Putin: U.S. has triggered new arms race

Putin: U.S. has triggered new arms race

Great - just great!

I feel slightly sick now....way to go Uncle Sam.

Dr. Menlo: Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

Dr. Menlo: Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

Good Lord, man...

No pun intended....yeah I know it's evil - what can I say....

Wedding Gowns

Wedding Gowns

Can someone please explain to me what is up with the looking like you are wearing drapes/shades???

Never fear - this isn't the gown I'll be wearing....love the bodice, hate the skirt.

Cleveland Breast Cancer 3-Day

Cleveland Breast Cancer 3-Day

UPDATE:

Yeah....(I keep being told that my 'give a damn ain't broke')

Anywho...

I wrote a letter citing my indignation to the people that run this event...got absolutely no reponse..

Surprised?

No, not really. But upset nonetheless.

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

(LOL - you know...I was hoping to be told it was more like 'Casablanca' but this works out perfect in the happy ending department *smiles* - I love you Sir Erin)

Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one. You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun. Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

Ohio lethal injection takes 2 hours, 10 tries

Ohio lethal injection takes 2 hours, 10 tries

THIS is bullshit!

We seriously need to rethink state sponsored murder kids...

Dreams

I can’t dream...

Yet...

I sense you there...hovering, waiting for me...for me to come to you…

Then,

You will wrap yourself around me, pull me close, whisper in my ear, tell me things are going to be OK...

There,

I want to go – to be with you, to take you with me – more than anything - to be released and free, flowing together...

...as we were always meant to be..

"I hear her call 'sweet dreams'....

...but I forget how to dream..."

Not forget, exactly....but...yeah I haven't been dreaming. It's really freaking me out too...and I think it is causing other problems as well...

I believe this all started when I was down in Columbus and Erin and I had our first 'date' - we were suppose to get together that evening but were unable to and instead he came to me in my dreams....(now, some of you may not believe in this stuff - not that I care whether you do or not)...

In essence since that time, I've not really been dreaming. There have been some notable exceptions...like when Eirn and i switch sides of the bed...then not only do I dream (well more at least) but we soemtimes dream 'in tandem'...very cool I might add.

So this whole situation has me a bit shaken and wanting my dreams to return to normal...even if they end up being nightmares...

Alligator captured near Los Angeles lake

Alligator captured near Los Angeles lake

I think what struck me most about this story was the following:

"We'd bring our chairs out here and a bag of fruit, and we'd talk with people we didn't even know," Danny Gutierrez said.

The gator inspired a zydeco song, two children's books and innumerable T-shirts. Students at Los Angeles Harbor College next to the lake adopted Reggie as a second mascot.

**********

Like WOW. It's a sad commentary when it takes a gator to bring neighbors together (I mean it's a good thing too) - but sad cause we don't do it on our own...

That and 'gator' as a marketing 'gimmick'....um...OK

^_^

Study: JFK lone-gunman evidence 'not a slam dunk'

Study: JFK lone-gunman evidence 'not a slam dunk'

No kidding....

(I have always been a sort of JFK Assasination 'junkie' - I actually own a copy of the Warren Commission's (useless) report).

Astrology Notes

(This is extremely important to me in terms of some issues I am struggling with right now....)

It's time to tune in to your deepest core principles and create a larger vision! Neptune takes 14 years to transit through a sign, and has been transiting through Aquarius since 1998. On May 24, as Neptune begins its yearly retrograde -- a period that will last until October 31 -- it is time to revisit a dream, an ideal or a vision you've had. Think about how far you’ve come over the last nine years, as you have been prompted to make positive, healthy changes in your life. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Neptune in Aquarius represents the quest for a better life, for freedom, equality, peace and contentment. With this placement we are all tuned in to our hopes, our wishes and our dreams. It is time once again with the retrograde to see how you can realign yourself and your life to encompass these principles

Passive Agressive Notes

Passive Aggressive Notes

HYSTERICAL!

It's blog of the week (yeah I know it's been a while)
Via the very 'evil' (but certainly NOT passive agressive), C2.

^_^

Crossroads

(Listening to Iron & Wine in concert)

There comes a time in your life where you have to face your own inadequacies…where you want to crawl under a rock and die….because of those lackings on your part.

I don’t want to be better than anyone else. I don’t want to be ‘perfect’ – I despise such things – I shun them because they reek of ego and I try as much as possible to squelch my ego every chance I get….it only leads to problems.

I *think* I have a big heart. I *think* I am compassionate. A lot of times I find this gets me into trouble. I reach out to the wrong people. I do too much for others and barely anything for myself.

I am faced with some very heavy decisions right now. There’s a lot weighing on my mind, my heart, my very soul feels weighted down. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I certainly don’t want to choose the wrong path and ultimately ruin anyone’s life (including my own)….there’s just too much at stake here.

I am desperately trying to hold on, to keep my equanimity and equilibrium as I try to balance everything and juggle/dancing as fast as I can. I really just need to step back and regroup. Prayer – prayer and fasting perhaps are in order here….I have to laugh, the girl I work with here in the office told me not to pray for strength because then God only sends you ‘challenges’ to make you stronger – God seems to have a devious side…

So instead pray for what? She said – pray for courage. Courage to make the right decisions, courage to stay the course, courage to do what you *HAVE* to do…
And again, this brings to mind my favourite prayer – the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me
The serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage
To change the things I can;
And the Wisdom
To Know the Difference

I feel at times like this has become a mantra for me….so often do I say it silently in my mind. Peace and tranquility seem just out of reach – yet hovering – if only I could manage to reach out, latch on, and hang on for all I am worth…

NPR: Portuguese Music: Pt. II

Portuguese Music: Pt. II

Last night, Erin and I danced to the music of 'Buddha Bar' out in the back yard, at dusk, with candles lit, under a crescent moon as the stars were just beginning to shine...

This is a link about some other world music - it also has a link on the sidebar of live concerts that may interest you.

Enjoy!

'The eyes are the light of the soul....'

....yeah....

So today was my pre-op visit for my upcoming eye surgery.

