Not a surprise

I have managed, so far in this blog to stay away from 'controversy'. War, politics, religion. My mother always used to tell me that a lady never discusses such things in mixed company. For the most part I don't think it is a bad idea - my mother's advice - in theory. I really don't want to offend anyone. So my apologies if this does - write to me about it - I will listen with an open mind.

When my love-affair with my husband was in it's heyday (spelling??), we used to publish a 'Zine' together. We used it as a forum for our particular brand of ranting. I had a column entitled 'Through the Looking Glass' and it was about spirituality and our perceptions of how God/Goddess 'should' be and my own take on what I saw as a lot of bad things being done in the name of God. In one of those articles I once asked how many 'Christian' churches would welcome Mary Magdalen today (knowing she was considered a prostitute) - would they love her as a child of God?

I wanted to direct my reader's attention to this article I found. This really disturbed me on many of the same levels I used to write about. Mainly it falls under the 'Who do we humans think we are?' category in my book.


Gay-Rights Activists Denied Communion

Now, I want to say here that I was born and raised a Catholic - I turned away from the church for many reasons (one is listed above, one is below). Today those reasons grow even more glaring. I once asked a priest the proverbial smart-aleck question about God: 'Father, if God were to make a rock so big HE could not lift it...' (what can I say I was (still am) a brat - always question authority LOL). His answer was "God is not bound by man's words"

Today I would like to ask that same priest, (that is if he is not in jail for molesting young children), if God is bound by mens' prejudices? I would certainly hope not!

To quote a favourite Irishman of mine (who was probably a Catholic boy as well in his youth), Bono: "My God's not short on cash, Mister." This quote echoes something else that used to bother me to no end - why was one of the richest churches/organisations in the world always asking poor people like my family, for money??? I mean has anyone seen the art collection at the Vatican? Why not sell something by Michelangelo if you guys are so hard up for cash? I remember the priests in our parish driving better cars than most of the parishioners (ok so they were gifts - possibly - so what?) - at the time we were so poor, my family did not even own a car, my dad had to walk 5 miles to get to work (and not this is not the start of a Monty Python sketch). It just used to irk me. Am I bitter? Perhaps, a little, but I want the place I go to worship to be a place of solace and comfort to me and I have to say I never found that in the Catholic church. Instead, I always used to be made to feel that I wasn't quite right, that I was *gasp* a sinner and unclean.

I am not going to start turning this blog into a soap box of my litanies against a faith I find to be dead and poor in Spirit. I just feel sometimes my truth (at least as I see it), is going to come out. I don't remember thinking as a little girl, when I was reading stories about The Christ, that he was a mean-spirited and intolerant man. That does not sound like the type of God I want to worship.

Round and round and round it goes, where it stops???

OK so there have been a couple of guys in this continuing saga of re-entering the dating field as it were. There's been plenty of advice - good advice too.

I am NOT in a hurry - not at all. I am taking my time - just trying to make friends - that's right I said friends. If things happen fine. If not that's fine too.

So there is this one gentleman in particular - he has earned the moniker of 'Mr. Sparkless'; he is a nice stable guy and there is hardly any chemistry between us - thus to me - he is 'sparkless'. He and I have been out 4 times. The second time he invited me to his house to meet his family - this was very uncomfortable for me - I could have said no, but he is the most non-threatening person I have ever met - so I went. It was nice, pleasant.

I have been very busy lately and, my cell phone is acting wonky. I have given this guy my work number, my cell number and he has an e-mail address on me (so it's not like he can not get in touch) - he is not getting my home number - no one is at this point. So we tried last Friday to get together - unfortunately the weather was horrific and we could not get together. Then the weekend was pretty busy for me and now this week has been really, really hectic. So I wrote to him on Wednesday night apologizing for just not being in touch as much. He wrote me back saying that he feels as though we are just old friends or just peers who get together occasionally and that he really likes me and he wants to know where we are going. (We are going to hell Mr. Sparkless, bring a fire-proof suit and plenty of water...sorry my sarcasm is so out of control).

Ya know......

