Yoga inspired jewellery

Virtual Pastel

Very nice stuff...

All or nothing...

"Wisdom tells me I am nothing.

Love tells me I am everything.

And between the two my life flows."

- - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Waiting...

...yep. Just waiting...not sure why I am bothering to do so.

It's the other shoe - perhaps it's finally dropped.

This just in....

To go along with the Christmas music....

Apparently tonight on local station WEWS (Newschannel 5) - one of the anchors (Ted Henry) is going to have a segment about 'How to Get to Heaven'...

Um yeah OK...so now I need to tune into my local news station to figure out how to get to heaven??? HUH???

Film at 11

(sheesh)

Ho, Ho, Ho...

So now it’s back to the grind. And, to accompany that sense of futility/resignation, comes the Christmas music.

*snickers*

Now, my love ADORES Christmas music – me, not so much - at least not until I feel it's the appropriate 'time'. Try as I might to get into it, I am simply not ready for Christmas music. First of all : THERE IS NO SNOW ON THE GROUND!! Rule #1 there needs to be snow – or at least it not be 60° outside.

Little Drummer Boy by the Vienna Choir Boys is playing now – the song DOES tug at my heart strings, and it brings up memories of childhood....nice...now the John Lennon song 'And so this is Christmas, War is Over' - I LOVE this song...

The other part of the problem is that it’s not even December yet. I am in no hurry to see Christmas come, ushering in the craziness that is the holiday season. Too much to do, too many people to buy gifts for – not enough time or money to accomplish either.

As with my own Yoga students I give myself the ‘talk’ every year. The ‘just say no to the madness’ talk. Yet, try as I might, even I get caught up in the rush of the holidays. Take this year for instance. My friend Linda (the one from NYC) will be in from December 16th onwards. My ex sister-in-law is coming down from Vancouver, Canada to visit with us. My daughter may end up having her baby in December. I am suppose to (I think) go spend some time with Erin (which I am very much looking forward to), and, I have yet to know what is going on with my sister-in-law (my brother’s family) for they are usually the ones that host x-mas eve. I love going there for Christmas eve. Unfortunately, their own lives are a bit compromised this year and I am not sure we will be getting together which is sad.

My son does not care – one way or the other. Soon it will be time for he and I to decorate our tree – that’s probably the extent of that will happen as far as holidays – he will of course want to hang out with his Aunt Chrissy from Canada. Other than that he will be working and mainly hanging out with friends. So I might see him x-mas eve and then of course Christmas morning but other than that he will probably not be around – which is fine – he’s a young man – he has more interesting things to do than hang with his mother.

So part of me just wants to hibernate. Spend some quiet and quality time with Erin and that’s all – but that’s also a bit selfish and I love my friends and family and want to see them too. Yet the idea of hibernating under blankets, by a fire with the man I love still sounds like the best gift ever - so does a trip to Paris (hey a girl can dream can’t she?)...

^_^

Travelogue: Fini: Stardate 11-26-27-2006

Dream sequence: I am somewhere, I don't know where...it feels like Europe but I can't tell. I am with my mother, only I am as I am now - an adult. We are visiting a shrine/basilica - it feels like a shrine because we seem to be outside - in the open air. The colours of the frescoes that decorate this place are like a Raphaelite painting - bright yet pastel - I feel as if I am in the presence of angels, my mother and I are praying. Suddenly, there is a knock on a door...

I realise as I start out of the dream that it's Linda asking if she can come into her room (where I've been sleeping) to get some clothes. She is trying to get ready to go to church. I am caught in a very surreal moment. Linda tells me to go back to sleep but I realise I need to get up and go to mass, especially if I was jus tin a dream involving my mother and being in 'church'

We go to mass across the street at St. Agnes' - the church is beautiful - but badly in need of repair - you can tell it's a poor parish.

Got back from mass as noticed Erin had called - I spent time talking with him - he said he was in the middle of writing to me (YAY! I adore getting e-mail from Erin). We talk about the church and doctrine and I fall in love with him over the telephone.

Today so far is kind of quiet - Tony did not go to bed until 5AM so he is just now waking up at 3-4PM - like an idiot I did not take a much-needed nap. Dusk is beginning to settle and we discuss going out - I am working off of 5 1/2 hours sleep and I don't much feel like going out - but I have other souvenirs to get so I suppose I should...

Our last night in NYC - it's fitting - we decide to go to Little Italy. First, we stop to pick up some little gifts at the stands that are all over the place in these areas. It's so weird being in Little Italy and being waited on by Asian people. We do head over to China town too - to look around. Nothing is in English, so, considering all the unusual assortment of food stuffs, unless you can read the kanji, you have no clue as to what you are buying and unless you speak the language(s)(Cantonese, Mandarin even Thai/Cambodian), the vendors offer no help...

We head back to Little Italy to La Mela Restaurant - where unless you tell them differently the food is served family style. You will be served more food than you can possibly eat (even with 4 people) - I can hear my mom yelling at me about leaving food on my plate and starving people in India....too much food! WAY too much.

The restaurant's atmosphere is friends and family oriented and of course there is a young Romanesque Adonis serving us (*swoon*). All the food is fresh and made with love. At one point we are listening to the guys in the kitchen and someone is pounding veal - and it is going on for quite a while - so much so that Brett makes a comment - to which my son, unthinkingly begins describing how at the pizzeria where he works in Cleveland he can spend up to 2 1/2 hours 'beating meat'. I thought Linda was going to bring her iced tea and part of her meal through her nose with laughing so hard - soon we are all laughing so hard we are crying...the joke has several more incarnations over the evening.

We wander around Little Italy more, passing Umberto's where rumor has it some mob hits took place...finally, we head home. I take notice of Linda she's managed to beat cancer but seems to be struggling. She still has side affects from her ordeal. We stayed up a bit watching a movie, I wrote for a while, noticed Erin was on line and ended up calling him. I've really missed him and wished he could have been here with me - perhaps another time.

I went to sleep after writing and updating the blog. I was not tired in the least.


*******

Monday (last day here)...

Woke up around 9AM, took a shower, made coffee and woke Tony up. The plan was to head out and explore Linda's neighborhood a bit. We tried to hit a couple of the little boutiques, unfortunately many of them were not open or did not open until noon. The few I was able to get into were so pricey (lowest prices $120-140) that it was not worth the visit. We landed din a book store and I found a card for Erin and a magazine for Tony. I noticed that the book by Margaret Atwood that I've been wanting is out in paperback. Tony mentions wanting some pizza since he has not had any since we arrived in NYC. Linda takes us to a little neighborhood place that offers authentic, thin crust, Brooklyn pizza. I order calamari - all of the food is wonderful - we sit outside and eat (side note: the weather has been glorious while we've been here).

We finish and head back to Linda's to await the car service that will take us back to JFK.

I am a bit sad. I don't like leaving my dear friend. She means so very much to me. I know I will see her in a couple of weeks because she will come out to see her daughter and her recently born baby grand-daughters. There is even talk of her moving back. But I know how hard it is to leave NYC.

I reflect on this trip - on the grandeur and sheer humanity of this city which is not 'sanitized for your protection' nor will it ever be 'tidy' if you will - it will always be a bit raw, a bit raunchy and raucous - that's what it's about *thanks God/dess*.

I will miss New York. I am not sure I'd ever be content living here - perhaps given the right circumstances - but I am no longer a young woman and there's a certain amount of giving up, of relinquishing some things in order to live here..again an adage "It's a nice place to visit..." and it is. But, I am not the consummate artiste. I am not sure I want to live in such a big, impersonal city alone. There are things I'd miss too much from 'home'. New York IS an amazing, glorious place to be - to visit. So much to see and do and every time I come here, I fall in love all over again. Of course the right circumstances can make (or break) any situation - but for now I will say I am glad to be heading home, to the comfort of my own bed as well as back into the arms of the man I love.

New York will remain etched in my memory until fate/fortune allows me to return to her shores, her sights and sounds, her people, as ever a welcoming oasis in a pretty mundane existence.

Intermission

...from the 'Travelogue' - which I will finish up for you all soon.

I am home now, I am beat. Coming home is anticlimactic and sad and I wish I could turn around and go back...

*sighs*

Off to try to sleep now...wish me luck.

Travelogue (continued)

Stardate 11-23-24-25-2006

New York City:

Spending Thanksgiving with Linda and her family has been a blessing. I love sharing meals with the people I care about. Linda's family has always been like a second family. Sitting around and talking with everyone - especially now that my son is an adult makes everything even more special.

*********

Friday dawned sunny and bright - the weather is incredibly mild. We are off to Strawberry Fields, the John Lennon Memorial, Central Park, possibly the Guggenheim and beyond...

We got on the subway and had to switch trains at one point in order to get to Central Park, West. It took us a little bit and asking (like the tourists we are) for directions but eventually we made it to the Lennon Memorial. The mosaic of the word 'Imagine' surrounded by people. Then walking past the Dakota where he had been gunned down. That was for me a very difficult and poignant moment.

Tony decided he did not wish to go to the Guggenheim after all (bummer). So instead we walked around the area that encompasses Central Park. There were tons of people milling about - it was after all the shopping mecca of the East on the busiest shopping day of the year...

We tried to go into F.A.O. Schwartz (huge toy store) - unfortunately, the line to get in wrapped around the corner and down the street so we opted out (bummer). We then headed to Saint Patrick's Cathedral, one of the most beautiful Catholic churches in the US. I walked in and headed straight for the main alter. Tony & Linda did not apparently notice me doing this and stayed toward the back of the church. I think Linda headed to the gift shop. She sent Tony to track me down. My son found me as I wandered back up the main aisle - he began chastising me for 'getting lost' - um OK - now I know St. Pat's is huge but it's a contained place, I had no other place to go...