For starters, I am one of the youngest people to have ever been diagnosed with glaucoma (I guess that's what you get when you quit marijuana - just kidding...) anyhow the reason I know this - other than my eye doctor's shcok at my diagnosis - was because when I went to have the surgery done for my other eye - old women kept coming up to me asking me what I 'was doing there....I was too young to be having such a surgery'.

The surgery that will be performed on me is called a Trabeculectomy. Usually, conventional surgery or filtering microsurgery is used when management of glaucoma through medication and laser surgery has failed or is less desirable. Trabeculectomy is most commonly used to prevent or curtail damage to the optic nerve by reducing intraocular pressure. In this procedure, a small incision is made in the sclera of the eye, and a flap of tissue is left to cover the incision, allowing slow release of fluid from the inside the eye to its outer layers. The procedure results in the formation of a small blister-like bump called a “bleb.” The bleb is covered by the eyelid and is usually not visible. The excess fluid is carried away as it is absorbed into the bloodstream.

Neato.

I had this surgery scheduled quite a while back, however, at the time I was going through some serious infections-like problems (you can go back in the blog - there was actually a cancer scare at that time for me...).

Today when I went in to be seen - the woman at the pre-op interview did not have my name correct at all - nor did she know when my surgery was....she sent me down for my 'pre-op testing'.

At pre-op testing, one is suppose to have an EKG and blood work. None of this was done for me. The nurse seeing me did not know why. She also had the wrong date for my surgery. I finally met with the doctor who was suppose to be overseeing my visit. He talked with me - he was a very kind and intelligent older man. He listened to my heart - told me my blood pressure and weight were excellent (YAY!) and I explained what happened to me last time and asked why neither an EKG or blood work were scheduled for me. He assured me I would be fine - he siad I was a very healthy woman and unless I begin to feel ill there is no reason for me to be concerned and I should do just fine for the surgery.

Then back upstairs to the eye doctor for my 'outcome' visit - now the name of this visit is rather confusing because one would think that 'outcome' represents the aftermath of the event - but not in this case....

At any rate I was roomed by the nurse who then began grilling me about why I did not have my chart. She ended up hunting down my chart. Talked with me briefly, made me read and eye chart (don't ask me why I wasnt' there for an eye exam), and then informed me I was not even seeing the doctor - so the entire visit was a waste of my time....

The good thing that came of this was that I got to put down Erin as my emergency contact and got rid of my ex's info in the system - Lord knows I don't want them calling him....

Also I was very happy to see I am maintaining my weight and that my blood pressure and health seemed in good standing.

Now to have the eye surgery so I can walk around looking like a 'borg' (cause of the freaky metal eye patch thingy), and then look like someone punched me in the face...fun, fun, fun....

IRONY

IRONY

This my friends is truly the definition of irony....


geez...

Spinning my wheels...

I have spent all day today (in many aspects) feeling like I've been spinning my wheels and I am getting really sick of that feeling.

Temptation...

Finished this (finally) this weekend...

Whenever I had a chance I was reading – but it’s a very intense book and sometimes was best doled out in small doses...

I am torn about what to say here. In some ways this book made me very angry. In other ways it was one of the most enlightening reads I have had in my life.

The light that was shed on Jesus as a man is fresh, and searing at the same time – you almost feel as if your soul is being held to the fire.

I can totally understand (and similarly condemn) the church’s (Catholic) view on this book. I believe any Christian would be well served reading this novel.

Kazantzakis was incredibly ahead of his time and a very brave man – I don’t want to give away too much though (just in case any of you ARE going to read this book). However in his approach – not only to Christ’s all too real ‘humanness’ but also on the way the betrayal was handled and, on his creation of Christ’s ‘last temptation’ - all swirl together (realistically/and horrifically ), culminating in real moments of soul searching for the reader.

I’d love to talk more in depth about this book and I am hoping to do so, on a much more intense level. I’d love to hear some other opinions from people who have read this book and/or those who fancy themselves ‘scholarly’ in such pursuits – hell (LOL) I’d LOVE to talk to one of our priests about this book.

At any rate…some of the most breath-takingly beautiful passages I have ever read in my life are contained within the pages of this book – I highly recommend this to all of you – be prepared to be challenged and made rather uncomfortable (especially if you consider yourself a Christian).

A beintot mes amis
Colette

Cleveland Breast Cancer 3-Day

Cleveland Breast Cancer 3-Day

Um...OK

I am probably going to piss some people off by saying what I am about to say....

I am ALL FOR charity causes. I AM FURIOUS - that this is coming off as elitist as this is...

In order to participate, not only do you have to spend $90 to register (that's fine) but you have to agree to raise at least $2,200.00 for the cause.

Um...what if you can only raise $500???? Is that not important enough???

WHAT.THE.FUCK?

To Hell and Back

...where Erin and I went last night...


^_^

Conference ponders Lincoln's survival

Conference ponders Lincoln's survival




Um...er...your tax dollars hard at work? I mean why ARE WE even pondering such stuff?

4 Men Charged with Publicly Stoning Iraqi Girl

4 Men Charged with Publicliy Stoning Iraqi Girl

(PLEASE NOTE: Images are disturbing here).

I hate seeing shit like this - it makes my heart ache..

I hope these men are stoned to death themselves (and no, I don't believe in capital punishment or 'an eye for an eye' - but this sort of practice sickens me).

Music...

...and a playlist....

What I've been listening to lately:

This one is in honour of Erin & I going with his family to see 'The Rat Pack' (off-Broadway show - it was really well done and fun)



I have to laugh about this because a lot of times Erin will put in music that I have not listened to in a long while - now we are just going to have to figure out what to do with our duplicates..



I was listening to this one on the way in to work this morning -jazzy and sharp - some awkward moments but all in all a good album.



A classic - a must own album (I need to get a copy of Daja Vu as well)...



