David Ullman

Erin and I saw him when we went down to The Barking Spider....

He calls his type of genre 'Sad Bastard Music'

Indeed.

But he's still great - nice eye candy too....

Enjoy!

1 Corinthians, Chapter 13, Ver. 1-13

1 Corinthians
Chapter 13


If I speak in human and angelic tongues 2 but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,

it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

For we know partially and we prophesy partially,

but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.

At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

For my father

I am linking to this re-post of a re-post for a reason....

January 20th I struggled with the memories of my mom dying.

Similarly I struggle with the loss of my father.

Part of what happens is that as I reach certain milestones in my life the absence of my parents seems more poignant somehow.

Now, since he won't be walking me down the aisle as I get married in the Church of his faith - I will miss him that much more....

Ring of Fire....

I am in love. I am blissfully happy. I have been once again ‘talking’ to my love and I am sure he thinks I am crazed (I am). I am (I am sure) driving him crazy as well...

What happens is that I bring up ‘hypotheticals’ I talk about what happens when we wake up one fateful morning and one of us (or both) thinks ‘WTF am I doing with you?’ – it happens – it did with me in both of my marriages. Not because I did not like the person anymore but because we had grown so far apart that I didn’t recognize them anymore and I didn’t know what had compelled me to marry them to begin with – for they had (as we all do invariably) changed; Changed so drastically that had I met them at this point I would probably not have been friends with them – let alone fallen in love with them.

At what point do we change like that? How do we make sure that despite our changing as we evolve, that we don’t leave behind our partner? The key as Erin and I have discussed ad nauseum is communication. You tell your partner you are unhappy and you work from there – unhappy seems pretty strong – so does dissatisfied – so what do you say to your S.O. when you wake up feeling like you should have never gotten married in the first place?

I am not a big proponent of marriage (you all know this or you don’t know me very well) – however when I think about marriage it’s not marriage I am against (I’ve said this before) – what I hate is what happens to us as people WHEN we tie that knot – it all becomes unraveled and you are left feeling like perfect strangers to each other. Unless. Unless you can manage to stay tied/connected to each other. I have to say that I don’t feel this is going to be a problem with Erin – which is why I said yes to him.

I am incredibly lucky and I can’t for the life of me figure out what made him ask me, why he is this much in love with me. I am not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth – I just get to feeling like its all some surreal dream from which I will awaken soon, and this 'fantasy' will have never happened...

He sets my heart, my mind and my soul on fire. His touch makes me weak. He lingers with me all day and he is always on my mind. Even though I’ve been in love before and happily married before I have NEVER felt this happy or intense over anyone. Above is a picture that very closely resembles what my ring looks like (with the exception of the band you see in the picture). Every time I look at my diamond I can see the fire and the brilliance that calls to mind this love of mine. Like my ring – this love is made to last forever and I have hope that it will bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things...

(As an aside - it seems everytime we go to mass together there is a reading about love or marriage or something related to all of this - how cool is that?)

GRRRRRRRR Part II

So I went to the doctor this morning. My somewhat yearly exam…

I was scheduled for 7:30 AM – I show up and no one is there in the reception area. In fact the place was dark. So I walk to the other bldg to see what’s up and get treated very rudely by the receptionist there – I wanted to inform her I worked for the same place she did but instead I just tersely said ‘thanks for your help’ and left to go back and ‘sit outside the lobby area on the bench out there until ‘someone’ shows up’ as the ever-so-helpful receptionist suggested.

So I wait – I called my love while waiting. Finally someone shows up and informs me that they don’t know why I was put on the schedule cause the doctor I was seeing – who come to think of it has never seen me early like that – does not show up for at least another ½ hour. So I was ‘roomed’ and my temp, B/P and vitals were taken, I was weighed and measured in height – so I am taller than I thought I was and I weigh LESS than I thought I did (YAY!).

I was asked to put on one of those embarrassing gowns and sat on the table waiting. My doctor came into the room around 8-ish and had me sit down across from her to talk instead of being on the cold table. I told her of being engaged – she was thrilled, so very happy for me – I love my doctor – we have become close over all these years – we began to discuss my health. She wants me to work out more – I WANT to as well – I NEED to do this. Overall she felt I was healthy but she probably wants to put me back on iron UGH! I HATE taking iron – it rips my stomach up something fierce. But I am probably anemic and I suppose that’s not good either…

I went to the lab to have blood drawn. I will wait now for the results.

Next stop was the car rental place – I am up to $400 in rental charges for this car…which means I am broke – so broke that I am considering becoming a ‘call girl’ for a week or two to make up the money. I mean this is killing me – I HAVE to get my car back.

I then ventured into work – it’s snowing like mad. Got to work and found out there were no parking spaces in my ASSIGNED parking lot so I had to park 3 block away and walk through the snow – which was the most beautiful part of the morning. Came in to find that my co-worker (Old lady-Eeyore) who was out sick last week and is constantly out sick is yet again out sick which means that all of her work falls on me……and this also means that when she gets back she’s going to be hellish to deal with….

What I have to look forward to is seeing Erin – I hear it’s a blizzard/white-out conditions outside so hopefully I will get home safely….I want to be out in the snow instead of here dealing with work. I need some down time from some of the stress I am dealing with – but I don’t see that coming anytime soon – so I will just try to remain calm and centered and hope that soon this will all pass….

Bent...out of shape

Its money I fucking hate money. With a passion

So I am using a rental car – I have no choice – my car is not going to be done until later this week.

I got myself a good deal from Enterprise or so I thought. However because I used my debit card instead of a credit card – I guess they needed a ‘deposit’ - here’s the problem – they DID NOT tell me this – not at all. And I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS IN WRITING.

So they charged my debit card a $250 deposit – then the following week they charged it another $175 – but I did not know this – seriously. So I look at my account and the balance did not seem right – so I look at my on-line statement and I freak out because they have charged me all this money. What I actually OWE THEM is $126 so far. I am freaked out over this. I call them up and left a really nasty msg about it – the guy from the car rental place calls me today and says: “Well Mrs. L – we talked to your husband and told him to have you call us” – I said: “First of all you did not talk to my husband – secondly when you did not hear from me what gave you the right to charge my card without telling me first – I KNOW I did not agree to this or to these charges and I want this money refunded – if you are going to penalize people for not using a credit card, you need to make them aware of that.”

He told me in order to not charge my card a substantial deposit I have to bring the car in to be inspected. WHY???? I told him I’d be happy to do so but it’s an inconvenience to me – so now tomorrow I have to take this car up to them to be ‘inspected’ – because obviously I can’t be trusted. All I have to say is that they had better fix this problem or all hell is going to break loose.

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR

Raining on my parade...

You know…..

I don’t want to go to the negative place and I DON’T feel negativity – not in any way, shape or form.

I am in love with Erin. I plan on being his wife. I am ecstatic.

However...

I am a touch upset/concerned over certain reactions to our ‘news’ – and while I appreciate the concerns etc., for I know it is borne out of love for both of us there’s a couple of things I like to say...besides go to hell – sorry that just sort of slipped out.

The main concern seems to be two-fold – it’s about how soon this all happened and how ‘well could we possibly know each other’. OK. I will be the first to admit that this happened quickly – however I think both of us began to realise early on just how compatible we were and just how ‘connected’ we felt. Look kids, I have been ‘dating’ since I was 16 years old – that’s 30 years of ‘dating’ and being out in the trenches of romantic encounters. I am telling you from the bottom of my heart and my soul that this relationship is like no other I have ever experienced. No, we don’t’ finish each other’s sentences (I’ve always found that to be so droll) – we don’t need to – we just know each other and that’s all I can say because I don’t have words for this that you would understand.

For grins and giggles, (cause I have myself brought up the ‘how well do we really know each other, Erin’ discussion), he brought out a book of psychological ‘tests’ that gage how well one knows oneself – instead of answering the questions about ourselves – we answered them for each other – we scored over 90%.

Now, some of you might think so what? Let me enlighten you a bit. I was with my last husband for a decade…you know what – I *obviously* did not know this man from Adam – how could I have possibly known him given what ended up happening (for the sordid details begin at the beginning of this blog) – so when people say things like ‘how well can you know him/her’ I kind of want to say ‘bite me!’. How well can we really know anyone???? The answer is we can’t. There’s no magic formulae. How do you think the wife of Mr. BTK feels? How about Jeffrey Dahmer’s family? I mean how well can you really know anyone??? I am not trying to be trite or defensive – but I am sick of defending this or explaining myself to people.

