. But as long as I feel that this church is helping me and is nurturing my soul and my aspirations to make a difference on this planet – I am going to keep attending. And maybe I will even break some man-made ‘rules along the way.

For my love

I am with you in mind, body and spirit.

We will face whatever we need to face, together.

With, grace, with faith, with courage, with hope.

We will come out on the other side triumphant.

I love you, Erin, may God bless and keep you, always.

Blessed Ostara - Happy Spring!

Blessed Ostara - Happy Spring!

One Liver Saves Two Lives

One Liver Saves Two Lives

Great story!

Vows...

(This is prompted by a conversation from this morning)

Inspired by Dr. Seuss:

Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?

Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.
will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.

Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?

Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!

Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?

Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!

Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:

Pastor and Groom: I DO!

Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.

********

Traditional/Civil Wedding Vows:

I, (Bride's Name), take (you/thee), (Groom's Name),
to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] husband,
secure in the knowledge that you will be
my constant friend,
my faithful partner in life,
and my one true love.
On this special [opt: and holy] day,
I (affirm/reaffirm/give) to you
in the presence of God and (all those in attendance/these witnesses)
my (pledge/sacred promise) to stay by your side as your [opt: faithful] wife
in sickness and in health,
in joy and in sorrow, as well as
through the good times and the bad.
I (promise/further promise) to love you without reservation,
comfort you in times of distress,
encourage you to achieve (higher/all of your) goals,
laugh with you and cry with you,
grow with you in mind and spirit,
always be open and honest with you,
and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

********

Traditional Protestant Vows:

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God – and in the face of this company – to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained.


(*blah, blah, blah*)

Do you GROOM'S NAME take BRIDE'S NAME to be your wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?


GROOM:

I will.


MINISTER TO BRIDE:

Do you BRIDE'S NAME) take GROOM'S NAME to be your husband – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?


BRIDE:

I will.

Exchange of Wedding Rings

MINISTER:

What token of your love do you offer? Would you place the ring(s) in my hand?

May this/these ring(s) be blessed as the symbol of this affectionate unity. These two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. Wherever they go – may they always return to one another. May these two find in each other the love for which all men and women year. May they grow in understanding and in compassion. May the home which they establish together be such a place that many will find there a friend. May this/these ring(s) on her/their finger(s) symbolize the touch of the spirit of love in their hearts.


Handing ring to the Groom


MINISTER TO GROOM:

GROOM'S NAME, in placing this ring on BRIDE'S NAME finger, repeat after me: BRIDE'S NAME), you are now consecrated to me as my wife from this day forward and I give you this ring as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity and with this ring, I thee wed.



Handing ring to the Bride


MINISTER TO BRIDE:

BRIDE'S NAME, in placing this ring on GROOM'S NAME finger, repeat after me: GROOM'S NAME, you are now consecrate to me as my husband from this day forward and I give you this ring as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity and with this ring, I thee wed.


Pronouncement


MINISTER:

May you always share with each other the gifts of love – be one in heart and in mind – may you always create a home together that puts in your hearts – love – generosity and kindness.

In as much as GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME have consented together in marriage before this company of friends and family and have pledged their faith – and declared their unity by giving and receiving a ring – are now joined.

You have pronounced yourselves husband and wife but remember to always be each other’s best friend.

What – therefore – God has joined together – let no man put asunder.

And so, by the power vested in me by the State of ______ and Almighty God, I now pronounce you man and wife – and may your days be good and long upon the earth.

You may now kiss the bride.

The hard candy shell of life

A misnomer...kinda.

I had a lovely (birthday) weekend. Yes there were some bumps in the road.

I always get kind of sad/let down around my birthday. I hate celebrating birthdays. It’s not that I feel old or anything I just don’t like them.

Thanks again to all of those in my life for all the blessings you bring to me. Liam we missed you on Sunday

I’ve been worried about some things lately/upset over some things – mainly they center around relationships...yeah, what else is new. Things change, perhaps they evolve, tenderness get replaced by a hard/shiny candy shell – sometimes it cracks open and the tenderness is revealed again…sometimes not...

Yesterday, not long after arriving at my office, I found out my co-worker – she whom I usually referred to as Eyore, passed away over the weekend. She was miserable most of the time – and my hope and prayer is that she is at peace.

She will be missed, even though she was frustrating as hell to deal with.

Unfortunately, because we are now short her help, my life is soon going to become more hellish at work – which is OK –hopefully, they will find a replacement for her.

I forgot to get my driver’s license renewed, tags etc...oh well...later I suppose...

I walked around all day with huge run in my stockings…don’t know how it got there...

I had to teach last night and didn’t even feel like participating – I was ‘out to lunch’...I apologized to my students...

I had a migraine most of the day.

Life goes on.

Dark chocolate, I need some of that, preferably sans the hard candy shell.

*sighs*

The Fighting Irish

The Fighting Irish

(*rolls eyes*)

I had a blast when I went to NYC for this parade....hoping to go again - maybe even next year....AND to go to St. Patrick's cathedral for mass.

I guess it's too much to hope for that everyone 'just get along' with each other...

Pisces - year overview

Year 2007 Overview

Pisces

Pisces is having a once in a lifetime opportunity for great changes this year. You will be having the time of your life, expressing your loving and compassion to the world and fulfilling your boldest dreams. There won't be a dull moment and you will intuitively know exactly what path to follow and what feels right in your heart.

You will feel compelled to grasp new opportunities that manifest self-transformation in your career. You're stepping into your power easily, especially around April when you are urged to express your visionary mentality. You might rediscover your musical abilities and express yourself in creative ways. You have the power and inspiration to bring mystical sensitivity to what's around you. It's time to bring out the dreamy, loving and compassionate side of yourself and let it shine.

You may want to get involved in writing, be it lyrics, poetry or just self reflection. Your idealistic nature is inspired from a strong connection to your surroundings, and you easily express yourself from a place of inner awareness. Your natural ability to communicate ideas to others is keenly perceptive now. Focus on trusting your intuition and you will get through nearly any circumstance. You need to lighten up about difficulties in life. Don't be so critical and overly concerned about details. Because you're so sensitive to others' moods, you may feel like you're not coming across in a very positive way. Take time out and have fun this year. Embrace that intimate love relationship you have!

The year in review....

40-something years ago today, I entered the world. I was too tiny, so they put me in a plastic box until I gained enough weight to go home with my mommy and daddy…

What a long strange trip it’s been.

This past year could be considered a blur – a blip on the landscape of my existence – but a lot of cool ‘things’ happened and I managed to ‘capture’ much here a la blog.

