Bring on the night

I often don't write much about music. Music plays a HUGE part in my life and it always has. From when I was very little and my mom gave me a record player at the age of 3 and I played my first Beatles album, to being forced to listen to the musical stylings of Nat King Cole, Sergio Franchi, Mario Lanza, Tony Bennett and others who helped form 'MY' American songbook. I love music - I sang in choir from an early age, sang in church, I 'crave'music - it tickles me to no end that my son is an aspiring musician.

Unlike other bloggers/live journal users, you won't see me write about what I am listening to 'at the moment' or daily - although I listen to music every day. I am more likely to post like this - a couple of 'things' I've been listening to over the past days/weeks. Or use song lyrics to strike up a mood on this blog.

This double album set from the movie of the same name ('Bring on the Night') - it Sting's first foray into solo music professionally. The movie is a wonderfully told story about the launch of his solo career. It's touching, and funny, and spirited (a lot of people think Sting is an arrogant bastard - and he probably is - but he is also a genius of music in my book); The really cool thing about this movie is that the band was able to hang out in the Palace of Versailles while recording. At one point, you see them playing full blast while a group of tourists are being led through the Palace, all the while being shouted at by the French tour guide - it's hysterical. So is the bit when they begin to play an rendition of the theme song to the Flintstones; The most touching scene is when Sting is in the hospital with his wife Trudy as she delivers their son Jake. I am hoping to replace my battered VHS copy I taped off of A&E with a DVD of this soon.

I am usually not big on watching concerts unless they are live (in other words with me in attendance), but this combines the best of concert, showmanship, social awareness and a documentary for your viewing pleasure - if you are a fan of his (like I am - and he's a Yogi to boot) - then this is a must see.  

Somtimes I pick the music & sometimes it picks me

I meant to say more about these musical choices at the time of the posting...I posted this as a comment to liam's comment previously...

The Wild Colonials was a purchase I made based on hearing 1 song from the album - it turned out to be one of my favourite albums - it's a really rich, ecletic blend. The woman singer has one of the most incredible voices I have ever heard - her cover of an old Billie Holiday song sends chills up my spine and tears down my cheeks every time I hear it - (Personal aside to Liam: I will burn you a copy and give it to you as a belated - fill in the blank - gift)

^_^

I will say more about these later.
 

This is one of my all time favourite movies and the soundtrack is just as haunting - especially the Sinead O'Connor piece: 'Thief of your heart' 

I basically just threw this one in for good measure - what I do is I take favourite songs that match my mood from certain albums and I put together CDs - these four just happened to capture the mood(s) I've been in lately 

It goes without saying that this is one of her most 'commerical' albums - it also happens to be my personal favourites - it speaks of love, desire, longing and obsession. 

Embarrassed by your President?

For those of you who are go here NOW! Let them know how you REALLY feel.

Becoming Colette

In the days of my youth –

I was an aspiring Goddess – aren’t all young women?

In my life I have traveled down many paths. This led me far and away from what my family had taught me (rammed down my throat). When I was a pre-teen I began a study of ancient mythologies and alternate avenues of worship. This is where I stumbled across Pagan/Wiccan practices. As I studied the lay of the land of this ancient/agriculturally-based way of living I began to form and grow in ways I am sure my Catholic relatives would have rather I not (well let’s just say the devout Italian Catholic side would not have approved). I did not realize that in some ways I was reconnecting to my own roots through the studies of the Celtic mythologies. I studied for a while – briefly really – then put it aside. As I grew and became an older teen and then a young woman I began ‘explore’ other things. Mainly sex, drugs and rock & roll. Again what young woman does not have her moments where she is thrown in with people she should not be with, situations that she really should avoid – but somehow I came out of this stronger, more determined and still hearing the siren song of my souls calling.

I had to move back home – go back to my father’s house after a stint out in the world on my own. It was not a comfortable ‘fit’ but I had no where else, at the time, to go and I was able to somewhat keep my ‘identity’ my father being a wise man and letting me come and go as I pleased. At one point, during this time, there was a man who came back into my life – actually because he had run into my sister one day and asked after me – she in turn gave me his phone number and I of course rang him up. He was a former English teacher at my former high school. He knew me during school because at one point, I took his science fiction class. He was an average teacher, but possessed a great mind. I did not know he was also an accomplished guitarist and very into music. The first time we got together we went to the park to ‘play frisbee’ – yes we played Frisbee for a little while but then we eventually took a break and he began to make romantic overtures towards me. Since I had always been attracted to this man (all the girls in our school were) – I did not deny him or myself this pleasure. It was only a kiss but the kiss carried quite a bit of passion – it was electric.

We went back to his place where I was absolutely amazed by his record collection. He rolled us a joint and we began to talk of many things – all a seeming prelude to starting a ‘relationship’. He asked me at one point if I had ever read any mythologies besides the Greek and Roman taught in school. I told him I had begun to ‘study’ a bit of the Celtic mythologies – he seemed pleased. He then gave me a copy of the Welsh ‘Mabinogion Tetralogy’ by Evangeline Walton – he told me to read it and let him know what I thought.

He then launched into an explanation of his ‘situation’ – it seemed that he was living with his ‘girlfriend’ but that they were trying to sort out whether or not they should get married. He said they had both agreed to let each other ‘date’ so that they could be sure about things. Keep in mind this was the 70s – things like this did happen (things like this happen today as well but most people aren’t up front about it) – I was young and I was a bit naïve but I did not feel I was being lied to or used. He even offered to let me talk to his girlfriend – I knew of her – she also attended our school and she graduated a year ahead of me. I had a feeling they had met back then. I remember her being a gorgeous strawberry-blonde girl. After our talk he got us each a glass of wine and we smoked a bit and I left.

I began reading the Welsh Mythology. I was very caught up in the ‘story’. The books were well done, well researched and yet you felt like you were ‘there’ it was all quite thrilling really. Much the way I would imagine the Harry Potter books today make people feel. (As an aside the Harry Potter books are amazing).

I agreed to see my old English teacher with an understanding. No strings attached. The MINUTE one of us felt like we were falling in love we had to end things. Secondly if he was going to ‘see’ me it had to be exclusive – I did not want to play ‘sloppy thirds’ as it were. We began to date. I began to read the part of the Mabinogion dealing with Rhiannon (the Goddess) and her human lover Pwyll, just as things began to really get intense between us sexually. At one point in our lovemaking he called me Rhiannon. I actually felt like a Goddess-incarnate. I know it sounds ‘crazy’ but somehow it wasn’t. I was flattered and frightened at the same time. Our following time together was even more intense and he told me he was falling in love with me. I called him the next day to say good-bye…

For a while I used the name of Rhiannon on line – it was my name when I was on the IRC. For years I ‘talked’ to others using that identity. I also used it in my magical work. Always identifying with the Welsh/Celtic Goddess that took on a human lover. Like her I felt powerful and somewhat helpless in the face of destiny, like her I knew if I danced to close to the fire I’d get burned.

Sometimes I daydream of writing about her from her perspective. Perhaps one day I will.

Years have passed and there have only been two other times in my life where something of that intensity has happened to me The first was when I really did turn back to my Pagan/Wiccan leanings – we were involved in a ceremony and I was the Priestess of our particular group – the Priest was a good friend who was married to another woman in the group – but the group had decided since he and I had had the most ‘experience’ we should lead. It was early spring; they lived in a wonderful house and had a fireplace outside. We all had had plenty of wine and even some Damiana-root tea – which I think helped to make things a bit headier. At any rate before and during the ceremony – there was definitely a very strong pull between my male counterpart and myself – I felt it, he felt it and I know everyone there felt it as well. This did not set well with his wife and soon afterwards, our group disbanded. I can’t describe the feelings I experienced and some of my fellow Wiccan readers may be able to identify with this. It was powerful and it seemed life changing at the time.