Love is love – I don’t know why things have turned out this way – obviously there’s some reason. All I know is how I feel, and how I feel when I am with him – I can’t speak for him but I know Erin well enough to know that he knows himself (yeah OK so this is convoluted) – and I doubt he’d be going through any of this unless he truly loved me. So say what you will – again your concern is touching it really is...and it’s good to know I am loved and have friends who care. But I will be OK – and if not it’s on me – it will be my problem as they all are. I think I am going to be just fine, though – ask me in another couple of decades when we are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary...

Downhill all the way and the 'M' word revisited...

Weekend re-cap – for those playing the home version...

Erin’s weekend with the kids. Normally I would not be with him Friday night and since he seemed irritated when we talked I was pretty sure I would not see him in the evening. He had asked me to go skiing on Saturday so I was out and about (after a short nap) looking for ‘snow/ski’ pants. He called and asked me to come over.

I went to his place where he was working on the bathroom, the kids there – his daughter upstairs with the neighbor girls – both of them are a handful – but cute.

I played with the girls and after the kids went to bed, spent time snuggling and talking (what else) with my love.

Went home got some rest. Got up the next morning and headed over to Erin’s to go on our ski adventure. I have been on skis exactly once before this and I remember not liking it – I managed then but this time I was not sure. We got on the road (later than Erin wanted) and headed out to Alpine Valley. It was beautiful out – plenty of snow on the ground as we neared the resort. Got there and got geared up. It was very crowded and we were lined up for a lesson. I did well until I started falling – I felt like dead weight so it was hard to get up. I struggled but had fun. When it came time to get on the tow rope/j-bar’ I fell (yet again), and decided enough was enough. I should not have wimped out but I also felt like I needed more of a lesson to be really comfy with skiing. (Part of me is thinking I might actually do better with snow-boarding - C2 some help here?)

Erin’s daughter took to the sport like a duck to water. Erin of course is the true athlete so he had done this before – he has a grace about him and it’s one of the things I love about him. His son struggled as well and he wanted to stop – so he and I went and ‘de-geared’ ourselves and waited for the other two to finish. I know it was hard for Erin’s son and I tried to be of comfort – I felt woefully inadequate here – but he eventually was calmed. We went for a snack and then decided to go ‘tubing’. This was the highlight of the day. We had a blast. I could have stayed all night.

We headed home to make dinner for the kids and ended up watching ‘Mary Poppins’ – the more time I spend with them the more I feel like a family. Erin and I snuggled and talked more after the kids went down. I left him (*pouts*) and went back to my house – planning on meeting them the next day at mass. Erin called me while I was driving home to tell me how beautiful the snow was and that he was thinking of me and to say good night. The snow *was* beautiful and so is he...

Sunday I woke up and got ready to go to mass. We went to the grocery store afterwards and then headed to his house to have lunch. Both Erin and I had a headache – after lunch he decided to lie down and I went up to keep him company. Again the neighbor girls were over. The littlest one kept coming up to talk with Erin and I while we rested on his bed. Erin seemed to be dozing so I decided to leave. The kids were struggling with the VCR so I helped them to ‘fix’ it to put the ‘Pokemon’ tape in. As I did this the C - , the neighbor girl asked: ‘C, are you going to marry Erin?’ – stunned I sat there for a minute. ‘I don’t know honey’ was all I could muster, turning my ring around on my finger…then Erin’s daughter said to me: ‘I’d like you to marry my dad’. WOW! ‘Why honey?’ I asked. ‘Cause you are nice and I like you’ she replied.

I went upstairs because I had to share this with Erin.

I went home. Promptly got into a huge argument with my son. Took a little break and then headed out again to go to Erin’s because we were going to meet up with one of our on-line friends, Michael who was flying in form Texas for a job interview. We went to his hotel to pick him up and ended up going to the Olive Garden restaurant. Erin’s daughter was very shy and stayed close to me – letting me hold her. We bumped into my friend Sheila and her husband John – very pleasant surprise. I showed her my ring and we talked briefly.

We had a nice dinner with Michael. I spent the time between conversations playing with Erin’s daughter. At one point she hugged me and told me she loved me and told me she’d like me to be her ‘mommy’ again I was stunned. I told her she had a mommy and that her mom loved her very much. She said: ‘But I only get to see her every 2 weeks’ I had no answer for this. She then said it would be OK for me to be her step-mom too. I assured her that I cared for her very much and got her back into the routine of playing again.

(*let’s out a held breath*)

Erin and I discussed this a bit – I am feeling overwhelmed a bit by all of this. We have not told the kids the news yet…but I have a feeling that his daughter already knows we are planning to get married. I don’t think either one of the kids is going to have a hard time with me – I am just hoping that I can be the kind of step-mom they need me to be. All I know is that I love both of his kids and I look forward to being with them as a family.

Now if I could just pick myself and keep from falling down all the time, things would be wonderful.

Girls in rural school plot to kill Oprah and BUNNY!!!

Girls charged with conspiring to kill classmates, Oprah

...AND THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!!!!!

*guffaw*

OK um...what were they going to do - take the batteries out of his bunny butt and put them back in backwards????

WTF???

Geez....

Running at the brain....

...instead of the mouth.

I am in a bad mood. Pure and simple.

There’s crap going on I am not happy with at all. I feel guilty for being in a bad mood – like I have to justify it somehow...

I begin to ponder the reasons why I find myself on edge to see if maybe I am over-reacting and no, I think, given the circumstances, others would be on edge too...and there’s no end in sight.

I want my car back! I don’t know when I am going to get it back or how much it’s going to cost me out-of-pocket and it’s making me nervous.

I want the idiots that I have to put up with to fade into the background – perhaps even completely disappear...but that’s not going to happen…besides there will always be more idiots to take their place.

I think about how I don’t want to get into the ‘craziness’ of planning a wedding. I think about the things couples are ‘suppose’ to do when they announce their engagement. They have pictures taken, they have a ‘party’ – I find all this stuff ridiculous. I am not some blushing bride. I am not in my 20s and just starting out. All of the stuff about getting married is so sickeningly-sweetly-irritating that I want to scream. The word ‘elope’ springs to mind – however both of us want to be married in a church and both of us want a ceremony. I’d like to have a party to introduce Erin around – but who the hell has the time for such crap – and as far as pictures go – yeah OK – I hate my pictures. In fact if there ends up not being a single solitary picture of me for my wedding day I am OK with that...

I am irritated cause I’ve been invited to a party tonight and I want to go – I just might – but it’s in the ex’s neighborhood and it gives me the creeps being anywhere near him – I have an eye doctor’s appt later today and if my pupils get dilated it might all be a moot point...

The mosaic isn’t all that ugly – there’s joy that abounds:

With Erin, last night was wonderful – we had amazing conversations, about ethics and philosophy; we ‘talked’ out a scenario together for a story – it was kind of lame but fun. This morning he got up and made me coffee – I never know how to deal with him doing nice things for me – it completely throws me off kilter. That’s not a good thing and he needs to know how very much I appreciate his kindnesses and his loving gestures. I am a lucky woman and I love him so very much. I may even get to go skiing this weekend and break one of my limbs – can’t wait!

My job still challenges me – it’s not all that bad – today I got to do something really interesting – every now and then, I get to deal with the international population and it’s fascinating and fun….

Last but certainly not least, something to look forward to – our friend Michael is coming up from Texas and we get to meet him and have dinner with him on Sunday! YAY!


All in all not such a bad existence….now if I could just sneak in a nap it would be perfect.

Writing Fix

Writing Fix

...via Erin - a site for would-be writers.

(*Warning: The site is a visual mess*)

Wedding Bell Blues....

It’s hard to get into the frame of mind/mood to plan a wedding.

Time is a constraint here – there’s almost too much of it – yes time flies and since I am having fun it will fly faster. However, Erin needs an annulment and only God knows (pun intended) when that will happen.

So...we can’t set a date – which is fine (I think).

Being the thinker that I am…I sometimes obsess over things (No, Colette! Say it ain’t so…) anyhow I think about the planning and what exactly to plan.

