NPR : Retune the Body with a Partial Fast

NPR : Retune the Body with a Partial Fast

Mainly saving this to remind myself....

Resonance and Dischord

Wrestling with demons in the form of angels....

I don't want to reflect on what I did or did not get for Christmas (save a couple of items)...

The true gift is that of family, kinship, and love.

One of the gifts that was given me (from you-know-who of course) was a book of essays by Anais Nin. She is an author I've long identified with - this is the reason why her books (most of which I've lost due to a cat that has now passed away - another story) are on my 'wish list'...

Ms. Nin was a woman so in touch with who she was that she dared to do as she pleased - not without regard for consequence - but she remained true to herself...and she carved her niche. She made her choices with a symphony of mind and heart, body and soul - in a mainly male dominated literary world.

In one of her essays, she talks about director Igmar Bergman. She give astonishing insight into the workings of his genius mind and lays bare the essence of desire, personified in his films.

Her writings as well about how she herself lived her life strike a resonant chord within me.

She discusses how difficult it is to embrace fully ALL the 'parts' of ourselves. Not just the 'public' face but the dark 'one', hidden in the recesses that perhaps only those closest - or perhaps no one but our selves ever see - the subterranean depths of our 'other'.

As a woman, I believe at least for me, the struggle - the battle if you will - takes place on many levels.

Women (most of us) are taught from an early age to be good girls, ladies, dutiful wives and mothers, teachers, cooks, house-keepers, keepers of the faith.

Whereas, it would seem that boys are taught to be rougher, forthright, aggressive, strong, confident, conquerors...

I was shy and reticent as a little girl but soon, I grew rebellious, I longed for 'experience' and knowledge. I had a thirst; I wanted to be like the 'boys'. My sexuality charged, I somewhat recognised its power - unfortunately, and all too often, I'd pick the wrong man to lavish this on and my 'power' would be used against me...

Coming into my own took me decades of abusive relationships, failed marriages and broken/splintered families - the human cost its own form of reckoning. Yet I became ME...

Now, I often find myself torn between many 'selves'. The things I think - being observant/a psychological 'voyeur' of human nature - these edicts have a way of making it to my lips and are uttered before I sometimes even realise - hurting the one man I've come to love more than anyone who has come before. I am left feeling awful - but how do I reconcile my true nature with that of the rebel, the sarcastic bitch, the explorer, the modern-day courtesan/taker of lovers - with the 'good wife/mother', kind and lady-like creature that also lives within this mortal coil?

Almost without reason, involuntarily, my other 'side' rails at times to get out! Break Free! And I sense a certain entrapment - yet I fear the letting go - for unleashing the 'other woman' might very well cost me all that I hold dear.

I look within for the key, the clues that might help me to tame my more wayward self - while still keeping the passion that seems to live at the very core of my being alive - a passion that hungers and yearns - it seems to just take on a different aspect...

Can I be fulfilled as a woman with one 'true' love? Will my restless nature be able to settle down now that its uncovered the well-spring of love? Can I brave the true freedom of allowing myself to be possessed by HIM - to truly become as 'one' together?

I want to believe that this love is the culmination of all that I have been working towards that this IS my 'Grail'.

I don't want to permit fear of the unknown, of it 'not working out', the trepidation of my own insecurities and inadequacies to hold me hostage - what's the alternative - Life alone? The quest for another lover who 'gets me'?

Is the key having a lover who embodies all that I need - he's the 'bad boy', the 'white knight', the clandestine lover all rolled into one?

And on HIS end (I can't speak for him) - will he be patient enough, will he allow my 'coltishness, my coquettish ways? Will he be able to conquer his own fears and demons and recognise that I am not perfect - will he be smart enough to not put me on a pedestal, yet still respect me and want to cherish and uplift me? Will he be able to stay true - to not stray? Will he be satisfied and happy and really want to 'settle down'?

There seems to be no shortage of 'thought landmines' in my head.

My heart is full of love. My body aches for him, my arms long to hold him, pull him close to me; my lips hunger for his kisses. I want him with everything that I am and will become. He quenches my spirit in so many ways and I know that even if (Goddess forbid) this relationship crashes and burns, it will still have been the greatest love of my lifetime...