I took this opportunity to show my son around the different 'shrines' within the church. We went to see the 'Pieta' - we passed the entrance to the underground crypt where people like Pierre Toussaint, Bishop Fulton Sheen, and Terence Cooke (all in line for canonization) - the place reeks of the Catholic history of NYC. My son was extremely impressed with the magnificence of the church and the pipe organ - Catholic or not, if you ever get to New York you should really check out Saint Patrick's.

I too stopped in the gift shop to pick up some items for myself and my love. I also bought my son a St. Anthony's medal. I am not sure he will appreciate it - but I plan to get it blessed and give it to him as a talisman nonetheless.

We left the church and went to an Irish eatery called P.J. Moran's for a late lunch - it was nice but a bit pricey at $70 for 3 of us...

We then headed towards Time Square because Tony wanted to 'experience' the area - bad idea - again due to it being the biggest shopping day of the year it was far more crowded than usual. If airports are great places to 'people watch' then NYC is the capital of suck activity. So many people, speaking all different languages, having different backgrounds all sharing the common experience of being in one of the greatest cities in the world...

After wandering a bit we headed over to Bryant Park which was wonderful and a place I could have spent hours browsing through all the kiosk boutiques (as well as a small fortune) - but alas, my son got bored rather quickly and we left.

We headed home - if you are going to really spend some serious time in NYC, you really must learn to navigate the subway system in order to get around. Yes it's daunting but once you get the hang of it, it's pretty easy.

We got off near Linda's neighborhood and stopped at Vinny's a small Italian restaurant. Real Italian food - great little place...

Stayed up late this night ('till 2AM). The city is beckoning to me, rubbing off on me, calling me to come explore - I am not tired in the least as I write this down on paper - nor am I tired as I sit here transcribing even though I am working off of 5.5 hours of sleep - something about New York...and living out loud...I slowly begin to turn into a night owl again...and throw myself into writing.

*********

Slept in WAY late - until 11AM. Got up. Made coffee. Wrote more, talked over coffee with Linda (I could easily get used to this life - is it time to find a NY Times and look?)

The boys finally woke up around 2PM and Brett arranged for a car service to come pick us up. This was the night we were going to go to the East Village, and
Greenwich Village as well as other more 'hip' places...

We stopped at a store recommended by one of Tony's friends (Search and Destroy) great place to go if you are into hitting the punk clubs.

The East Village was filled with Bohemian shops and an atmosphere to match. I stopped into a Tibetan shop to peruse the oils. I felt so attune to this area, wandering under a crescent moon and finding a Moroccan boutique, buying oils to perfume my skin with to bring my love pleasure (as well as myself for scent is a very important part of who I am...)wearing oils that are as ancient as the culture that helped create civilisation...does something to me - it makes me feel exotic and in touch with a more primal inner woman/child...I become the harem girl...now if only I could find belly-dancing lessons...

We stopped at a coffee shop, briefly and then headed to The Slaughtered Lamb (think American Werewolf in London for dinner (I had the fish & chips). On the way to explore the other end of the Village, Brett took us to Papaya Dog - hot-dog stand (featured on the PBS special on hot dogs) - I even *gasp* ATE ONE!!! LOL - it was actually pretty good...

At that point, Linda decided to take her leave. Brett, Tony and I headed over to the Knitting Factory, a very avante garde club, one of the more 'in' places to hear and see upcoming and fresh new art/performance artists. We got to see Mixel Pixel - they were great and the opening act Valerie Geffner (local performance artist), was pretty interesting as well...

Afterwards, we walked through Tribecca then up to China town and then cut through Little Italy. Finally, we took the subway back. Wandering late at night - there IS no city on earth like NYC. There is a freedom to being out and partying and seeing a city so teeming with life, late night cafes, diners, all-night markets...people walking, talking, laughing, lovers sharing not-so-private-perhaps-they-should-get-a-room moments, the subways packed even at 1AM. I haven't been out and about like this in a big city in decades, it felt amazing, wonderful, almost like second nature and again here is it 2:30 AM - I need to stop journaling this 'adventure' so I can get up and go to mass in 7 hours...

Bonne nuit mes amis....

(more to come...again disregard the typos...I will fix later.)

Travelogue

Stardate: 11222006

Outer reaches of the 'Cleveland Colony'...

Setting course for the Big Apple Constellation

Cleveland Hopkins International:

Killing time before the flight to JFK, NYC.

Today at work I barely got done what I needed to do...

The day started off badly - I was irritated by finding yet ANOTHER e-mail from my ex. On top of that, I had 13 friggin e-mails about the same damned insurance billing issues - redundant - no one seemingly understanding or accepting my answer of: 'I am NOT a billing person and no, I don't know what happened at the lab to screw this all up...'.

My son's friend was kind enough to drive us to the airport. Laughing with the boys about life in general. (I actually had a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette - it was almost smooth enough to make me think about taking up the habit again - nah - that'll never happen)...

trying to recover from staying unexpectedly at Erin's last night - I got some rest (I've actually been sleeping better there - at least lately) But I woke up at 4:30 AM (could not breathe), he woke up too and related a dream to me involving a prison break (he was not a prisoner) - yet he broke into the prison and then had a sky-diving lesson - or at least that's what I *think* he said (I could have very well been dreaming this myself). I wanted to snuggle, but he went back to sleep...I however, could not. I am now in desperate need of a nap. Perhaps I can sleep a bit on the plane but I doubt it, I've never been able to before.

Called Erin, once I got to the airport, he seemed distant, distracted, I always go to a bad place when he's like that; being away is going to do me some good, but I can't always just 'go away' when I feel things taking a downward/weird turn....

So now, I am sitting here in Max & Erma's trying to get a bite to eat. Trying to stay awake, trying to not feel so disconnected, so disjointed.

My dear friend, Linda is so happy we are coming - I love NYC - and it will be nice to share the sights and the experience with my son...

Airports are great places to 'people watch' - strangers that somehow - whether you want to admit this or not - you become intertwined with - you are privy to their conversations (thanks to the wonder of modern technology - and we've all become so damned desensitised to this shit), to their fashion sense, to their reading material, and food choices (like the Indian girl sitting across from me eating pepperoni pizza). Listening to their cell p hone conversations (yeah like me just now sending Erin a txt msg - WTF - I am such an idiot/dork at times...).

Meanwhile, I sit here writing this all out on a pad of paper - I must seem an archaic throwback in comparison to them busy on their lap-tops - oh well, I LIKE being eccentric. I have recently decided (probably due to this trip) that I need to begin journaling again. It was one of the hallmarks of my relationship with my ex - but I now know this is something I NEED for me - it will help to clear my head of cobwebs, to 'catch thoughts' that might otherwise disappear, snippets, compositions. Some of my best writing flows into my head and then floats back out and I never capture any of it - journaling will help me to retain such things...

Went to the restroom. Overheard a little girl talking to the adult with her in the stall - at first just mundane stuff but then the little girl suddenly exclaims:

"You're not wearing any underwear????"

*wicked grin*

I'd have loved to have been there when they stepped out of the stall just to be able to give the adult a knowing wink and then watch the slow burn spread across their face...

(note to self: despite liking being 'original' I really must look into getting a lap-top).

OK now I am going to try to read until boarding...

******

3:45PM

Flight's been delayed an hour due to NYC gusty-windy conditions at JFK. I hate holiday travel sometimes...

I am noticing some 20-something-football-built-Cornell-t-shirt-wearing punk who keeps leaving his luggage unattended and I want to go report him. All around me are young people, priveledged, spoiled, dressed badly and behaving worse - it's annoying but then I am always being reminded of what idiots people are, these kids are just idiots in training. You would think by now we would have figured out some way to end the cycle...

I've called Linda to tell her we'll be delayed, she seems tired..

Today's been absolutely gorgeous - bright sunshine, no clouds, mild temperatures...I wish I was outside instead of stuck here in an airport. For the past 2 days the skies have been amazing. The sunrise as I left Erin's house was stupendous. Last night's sunset was breath-taking: pale-pink-gold-tinged heavens, graduating up to the deeper hues of purple and blue, dark clouds streaking across like splashes of paint. I actually called Erin to share this with him - he must think me such a git - and so strange, but I love sharing these moments with someone.

Tonight here in Cleveland, it promises to be another incredible sunset evolving into a clear twilight, dusk giving way to mid-night blue, velvet-draped skies dotted with brilliant stars and a sliver of a waning moon, silvery light - a luminous whisper...

We board the plane, finally. I settle in - there's a quote from the totally useless (really expensive-crap) Sky Mall magazine:

"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away"

Wow! Wisdom from a plaque advertised in the Sky Mall....go figure.

I notice the headline over another passenger's shoulder form the local newspaper: 'Robert Lockwood, Jr., dead...' - how sad - he was a blues giant.

So we sit on the tarmac for another hour - so the flight that was suppose to leave at 3:30 PM is leaving at 5:30 PM.

After take-off, I get to witness another glorious sunset, as the plane was bathed in gold and ochre...the light a thin line against the aqua horizon...

I did doze on the flight - cat-nap of about 45 minutes.

Arrived at JFK. Got our luggage. Headed outside into a damp-chill-to-the bone NYC night. We arrived at the cab stand and one was hailed for us. Got in to find (of course) an 'English-is-not-my-native-tongue' driver. His comments to me as I gave him the directions to Linda's (which included 2 cross streets as well as the address) was: 'Brooklyn is a big area' - I was irritable and tired so I almost snapped, 'So is NYC. WTF? Figure it out, *you're* the cab driver'. Instead I asked Can you PLEASE try to find it - we are not familiar ourselves. Then I called Linda for additional guidance - found out she was located in Carol Gardens off of Atlantic (but then a lot in Brooklyn is off of that major drag...).