Then there's my 'playlist' - one of the things I did when I ended my marriage was I began to make more of my own CDs for while I was in the car or just to listen to - I dragged out a couple of those CDs and came across an interesting play list (perhaps these are songs you have not heard in a while) - at any rate, it's been nice re-listening over the past couple of days...this particular list is off of a group of CDs I've entitled 'Just Because' - no theme or pattern - just because...

"Just Because" (The original)

'Give a Little Bit' - Supertramp
'All Through the Night' - Cyndi Lauper
'Your Song' - Elton John
'By My Side' - Godspell soundtrack
'Is This Real?' - Lisa Hall (Practical Magic soundtrack)
'Intuition' - Jewel
'West End Girls' - Pet Shop Boys
'I Want to Come Over' - Melissa Etheridge (EXCELLENT ALBUM BTW)
'Hold Me Now' - Thompson Twins
'Lola' - The Kinks
I'm a Believer' - Smashmouth (Shrek soundtrack)
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
'Dreadlock Holiday' - 10CC
'Lay Down (Candles in the Rain)' - Melanie
'Riders on the Storm' - The Doors

*************

What would I do without music? I think I'd rather go blind than deaf....

HELL!

(LOL)

I went to hell and back last night....more on this later

The 'Marketeers'...

(Yeah they’re kind of like Mouseketeers - only way more evil…)

Yesterday, I had an ‘opportunity’ in conjunction with the doctor from Integrative Medicine to give a demo to our marketing department.

As an aside I don’t want to hear any crap about what I am about to say here – I used to be in marketing.

To say that these people have ever been on the ball or even useful would be the understatement of the century – we have received virtually NO help from them

Before my demo – the doctor I work with gave a talk – they kept interrupting her – which was fine she welcomes questions – but I did not get the feeling they really grasped what she was discussing. Some of them had some great questions though. One woman in particular was really annoying – not only did she interrupt to discuss her own PERSONAL experience with Acupuncture – she started spouting off about Acupuncture as if she was an expert on the subject. Now I personally do not have a problem with people discussing their experiences but don’t act like an expert unless you are one. She was saying that acupuncture is one of the oldest forms of medicine some 3,000 yrs old – and this may well be true – but again this was not even the gist of the talk. She was a good mouthpiece in regard to being a ‘cheerleader’ for the cause.

So I got up to do my demo – I gave my history, my credentials and then began talking about Yoga and the first thing I said was Yoga is 5,000 years old (which it is) – Yoga is also associated with an ancient system of medicine known as Ayurvedic (Medicine) – Yoga is one aspect of this practice. I talked about the current class offerings and then I led the ‘Marketeers’ in a Yoga demo – it was well received and I was given a round of applause.

I am hoping that this meeting is helpful in getting more clients/patients and in breaking down the barriers to using Alternative Medicine as a valid method of healing.

Additions...

...to make to our film library....

Affirmative action is failing in South Africa

Affirmative action is failing in South Africa


Show of hands...who's surprised by this?

Anyone?

(*rolls eyes*)

An 'awwww' moment

Today at work there were people from park services here to ‘tag’ 3 baby falcons. You could hear the babies screaming all the way down the hall so we all went to check out the scene.

The baby male falcon was beautiful white with flecks of grey in his downy feathers. His ‘mommy’ waited anxiously outside on the ledge for the return of her baby boy...every now and then she would echo his cries. I asked one of the rangers if she would accept him after they handled him like that – he assured me she could not ‘smell’ and that she would accept her babies back.

What a beautiful sight – a little sad because the birds were crying for their mom – and sometimes I wonder at the necessity of doing such things to animals – but in the end I have to believe its important for the survival of the species.

“Let’s Give ‘Em Something to Talk About”

(Now listening to: "Let's Give 'Em Something to Talk About" - Bonnie Raitt)

Ya know...

People frighten me...

I am so abosofuckinlutely sick of gossip and negativity – seriously...

Not that long ago I report and unbeknownst to me I had not only set my wedding date (we DO kind of have a date but we are waiting on Erin’s annulment to come through), but I was having my reception at the Renaissance in Cleveland, OH (a 5 star hotel).

Yeah so the other day Erin came into where I work to be seen by a doctor – he was in my office, we went to get coffee together, he went to his appointment, then he came back up, when he left I walked him to the elevator and gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. 3 friggin’ idiots from my office called the nurse I worked with to complain about this...

WHAT.THE.FUCK?

Do you people have lives? Better yet do you have work to do? If you don’t, I can give you some of my work to do for me...

I almost never have people visit me in my office, I don’t take breaks, I don’t take lunches, I don’t gossip about other people and I do my job to the best of my ability.

So while I was at the retirement party for one of our co-workers, imagine how pleased I was to be totally embarrassed in front of 25 people when the nurse I work with told me she was getting phone calls ‘ALL DAY’ about Erin being in my office. ALL DAY? Excuse me????

Now this morning I get in to be accosted by yet another co-worker asking me how my ‘new car’ was? Huh? New Car? Apparently I just went out and bought a Chevy Colbalt. I went off on this chick and told her how totally sick I was of all the gossip.

I mean I don’t get it – I am truly not that interesting a person – certainly not interesting enough to generate so much gossip.

Again, get a life people.

For my love

Wishing you the best birthday possible.

I love you with all my heart (and other 'interesting' parts of me as well).

I can not wait to see you, tell you, and show you in person how glad I am that you are in my life.

C~

Travelogue...

(Obviously, part of this post is prior to the happenings in PA over the death of my uncle)

My sister and I drove in to PA on Friday night. It is Saturday morning, and I have stepped outside to greet the cool morning in the valley.

After making myself a cup of java (which is too sweet) – the brand name of the coffee is ‘Smart Roast’ – and right about now I feel that my coffee’s IQ is higher than mine…

Slept OK until my 5-yr-old niece turned on the ‘brighter-than-the-sun’ bedside lamp at 7:30 AM. I just wanted to sleep more….I conveyed this to my niece by growling (loudly). I know it’s rude…still.

So now I am escaping the room for a bit and the ‘noise’ as it were (TV etc). – I love her – she is adorable…it is just a bit too early for me….