We are not newlyweds, either of us. We’ve been down AN aisle before. So there’s not going to be a lot of fuss and bother. Again, very nice.

This will be my first time getting married in a church. So that means I need to shop for a dress/gown (ugh!) – I hate this kind of thing – I never think I look good in such attire.

Since it will be in a church this also means things like who/how many people should be in the wedding party, flowers, whether or not to have a photographer (I really don’t care), where to hold a reception ( since we have agreed to late spring or summer I’d LOVE to have an outside reception), how many people to invite, catering for the reception, favours, where to go for a honeymoon – most importantly, how the fuck are we going to pay for this?

Nuts – it’s nuts. I see what brides go through. I always swore I would not and for the most part I did not. I don’t think I will this time either but the idea of putting this together seems a bit daunting.

We don’t (well I don’t – I think Erin is in agreement here) wish to register for gifts. I think we are going to ask people to donate to a charity in our name.

I don’t think we want to have an open bar – sorry kids suck it up. Wine with dinner, a champagne toast – MAYBE cocktails but I just don’t like that idea. People getting drunk never appealed to me.

Then there’s the music – do we have a DJ? Do we hire a band (I am not sure I want a band there – hey maybe my son’s band…um, never mind – wait a minute – his drum teacher is in like 3 bands….hmmmmm).

I have begun a list of guests. I have asked 2 people to be part of the wedding party already. I am not sure who else to ask part of this depends on Erin and who he wants to ask as well.

I am very much looking forward to both the celebration of our love and the marriage to follow. I am giddy with all the feelings. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed and like before you know it the day will be here….so I want to really get stuff together.

There are things I can do and some things I HAVE done to make myself feel like I am getting something accomplished. So it’s not so bad. I think next month I am going to actually take some girlfriends, have a lunch, get some ideas and even go dress shopping.

There is much joy and a little nervousness as I prepare to become the bride…I can’t wait to be Erin’s wife and spend the rest of my life waking up to him.

Text Message Novel

Text Message Novel

...and here I am agonising over writing a book myself - cause I don't feel talented enough or that I have enough material TO make a complete novel....

Yeah...life is so fucking weird.

I would so like to sit down with someone and write a book though...

China Debates Morality, Exploitation of Women

NPR: China Debates Morality, Exploitation of Women

...to another.

You know.

Especially lately, I've been thinking about power in/within relationships. How it plays out, how it gets distributed if you will.

Typically, in the past, women have seemed powerless in certain 'roles', being kept 'down' or oppressed and kept from being able to weild much power. Men have seemingly used women as instruments - of pleasure, of duty, of procreation. Slowly, with the birth of the industrialised nations, the tables have begun to turn.

Now-a-days, in post-modern societies, we find women yielding more power. Speaking as one of those women - this can be both exhilarating and confusing as hell. Sometimes we hit the glass ceiling, sometimes we get caught between wanting to have it all and not knowing how to go about doing so - or worse, secretly not wanting to 'have it all' but not being able to admit we aren't interested for fear of reprisals or being viewed as 'lazy' or not 'super-mom'.

How do you walk that fine line between wanting to be a woman, feminine and soft, while still balancing the power that as a woman is your birthright?

Further, I am sure it is quite frightening to men (especially in countries such as China) as women begin to recognise that they can yield such power and act accordingly. They must certainly be grappling with centuries of the 'status quo' - women seen and not heard - with the exception of wanting to hear her moans and screams in the boudoir.

I find this all so complex and fascinating. Of course here in places like the US - what I tend to see is a great deal of backlash BECAUSE of the sexual revolution. The strides made to 'set us free' may have possibly served to create a prison of our own making. A gossamer spider's web that at first seems delicate and easily delineated but turns out to be a death trap for romance as we used to know it...

So as I approach this new relationship that grows every day, changes and seems to be thriving, I try to keep myself from falling into those 'traps' of absolute gender identity. Hoping that as a couple, together we can remain enlightened and attuned to one another's needs, wants and desires both in and out of the bedroom.

PNG women slain over sorcery fears

PNG women slain over sorcery fears

From one extreme....

In roatation....

This is what I've been listening to lately:

Michael Stanley band - OK it's a guilty pleasure sometimes and this is one of their best albums:



Counting Crows - an abosolute necessity in a record collection as far as I am concerned:



Collide's 'Chasing the Ghost' - the jury is still out on this one - but her voice is great (read: sexy) and their version of 'White Rabbit' rocks:



Last but not least, October Project's debut album - incredible lead singer:

Graffiti

When Erin and I were down at the Barking Spider, I found some graffiti in the women's bathroom. The walls are filled with patron's (typically CWRU students/faculty etc.)'scribblings' from over the decades.

The two I read this time:

"We always use the rhythm method, he's just a bad musician"

And a joke:

"Man walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. He orders a crazy blue drink, downs it then runs at the window, crashes through, and moments later he floats back up. Other guy watches the entire scene, orders the same blue drink, jumps out the window, falls, and hits the ground. SPLAT!

Bartender yells out: 'Superman you are such an asshole when you're drunk!'"


<*grins*>

Anger management...

It’s not anger as much as it’s irritation – well OK yeah…things piss me right the fuck off. And it’s not so much expressing things as it is sarcasm...but then I DO rant...oh well

LOL

So here’s some irritation.

Yesterday, one of my students showed up for class and she seemed irritated. I greeted her and asked her how she was doing. She barely acknowledged me. The she began to complain about lugging her Yoga gear to class saying (and I quote verbatim): “It makes me feel like a bag lady. I hope no one I knew saw me. I didn’t know Jazercise was the same night as this class” (Implying WHAT exactly – that you WOULD have taken THAT class instead?????)

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Here’s a clue – don’t take my class. I don’t want to hear your complaints. I don’t need ANYONE as a student this badly. Go take your Jazzercise class already.

Then there’s friends/acquaintances that feel by giving you advice about your relationship and what their take on your decisions, that they are doing you some kind of favour or being really good friends...

Um I have some advice for you. Mind your own business. If I want your opinion I WILL ask you (honest - you gotta trust me here..). What you are doing boils down to meddling pure and simple – and I also have to at some point question your motives.

One last thing...

There are people in my life that I WANT a relationship with. Some might even say I am OBLIGATED to have one with them. However, I am not willing to do ALL the work anymore. I want to get together with them. I want to stay close with them but it can not be a one-way street. Life is short and such things ARE important but if trying to see people is going to cause stress and hardship and it’s not AS important to them, then why bother? It’s just not worth the heartache on either side of the fence I suppose.

Anger linked to women's heart problems

Anger linked to women's heart problems

OK so if I express my anger I am screwed????

Yeah...cause it's so much better to keep it bottled up inside.

I am in so much trouble...

Randomness...

(NOTE: This post is long due to song lyrics)

…thoughts that go through my head….

More about my love: Yesterday at mass there was a couple in the pew in front of us – they had two boys sitting between them….yes considering the fact that they seemed to be a ‘married couple’ I could sense no connection between them – it was as if they were strangers in church together – I felt sad about this and again swore I would never let my relationship with Erin become this way if I have ANY say over it (and we all do in our relationships BTW)...

The joy mingled with hope at the prospect of being with Erin – his actions – the fact he asked me in front of God (well not that God/dess was not present the first time he asked) and close friends to marry him – on sacred ground (*sighs*) – the way we act towards each other – how different this is from any relationship I have ever had in my life (love-wise with a partner)

********

Thinking about weddings…what to do – how/when to really begin planning – not wanting it to turn into a nightmare – again being grateful for Erin’s participation in my life – unlike my ex, I KNOW he will be helpful in planning our wedding together.