Last year around the month of my birthday….

I found out I only had anemia, instead of cancer.

I rediscovered my love of literature and music.

I wrote my ‘Carnivale’ stories.

I learned a hard lesson about letting go – especially of my son AND my daughter – but also of the driftwood/deadwood that was my former marriage.

I went ‘home again’ to Pennsylvania and reconnected with family.

I dated more successfully but basically came to the conclusion that all dating sites were evil and pretty much gave up on ‘dating’ in general (it’s like giving up on dieting only different).

I got more politically involved.

My Yoga took off as a career. I became professional and was interviewed and had my picture put in the local paper (a bit overwhelming for me).

In the months that passed I became more comfortable in my own skin. I realized that I did not need to ‘date’ and that was OK. I stopped (in essence) looking. I became closer to my other friends (Thank God/dess! And I say thanks for you guys all the time). I concentrated more on my Yoga and building my career toward that end. I let go of things with my ex. I found my life again. I found my voice again. And on June 24, 2006 I found the love of my life (Again – I’d have to say but that might creep some of you out a bit).

2006 was an interesting year, and certainly a lot of fun. There have been a lot of lessons and I hope I’ve learned them well. I hope I have a lot more learning and adventure coming my way.

To all of you that have sent me b-day wishes already today thanks. Especially C2 – your card was hysterical/LMAO – um...er...are you trying to tell me something???

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Love to you all.

Colette

^_^

Mark in the 'bear's den'

Mark in the 'bear's den'

Cool story....

Self-immolation by Afghan women rising

Self-immolation by Afghan women rising

My God - this is heart-breaking.

*sighs*

What it's all about....

Last night I went over to Erin's...

Mainly to be with him and do some 'healing work'. I got to spend time with the kids too. Notably K- his 8-year-old daughter.

Well it seems K- had a project due about 'bartering' for school. She was to pick out something to take to school to 'trade' for something else with one of her classmates.

So dad suggested she go down in the basement to get perhaps a puzzle to take in - but instead K- and i went upstairs to her room to look for something.

She went through some of her items and at one point she picked up a little plastic bracelet. I asked her if she wanted to trade that and she said: 'No C -, you gave this to me'.

I told her it was OK that when someone gives you a present you are allowed to do with it as you please.

She then said: 'But I want to keep it - it reminds me of you when you are not around'

Blinking back tears I asked her if I could have a hug. She obliged.

And I am crying now too.

(We ended up making a beaded necklace and bracelet for her to exchange).

Thanks sweetie, you made my evening.

NPR: Music - South by Southwest

NPR: Music: South by Southwest

...one of these years...it's one of my dreams to go to this festival.

Meanwhile - check out some of the music kids.

Birthday wishes

My ‘ideal’ b-day...

First of all I would sleep in.

Then I’d get up and do some Yoga.

I would have a GOOD cup of coffee or tea over breakfast.

I would then try to go out to a museum or out (if the weather is nice – which it never is) to the park and take a hike in the woods.

I would try to do something for myself – a manicure, get my hair done, buy myself an outfit.

Then I would try to gather together with friends for some wine and conversation – maybe go dancing or to see a movie.

That’s it.

Instead this is what is probably going to happen:

I will get up at 5:30 AM - maybe hit the snooze a bit. I will shower, go to work, and spend the day hectic, frazzled.

I will fight traffic to get home watching while people drive like maniacs, throw trash out their windows, and pray that the crazier ones stay the hell away from me.

I will get to see Erin and the kids (bright spot here). Have dinner and maybe watch a movie as a family.

Put the kids to bed – unless, since it’s Friday, they end up being up later than we do.

Go to bed.

Wake up for St. Patrick’s Day – now a year older and hopefully a little wiser.

Be the ‘colleen’ that I am.

^_^

French Resistance hero Lucie Aubrac dies

French Resistance hero Lucie Aubrac dies

Au revoir Lucie.

Qu'elle repose en paix

Persephone's Box

Persephone's Box

What a wonderful blog. Go there NOW!

She is blog of the week here on DOCG

Persimmons

(Via C2 - thanks for sharing with me my dear)


Persimmons

In sixth grade Mrs. Walker
slapped the back of my head
and made me stand in the corner
for not knowing the difference
between persimmon and precision.
How to choose

persimmons. This is precision.
Ripe ones are soft and brown-spotted.
Sniff the bottoms. The sweet one
will be fragrant. How to eat:
put the knife away, lay down the newspaper.
Peel the skin tenderly, not to tear the meat.
Chew on the skin, suck it,
and swallow. Now, eat
the meat of the fruit,
so sweet
all of it, to the heart.

Donna undresses, her stomach is white.
In the yard, dewy and shivering
with crickets, we lie naked,
face-up, face-down,
I teach her Chinese. Crickets: chiu chiu. Dew: I've forgotten.
Naked: I've forgotten.
Ni, wo: you me.
I part her legs,
remember to tell her
she is beautiful as the moon.

Other words
that got me into trouble were
fight and fright, wren and yarn.
Fight was what I did when I was frightened,
fright was what I felt when I was fighting.
Wrens are small, plain birds,
yarn is what one knits with.
Wrens are soft as yarn.
My mother made birds out of yarn.
I loved to watch her tie the stuff;
a bird, a rabbit, a wee man.

Mrs. Walker brought a persimmon to class
and cut it up
so everyone could taste
a Chinese apple. Knowing
it wasn't ripe or sweet, I didn't eat
but watched the other faces.


My mother said every persimmon has a sun
inside, something golden, glowing,
warm as my face.

Once, in the cellar, I found two wrapped in newspaper
forgotten and not yet ripe.
I took them and set them both on my bedroom windowsill,
where each morning a cardinal
sang. The sun, the sun.

Finally understanding
he was going blind,
my father would stay up all one night
waiting for a song, a ghost.
I gave him the persimmons, swelled, heavy as sadness,
and sweet as love.

This year, in the muddy lighting
of my parents' cellar, I rummage, looking
for something I lost.
My father sits on the tired, wooden stairs,
black cane between his knees,
hand over hand, gripping the handle.

He's so happy that I've come home.
I ask how his eyes are, a stupid question.
All gone, he answers.

Under some blankets, I find three scrolls.
I sit beside him and untie
three paintings by my father:
Hibiscus leaf and a white flower.
Two cats preening.
Two persimmons, so full they want to drop from the cloth.

He raises both hands to touch the cloth,
asks, Which is this?