I can’t believe it’s been over 10 months since I’ve watched any significant amount of TV.

So here I sit, taking in the morning air – spring has arrived here already, the trees are full of green leaves, I am sure because the temps are warmer here – the mountains probably protect this area from the cooler climes….this is probably why I have a sinus headache…

I go back to our room…just in time for a phone call from my cousin telling us that my uncle just passed away suddenly...

*************
Every thing kind of became a blur at this point...

I call Erin, he offers to do whatever I need him to do….he is sweet. We realise we have to go buy something to wear for the funeral home. We are told that my aunt has not even been told her brother is now dead...so now her daughter is on her way over there to inform her in person.

We go to find a local mall. I end up purchasing dresses and toiletries. My sister does not find anything.

We head over to my aunt’s house. This was my ‘home away from home’ as a child. I remember playing here, picnics here, watching fireworks here, leaning how to do cross-stitch here, listening to my cousins records here, playing pool here, having family parties here….it is bittersweet returning to this place, because all that is left is the echo of those memories….like a long-lost song…

My aunt is doing well for being almost 90 yrs old. She is upset, very upset and I feel at a lost to comfort her….how do you comfort someone who just lost their sibling – especially when my mother died over 30 years ago (so she lost her only sister when my mother died)…so hard, so difficult, so sad seeing her suffer yet another loss.

My sister and I do our best to keep her company to entertain her – to please her by eating – yes I ended up eating a ham sandwich to make her happy and then later pizza with sausage….all because I don’t think she needed me add insult to injury by refusing her food….

My cousin shows up to ‘inform’ her mother in person – but my aunt already knows – her daughter-in-law told her over the phone….they sit and talk about the ‘injustice’ of not being notified by the actual wife and daughter of my uncle. We find out that my other uncle (the youngest of my mother’s siblings) is heading in form NYC – he had been driving in himself to see his brother when his wife stopped him on the turnpike to tell him to turn around and get her and because his brother is now dead and she wants to go to the funeral with him...

Nuts. Family stuff is nuts.

I pace a lot. We make phone calls, order flowers. Help my aunt to cope. I call Erin – he talks with me – calms me, soothes me, offers to come down. I hesitate. I go back in the house…pace more. I talk with my sister about Erin’s offer to come down. I am torn – I want him with me – but I don’t want him to go to all the trouble. My sister tells me that perhaps it’s not a bad idea, considering we don’t know how long my aunt is going to be around and he should probably meet this part of the family...

I pace more – we eat...

I end up calling Erin – to find out that he has been doing research on coming down regardless (this basically means he looked up billiards halls and was going to drive to Pittsburgh and then call me from the road to tell me he was ‘checking out a new pool hall’ – I am sure had he done this I would have hung up on him thinking him rude for calling me about a pool hall when I was mourning my uncle….)

I tell him to come down.

My sister and I leave my Aunt J and go off to find her and her daughter a dress to wear to the funeral home for the next evening. We get a call from my Aunt J’s son and are invited over to his home for later that evening for drinks and hors d’oeuvres…we are not due there until 8PM – I am hoping Erin makes it down by then. We call our other cousin to let her know we have to bow out on seeing that side of the family tomorrow because of our uncle’s passing….she also invites us to a party for that evening….(I begin to think I need to move to Pittsburgh)...

Erin arrives just as my sister was about to leave. We hug and kiss and I am at once comforted and so very much in love with him for doing this – I knew he was the kind of man I could depend on before this happened – this just confirms those feelings again.

We travel to my cousin’s house. We all talk – Erin entertains my niece (she adores him – smart child that she is...).

My family welcomes Erin – they are gracious and kind – I am grateful and happy for this – a little nervous about him meeting Aunt J - .

We spend a nice evening and then head back to the hotel. My niece wants Erin to ‘sleep with us’ we all laugh at this. My sister puts my niece down and Erin and I head out to do some shopping cause he forgot to pack PJs and I forgot to get make up – mainly cause I don’t usually wear makeup.

We get back to the room stifling our laughter for my sister and niece are asleep. We get ready for bed and snuggle in together. Part of me wishes we could have some privacy. But regardless, I am with my love, he is by my side...

I barely sleep.

Morning comes and we rise and begin to get ready to go to mass together in our old neighborhood – I am going to get to show Erin where I grew up...

We go to mass – I want to check the priest and the congregants for a pulse. Before mass we walk around my old ‘stomping grounds’ - it feels foreign and strange. After mass we go to one of the other areas I used to hang in to pick up lunchmeat and bread for lunch for my aunt.

We then go to my Aunt J’s house. We go in and kiss her and hug her and then I bring Erin forward. My aunt is practically blind but she greets Erin warmly. We hang out and talk – I show Erin around. We have lunch. Meanwhile during all of this Erin has decided in order to help keep my niece occupied he is going to ‘make butter’ – he bought a pint of heavy whipping cream and he shakes the container and has my niece do the same….by the time we sit down to lunch there is fresh butter. My aunt is amazed…he manages to get her to laugh – I fall even more in love...

I end up laying down to take a nap (I have a migraine). While I am trying to nap, I can hear Erin playing outside with my niece. So many memories come rushing at me of the times I used to be playing in the back yard with my cousins.

I get up to freshen up and not long afterwards, my uncle Donnie from NYC shows up. It is wonderful to see him again. He is sad as well. We all head to the funeral home.

We are there early and are afforded some private time for our goodbyes. I am close to my Aunt J- as she approaches the casket and she begin to sob – calling out my uncle’s name – reminiscing of the last time she saw him alive, recounting the times he would come to visit (every Tuesday), telling him he still had good years in him…I begin to cry myself – trying not to let her see me this way.

I spend the evening talking to cousins. Trying to place all the people that come to pay their respects who know me only as my mother’s daughter (this is Rose’s daughter, C – my aunt tells the elders as they press in on us to hug us). I am not my *own* person I become an extension of my past.

We stay for an hour. A priest comes and leads us in prayers...