Me vs. Mack Truck

...and I feel like shit.

I have a freight train running through my head...and I need to go lie down. Ugh!

I SO needed to write...I've been needing to write but I can barely look at the screen here...

OK back to the bedroom - I wish Erin was here....

Reflections/Observations

Yesterday, I too joined the 'mad throngs' in running around - shopping, errands what-have-you.

It was pleasant actually, I found a wonderful gift for my love. I hope he likes what I found.

I was fine until while standing in line at another store I witnessed a woman being blatantly rude to her husband who was merely following HER directions. Then I saw a other chastising her daughter severely for really no reason. As I went to the grocery store, I noticed the glazed looks on people's faces and I thought to my self (as I always do at this time of the year), WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves, to our loved ones, why are we putting so much emphasis on the wrong things?

Today I am here doing something I have not done in months, sitting with a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning, blogging. I want to get back to that - I will probably be teaching Yoga on Saturdays - but I miss the lazy sort of wake up and observe the world and write about my impressions - of course now-a-days, I have more important things/people/family in my life and that takes precedence over many other activities.

So while I hope to keep a lot of myself the same as I approach this marriage, I know some things will change - it's not bad or good - just different and that's OK.

Meanwhile, back at the reflecting pool. If you truly must be rude ton one another at his time of year (or any time for that matter) know that while your family may act like they don't care - they do - so do others. Try to remember why you fell in love, had that child in the first place and be nice - do unto others - or better yet follow Hillel's 'law' don't do to others what you might not want done to you...

Bright Blessings to you and yours as ever.

Winter Solstice

Winter Solstice

Blessed Solstice to you all. Happy Yuletide. Merry Christmas as well.

Love,
Colette

*SNORTS*

"Dear C~

Your online resume recently caught my attention, and I was impressed with your qualifications and background. One of our clients needs to hire a Vice President of Strategic Marketing. I think you might have the skills and talent they are looking for and I would like to invite you to apply for the position.

The Vice President of Strategic Marketing is responsible for developing and executing the direction and business planning necessary to drive the growth of medical surgical systems. This position manages a small team of business development marketers responsible for marketing strategy development and oversees the integration of strategic marketing in the medical surgical business processes.

If becoming a Vice President of Strategic Marketing with our client interests you, please apply online. Just click on the link to be taken to the online application or copy and paste the link into your address bar."

(*mutters something incoherent about people being fucking assholes*)

Right - I am certainly qualified to be a VP of marketing....love it - spam job offers....

GRRRRRRR

"Sunday's Game"

...and voila - here is "Sunday's Game" - via YouTube



(***NOTE: THIS IS GRAPHIC! - albeit wickedly funny - so don't say I didn't warn you)

'Player 13'

13 Tzameti




This is the 'movie' Erin and I watched last night. I used the term movie in quotes because it apparently (and I have no corroboration on this) is somewhat of a fictional docu-drama. I can not prove that what transpires in the movie actually takes place in the 'real' world - but then as the movie seems to ask - or more correctly French philosophy seems to imply - what's real anyway? My guess is that yes, this sort of 'game' takes place in the world.

Intense would be an understatement here. Brutal - not quite. I've notice my watching of violent films has somewhat increased with being in this relationship. Not a good thing - but it's not a horrid thing either. I don't usually like or enjoy violence in ANY form - however, some violent movies are worth watching if they have a certain message or are too well done to NOT see (you may go ahead and compare this film to 'Fight Club' if you wish). Yes I truly believe our psyches are impacted/affected by what we watch, hear, etc. and if something is REALLY graphic I will not watch it no matter what my lover wants. (True to oneself don't ya know...yadda, yadda, yadda...).

I have to say though this movie was psychologically taught, a true 'thriller', the cinematography was incredible, and the shock value palpable. This film is not for the faint of heart. The short on the disc "Sunday's Game" was dark humour indeed. I would think you could manage to find it on line somewhere - (*evil grin*) it could be a solution to our 'elderly' problem (*gasp* did *I* just say that????) - seriously I often tell my kids to just 'take me out and shoot me'....

So for those of you who can 'handle it' I'd give it a thumbs up.