It was good finally getting there and seeing Linda and her son, Brett. We put our bags away and headed out into the really cute area surrounding their neighborhood, with quaint shops and great little bistros and we landed at a bistro that specialises in Paninnis and had a nice meal and fun conversation.

Went back, called Erin, it was kind of late, so I felt bad - but he and the kids were still up - they had decorated their Christmas tree. I felt kind of wistful, wanting to be there myself.

Slept pretty well. Woke up to a dreary day - which was soon redeemed by the smell of a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. The aroma of fresh-roasted Turkey and dressing, pots of wonderfully rich coffee (one of my vices is good coffee)...and of course incredible company/family/friends and fellowship.

*******

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving day - that you ate too much turkey and cranberry dressing and that you shopped until you dropped. I am chronicalling my 'adventures' here and with post more later. (Ignore any typos - I will have to correct later...)

Blessings to you and yours.

C -

Happy Thanksgiving!

Colette is making her way to one of her favourite cities (*sighs* yes she wishes it was going to be Paris) – New York City!

Woo! Woo!

I will be going to NYC today after work and taking my son with me to visit a very dear friend. While there I will be showing my son the sights and sounds of the city that never sleeps; one of the greatest cities on earth – can’t wait.

I wish you all a very happy, blessed and safe holiday with the ones you love. Don’t eat too much.

Every year at this time I tell people (mainly my students) to just say no to the madness that seems to take over at this time of year, masquerading as ‘holiday obligations’. You don’t have to participate. You don’t have to drive yourself (and by extension, others) crazy. That’s not to say don’t give into the holiday season and the spirit of giving – but that does not mean you have to shop ‘till you drop, go into debt, spread yourself too thin and do too much. Just relax, breathe and try to remember what it’s all about, being thankful, family and traditions, loving and caring for each other, giving of yourself. Sometimes it’s not about the gifts under the tree, it’s about the gifts in your heart. Let grace surround you and embrace the grace within.

Namaste,
Colette

For my Mom

Today would have been her 82nd birthday.

I miss her so much.

Thanks mom, for being a wonderful mother, for teaching me to be true to myself, thanks for showing me how to be strong yet loving.

(Oh...and thanks for apparently sending me an angel - you'd love him - he's good to me. )

And ANOTHER thing

Yeah, can you tell I am kind of peeved today?

OK chain e-mails – this is going out to all of you out there who do this.

KNOCK IT OFF!

Are you that friggin’ bored? Really?? Do you need work to do? Come to me I will give you work to do.

I hate getting these things. I hate all the flowery ‘will you be my friend’, ‘if you break this chain someone’s dog is going to die a horrible death’ etc., etc.

KNOCK IT OFF!

Today I got one and just let me give you a little quote from it:

This is a test to see who your real friends are or if you are just
someone to talk to when they're bored...Send this to everybody on your
list including the person who sent it to you.

I just did...because you are my friend.

First I liked you, then I loved you, Now I'm afraid to lose you. If you
don't send this to everyone in your list you will lose the person you
love.

If I don't get this back I guess you are not my friend. If you have
alot of love for someone, copy and send this to your whole buddy list.

Thanks for being my friend

You know what???? I am not your fucking friend – not if you send me this shit. Friends don’t vaguely threaten you if you don’t e-mail them back, friends don’t imply that the ONLY way TO be their friend IS to do such shit. How sophomoric...what idiots.

KNOCK IT OFF!


(*END RANT*)

Passive agressive behaviours...

…drive me insane.

This all involves my ex. I have, since the break up of our marriage, been livid (well duh you guys can all read), been put through the ringer, tired throwing myself into the ‘Dating Game’, given up and then subsequently met and fallen in love with one of the most wonderful men in all Christendom (LOL – sorry inside joke there)...

During the time of our break up I was directing a lot of venom and hatred towards my ex. There was a love/hate relationship thing going on because I was the dumped not the dumper. But I managed to get passed that. As time went on every now and then we’d talk – get together – I’d help him with things. He always talked about wanting to get together with me – I always played that down. I did not lead him on – I did not make him believe there was hope – except that perhaps BY getting together with him to help take him to get his laundry done or maybe his grocery shopping (he does not have a car) – I did somehow (in his mind) lead him on. For that I am truly sorry. As my one good friend put it – with guys if they think there’s a chance they are going to latch onto that for all it’s worth – I do not know for certain this is a ‘gender-based issue’.

When I began to date Erin – I kept that from my ex – but I was pretty firm in not wanting to see him and I was very clear about me dating someone. As I fell in love, he found out who I was dating and had a conniption and started getting more frantic about wanting to see me. I told him over and over that I did not wish to see him, that I did not think we could be friends, that he did not respect my feelings about wanting to move on with my life (and my love). He seemed to calm down. Every now and then I would get phone calls – I’d try to be polite but distant at the same time. He’d ask to see me – I’d say no. He’d call me at work and I’d try to hurry him off the phone – he works at another facility that’s connected to my institution. Recently he’s been in one of his more depressed stages and he’s tried calling more. The other day he left me a msg on my voice mail at work – it came in at 10PM at night – telling me he missed me and he wanted to see me and wanted to ‘talk’ to me – he sounded desperate, near tears. That for some reason was it for me – it was the proverbial straw upon the camel’s over-laden back…I snapped. I told him off over the phone AND I wrote to him to tell him enough was enough. That he obviously does not understand that I don’t need the emotional blackmail, that we could not be friends because he could not respect me or listen to me telling him I did not wish to ‘see him’ anymore because he could not or would not stop trying to create a scenario that had us ‘getting back together’ – you know I don’t know what I expected or why I was being so stupid about being kind – after all he could not even bring himself to tell his own parents that we had gotten divorced – but then he could not manage to tell the strumpet he was with about him having a wife either – go figure.

All the while, Erin has offered to help – by answering my cell phone when the ex would call me. Recently (I think we were past 3 months of dating), Erin actually made some comment about it having been that long and the next time the ex called, he WAS going to answer – Erin was irritated, I was beside myself, my ex was being a fuck tard (I mean give it up man!). Well Saturday it happened; I had told Erin about the ex calling me and leaving the msg at work – I had told Erin about how I was at my wits end and wanted to not even deal with this anymore. While we were in Home Depot, he called and I handed the phone to Erin. He handled himself beautifully. He was nice but had an edge and was very clear. He told my ex to stop harassing me. My ex said something to the affect hat I was always thinking that people were ‘harassing me’ (um yeah OK). I did not get another phone call this weekend - at least not on my cell.

I came into work today to 2 msgs from my ex – he was livid about Erin answering my phone – in the msg he kept saying ‘We NEED to discuss this like adults. We NEED to talk – you know I am not harassing you – now this makes sense in terms of your past relationships’...

WTF?????????? He called again while I was at my desk – I did not pick up and I won’t - I wrote to him one last time and told him to leave me alone (for the last time)...I am praying he will finally stopand I am done being ‘nice’.

Police halt Old Bastards’ strip show

Police halt Old Bastards’ strip show

(Also Via C2)

...um OK...

C'Mon! Let the old guys have some fun, will ya?

*winks*

Brazilian model dies from anorexia

Brazilian model dies from anorexia

(Via C2)

OK this is going to sound bad - but in the picture she sure does not LOOK like she weighed only 88 pounds...however yes, this has gotten completely out of hand with women and body image and it's been this way for far too long and the damage it is doing to women/young girls everywhere needs to be stopped NOW!

Girls - I don't care what you MAY THINK guys want - they DON'T like stick figures - could some of you men out there PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE AND CHIME IN?!?! PLEASE!!!
The life you save might be your little sister's or someone else you love and care about.

Thanks!

Tastes like....PENGUIN!

For Erin (OK well not REALLY - but still...) - we really have to stop beating a dead um...penguin (*sheesh*)

^_^

Is he a good boyfriend

(Yeah..it's like Cosmo without buying the magazine - I usually HATE these things but I *needed* to post this - the 'weird' thing (and this is an inside comment that only HE will understand and she if she reads this) - is that I got this via Renee)

(*smirks*)

He's a Great Boyfriend

You guy definitely loves you and knows how to treat you right. You have a five star boyfriend - so make sure you treat him right too!

Is He a Good Boyfriend?

Photographs and Memories...

Now Listening to George Winston: 'December'


My sister recently sent me some more photos of my family....(thanks sis!)

Mainly, I am drawn to photos of my mom. She was so beautiful - drop-dead gorgeous actually (until she got 'sick' with heart disease).

This Monday, November 20th would have been her 82nd birthday.

I miss her a lot...I think I always will...

This one is of my mom with one of her best friends, my 'Aunt' Theresa - my mom is on the right:



In this one, my sister and I can not figure out for the life of us who the guy was - considering my mom's looks it was probably one of her many beaus:



This one was taken outside of my Italian grandmother's house in East Liberty (near Pittsburgh, PA) - my mom, my aunt Jada and my grandmother all posed like this for pictures which was really cool.



Lastly, this is one of our family right before my mom died (probably less than one year). From left to right, in the background, my sister Jeannine, my brother Kevin (with the 'I am about to do something really mischievous look on his face), my brother Bill, and in the red shirt with the where-the-heck-did-you-find-that-big-ugly-wooden-cross, looking quite the dorkette
is me, my dad is seated in the foreground, and my mom (looking very sickly) is next to me:

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!!!!!

O.J. really IS a lunatic

File under: 'You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!!!'

It's a joke, right????

Pitching Pebbles into a (Peaceful) Pond

Pitching Pebbles into a (Peaceful) Pond

...because I am lazy...

I usually do this in reverse - posting to here then cross-linking to my *other* journal.