We begin to take our leave. As I bend down to say goodbye to my Aunt J – she hugs me and kisses me and tells me that Erin ‘is a keeper’ and gives me a smile and a thumbs up – I have never in my life had my aunt do such a thing to me. Despite my sorrow, my heart is joyful.

We leave in our separate vehicles to head back to Ohio.

I get to Erin’s very late, because I had to drive all the way to my sister’s in order to pick up my car. As I enter the bedroom I see he is writing – he had been up writing me a letter.

I climb into bed beside me fiancé and thank God for him...we fall asleep.

For Mr. C...

I am so sorry for you loss.

You are in my thoughts my dear.

Love,
C -

A Quote (stolen from Mina - borrowed from Betrand Russell)

"The trouble with the world, is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt"
- - Betrand Russell

Well that sure explains some things about certain people I know....

A car-jacking

Yes I was involved in a slight car-jacking attempt today....

(*letting it sink in*)

























So anyway - I stayed at Erin's last night - he had an early appt where I work, this morning for a doctor's follow up. He left the house before I do - this is very rare - he said he was going to 'clear the way' for me....

So I start my drive in and I noticed once I got on the main drag that he was just ahead of me ('odd' I thought to myself) - so I pull up alongside and he waves at me and I wave back and we smile. We drive along and get to a stop light. Suddenly, he gets out of his truck comes around to my side of the car, opens my door, and puts a bouquet of flowers in my lap...

(*Note to self: really should learn to lock those car doors*)

Seriously though....

Quelle Homme!

Je t'aime beacoup, cheri. Je t'aime plus qu'hier, moins que demain. (I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow).

"A Time of Innocence..."

“Time it was and what a time it was it was,
A time of innocence a time of confidences.

Long ago it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you”

- Simon & Garfunkle

This weekend I was going to PA with my sister and my niece to visit my Aunt Jada – just a social visit – my aging aunt is the closest living relation to our mother and we try to go for visits- my sister is much better at ‘visiting’ relative than I am…

We drove down Friday – I wrote down my impressions as I always do when I make such a journey a time stamp of the memory - (I will put that down as well)...

ON Saturday morning we were notified by my eldest cousin (my Aunt J’s daughter) that my uncle Frank has passed suddenly….

The world just sort of stopped….and when it began to rotate again – hell broke loose…

There are things I won’t comment on here because they amount to gossip – and yes when did *I* ever stop to consider gossip in the past….but this is more delicate I suppose and there’s no reason to be mean – no reason to speak ill of the dead…

Let’s chalk it up to being Italian in this case (yes I am well aware this happens with other families...) – but this one reeks of Italian-ness to me...

So taking a stroll down memory lane – it’s hard at times – there are things you want to remember, things you don’t want to be reminded of….

My mom’s side of the family were the side we were closest to – the ones we saw the most. I remember parties full of Italian food, music, laughter and more food – yeah we were Italian – go figure. I can still hear the words: “Mange! Mange!” ringing in my head.

The children that were the issue of my Italian grandparent’s union were gorgeous. My mother was stunning (I don’t know why I did not inherit her looks – I did inherit her body). Her brothers were incredibly handsome – and still were up until their deaths (for the most part – sure in some cases, the ravages of hard living and/or disease shown on their faces – but they were all very handsome men).

My uncle frank was charismatic, well-off, easy-going – he reminded me of the men of ‘that time’ period. The ‘Rat Pack’ sort of look/feel…Frank Sinatra tunes going through my head.

My relationship with his children, my 1st cousins was that of a ‘party’ sort of nature. We’d all get together for holidays – but it would always be for a party – we did not get together ‘just to get together’ like we did with my Aunt Jada’s family. My cousin Rocco is 3 months to the day older than me, my cousin Danny is my sister’s age and my cousin Chrissy is my youngest brother’s age. I remember several things about ‘Rocky’ mainly him being a lot ‘bigger’ than me – and a rough and tumble kid – quick to laugh and obviously he enjoyed the hell out of his life. One memorable occasion had him throwing me in their swimming pool not realising I could not swim – I almost drown. (After that my father gave me swimming lessons – I still fear the water). The other memory that sticks out (and is very tender) was the one from when my mother died. Rocky and I shared a private moment of smoking outside the funeral home (and yes it was more than an ‘ordinary’ cigarette) – and talking about being on the threshold of adulthood and our angst over life, our parents, school and al the BS that kids our age gripe about.

Unfortunately he was not there last night when I went to pay respects to my uncle and his family. Seeing my Aunt crying at his casket tore me up inside – she and her youngest brother are all that remain of my mother’s immediate family; Something I struggle with as I begin to realise they too will go one of these days and I will be left with just their memories and perhaps an item or two of theirs...

This will leave my cousins and I (on both sides of the family – for on my dad’s side there are only 3 remaining siblings now as well) – to forge a bond that will hopefully be as strong as the bonds I saw growing up amongst these 'larger-than-life' uncles and aunts of mine…sadly (as I told Erin – who drove all the way down to Pittsburgh to be by my side – more on that later) – I don’t think this will be the case unless one of us steps up to the plate and insists on taking the bull by the horns and trying despite our busy/hectic lives to stay in touch and see each other for more than just weddings and funerals – we all keep saying those words – time to put our money where our mouths are.

"To the Bat Cave, Robin..."

More on the cave in Nepal



(Sorry about the 'Batman' comment guys...I just had to...)

Wow...just...wonderful and magical...

A love as deep as the ocean

Funny….

I used to think of love as something that operated best based on a scarcity model...

The less you saw of each other – the more you seemed to want each other – although at the beginning you 'seem' to want to be together ALL the time...and yet, for most of us, that’s a really dangerous thing to do.

Dance along the edge...

So most of us don’t have the common sense and/or brains the good Lord gave us to us for such matters of great importance.

We fall in love, everything is shiny and new….we pursue our love with passion and excitement and then, slowly, things seem to fade, the colours aren’t as bright anymore…doldrums begin to set in or we get bored, distracted, antsy...