The second time in my life I have felt that powerful as a woman was with my ex. When we were first together – our passion, our love was like a house on fire. There was substance to it – but there was such a strong God/Goddess connection as well – it was hard to ignore. And it’s probably why I was so devastated by what happened – but then I suppose when you go from being a maiden to being a crone that’s bound to happen – LOL – all those old Gods drooling over those maidens – you’d think they’d have learned their lessons by now. *shrugs*

About 5 years ago, I saw my old teacher/lover in Hunan Restaurant on Coventry. (And yes the song that was playing in the back of my mind was Paul Simon’s ‘Still crazy after all these years’, I had gone in to pick up food and he was waiting to be seated. We looked each other right in the eyes. He knew me but didn’t acknowledge me at all – probably because his wife (the woman he did end up marrying was the woman he had been living with at the time) – was sitting there. He had not changed – she had. No longer was she the stunning young woman I remembered. I kind of felt sad. I walked out of the restaurant after paying for my ‘take out’. I think about him now and think about the passion and the intense heat of sexual power and being Rhiannon and becoming Colette…it seems only the names have changed. But there’s no innocence involved. There’s a wisdom born of life, of love, and of dancing near the fire.

The censors are coming! The censors are coming!

I have a bit of a problem. As I have indicated many times – I am ME – I am outspoken – I have opinions – usually they go against the ‘main stream’ but never do I act like a sheep.

On this work I call my blog – I have banned some people from commenting because I felt that their comments were nasty, destructive and frankly - since this is MY blog – I really did not care too much about what they had to say. For that reason I have also stopped anonymous commenting as well

With the internet being a sort of global forum you would think that there would be pockets where on can speak one’s mind – even if that is going to piss other people off or ‘offend’ others. I find there are a lot of message boards out there where there exists ‘heated’ discussions about various things; even arguments; even ‘flame wars; these things exist – I don’t think anyone can argue that point. I was asked to join a group on Yahoo – now for the record I tend to shy away from groups on Yahoo, mainly because, well no offense it’s Yahoo (why do you think they call it Yahoo – sorry but it’s how I feel). So while there are plenty of great groups and plenty of intelligent people out there – let’s just say I don’t think a discussion group on Yahoo is going to be all that earth-shaking or a source for the higher ‘truth’ as it were. But I joined this group (it was the amateur philosopher group – and when I say amateur...) – at any rate – right off the bat I start getting spam from a member of the group – all kinds of crap – I complained right away – the moderator saw no ‘harm’ in it but I kept insisting that it wasn’t philosophy and that if it didn’t stop I’d report it – not because I was trying to be a bitch mind you but because I don’t join a group to get ‘chain e-mails’ from some nerd.

As the group grew I found that some people were trying to discuss religion – they were in essence banned from doing so – yes they were at times proselytizing – and perhaps it was wise of the moderator to ‘ban’ them from discussing such things – but I noticed as time went on that more and more we were discussing only ‘safe’ issues in other words, we had to completely steer clear of ALL discussion of Religion, Politics, God – it was OK to talk about deities but only the ‘idea’ of them. A lot fo what was put on the board was not philosophy at all – in fact someone brought up time-travel – can someone out there explain to me how time travel is philosophy – oh sure they discussed about ‘changing the world’ by traveling back in time – but I don’t see that as philosophy either unless you are asking someone about the moral indications involved in altering a known history.

So yours truly decided when the Terri Schiavo case began to heat up to ask people what they thought in essence I asked about life – what constitutes life, when should you be considered dead or a ‘vegetable’, do you want your family or your government making choices for you. Well let’s just say this caused all kinds of hullabaloo on this board. I was told that in the future ‘we’ were not allowed to discuss such ‘social issues’ (um excuse me isn’t the nature of the discussion of philosophy helping us to figure out the big questions and social issues???) – so at any rate I retorted back to the group that we were discussing deities etc and that I felt that religion and politics and discussion of God WAS fodder for philosophical debate. THAT religion and politics in essence ARE based on certain PHILOSOPHY – well my comments were stricken from the message board. And we were all admonished again….

So I decided to write to the moderator and ‘state my case’ I said I did not understand how it would hurt us to discuss such issues and what was wrong with a little bit of heated debate. I pointed out that surely when people like Socrates, Hegel, Gurdjieff and Nietzsche were discussing their takes on ‘philosophy’ that there must have been arguments. He wrote back to say that ‘arguing’ never solved anything and that the ‘purpose’ of the group was to discuss ‘truth, possibility and probability - (and while I agree with that, I do not agree that debating issues and being passionate does not hurt anything – I mean people ‘argue’ their philosophies all the time – it’s what makes us unique) – I also told him I felt we were ½ stepping and only discussing 'safe’ issues – I further went on to ask why he felt there was only one version of the ‘truth’ and why did that version have to be ‘his’ or an American version of the truth. He admonished me that discussing politics was only a matter of discussing opinion – I laughed and informed him that basically that’s all philosophy and the discussion of philosophy entailed anyway pure and simple – it’s all opinion and the truth has a tendency to always be coloured by our own prejudices and that America certainly has not cornered the market on truth and justice – far from it in my humble ‘opinion’. So basically I told him a respectfully disagreed with his commandment that we only discuss certain issues. I also noticed as part of his signature file he had the following quote:
“ ~God bless America and a free Iraq!~” - So I have to wonder how someone with a signature file that has that can be un-biased and fair as well as a ‘truth seeker’. He’s entitled to his personal signature quote – but in answering people on the group he might want to table his personal war mongering quotes.

Today I realized that I am now banned from this group...

Yeah OK. Trouble-maker I am – I will be the first to admit it. I’ll be happy to wear that moniker. I’ve actually no problem with that – LOL – nor do I care that I am no longer a part of such a group – censorship to me smacks of well censorship and when we begin to censor people, freedom is lost. (PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT referring to peoples’ personal blogs) – and please don’t get me wrong I know it’s hard to be a moderator, I know it’s a ‘job’ and I know sometimes you have to keep people from being idiots on group boards – but you know what, telling people they can’t have a healthy debate – even when they disagree (I mean as long as everyone realizes they can’t get nasty with each other what’s the problem?) – or ban an entire discussion because someone might be ‘offended’ just strikes me as bullshit and certainly not an open forum. So a word of advice – if you are into discussing the real ideals of ‘philosophy’ – you may want to stay away from the amateurs.

What makes love...love?

Soundtrack for Romance (Part I)

Wishin' and Hopin' - Ani DiFranco
This Kiss - Faith Hill
You were meant for me - Jewel
Here with me - Dido
Possession - Sarah McLachlan
No matter what - Badfinger
Like lovers do - Heather Nova
Everything I own - Bread
You don't know me - Jann Arden
Always on my mind - Elvis Presley
Fly me to the Moon - Diana Krall
Precious and Few - Climax
Day after Day - Badfinger
Without you - Harry Nilson
The way you look tonight - Tony Bennett

***********************

I have always thought on love. Ever since I was little and knew of love - love between my parents, love of family, love of God (the greatest words in the New Testament to me are St. Paul's words on Love), love that I could imagine exsited between Ken and Barbie in their dream home; the kind of love/marriage that all little girls are taught to dream of (the key word in that phrase being the word DREAM). It's like cotton candy - sweet but no real substance.

But reality has a habit of beating the stuffings out of love. It's wonderful, delirous, breath-taking and then all of a sudden, the 'real world' seeps in and you are left disillusioned, empty, hurt, not quite so sure anymore. You begin, after a while of this self-inflicted torture wondering...

What in the hell am I thinking? Why would I do this to myself again? Knowingly??? And that's wherein lies the rub - allowing myself to be loved. It's not an easy task. It scares the hell out of me. I used to fall so easily - now it's like this tortuous, insurmountable task I face - my own private MT Fuji. A careful excursion, making sure I know where the exits are just in case....

Oh don't get me wrong, I feel I am WORTHY of love (we all are - all of us NEED love) - but what is it EXACTLY that we need? Do we need someone to physically touch us? Do we need someone to be our buddy? Do we need someone who understands us better than anyone else? Is it physical? Is it emotional? Is it spiritual?
What makes love...love? How do we fall - in love? And when we do, after the 'glow', the 'thrill', the 'rush' then what?