(Keep in mind that the link above is to a special, more 'private' journal of mine and most of you won't have access to a lot the posts there. That journal was started for me to have a place to write about my blossoming love 'out of sight' as it were...but now I want to share it with the world and shout from the rooftops how much I love this man - yeah I know y'all are sick of hearing this....TOUGH!)

^_^

Stepping stones and milestones...

Streaming consciousness and observations...

(...did not sleep at all last night – I am so fucking tired…this is getting old…WTF???)

This weekend, spending quality time with my son; Having (as usual) wonderful and interesting conversations with him – laughing – being amazed at his insight and wit. Talking about music, politics, life in general. Taking him with me to Erin’s Sunday and he got to be around the kids for a little and brought his guitar to play. I am hoping for more interactions like this...

*********
Found out my friend, Scott (Yoga studio guy) – lost his father over the weekend. Last night I went to the funeral home to pay my respects. It was weird and uncomfortable. He’s now going through a divorce with his wife so there was tension in that respect. When he saw me he hugged me – a bit to tightly, a bit too long, I could sense her and her in-laws looking at me in that ‘other woman’ sort of way...

*shivers*

Of course it did not help when at various points, Scott brought up ‘dating me’ and finally at the end of the night as we hugged goodbye him telling me he was sorry he ‘missed his opportunity with me..’ Just weird; Peyton Place at Davis Funeral Home...

geez...

*********

Went over to be with my beloved Erin last night after the visit with Scott. I was there to give him a back rub; his neck, shoulders, back have been really bothering him. He has ‘issues’ that need some medical intervention. He is in pain a lot and it’s hard for me to see him (or for that matter, anyone I care for) suffer. I think I gave him a nice massage (LOL for an ‘unprofessional’ I am getting rather good at this)….afterwards he got a call asking him to run into the office for a bit. He asked me to stay there because he could not leave the kids alone. They were asleep in bed. He asked me to stay. I was willing to stay until he got home. He asked me to spend the night. WOW. This is the second time I have spent the night WHILE the kids were there. It’s HUGE to me – to him.

As we lie in bed together after he got back from the office, we talked – I will echo what he tells me – this feels ‘right’. There is an energy between us that continues to resonate within and through us, connecting us to each other and I am still amazed by the power of this love.

I have my doubts – I am human – I have a tendency (due to past relationships what-have-you) to fret a little to doubt the veracity of some situations – not my feelings I trust my gut. I’ve been told enough by friends/acquaintances, even strangers to stop looking a gift horse in the mouth, to stop ‘wondering’ if this is all going to work out...

There are definite issues though and the biggest one is age. It’s not that *I* care – it’s not that *HE* cares – it’s just what IS. I can see it causing potential problems. I can see it being an issue down the road. I don’t want this to stop anything because a slight potential exists for ‘issues’ – if things change they changes…it IS scary to me to be approaching the future at times without a road map. Flying by the seat of my pants with nothing but love and my faith to guide me – it’s also one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done...but then ALL love is risk. I have to say – I’ve never been so willing to gamble.

For a 'Sea Star'

My lovely daughter was born 24 years ago today at 5:29 PM in Houston, TX.

Happy Birthday Marissa!

In Greek your name translates to ‘Sea Star’ or ‘Star of the Sea’. That is not why I picked that name. You will laugh if you ever read this – but I picked your name when I was 4 months along with you – I was watching the movie ‘Barry Lyndon’ and the actress Marissa Berenson caught my eye – she was lovely and I fell in love with her name. I then looked up the meaning – and since one of my favourite places to be wasin Galveston on the Gulf of Mexico, so I thought the name was fitting.

Having you was the culmination of many months of tribulations. You did not come into this world easily (48 hours of DRY labour). I won’t go into all the gory details, nor will I write about all the tribulations experienced during my time of carrying you in my womb.

I will tell you that from the minute I knew you were inside of me/part of me that I fought for you – that I wanted you. I will tell you that you were long and gawky and you grew into a beautiful baby and a beautiful child. You were the apple of everyone’s eye. You were sweet and mischievous at the same time; Innocent yet knowing; Stubborn as a mule yet kind and loving.

I know you and I have had our moments. I know I worry about you and dwell on where you are in your life but deep down, like my mother knew of me, and her mother probably knew of her, I also KNOW you will survive – you are too scrappy and strong-willed to do anything else.

I love you with all my heart. I am proud of you. I long to see you happy, content, and successful in all your endeavors and I am sure you will be, for your are indeed a ‘Star’ in the true sense of the word..your brilliance shines on. I miss you and think of you every single day – you will always be my touch-stone for all those times when just by looking at your face I knew I had to keep going. I love you with all my heart and I always will.

Happy birthday to my darling daughter. May God bless you and keep you always safe in his care.

Circlet of Hope

Circlet of Hope

From Erin's journal

(*happy sigh*)

I am SUCH a dork for this man.

I feel so in love and so tender right now I could cry.

Pakistan 'Kidney Bazaar' Thrives

Pakistan 'Kidney Bazaar' Thrives

..BIZARRE and scary.

Thumb drives and oven clocks

Thumb drives and oven clocks

He's one of the most brilliant minds out there and he's owner of the blog of the week here on DOCG

Love you Darby!

"I Was a Teenage Dominatrix" - Salon

"I Was a Teenage Dominatrix" - Salon

...then of course there's what to do once you get to 'the ball' for entertainment...

*winks*

X-Rated

JT's Stockroom

Seriously - be careful clicking on the above link.

Then of course there's what to wear to (the) ball - unless of course the lady is of a more demure sensibility whereas she might choose this...

Yes...I've been told I have some 'kink'

Hanging with the Yeti...

...in her 'natural' habitat.

...and participating in the ritual mating dance of 'flippy cup'

*giggles*

It was an absolute blast my dear 'evil C2' thanks for inviting me...more on the soiree later.

C1

Koehn Sculptors

Koehn Sculptors

Traditions....

I don't have a lot of them anymore. I did have some when the kids were little.

As the holiday season approaches, I take stock of my life, of what's happening, of where I seem to be going.

Years ago, my dear friend Linda turned me onto the 'wood sculptors' Victoria and Norbert Koehn. Every year around this time they open up their home in South Euclid and they have Christmas ornaments, wreaths, creches, toys, nutcrackers and 'smokers' and all myriad of holiday accoutrements from every corner of the world. It's magical. Every room is decorated with different themed Christmas trees; there is music (usually the Vienna Choir Boys) playing in the background and there is a sacredness to the experience as Mr. & Mrs. Koehn are ecclesiastical artists. You feel like a guest - and you get to meet other people who are also experiencing the 'wonder' of the displays and perhaps bringing their family or friends and creating a new tradition.

It's been years since I've been there. I have someone (well a couple of someones) that are very special to me that I'd love to share this with this year...

I was also asked today what my favourite Christmas song was....

Believe it or not it's 'O Little Town of Bethlehem' as sung by Barbara Streisand - it took me until I was almost grown to realise the irony of a Jewish woman singing this song - yet I have never heard a more beautiful rendition.

It's followed closely by Silent Night - and for the record one of my favourite hymns is Ave Maria.

Ah yes it's going to be that time of year and for the first time in a very long time I am truly looking forward to this holiday season.

Here's to creating new traditions of joy.

^_^

The house from 'In Cold Blood'

House from 'In Cold Blood'

...is up for sale (via C2) - anyone want to buy it?

*shivers*

"Be With Me"

"Be With Me"

...tonight's movie...

A selection from the 2005 Cannes Film Festival.

Looks pretty intense...

Time sans E -

Last night Mr. C – hinted around about getting together. Didn’t happen *pouts* It looks like it will be tonight instead. Dinner – possibly a movie – I miss the hell out of him. Gonna have a good talk with him about staying in touch.

Tomorrow is a big party/blow-out on the West side for 3 of my favourite women – 2 of whom are celebrating a b-day. The elusive C2 will be there. It’s a shame Erin can’t tag along.

Sunday – I am suppose to go to mass with Erin and the kids (hopefully I will be functioning enough to do so) – the truth is I don’t really plan on getting that trashed – I don’t even like ‘getting drunk’ anymore. C2 has promised me a spot on her couch to crash…which is very kind of her. I am planning on having her actually talk on the phone to Erin so that he will believe she exists – but that might not convince him. (LOL)

On Monday, it is my daughter’s 24th birthday...I want to try to go see her next weekend if I can – not sure how I am going to do that. I might try to con someone else into going with me.

The following week I am in NYC (woo-hoo! Can’t wait!).

On the 24th, Erin and I will have ‘known’ each other for 5 months – unfortunately we will not be together for that or for Thanksgiving.

Well as ‘they’ say C’est la vie...time marches on...

Arlo, Arlo, Arlo!

Arlo Guthrie Live TODAY on NPR!!!

OMG!!!!!

I can't WAIT to hear this....I love this man.
I would gladly have his 'love child'...

(OK well it's too late now - I think...still I adore Arlo!)

^_^

Observations...

(Note: This was actually posted in another journal of mine - but I wanted it here as well...)

Listening to Delirium: Semantic Spaces: 'Metaphor'

About what else...

Relationships.

This whole 'journal' HERE was actually started because I began a new relationship - my blog was started because my old one died. There are things I've shared here with total strangers, and with the world about these feelings - there's even been private msgs for 'my love' both good AND bad.

I try really hard to NOT repeat the same patterns. I hate the idea of getting 'caught' again in these tender traps - sometimes I think I'd be better off alone - sometimes I actually hate the fucking idea/ideal of relationships. I think from the 'get go we' end up sabotaging them - for some reason it seems to be human nature - it can't be helped.