********

With the ‘idea’ of weddings songs begin going through my head; Curiosity as to what songs to play. I have to laugh because as the couple in ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ – we don’t have an ‘our song’ – so I have no idea what to do other than play what ‘normally’ gets played at such events. I know what songs *I* think of – ones that remind me of him – of our love – but I don’t know what songs go through his head (or IF such things go through his head - a little freaked out the he likes Air Supply). Lyrics reverberate through my brain:

“Wedding Song” Tracy Chapman

I've been having dreams and visions
in them you are always standing
right beside me
I reach out for your hand
to see your arms extending
outstretched towards me

For you I don the veil
by your light
others pale by comparison
I place my faith in love
my fate in this communication


I've been having dreams and visions
in them you are always standing
right beside me
I reach out for your hand
to see your arms extending
outstretched towards me

To you I give my pledge
I honor all that's good
in this life we're living
to think not only of myself
but of the greater union

Can I get a witness
there is salvation and rapture for the lonely
can I get a witness
bless this day sacred and holy
sacred and holy

I've been having dreams and visions
in them you are always standing
right beside me
i reach out for your hand
to see your arms extending
outstretched towards me

With you I am revealed
all my shame all my faults and virtues
behold body mind and spirit
heart and soul devoted all to you

can I get a witness
bless this day sacred and holy
sacred and holy

“Breathe” By: Faith Hill

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Beign with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And i've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When i'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart

CHORUS:
Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
And suddenly i'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppose to be
I can feel you breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than i've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now

CHORUS:

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way...


“From This Moment On” By: Shania Twain

(I do swear that I'll always be there.
I'd give anything and everything and I will always care.
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,
for better or worse, I will love you with
every beat of my heart.)
From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

“Leaving on a Jet Plane” – John Denver

All my bags are packed
I’m ready to go
I’m standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its early morn
The taxis waitin
He’s blowin his horn
Already I’m so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I’ve played around
I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing
Every place I go, I’ll think of you
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you
When I come back, I’ll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
I’ll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

But, I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

********

I have to begin to get in better shape. I have to start working out more – it will help with my stress levels and allow me to ‘keep up with’ Erin and the kids.

********

I have to finish and upload the final installment on ‘My Carnivale Story’

********

It occurs to me that the reason why I have missed my mom so much of late is because of all the joy I am feeling (and that my daughter had a new baby) and I’d love for her to be here to share

********

I have to find a stylist that I trust and start doing things to pamper myself so I have nice skin, hair etc for my wedding – well and beyond…not to be vain just to pay more attention to me...

********

I desperately need to go see my Yoga teachers – it’s a shame it’s on a Wednesday night – I’d love for Erin to meet my gurus/teachers.

********

I have another list of ’50 MORE things about me’ to finish...aren’t you guys waiting with bated breath?

An Angel at My Side

"And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right..."
-- Counting Crows: 'Round Here'

This weekend was filled....with life. In all it's myriad, rainbow cornucopia...

Friday was spent with Erin. I met him at work and he introduced me around to his co-workers and we were congratulated on our engagement. We went shopping bought stuff to make Pad Thai and ended up eating Quiznos salads instead. We watched 'My Best Friend's Wedding' - not because we are getting married but because it's a pretty cool movie. We got to one part in the move and I had a revelation. I realised that at the last wedding I attended, I had caught my girlfriend's bouquet. I didn't remember because I had then given it to her little niece (who was crying cause she did not catch the bouquet). I told Erin this - and it dawned on me the 'connection' and the 'coincidence' (but I don't believe in coincidence anymore - so perhaps this is fate that I met my love and am now getting ready to become his wife)..

He began to cry - sensing, I would imagine, the self-same connection - I whispered to him I was crying too....we resonate with each other. I love this man so very much.

We talk. Late into the night - about relationships, about how they seem to fail at every turn. Mainly about my doubts.

I woke up Saturday morning - the anniversary of my mom's death knowing it would be a 'bad day' for me. I began by wondering AGAIN about us, about the futility of it all - we talked for a couple of hours, I went my way and he went his to do our errands/work. We got together later in the day to head out to the 'Barking Spider' - which is a bar on the campus of CWRU where live music plays every night. I was hoping some of my comrades would be down there however, usually Thursday is the night they gather. Since the smoking ban, places like this are emptier, how sad that is - some people still come down but not nearly the size of the crowd that would normally be in attendance on a Saturday night.

We played darts (well Erin kicked my arse - but then I am not really good at darts - I am planning on getting better and handing him his arse on a plate some day). We listened to the music and enjoyed each other.

We went home and again began the 'dialogue' about the 'need' to get married. My doubts once again surfacing (I keep thinking WTF???? and why doesn't he just dump me). It was rough for us - despite this we reconnected again and loved each other. He is incredible.

The next morning he awoke early to go teach PSR. I slept in a bit and had a nightmare about being in a car accident and being put on life-support - the dream took place at a time 'before our wedding' and he was agonising over what to do - stay by my side or move on with his life - it was more than this in the dream, but I am unable to articulate here...I was not frightened by the dream - my fear was for him...for his loss. I was upset and shaken a bit. I got ready to go to meet him for 11 AM mass.

We met at the church and heard mass. I felt 'disconnected' form him until he reached out to hold my hand. When he does this small gesture he brings me back - he 'rights' my world again. We connect and I am at once calmed and peaceful - feeling the love as it flows between us...

After the mass, he led me up to the front of the church - I was not sure what was going on - at times we have lingered after mass to just be together in an empty church...

We stood at the edge of the sanctuary before the altar and he faced me. He took my hands in his and faced me. I began to blush and he said: "Last night was rough for me." (I murmured an apology). He then said (paraphrasing here kids): "I've invited some friends here to witness because I want to ask you again to let me be your husband - will you marry me?"

Tears. My answer: "Yes, Erin. I only hope I will be as good a wife to you as I know you are going to be husband to me..."

We hugged and I was trying to really keep back my tears of joy. We turned to face the people who had gathered at his request and received their love and congratulations. I was in tears and all I could keep saying over and over was how lucky and blessed I was to have Erin in my life. I've never had so many reasons to cry with joy in public as I do now...it can be kind of discombobulating.

We went back to his place and then got ready to go spend the afternoon at my sister's house and have dinner. We had a nice time and my little niece Victoria welcomed Erin to the family by telling him she was glad 'he was going to be her uncle'. I think he was very pleasantly surprised by little 'Toria' - she's a doll. My family really likes Erin and my sister gave us a congratulations on our engagement card. She had also brought me a beautiful, delicate gold chain back from Puerto Rico - which was so very kind of her.

After we left my sister's I had to stop at my house briefly to gather up gear for my Monday Yoga class. I took Erin down to meet my landlord and we sat for a while with him, my ex husband and my landlord's girlfriends son and watched part of the football game. We laughed and enjoyed just the 'guy thing' that was happening in that space....

We stopped for Erin at his work so he could pick up a charger for his Blackberry and then went back to his place. We both did some chores and then went to bed again, our bodies intertwined....

We woke this morning to each other; to our love for one another.

I can not wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. It's going to be very hard to wait for his annulment process to be finished in order to become man and wife. In some ways, I already feel married to him - at least within my heart and my soul. After the weekend we had, the ups and downs; the sorrows and the joys...
I know this was meant to be and my faith and love is stronger than ever.

I love you, Erin.

I DO and I WILL....always...

Darkness...

and sadness today.

My mother's been gone now for 31 years. For the most part my memories end up centering about her death on this day. Mainly cause I watched her die. I know it sounds morbid and it is - but I won't short change any of you any more than I do myself with the emotions - you don't like it - avert your eyes - go read something else.

I feel cheated at times. Mainly because I never got to know my 'real' mom. I only got to know the mom that was 'mom' - you know the take-care-of-the-kids-do-all-the-housework-keep-your-hubby-happy mom....

I only learned of who she 'really' was from her dear friend (who has over the years become a bit of a second mom and friend to me) and some of the stories my uncles have told me. Surprisingly the person who was closest to her (her own sister) never seems to want to talk about her. Perhaps it's because it's simply too painful - even after all these years.

I'd like this day to turn into a celebration of her life instead of a day of mourning for me...but it's hard. I know she sacrificed a lot for us - to be the kind of mom and wife she ended up being. Perhaps that IS what made her happiest and what made her, *HER* ultimately, who am I to judge. But I also know of the 'event' that precipitated her death and I can't help but feel bitter as well that she was taken so soon from us and angry. For all my 'talk' I still rail at God. The fist shaking grows less over the years (I am sure he's stopped listening and could care less about my angst - LOL - does God ever get angry at himself/admit his mistake [geez can you believe I just typed that????]). I've had no choice but to accept what life's dealt me.