Look - I just don't get it anymore - I must be whacked in the head. I am not mis-representing myself here. I tell these guys what's up, that I am in the process of ending my marriage, that I want to make some new FRIENDS (hello?????), that I NEED to go slowly! I don't force them to see me, I don't expect them to NOT see anyone else. Shit this same guy - Mr. Sparkless is on his personals account at Yahoo all the damned time (you can see if someone has been active) - so does he think I don't know he is out there looking??? I just don't get the pressure angle. I understand he likes me, that's great I am flattered, I really am. But I don't get the 'where are we going?' crap. I mean do we have to make a declaration, or sign something in blood here after 4 dates? IS THERE A 4 DATE RULE?????? .

The advice: Go slow, things don't need to happen right now. You have been through so much - just take it slow and heal yourself. One girlfriend told me the best advice she had ever gotten was from her attorney when she went through her divorce and that was - wait one year to date, if you date right now, the only thing you are going to attract is what you know. That was really interesting advice. I liked that. I have to say though, I am not attracting ANYONE even faintly resembling HIM. They are all pretty much polar opposites -probably because the people I am attracting are SANE.

My ex-husband (who offered the other day to pay for my filing fees) *laugh* (and no there is nothing going on between us - he just hates my husband)- at any rate he told me to just throw myself into the Yoga community and go back to classes and hang with all my Yoga buddies and see what happens there. But that's not a very Yogic thing to do and it's not realistic either. But I do need to get back into the swing of going to classes more than I have been - I have been honing a personal practice and not going to classes lately.

I think I am going to just use everyone's good advice here. I am going to stay true to myself. I am going to try to be alone for a bit. If I get asked out I am not going to necessarily say no - but I am not going to go into it with the attitude of 'finding anyone'. I have a hole in my psyche, I have a heavy heart and there is no need to fill myself up right now. I need to decompress. I need to re-learn Colette. Reconnect.

I don't need fodder for the blog. If I get approached to write a dating column, perhaps, but that's not going to happen.

I promise to keep the light on!

Jumping without a parachute

Today was my counseling session.

Nice lady - laid back - I actually liked her immediately. She listened but in an active way. SHE PARTICIPATED! I loved that.

I spilled my guts - literally - I don't think I took a breath. It's not that it was easy. I cried in my car afterwards. I think a dam just needed to burst.

We didn't go down the 'childhood path' as I refer to it - that will come later (I am sure)- she merely set me off by asking what brought me there. She got an earful (and a notepad full - she was taking notes)...

Towards the end of my session she said she had to ask me questions for intake purposes. She asked me if I was having a hard time focusing. I laughed and asked her "Well..what do you think?" Then I laughed again and told her that I felt I was lucky I had not jumped off of a building - she knew I was kidding....then I felt bad for having joked about such a thing. But she told me I had been through a lot and that it was surprising I was in as good shape as I was...I am not sure if she was trying to make me feel better. I did apologize for 'dumping' so much in the first session. She also asked me if I was angry. I was honest - yes I am angry. And I want to get to the bottom of that well and try to root it out and put it all in perspective.

During the session I told her I felt like my husband was blaming everything on his depression. (He does). I told her I felt like he was using it almost as a weapon. (I do feel that way).

My husband has been claiming lately that his depression made him do this (sort of the way one would say the devil made them do something). He is not saying what he did was right. He is merely saying he had no control over what he did. That the depression took his ability to choose away - in other words it took away his ability to just say no to having an affair.

Look I am sorry folks I don't mean to come off sounding this way and I REALLY want some comments on this one (a soundcheck - a reality check) - especially from those out there that I know know things about psychology and depression. If a person stops taking their meds,hides the fact that they are off of their meds from their wife and then they have an affair, is it the depression's fault or theirs? My point being that my husband is not a babbling idiot, he is not mad (as in the "Madness of King George"), he is not demented, he is not schizophrenic, he is depressed.