In my current relationship I feel a lot of time like I am 'pulling' or taking the lead. Perhaps because of the way it started...I gave HIM my phone number instead of letting him pursue me. That's probably because I saw something I wanted or really liked in him and he was 'flesh and bone' - not some 'ghost from the Internet - and certainly NOT an asshole - and I was interested. Of course I also gave another guy my number that day - he unfortunately wanted me to have his children (well not me but you get the gist) - he lost out (in my humble opinion).

In general I see relationships as pursuit until someone gets caught. No one wants to admit playing games yet that's all it ever seems like to me. I DON'T ever want to play games - I don't think he does either - but then we all 'say' that - don't we? Yet we are human we do stupid human tricks and sometimes we hurt people and we don't even know we are doing that....

It's like how do you know when to move closer? How do you know when to back off? If he does not call you does that mean he wants left alone? Do you 'show' him by not calling him, by 'ignoring' him for a few days? Isn't that playing a game? Yet you want to hear from him - not because your life isn't already filled up with useless/mind-numbing and sometimes interesting crap and even other people/friends/family, but because you WANT TO! When the fuck does that end? How long does it take to go from 60 to zero in a relationship? How do you keep the fires burning WITHOUT getting burned? How do you keep each other engaged AND interested without boring the living shit out of each other? To me it ends up being a conscious choice - the problem all ends up being things like schedules (everyone is busy TOO BUSY), kids, work, life in general - intruding on romance....who has time for romance? We MAKE the time, no? We decide whether it's a priority or not - and sometimes those priorities change - the question becomes do you get the warning that they are about to? Is it all just a matter of time? Time getting to know each other - to know each other's nuances, to know what the other needs, wants, does NOT want? How do you communicate your needs to each other without (in most women's cases - sorry girls) sounding whiny? Sure you can ask - but what if you do or you have and you keep ending up back at square one? Is that some sort of hint to walk/run away? To find something else/better?

I think about these things (LOL WAY TOO MUCH) - I ponder them - not worry - just wonder - I've seen so many relationships laid to waste. I've tried so hard to make 2 marriages work now and the 'cynic' in me rears her ugly head at times and whispers things into my 'ear' that my heart can hear.

I've read some brilliant articles recently on 'relationship' and suggestions for what to do when that 'fear' comes (as I called it my 'cynic' - cause ultimately she IS fear) - does it help? Hmmm good question. It's hard to decide. I want to give in but then part of me is scared to because of how passionate I am - because of how deeply I seem to fall in love - because I can't sometimes help myself and that fall can be a killer. I can sometimes have a hard time relaxing.

I'd like to think 'this is it' - but I've been wrong before. So the big question is 'How do you know this is THE ONE?'

Parenting...even when they're grown...

'Life goes on...long after the thrill of living is gone...'

May this famous ‘curse’ from the John Mellancamp song never visit you.

‘May you live in uninteresting times…..’

I had always hoped my joie de vivre would last throughout my life. Despite a lot of what’s happened with me – I have managed to keep my ‘zest’ my passion alive.

Unfortunately, what happens is that we have children. When our children suffer we suffer (well at least *I* do). There have been something(s) happening with my kids. My son is struggling with who he wants to be when he grows up. He is hanging out with kids that seem to be ‘lost’/without direction. We (his dad and I) have put our foot down about him starting school in January.

He’s been living like a grown up though without any of the responsibilities. He comes and goes as he pleases…sometimes not coming home at night – at these times he does not call me to let me know he is OK. I get no help from him, no cleaning; trying to get him to do ANYTHING is like pulling teeth (MINE!). He does not pay rent. I don’t like using the ‘back in the day’ crap with him however, when I was HIS age I had left home and I had MY OWN apartment. I lived hand-to-mouth. Sometimes I didn’t eat. NO ONE helped me. I made it on my own….when I DO mention these things he of course could care less. I am beginning to get tired of this scenario – yes he is my son, yes I love him – but when do you ‘push them out of the nest’? I think he should go to school elsewhere but he insists on staying ‘here’. I am willing to pay for his schooling but in return, I expect him to live by the ‘rules’ of the house. His dad expects the same from him but often times it’s a passive-aggressive situation between the two of them with no consistency – there is back up for me – but often times I am left feeling like the ‘bad guy’ or like I just ‘don’t get it’…I hate that.

My daughter is yet another country heard from. She is married to a young man who seems to be a religious zealot and who believes every word of the bible literally. He uses the bible to get her to ‘please him’, to stay pregnant (constantly) to the detriment of her health – by January of 2007 they will have 4 children UNDER 4 years old!; to isolate her, to not be a partner. Her cousin has related several ‘incidents’ of very subtle ‘abuse’. Waking her up (even though she is pregnant and has to deal with the 3 little ones ALONE most of the time), not letting her talk to her cousin at times on the phone. Now, perhaps I am over-reacting to these ‘rumours’. Perhaps I am re-living some of the abusive situations in my own life…reliving the fear.

She ‘confesses’ these ‘incidents’ to her cousin and it’s hard for me to ‘confront’ her without betraying the confidence. All I can do is what I already do by asking her if she is OK – by letting her know I am here to talk and by praying (yes to possibly the same God – but in this case I pray to the Goddess/Great Mother) to protect her and keep her from harm. Today, for the first time in I can’t tell you when I actually contemplated some ‘spell work’ – so if any of you sisters/brothers out there know of a good protection spell to use – other than the norm – or have some ideas as to what’s worked in the past for you/your loved ones – let me know – it’s appreciated.

May you never know fear for your children….but then who am I kidding.

Bright blessings to you all.

'60 Minutes' reporter Ed Bradley dies

'60 Minutes' reporter Ed Bradley dies

This is a great loss to true journalism. May you rest in peace, sir.

Urges

Right now I have an 'urge'/ ‘need’ to go sit in an ancient (or at least very old) church (Catholic) and sit in the cool quiet darkness and breath in incense and ‘feel’ the power, the flow of energy through me – perhaps it will help me ‘be still’. Stillness, quietude is what I crave right now.

I have the need to be held as well…but that’s another post.

Clouds in my coffee....

...which is just as bitter as my mood this morning...

Allegations, hints, and innuendos...

...yeah - I feel sick right about now...

I could really use someone to talk to.

A lesson in How to: 'Follow Your Bliss'...

A long time ago, I learned of the great Joseph Campbell and his studies and his simple yet profound message of 'Follow Your Bliss'....

Yet, most of us would not know 'Bliss' if it came up and bit us in the face.

Today, as part of the series of 'talks' given that I have 'access' to here at work was a psychologist who was discussing 'How to be Less Stressed' in your life - how to be happier in essence.

I missed part of the talk but was able to listen to a good portion. One of the aspects discussed was the way our society is geared towards things that cause general unhappiness/discontent. Such as:

* Having big egos
* Constantly being dissatisfied (always wanting more)
* Blaming others for your problems
* Resisting you own life
* Postponing Joy

The speaker discussed how to 'unlearn' worry (very big deal for me because I am a constant 'worrier'). He said you could allow yourself time each morning for worry (like you were a 'crack' addict) and then you had to let it go for the rest of the day.

He said another problem is our constant need for reassurance (guilty as charged) - that that too becomes addicting.

He mentioned that people with the 'Y' chromosome (not judging here gentlemen), have no idea (or a lot of 'difficulty') with how to 'actively listen' to their partners/family etc - and that their response is often tied to 'fixing things' vs. simply being compassionate and 'actively' listening (cause we ALL know sometimes there is NO fixing things...and sometimes guys, all your wife wants to hear (or receive as a 'gift') is that your HEARD her in the first place).

He talked about reconnecting to the 'HERE & NOW'

He discussed dealing with your reactions to things like anger. One 'exercise' was to imagine yourself reacting as badly as possibly and truly FEEL/SEE how that 'looks/feels' then re-play the same scenario with a different sort of outcome.

He discussed praise and forgiveness vs. criticism and blame as a way to 'operate' as human beings.

Here his 'formulae' for unhappiness:

* Complain as much as you possibly can
* Want more - more than you ever deserve - just keep wanting and wanting
* Be dissatisfied
* Stop Giving
* Resist Life
* Defend yourself and blame everyone else
* Postpone Happiness/Joy/Bliss

It all seems silly and ridiculous doesn't it???

Now - here's the 'recipe' for 'Contentment'

* Appreciate and Admire
* Want what you ALREADY have (think the Sheryl Crow song)
* Give
* Laugh, Love and Have Fun
* Accept things
* Be responsible
* Participate in active listening

As a Yoga teacher, I am always trying to give my students more than just merely the physical aspect/exercises involved in Yoga - there are other 'teachings'/practices. One such practice is known as 'Santosha' which translates to 'Contentment'. That's a big problem with a lot of us - we are not 'content' - if you take a look at both 'laundry' lists above - perhaps you can find where your own 'issues' lie and then try to use the 'recipe' to help yourself to 'harvest' your 'Bliss' and follow 'that path' where it leads....

The Henna Page

The Henna Page

Just an FYI - in case any of you are interested in practicing this art form yourselves.

Things that make me feel 'more' in love...

The look in his eyes...especially when he’s looking at me and smiling – or just looking at me period (he makes me blush)...

His concentration when he is working on his art – (or anything he concentrates on for that matter) - and lately, ‘painting’ me.

The ink on his fingers making me feel giddy with the knowledge that he is ACTUALLY an artist and has actually put his ART on my body...

His reading to me before we fall asleep in each other’s arms – and him stroking my hair/face, touching me while he is reading...

His getting up to make me coffee in the morning ‘just because’.

Talking together in the morning (over that cup of coffee or tea), before I have to leave to go to work – heck talking together ANYTIME...

His being kind and loving towards others...

(Yes I know this is sappy, yes I know I am a ‘dork’ for this guy. It’s weird for me too guys, but I am so happy – if you only knew...)