But on this, the anniversary of her death I'd like so much to just have her here 'in the flesh' for just a moment, for just one hug and to tell her how much I wanted to get to know the 'real' her - the woman she was before she had me - and to tell her how much I love her. Yes, I talk to her all the time in my mind....but there's nothing like having someone hold you in their arms and comfort you the way your mother can.

(For those of you wanting to read the tribute/history I wrote back in 2005, it's linked to the title of this post)

Wisdom...

(Incredible quote via Susan's blog over at 'Easy Bake Coven')

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same. --Carlos Castaneda

What kind of baby are you?

Sent via Bethie....'supposedly' it is accurate. I did not post the stupid comment at the end of each one of these about 're-posting in the next 5 mintues to find the love of your life' - why? I have ALREADY found him....



This is Erin's:

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and
Highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.
Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.
Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex.
Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to
Dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good
Imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves
Literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike
Being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High spirited.

This is mine:

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and
Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous
And sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.
Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up
Feelings. Observant and assesses others.

NPR: The Dresden Dolls

NPR: The Dresden Dolls

I've been listening to them for a while now - would love to see one of their burlesque shows...

Robert Anton Wilson - January 18, 1932 - January 11, 2007

Robert Anton Wilson January 18, 1932 - January 11, 2007

I was very remiss in not posting about his death.

I don't think you are resting as they say 'in peace' my dear - for I am sure wherever you are, you are stirring things up.

You will be missed.

'Hope springs eternal...'

It’s been a bit strange the kind of reactions I have been getting from people regarding my ‘engagement news’.

Mainly it’s been positive – yet there’s the underlying ‘you must be nuts’ (hinting at, at least), coming in the form of such comments:

‘Wow, you’ve been busy!’

‘Wow, that was soon!’

‘Um…OK...congratulations???’

And from my ex (Tony’s dad)

‘Are you fucking nuts????’

He took me to dinner last night (note to self must stop eating soon (I will NOT turn into Bridezilla, I will NOT turn into Bridezilla!) and the conversation went something like this:

Him: ‘C – you are nuts, what are you thinking?’

Me: ‘Does one always think in love?’

Him: ‘This is YOU we are talking about you over think everything. What is so special about this guy? What makes you think this is going to work this time around?’

Me: 'I don’t have all the answers. Of course there are some doubts and questions. How could there not be. Suffice it to say I KNOW this guy is different. He’s different from you, he is different from the other ex – he a good, kind, caring, wonderful man. They broke the mold when they made this guy’

Him: ‘Yeah OK now. But what about later on 5-10 years from now – are you preparing yourself for the inevitable?’

Me: ‘The inevitable?’

Him: ‘Yeah. Him dumping you for a younger woman. Or something like that...’

Me: ‘First off why do thing like that have to be inevitable? OK so you are bitter and it’s my fault, but you checked out of our marriage too you know...and I TOLD you what would happen if you kept not wanting to work on us. This is different. We talk about EVERYTHING. Don’t you think I’ve asked him these questions – hell I am driving him nuts with these doubts...’

Him: ‘Yeah but despite our history and what happened I don’t want to see you hurt or unhappy. I think you need to give yourselves a very long time BEFORE you get married at least 2 years.’

Me: ‘Look we have time this is not happening for a while. I will be careful. I PROMISE’

Him: ‘I just don’t want to have to rescue you’

Me: ‘Rescue me?!?!? Hey M?

Him: ‘Yeah?’

Me: ‘Go fuck yourself’

(*laughter*)

********

*sighs*

Yeah so it’s been a mixed bag. And yes things rest on me, fall on me, linger with me. There’s no guarantee. They won’t be asking us to sign a contact in blood on the day of our nuptials. I have fears. I have doubts. I’d be crazy not to be cautious. But cautious or not this is STILL the healthiest relationship I have ever had – and I have hope. Hope, joy and happiness trumps doubt and fear any day of the week.

ON having sons....

(Via C2 - sans the pictures - which BTW were very cute)

********

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Darjeeling...in the teapot

Darjeeling...in the teapot

Mademoiselle LuLu's 'blog' est le blog par semaine ici au Danse Au La Tombe De Colette

Allez-vous maintenant et prendre plaisir!

It's All in the Numbers....

My *sample* numerology reading - I don't usually put much stock in this stuff but it does seem kind of accurate:

You are a strong, self-reliant individual who is willing to stand apart from the crowd and act according to your own beliefs and convictions. You have a deep inner sense of authority and of your own power, and you prefer to either work alone or to be in charge, directing and leading others. You have a dominant nature and greatly influence others, even without trying to. Self-sufficient and independent, you are not easily swayed from the path you set for yourself. However, you tend to be proud and unwilling to ask for help when you need it. You also become so involved with carrying out your own will and desires that you neglect to consider others' needs.

Your inability to cooperate and compromise, and your tendency to be subtly domineering may cause trouble in close relationships. Also, you have trouble accepting any authority and can be rebellious when challenged. Your gifts are originality of thought, the courage to be different and take risks, and a deep core of inner strength.

'Pillow Fighting League' in Canada

'Pillow Fighting League in Canada'


Man...you gotta love those Canadiennes....

Hey here's a sexy idea - co-eds in lingerie having pillow fights...

What do you think guys?

Do tell, do tell....

This is for Squire (*big hugs to you sweetie*) (and other inquiring minds)....

The good news.

Yes.

I am engaged.

To Erin.

The story of how we met may have been documented on here - perhaps not....

We met through my ex-husband (yes it's all quite bizarre). I had been asked to take him to a gamers picnic (and before you go labeling Erin a typical gamer, just stop, he actually exercises and does way more than just role-play/roll-play).

At any rate, my ex asked for a lift to the picnic which was held next to the zoo - so since I had not been at the zoo for a coon's age I decided it would not do any harm to give him a lift and then go check out the zoo.

when we arrived, however and I went to 'dump' him - he asked me to stay - he said I might make some new friends.

Now, my idea about gamers (and I am sorry here I don't mean to insult any geeks in the audience), is that I just don't have much in common and frankly I get bored out of my skull around them when it comes to 'gaming'.

However this was/seemed to be a different sort of crowd.

When we arrived there was a 'hottie' who was trying to hang a sign indicating that the picnic was being held there. I had seen him the year before. His name was Erin (but I did not know his name back then). He was very cute and very charismatic.

I was introduced to him briefly, and then met the other attendees. It was a good group of people, interesting. We discussed the Amish lifestyle, flaming anorexic squirrels and all manner of OTHER topics (life, marriage, divorce, spirituality, Yoga). I was seated next to another man who had me laughing most of the day. He was pretty attractive. Every now and then, though, I'd catch Erin looking at me and there was this 'electricity' I am not sure how else to describe it...

The day wore on and Erin convinced me to participate in some games - card games - it was a blast and he was a wonderful teacher. I laughed more and really enjoyed the banter and playing with the group.

At the end of the day, I gave both Erin and the other man my phone number - IN FRONT OF MY EX. No, I did not do this to make him angry - I simply did not care. I was not with him anymore and I decided to try to use this as a way to perhaps get to know some funny, articulate, intelligent men sans the internet crap. Perhaps it was insensitive of me and wrong but quite frankly, he's the one who insisted I go and then subsequently stay to 'meet new people' be careful what you wish for I guess...(you have to admit the irony of the whole thing is delicious).

Erin called me the next day. He inquired as to my relationship with my ex and we talked I think for over an hour. It was a wonderful conversation (as are ALL of our conversations).

There was going to be a gaming convention the following weekend down in Columbus. Again, I was doing my ex a favour by taking him down there cause the guy that was suppose to go was backing out and the room was paid for. Since my ex was going to be running games, and since he knew that I was having a very hard time with my son at that juncture and needed a break, plus he offered to pay my way - so I did not see the harm. I mean we were at this point amicable with each other - sure it was a weird situation but it was tolerable. So Erin found out I would be in Columbus and we talked about meeting up while down there. He was 'boycotting' the convention but had friends to be there with. He knew the area well and wanted to 'be my tour guide'.

We met up and had a day-long date. I have not had this much fun on a date ever. I have never felt so close to a total stranger in my entire life. It was a magical day. Literally. I think I fell in love with him that day. We had a blast and I will never forget that 'date' for as long as I live.