There's so many quotes, books, songs - I mean VOLUMES of shit about love - but what of love? Truly, deeply, madly. We all want that, don't we? How many of us would rather have a quiet, subdued, moment of recognition to that of a blaring, gyrating, in-your-face kind of love. Don't answer - just think...

I remember when recently, I was visiting a woman I became close to at work. She had lived a really horrid life. I mean in comparison to what she went through - my story seems like a walk in the park. Now-a-days she is lving her dream life with an incredible man - and no one deserves it more than she does. We were talking about re-entering the dating arena. She told me that she asked the universe to send her the perfect mate (for her). She gave me hints of what to do - but in reality I am totally clueless. I have been with enough 'different' men to know by now it's probably me and not them. In reality, I am sure it's both parties - we are all at fault and 'it takes two to tango' yadda, yadda, yadda - I can tell you in a minute what each of their flaws were - I am just as quick to articulate their 'good points' - but my failings - that's often a different story. I am demanding, I am outspoken, I don't back down easily. I think what has happened is that I had to become ME so early and survive so many different things that my character is somehow written in indelible ink and it makes me a difficult mate to 'deal' with - not lover - for I feel I can be a great lover - but when it comes to the day-to-day shit - that's another country heard from. It's like I want someone to be with but I want my space too...conflicting sides to the same person. It has to be confusing as hell and I wonder if in all the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus bull-shit - we are all guilty of these games and don't even realise.

So ultimately I think, at least for me, love would be learning how to be ordinary with someone. (Just an FYI - in one of the poems I wrote to my ex I told him how I never WANTED to become ORDINARY with him - because the 'romatic' me, the 'wild' and 'wanton' 'Colette' ME feared tediousness) - I am now beginning to realise I need to learn how to just 'be' with someone - let it come, let it breathe, let it grow. It's a daunting task - especially when for the most part the 'Colette' in me has always had passion - wanted the truly, deeply, madly crap. I just never realised how much it cost me in the end.

****************

And so I will leave you with the words to one of my favourite love songs (I've quoted this before on this blog) - because deep down I am hoping that even though I keep telling myself I MUST learn (or re-learn) how to be ordinary with my lovers and allow for our human-ness to co-exist in peaceful harmony - I don't want to lose the truly, deeply, madly, passion-filled love that (hopefully), is still to come in my life.

******************

Say, my love, I came to you
with best intentions
you laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction
Hey my love do you believe that we
might last a thousand years
or more if not for this?
our flesh and blood it ties
you and me right up
Tie me Down
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
These things we cannot change
Hey, my love, you came to me like
wine comes to this mouth
grown tired of water all the time
you quench my heart and you
quench my mind
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing
two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change
Oh, my love, I came to you
with best intentions
you laid down and gave to me just what
i'm seeking
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
things we cannot change...
things we cannot change


Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Album: Crash
Title: Two Step

Animal Magentism

This idea intrigues me – especially in the state I find myself in these days, emotionally, intellectually, sexually…

One of the conversations I had early on with one of the gentlemen I went out with was about the attraction factor of women. He said to me that women who are attractive give off pheromones (we all know about this – it’s nothing new), but he went on to say that if a woman is having problems or is ‘down & out’ she won’t seem as attractive to a potential suitor – sort of the old ‘they can smell trouble’.

I don’t know if that’s true, I am sure it can be proven somehow with enough scientific research. I DO know that suddenly I seem to be catching more gentlemen’s eyes and that somehow (at least a little bit) the flood gates are opening.

The thing with the really attractive Irish lad didn't seem to be panning out (he that was so desperate to ‘talk’ to me had suddenly grown ‘quiet’ and I KNOW the date went well). But that’s OK because I just feel something – I don’t want to say a light-heartedness, but something very close. A feeling of confidence and a letting go of the outcome – Goddess how good it feels to let go of having to ‘know’ how something’s going to be….it’s so very freeing.

So imagine my surpise when after writing to him to say - "thanks for the drink and I hope I am not coming across as desperate but I'd like to know if things are 'OK' not that I 'expect' anything from you but I was just curious" etc...and all of a sudden (after me holding my breath waiting to be told to fuck off) - he writes me back and not just any old e-mail either - but a real zinger. Kind of caught me off guard. I come home tonight and there is ANOTHER cool e-mail - hmmm - I am like WTF is going on here. Plus I feel a bit bad, like I've misjudged him or something because he is really very brilliant and I was not expecting him to be (Goddess I am such a bitch sometimes)that just sounds so bad - it's NOT that I really did not expect him to be smart - I was just shocked a bit at HOW smart he seems to be - let's just say I was really surprised by what he wrote....

Then there looms on the horizon yet another person. This one is very intriguing - and incredibly smart as well as being wordly (nice combination). I admire him, his thought process, his take on life, well a lot of 'who he is', actually. I am flattered and surprised by the way he writes to me and I feel close even though I barely know him. And the things he's shared with me (and in general with the world), make me think/feel we have a lot in common. I have to tell you that when it comes to men I want to be with - at this point in my life - I'd give my right arm (LOL which is cool because I am left-handed *grin*) - to actually spend some quality time with someone I have things in common with.

So all in all there's a bit of 'spring' on the air - as a woman's fancy turns to the same damn things men's fancies are drawn to. And it's really a breath of fresh air. I breathe it in very deeply and I thank the Goddess I remember how to breathe - now if only I can remember how to swim....

I am beginning to like myself and my life again.

A 'Trip' down memory lane, musically

I don’t usually listen to commercial radio anymore – oh sure there are times, like when my son’s in the car and he wants to hear ‘X-treme’ radio or hard rock and roll –but for the most part I listen to NPR or college radio.

This past week or so WNCX here in Cleveland has been running 'The 12 greatest years of Rock' – today they will be playing the #1 greatest year as voted on by their listeners the year being 1969. (As side here I’d like to tell WNCX that what would have been really cool to do on their web-site would have been to have a ‘play list’; I realize that’s pretty work intensive – but it would have been very cool)…

I was pleasantly surprised, hearing songs that I had nearly forgotten from my early teens. I was 13 years old in 1973 and the times were just as turbulent as they were during the early 60s – but somehow had managed to take on a more sinister edge with all the Richard Nixon bullshit and Watergate – proof positive that the old adage you can’t trust the government wasn’t just our drug-induced imaginings.

The year before, when I was 12, I protested the Vietnam conflict, had bitter fights at the dinner table with my father, desperately trying to explain to the ‘old’ man that it’s not suppose to be ‘My country right or wrong’. I watched young men getting eaten alive on TV night after night and coming home in those God-awful body bags. The only difference today is that the ‘conflict’ is not being televised – well it is but it’s relatively bloodless. I suppose it’s not in good form anymore to have Dan Rather on those front lines while they are shooting up our boys in the Middle-East – simply not good TV-to-watch-dinner-by….

The music help shaped my life, my fantasies, my imagination, my reason for ‘lighting up’, ‘turning on’, and ‘tuning out’ – I had a lot of fun, I had a lot of close calls. I lost some friends and I gained a lot of writing material for my memoirs.

I lost my mother, I found myself, I left my father’s house all in the span of just a few years. I started off on a journey of self-discovery that I hope and pray never ends.

I still listen to some of that ‘old time rock and roll’ – I’d like to think my taste in music has grown up a bit and it has…but there is nothing like hearing those songs again and having a sip of the bitter-sweet wine that flows like a river through my mind.

Brooklyn's Basquiat: Art from a Native Son

Brooklyn's Museum of Art is showcasing one of my favourite artists. 

Chicks...they're all the same  

To those who paint those chicken embryo orbs

A very happy hippity-hop

The last word on the Terri Schiavo case

Comes from my friend Liam and I quote his blog directly here:

"Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Terri Schiavo - My Two Cents!
I've been reading and watching this case as apparently most of America is. I'd have to say based on what I've read and heard, Terri should be allowed to pass away. The saddest part in this entire case for me is that she brought this upon herself and NO ONE did anything then to fix it.