When I first began this relationship one of the best aspects was that we were ‘careful’ with each other – sure we WANTED to be together but there were some actual/natural barriers to our spending every waking moment together. Mainly our busy lives and being cognizant of E’s kids...

We are still busy in our lives. We still try to be cognizant of each other’s schedules and needs for ‘space’ – we don’t want to be ‘joined at the hip’ nor do I think that will ever be a problem for us...

Yet there is no one I’d rather spend my free time with.

Do I worry about things getting ‘old’ or us getting complacent? Sure, I want to keep the homes fires burning. But either one of us getting complacent? Ain’t gonna happen – not with Erin and I – both of us have had plenty of that in our lives and we won’t just hold on for the sake of holding on...

There is something about this love of ours that does not mirror any other love I have ever experienced – we keep ‘rediscovering’ each other and ‘reconnecting’ and yet still there is more to learn – like the depths of the ocean, I keep finding treasures as I explore.

You CAN go home again...

I am putting up the link from the last time I visited my old home town (Verona), PA.

I am taking a trip with my sister and my niece to visit my Aunt Jada. We will also stop to see part of the Irish side of the family for a bit.

It is still bittersweet going home. All the memories, all the feelings. Like going back in time - the pictures can become fuzzy, tainted with your own particular brand of hind-sight/perceptions....

The people I've lost over the years...my mom's siblings are reduced to just 3 left alive - as are my father's....sad - how I'd love for some of them to have lived to see me grown up with kids of my own, heck with grandkids (LOL) - and now, blissfully happy and in love.

I am so looking forward to taking Erin with me one day and sharing my memories with him...

Details upon my return.

Have a great weekend kids...

Wanna buy a town?

Wanna buy a town??

You know...

There was a couple that I was friends with years ago, and the wife was from a very wealthy family and she found out there was a 'ghost town' for sale somewhere in Arizona and she wanted to 'buy it' - I thought she was a spoiled rich kid then (I haven't altered that opinion at all)....

Buying a town???

Hmmmm - just seems like a strange thing to do...

Blue Tonic World

Blue Tonic World

Love this music...

Again, many thanks my love.

'A Wonderful Engagement'

A Wonderful Engagement





ACROSS
2 The "other" one
5 Colleen dream
7 The first play
9 Our heritage
12 Erin's most trusted
13 Critical relationship component
14 Favorite afterhours
15 Our activity
18 Gathering activity
19 Erin's nature
22 Frequented city
24 Curious companions
27 Croce song
28 Finding gifts and food
29 Our first dinner
30 Entertainment and inspiration media
31 Colleen's author

DOWN
1 European dream
3 Colleen's most trusted
4 Prepare food
6 Traditional union
8 On the couch activity
10 Peculiar nickname
11 Old haunt, new haunt
12 Meeting place
16 Art and intellect movement
17 "Magellanic Penguin" author
20 Our progeny
21 First holiday
23 The church
24 Erin and cats
25 Erin's author
26 Colleen's nickname

********

OK - now....this is a crossword puzzle my love created for me to work on while I am away in PA this weekend with my sister - or at least I think he meant for me to work on it while I am gone (I am working on it now BTW - cause I am one of those people who love solving crossword puzzles)

Sure - anyone can 'generate' a crossword puzzle - but how many of you have had your lovers, fiances husbands, boyfriends actually do anything like this?

Where did I find this guy? And how lucky am I?

(And for those of you out there who think that it's way too easy to impress me by doing something like this - answer the question I just raised above - have YOU ever done anything like this for your loved one? I know I haven't. )

He's amazing and I get to be with him for the rest of my life....repeating: 'How lucky *AM* I? Answer: Extremely lucky.

*happy sigh*

I love you, Erin - with all my heart.

Ancient Caves Found in Nepal

Ancient Caves Found in Nepal

Wow...how I'd love to go visit these places....

Jack the Ripper ID'ed???

Jack the Ripper Identified??

Hmmm...interesting/fascinating...

Hope blooming...

As I drive into work in the mornings now, the sun is already risen, flooding the horizon with its light and warmth….

A lot of the time the drive can be really stressful – people are well…idiots...

Luckily, there is a stretch of park (actually donated to the city of Cleveland by the Rockefellers) – that I get to drive through right before I get to work, so the affect is calming and allows me to notice the beauty of nature (no matter the season).

Now, as spring comes to the this part of the world, slowly the earth reawakens - the landscape seems to change daily. I keep watching, lest I miss something – it used to bother me when I’d suddenly notice the trees with lush with foliage and I’d feel like I’d been robbed of something important...

Now the trees are covered at the ends of their branches with a fine ‘lacing’ of green – delicate – almost ethereal in quality. Verdant and promising. Each day as the buds mature a little more and begin to turn into flowers and leaves, I am filled with the hope of a new life.

Tonight

I can NOT wait to go with M'Lord to see this concert this evening....

Woot!

OH.MY.GOD.

Neli and I were just in here singing 'I feel pretty' from West Side Story


(good Lord)


*laughs*

Reverberations...

Before I talk about what happened last night I’d like to say something – only because I need to unload a bit – at one time this actually mattered to me...

You know...

I guess I just will never understand – how you could have ever possibly wanted me to stay ‘inside a box’ for you – or for any reason for that matter – I thought you knew me – I thought you realized I wasn’t a typical woman or an ‘ordinary’ person, and in some ways it hurts me that you expected me to be so.

No matter. I refuse to fit into your preconceived ‘idea’ of where my beliefs should lie – the fact that I am independent and a free thinker should be enough – if not well...too bad I suppose. Your loss.

I am just surprised that someone who claims to be so intelligent could all of a sudden turn into such an ‘inside the box’ thinker.

**************

Last night in order to rid ourselves of the negative energy that has been permeating lately, Erin and I performed some minor ‘rituals’.

One of them was to burn some letters/e-mails from the negative people in our lives – it felt really good doing that. Like our own reverse voodoo dolls in effigy. The one letter died a screaming, hissing, sputtering death – LOL – much like its author –lots of noise – no substance...