This is persimmons, Father.

Oh, the feel of the wolftail on the silk,
the strength, the tense
precision in the wrist.
I painted them hundreds of times
eyes closed. These I painted blind.
Some things never leave a person:
scent of the hair of one you love,
the texture of persimmons,
in your palm, the ripe weight.

-- Li-Young Lee

Happy PI Day

Happy PI Day

Go get yourself a big slice...

^_^

Spring

...seems to have finally arrived.

I can not wait to go out - breathe in the fresh air - go home - get changed - put on tennis shoes and go play.

Woot!

At seventeen

"At Seventeen"

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
In high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
And the rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

-- Janis Ian

SNAFU/Or: The Danger of white picket fences

I am not sure I should even be writing – I have such a headache this morning.

Not sure if it’s from sinuses, lack of sleep, change of time...etc.

The sunrise this morning was gorgeous and I called my love to share with him.

The weekend (the beginning at least) was glorious. Erin decided suddenly he wanted to go to Columbus. So we headed down Friday night and he took me to a bed & breakfast (Harrison House) – it was wonderful.

We ‘checked in’ and then went and wandered High Street. We ended up at Victorian’s Midnight Café listening to some music – it was a place where locals hang out and do sort of impromptu performances. Fun. We headed back to the B&B and had a very romantic time in our room complete with white rose petals.

The next day we were up early which in and of itself is not a bad thing but we had not gone to bed before 2AM, so I was exhausted. Breakfast was excellent and our hostess was very nice. We checked out to go explore Short North in Columbus (again – this is becoming one of our haunts). Erin took me to the ‘Market’ down there – like our West Side Market here in Cleveland but better.

We wandered around to other places as well – mainly just walking hand-in-hand, being in love, following our fancies...

We headed home late afternoon – after a near-ditch experience trying to find some non-existent place to shop…

Hit an outlet mall on the way home and then headed home – I think both of us were exhausted.

Sunday we went back to normal. He got up to go teach, I woke up and sat down and wrote:

Sunday morning – sitting…

Getting ready to do asana (except I drank some Turkish coffee, which I now will regret doing all day) (maybe I should skip Surya Namaskar).

…and it hits me.

Looking out the picture window at all the driveways, all the Sunday papers waiting for their owners to collect them.

The ‘normalcy; of this place, the ‘suburbia’, the ‘Donna-Reedness’, the inane/insane sanity, the “Hey honey, let’s invite Clint & Chloe over for cocktails & casserole & maybe afterwards we’ll swap out wives for a bit…”

Ugh!

I really don’t think I can fit into this ‘white-picket fence’ mode/scenario/lifestyle…I never have...

********

From there things just got worse.

I am not sure what to think at times. What to do with my doubts. What to do with my feelings. How to sort them into some sense of sense. How to relax. How to not get upset with the things that happen that set me off. How to put certain people in their places. How to get Erin to truly understand where I am coming from without being a bitch or angry….

I feel like an idiot half the time. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel displaced. I feel like an outsider, looking in...wishing at times I could just push the ‘re-start button’...

LOOK! There's a snake!!! Where????

In honour of the coming 'holiday,' and because I will most likely not be around next weekend TO post anything about St. Pat's; also to 're-run' this for my favourite Irish lad, Erin (that's right I said lad - that's Sir Erin to you), who last night brought home a 'Novena to Saint Patrick' prayer-thingy form the church. At the top of the page it mentioned something about Saint Patrick not usually being a 'novena Saint'....um OK - so I suppose he's normally the guy you'd pray to if you had an infestation of snakes...

(Sorry - I should apologise to some 'higher being' for being so irreverent - I have a feeling that good ole' St. Pat does not care all that much about my irreverence.)

Anyhow everyone - enjoy the feast - and literally steer clear of the 'amateurs'

Blessings to one and all.

C -

Faith...

I’ve been thinking lately (especially of late) – about faith. About my experiences and how they have shaped me.

I was born and raised Catholic. In some ways I had no say so in the matter. I was baptized by a nurse who thought I was going to die – I don’t know why she took it upon herself to do this – she must have realized my family was Catholic – in this day and age she would have probably been sued for doing such a thing. I am not even sure if it even ‘counted’ (although when I was ‘taught’ about Catholicism I was taught that ANY Catholic in good standing can baptize someone else – perhaps that has changed) – I was formally christened about a month after my birth.

As a youngster I was very much into being ‘holy’ although I am sure my behaviour bespoke a different sort of ‘vibe’. When I announced in 4th grade that I wanted to be a nun, my mother promptly informed me ‘they wouldn’t have you, C -, you are too bad’ – mainly cause I was always in rebellion, questioning, misbehaving.

When I think about what I treasured, held sacred from my faith, several things come to mind.

The rituals of the church were always a comfort to me (they still are). Certain rituals rank higher than others.

Mainly, a lot of the rituals center around Lent: The Stations of the Cross, the burning of incense, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and then Easter Sunday hold special significance to me…(sometimes laughingly I think that perhaps it’s a ‘Goth Chick’ kind of thing…).

The only other part of the Catholic church that resonates that strongly with me are the stories of the Saints. I used to pour over their histories. I was fascinated by the Saints. By what drove them to be so ‘different’, to suffer, and to be willing to put their very lives at risk for their faith/their love of God.

I would ‘romanticise’ their experiences – even though they were often tortured and killed because of their faith (again probably a ‘Goth’ thing here). I could tell you how St. Catherine of Alexandra died (the Catherine Wheel), of how St. Lucy lost her eyes – lots of martyr stuff – pretty heady stuff for a little girl.

Now my faith has become something quieter. Something that I feel strongly about yet am also at times tested on (as are all of us who profess to be of a certain religious denomination) – there are many things over the years that have tested my faith – and there are just as many things that have served to make me turn to it time and time again to get me through. I pray a lot. I ask for guidance a lot. I ask for patience a lot. I ask for my fears to be removed (this one gets a lot of attention). I am also always and forever being thankful for the wonderful people in my life, for my very life, for all that I am give (even those things that I *don’t* particularly want - for the tests of character and the sorrows/tragedies are just as important as the good events).

I know I am a rebel (duh) – I know I am stubborn, willful, and headstrong. My mom was probably right – had I become a nun I’d have turned the convent on its ears – but then who knows, maybe that's the kind of thing needed when it comes to faith.

Jesus was a radical and revolutionary as well – he flew in the face of convention, he questioned authority. I’d have been in good company.