Where was her family, husband AND parents when she was puking her guts out in 1990? This whole thing was brought on by her bulimia. At that time someone should have considered getting her treatment. What's lying in that bed in Florida is no longer Mrs. Schiavo. She "died" in 1990.

I remember sitting at my fathers bedside, when he was struggling for every breath and in a great deal of pain. It was horrible to watch him suffer like that, and in the end I had to tell him it was ok to let go, that I loved him and didn't want to see him suffering.

Yet Terri's parents are willing to let the empty shell of her continue to draw breath, and "live" in this world. This sounds to me like they are trying to assuage their own feelings of guilt for not noticing her problems in the beginning. In my opinion they are the ones being cruel here, not her husband who wants to let her go, let her pain and suffering end.

As for Congress and President Bush's role in all this... BUTT the FUCK OUT!! This is a private family matter having nothing whatsoever to do with you. "I prefer to err on the side of life." If that were really true, stop sending Americans over to Baghdad to die! You hypocritical piece of shit!

I strongly believe each and every one of us has the right to choose when and if to end our own life. Her husband has stated time and again she wouldn't want to continue like this. Of course her parents don't want her to die, what parent would? It speaks to your own failure in raising a child. No matter how old that child is.

My final thought to the Schindler's is this: Instead of running around holding press conferences, and exhausting legal outlets, why don't you sit with your daughter in her final hours, let her know that you love her, and look forward to seeing her again in heaven?

Let this poor long suffering woman die in peace! Is that so much to ask?"

posted by Liam

Well said my dear, well said.

Again, as we approach this holiest of weekends for those of the Christian faith - may this family find the strength they need to help them cope in the days ahead.

Terri Schiavo Case Provokes Blogging Storm

Terri Schiavo Case Provokes Blogging Storm

So bloggers are now being again brought into the media feeding frenzy with this? Somebody give me a break.

Last night as my son and I were just sitting around - well I was sitting around he was playing a melange of Beatles tunes on his guitar - I asked him about his feelings on this case. He said "It's none of our damned business, mom!" He went on to say not to worry that if I was in that state and I want to be let go he would honor my wishes. I thanked him but I asked him what he felt about the government interfering in this. Again he repeated 'none of anyone's damn business - especially the government'. I then told him what seems to be happening here is a debate over what constitutes life. He did not seem to know what to say to that.

A lot of us don't know what to say.

I am not a member of Terri's family. In my family I am sort of a black sheep. I am not one to hide behind politeness or political correctness. If this were my daughter I'd let her husband make the decision (I know I can't really and truly say that, 'cause it's not MY daughter - thank God) - but I feel that if it were I'd trust him. He loves her with all his heart, he's a good husband and dad. Of course knowing what I know about my daughter and son-in-law - she'd be kept alive.

My daughter called me over this case the other day and baited me (basically) - my daughter is a fundamentalist Christian. She asked me how I felt. I told her I was for pulling the plug. I went on to say that the husband had the right to choose that for his wife. She began to bring up 'life' - I asked her - "how is she living a life? How is this life?" I said to my daughter "is that what you'd want for me?" She said "well I'd want to keep you alive mom". I said to my daughter "I'd never want to live like that, I'd want you to let me go." I explained very gently to her that it's selfish to keep someone hooked to a machine when you know they don't want to live that way. And I said "Honey I don't ever want to live like that".

Then I asked her the ultimate question - I asked my daughter if she believed in God. She answered affirmatively. I said that I too believed in God. The I sad "I'll tell you what, let's unplug her and see what happens. If God wants her to live, she will live" stunned silence on the other end of the phone....

Nope none of us know what to do. Blogging about it doesn't bring about any epiphanies as always it's the right vs. the left - people insisting THEIR opinion's the 'right' one. What to do? I can't answer for Terri or her family. I DO know I want this media frenzy to end. Perhaps it's time for all of US to let go so this family can try to deal with this in peace. (But of course if the family is hoping by feeding this media blitz it's going to help their case why would they let go?)

Hard questions - no easy answers in sight.

Terri Schiavo, I hope when you do go gentle into that night - that your life will not be one that was lived in vain and that these memories that are being created now are NOT the ones that will frame your life in total. I pray you AND your family find peace.

The Onion - Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson

The Onion Reports
Thanks to my good friend C2 for this one.

DailyOM - Healing With Breathwork

DailyOM - Healing With Breathwork

Many thanks to George Nemeth over at Brewed Fresh Daily for this one. He's such a great resource for a lot of Yoga and alternative practice information.

THE DEVIL WILL BE DRIVING AN SUV

So today on my way in to work as I was exiting at my usual exit I noticed there was a large SUV that seemed to be edging over towards me. The way the exit is set up, you can exit or keep going (that’s the way it’s supposed to work on the freeway DUH) – so if you are exiting you are over to the right. In this case, though, this SUV decided that it (the woman driving it) was missing her exit and had to get over. So I kept driving which meant because she had decided to suddenly exit it must have seemed to her that she was being ‘cut off’ – not the case but who the hell am I to judge. So she decided to get on top of me (I drive a small fuel-efficient car) and lay on her horn and flip me off. So I flip her off in my rear-view mirror and mouth the words ‘idiot’ and ‘dumb blonde’ sorry but if the hair fits, wear it…

This infuriates this woman who begins to speed up and I can see her losing her mind in the rear view mirror. She is flipping me off and yelling at me (though I can’t hear her). At one point I come almost to a complete stop with no warning and look at her again in my rear-view mirror and tell her to get off my ass. She motions that I should pull over to the side of the road where she would do what??? Kick my ass I suppose….
I do no such thing. Then I notice she works where I work AND that she has a sticker indicating she parks where the doctors would park. So now not only do I consider her to be an idiot but she is a rich, privileged, I-drive-a-gas-guzzling-SUV-because-I-really-don’t-care,fake-blonde,diamond-encrusted-bitch on top of it. I actually begin to laugh because I can’t believe she is acting this way. I mean how stupid is this...this woman decided she missed her exit and because she can’t cut me off I somehow have managed to ruin her morning???

Sure hope she didn’t need to perform surgery.

Word of advice though: A friend of mine told me that the next time someone throws a tantrum or experiences road-rage and it's directed at you, you can call the cops on them. Good idea. Just make sure it’s not your PCP.

UPDATE- Schiavo case goes to appeals panel - Mar 22, 2005

CNN.com - Schiavo case goes to appeals panel - Mar 22, 2005

My question is many-fold here.

First of all why in heaven's name are her parents doing this???? Are they so despearate to keep her alive for their own selfish reasons that they MUST make a mockery out of our judicial system (not that it does not seem to do that pretty well on its own).

Secondly who is paying for all of this????

Lastly - wouldn't the best thing to be just to let her go home and be kept with some dignity. Feed her at home - if you want to...or here's a clue - let her go....I mean how long can she go on like this?

Sad it's really sad.

Yes it raises the great debate of what is life? How should we approach people's last wishes? etc. etc. Part of me however, feels it is a ploy by the right-wingers to again want to take away our rights to decide for ourselves if we want to live or die with dignity. Beware when the government gets involved in a case that should be kept amongst family - even if they are feuding. If the husband is the legal guardian of this woman then guess what Mom and Dad....time's up.

I don't mean to sound so cold and heartless but I find this incomprehensible that the parents of this woman want to go on seeing her like this day in and day out.

Oh and....

P.S. - Mr. President? Um can we PLEASE get to the domestic agenda that the ENTIRE COUNTRY wants you to pay attention to (you know like jobs and the economy), and not just this one family and their misguided emotion over their vegetative daughter???? HUH GEORGE?!?!?!?!? CAN WE?!?!?!? PRETTY PLEASE???????

These are a few of my favourite things....

What are you listening to Colette?

I actually have my ex to thank for turnng me onto this - oh sure I would have probably discovered the Buddha Bar CDs eventually - but one day he came home from a trip to the local library (and this must have been one of his 'real' trips there, not like the times he was telling me he was there and was actually hanging out with his 18-year-old-slut...) - at any rate he brought this home for moi and I have been hooked ever since. 