Towards...'A More Perfect Union'

A More Perfect Union

Excellent article on relationships and how to make them 'work'....

So many times, we simply don't *really* hear or 'listen' with compasison to our partner(s)....we are too busy with our own sense of fear, or percieved agenda - we aren't even being true to our 'TRUE SELVES'. If we slow down a bit and pay attention, not just in love relationships, but in all of our relationships, the reward is well worth the effort.

'Paint My Breasts with Sandalwood...'

Last night, despite being in pain, I taught my Yoga class (that was a real treat)....but my students were wonderful and as usual a lot of fun - I really like this group at the college.

Afterwards, I headed over to Erin's.

I had at one point asked him to 'paint me' (yes as in the exact words in the title of this post - although I really have to find some sandalwood paste for him to do this) - but mainly I meant for him to 'paint' on my body with Henna. He is after all, on top of all of his other myriad talents, an artist.

Last night, using pens, he 'inked' my body. This is what he put on my lower back:



There is another 'design' I'd like to have 'painted' on my body (unfortunately I am having a hard time 'displaying' it here)...suffice it to say there are many, many wonderful things you can do in this medium of inking skin that does not use 'needles or make a permanent tattoo - however it still remains to be seen (pun intended) how this is going to play out with the inks vs other methods...

I have lots of ideas - I am sure my love does as well - I'd really like to experiment with the Henna, mainly because it 'calls to me' in that ancient Sanskrit/Vedic/Hindu sort of way. Regardless, I can't wait to be his 'model' again.

Just call me 'Gimpy'

Today I had to go down to the podiatric clinic here because I had an ingrown nail – yes this is gross. I usually never have such problems but due to the toe accidentally being stepped on – it made matters worse.

So I managed to get a same day appointment to have it looked at – after looking at it – the doctor determined he needed to cut part of the nail out – out-patient/in-office procedure. The ‘killer’ was not that – it was the needles he had to insert into my toe to ‘numb’ the area WTF??? OW! OW! OW! Imagine getting the same kind of needle that the dentist uses for oral surgery stuck into and then probing your toe – OW! OW! OW! Jesus! (sorry)...

After that the procedure went relatively well. Although I also pointed out a ‘bump’ I have on the back of the heel of that same foot and I was told it was a bone spur – which in and of itself is not serious – however the doctor told me not to even have it removed (unless it really starts to bother me), because of where it’s placed and if I DO have to have it removed, they will actually have to cut my Achilles tendon and that would mean an ENTIRE YEAR of rehab.

Geez...

When it rains it seems to pour on me for some reason...


*********

For those keeping score at home – or for those of you who did not know. I am one of the youngest people here to have ever been diagnosed with Glaucoma.

The story was pretty frightening…several years ago; I had gone in for a routine eye exam. The ophthalmologist did my ‘pressure’ test – she audibly gasped. She then grabbed my arm and literally dragged me out of my chair and took me over to the ‘Glaucoma’ guy. Apparently I had been walking around for about 2 years with 30-40 pressure in my eyes (normal is in the 12-15 range). I was going blind. Literally. I had lost the upper range of my vision. Basically as it was explained to me, it was as if I was wearing a baseball cap and I could not see above the ‘brim’ of the cap – all of that vision was gone – permanently.

I went home crying. I had to be put on drops immediately to bring down the pressure in both eyes. It worked in my left eye – not in my right eye. As time progressed he began putting me on more and more ‘caustic’ combinations of eye drops. The last straw was when the one eye drop literally caused a feeling like acid was being poured into my eye and I immediately had tears streaming down my face, it also burned down my nose and throat. I read the package and found out it was going to change my eye colour. Now, I have hazel eyes that are primarily green. *I* think they are pretty and I was born with them (well actually I was born with violet eyes and they changed colour) – I came into the world with this colour and I was going out of the world with this colour. I immediately made an appointment and read him the riot act. I told him I was done with the drops and he needed something better. ‘Better’ turned out to be actually cutting my eye; It was a scary procedure but it was also a cure.

The day of the surgery my ex (Tony’s dad) took me to the eye institute. I was the youngest person there – old people were asking me what I was doing there. I was approached by an anesthaesiologist who asked me if I wanted to ‘be sedated or wide awake’ when he stuck the needles in my eye…um yeah ok you sick S&M bastard what do YOU think?

No one explained the procedure to me other than to tell me they would be cutting a tiny vent into my eye in order to relieve the pressure. So I was consciously sedated and my eye was numbed. I was draped and could not see what was going on. The procedure took like 15 minutes. When it was done at the very end it DID feel like someone was putting needles in my eye. I said OUCH! And the doctors said “OK you’re done”. He left the room. The resident began undraping me and I asked him when he was going to take the stuff off my right eye cause I could not see. He laughed and said "C – your right eye is wide open". I literally had one of the scariest moments in my life – tremulously I asked if they had made me blind – he laughed even harder (yes this was all so very funny) and said no, it was due to the fact that they had to deaden the nerves in my eye. I was able to see completely by the next day.

I healed nicely, and the glaucoma in that eye is gone – except I now have blocked tear ducts (which may also require surgery and were caused from – get this- THE FUCKING EYE DROPS!!!). I also have a ‘droopy’ eye which will need cosmetic surgery. As it stands, I do need surgery on the left eye – not because the drops don’t work (they do) but because I don’t want to keep using the drops in the left eye. To say I am hesitant would be an understatement. I also need someone to take me and care for me/nurse me a little – when this is done. I don’t like that idea. But I have to get these things done soon and I am pretty sure the smart thing is to get the left eye done BEFORE I get the cosmetic surgery on the right eye. The moral of the story is to make sure you REALLY talk to your doctors and find out all the ins and outs of the procedures you 'need' because sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Back to the Future....

In the back of my mind I have memories – they play in my head, projected onto my mind’s eye. These memories are triggered by any number of things – transporting me back to a ‘time/place and I can feel those same feelings surrounding the ‘event’ – even if it’s a different event – even without impetus. Somedays, I have my ‘Toronto’ memories playing – triggered by certain smells, or music, or just a ‘feeling’ out of random that takes me back to the times I spent in Toronto. Somedays it’s revisiting memories of my childhood – I call them my ‘Pittsburgh’ memories. Somedays it’s my ‘Galveston/Houston/New Orleans’ memories that come a calling...

Lately, I’ve been transported by the smell of fires burning…it’s fall now, bordering on the start of the winter season and people are burning fires in their hearths after coming in from raking up the fall leaves. The mornings are crisp and clear – the nights becoming colder yet the brilliance of the stars twinkle against the velvet dark backdrop of the night-time sky. The smell of burning wood fires evokes feelings of lying beside a fire – being with the person I love – making love – holding each other – keeping the cold and the night at bay.

I don’t want to write a revisionist history – I have so much going on right now that gives me joy. Yet I want to ‘hold on’ to the memories for I gather comfort and yes even strength from those images burned into my psyche. I also want to take the memories and create new scenarios – I have the desire to take my love to such places to show him ‘my life’/’my memories’ to give him just a glimpse into what helped ‘shape’ who I am today, to share places/times together and make new memories...

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”

John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"English singer & songwriter (1940 - 1980)

I want to busy myself with the living of my life and I want someone by my side to share the wonders of it all...

I voted today...

Did you?

Blood Moon Sestina

"Blood Moon Sestina" by Jennifer Hudock

A poem that could have been the 'twin-sister' to my feelings last night.

Sympathy

"Sympathy" by: Lucy A. Snyder

Some poetry to share with you guys this morning as I eat my decidely vegetarian breakfast of a pumpkin muffin and drink my coffee....

Decay...

Driving through the 'park' on my way home from work, I can't help but notice how the leaves seem to cling desperately to the trees....fighting against falling finally to the ground. The world will 'slumber' then until it's time to re-awaken in the spring.

I am reminded once again of decay. Of how things change, sometimes so slowly you don't even notice; Sometimes, seemingly overnight. For some reason I am feeling melancholy and distraught. Like something important is happening/going to happen and I need to be sitting up and paying attention. Life and change can be ever so subtle at times - just when you think you are safe, or you can breathe, the wind comes around to knock your leaves to the ground.

There are firsts here. The first time in the season when you can actually smell winter - the clean-washed smell of white snow on the air. The first time you realise it's dark where it used to be light. I feel the encroaching darkness and it seeps inside of me - I begin to wonder if I will make it though yet another harsh season to the other side and the promise of new life.

I am left wondering what I should be doing to 'prepare' - should I cling to what's left, or hibernate and leave behind that which seems to be be slowly dying anyway. The trees, flaunting their last bit of golden brilliance seem to taunt me but offer up no answers....

Maybe there just aren't any...

National Novel Writing Month

National Novel Writing Month

So...who out there wants to write a novel?

With me?

Mea Culpa...

(Now Listening to: Collide: Chasing the Ghost: 'Razor Sharp',
In the Nursery: Anatomy of a Poet: 'Hallucinations', Dead Can Dance: Aion: 'Saltarello', Miranda Sex Garden: Fairy Tales of Slavery: 'Havana Lied', and Enigma: 'Principles of Lust')

*sigh*

OK. So, this weekend was VERY special. On Friday after work, I got to go see Erin's little girl's soccer practice - it was an honour to be invited. I even sat with his ex and had a nice conversation(really nice). Then, he and I and the kids left to drive down to Akron for (yeah, are you ready for this?) - a gaming convention!!!

(mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa)

We spent the night at the Quality Inn (which did not live up to the 'Quality' moniker). Erin booked us a suite of rooms. We had a living room, 2 bedrooms (with 2 double beds in one room and a King-sized bed in the other) and 2 full baths and 1 1/2 bath - the price was incredibly reasonable so, if you ever have a need to go get a 'party' room down in Kent/Akron area, check out the Quality Inn down there...