Exquisite Corpse - A Journal of Letters and Life

Exquisite Corpse - A Journal of Letters and Life

Also 'Blog of the Week' here on DOCG

Killing The Buddha

Killing The Buddha

Wins my vote for 'Blog of the week'.

50 MORE Things about moi....

(Now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming - this post is EXTREMELY LONG - just fair warning.)

51. I want to make love to/with another woman

52. I would not mind having a threesome either – if it felt right

53. I want to make love in a church or in a sacred place, or in a cemetery (again)

54. At times, I yearn for/crave red meat but I am primarily a vegetarian

55. At times I think of using violence as means to ‘solve problems’ as in I’d have no problem being a member of the IRA or *laughs* a French Freedom Fighter – but I so abhor violence….

56. While I am scared to death (no pun intended) of crucifixes I love ancient and very old churches.

57. When my best friend from grade-school died and we went to her funeral (we were in Catholic school together) – I was crying and the other kids made fun of me DURING MASS – I actually ran home instead of going back to class on the day of her funeral cause I was so distraught – I hope all those kids (now adults) rot in hell – I KNOW she’s in heaven – I miss you, Donna…

58. I sometimes can’t remember my own mom’s face –she’s been gone too long

59. I met and had to hang out with Cloris Leachman through a job of mine – I was the admin for a company that placed people in housing (usually visiting stars from shows on tour here in town, ballerinas, and sports figures – it was corporate housing). Ms. Leachman at the time was in her 70s (I believe) and she made me go around with her to DIFFERENT competitors cause she did not like OUR accommodations – at one point she actually said to a manager of one of the firms: ‘Who do you have to fuck to get a decent apartment to stay in here in Cleveland?’ – she immediately became one of my heroes at that moment.

60. My taste in sex has changed over the years and approaches ‘darker’ aspects the older I get – it’s kind of scary at times…but manageable.

61. My senior year in HS I worked at a state run mental institution – which is now closed due to the patients being abused

62. I got to actually ride on the ‘City of New Orleans’ train…incredible

63. It would appear (and this is a very recent revelation) that I have/have had ‘stalkers’ – but they aren’t overt – with the exception of my most recent ex and even he has curtailed his actions a bit.

64. I want to quit my job and teach Yoga full time

65. I want to make breakthroughs with Yoga in the field of modern medicine

66. I want to teach Yoga to inner city school kids

67. I want to form a Yoga collective for teachers

68. I’d like to live in India or the Middle East for a time – Morocco seems to be coming up a lot (India is a must though).

69. I’d like to join a monastery (for a time – probably not permanently)

70. Barring #69 (which you have admit the ‘thing’ about me on that line so totally does not match the ‘symbolism’ we seem to attach to the number 69) – I would not mind living with the Amish (got this one from Erin) but the more I think about that the more I’d like to live ‘away’ from other people in general.

71. I sometimes think that the dreams I have – because of the nature of them – are actually taking place in a parallel universe

72. I STILL get premonitions in dreams and they are usually pretty accurate – and they scare the hell out of me

73. I have experienced other people (that I know) coming to me in my dreams – it’s been more pronounced lately – Erin was the first one to really ‘break through’ on a very intense level…we barely knew each other and it scared the hell out of me big-time

74. I believe in reincarnation (somewhat) and have had some ‘inklings’ of who I was in past lives….2 that seem very strong are a witch (she was murdered – yeah no shit – but not burned, she was drowned), and an Indian (American) princess – there are others as well – they seem to be from the Middle East – but the impressions are much fainter.

75. I am not a strong swimmer. Therefore I have a fear of drowning – which may actually go back to thinking I was a witch and drowned in my past life…of course it could also have something to do with my cousin Rocky (that’s right I said Rocky) throwing me in a swimming pool when I had not yet learned how to swim…

76. I love to color with crayons in colouring books even to this day

77. I love to play jacks

78. I love to play hopscotch

79. I love to play hide-and-seek – but I want to do it on a ‘grown up’ level (LOL like in a cemetery)

80. I have lived in ‘haunted’ houses – as a child and as an adult – I also stayed with some friends who had a ghost in residence that was following the wife from home to home as they moved.

81. One of my first Internet friends was a man from Geneva Switzerland. At the time I was using IRC through CWRU’s Freenet – he kept ‘buzzing’ me to talk to him because of the profile I had put up stating that I spoke, read, and wrote in French – we began a correspondence, it turned out he was one of the head Chief Technical Officers for W.H.O. – he used to send me stuff from all over the world…I am actually going to do a blog piece about this because it’s a really cool story (musing to self: I wonder what ever happened to him).

82. I have people trying to ‘friend’ me from all over the world – in many ways because of my blog and my name (Colette) – it is at times very frightening yet flattering – I’ve been propositioned several times, the worst one was being asked if someone could be my sexual ‘slave’…um yeah OK….<*rolls eyes*>

83. At one time I wanted to be an archaeologist

84. I also wanted to be a lawyer – but then I realized how unhappy I would have been

85. I used to be for the death penalty – what changed me was reading the book ‘Dead Man Walking’ – I no longer support the death penalty

86. I am not a Democrat, nor am I a Republican – in a way I abhor both parties – I consider myself an ‘Independent’ – I hope you all do as well – but this is not meant to be a political tirade

87. I once passed out in church due to the fumes from the incense – I think the nuns may have felt I experienced a ‘miracle’ (LOL)

88. In our church the monsignor once gave a sermon chastising one of our favourite (young(er)) nuns for sun-bathing in a bikini (*smirks* - did you get too much of an eyeful, Father?)

89. I can not eat oatmeal or cream of wheat in any shape or form

90. I can not eat grits either

91. When I was about 11 years old some kid on his bike in our neighborhood made the mistake of knocking a bag of groceries out of my mother’s arms (in full view of me), I chased him down on foot, caught him (yes he was riding his bike and I ran that fast), knock him off of his bike and proceeded to jump on him and give him a bloody nose. I was told to go and apologise to him (I did) and when his mother tried telling me it was because his dad had just died I told her to shove it – talk about being a brat – I was so not compassionate in that moment – but man when my family is being hurt I know I can pull out my can of whoop-ass.

92. I am scared of math – yeah it’s stupid – it’s just not my forte

93. I had a cancer scare last year – it made me think and change A LOT.

94. For the most part when it comes to my health, I am very laid back – in the kind of ‘what you don’t know, can’t hurt you' camp.

