How can I dance when my bed is burning?

It's been a while now...

We keep having little bursts of fighting with each other. What kills me about this is the way it always happens - it becomes a pattern and a dance that we perform - we know the steps all too well.

What kills me about these fights is his audacity - his sheer conviction. The nerve of him telling me that I am playing games - I really want to scream at him and ask him what game he was playing when he was busy keeping the knowledge of the 18 year old from me - and of course he uses his pat excuse that I don't want him having female friends. Eureka! Yep that's it! All of the other women in our life aren't good enough for him to be friends with - I wonder what his college friend would think if I told her that...and of course the idea that he could make a woman friend and then introduce her to his wife - well that's certainly out of the question isn't it? Perhaps there is a secret handbook for husbands that wives aren't privy to?


He's insane alright. If I wanted to have so many guy friends and so many men paying attention to me - I would not have gotten married...maybe that's me. But the men friends I do have I respect too much to do anything with - I want to keep them as friends. I really don't think my Dreamer knows how to be friends with women (at least not with young attractive women) - wasn't there a movie - it was probably the movie Swingers, where a man was saying that men and women can't ever be friends because of the whole sexual energy/tension thing. Spoken like a true penis.

When will they ever learn?

Momentum

It's coming - I can feel it. The rush of feelings - it's like a daemon on my back. The waves, an ocean of feelings taking me down - under and I am drowning. It enters into me, icy through my veins and surrounds me and I can't see, hear, breathe. It's anger, and hate, and it's tinged with desire and longing and fear and yearning.

I think sometimes I want to just be alone, to just be. To try to deal with all of this and get the answers that lurk just beneath the surface. So confusing and yet deep down I know the answers, I just can't speak them out loud to myself - like it's an ancient language and my tongue has lost the ability to use the words; the meanings are jumbled and incoherent to my mind. Life is impermanence and I should have know all of this - seen it coming.

I imagine other women, living other lives in other cities...big cities and there are masses of people - everywhere they look they see humanity - but they stay, alone. They go home to their walk-up flats and they eat TV dinners and they feed their one cat, Tinkerbell, and they curl up on their couches amid blankets and Cosmo magazines and channel surf trying to figure out why they are alone. Have they missed some important infomercial that will show them how to look better so they can attract that all important mate. Get married, have 2.7 children, live in a cape-cod with a picket fence and a dog named Beau (short for Beauregard) - because of course the hubby is a southern gentleman. Only to have the man grow tired and bored and run off with his 20-something secretary because the wife is too tired for titillating sex due to the fact that she is managing the house, taking care of the kids and working outside of the home...stupid, stupid women - who also should have seen this coming.

Doomed we are all doomed to live out this existence. The same thing our mothers and grandmothers went through, life after life, generation after generation. How do we break the chain?

Can I be that strong? Can I reclaim my inner Colette or Anais so I don't have to feel this pain? Or is that part of the secret - the pain that we all try to avoid, the never-ending cycle of suffering that only enlightenment will stop...

Perhaps the idea is to become a warrior and just live by a code that does not allow for such frivolity as love. To become mistress of my own destiny and never give up the ship that houses my soul. Only give away those parts of myself that I can afford to lose. I need a strong wind to carry me out to sea, to a deserted island when I can begin anew.

Affliction

It is so hard for me to imagine what he is going thru. I guess I just can't begin to understand the madness - the depression - although I too am depressed these days. The silence that must seem like a crushing force and he is left alone with just his thoughts and the never ending buzz in his brain. I am sure it is very maddening. I think part of the problem is that he was trying so hard to not listen to it when we were together that he was also not listening to that little voice of common sense we all have in our minds (I think) but we don't listen to at times.

There is nothing I can do to take away his sorrow or his pain. There is nothing he can do for me. All I can do is watch us go through this - helpless. That is why I think the best thing to do is to let it all go. Evenutally the din is replaced with other noises and the sadness is replaced with peace and perhaps a new outlook and that is what we both need.

'Desperation and the singles bars...'

And so it goes...everything with him is desperation and obsession. How can this be healthy? Doesn't he realise how sick this all is? *laughs* well no I guess not...that would make him aware, cognizant of his actions.

He was obsessed with me - before - and we ended up falling down into the well of his sickness and here we are again. His obsession with her had farther reaching circumstances this time. As you can see from his writing - he fell really hard for this girl.

"Why do I think what I think???