Erin's daughter had passed out in the back seat so when we arrived we had to put her to bed. He and his son and I stayed up and played a board game: Carcassonne - it was a lot of fun - I was new to this game (as I am to a lot of newer board/card games in the 'Gamer' realm) and still enjoyed it immensely - I *almost* won (yes only in hand-grenades, horseshoes and the back seats of cars does 'almost' count) - next time I plan on kicking some serious ass. (Details about this game can be found HERE )

We retired for (from) the night - I was pleasantly surprised that we spent the night within sight/sound of the kids (instead of me having my 'own' room) this was a first, and a HUGE step in this relationship and as we lie in bed together, he held me in his arms and told me things that made/make my heart flutter. (Oh Erin...)

I don't sleep well in strange places (I've become convinced I perhaps may have a touch of insomnia - Goddess I hope not) - but I've especially never slept well in hotel rooms, never. This was no exception. So being awoken at like (I think) 7AM would have normally landed anyone else in hot water with me...but since it was my love and since well he um...er...(geez I can't believe I am blushing as I type this)...ok that's as much info as you guys get - do the math.

The kids were wonderful to wake up with and raring to go to the con. We all headed over and, after a nondescript breakfast, began our day.

I was pleased to see one of my favourite artists Nigel Sade there, displaying and selling his work. Not only is he 'eye candy' - he's a great person too. His children were there as well - lovely, well behaved kids. I have to say I was very impressed with all the events they had to keep the kids occupied. It was very family friendly. Nice. I spent most of my day hanging out with Erin's daughter. I really enjoyed getting to see her play and enjoy herself. Erin himself was busy running games - namely:
Munchkin . Meanwhile, his son spent most of the day participating in a card tourney. We all had fun and at the end of the day, Erin, his son and I participated in a role-playing game called 'Toon' where you get to play cartoon characters on a 'mission' (I was FiFi the French Feline). We laughed a lot. I look forward to playing again. Of course, by the time we got to 'gaming', my brain was 'toast' from lack of sleep, so I probably was not at my most 'creative' when it came to my imagination for gaming.

All in all the day was wonderful and I'd do it all again (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa).

*******

Today was my son's very, very belated birthday/graduation-from-high-school party. Our family and some very close friends were invited to help us celebrate. What my son wanted was for everyone to go to the Cleveland Museum of Art to see 'Barcelona!' the current exhibit, featuring Pablo Picasso, Miro, and Dali. I had also asked Erin if he wanted to come along and bring his kids to the museum AND the 'party' afterwards. Boy was I thrilled when he agreed. Of course it's a lot to ask to meet my entire 'family' at one sitting - but I consider Erin and his children an extension of my family now (which is really amazing and incredible to me), and so I wanted them to feel welcome and comfortable and I hope they did. At any rate the only people who went to the exhibit were Tony, his dad, my brother, (me), and eventually Erin and his kids. Nice exhibit - it cost a bit, but to me it was worth it to see the art - very well put-together. Then we went up the hill to go have Italian and meet the rest of the family and friends. We were suppose to go to Mamma Santas but (and I swear to you guys I did not know this), they were closed today (on Sundays) - go figure. Instead, (thanks to my wonderful sister, Jeannine), we were able to go to a nice place called 'Anthony's' - appropriate considering it was for Tony. We all had a grand time - the food was good, the company was wonderful, and I think everyone enjoyed the 'party'. Except Erin is now convinced that my friend C2 does not exist because she was suppose to show up (and she very well may have at the exhibit but I did not see her) - so now, the running joke was that she is my 'imaginary friend' (great just what I need, more 'proof' that I am crazy...).

I want to thank ALL of you for coming and helping us celebrate these milestones in my son's life. You all mean so much to me - I am lucky to call you 'family'. To my love and his children - thanks for joining us - I know this stuff can be overwhelming. I had to laugh as they were pulling away my sister R - turned to me and said: 'DO you think we scared him off' to which my ex-husband (Tony's dad) laughingly replied: 'No we couldn't have, we didn't act like ourselves.' My sister-in-law replied: 'Well no, we can't do THAT in public' - we all laughed. Yes my darling we all acted like ourselves, boisterous, joking, teasing each other, and loving one another despite everything. Great fun.

I love you all so very much.

Colette.

Reality Check

Reality Check

In a galaxy far, far away....

(LOL - thanks to Erin)

Salman's 'hiding' in Cairo

I am glad to have found your 'nomad' site my dear...

You are one of the people who first 'visited' me here and I will never forget you.

May Allah bless and keep you safe.

Ode to "Real"

To real coffee with real cream in the mornings
To real conversation to go with it...
To what led to waking up REAL early to begin with...
To real passion with someone you REALLY love
(in the mornings and otherwise - *winks*)
To real friendship with REAL friends
To real times with those friends
To real fun with real children,
To their laughter, smiles, and yes even their mischief
To real life - may we always live this way

Happy Birthday DOCG!

(Another re-post - and this week marks the 3rd anniversary of this crazy 'journal' of mine - yeah Bonne Anniversaire Colette)

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Happy Anniversary to Me!

Well actually to my blog....

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of my blog 'Dancing on Colette's Grave' - it was on this week two years ago as my marriage finally rang it's death knell and I began what was to be my first holiday season alone - that I decided I needed to document the pain of what I was going through (and everything in between). I want to thank all the people who have read this 'story' over time and I hope you will continue to read about me as I continue to find out more about you and all those others yet to come.

'What a long, strange trip it's been'....indeed!

From that time I am going to re-post one of the more telling entries - when I read this one it still bring the sting of tears to my eyes...

***********

Leaving my home

I have stepped outside to bring boxes holding my belongings to my car. I wish I could stuff my heart into one of the boxes and just leave it for a while...I am heavy, sad, tired and frightened.

I can smell cookies baking - they smell like anise and it takes me back to my childhood for a moment and memories of my mother...Her husband (my father) cheated on her - how did she deal with all of this I wonder? I remember her devastation and her sadness - I remember her crying herself to sleep at night, missing my dad. I ache to have her hold me and stoke my hair the way she used to and tell me it will all be ok...

I put my boxes in my car and go into the house to pack up the rest of my life.

Revisiting the past

This post is from last year (at this time) and I actually used something my son had written for his English class (it even generated more comments than some of my OWN posts had)

**********

This was written by my son - for his English class - He was suppose to Agree or Disagree with the following statment: 'Society changes with the times, yet people remain pretty much the same' - I don't think he agreed or disagreed here but what he wrote I felt was brilliant regardless (And no, I am not just saying it because I am his mom - I would not have given him a passing grade on this work because he did not really 'complete' the assignment.)

Manic Depression Under a Blanket of Endless Possibilities

When Americans look back 40 or 50 years we see a simpler time. When the streetlights flickered on and most children came home to a homemade dinner around the family table. News was about politics and weather, and we all knew our neighbor. People were numb, happy, and ready to burst. American culture has a funny way about it. It steadily grows then bursts open to reveal the ugliness, disgust and pure beauty of human nature. Thus the 60s. Civil rights movement, the sexual revolution, fabulous drug induced thought and music that set American values so off kilter that mere children could stop a war. The Children of the 60s brought back the notion of thought and common sense to a slumbering old white country.

The same old white country is pulling the cords to our computers and controlling our lives with a joystick. Keeping the children busy with their fake plastic enjoyment is completely ruining what the most enlightened generation expected us to run with. The power of thought and common sense is no longer extended to our generation due to the fact that we aren’t smart enough to handle it, and even if we got it we would ignore it because the only power we prefer is electricity. Society changes with the youth, but the youth can’t change it unless they pay attention.

Love Amongst the Ruins (re-post)

Yes this is a re-post of something I wrote back in July of 2004...

Wow - was I miserable or what?

*rolls eyes* geez - why didn't you guys just slap me back then???

(Ah well it's a nice reminder of how far I've come).

Paris Breakfasts

Paris Breakfasts

I am putting this up for 2 reasons.

Visually it's a really nice blog and,

We are after all 'Dancing on Colette's Grave' here and I'd be really remiss in not posting something mentioning breakfast in Paris. (Which would be really romantic and leads me to a lot of sighs of longing as I day dream about sharing such things with my love....)

^_^

The Internet and Intimacy

This is prompted by (as usual) a thought-provoking conversation with Erin...

Call me old-fashioned – I think that ‘picking people up’ on-line for romance/sex ‘whatever’ is a bad idea and that it strips the ‘event’ of all intimacy (just my humble opinion).

Our lives are busy – agreed. However, I simply feel it’s an odd way to ‘hook up’ – that’s why I always hated the idea and practice of ‘on-line’ dating – I never wanted to meet people that way, there are simply too many weirdoes out there – but then to acquiesce a bit – picking up a total stranger in a bar isn’t any better, is it???

My ‘experience’ with the internet was begun when my ex (Tony’s dad) insisted on bringing a computer into our home. I was actually AFRAID of this machine…something in me warned me it would not help our already failing relationship. My ex used to spend hours literally on the computer (instead of coming to our bed at night – NOT that we were having sex or had any intimacy between us at that point).

Finally, I got tired of it and decided to check out the computer myself. I began at first by writing – but then someone told me about the ‘Internet’ and at that time the Cleveland ‘Freenet’ which was run by CWRU. I made my foray into the ‘unknown’. I ‘met’ people (on-line), and ‘chatted’ with them – I found it to be strange and ‘otherworldly’ in some ways 'mystical' that these ‘entities’ talked to me through the ‘medium’ of the little electronic box on my credenza...

One of the first people I actually chatted with was Liam – to this day I thank Goddess I ‘met him’ but we did eventually meet in person – we’ve been like family ever since.