I ended up being stuck with my ex the entire evening but then the next day (which was a Sunday), Erin and I got together for dinner. We brought each other a little gift and we connected on so many levels at dinner and then afterwards at his place (no it's NOT what you are thinking). He felt natural to me. We flowed together. There was no struggle to try to talk or communicate and he fascinated me.

We have been 'dating' ever since. We've grown so close so quickly.

Over the holidays we talk about marriage (we had touched on the subject before this). But the night we went to my brothers together for our family holiday dinner we sat down and talked at my place afterwards. He opened up his heart and asked me to marry him.

He was so sweet and so sincere. I was honoured and scared to death. I told him I needed to think about it a bit, meditate and pray on things.

I didn't take long to accept.

This past weekend I had told him I feel like this is all a dream - and I suppose he decided to make it more 'real'. I often feel I am in a dream when it comes to the wonder/beauty/healthiness of this relationship - that I am going to wake up and he's going to have vanished or things will have changed.

We were at the mall and we were shopping together and he took me into 'his' jewelers. He bought me a bracelet for Christmas and it was gorgeous (he has exquisite taste). So we went in and he told the sales girl we were looking for an engagement ring. She began to show me rings but nothing appealed to me really. There was one but I think Erin would have had to sell one of the kids to buy it. *laughs* She showed us a case where some of the rings had been put on clearance and I picked one and then Erin spotted one. Now mind you I don't know what has happened to women's ring sizes. My 'ring finger' is a size 5. All of the rings I tried on did not fit me well at all and perhaps that was why nothing appealed to me....
But when Erin asked her to take the one out of the case and I tried it on it fit me very well. The ring is very pretty - very me.

We went back over to the other case and saw a couple more things and then he said. 'I think this is your ring dear'. The sales girl talked with him about the 'terms' and he agreed. I stopped him. 'Erin I thought we were just looking'. He said: 'Are you serious about doing this?' I answered: 'Yes'. And he said: 'Well so am I'. All of this in front of the sales girl. He told her to go ahead and ring up the ring *giggles* (sorry yeah I've been kind of giddy with all of this).

So there you have it. The details (well not ALL of them). He got down on one knee once at his place and asked me again and I said yes again and I will continue to say yes to him for all my days to come.

We don't have a date, there is much to be worked on (more details, logistics), but I am ecstatic, very much in love, and very honoured to be with this wonderful man. I am indeed a happy woman and god willing this will be one of the greatest 'adventures' of my life.

When you least expect it....

I was in a car accident last night. My fault, it was stupid and I hit a pole in the parking lot at work. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Ah well...the insurance screwing commences.

It should be OK - I just have to try to get lifts into work or hitch-hike, or take a bus at some *really* ungodly hour in the morning....

Go me.

I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine

The Song of Solomon

I am my Beloveds and he is Mine

*******

Yeah...he asked - I said yes.

*blushes*

I've never been so happy, so joyful.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programme

Yeah...um...it’s been a while

THE WAR IN IRAQ MUST END. PERIOD.

WTF is the matter with that idiot?

What is he thinking?

Here’s a clue Mr. President. Fire your advisors, fire your generals.

Since when can’t the US win a war? (Um OK Viet Nam, but still...)

I’ve said it before I will say it again. I never agreed with entering this conflict, (yeah right we’ll call it a ‘conflict’ – it’s fabricated but what the hell), to begin with but if we were going to do so we needed to do so to WIN. Not to lose. We need to play this stupid game to win. Here’s the problem in one phrase: It’s called ‘The Middle East’ – we don’t think like them, we don’t understand them, we seemingly never will – why? Cause we are simply too ‘Whitebread’ and too Christian in this country – sorry kids – the truth hurts don’t it….your average typical ‘Joe Blow American’ is simply not too savvy on the Middle East – they never have been – they probably never will be – why should they care – they're docile enough – just give them more Pabst Blue Ribbon and NASCAR they’ll be fine – the collective ‘dumbing down of America’ worked my friends, congrats on that front – He (Joe Blow) does not get that they (Islamic fundamentalists that are in power) don’t care if they blow every Christian off the face of the map. Mr. Joe Blow also does not get that Israel is just as much to blame for their own stinking problems (and you people bad-mouthing Jimmy Carter need to be shot). They don’t get the truth of the matter that we (our Government) are the ones to blame FOR putting some of these despots in power and now it’s coming round to bite us on our collective asses. And EVERY president faces this, whether republican OR democrat. Shit I am amazed more of them don’t die from fear or heart failure after that first briefing about ‘what’s really going on in the world’ after their first day in that friggin’ Oval office – maybe we should change the shape of the office – perhaps it’s the geometry that’s against us – whatdyathink?

Sending more troops when the ones we already have there are unable to do the ‘mission accomplished’ thing is a farce. What happens when 20K more can’t do ‘it’ either?

And as far as congress being able to ‘stop’ the idiot currently residing in the West Wing, um yeah right. All it is, is rhetoric – bullshit and rhetoric. Nothing is ever going to be done about this to get us out of our own sordid mess – not even when some new ‘puppet’ takes the stage. We will be stuck in the nightmare of our very own personal Viet Nam (kind of like ‘My Own Private Idaho’ but different…), forever...

Idiots.

From my 'fair' knight

*giggles*

What WAS I thinking???

Last night I worked out to a Yoga video that I had not done in close to a year.

WTF?

Over the holiday I got kind of lax with my physicality I have had other *ahem* *blushes* ways that I’ve been staying in shape but it’s not like working out...well it is...um…er.. never mind.

So I ‘did’ this tape and while after 45 minutes I stopped, I felt sore but more tranquil; more in tune with me. That’s a good thing...

I’ve felt kind of off kilter lately. There’s been so much going on emotionally and mentally and I feel like I am at a sort of crossroads with certain things in my life. I am bored – I mean not really but there’s so much I want to do – and not unlike a biological clock that ticks for those 30-somethings who chose their careers over having kids – I feel like time is running down somehow...

Perhaps because it’s not really been winter – my typical ability to sink into a bit of dormancy is out of synch – if that makes any sense – yeah Ken: now IS the winter of my discontent...

*sighs*

I meant to ‘blog’ about this – but taking down the Christmas tree with my son did something to me too. We have an artificial tree that had seen better days – so I had told him it was on it’s last legs and that next year we’d need a new one. So when we were taking the tree down, after the ornaments had been packed away, he broke out black garbage bags and began stuffing the dismembered tree into the bags – it was like watching something being put in a body bag...it did not help that he then announced he was not going to ‘do this’ next year – meaning decorate a tree with me – I wanted to cry – instead I said: ‘Tony I thought you loved the decorations and the ornaments on the tree and doing this’. He said: ‘It’s a pain in the ass mom’.

Yeah OK. Sad. Really sad. There seems to be more at work here, but whatever, no sense in getting into it with him – it’s his issue to work out. But I felt forlorn and lost a bit.

So there you have it – emotional bankruptcy on some levels, cabin fever on others. At this point I just want spring to come so I can go back outside and play and breathe in the newness of beginnings again.

Velvet Jones's Diary

Velvet Jones's Diary

There's nothing like the feel of Velvet.

I've picked her before, I am doing it again....

She's blog of the week.

You go Ms. Jones

Musings...and 'reasonings'....

So...

What happens when you’ve been ‘dating’ for a while and things cool down?

What happens when you long for little romantic gestures and they aren’t forthcoming – do you risk sounding like a nag to ask for them? Or, do you shut the hell up and stew in your own juices? How are people SUPPOSE to act when they are in love (see below).

What happens when you notice that other items etc. get attention and you don’t? Do you get upset, angry, and jealous?

Or do you just sit back, let it wash over you and do less yourself/slack off?

Just wondering....

I muse about such things.

********

Once upon a time...

When I WAS ‘Colette’, I used to ask questions about relationships. Wondering what the shelf life of relationships are suppose to be...

Are we meant to be together forever? Are we meant for find a partner for one segment of our lives (child-bearing) and then after those years are done we move on to a better more ‘fitting’ partner (later in life)?

Is love supposed to follow a certain course (“The course of true love never did run smooth…”). Is this why we get frustrated, bored, give up, cheat on each other? Are we not listening or not communicating our needs well enough?

(Check out many of my posts about relationship – but here’s ONE in particular - as well as this ONE ) Both posts outline how I sometimes 'view' courtship and subsequently marriages or 'partnerships'.