He was cognizant enough to keep a journal (weblog) of what he did (you can refer to my past posts where in the one journal he actually referred to me a his girlfriend not his wife)- so my question is was he so crazy, so depressed, that he actually believed his own lies? Or was it because the little bitch was reading all of his posts and he had to keep the game going? I mean I find this all too cunning for someone who claims they are so depressed. In fact I find it to be borderline personality disorder - not depression. I have close friends who are depressed. One of them when he heard what happened said to me 'When I am depressed I have no energy - I can't imagine having the energy for a wife AND a girlfriend."

I've asked my husband time and time again to talk to me about this subject - to clarify - but all I get from him is that he has no words and that I would not understand (but his girlfriend did!?!?!?) - um ok. On top of this he won't let me talk to his counselor about his own sessions - or even sit in one in order to help me to understand so where does that leave me? As usual in the limbo that has become this relationship. So I challenged him on this recently, and he told me to ask my counselor - she does not know enough yet to answer me in any real depth - nor does she know him - but I can tell you that she seemed to validate my sentiments - )or are they told to do that?)

Later in the day, my husband asked me about my session. I asked him if he really wanted to know what happened and if he really wanted to hear the truth. I told him about the session and how this has all made me feel and now we are not talking. He was very caustic about my feelings. Just shut them right out like they have no place in what's really going on...he took his anger about what I felt out on me. He was downright nasty.

Right now, I don't care if I ever see him or speak to him again.

I don't feel there is much hope for ever salvaging anything with him. Lately I have felt more and more like I need to just completely pull away. I don't want to see him - I don't really want to talk to him. I just feel he is hiding and lying and he has been all along. I mean if he really needs someone to talk to I am sure the little tramp can accomodate him (for a fee). (There's that pesky anger again...LOL).

As for me, bringing this all up just makes me feel sad and small and tired. I don't want to cry, but I am (I am crying right now as I type this)...I feel hopeless and helpless and victimized. I feel like all of the love I poured into this relationship was for naught and I am not the type of person who loves in order to get something in return - I just feel like I poured my soul into this relationship. I feel unloved, unwanted, I feel poor in spirit and in my heart. I am not even sure if I am feeling with my heart because I am pretty sure my heart is broken right now. And underneath - there is all the anger and the self-loathing and the confusion. It's all normal folks, it's all ugly.

Part of it makes me feel like I should just not love anymore. I can love from afar but not close up. I know a lot of us have those issues - the issues with vunerability and letting someone in - letting someone really love us. I don't want that to happen to me (I have never been that way before - I have always been able to give my heart - now I am beginning to wonder if I have done this too freely in the past).

I so desperately want to stay open to this to recognize it as my bruised ego - and to know that love is all around, hope is all around, God is all around and is working even through this to free me and to teach me and to reach me. Part of me does know this - somewhere.

More random observations

So....did everyone boycott the gas pumps today? I did - but only because I did not desperately need gas....got me to thinking - what am I doing to help with this problem.

Here are some suggestions - take them for what they are worth.

Is there some way we can possibly stop shooting ourselves in the foot in this country? Can we THINK about perhaps buying cars that are not gas-hogs? I live in Ohio - Ohio is pretty flat - unless you are living in the mountains why the hell do you need an SUV. Is there some way to send a message to the car manufacturers? Perhaps we should start trying harder to come up with other ways of getting around. How about bikes? how about giving tax incentives to people who use public transportation? how about renewable energy sources????? How about all of this and then some - how about walking? how about car-pooling? how about staying at home?. I mean was it only in the 60's that we worried about the environment? Look I know these things have been suggested before - but how many of you out there reading this - that is if there is anyone reading this - are doing these things?

OK if you are a soccer mom and you need to cart around 20 kids that's understandable - but stop using that SUV or Dodge Caravan all the time! Take a walk ladies, get your kids to ride their bikes. I rode my bike all over God's country when I was growing up and I lived in Pennsylvania then and I lived around real hills!!! Not these mamby-pamby things here in Ohio. Make your kids walk (in groups) - share the load. Work it out with the other moms.

Could it be possible for us to send a message to the Middle East and tell them to take their oil and shove it? Are we that strong? Are we that willing to make sacrifices? If I remember correctly when we fought wars in the past (WWI & WWII) - people like my grandparents and my parents did without. How about doing without gas-guzzling vehicles? How about trying to conserve? If it were water - if your city told you that you could only water your lawn on 2 days a week, due to a water shortage or, you were going to have to pay a stiff fine - you'd do it, right? Aren't we paying a stiff enough fine people?