A splendid time is guaranteed for all...

The weekend was capped off by sitting with my son and viewing my birthday gift from him and his father - I will treasure this gift. I have managed to catch this in bits and pieces on the local PBS channel but there is nothing like actually watching the whole thing. Brilliant and so very touching.  

One of my dearest friends,Liam,had me over to his place this weekend and turned me onto the 'wonder' of "Wondefalls". Quirky, imaginative, and definitely not something you would typically find on 'regular' TV - which explains why it was cancelled (the bastards!) - yep give us a show where we might have to 'think' and then realise you are actually trying to 'dumb down the population' and all of a sudden the show is history - in favour of 'reality' programming. It's insane the way they 'program' us in this country.

I highly recommend this one - go out and rent it - it's like Northern Exposure meets the lighter side of Twin Peaks (*laughs* - if there ever WAS a lighter side to that show). 

Last-ditch bid in right-to-die case

Last-ditch bid in right-to-die case

This blog is nothing if not controversial….

I know this is a very emotionally charged issue on both sides of the feeding tube. However, I have to wonder what the House Committee is thinking by attempting to subpoena a nearly ‘vegetative’ person (if she can be called a person at this point – and I know some of you are shocked by my saying that). I mean is she going to be up for the ‘grilling’ – really? What are they trying to prove here?

So at the risk of not getting a response I want to know…

What do you guys think of this? What do you think of euthanasia? What about pulling the plug? (*laughs* there is a running joke between my girlfriend and I not to let my daughter and in her case her youngest daughter into the rooms if we are on life support because they would certainly ‘unplug’ us)…that said, I hope my family knows if I am a ‘vegetable’ that it’s OK to let me go….

Just curious…let me know how YOU feel.

A very Happy St. Pat's

May those who love us love us
And those who don't love us
May God turn their hearts,
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

--Irish Prayer


******************
As the "High Holy" day drawers near...let us take some time
to reflect:
Being Irish means...
* you will never play professional basketball
* you swear very well
* at least one of your cousins holds political office
* you think you sing very well
* you have no idea how to m ake a long story short
* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
* there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing
someone
* much of your food was boiled
* you have never hit your head on the ceiling
* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
* you're strangely poetic after a few beers
* you're poetic a lot
* you will be punched for no good reason...a lot
* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary
Catherine Elizabeth
* someone in your family is incredibly cheap
* it is more than likely you
* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking

* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"
* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in
talent, you make up for in frequency
* there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
kegger party
* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"
* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"
* if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"
* you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local
emergency room
and last but not least... Being Irish means...
* your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.
Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day!!
Let us be grateful and share what good we have.

****************
The Irish daughter....

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, " Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know
how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you
know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family! I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)... and
an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera, and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"


^_^

Peterson Judge Sentences Him to Death

Yahoo! News - Peterson Judge Sentences Him to Death

I suppose a lot of people feel justice has been served here.

I am not really big on the death penalty. Mainly because I feel all it is is state sanctioned murder; I feel further that putting people to death does not deter crime. I used to feel differently until I read 'Dead Man Walking', it seriously changed my views on the death penalty. But something about *this* particular case and to quote the judge 'the callousness' of Mr. Peterson sends chills to my heart. This man as far as I can tell shows absolutely no remorse for what he's done here - in fact if you ask me in most of the pictures I've seen of him he looks almost defiant. Grant it I don't know how I'd look either - but then I would not have the balls to do what he did either. I'd have just walked from my wife if I couldn't stand her/didn't love her anymore. The cruelty and horror of this crime is simply unnerving to me - especially when I look at my children and grandchildren - I mean how could he???

A parting of the ways....

I don’t know what happens to people; you think you know someone.

I’ve written in the past about this person – he is a long-distance friend (?). Well I guess not anymore. He was one of the first bloggers I talked with – and from there it blossomed into – I am not sure what it turned into and perhaps that’s the problem. We never defined it, never put our finger on it.

But I guess somehow I thought we’d always stay in touch. I thought I would always know him. Now there is just silence on the other end. It’s not that I expect anything from him. Hell, I don’t EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE anymore – nope not anymore – it’s too disappointing to be quite frank. You just can’t turn to people anymore and truly count on them. The only person you can count on is yourself. Sad but it’s true. It’s OK that it’s true – I suppose.

So I want to offer up a re-posting of some of what I wrote about this person – as an homage, as a good-bye. I really hope my dear everything in your life is OK – please know that I miss you and you will always hold a special place in my mind.

******************
Sex with a proper stranger

OK - now that I have your attention (don't you hate stuff like this?).

It's a question that begs to be asked. When we meet that person (and I am not talking about gratuitous sex here - I mean I know it still happens (if you are an idiot!)- but for the most part, the 70s and disco and Club54 that's all over, right?) - when you are dating someone and enough time passes, you are pretty comfortable and there is heat -I mean how well do we really know that person when we decide it's time. Are they not still really a stranger? Is that what makes it so - well hot? Is that what turns couples off to sex with each other, is the familiarity with their partner? And, is that why people have affairs in the first place, to 'spice' things up? Or are they just tired of trying over and over again and getting nowhere with their significant other? Obviously these questions intrigue me as I have been on both ends of the equation. I know when my marriage was ending and I met my current husband and had an affair, that I was pretty fed up (no excuse, though), I was at wits end and I had tried everything to get my husband to go get help with me...it did not work. You get tired of being alone. I don't think that was the case with my current situation - and some of you know the situation and can attest to what was going on - I know he has his 'side' but he did not try with me not at all because I would have saved this marriage. Enough of this prattle....

There is a man out there - I won't mention any names - I doubt if he, when or if he reads this, would know who he is - heck I doubt he would read this. I don't really know him all that well. There are people that I have 'met' through this blog. Suffice it to say that he has befriended me through all of this. We have never met, we probably never will. There is something there - a friendship but more than that. Perhaps it's because I feel close to him, perhaps it's because I have bared my soul and he has stood by me and given me comfort and not looked away (a lot of you have been there for me through this as well, but not quite like this). This has all happened over the internet - this has all happened since I broke up with my husband. It has been gradual and not rushed, it has been slow and almost a dance in it's very nature. He has lived through the same thing and it's like we speak the same language. In a way, he gives me the insight I need and the courage, to understand, to some extent, what my husband did and why.

I am not excusing affairs - anyone reading this please know that they hurt people - lot's of people - not just your spouses. I would never do this to anyone else's marriage. But I DO understand why it happens. On an adult level there is just sometimes, someone out there who 'gets you' better than anyone else.

It's like those romances that were sparked merely by a correspondence with another human being - in the days when writing letters was still a fashionable thing to do - oh how I mourn the passing of the written letter - it's an art form.

Or perhaps it's like the Edith Wharton story 'The Age of Innocence' you knew those character's felt that heat but they dare not act upon it - with the exception of a man bending his lips to touch them to a woman's pale wrist, half-hidden by a white glove...or perhaps one brief but passionate embrace (not even tainted by a kiss) and then no more...because it just wasn't proper back then.

Sometimes perhaps the worst affair, the most scorching love, isn't borne out of physical passion, it's emotional -it's a closeness that can't be defined by physicality, it's something much, much more. It's why I feel so betrayed - because he ultimately was closer to her than he was to his own wife. Probably she 'got him' better than I did...

To these types of relationships I want to leave you with the words of a song that I think of when I think of that kind of passion. (I know a lot of people think it's 'cheating' to list lyrics of songs). Sometimes song lyrics, like poems, are just so apropro...and this one, although the artist may have been thinking something totally different, and, although it does talk about being physical, seems to me to describe that kind of feeling, that longing, that nearness - so close that you are almost one with that person. Even if it is just a very close friendship.


**********************************************************

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time
the night is my companion,
and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

Artist: Sarah McLachlan
Album: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Title: Possession

Beware the Ides

…and my anger will come spilling out on this page like blood. Bright red, dulling to dark crimson, leaving an indelible mark that never quite fades.