What happens? Even if you DO state your needs and your loved one has the best of ‘intentions’ (there’s that fucking word again) but for some reason or another the follow through just does not happen – how is the person ‘expecting’ certain behaviours supposed to feel? Should they change their expectations? What about the person who is trying to do what needs to be done – how are they supposed to react to such requests? What happens when they feel under duress, the ‘obligation/duty/guilt’ thing, the pressure to perform – doesn’t that kind of blow love right out of the water?

Also is it a function of age or experiences? Do we act more foolish when we fall in love at younger ages and then with age we grow more cautious/distant – is that a function of getting burned? And do this always HAVE to change as a relationship grows into something more serious than dating? In other words are people (I am going to go on a limb here and say women – but I know of men who want romance too) – expecting too much if they are married and still want little romantic gestures or should marriage be the death of sweet nothings?

It’s like the scene in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’:


********

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

********

I mean is this what happens???

Oh sure some of us are lucky – I had made a post just a little while ago called ‘2 Hours…’ thought better of it and deleted it...I was actually referring to a 2-hour long conversation between my love and I – yes indeed some of us get lucky – and the conversation is titillating and engaging. Hopefully it continues to be so…hopefully

But if wishes were horses...

Re-past...post

(I am re-posting this cause I am in a weird mood and because of the last paragraph I wrote in this post...it always seemed to poignant - yeah go me...)

********

'If you can't fix it...you gotta stand it...'

You know I try, and I try and I try...

I try to be compassionate - I try to understand - I try to feel for the loss he's going through - the pain...but something inside me breaks all the time and I just can't deal with it...I want to apologise but I don't owe him an apology for anything anymore...

There's so much pain and sorrow built up in my heart and I so want to clear the air between us because it's so dark and dank - but I can never do that because he absolutely refuses to tell the truth....refuses to acknowledge what really happened and he just wants to keep plunging that ostrich head of his in the sand and hiding and I can't do it anymore - it needs to breathe - it needs the light of day...so I can crawl out from underneath the weight of it all - because in my most vulnerable moments it overtakes me and I am shaking from the burden...lost, again...

All the sadness all the fear - it clings to me and like a snake, I want to molt it off and rise away from it and become whole again - and sometimes it takes all the strength I have just to try to step away from that dead skin....

...and all the while the sentinels on the bridge watch - with their impenetrable granite countenances that show nothing, no sense of pity or compassion, just dead - dead like the weight that used to be our love...

One post leads to another...

2006 DARWIN AWARDS


Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger aga in. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus Driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

@#$%*&$#@*#$@&*+#$%&*@

Motherfuckingsonofabitch

I am FUCKING furious.

OK so I have a lack of sleep going on…I am not feeling my best. I have not worked out and I am having Erin withdrawal…whatever. This does not mean my anger is unwarranted here...

On my way into work today, I am driving along minding my own business when suddenly the man driving the truck in front of me felt it necessary to pitch his lit fucking cigarette out the window – it hit my window and had my window been open just a tiny crack, the glowing ember would have hit me right in the face. (For the record, sometimes, when I am tired I have my window open a crack to let in fresh air).

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!

I've complained about this before....and don't even go to the place where I am trying to persecute smokers - how would you feel if you saw somebody dump a bag of garbage on the freeway - what if it caused you to have an accident? Wouldn't you want to kill that jerk - well being hit in the face with a hot ember is worse, NO???

How dare you people who do this, do this! Who the fuck do you think you are???? What gives you the right to throw your trash out the fucking window – and yes your LIT cigarette butt qualifies as trash. YOU MOTERFUCKING STUPID LAZY ASSHOLES! USE YOUR FUCKING ASHTRAYS!!!!!!!!!

'They' say...

...the road to hell is paved with good intentions....

and so it would appear that's the case.


Just saying...

Life: On $7.25/hour

Life: On $7.25/hour

(via C2)

...yeah I'd like to see the a**holes in Congress and the Senate live on $7.25/hour - bastards.

I know *I* could not live on a wage like that - not anymore. Maybe at the ripe old age of 17 I could have - but that would have meant me living at home, having mom/dad support me and no frills such as: a car of my own, or partying, or paying for most of my college expenses....

How the hell do they expect people to make ends meet let alone SAVE money for retirement on such wages?

Causes of Sibling Spats

The Causes of Sibling Spats

...you know....

I'd ask my siblings to weigh in on this but it would probably cause a fight

(*smirks*)

^~^

Yoga Update

Monday was the beginning of a new Yoga class where I work.

The room was packed with new students. The class was fun – everyone actually laughed at my jokes and the class went really well considering it was SRO (and some people actually WERE standing in the back just watching).

I am not sure how many students this is going to garner us but it’s a wonderful way to begin the New Year.

Today, I had a conversation with the man who is the head of recreation at the community college where I am also going to be teaching come February. He had suffered a near-fatal heart attack and is now doing well. He sounded wonderful when we talked and I was genuinely glad to talk with him as well. He also sent me a contact to begin a Yoga program for a local gym/rec center. My dream (down the road) is to eventually make Yoga a full-time job. I need to be able to make at least what I make now (which is probably not going to happen), to have medical insurance and to be able to contribute to a retirement fund. These are DREAMS, the likelihood of actually materializing is dubious.

Yet I am happy and joyful to have the Yoga in my life again – even if it is looking like it’s going to be very hectic for me at times.

Blargh....

This weekend started off crappy and hasn't ended much better...(however, there were some wonderful bits in between...)

I locked myself out of my car on Friday (I never do shit like this...)

Luckily where I work, they offer assistance for the employees if you find yourself stranded somehow. So in the pouring rain I had to go to the guard 'tower' to ask for help. The kindly older woman let me sit there and wait for the 'grounds' crew to come help me out. Unfortunately it took them 1 1/2 hours to come let me into my car. This was unheard of - but the rain was coming down in buckets and at least I had a warm place to wait. The woman and I talked mainly of our children and life in general - she was very sweet and I gave her a hug as I left.

The bummer was I did not get to go see the movie and 'hang' with Mr. C. Instead I ended up going to a movie (Eragon) with Erin and his kids (which I kind of suggested (not Eragon - I actually suggested watching Mary Poppins) - I am sure Erin is sick of me by now).

We were late for the movie - and I felt bad for the kids on that count but we did not miss too much. BTW if you are not an 8 to 11 year old - this film was pretty lame - but it's a good one to take the kids to see.



I ended up having an unexpected joy in spending the night with Erin - that was lovely. I left his house early morning to try to go get into a Yoga seminar but found I could not. SO I puttered around the house and did laundry. I called Erin later on in the day and mentioned I'd love to see his son play soccer - I was allowed to go watch the game and this was really nice. I do love watching both kids play - it's one of my favourtie things to do. I miss my own son's hockey and baseball games so this means a lot to me and it means a lot that Erin allows me to tag along.

I spent the rest of the evening with Erin and the kids..which was nice. We got to eat dinner together and I played a game with his daughter and then got to be with Erin for a little while. These are truly gifts - for months ago this would not have happened - I am very thankful to be able to be with them whenever I can. It's becoming harder to NOT be with them...

Today I went to mass and then lunch with Erin and the children Again lovely. Went home afterwards and meant to get so much done but I began to feel a really bad cold coming on and as I type this my head feels stuffed with cotton balls and rubber cement and I am achy and all I want is to have Erin holding me. Instead I will go jump in a steaming shower and hope that my head clears....cause I feel like crap and I have to teach Yoga tomorrow and the class is probably going to be huge...


bleh...

The Relationship Tango

The Relationship Tango

Again very interesting, thought-provoking questions...for anyone in a long-term relationship/marriage

Why Do Men Spend So Much Time at Their Jobs?

Why Do Men Spend So Much Time at Their Jobs?

Hmmmm....interesting and thought provoking. In some cases it explains a lot about the dynamic of what happens to relationships as they progress....

The Cave of the Yellow Dog

The Cave of the Yellow Dog

Tonight's movie with Mr. C...


Woo Woo!

^_~

Observational rant....

You know - I HATE Yahoo - don't you?

Yeah Yahoo answers - the latest batch of lame-I-am-actually-asking-the-folks-at-Yahoo question that really set me off was: 'Can we reverse global warming?'

You fucktard - you are asking Yahoo this question??????