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

Coming up next time - ranting and commentary about people who don't even know how to drive *smile* - gives me something to do while I wait for the next date.

More adventures in dating

It's more like adventures in navigating the personals.

I have a couple of men that I am 'talking' to. One of them really piques my interest. He is very very intelligent (as a sidebar I actually got sent a little note a man from one dating site accusing me - that's right I said accusing me - of finding brainy people sexy...um ok - guilty as charged I suppose - thanks for noticing).

So anyhow this intelligent guy is funny and sort of cute. He is older. He is well established, he is an entreprenuer and he holds 2 doctorates. COOL! We have gone out on exactly one date...(brunch and a day at the Museum of Art).

He is also confusing the hell out of me!!! He writes to me, flirting with me. Really cute stuff. Then he writes to me that he should not be interested in me because I am separated and not yet divorced. OK that's fair. However I don't lie in my profile. I TELL people I am separated. I mean all along, this guy has been writing to me, calling me, sending me his writing and poetry - now this? So I write him back and I tell him that I totally understand his hesitation and I don't blame him in the least. I also say that I don't see why we can't remain at least friends. I mean we both emjoy each other's company, we both find each other interesting. (I must be missing something here.) I brought up my 'observation' about men and women not being able to be friends. He said that he does not think when you have sexual tension going on that it is possible to be just friends. He also told me he liked me (yahoo!) but that he would be foolish to pursue me until I sort things out (*pout*). Again I don't blame him. Part of me though feels like I am being punished because I am separated from my husband. I am being honest with people and telling them my situation (not EVERYTHING)...but the important things. I guess there are people out there more comfortable with lying than I am...I don't know what part of my profile they are not reading or understanding. Like the part where I say I am separated and where I want to be friends to start and go very slowly???? What part of that do they not get? Perhaps I am being unfair here. I think what is happening as I have said - is that they are simply at a different space/place in their dating evolution and looking for something different than I am right now. But why are they writing to me? Is it just a screw fest out there?

Again with the it's just not time yet. I think I should just pull my profiles and find a rocking chair and wear a black dress until the proper amount of time has passed - making me fair game again.

Just a random observation

I don't trust women who put their feet into those very pointy small shoes. There's just something about it that troubles me - perhaps it goes along with the notion of what we as women are suppose to look like, that is, according to society - like how we are suppose to dress and act. I think I heard somewhere that some women (I will call them crazy) are actually getting operations to shorten their toes in order to fit thier feet into those shoes?!?!?!?!?!?.

I mean ok so there are shoe fetishes out there. Does that mean we have to be uncomfortable? I think one could compare this to men's neck ties. C'mon guys are those things comfortable? It's like a corporate noose around your neck. So if you aren't comfortable you must be grouchy, right? I can't imagine someone wearing shoes like that being well...very happy. Isn't there an old Eagles song called "Those Shoes"? *shrugs* perhaps the REALLY expensive ones ARE comfortable?

Now, I launch into this whole tirade about people who have the money to spend $300 (or more) on a pair of shoes. What's up with that??? I have a suggestion.You know how there are kids out there in the US of A whose parents can't afford to feed and clothe them? Well why not donate the money you were going to spend on those Prada shoes to a charity. Just one pair of shoes ladies? Can we afford that?

Open letter to my husband

I don’t know why I am even writing to you…you don’t like letters…you would rather we ‘talk’ *laugh* yet you can never seem to talk. So here it is…

My dreams – such as the one I told you about, are never lies or imaginings. I can not seem to get you to understand this, but when I dream enough about these things, when they are the same dream – which this was – it’s not just something embedded in my subconscious – and if you knew anything about dreams – you would know that dreams like this mean something…more. Did I ever tell you about the time that I dreamt my mom was dead, frozen in the snow? I dreamt that 2 years almost to the date of when she actually died. She died in January and the ground was frozen and they buried her in the snow…

So this dream, say what you will, is real. And the true litmus test is that my gut tells me this happened - not to mention her attitude about the whole thing - the games, the avoidance of telling the truth (but of course like you, she is probably just a compulsive liar) Yes indeed, this did happen between the two of you. And now here comes the shocker – are you ready???