So now to move forward with a fresh outlook and let go of the past...

I’ve learned it’s important to not let the reverberations of other people’s negativity take over your life – they won’t win – but I do wish them peace, as I release them from my life, my imagination, and even my heart.

Rain...

"The smell of rain...reminds me of the colour of your eyes."

He once said that to me.

(*smirk* I get a sort of weird kick out of making you guys wonder which 'he' I am referring to).

It's raining, now just sprinkling, the smell is everywhere, along with that 'neon' green-ness that is the hallmark of spring.

I am just hunkering down to write.

Nice. Breathe. In and Out. And flow with it...

Reposting II

(This is a reposting from last year - there was a lot to choose from....it's long and rambling kids...but than hey - welcome to the world inside my head ^_^)

"What is Love?"

(LOL – great now I have the song going through my head - was it the movie ‘A Night at the Roxbury’ that breathed new life into that one?)

It’s amazing to me all the convolutions/evolutions/permutations we go through as humans when it comes to this (I’ll call it a virus; because to me that’s what it seems like).

LOVE.

What would we do without it? Part of me thinks we may be a lot happier – part of me knows truthfully we would die without love in our lives – in some form.

What of love?

I remember reading the little tart’s writing where she wrote something like ‘They don’t let you love enough here’

WTF does that mean? Does it mean that one should be allowed to love without discrimination, hurting anyone that gets in the path of their supposed love. And how can it be called love if it harms others involved. Is it that their love because it’s so lustful, so hot, so flavour du jour, is the ONLY love that matters? What of love and loyalty to family; to someone that you took vows with? Does that love not compare somehow – is it diminished because the hubby can’t get it up for his wife any longer?

I used to think it was OK to love more than one person at a time – I still think it’s OK – heck I think it’s natural – but oh the heartache we set ourselves up for by doing that.
I’ve talked to people about this and tried reasoning it out somehow in my head and I’ve come to believe there is no reasoning with the heart – the heart wants what the heart wants, the hell with the head. We set ourselves up for this you know...

Like Mr. Hess remarked we should have ‘renewable/negotiable contracts’ between each other so that parties can enter arbitration yearly instead of being stuck in a loveless/sexless marriage (or is that just the latest pick up line guys are using these days?) ; I’ll get an e-mail msg ‘Hi C – would love to meet you – I am ‘stuck’ in a loveless/sexless marriage and my wife and I have a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ agreement – I’d LOVE to meet you’ or ‘My wife just doesn’t understand me’

Yeah ok buddy, I’ve got news for you – she doesn’t want to understand you – is that your excuse for cheating?

Is it any wonder I feel the way I do about this shit. I feel like I was born at the wrong time, that I am too romantic, old-fashioned, stuck in some mind set that won’t allow me to somehow let go.

Margaret Cho remarked in one of her live acts that she wanted a ‘Henna husband’.
I do too. Wouldn’t it be nice to just ‘wash that many right out of your hair’ when things get bad? But then what happens when they get under your skin? What happens when no matter what you do – they won’t go away – they haunt you – and does that really ever happen anymore? Do *I* have the ability to get under a man’s skin anymore? I kind of doubt it – and is that the ONLY thing I will be satisfied with – cause I want it all –otherwise why bother, I’ll just end up bored out of my skull...

*yawn*

They’re all so blatantly pedestrian and boring...no fire, no substance, no edginess, no willingness to just let it fly, it’s all about the ‘comfort zone’ or pretending to be anything but – yet in reality when faced with the danger, the possibility, the fear takes over and off they run screaming for their mothers, it’s absurd and ridiculous and I am tired of all of it completely.

They are threatened by my stances, by my anger, by my unwillingness to be anything other than what I am, they don’t hear me when I talk (or rant) – they think I am nagging, negative, complaining, bitchy or bitter – ah I see but when it’s a man it’s turned around somehow, and suddenly instead it’s viewed that they are aggressive (but in a good way), capable, able to get the job done, no nonsense etc. They want someone safe, not challenging, not intellectual, not confrontational, or aggressive (as a woman that is - cause that’s somehow that's a bad trait in the ‘weaker sex’), and certainly not someone who is going to ‘fight back’ – and perhaps I can’t really blame them – but, what’s absolutely hysterical to me is yet they don’t want it boring either….BE CREATIVE – but only in the confines of the bedroom….

Passion to me is something I wear on my sleeve – it’s here for the entire world to see a la this medium – my home here on the internet – it is here I come to whisper my secrets, my fears, where I rant and rave at society, the world in general…it’s where I expose myself, become self-deprecating, morose, bitter, sarcastic, sad, self-recriminating, it’s where I take a good look at myself and try to figure things out. It’s ME I am ME – how about that – strange having someone truly be themselves without apology isn’t it? It’s not meant to be fodder for anyone else – yet the entire world is fodder for me to write about...unfair huh? Too bad.

I have loves in my life. A lot of them are still ‘around’ they are wrong for me – I for them – some are actually a detriment to my health. Some are unrequited – I will never be with them because either I have some weird moral code or they are in love elsewhere. *laughs* it’s like the J. Geils band song ‘Love Stinks’ : “You love her, but she loves him And he loves somebody else, you just can't ever win…”

We drive ourselves crazy over something that began as a biological imperative and has now turned us into horny, lustful, dissatisfied, bored, complacent, irresponsible dullards. I don’t want to go back to the ‘way things were’– mainly cause I’ve no reason to bear children anymore – I LIKE ROMANCE, but I will say this for being ‘scientific’ and unflinchingly brutal about it – at least it was more honest and at least our feelings didn’t get so hurt.

In tribes it was (and for all I know still is) – acceptable for the chief to have his pick of women and for him to father many children with different women because the blood-lines, the best of the genetic make up were passed on and, since he was the ‘leader’ supposedly the bravest, the best/the crème de la crème, well that was all for the betterment of society. It somehow became not the thing to do and suddenly we sprouted 'morals' and needed a ‘God’ and thus became civilised - but really after all this time – and all I see on the Internet, on TV, in the movies - have we?