You've got to be kidding me, right? Go take a science class, OK.

And why is it old boyfriends and people who 'want' me are suddenly coming out of the woodwork - drunk calling is not attractive my dear....

*sighs*

Yeah - I need to fucking shut the hell up now....

"God is a bullet, have mercy on us, everyone."

(Now listening to: Concrete Blonde: 'Recollection')

Darkness descends upon me....

I am feeling these 'energies' so acutely. I am trying to sort through them, without much luck.

There's just some recent events that have triggered this dissatisfaction to come bubbling to the surface - I want to go to my room and lock out the world.

I am wondering about certain 'issues' in my life, about my relationships and thinking about whether I should even open my mouth of if actions (or I am thinking inaction), will just speak the loudest. Perhaps I should just back off for a while and see what happens - again the doubts - I've tried 'turning them over' but they aren't budging and it really is beginning to give me pause. I am tired of being the one giving the most all the time (it has nothing to do with that compassionate streak I seem to possess which I wish I could rid myself of at times). I am just tired and it's time to stop. Oh well...if things are meant to pan out they will - if not so be it....

"It would seem to me I remember every single fucking thing I know..."

(Now listening to The Tragically Hip: ‘At the 100th Meridian’)

So the other day as I was cleaning a bit (I still need to REALLY clean and purge – it’s a new year after all, out with the old and thus this post)...

I came across an old journal and love letters from my recent ex. Not using my best judgment I read and was immediately depressed and upset. We used to keep a journal together (a diary) where we would write little notes, poetry all about our love and longing for each other…the writing was beautiful – the letters he had sent me were amazing. Problem was, he was also writing such things to other women – even when we were first courting. So, while the writing pulled at my heart strings with it’s love, longing and beauty, my insides were torn up over the betrayal.

I was asking myself WHY? Why do we keep this shit? Do we keep it so we can feel better about things? Do we keep it to be melancholy? Do we kept it because it reminds us of better times and our current love situation sucks or isn’t as romantic?

WHY?

I have some lovely writing from my current love – it is worth it’s weight in gold – yet there was something about these writings – perhaps cause we both participated at the same time? I don’t know and now I am wondering what to do – do I build a bonfire? Do I destroy the letters/journal. Some of the stuff we wrote was amazing – should I post it?

********

To my dear friend/confidant.

I am here for you (always) as you are and (always) have been for me. Lean on me. (LOL) You’re not heavy, you’re my brother...

I love you dear. See you later.

To the person that hurt you. If I could write to you in your language I would but I can’t perhaps I will try to find a way – but then you don’t even know I exist, part of me wishes just to hurt you back he’d tell you he’s been seeing/doing me (but that’s a lie) – it’s just that I want you to feel the pain that he’s feeling – of course for all I know you ARE in pain – and who am I to judge you – it’s just that he’s my friend and he’s dear to me and part of me wants to bitch slap you. So hopefully whatever game you feel you need to play you will either win soon or lose so miserably that you will think twice before you do this to any other man....I’d say good luck but I would not mean those words.

How Women Pick Mates

How Women Pick Mates

Hmmm....

Wonder what category Erin fits into...(to me he is a bit of both).

For my daughter and new grand-daughter

"Babies are bits of stardust blown from the hand of God; Lucky is the woman who has felt the pangs of birth, for she has held a star"

Welcome to the world, little one.

Please...

Say a prayer for my daughter. She is in for her c-section today.

I am going to be a wreck until I hear from them.


Thanks to you all.

C -

"..too busy writing your tragedy..."

(Now listening to soundtrack from Gardenstate)

...yeah so I am realising that this is how I manage to blow things up in my life...I end up too busy to pay attention to the 'good stuff'. I fret and I worry about all the bad stuff...which in turn drives those around me crazy and/or away....

I am such a tard at times.

I want forever NOW! More on that later....

And WHAT. THE. FUCK. is up with this no snow shit???????????

It's going to be 50 friggin' degrees today. WTF???????????????????????????????????

Maybe that's why I am a bit out of sorts. It's January and there's been no snow. I feel for those of you out in Denver but hey could you just air-lift some our way. Those of you who are enjoying this weather - get stuffed - I want snow OK - I want to frolic and play IN THE SNOW!

Yeah so last night I went to Erin's after his daughter's game - Tuesday night is his night without the kids - so the weeks that he has his kids this is 'our' night. I showed up and he was out of sorts. The girls lost their game and they got trounced badly. I think it's hard for him when this happens. So I felt like I could not connect with him very well. I don't know what to do when this happens - the 'old' me would have just left. Instead I felt restless a bit frazzled. We put in one of my favourite movies "The Last of the Mohicans". I love this film - it's a bit brutal but very well done and besides I am just a spaz for Daniel Day-Lewis (he is on 'the list')...



Since I was feeling restless, I ended up on the floor - finally Erin joined me and we watched the romantic bits together and then something 'clicked' between us and we reconnected. I am learning about patience (and my lack thereof) in this relationship and I am learning that it pays to be patient.

After the movie, I wanted to go outside; the moon was full and there was a 'halo'/ring encircling. Just gorgeous. I needed to be out in the elements under the moon. There's a pull I can feel - a comfort I take in communing with the Goddess. I was asking for forgiveness.

********

Lest it ever be forgotten I am a Priestess in a Pagan tradition - this post is about to take a detour. Since I've been away from home lately, the stray cat I feed has been feeling 'neglected' - she still gets fed, my son feeds her - but on New Year's day, I stopped at home because I needed to pick up some clothes and when I arrived there, dead at the bottom of the steps leading to our back porch was a Mourning dove whose throat had been slashed. The perpetrator of the 'crime' was the black stray 'Lucy' (yep that Lucifer name sure seems to fit her) - she was meowing at me - offering up the bird and trying to get me to pet her. I was horrified. I KNOW this is her 'instinct' at work, but I was really upset - I don't need to be brought 'gifts' by this cat. So I went into my house and gathered things up but I was so distraught I sat down for a moment and cried - I don't know why nature upsets me so....

Yesterday I was at home before I went to meet Erin at his place. Lucy came up to me as I got out of my car and was meowing and begging for pets - I did not pet her. She ran up on the porch and looked down at her empty bowl and I said 'Lucy you killed a beautiful bird and did not eat it - if you are hungry go catch a mouse!' I went into my house, futzed around a little and got ready to leave. I went to leave the house and as I stepped outside I nearly stepped on a dead mouse. Holy Shit! So now Lucy is killing on command. I was beside myself. I grabbed something to pick up the mouse with and threw it in the trash. The body was still warm....I felt sick...

So I went out to beg a bit of forgiveness - I know you guys think this is crazy - I will grant you weird - but not crazy. So now I am not sure what to do about Lucy - I want to make her an indoor cat but she would not be happy and I can't have her killing innocent animals and bringing them to me as offerings - I must say she'd be one helluva cat to have in a circle during ritual. I don't want to starve her - I am pretty sure her humans have abandoned her - I am not sure what to do now....yes, yes, it's instinct so it's futile. But perhaps if I feed her less she will eat what she kills....

********

So back to being under a full moon - I told Erin I was going out and he decided to join me...he saw the moon and went to get a camera to take pictures. I mainly just wanted to be out - I wandered away from him while he took his pictures - it could have been a more romantic moment between us but perhaps that was not meant to be....

After a bit we went back in and had a very late, light dinner - complete with an 'international dessert' of boiled sweetened condensed milk - too funny - very interesting.

We then made our way to love and finally to sleep.

When I say I want the future to be NOW - this is what I mean - I see a future with Erin - I just have to be patient and sometimes it's so hard to be patient and wait. All the cliches in the world aren't going to help me to get over this impatience of mine - I just have to keep reminding myself to stay with the moment, to breathe, to accept and to revel in the gift of love and second chance that I've been granted. We seem to be so good for each other. When I am with him - even through the rough patches, this relationship seems to work - I am hoping against hope that time does not diminish our love but helps to make us stronger - I am not sure we can be more in love with each other - like the tide under the moon this love will ebb and flow (hopefully more flow than ebb) - as the sea returns to the shore, hopefully, we will keep returning to each other - sharing our lives, learning from each other - living through each moment day by day, season by season, dawn to twilight - each day ending in each other's arms - our home and respite from the weary world.