THAT’S OK!!! That’s right – it’s ok that you had sex with an 18-year-old girl – it’s sick – but it’s ok. What is not ok is the constant lying you did, the constant covering up of your real feelings, the constant betrayal of me – your wife. All those things I had to find out about you through the Internet – I suppose you would rather I just turn a blind eye - let it all go, right? For what? So you can retreat back into your comfort zone? The problem with lies is that they don’t like the light.

You claim that you told me you were feeling neglected. I know you told me. At the time, I chalked it up to your whiny nature – and if you don’t think you whine ask your friends, because you do. Perhaps that was wrong of me. But, when you did tell me you were feeling that way, it ALWAYS centered around me doing something for my kids. As I have told you repeatedly, I am Mom first BEFORE I am your wife – I am their mother. That is mainly what I remember your complaining about, with the possible exception of your bitching about not being able to hang your artwork. And, when I did ask you what you wanted to hang and where you wanted to hang the art, you acted like a hurt puppy and never did do anything with the art. Finally (toward the end of our marriage), there was the tantrum you threw about going out to concerts and nightclubs - if I recall correctly you said you were going “whether you liked it or not!”
(I am assuming you would have been secretly meeting Erin – and I’d be right). So the way I see it, while you may have had some legitimate reasons for feeling neglected, you pretty much had it pretty damned good! You had a wife who was not too shabby looking, who is very intelligent, who was teaching and studying Yoga, and working a full time job, earning most of the money and, she did the brunt of the housework. And yet, you decided to toss it aside to be with an 18-year-old girl (and all the 75 other women you were ‘talking’ to and trying to meet on-line), who gave your ego a boost. So do I have any of this right?

I can tell you the exact moment our marriage was over – it was over before we began. It was over when you asked me to choose between you and my daughter and at that moment, I should have ended things. The really odd thing is that ultimately I kicked her out of my house to save our marriage – I was a fool.

I am tired of being your fool. I don’t think you are depressed the way you think you are. I am not saying you are not depressed – but then we are all depressed. I can match tit for tat every horrible thing you have had happen to you only I can do more because I have had more bad things happen to me. So what, we all have had shitty childhoods. The fact that you can’t keep your penis in your pants, whether figuratively or literally does not mean you are clinically depressed, it just means you are acting out, it means you have to heal, it means you have no self-control – that’s all it means. You use your depression as a shield to get around all the things you really need to do for yourself. Forget me, or your other obligations (do you not think of me as an obligation that you took on?), you need to do stuff for you. I hope someday you will do the things you need to do for you. I am not, apparently, one of those things you need to do for you. But then I should not be – as your little friend put it you should ‘find your happiness within’ – you claim you know this too – but yet you always put so much to bear on your external ways of getting your happiness.

We are not happy when we see each other. Our meetings are usually full of trepidation, hurt, anger. That’s not love. You probably think ‘Gee wonder what she will bitch about this time…’ and I am wondering why I am even seeing you in the first place. That’s not love. Look at it this way – it’s not like we are lovers anymore – frankly I kind of doubt we ever will be again. I mean I just can’t trust you – I don’t know where you have been or with whom.

Perhaps you did what you did out of hurt and neglect. I am not negating that – you felt the way you felt – it was real – you own it, and it’s your truth. What never gets discussed is what you did (really it boils down to what you did not do) and again, perhaps that was all a matter of your depression. But my dear, I have to say, you are not a great prize. You are lazy, you use excuses to get away with not doing things. You are not very mature. Again that is all OK. At one point I loved you enough to look past all of this (love IS blind). But now, you need to do your work (and I need to do mine) and we can’t be together like this. We are just spinning our wheels. It’s just too unhealthy. It’s not good for either of us. We fight. It makes you and I sick when we fight. Yet we fight. We need to step back. You need to regain you. I need to find me again. Maybe we will meet in the end and things will be ok. Who can say? But if we don’t step back, take the time we need, and regroup, we will never get to that point. It will always be like this and I don’t want this any more.