One of these days I will learn how not to feed into this and my life will be better for it.

Every now and then I get ‘wind’ of HER (no not the girl that claims I think she ruined my life as she so snottily put it – but the girl who helped break up our family – that did not necessarily ‘ruin my life’ – *smirk* however, it DID seem to ruin my ex’s).

I can’t help but be angry because I think she is doing damage to yet another family. I don’t mean another wifey (because in this particular case the wife (spineless idiot that she is) is fine with all of this.) She fancies herself a person who specializes in psychology (I don’t know whether she actually IS a shrink or just pretends to be one, or is a LISW who thinks she’s a shrink) – either way, I don’t know how she can do the things she is doing to her kids. Here’s ‘daddy’ living with a 20 year old somewhere else, while mom holds down the fort. I suppose dad makes an appearance every couple of days to ‘visit’ his kids. Because I am pretty sure he’s not taking them to the hovel he lives in with the slut.

So here’s my question to Mr. ‘Abudabadu’ and Miss ‘Wanderslut’…are you having fun? Fun at the expense of a couple of innocent kids? Good for you. And, Mr. Abudabadu, what happens when your little wanderslut gets wanderlust and no longer is being kept satisfied by you? The old adage if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you comes to mind – or how about the possibility that she might want to get married or have kids? Not that you two should be allowed to breed. And likewise you little miss slut – I am sure since you are just such a bowl of cherries to live with (you and your fits of so-called ‘depression’ and melancholia), what happens when he gets sick of you? What am I thinking – you will probably move on to the next marriage to wreck. Because you have such a stellar set of moral values.

I think of these things in terms of crimes being committed against innocent people – and if you know of someone doing these types of things (for instance like this mother who is so readily putting her kids at risk, the dad, girlfriend do drugs etc – yep now THERE’S a healthy environment) – shouldn’t someone say something – report something? But to whom? The affair police? What can I say – it irritates me – none of my business (as usual), but knowing it’s going on and know that there’s one more set of kids out there being sacrificed to the whims of their parents really makes me angry. Hopefully someone or somebody is watching out for these children and will act on their behalf if it becomes necessary and hopefully it won’t be too late (but I think that time has passed).

So this is for all the kids out there whose parents are selfish and all the parents out there who stupidly think that their kids will get over it - they realy don't - and I know this from personal experience becuase I DID walk in those shoes. So remember the ones you hurt the most are those people that are the most undeserving of your actions.

Kismet...um er yeah that might be it

So today I got an e-mail from a really good friend of mine (and fellow namesake). She informed me through this e-mail that a man I had met back at the end of October/ early November at one of Cleveland's popular watering holes, prior to the John Kerry rally, (for those of you who want a glimpse back check out this post) has apparently been trying to get my phone number/get in touch with me!!!!!!

(OH REALLY!)

If I remember him correctly (and trust me I do) - he was cute, educated and a Kerry backer. Yes I was a bit put off by the way he reacted to my friends being there when they in fact were voting for Bush - but tensions were (still are)running high at that time and you can't blame a man for standing up for his beliefs (it means he has a spine).

The reason why I entitled this post Kismet is because a friend of mine and I were just having a conversation yesterday about how sad it is that the only way we seem to meet people anymore for dating purposes is on the Internet - not the old-fashioned way (like at a friend's house, or being introduced through friends). My friend actually suggested that people meet in places like bookstores and groceries - but I have to tell you folks even if I were to meet someone in a bookstore or grocery I am not sure I'd be too keen on giving them my phone number right off the bat. I mean there are a lot of wackos out there. This is why, (as my friend was so quick to point out) we have resorted to the internet or dating services instead of meeting people 'in person'. Oh sure, I am certain people still meet at bars (which is where I met this guy - but we weren't there to just be at the bar - because I am not into meeting guys at bars at all). So I truly believe this is a good sign for me, fate if you will - that there are no coincidences (although I really want to know why I am just now hearing of this) - still it was a bright note to my day.


We shall see. Send some positive energy my way kids.

Playing both ends against the middle - from the middle's perspective

I got a call yesterday from my daughter. I was sort of surprised only because a week ago we had a blow out on the phone – thanks for the most part to her little brother.

He is always pitting us against each other. In all honesty I don’t think he does this on purpose – or perhaps he does…

It all began when my son decided he wanted to go spend spring break with his sister. Since she had just had her second child, I felt a bit leery of sending him up there. Also her in-laws (with whom she lives) had decided to put the house on the market. In talking with my daughter about this she told me she was not sure if it was a good idea either. Needless to say I passed this along to my son.

So when my daughter called him last week and told him it was OK after all – he called me into the living room where he had her on the phone – shoved the phone at me and said “Here talk to your daughter” – I took the phone said hello and all of a sudden my daughter was yelling at me asking me why I had told my son he could not come visit her.

For a brief moment I wanted to ask her if having that second child had completely robbed her of all of her brain cells. I began engaging myself asking if she ‘remembered’ our conversation about how it might not be a ‘good idea’ for her brother to come up. She paused for a moment and then retorted “Well it’s fine now…” – I gave the phone back to my son, furious with the both of them and went upstairs. After he got off the phone I let him have it verbally telling him I no longer wanted to be put in the middle of such things and that from now on they had to work things out amongst themselves. He argued back for a bit but that seemed to be the end of it. I was angry with my daughter too but decided not to push the matter any further.

Well yesterday she called me to apologise. She said she got off of the phone and realised what I *was* talking about – and felt awful. She said she tried calling me at work a couple of days in a row to apologise but this was the first chance she had to actually get me on the phone. We both began laughing and I told her that part of this was her brother playing both ends against the middle (just the way they used to when they were kids only using Mom and Dad as the ‘middle’). I warned her to watch out for this from her own children.

It was so nice having that phone call. If you had any idea of what our relationship was ‘back in the day’ you’d be amazed by this conversation. As I was and I am so thankful that she and I can talk, and mend and bond with each other like this. Sometimes having children is a catalyst for everything that is meant to be in your life…you just never knew it – and while I never thought it would bring us this close – I thank God everyday for not only the gift of my grandchildren – but the restoration of my relationship with my daughter.

Scenes from a life less ordinary

On Sundays, my usual routine is to get out of bed, brew some coffee and drink a cup while watching the CBS Sunday Morning Magazine - this Sunday had a peice that was devoted to the 'come back' of photo booths. It seems everything retro is a hot item these days. This piece taked about the book that was compiled of photo booth pictures from Hillhaven Lodge - home of director Brett Ratner (of 'Rush Hour' fame). Mr. Ratner lives in the old mansion once owned by Ingrid Bergman.
He has an old-time photo booth (a really fun idea when you stop and think on it), and at one of his parties, captured photos of the Hollywood elite - thus the book. Definitely some funny, bizarre and really candid shots. I am sure that this book is worth checking out. (MTV has one of photo booth pictures as well.)

While this latest fad of the 'beautiful people' rages on, I thought the more interesting part of this particular report was the woman they talked to who collected 'old' photo booth pictures (from the 30s, 40s, and 50s)and has put together a book of that collection - now THOSE were neat pictures. A fleeting glimpse of days gone by; all captured in black & white.  

The best birthday gift...ever

Yes folks - it's almost that time of year again. The time when I am reminded that I was born into the wrong body, life, culture, time-space continuum - you name it.

I don't much like my birthday...I never have. Over the years - I guess you learn to live with it - I am certainly not thrilled with looking at the wrong side of 50 (it looms before me). Most of my life I never worried about how old I was - this year for some reason it's changed a bit. It's just a tiny shift in my perception but it's huge for some reason. Perhaps it's only because of what I've been through and even though I am pretty introspective (most of the time) - I guess I thought I'd be somewhere else - living a different life by now.

That's not to say I am not 'thrilled' to be here - in the 'now time' of my existence. I am blessed in many ways (more than I could possibly count or mention on any given day), and I am lucky to have a chance to express myself, to love and to be loved. One of the greatest 'gifts' in my life are my family and my friends and nothing points this out more to me than the post I just read on my dear friend Liam's blog

(I can not believe he wrote this about me - I am so humbled by this.):


"She Inspires Me!