Affairs of the heart have gone on for time immemorial – they always will. Kings have gone to war, abdicated their thrones all for the love of a woman; possibly a woman that was forbidden. Is that really romance, or is that the folly of a fool? Empires crumbled, art was created, books, music all manner of tributes paid in the name of love – so what is it that keeps us going back for more after we feel like our heart has been torn to shreds and we are numb inside. Is it fear of loneliness? Is it because we figure we’ll finally ‘get it right’ this time?

Beats the hell out me – this is more a rambling, probably incoherent attempt at some half-assed introspection. I’ve said time and time again I’d like someone in my life – but maybe I’d just be better off getting a dog – cause I am just not up for, nor do I have the energy for, the games or the stomach or gumption to take on all that risk anymore….part of me is simply beginning to feel it just isn’t worth it at all. Romance was probably just a figment of my tattered imagination – something – perhaps an ad campaign, crafted long ago by a genius to keep all of us distracted…and like the faerie tale it is *poof* after a while it disappears like so many childhood memories, never to be recaptured.

Reposting(s)

(These are both from 2 years ago)

(This one because things with my son have gotten better and I want to remember and reflect)

For my son...

You know what...

I don’t have the strength
for this
I don’t want to
watch you hurt yourself
I can’t

I’d like to say
I am strong
But, I am not
Not anymore
I used to be

I used to be one of those
Lioness creatures
The ones that roared
And clawed and fought
Now I roar
But it’s impotent

I know
You think
you’re all grown up
But you’re not

You’re a boy still
A boy/king
Who can’t admit
He needs his mom

You want your freedom
Soon I’ll have no say
I suppose that’s how
Life is

And I’ll be
Left with memories
Of you
As my baby

I will cling to them
But they won’t
Sustain me or
Squelch my fears

And someday
When I am gone
I hope you will
Remember me

And all the times
I held you close
Trying to keep
The world at bay

********

(This one is also from 2 years ago - about writing)

“My dear,

That is precisely WHERE the beauty comes from - in being able to disseminate the ordinary, day-to-day bullshit; to write about it and shed light on it, and draw others into the actual simplicity, and mundaneness - and yet show just how important and beautiful those simple tasks can be - someone counts on us to do them...and, by writing about it (in all it's tediousness), Ms. Sarton HAS managed to get around to doing the IMPORTANT thing.

Our daily lives, our loves act as the colours we use to paint the canvas that is our history. Crafting words about your life, your vision, is your gift, your talent.

Even if you were to go and dig ditches, your gift of being a great writer would still be there - under all the dust.”

This is a comment I left on a friend’s blog. He is a great writer. He is a great person.

I was commenting/responding to something beautiful written by May Sarton (another great writer). What Ms. Sarton wrote struck a chord with me too…

“There were moments … when it seemed that all one could be asked was just to keep the ashtrays clean, the bed made, the wastebaskets emptied, as if one never got to the real things because of the constant exhausting battle to keep ordinary life from falling apart”

I remember when I decided to write (years ago) – I don’t know what drove me to want to do it – perhaps the ‘stories’ built up in me over the years and wanting to somehow let them out, like steam escaping from a kettle too long on the stove…

I asked a very accomplished friend about writing (she was a great person, an actress, a ballet dancer, a writer, a mother late in life (her early 40s)...her advice about writing was simple.

“One writes, by applying one’s ass to the seat of one’s chair and writing…” I’ve carried those words with me ever since – not knowing quite what to make of that advice. Until I began this blog...

So it’s become for me in a lot of ways a path down a road less traveled – a life less ordinary (not to steal book names here), something of quiet introspection to try to find a pattern so I can break some of the endless cycles I find myself participating in. Yes in some ways I’ve lived a ‘wild life’ – but I am not always sure if that makes it worth writing about – *laughs* - or worth reading for that matter.

What makes something worth writing about? What makes a writer worth reading? Like beauty – is it all in the eyes of the beholder? Does my writing make you want to read more – or make you feel like I should put down my pen and go dig ditches (*laugh*)

The times when I face this blank page and begin to set the words upon it – like painting a canvas, the paper awash in the colours that comprise my story/my life – almost like my life blood spilling out.

I used to hear stories about writers block. People who would face the blank page with terror and not joy. Most of the time I was hearing this from my ex – he seems to have felt his ‘sickness’ robbed him of his ability to write (while simultaneously complaining that the meds made him feel numb and unable to reach the place where his creativity lived) – I can answer to neither statement. Fortunately, not being afflicted in such a way.

I know that when I write – a lot of times it is a way for me to keep things in perspective, to go deep inside and try to somehow decipher all those feelings – the inner workings of my psyche. I don’t feel terror – I don’t always do it in joy.

I write because I HAVE TO WRITE. I hear that from a lot of writers too….

Sometimes I think the stuff I write is ‘dreck’ oozing from my pain and hurt like so much pus. It’s not worth reading. Yet somehow I have a bit of an audience. But that’s not why I keep writing. It’s something I know – it’s a part of me – I can no more rid myself of my inner voice than I can the body I am currently inhabiting – that is without ending my life. I don’t know if I will always be this way. I don’t know if this is a gift or an ‘affliction’ – it’s something I know in my heart ad in my soul.

It’s like the way I know the person I need to be with is going to be like me in such a way that I won’t have to explain WHO I am or WHAT I am talking about. The same way I know deep down I have a mystical/spiritual/magical side that is part of the person I am – undeniably part and parcel of ME. It illuminates and pierces the darkness, allowing me to find that small part of joy within the deepest depths of my sorrows. That which cannot by science or medicine be proven but is there all the same – like my breath – something that is a constant whisper in the back of my mind, yet part of a greater consciousness.

Rediscovered

(Because of Erin....I have been 'rediscovering' some music long forgotten)

Yoga gives immune boost to breast cancer survivors

Yoga gives immune boost to breast cancer survivors

Blessed Beltane

Blessed Beltane

'This kiss....'

I needed that kiss this morning....