95. As an example of #94 – when I was like 4 months along with my son – the doctor told me that she felt my AFP (amnio fetal protein) test results were too low – even though she knew (as did I because she had me taking my basal body temp so that I would GET pregnant in the first place) the exact day/time of my son’s conception (which in essence at this point meant her math was wrong – see why I am afraid of math?) SO in essence she told me that I was probably going to have a Down’s Syndrome child and I had like one week to decide whether I wanted to ‘terminate’ (I swear to God these were her words) the pregnancy. At that point I went a little nuts – I told her over and over she had to be wrong – that my husband and I had been trying for like 3 years to have this baby – she insisted she was right – she also insisted that the ONLY way to find out was to go through an amniocentesis – well the risk of miscarriage is a bit high with that so I said No! That there had to be another way – we finally agreed to an ultrasound – and proved her wrong. The bitch. My point: Women have been having babies forever without these damnable tests, sometimes just because you have the ‘technology’ to do something does not necessarily mean you have to make some poor soul your guinea pig – ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’….

96. I once rescued a cat down in Houston, TX (beautiful gray Persian-mix) – he was tied (by rope) to a bush and being fed spare-ribs and doughnuts, I cut him loose (after seeing him like this for 2-3 days in a row – his food was covered with ants – fire ants) – I took him home – and he promptly took to me and began ‘sunning' himself in my big picture window. After a couple of days, a Mexican guy showed up at my door knocking – I opened the door and he pointed at ‘Fang’ (I had named him Fang because of his protruding canines) and said: “Por favor senora, Gato?” – I said “Gato my ass buddy, Greencard! If I ever see you mistreat another animal you are going back to Mexico – got it?” He promptly left. Well when we moved out of this complex, some kids (Mexican – sorry but it’s true) broke into our apt and ‘kidnapped’ the cat and SPRAY PAINTED HIM WITH SHELLAC! I was able to rescue him again – he was nearly dead and I had to cut all his fur off (cause you can’t dip a cat in turpentine) – needless to say he lived 18 more years. He was one of the best pets I’ve ever had

97. I have (ever since being married to my son’s dad), had Tortoise-shell cats in my life – they were always found or ‘given’ to us – which as it turns out is a tradition in M’s (my son’s father) family – it always struck me as odd but really cool at the same time.

98. I now actually like Sushi (a lot!) – thanks Erin

99. I was not intending to tell ‘stories’ with this ’50-more-things post’…sorry.

100 Since I have been an adult I have not had a birthday party thrown for me – (nor do I want one) – I kind of despise them (for adults) – not sure why – probably cause mine was never celebrated on my birthday – it was always celebrated on St. Patrick’s Day (thanks Dad – I am not complaining – some people think that it’s cool).

In a state of disbelief...

OK – only two people out there are going to get what I am writing here – the rest of you – go read something else.

This is an open response to a lunatic. And it’s not going to be very ‘Christian’, compassionate, or kind, so in advance I’d like to apologise mainly to my daughter (I love you Rissa – but I have to do this)

********

Dear Sir,

Go to fucking hell – but then you probably don’t believe in hell.

How dare you rant at me about my relationship.

Who do you think you are?

Why are you bothering me – why are you so intent on trying to either destroy or cast doubt upon my love? Why does it matter so much to you? I can tell you my own personal take on this, and it is because I rebuffed your sexual advances – which, when you found out I was in a serious relationship (not to mention engaged), should have ended immediately. There is nothing wrong with flirting but e-mailing me to ask me to mail you a pair of my panties so you could use them as a rag to catch your cum was not only out of line but totally reprehensible. You claim I was asking you to be 'transparent' with me - I would never in a million years request that sort of 'transparency' from ANYONE in any way, shape or form - not even one of my lovers - you are using that as an excuse to delude yourself into some sort of twisted thinking that I even wanted such advances from you. You sir, are an ass.

You have never met either one of us – you do not truly know us – the only way you know me is from reading this thing we call a blog – you have never met me, you have never been in the same room with me. Nor have you met my love or been in the same room as him. YOU DON’T KNOW US. My love may disagree with me (he does on this) but I don’t think it’s possible to truly know anyone without meeting them face to face because the eyes are the light of the soul.

Your soul, sir is sorely lacking in such a manner. And I am sorry to say this…for I suppose in essence and to be equally fair to you, I don’t truly know you – but I do know by the totally uncalled-for hate you’ve been spewing and your constant attacks, that this is the case - for someone with compassion in their soul would not act in such a vicious manner unless they themselves had an agenda.

We ALL have agendas. We all fall short. You seem to imply that I am falling a victim of someone’s agenda – are you including yourself in that assessment? You claim to be a friend and you claim that I am making a huge mistake – I have to tell you sir that I am lucky to count as my friends some of the most sane, sincere, and intelligent people I have ever known (family as well) and if they thought I was making such a huge mistake I guarantee you they love me enough to tell me, no matter how much it would hurt me in the short run and for the record, they DID speak up about my ex. Not a single one of them has told me anything of the sort about my love, and the closest thing that has come up, is a person with a similar agenda to yours on my love’s end who is acting jealous and completely out of line on her part and doing her best to cast doubts and fear – projecting that of her own need/desires/misconceptions onto our relationship – perhaps I should introduce you to one another – maybe you can form a bond, since I am guessing you don’t have a lot of true friends and that is why you have all the time in the world to do this…and the need for it as well. Apparently it pains you to see people in love and happy. Perhaps you need to get counseling over your own failed unrequited love that has seemingly caused you to go insane.

Does my love have faults – you fucking bet he does! Do I? Even moreso – never would I think otherwise – does that make me wrong or blind for loving him? Wrong? I don’t think so. Love is blind? Perhaps. Let me share an old quote with you (doubt you will be wise enough to pick up on this but here goes):

“Love is not blind, it sees more, not less, but because it sees more, it’s willing to see less.”

Put that in your ‘opium pipe of the masses’ and smoke it. (Sorry I had to go there)…yeah I AM brilliant so go fuck yourself.

As far as your charge that I can not think for myself and that I am so desperate to have a man in my life that I would put up with just about 'anything' because I am vulnerable and weak; that I am allowing him to manipulate me due to my low self-esteem - once again GO FUCK YOURSELF! The only way you 'know' me is by this blog and some e-mails back and forth - this blog is a chronicle of my pain and is nearly one-dimensional - if I did not have balls, or guts, or fortitude I'd have never had the backbone or courage to leave my ex - I would have just rolled over and played dead. You can ask anyone of my friends OR my family about my spine - they will tell you I have one - sometimes too much of one to my own detriment. Further what the fuck could you possibly know of love? Obviously nothing, because in order to be in love you have allow yourself some measure of vulnerability - does that mean I am being a sheep for him? I don't think so my dear - no one has that much control over me. Nor is my self-esteem so lacking as to take up with just any old jerk - which is why I kept telling you no - obviously my standards were simply too high to be with someone as jaded and as lacking in character as you.