One of my dearest friends is the authoress of "Dancing on Colette's Grave". She is an amazing woman who has survived a great many things in her life to reach the point she is at now.

I have admired her strength, her intellect, her capacity for love, and her resolve since the moment I met her. The last couple years have been some incredibly trying times for her. She's had to endure things I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Yet, she's still here. She never gives up on finding her dreams, and for that she will remain my inspiration forever.

So I dedicate this entry to her, and wish her a happy upcoming birthday. The world is a more beautiful place for having her in it!"

This man has been in my life for a long time now and I've always thought of him as family - another little brother. He is the personification of everything anyone would wish for in a friend. I hope he realises just how much he means to me.

Pleasantries

I had the chance to have lunch with my sister and my neice today. It was nice to get out and nice to visit with them. We don't see each other nearly enough.

My niece is a ball of energy. And she is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen...she is in a word 'stunning'. I'd post her picture if I had one digitally.

I can't believe my sister has a child this age. I would have absolutely no patience for this if it was me in her shoes. My sister handles it with grace and humour.

I look back on our lives growing up and I realise how lucky I am to be close with her today and have her in my life. In fact I am lucky to have all my siblings near me. It does not take away my wanting to move elsewhere. I am the only one besides my younger brother that's lived outside of the state. I guess part of me will always want to go other places and experience other things. Yes 'home' is nice too and I cherish the nearness of my family.

My sister and I were never what you would call close. In fact, things between us were downright nasty a lot of the time growing up - but when we got older and had our own children those 'things' changed and suddenly all the old jealousies and pettiness washed away and we began really (finally) becoming sisters. I think the fact that our mom was no longer around was a huge factor in making us realise that all the other stuff was bullshit and needed to be put aside.

The only regret I have is that I did not get to see my nephew as much as I would have liked (or my sister for that matter). I have such fond memories of being with my cousins when I was growing up. But all in all I am very close to my family and they are a Godsend to me and have stood by me through all of my trials and tribulations. I hope I have done the same for them over all these years.

I am hoping one weekend soon to 'steal' my sister away so we can just go out together and have some fun. Just the two of us...sisters reconnecting with each other....

I love you sis!

The weekend arrives to mixed reviews

Saw Veronica Guerin today....

Really mixed feelings abou this one. I have to laugh at myself because for the most part (being 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Italian) - I am all about the Irish side (with of course the exception that, like my mother, I am an excellent cook; and I have to tell you that even though my dad was an excellent cook too, Italian food leaves Irish food miles behind if you ask me)

So back to this film...

It was extremely hard to watch - I was crying at several points. I was angered and shocked. Then I began thinking about what Veronica was allowed to do - and I just could not help but feel that her death was as senseless and unnecessary, as the use of the drugs she was tying so hard to keep away from the teens of Dublin. The best review I read on this (just now) can be found here - on the whole it left me with a really bad taste in my mouth. As much as I wanted to admire this brave woman and her work - I could not help but feel that she crossed lines that she simply did not need to cross. 

The Silence is Deafening....

“Remain quiet.
Discover the harmony in your own being.
Embrace it.

If you can do this, you will gain everything.
And the world will become healthy again.
If you can’t you will be lost in the shadows forever.”

- Lao Tzu
***************

I am coming into a new spring. For those of you who live where I live or even in other parts of the States that is still slumbering under a blanket of snow, yes I know it does not seem like spring. But in my heart in my mind spring is just around the corner – it is almost here.

I am discovering new things about myself. That is a re-birth to me – of me. It’s happy.
I am finding that I am a student and I always will be; that as long as I am learning and discovering new things I can be content. I realize that no relationship is ever going to ‘make me’ or change the underlying me-ness of my true self. I am finding that I love teaching and it is truly a gift. And I knew that before but now I have some new students and I am moving into being a ‘private’ teacher and it is opening a whole new world to me. There is a recapture of confidence. I feel strong. I feel like a tigress and unflinching in my resolve.

****************

Work too has gotten a little better and so that’s a relief. I love my job – I want to continue the work I do. It’s important and it is also cutting edge and I thrive in those types of environments.

*****************

The dating thing is trying to rear its ugly head again. I just don’t know anymore. Because of the realisations I am coming to – it’s hard to think about going backwards. I don’t mean to say that ‘dating’ per se is moving backwards, however, it still just seems like a gauntlet thrown down in front of me and I don’t want to associated these things with challenges, or competitions (even if it’s a competition against myself).

There are a couple of people I’ve been ‘talking’ to but nothing really strikes me…like a thunderbolt. And I can’t seem to get out of the mind-set that that’s what it should be – but I am trying. What I want it to be is the stillness of my soul. Singing a new song – knowing all the words by heart because I was born with this song in my soul. For that I think, it’s going to take a bit of time.

****************

I want to spill out some anger onto this page as well. Not in this post. Perhaps not at all, once it passes over me, like so many dark clouds. I find that the anger feeds the tigress at times. I sometimes want to hold onto it – thinking it’s a useful tool – only I have to master it – or not….just so hard having all this conflict. Sometimes I want to excise my emotions like it’s a malignancy and just go on emptiness, nothingness. But to quote my favourite songstress from one of my favourite songs….

“I have never been a blue, calm sea….I have always been a storm”

Sometimes....

Sometimes a song captures my feelings beyter than any words I could ever think up let alone commit to my blog. This is an artist I admire as well - which is nice.

********************

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
THAT I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice

Dreams, fading to reality

I had a dream last nite….about a good friend (or at least I consider him to be a good friend). It was very sexual in nature - very sexual. This is not surprising. I have always been attracted to this guy. There’s just something about him, foreign, he is boyish and yet mature, light and dark combined.

We’d be a disaster – but there’s that attraction, still…a strong attraction (I am pretty sure on both ends).

Don’t know where this is coming from. *Laughs* maybe I just need sex?

*******************

I have been thinking, about relationships – how we all enter into them with our ideals, our perceptions, our demands, perhaps our hidden agendas.

I don’t know what happens. Love is a force to be reckoned with – but yet it is also a function of the biological imperative. It’s a double-edged sword. It really sucks - yet it is what brings us to a higher level, what redeems us, what makes men out of mice…

Like Jack Nicholson’s quote from ‘As good as it gets’ – ‘You make me want to be a better man”.

He said that to me once – I don’t believe him…

*sigh*

So what is it that happens to us in our relationships??? (NOTE: insert recurring theme of blog here). It’s like we fall in love/lust, everything is peachy-keen, we stay that way for a while in that dream-state, then something starts to happen. The toilet seat is left up, the tube is off the tooth-paste and it’s cause for WWIII. Or you expect your mate (husband in my case) to remain somehow sexless – they're not suppose to look at or lust after other women – I mean OK in *MY* case he went way overboard – but still. Is it not the function of a man (biologically) to pro-create and perhaps that’s why we see so many May-December romances? You know the old ball and chain gets dumpy – we aren’t fresh, exciting, sexy anymore and there you have it, they trade us in for a newer model. And it would seem – at least to me - there is nothing you can do about it either. It’s just a natural turn of events – something that’s somehow suppose to happen. So what’s a woman to do? Do we try to ‘beat them to the punch’? Take a younger lover? Leave our husbands for an older man? Become lesbians? What?

I can find that stillness within myself that makes all of this all so trivial, so much dreck. It does not completely take away the pain of betrayal. But it’s a comfort knowing that I know ME and nobody can take me from me. I mean sure my body is going to start to betray me – but it’s only flesh – it’s not my spirit. Yes I’d like to find a companion – it would be nice to have someone to talk to – someone to hold me…but somehow no one is going to be able to convince me that I won’t get hurt again. Stupid of me to want a guarantee – I KNOW there is NO GUARANTEE – but why is it I feel like there is simply no one out there who is going to be worthy of my trust, a good partner, someone who is really going to love *ME* and not stray. I mean I feel so stupid for wanting this. Why can’t I be more progressive, again trying to become Colette (whom I’ve admired since I began writing) – not minding the occasional fling, knowing it somehow has it’s place – but does it? Is the ONLY reason my mind recoils at this idea is because of STDs or worse, AIDS? Or is it something more insidious than that? The ultimate I don’t want to be left holding the bag again?