I hope you will find your support network. I hope you will talk to your friends – it’s much cheaper than therapy. They all want to talk to you – they all want to help. They feel like when you avoid this – it’s the big white elephant in the room and no one is talking about it. Again that’s up to you – it’s your life. But really, my dear, are those the kind of friendships you want to have? Surface friendships – where all that ever gets discussed is gaming and comic books? Perhaps that is your escape, but somehow I would think one needs a bit more substance from his true friends. Certainly you need it from your chosen life mate.

Whatever way you go – I hope you work things out. I really do. I do love and care about you. I always will. I just think right now you need more than I can give and I just think you need to be healthy before you can commit to a real relationship. You can have all the surface stuff you want or need without doing any of the work, again, that’s ok. But if you want to really love someone and you want that love returned – you are going to have to face your demons and heal yourself.

Colette

It's been a while

...and I have so much going on in my life. That's right I have a life. It is a life separate of all of this bullshit. It's the bullshit that crowds out the rest of my life, making my skies cloudy and 'don't it make my primarily green but hazel eyes blue...' *laugh*

I finally have an appointment to go talk to a 'professional'. I will post after that session. I had an appointment with my family doctor (finally) to discuss all the past events and she performed a PAP and has other blood work lined up to make sure I don't have a disease. I had this appointment lined up earlier but I ended up having to cancel. It was not good re-living what happened - it was a real unreal experience. But I girded my loins and I gritted my teeth and I did it - with only a slight hint at tears welling up in my eyes. My doctor of course made this very easy and I love her for the way she treated me - she is indeed one of the better physicians walking the planet. And she gave me good advice and she gave me a lot to think about and she helped me to answer some of my own questions - she helped me begin to heal....this whole process is a healing.

I also just had a wierd experience with the little 'brat'...apparently on her web-site, personal journal whatever the hell it is - which I will admit I do check from time to time - she left a msg that I am assuming (and perhaps this is wrong of me to do so) was directed at me. She told me to let this all go - that she has moved on with her life and therefore I should move on too. She also said that I should look for my happiness in myself not in others (how about that - wonder which pop star she got that little ditty from?). I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be counseled by someone as young as this girl as to how I should just drop everything and let it go. Perhaps I should take her along for my venipuncture tomorrow morning. Of course she IS right and she worded it so beautifully - so poetically. May she rot in Hades.

Yes I should get over this - not at the subtle suggestion from someone young enough to still be put over my knee and given the thrashing that her parents obviously neglected to administer. I should get over this for me. I am - for what it's worth - moving on. And for the record, I never did find my happiness in the asshole I was married to (I would dare say he is where most of my sorrow resides) - I found my happiness in myself thanks very much. I found it by raising my kids, by having a career, by going out and learning Yoga and by then getting certified to teach that to others - which by the way I will remind everyone - including the snot-faced bitch - is the excuse my husband used for why he felt so neglected and why my dear little trollop he was able to spend so much of his precious time with you - instead of attending to his own responsibilities.

Yes I AM getting over this - it does not mean I am going to be happy, or nice, or kind, or polite. I don't want to be bitter - but I do believe I have every fucking right to be angry - at him, at her and yes even at myself.

Oh yes baby I am getting over this. I am having some fun, I am laughing, I am seeing friends, I am 'smelling the roses and lilacs' as you put it my dear - thanks so much for telling me to do so...

Perhaps you should get over yourself because hon this was not all about you in fact it was hardly about you at all - you were - as you still are a victim of this - and from what I understand, from a rather reliable source on you, your idea of 'moving on' is to wreck another innocent's marriage - how proud you must be of yourself. Good job lady. How I envy your ability to 'get over things and move on'. I should be so lucky.

Take care kids - I love all of you. I will post again soon.

More adventures in dating to come - same batty time, same batty station.

Love,
Colette

When Words fail me, I use other's.....


Artist: Evanescence
Album: Daredevil Soundtrack
Title: My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though your still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me