You have been totally out of control ever since my love began to challenge you on something you fancy yourself to be an expert on – YOUR PERSONAL take on Christianity – and it is nothing more than opinion and conjecture. You can’t stand it when someone challenges you in a debate? Well then I suggest you find a mirror and debate yourself. You claim people in the ‘group’ mailed you their responses in private? Produce the proof of that cause I think you are lying. I know for a fact that others in this so-called group of yours have e-mailed my love complaining about you and your spewing constantly – not only have you been without regard for anyone’s beliefs in God but you have been on some one-man, misdirected crusade to deconstruct Christianity/Religion again based solely on nothing more than your opinion – you who were at one time studying religion but then by your own admission ‘dropped out’ – so it is you we are to believe and not someone with the balls and courage and discipline to have completed their degrees? Please. Say what you will about my love – at least he finishes his tasks AND his education.

I am tired of defending the character of someone who, in my estimation needs no defense to someone the likes of you whom I find to be selfish, rude, inconsiderate, debased, immoral, and a self-righteous know-it-all.

I have nothing more to say on this matter – you may consider this MY message of closure to you - I am asking you PUBLICLY and nicely to leave me alone - hopefully some of your brain still retains the sense to listen to such a request.

The List...

A long time ago, I put out a ‘laundry list’ of characteristics I was looking for in a partner. I put it ‘out there’ (well on here) because a friend had told me to ask the ‘universe’ God/dess, providence, the cosmos – whatever for a mate/partner and to be specific about what I wanted.

The universe took it’s time, apparently….

Last night I was talking with Erin – just about ‘stuff and things’ – because of my nature we discuss ‘relationship’ in general – I don’t know why perhaps I am trying to break some secret code, make sure he IS the right person for me (I am sure it’s true with him as well). We touched upon our ‘qualities’ and I was telling him how amazing he is (he is). He in turn told me that perhaps all along what I had been looking for in a partner was ‘myself’.

*blink* *blink*

Um….er….

Hmmmmm

I can’t wrap my mind around that.

So I thought I would write about what I DID want in a mate.

Notably, (and this is going to sound terrible) I was hoping for the absence of what I had in my last disastrous relationship. I just could not bear to be with someone who was selfish, negative, un-stable and on and on….

So barring all that this is what I wanted:

Kindness/Compassion
Intelligence
Spiritual
Creative
Tolerance
Comfortable with their own sexuality/not afraid to try new things sexually/into sex – and somewhat sexy/attractive/chemistry works between us
Honest
Ethical/must have a strong moral code
Trustworthy (see ethical)
Helpful (this one is huge actually)
Selfless
Must love literature, music, art, (yes must love animals too LOL)
Educated (to some extent – I mean not Harvard or anything but well read/rounded) – and willing to CONTINUE to learn/grow AND evolve (again this is huge with me)
Spontaneous
Stable (in their job, their life, their emotional make-up (this is not to say I would not deal with depression – but I could no longer deal with someone who was depressed and refused to help themselves).
Funny/Witty
A little sarcastic
Willingness to be active/get involved in community (and/or politics) – to not be apathetic – or, as Erin puts it their ‘give a damn’ could not be broken
Cultured/Somewhat worldly in the sense of not being ‘white-bread-American’
Somewhat active (NOT a couch potato – I was so fucking sick of TV)
Wants to explore/travel/have adventures
Somewhat liberal/libertarian in their political views (but not rabidly)
A little weird (that’s right I said weird – ordinary is so damned boring)

********

It’s a long friggin’ list….it probably makes me sound very elitist – but I am not – all of these things matter to me in varying degrees and the person did not have to have ALL of the qualities listed above. I tried not to set the bar too ‘high’ but I didn’t feel like ‘settling’ anymore either – I’d rather be alone than trying to change someone or do a ‘make over’ when ultimately we can’t change the people we love to fit into some ‘perceived’ mold/notion of what we need – if they aren’t that way to begin with ‘sistah’ you are SOL.

One of the sweetest things Erin ever told me (one of the highest compliments he has ever paid me) was that not only did I make his ‘short list’, I made his ‘long list’ and he was being completely honest. This kind of shocked me (it still does) – because when I think of myself I don’t think that I am all that special or extraordinary – I feel I am average and that I strive to be a good person/compassionate – but that’s about it – I am not going to make the cover of ‘Time’ magazine (not that that matters all that much to someone like me).

So there you have it ‘the list’. I could probably tweak it a little but it’s pretty thorough and I think I’ve managed to include everything I think is important in a life-partner/spouse.

Running away....

So...I have to wonder...

Do these feelings ever stop?

I so want to run away....you have no idea.

Talking....

...just to hear the sound of your own voice....

Sounds depressing doesn't it - it is.

The weekend was eh/OK. Went with Erin and the kids to go his mom - all the mother-in-law crap aside, she is a nice person and she loves him and her grandchildren....

I have a lot going on in my mind...

I've been thinking about emotional stuff - things from the past - and those issues that may very well affect my future.

I wonder (a lot).

The introspective subject tonight is 'cheating'.

Having lived on both sides of this issue I can tell you I go through a lot of conflicting feelings.

First off let me say it is NEVER OK in my book to cheat - I don't care how fucking bad it gets - go away if you have to do that - grow some balls and get honest.

But I have some questions to put to you all - up to you to give me your 2 pennies worth.

Is it EVER OK to cheat?


Once you have cheated, should you come clean or just hope that it goes away (this is supposing you have ended your affair)?

Once you do come clean (if you do) what should be the response of the injured party?

Do you feel people deserve to be cheated on?

Once someone cheats will they always be that way? Can they ever change? Should they be given a second chance?

Do certain behaviours lead to or are certain personalities prone to cheating?

How do you ever learn to trust again?


********

This is a very painful topic for me in very many ways. I have mixed feelings about my own experiences and you all can read back into my 'history' if you wish - there are always two sides to every story.

I get personally alarmed when I hear people justify their affairs - I am sure to some extent, those who cheat do this - perhaps it's out of guilt, perhaps it's a way to let themselves 'off the hook' - forgiveness is key not just for the cheated on but for the cheater - it's just knowing when that forgiveness is warranted (I believe in order to heal from ANY wrong you have no choice but to forgive the perpetrator, otherwise, you end up being a prisoner of the crime) - and knowing whether to move on with that person or not as the case may be.