CMA Special Exhibitions : Modern Masters

CMA Special Exhibitions : Modern Masters


You know...

I really should go see this - although I am sure I've seen most of the collections. I miss our art museum which is now not scheduled to open until 2011 - so I guess I need to try to go to some other art museums, like Toronto, or Columbus...or even the ones in Pittsburgh again....

Still/ness

I am reflecting these days...too much I fear. Too much 'living in my head', sometimes drowning out the 'logic' - always seemingly impinging upon the quiet that I so often desperately need.

Some of the reflections help me tho' - reflecting upon my 'past' career - what I want to be when I grow up...etc.

Often, my ponderings rest upon my life as it is now - my love as it lives and breathes. I am lucky enough to be in a totally, mutually respectful and loving relationship. There are ups and downs - well of course there are. More and more I am struck by the strength and power of the feelings I have for Erin. He has become my rock. He is my source of strength lately. He IS my better half in some ways. He helps me to remain (somewhat) focused. He makes me laugh. He has intelligent conversations with me. He brings light to my darkness.

I've said it over and over ad nauseum but, I love this man more than I ever thought it possible to love someone. Even though lately my fears seem to surface, threatening to drown me with the constant assault to my fortress, our love gives me the reinforcement I need to get through and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My love, I know I have been saying this to you in private - but I want to say it now in public. Thank you - for well just about everything that you do for me, for us. I love you with all my heart, mind,(lesser/not-as-significant) body, and to the depths of my very soul. I am so glad you are a part of my life every day.

NPR Music: An Eclectic (Y)ear: John Schaefer's Best of 2007

NPR Music: An Eclectic (Y)ear: John Schaefer's Best of 2007


Yeah....this is a WAY more eclectic collection - one is a cross-over from a previous list....

The Bach Aria is beautiful...

Again - enjoy - without music, surely I'd go mad (LOL - well at least madder than I currently am)

Latter-Day Republicans vs. the Church of Oprah - New York Times

Latter-Day Republicans vs. the Church of Oprah - New York Times

You know things like this bother me - a lot!

The idea that we could vote for a candidate based on some 'do-gooder' TV matron just strikes a sour chord with me (note I said chord not note).

What has happened to us as a nation? As a society? Can we not think for ourselves? Do we have to be 'spoon-fed' our opinions, our very actions?? It would seem that our ability to make judicious decisions is reduced to sound bites and 'my god is better than your god' conversations.

WTF?

I think we should clean house and start over personally but whose going to march in to Congress and the Senate and fire everyone. And who is going to step up to the plate and take the jobs? It's like some sort of weird computer programming game - garbage in, garbage out....sometimes I get jealous thinking about how we could have just remained a holding for Great Britain. Sure, we've done some amazing things in this country but somehow we keep falling short. Wasn't' there a writer (I want to say Phillip K. Dick) who had a story where holding office was actually determined by a lottery....I mean let's face it, who really WANTS to be president?

Do you?

NYC nightclubs defend ladies' nights

NYC nightclubs defend ladies' nights


You have GOT to be kidding me

Snakes, snails, and puppy dog's tails...oh my

...and....IT'S SNOWING! YAY!!!!!!

This weekend was very special.

Erin and I got to bake together as a family. My sister came over with my niece and we all had a blast.

The better part of the day came when my son decided to grace us with his presence (this is not sarcasm - I miss him dearly) - so he came over after work.

My son is a very outspoken young man - he is artistic and follows the beat of his own drum (pun of course he is a drummer).

We hung out while Erin dropped the kids off at their mom's and then Erin came home and we decided to go out. It had begun to snow and was slick out. Erin & I wanted to cook pineapple fried rice - but instead my son wanted to go out to eat. We obliged him. We went to Bravo! an Italian restaurant with pretty palatable food.

We sat in the bar to eat. My son and I began to talk about our time in NYC and the great food we had during our time there last year. We were all jovial and having a great time together. At several points in the conversation, growing up became the subject - the things that kids are 'allowed' to do today vs 'back in the day'. I had mentioned that I did not allow my kids to play video games (I was indeed the 'meanest mom on the block'). My son told us that had he been stuck in front of video games he would have never became the musician he is now. I beamed and uttered something like: 'There now I feel vindicated'. He in turn said 'yeah so now I take drugs and write music'. I thought Erin was going to die laughing.....they both thought this was hysterical and in some weird, ironic - eat-your-words-mom kind of way it was...