Another day, another journal. This makes one here, and two and a half on Blog*spot. Why do I think that anyone wants to see what I am thinking....why do I care?

Well, disirregardless, this is going to be a another home to my ramblings while online. If you care....let me know....if you don't care...let me know that too...

I have an interesting "love life" that I am experiencing. I have a gf that I live with...whom I have lived with for a while and whom I have been with for longer than that. Then, a couple of months I met Aurora online, at yahoo. Aurora's not her real name, obviously, but that's a name that she uses online. I've been unhappy with the gf for a while, but she manages to reel me back in every time I get dissatisfied.

I am really falling hard for Aurora now. We see each other a couple of times a week. We both work downtown here in Cleveland, me in my office and she as a messenger. I miss her whenever she's not around, and I am really depressed that I can't spend the night with her. Not, like that...we slept together once, and I have never felt so comfortable with another person while I slept before in my life.

I know that on one level the reason that I fell for her as quickly as I have is because she reminds me of Jenn...which is ironic, because she has an unrequited Jenn in her past as well. But when I hold her, and she is in my arms...the world just spins away into nothing.

This is why I think I started this journal. To give myself a way to think things out. I hope that I will be updating this daily. Sorry in advance if I don't.

Got any advice? Let me know.

Bye for now. "

That's from his journal at the time - he is such an idiot to think that I am just going to believe this girl was like all the other women on the internet (his favourite singles bar) and that nothing happened and that this meant nothing to him. What seemed to mean nothing to him was our marriage - and again I point out that I became the 'girlfriend' - our legal marriage was conveniently tucked away - out of sight out of mind. Since he keeps saying he is out of his mind but I just think again - and over and over I come to the same conclusion - he's just using this sickness of his to make his excuses. I am sorry - if you knew me you would really know I am truly a caring person inside - I think that being inflicted with this disease is worse than any kind of cancer or other horrific illness - I just can't wrap my mind around it and make sense out of it. I guess there is just no making sense out of nonsense.

I want out of this

I really do want out. I want to stop all of this. I need to stop being addicted to this relationship. I need a new life. A happier existence. I need to lose the excess baggage (yep about 195 pounds of it - I think that's what he weighs these days..)

I say things to him - it falls on deaf ears - both literally and figuratively. It's like I am living in a vacuum with him. He is so wrapped up in his own pain and sickness (and that's ok for him - he should be doing what he needs to do for him) - so I end up having to muddle through somehow. I am not doing well with all of this.

I want to meet a man, I want to be taken out, I want to be made to feel that I come first. I want someone to want me, to long for me. He claims that all of the things he wrote about her on the blog and all of his feelings were due to his sickness and, I am guessing, he wants me to believe that they weren't real. But by that logic how could *any* o f his feelings be true, including those for me? He wants me to believe that he invited a 19 year old girl to his apartment offered to let her sleep there overnight, and NOTHING happened? Come on - I am suppose to believe this shit? Trust me when I say no one believes him. He wants me to write down my longings and yearnings on 'our' blog - OK here's a longing - get the hell away from me! Leave me alone - go get yourself some help and call me when you are done. He claims that *we* didn't get help and he uses this to excuse his behavoiur - it makes me want to vomit. What kids of a fool is this guy. Using an excuse like - 'well my wife and I didn't get help so I started to see an 18 year old girl behind her back - because I wasn't getting my needs met...I was hurt etc...' boo-fucking hoo spyder_boi. For the last time GROW UP!

Then there's the constant snide comments about my kids, my ex-husband. I mean who does this loser think he is? How dare he! I am at the end of my rope. I have never in my life had such conflicting feelings. He also claims I am putting him on a roller-coaster ride - but he built the roller-coaster. Does he think I am not up and down all the time?

Things I have not done since this all happened:

1. Gone to a Yoga class for myself
2. Really read anything more than a paragraph or a page from a book
3. Concentrate on my work
4. Concentrate on my studies
5. Concentrate on my teaching
6. Get really drunk - because I am afraid to do so
7. Laugh (really laugh)

Things I need to do now:
1. Go see my attorney and get papers filed
2. Go out on a date with a decent human being
3. Go to Yoga class
4. Read a good book
5. Stop crying over all of this
6. Laugh, really laugh again
7. Concentrate on my work and teaching
8. Walk away (no make that run away)

Perhaps one day - he will get better - until then I need to keep my distance. I can't keep getting drawn into this drama - I need to end it before it kills me or makes me do something I will never be able to take back. All I want is peace.