And of course *HE* is still out there in my universe too, trying to ‘reel’ me back in – what a farce – he used to write when he was cheating on me about how I (he referred to me then as his girl-friend in his on-line journal) – used to reel *HIM* in - well you know what, I am not a fish to be caught, or a prize to be won. There may still be remnants of love/like/familiarity in my heart towards this bastard, but like cob-webs it’s nothing that can’t be swept away with a good spring cleaning (hopefully that will appear in the form of a 'decent' man). ^_^

'Tired of this crap' rant - redux

I am taking a cue here from a fellow blogger (Linda at Auterrific) - whom I admire and think is just a wonderful, and highly-intellient person. If you go to her blog you will find a link to her policies, and I quote:


"This blog and all that is written here, unless otherwise noted, is copyrighted to me, Auterrific. If you decide that you must quote me, please give the appropriate credit.

Please feel free to e-mail me with the understanding that any or all of the e-mail content is subject to posting, unless specified otherwise.

This blog and its commenting system are currently open to all. However, having had a troll* a while back on my old blog, I am not opposed to banning people from commenting or from the site altogether.

If you have any questions, please e-mail me or leave a comment here.

Thank you.


* A troll is someone who purposefully attempts to cause harm to others, be they the author or any other person who posts a comment. They usually stray from the topic and their language is designed to do nothing more than insult the person they target. They will not be tolerated on this blog. Not now. Not ever!

ADDENDUM

Trolls are not necessarily just people who overtly present their insults. Their point is to derail just enough so that they can be accused of doing so, then become combatitive in nature as a "defense." That way, they get to express their disdain or disapproval of the author in a way that seems justified.

Blog owners/authors set forth the rules that are used on their sites...even if those rules are not posted. Bloggers reserve the right at any time to enforce or even change those rules. We have spent a lot of time designing, maintaining and spilling our souls to whatever degree interests us.

Look at it this way...this is my home on the Internet. This is where I come to share myself. This is a place where others can share themselves, even if their beliefs are contrary to mine. There is a way to do that respectfully. And if at any point that exchange becomes disrespectful, I reserve the right to say that I don't want that exchange any longer.

Again, this is my blog; my space. If I ask you to stop what you're doing, to leave, to not email me and post your comments publically, or whatever, I expect that you will honor my wishes. Quite simply, if my wishes are honored, yours will be too."

Please note that I feel the same exact way - THIS IS MY HOME ON THE INTERNET - treat it as such - these are MY policies as well. And that is why I said what I said about people leaving disparaging remarks on this blog. And that is also why I will no longer allow those types of comments on MY blog. There's simply no place for it here.

Rant done.

As ever,
Colette

Hysterical

I 'stole' this from this blog (which I will probably link to because it's a great blog). This one had me in stiches - really funny.

Enjoy!

********

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.

We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.

COLIN POWELL
Now, to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did NOT cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing the road?

JACQUES CHIRAC
We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether is has or has not crossed the road!

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken and its family.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

PAT BUCHANAN
T o steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

This hits really close to home

I've posted several new links on my sidebar over the past couple of weeks. There's some good stuff out there and I like to shre.

There is one certain blog in particular that I am linking to - mainly because I think she is an incredible writer - but also because,(if this stuff she blogs about is 'really' happening in her life),it hits really close to mirroring what happened in my life (except my husband wasn't a professor having an affair with a college student) - but I did play the role of the wife that was on the blind, receiving end of things.

Part of this is my own morbid curiosity - I want to see what happens - so sue me *smirk*. Part of it is because,(and some of you might not believe this - those that know me will), I am worried for this young woman. It's none of my business, but I don't want to see her,(or the creep's wife for that matter), get hurt. And they will - we all know that they will.

Yes it takes two to tango - but to me this older guy is simply put - a creep who is preying on her. I am not saying this young woman isn't smart, I am not calling her a victim - she's a grown up now. But age gives you a bit more wisdom and clarity and somehow you know the things out there that you should stay away from (like having affairs with married men) - and again - this is not a judgement or an indictment - they can do what they want (and EVERYBODY apparently does from what my view of the world is) - however when it all comes crumbling/tumbing down around them, I wonder how they are REALLY going to feel and if the damage and pain they are going to inflict on one another is worth the thrill of this moment.

The 'I'm tired of this crap' rant for the umpteenth time

Yep!

I thought it was safe to let just anyone commment on this blog - now I am done.
and in case that crazy idiot Chas (from post pasts) - is still reading, you got it buddy, it's called banning.

I consider myself to be fair, and tolerant - a nice person. Once again here come the anonymous people crawling from out of the wood-work to call me names or accuse me of being things I am not on my own blog. And I have had it. Period.

So from now on - you want to post - then I am going to know who you are. There are two posting systems on this blog - blogger's (which for the record sucks), and Haloscan (nice because of the controls it offers) - I know there are positng systems that you can use and 'review' the comments before you 'show' them on your blog but they cost, right? (An aside: if any of you know of a system like that that's free - let me know.) So if you 'decide' to be anonymous on Haloscan - I can DECIDE to ban your ass. Not that I truly care what anyone thinks about this but I will list my reasons:

1. Posting anonymously is cowardly - if you are going to have the balls to say something - say it to my face (figuratively) - otherwise shut the fuck up and keep your useless opinions to yourself - I have told people in MY very own life the same thing - it's like gossip folks - have the courage to tell them to their faces. I have had it with 'catty' people.

2. Get a fucking life. Once more this blog is not done for YOU - get YOUR OWN blog - there should be blogging etiquette - I don't think it's proper to go to someone's personal blog and tell them they are arrogant or low for THEIR opinions, wants, desires, needs. Again I am not a newspaper, I am not your local TV or radio station - you don't get to write letters to the editor complaining about the content HERE. And if you are that desperate to insult and criticise others - there are plenty of blogs that welcome it - mostly political blogs and idiots like Chas - go there, bait them.

3. How I feel about my PERSONAL life, my children, my family, my friends is none of your business. If you want to comment about those things be kind. Once again I would never go to anyone's blog and tear them apart, criticise their view-points etc. It's just not a nice thing to do. Remember how our mom's used to tell us if you can't say anything nice??? They were right. Blogging is a personal thing. I am not going to shut this away from the public just because you don't like me or what I am saying. You don't get to use my blog to get your rocks off - so do it on YOUR blog. I am not on here spreading viscious gossip. The things I say about what's happened in my life are MINE; they are the facts - you can check it out with the pople who know me - sure there are two sides to every story - I welcome the slut that made me start all of this AND my cheating husband to jump in the fray anytime to tell their sides of the story - but they won't. Why? Becuase they are cowards too and lies don't like the light of the truth. I own the things that have happened to me. They are my facts, my story. When crazies come on here and comment they are going to get addressed - or deleted. (Like the idiot that told me my mother dying in front of her 15-year-old daughter wasn't all that bad a thing - um yeah OK - go back to your nice little asylum now and leave the rest of us alone - banned her right away - sorry if that hurt the rest of the reading audience). I don't go around telling people what their 'reality' is and you shouldn't either - that's between them, their God, their psyche, and their shrink.

'Nuff said.

Have a nice day.

Colette

Things we don't always want to hear

And since checking out this site, I believe I have found a card and a 'reading' that while hard to take - is very appropriate of MY situation; (and when you think of it all of our situations) - when it comes to love and longing; not wanting to be alone and relationships. This is the reading that goes with this card:

This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: "We come alone into this world, we go alone." All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship.... That's why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man because she is beautiful, he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other. And there are people who don't fall in love with women or men--then they fall in love with money. They start moving into money or into a power trip, they become politicians. That too is avoiding your aloneness. If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised--all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.