After dinner we headed over to the local bowling alley but could not bowl because of league bowling (Erin wanted to shoot pool). So we drove up the road and went to a different bowling alley that had pool tables. Erin and my son shot pool (I was impressed with my son's ability) - then once a lane came open my son and I bowled together complete with him having a couple of beers.

I DO feel vindicated as a mom - I am very proud of how my son has turned out. Sure there are things I fret about and always will (I am a mom to be sure). I think what else came of this evening was a bonding of sorts amongst us (Erin, my son, myself) - it's going to still take time - but I hope my son knows he is welcome in this house and this new family I am forming.

The rest of the weekend was lovely vis-a-vis: snow, Christmas shopping, being intimate with my love and talking with each other (which is always one of the best parts of my days and nights).

So go out and build a snowman - or have a snowball fight with someone your love (your kids, your spouse, your SO, your friends) - and if you don't have snow where you live - go have a water fight, or a pillow fight or something fun....just enjoy the time you spend with your family and friends, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Become A Video Game Tester

Become A Video Game Tester


*smirks*

If only I liked playing video games....or heck, learned to play them to being with....

Eyeore is my friend [Darkclarity]

Eyeore is my friend [Darkclarity]


Because this is so VERY Mr. C....

Country Squire

Country Squire

And just a hearty 'Hallo' and best wishes for a bright and blessed holiday season to the 'Country Squire' and his family.

He is my 'step'-brother - I used the term 'step' lightly - I consider him more as an old friend and a 'real' brother. In fact, some of my fondest memories of 'family time' at Christmas were of time spent at his house discussing music, politics, society and drinking wine together. You were wonderful to my father and to us 'kids' and I will never forget your kindnesses.

And I know in the past, Squire, you and I have not seen 'eye to eye' about politics, but I feel the things that separate us are not nearly as important that the issues we actually agree on...

I think you are a wise and astute man and you had better let me know if you hear ANY whisper of Led Zeppelin coming to this town....(LOL)

Auterrific

Auterrific

I just want to vote her blog of the week. I think I have done this before (with her blog) and if not it's WAY overdue. I also wanted to wish her all the best in her future endeavors and congrats on earning her degree.

Blessings my dearest Linda!

NPR : Report Exposes Extent of Steroid Use in Baseball

NPR : Report Exposes Extent of Steroid Use in Baseball

OK - show of hands, who's surprised by this?

I head some guys on the radio this morning saying that if it weren't for steroids, baseball would be the most 'boring' sport in the world to watch....

Yeah I guess....but still - in my book it's cheating.

NPR Music: DiFranco Still Dodges Traps a Decade Later

NPR Music: DiFranco Still Dodges Traps a Decade Later

Vintage Ani....

I *really* have to get Canon - that is once I am able to....

NPR : Savoring Memories of Sunday Dinner

NPR : Savoring Memories of Sunday Dinner

As an Italian (Irish)-American myself, this brings back memories of my own mother's kitchen and those 'special' meals - no one could make sauce (gravy) like my mom...

(P.S.: There's recipes to boot)

Mangia!

Quotes

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them.
- Franklin P. Adams

NPR Music: Folk Alley's Favorite CDs of 2007

NPR Music: Folk Alley's Favorite CDs of 2007


This is for the 'folkies' in the listening audience.

So I like Parry Griffin the best.

100 million pennies displayed in NYC

100 million pennies displayed in NYC

I am on my way out the door....

But, I HAD to post this - it is a great story, hopeful - and it shows the power that we ALL have in the world - but most importantly - it gives me hope about children and teaching them to give selflessly as well as about their/everyone's ability to save and use the money wisely, and/or philanthropically.

Nice thought for the day.

Wondering....

Cause things seem so out of place/out of sorts right now...

Just a jumble of thoughts and feelings in my head.

Wondering where the hell certain things in my life went - I did not take them for granted - for if I had I would not be missing them I guess...or so that's to going theory.