There were ‘chat rooms’ you could be in based on subject matter. You could create profiles about yourself – tell the people out there what you wanted them to know – or fabricate an entirely new personae – basically lie about yourself – I remember the first time I pointed this out to a young man on-line he was livid...

I was beginning to be on-line a lot – it was like having a ‘secret life’ my family did not know what I was doing or to whom I was talking. I felt a bit naughty but never did I do anything that was all that ‘dangerous’.

One night when I was chatting with Liam – someone kept ‘buzzing’ me to talk to me – he kept sending me messages in French. This sort of freaked me out a bit because he was a total stranger and I could not figure out why he’d just assume I’d know how to read French (but then I had forgotten in my ‘bio’ I had mentioned knowing how to read and write (and speak) French) – at any rate he was very persistent and began to get annoying so I excused myself from Liam and began to ‘flame’ on this guy...little did I know I was speaking to one of the head technical officers from WHO – he lived in Geneva, Switzerland. He was an older gentleman who spoke like 5 different languages and had traveled all over the world and he began to flirt with me that night. We exchanged e-mails, he even sent me post-cards from his travels, and at Christmas one year he sent my children a 5lb candy bar from Switzerland. We discussed our lives (he was going through a painful divorce, I was in an unhappy marriage), our spirituality (he studied Hinduism at the University in Benares, India), politics, literature, history, you name it…he was indeed fascinating. At one point he told me he wanted to meet me in person and was going to find himself in the states – I did not end up meeting him - he did call me on the phone though and we talked that way. Do I regret not meeting him – perhaps – but again I felt it was dangerous to meet a ‘stranger’ – I mean sure we had been talking for months – but how well can you really know someone like that – which I guess could be said about anyone in any given situation (i.e. people who are married all their lives to serial killers/rapists/child molesters and either don’t even know it or look the other way) – so perhaps my love has a point in that the Internet can be just as intimate a way of exploring a relationship.

I DID eventually end up ‘meeting’ some people (that I probably should not have) via the internet back then. I was put in some compromised positions. Situations that, when I think back on it, could have turned deadly.

Today, my take on the internet as a whole is that it dehumanizes us – it may have made the global community a little smaller, but closer (in terms of intimacy)? More compassionate? Nah – I don’t think so. How many of you out there can tell me the names of your neighbors? How many of you sit in front of a TV (or a computer) every day, for hours? To me we spend too much time ‘disconnected’ from ‘real’ life – you want to go out and meet people GO OUT! Go say hi to your neighbors, go take a class at your local college (non-credit if you like), go to your favourite place of worship, go to your local library and check out their programs, go to your local recreation centre, go to the museums, go to the zoo, JUST GO! Yeah OK, sure, you want to meet the chief technical officer for the World Health Organisation – well if you live in Peoria, IL I suppose then the Internet is your only means of doing that….but there are (I am willing to bet), just as many interesting people and potential for friendship and love right there in your own back yard.

Letters to God end up in ocean, unread

Letters to God end up in ocean, unread

The 'link' actually mentions 'unanswered prayers' - my question is, how do we KNOW the prayers went unanswered?

The Amish Connection...

Part of my job (the REAL job – NOT the Yoga) entails doing ‘intake’ sheets and asking people questions. I have to make sure they are healthy at least on paper in order to be donors.

Today I talked to several brothers – all Amish who wanted to donate to their little brother.

First of all they did not have access to a phone. This is very problematic (how are we suppose to get them results?). Secondly they all only had an 8th grade education – OK fine (I am sure they HAD to leave school in order to work the farm, land, what-have-you – I am sure it’s totally and culturally acceptable in their case – I DON’T care about people education – but in some ways we have to be concerned that they are going to understand all the ramifications of being donors.

Lastly we have to ask donors if they are willing to be tested for HIV. To a man they did not have a clue as to what I was asking them...try explaining the test for AIDs to people who live in this manner...

I was both amazed, in some ways in awe of their simple life-style and yet bothered (not quite irritated) at the same time...

I ask myself how is it they get through things such as force interactions with an outside world that they barely understand. It’s something to ponder…truly – it’s fascinating. I wish in some ways I could go and spend time studying them – I actually could probably get some hands on experience socially through my work place – perhaps I should look at that – not to put them under the microscope – or to demean them – but to truly study their ‘culture’ (with respect)and to see first-hand how it feels to be so at odds with the 'modern' world.

"Now that's the Spirit...."

Today is the Feast of All Saints

I was in need of some ‘ritual’ so today at lunch I went to ‘Mass’ here at work. The mass began at noon. It was over at 12:30 – this had to be one of the fastest masses I have ever gone to…

It also happened to be a pretty powerful service. This feast recognizes all the ‘Saints’ – the priest saying the mass brought up the point that the Saints don’t need our prayers – for them...however, they DO need our prayers in order to help us...sort of an interesting take.

He also mentioned Stephen Hawking and his latest book on ‘Black Holes’ – I was very impressed with this priests fervor and humour as he gave his sermon. I left feeling better – I had gone to pray for my son for some guidance and for the ‘spirits’ of my mom and dad and his grandparents to watch over him and guide him.

Even though I also consider myself to be Wiccan (I consider myself to be a lot of things when it comes to my spirituality) and even though I also honour and worship the Goddess/Great Mother, I find myself praying constantly for those I love and care for – Prayer not necessarily in terms of what most Christians would consider prayer - it’s more a matter of just sending out ‘good energy’ their way…but sometimes, when you are so close to the ‘forest, you can’t see the actual tree, and you need a little help yourself.

********

I have been stuck in the office all day today with a co-worker whose negativity is really starting to grate on my nerves and I don’t know what to do – I am getting seriously a bit angered by all of her comments and attitudes. I know she is sick of working. I know she has problems – I just don’t know how to help her – I try to be compassionate and to listen but there is only so much whining I can take...I wish there was a better way to interact with her...

I know this is not in keeping with what I wrote above but there’s other things I ‘pray’ for at times and one of those ‘things’ is patience and wisdom to help me deal with what I need to deal with. All my friend think I am ‘strong’ (LOL ‘strong like bull’) – I guess I AM strong – but it’s not always something internal I am drawing on – sometimes I get a little help from my friends...

*smiles*

Goddess bless and keep you all.

Sometimes, it's the Devil you know...

"I'm so happy for you..."

Or, 'You deserve every happiness...'

I get these comments from friends, family and now total strangers in regard to my new relationship...

I have to ask myself, was I THAT miserable before? I mean sure I talked to close friends and family about how hurt I was, and upset, and angry over my marriage ending and then subsequently trying to 'date'. I am sure they got tired of hearing it - hell *I* got tired of hearing myself. But strangers? Acquaintances? Co-workers? I mean was it a pall, a black cloud hanging over me? Was it really THAT noticeable?

What? Am I glowing now? *giggles* yeah...probably...

So this is love...

I think...

**********
Last night, I went trick-or-treating with Erin and the kids. The evening started as a flurry of activity and discombobulation; from there it progressed nicely. I even made some inroads with the little girl from next door who up until this point had been a little prickly and not fun to deal with at all. Of course Erin's kids were as always, a joy. I took it all in, slowly, savoring - I was quiet (too quiet apparently *ahem*)- introspective - it's not that I was not having fun - it's that I didn't have much to say...I wanted to just sort of observe, participate but in an inobtrusive sort of way - this is all still so new to me with his children - I am not sure how much I should just 'jump right in there' if you know what I mean. I felt a bit out of sorts - for reasons that I now realise had to do with 'future' events, I will expound on that shortly...

After the 'goblin run for candy' we ended up back at Erin's and watched Monty Python's 'The Holy Grail'. Erin's oldest (his son) really loves this movie and his daughter enjoyed it as well, but I am not sure she enjoyed it as much as her brother. There was a look exchanged between us at the point where in scene at 'the Castle Anthrax'; one of the ladies says: "You must give us all a good spanking, and after the spanking, the oral sex!" - definitely NOT PG-esque material, exactly. Afterwards, Erin told me he had missed that line before when watching the film - I looked at him kind of funny, cause I figured he KNEW that line was in that scene,it always has been...

It was a wonderful evening and I am glad I got a chance to participate. I am hoping to be able to do more with the children and Erin as time and the relationship progresses. We shall see I suppose.

I went home, later than I wanted to. I hate leaving him at times - but if I am going to go, then I need to get home at a decent hour. My son was not home. When he did get home he knocked on my door and asked to talk to me. I was awake so I opened the door - he had a look on his face like he was about to cry. He was in a car accident that night. I asked him why he didn't call me and he told me his dad had helped him sort it out. But he was upset obviously. He was not on the road when it happened, he hit one of his co-worker's cars in the parking lot - it was in his blind spot. He is making the kid get estimates and we will go from there. There was no damage to his car or to him. Thank God - but he was really shaken up. It did not dawn on me until this morning that the sense of being 'off-kilter'/'out of sorts' last night had something to do with this (yes there were other factors too, but I have a connection to my son that is undeniable). My son and I talked quite a bit - he is very upset. His dad has been taking him to task lately (rightly so - but a bit too little, too late if you ask me) - and I was able to talk with my son lovingly and firmly about him needing to find his 'way' and get his act together. I am very concerned about him. He is depressed, he is floundering, he needs some guidance, and I don't think he is going to accept it from either myself or his father right now. The key is to get him involved/engaged in his OWN life and give him choices. Hopefully, he will be able to illuminate his own path. All I can do is hope, and pray, and be there when he needs me.

We can help our children to a certain extent, ultimately it's up to them to live their own lives. We all have to find our own path in life - if we are lucky it's the path we are meant to be on - sometimes there's a fork in the road and you have a decision to make. The key is knowing yourself well enough to choose the right course to take.