Sometimes, I just wish I could turn my mind off....

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein

????????

How the hell does one 'accidentally invade' someplace??

Leave it to the Swiss.

One more...

(Re-post: About this one - this was written after dealing with a 'cancer scare' and I hope and pray none of you ever have to go through anything that frightening)

********

Feelings...good, bad, indifferent

It’s hard to know what to focus on when my mind seems so scattered...All my training, all my study of the disciplines that should help me (yoga, meditation, deep relaxation, visualization) seem to fail when I need them the most.

I can help students, most of them are perfect strangers to me, but I can’t seem to help myself and the more I try to *relax* the further out of reach the ‘peace of mind’ seems – there’s a detour on the path of my own tranquility.

My seated practice has suffered mainly because I’ve been in so much pain I can not sit – my neck, my shoulders, my knees, my hips – I feel like I’ve become an old woman before my time...I creak, I crack, I pop and at once I am frustrated as well as sympathetic to some of my students with similar physical ailments.

I just feel like the days blur, I am going through the motions and I don’t even have a clue – numbness just takes over...

Last night I was at dinner with Mr. C and I got to talk to him about how I feel - like I have always had to be strong and I am tired of being expected to be that way ALL THE TIME – even most of the time...why isn’t it OK to stop, to not fight? Who is this fight for, me? Who is it ever for? Is it selfish of me to want to just stop?

Once, when one of my dearest friends was faced with a serious illness (she had colon cancer and they missed some of it when they removed it and they did no radiation so it spread to her bones – awful just awful) – she was being treated with chemo, well chemo is toxic, very toxic and most of us are affected by that but it was nearly fatal for her – she was being poisoned and she had to be hospitalized and the things she was going through at the time were just horrendous and I remember one phone call early on where she called me crying and began talking about how she wanted to die – really wanted to – she needed to talk about THAT feeling with someone because her kids just would not listen to her – she wanted to talk about her own funeral. It was (and still is) one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to have with a friend, but I listened, why? Because I OWED her that much – she was my friend – she was my sister at heart and with that conversation it dawned on me and I’ve never forgotten that we have to remember it’s OK to live with those feelings too – it’s OK to ALLOW your loved ones let go – the ONLY reason we don’t want them to ‘give up the ghost’ as it were is purely selfish on our part – we will miss them – we don’t want them to leave our universe…not realizing that they will always be with us, in our hearts, in our minds, in our intertwining of spirits that makes us all a part of something bigger...something sacred and joyful...something that can never be taken away.

The 'Do-Over'

(Re-post from March of last year - funny the difference a year makes in the way you look at certain issues):

********

Meanwhile, back at my ego....


...and it occurs to me that I’ve been neglecting my *real* writing (trying to ‘chronicle’ my life my ‘adventures’) and instead have just been ranting about life in general….perhaps my writing is ‘escapism’ and right now I want the nitty-gritty-day-to-day bullshit so I don’t have to look at a blank page – and it’s not writer’s block for me – I can more than spew crap out onto the blank page – but that’s just it I don’t want it to be crap – I want my writing to be well, good...it’s the insecurity of it all and I think a lot of people who write think their writing isn’t all that great (unless you are Stephen King or -insert name of writing egomaniac of your choice here...), it’s like painters, sculptors ANY artist – one feels one could have always done better...been more brilliant.

I have part II of ‘My Carnivale Season’ put together I just need to finish it up and post it...I don’t know what’s keeping me from doing so...

***************
...and I’m lonely – I want to date – it’s crazy – I can’t stand the way most people try to contact me via the dating web-sites (that I have basically decided are worthless) – I mean the arrogance, the stupidity, the vapidness, the looking-for-the-next-missus crap; it all kind of blurs together. When I do find someone that I think might be worth pursuing they have things in their lives that really set off alarms for me – like young children (OK I am not trying to be a bitch here – but I am not going to raise another child – I am divorced from a guy who was a child masquerading as an adult – and if you think it does not impact me to be dating someone who has young children, think again...just not up for it, not at all), or they come across as too materialistic, or not financially responsible enough, or so *yawn* boring with no creativity to speak of and then I begin to wonder if I should avoid artistic and creative types, or...and so on.. There's just tons of things...and while I am no picnic myself at times – I think I deserve at least someone I can get along with and with whom I can find some chemistry...and I realize by meeting them in-the-flesh vs. the computer I have just as much a chance of finding out unsavory things down the line (which is why the computer appealed to me in the first place) but I am not getting anywhere on the Internet (and it’s bad – it’s awful out there – but then I get the feeling it’s awful dating no matter what and I’ve been told as much)...

So I keep saying this – I am going to try to just get out more and meet people – go to the gym, work out (but I think that’s a bad way to meet people, it feels like a bar sans the alcohol). Also, I’ve signed up for a ‘Progressive Date’ event where you meet like 30 people in one evening and I am sure I will be overwhelmed by this but hey it can’t hurt, right?

I just don’t know what’s going on out there – and I get the distinct feeling there are guys out there who feel EXACTLY the same way I do but I don’t know where they are or if I am ever going to meet them…and if I don’t it’s OK – it really is – I don’t want to come across sounding desperate...because I am not – this needs to be right for me…

*****************

Then there’s the dreams, dreams at the edge of periphery, of stillness and shadow, or of hushed moments highly charged and erotic, the feel of flesh against flesh, but not being able to see who’s touching me nor who I am touching; it’s like there’s a veil between us and it’s lifted only for the brief moment of ecstasy and then becomes a wall again; glimmer of a woman, sighs, silk, sensual lushness, urgent yet languid and luxuriant...almost a waiting till it reaches a heightening crescendo and then just as quickly it’s gone..I feel I’ve been touched by the spirit of my own restless sexual energy; it’s a moment most intimate, a tantric episode, that lingers, taunting me with the promise of things to come...

...but what?

'Modern' medicine

So...

I had strep and did not know it.

Which meant that I exposed my co-workers, Erin and his children and everyone I came in contact with to strep.

Here’s what happened.

I was very sick Monday the 19 of February. I called off. By Thursday, I was so bad I could barley swallow – since I know I am prone to strep – due to my own childhood experiences with it (I was so sick once I was quarantined) – I called off again and made an appt to see the docs and told the staff that I thought I had strep.