I have to wonder why I am wistful about looking at jobs in places like NYC or having an apartment in Paris to be an ex-pat/writer...

I just wonder...

Oh yeah and why a certain idiot keeps visiting the blog...like lurking or something...WTF?

Whatever, carry on....

BBC NEWS | Europe | Greek parrot in parking fine row

BBC NEWS | Europe | Greek parrot in parking fine row


I am keeping my claws crossed for the parrot.

Go CoCo!

Life....and living....

I look back over all that has happened in the past year.

I have fallen more deeply in love than I ever thought possible. I have had the pleasure of getting to know 2 amazing children and am privileged to have them as a part of my life now. I have strengthened my faith. I have grown closer to my family (siblings and children). I have had some great times with friends and know that I yearn to be with them more. I have watched my Yoga 'work' slowly, steadily decline. I have had to pay dearly for being a 'writer' here and for being honest, and subsequently have lost my job. (Freedom of speech is a myth kids)....

Now...

I have been asked to teach at a new growing Yoga studio working with a man who really wants the business to succeed.

I have had some promising leads on the job front.

Today. We put of the Christmas tree at Erin's house - it was bitter-sweet for me cause I missed my son and my daughter. I have had some really close moments with Erin this weekend..and I feel like a part of this family.

The Christmas shopping has commenced and I am trying to buy things for my family and my love on a very, very limited basis and I feel terrible about this because one of my greatest joys at this time of the year is to give gifts.

I will be baking cookies next weekend with my sister, my niece, Erin and hopefully his children.

I may even have time around the Christmas holiday 'off' for the first time in years...a mixed blessing.

I am so looking forward to the coming year and growing even closer to Erin and building our love and our commitment to each other - culminating in a wedding ceremony with friends and family, (and honeymoon) this summer.

I feel a lot of emotions - a bit of fear, joy, contentment, excitement, and hope.

Life is good.

Planet NEO

Planet NEO

Not sure why I did not do this sooner...but 'Planet NEO' is ''Blog of the Week' here on DOCG

NPR : Gypsies Battle over Fortunetelling Turf

NPR : Gypsies Battle over Fortunetelling Turf

I detect a 'theme' here....

Ah Gypsies....the fun never ends does it?
(and *I* can say that having worked in a carnival with some....)

NPR Music: The Best CDs of 2007, from WFUV

NPR Music: The Best CDs of 2007, from WFUV

More music....the Nick Lowe is interesting.

Mavis Staples - you go girl!

Amy Winehouse (YAY!)

JJ Grey 'Country Ghetto' rocks!

Radiohead - 'nuff said eh?
(always a hit in my book - heck they could be reading the Magna Carta and I'd probably swoon...)

Lucinda Williams is very mellow with a angsty underpinning - almost Mazzy Star-esque - nice...

Love Wilco - see Radiohead only a bit less than Radiohead - this is bluesy, dead-on Wilco with a nice change-up surprise...yeah...

Neil Young - I have become a fan of his slowly over the years...this is an intimate performance and nice intro to a great song...

All in all a more eclectic review - but then it's out of NYC. So yeah more new stuff to check out music-wise for you guys - enjoy!

BBC NEWS | South Asia | Hindu gods get summons from court

BBC NEWS | South Asia | Hindu gods get summons from court




Wow....just wow....

Ya know...it could be dangerous summoning 'Gods' if you don't know what you're doing...just ask a gamer...or a Pagan for that matter.

*winks*

^_^

Early copy of Magna Carta on sale in NYC

Early copy of Magna Carta on sale in NYC


I know what *I* want for Christmas...c'mon sing it with me...

LOL

NPR : In a Booming India, Artists and Their Market Adapt

NPR : In a Booming India, Artists and Their Market Adapt

Very cool piece:



Archeology - House of Spice,' by Indian artist Baiju Parthan

NPR Music: Top CDs of 2007, from 'The Current'

NPR Music: Top CDs of 2007, from 'The Current'

"The Current' is a radio show on Public radio out of Minnesota. I'd say it's an eclectic mix but so far it's a bit seamless - a good thing early in the morning...not done listening yet. There's some items I'd definitely be interested in having in my collection.

Take a listen.

Sitting....

...here by myself...the heater is blowing on me...the one I 'should not' be using...sorry (*mumbles & grumbles*)

I just got through being sick (yes THAT kind of sick in the lou). Erin is off gaming. I am 'suppose' to be researching for a job interview tomorrow and I just feel like crap.

I want to be in Erin's arms, I want to not be feeling this way. I want to
yet sink lower into this feeling, hit bottom so I can rise back up - like cream
- to the top again....

Somebody bitch slap me, I'm delirious...or was that delicious? *grins*...dangerous...I AM DEFINITELY dangerous....

*sighs*

BBC NEWS | Americas | Rich US dog hiding after threats

BBC NEWS | Americas | Rich US dog hiding after threats

Love the quote: "the tiny bitch was whisked away under an assumed name after receiving about 20 threats."

A dog with an assumed name...now that's some serious stuff....*smirks*

Mornings...

....when you aren't used to being home...

I find myself feeling lost, listless, anxious, restless, all those things that conspire and combine to make me unable to function.

There a sense of urgency - but there's also the sense of I don't give a flying fuck anymore either. (yeah where's all the money I stashed away so I can just retire to a seedy apartment in Paris?)....this is all rather early on but since it's following so close on the heels of what happened with work I am not sure it's not connected somehow to the bullshit from there still lingering...colouring my perceptions.

On a more 'homey' note it's nice to be able to get up with Erin and the kids and hang out in the mornings...it feels 'right' - it is also a bit frustrating - just the adjustments and the trying to get everyone up in the morning, fed, and functional.

More than normal, I am not looking forward to the 'holidays' I usually never do - it's not that I dislike X-mas what-have-you - it's the way people are at this time of year, the depression that seems to hang on, the feeling of 'the big let down' (as a kid after going through your presents and still having that 'empty' feeling - it wasn't presents you were after, after all, was it???).....

So it's a mixed bag - a sort of Donna Reed meets Roseanne only way less raunchy on the Roseanne side, but no less honest.

Fashion...

While we are on the subject...and to know one in particular....

I am dying to find this coat (Ann Taylor Loft - last season....(*sighs*))

The weekend was....

...in a word, perfect.

{Note to Derrick: 5 times - is that enough? (are we in a competition now? If so I thin Erin and I win hands down but then I am biased.[*winks*])}


Seriously though. I love being with Erin - I love our life together. I love that we are in love with each other.

Friday was nice being back with the kids again. Saturday was spent cleaning and cooking and going to my family's 'Italian nite' which was wonderful - except I was beat near the end of the evening. [Note to C2: we are sorry we did not make the party but the timing just did not work out (we were in fact invited to ANOTHER party as well and would have liked to have gone to that....but yeah....timing.)]

We got a lot done on Saturday....

Sunday we went to mass, did some shopping and then came home and vegged out by watching movies.

The first one was:



It IS smart and sexy - and well I would certainly like to 'replay' the one scene in the film with Erin (I will leave you all guessing) (Note to Erin: the movie made me feel invigorated too - like doing things - especially together - not necessarily involving becoming assassins....LOL)- and as far as anything else - I want Angelina's Jolie's outfits from the movie (yes even the dominatrix one - please Santa, pretty please - I'll be a naughty girl (LOL)).

The second movie:




This film is base on Wim Wender's 'Wings of Desire' which I always felt was the better movie, however, 'City of Angels' is more cohesive. And yes my love I'd fall for you as well (I too already have it would seem...) and as Seth put it in the movie in his answer to Casiell: "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it." - I feel the exact same way about you - but then I told you that last night...

Anyhow I know most of you are probably sick of the mushy stuff by now (I for one never tire of this).

Send me your good thoughts and keep me in your prayers - I could use an angel right about now....

Bright Blessings to you and yours...

C~

5 Surprising Symptoms of Infidelity on Yahoo! Health

5 Surprising Symptoms of Infidelity

I found this quite interesting (yeah shut the hell up - I always find this crap interesting)

But what's most interesting is that it is written by (seemingly) a man - I'd like to hear from some of the men out there what they think about this piece (LOL no pun intended) in general and about it being given a sort of rubber stamp of OK-ness by a guy no less...