I was seen, and my ‘rapid strep culture’ came back negative. It was then sent out for overnight confirmation (24HR testing). Meanwhile because our clinic is so ‘booked’ I had to be seen in pediatrics – um...well OK no problem. The pediatrician gave me antibiotics but told me not to take them until Sunday and only if I felt no better.

Went into work Friday – I KNOW I was feverish – hung out with Erin and the kids that night – probably still sick. On Saturday I began the course of antibiotics.

Last night as I was leaving my house to go meet Erin and the kids for dinner at his place I got a call from the clinic:

Nurse: C - ?
Me: Yes?
Her: We’ve been trying to reach you all week?
Me: Um...OK
Her: Your strep test came back positive
(long pregnant pause – me thinking WTF??)
Me: Well I got no msg (now here I have to say that after this I found out our voicemail at the home phone is full but read on….)
Her: Well we’ve been trying to tell you all week – but the doctor said not to worry cause what she gave you would have taken care of it’
Me: (*sounding pissed*) yeah well that would be fine and dandy my dear except per THE DOCTOR I didn’t even begin taking the antibiotic right away...And hey, can I ask you something? You DO KNOW that I work at the main location of the clinic downtown, right?
Her: Um...
Me: I mean that IS in my file like everywhere plus I KNOW the doctor in question knew this because she asked me what kind of work I do down there...
Her: Um...
Me: So let me ask you something else – where are you during day-time hours – at home OR AT WORK?????
Her: (*silence*)
Me: (*obviously really angry*) yeah well you might want to pass on to the doctor that I’ve exposed a bunch of people to this – including the possibility of immuno-suppressed patients...


FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!

And I don’t mean to be going off on the messenger but WHAT.THE.FUCK.???

Yeah so hopefully this course of antibiotics will work – I may need to be seen again and if so you’d better believe I am going to raise hell.

NPR: Meditation a Hit for Pain Management

NPR: Meditation a Hit for Pain Management

Cool! An article about one of my heroes

Possession

No...Seriously...

The subject of exorcism in the Roman Catholic Church (Rite) has always fascinated me. I read ‘The Exorcist’ by William Peter Blatty at the tender age of 11 (yeah I know it explains a lot).

However, ever since then I have always been curious about exorcism in general.

Last night Erin and I discussed the movie ‘The exorcism of Emily Rose’ which is based loosely (very loosely I might add) on the true story of an Anneliese Michel - in the true story – not just the priests involved, but also her parents were convicted of manslaughter.

I myself struggle with the ‘idea’ behind demonic possession. Not because I don’t think it’s possible but because I think it is a very hard case to prove, and that it has been sensationalized over the years, becoming a caricature of itself in some ways. (Think: SNL Richard Pryor playing the ‘exorcist’ to Larraine Newman). Besides we talk of people being possessed by the holy spirit but no one ever seems to want to DO ANYTHING about THAT possession (yeah kids, it’s sarcasm – run with it..).

At any rate I plan on trying to get some reading materials to continue my ongoing interest/study on this subject and how the church handles such cases.

Suggestions:

Malachi Martin: ‘Hostage to the Devil’
(info on the book in depth may be found here:)

Michael W. Cuneo: ‘American Exorcism: Expelling Demons in the Land of Plenty’
(Review may be found here:)

And finally just for those of you old-schoolers who want a little fun with matters of such brevity we have:

The Exorcist in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies

Keeping the fires stoked

(Per my previous post - some advice)

********

The Triple A's of a Great Relationship


Couples can lose the spark for every reason under the sun. They get too busy with work or kids. They forget the little things, like kisses and small thank you's. Most relationship splits don't come down to a dramatic, life-shattering problem. Rather, it's the gradual slip of each partner's behavior that does it.
I've got an easy formula that will put some life back into any lukewarm relationship. I call it The Three A's of Relationship Rescue:

The first ‘A' is for Appreciation. Both sexes benefit from getting back to the sweet adoration of early love. In those days it was effortless. You rocked each other's world without even trying to. Every gesture was met with the simplest of relationship life-preservers: gratitude. Ultimately, showing appreciation makes the other person feel seen and heard. You feel like you matter. In the workaday of chores, errands, bills and whose turn it is to take the dog out, appreciation can go right out the window. You're both so busy that you start to take what the other person is doing for granted. Take a step back and say ‘thank-you' more than you might. Think of something everyday that your partner did and thank him or her for it-even on the bad days! It will help you weather the storms of love.


The second ‘A' is for Attention. This one is more for the guys. Remember how much you used to court your partner in the beginning? Every date was an event. Every absence a tragedy. It helps to bring back some of that urgency and romance to what's going on now. If you haven't brought home flowers for no particular reason since the last Leap Year, please head directly to the florist. If you never call just to say I love you, pick up the phone. Women want to feel cared for and loved and cherished-and not just when you're trying to get sex or make something up to her. Little gestures of seduction, with no expectations, will go a long way towards reigniting her attraction to you. Why not plan to do something nice every week? The more a woman feels that her partner is tuning into her emotionally, by helping with the kids or the house or doing something sweet, the more apt she is to be sexual. Need any more reasons?


The last ‘A' is for Appearance. Ladies, do you remember how much effort you put into your looks at the beginning of your relationship? I'll bet that a day at the ballgame got more effort than your anniversary does these days! Men are visual creatures. Your hair, your body, your appearance is what caught his interest in the first place. As I like to say, if you've let yourself go, your partner may still love you, but he's not going to lust you. And sorry, but kids and cooking dinner and all of that other stuff is not an excuse for looking disheveled on a regular basis. Your appearance needs to once again become a priority! In fact, when you keep yourself looking good on a daily basis, it becomes a habit. Don't reserve looking nice for a special occasion. It sends the message that you only care in a way that's strategic, designed to appease him rather than prioritize a fundamental part of his attraction to you. It will also make you feel better about yourself to stop making excuses. Eat right, put on a little mascara and lip gloss, and shave your legs more than once a week!

And men don't get off the hook here. While the visual is not quite as important to women, generally speaking, no one wants a slovenly partner. Beer guts, untended nose hair, and clothing from the mid-90s are serious offenses! If you expect her to look good, please do the same.

Ultimately, a healthy relationship is what's going to drive your passion for each other, which is what's going to rev the engine of a healthy relationship!

"Every breath you take....

...every cake you bake
...every orgasm you fake..."



Oooops....sorry did *I* just type that.

Yeah I would really LOVE to see The Police in concert - but the idea of paying $80-$120 per ticket doesn't exactly appeal to me...

I'd also like to go see The Indigo Girls.