The dating game - the adventure continues

Music plays: 'Open the door...to your...Mystery Date'

I feel like I am participating in an episode of 'Sex and the City' without the sex, or the great backdrop of the great city of New York, or even the hair makeup and clothes (for that matter...HEY perhaps THAT"S what I am missing!!) *laughs*

OK so I am not really ready to date. But I would like to meet some nice men and go out from time to time. Unfortunately it is difficult to meet men without going out on a full-blown 'bonafide' date.

So I reach a point where there is one gentleman I have talked to through the personals and I agree to go out to dinner.

The day comes for the 'date' and we touch base with each other and he let's me know that if I show up after he does he will be driving a Silver Corvette. Now this man is very dashing - you can pick him out of a crowd - at least from what I can tell of his pictures (and that is assuming that he is sending me his picture) - so I did not really see the need to inform me about a Corvette - unless he was trying to impress me. Which it does not because I don't like Corvettes (unless they are years 1957 thru 1963) - I am more of a Jaguar, or olderr Camaro, Firebird or even a Jeep (convertibles of course)*laugh*.

So we meet at a nice Italian restuarant. He does look like his picture. We are seated at a cozy table. We order food, I order a glass of red wine - he orders Sex on the Beach (this should have been a clue to me) - we begin to talk. I ask him to expound upon what I already know about him from our 'converstations' he had been living in Las Vegas and moved here to Cleveland - which I find a bit odd. He told me what he was doing here...he then asked if I have ever been to Las Vegas - I tell him no and that I really have no desire to go there. He asks me what I am doing next weekend. Very much implying that he wants to take me to Vegas. I laugh and I say well I know I am *not* going to Las Vegas next weekend. He then says 'Well I will take you any where you want to go - how about Naples..and I don't mean Florida' - this really stuns me for a minute. I tell him that we really don't know each other well enough for me to go away with him for a weekend.

Our entrees arrive and the waitress keeps coming over to check on us. He gets a bit irritated and asks her to leave us alone - he is nice about it but I can tell he is irritated. After we talk some more and eat, he orders himself another drink. Eventually, the waitress brings the check and he asks her 'What's the biggest tip you have ever gotten?' the girl seems rather uncomfortable and again I get the feeling he is just trying to flaunt his wealth or impress me - this act does not impress me at all.

I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I come back and he asks if he can buy me a drink - there is a bar attached to this restaurant and I agree. I order a White Russian and he orders another Sex on the Beach - he had 2 with dinner....we talk some more and he begins to try to touch me and tries to kiss me. I tell him that I don't really feel right about this just yet. He keeps trying. Nothing too too intimate - just lightly stroking the inside of my wrist (which actually can be very intimate) and he keeps trying to rub my back and shoulders and neck. Again, I tell him that I would really like to take things slowly - he gets a little irritated. I begin to think I should just walk out. Instead I go to the restroom again. When I come back there is another drink waiting for me and of course he has ordered another for himself. I barely touch the drink. He keeps trying so finally I tell him it is getting late and I am tired and need to go home. He walks me to my car. I allow him to give me a kiss goodnight. It is a nice kiss. A very nice kiss, actually.

I leave him a message thanking him for dinner the next day. He writes me an e-mail with a cute little joke and I decide to address how I feel. I reiterate that I need to, have to, go slowly with things. That I don't usually drink that much as a rule. That I don't get all that friendly with anyone on a first date and also that I don't plan on going away for a weekend getaway with anyone until I know them better. I was not mean or bitchy - I just thought I should tell him because I don't want to lead him on.

He writes me back very angry, stating that I have no right to say what I am saying because after all he was only trying to 'get to know me'....um ok

So I write him back - angry myself and tell him that I am not going to back down from how I feel and I am just not ready to go that fast - that I am in a different place in my life than he is right now and I need him to respect that. If not, it's ok, there are plenty of other 'fish' in the sea for both of us... I also mention that I am not impressed with his wealth or his manner of flaunting it and that I find that type of behaviour to be distasteful.

I probably really pissed him off. Oh well.

I guess I am just not ready for this. It is too soon, I am still healing. It would be nice though, to meet someone and share some fun. Does it have to be this dating thing though? Isn't there another way? Too bad I just can't join a softball team - but I am not that athletic. I mean there has to be a way to meet some nice guys - perhaps I need a Yentl (I am not sure if that is how it is spelled). I am not ready for a major relationship, obviously. I don't want one-night stands. But it does not mean that I want to sit at home on a Friday night either. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery out there?

There is nothing wrong with a little passion. There's really nothing wrong with a little sex, either. I mean as long as you are safe and you are both willing to respect each other. And for me it's really important that they be divorced or single...but how can you tell? Really...

It's scary out here guys. It's like sky-jumping without a parachute. It's also funny, wierd and interesting.

Well perhaps I will find the right person - if there is such a thing for me. If not, at least I will have material for my blog. *laugh*

Hope floating

Love,

For what are you to me but just that, love. It all gets so convoluted and undermined by the day to day, by what the Gods choose to throw our way. I want so badly to get past all of this too. But, like a dog to a bone I cling to my 'images' to my thoughts, to my jealousies and to everything that ended up capsizing our boat. Even now I think you are with her and...perhaps you are.

I begin to realise that it does not matter - none of this really matters. In the end it is good what we had when we did have that precious thing called love. I will not look a gift horse in the mouth. I will remember what we had - because those memories are precious to me and I will draw them to me when I need them to give me a little peace.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will be together anymore. I doubt it - really. But that does not matter either because what we had was what we had and at the time, it was magical. It was love. A love like that does not too often come into your life and so when you have it you should try to hold onto it....but unfortunately and often for reasons beyond our control, it slips away. We can blame your sickness, there are a lot of reasons we can say it happened. The point is it did happen and now all of it is gone. Leaving behind pain and all those memories.

"Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it" - Carly Simon

"I never thought I could act this way
And i've got to say that i just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelin's gone
And i just can't get it back" - Gordon Lightfoot

I can not retrieve what I felt for you - no matter how hard I try. Do I want to start from scratch - no not really. I guess sometimes I am just content with the memories and even the pain - because eventually the tears will subside and all I will have to hold onto is the love that we once shared. It was so beautiful once and it will remain beautiful despite all the damage.

Still here

I see things - beyond myself. I see me at another time, place, space in my life in a distant future. I am not sure if I am happy. I am not sure if I am sad. I am not sure if it matters.

I don't like being sad. I have spent a lot of my life being sad. I have had a lot of loss in my life (more than the average person). Life is about loss and gains and about what you do with every situation, with every gift that comes your way and everything you lose. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of being at the mercy of others.

As I grew up, being the eldest girl in my family meant that I had to be kind, I had to share all of my toys. I was not allowed to be selfish - it was simply not tolerated. Sure there were times where I was mean especially to my sister....but all in all I had to be nice. I guess I grew up thinking that was how you were suppose to be. I suppose it's why I am not someone like Donald Trump.

Is it time to be mean? Why is it that a lot of people are mean? Isn't there a bumper sticker that has the quote "Mean people suck"? I am sure the mean people did not vote on that quote for the bumpers sticker. Why? Because they don't care. Is meaness an absence of caring for your fellow human being?

I seem to have fallen into a deep well of sadness, despair, self-loathing. I look around and the only person here is me. Oh sure I have friends who care, but there is only so much people want to hear about this. In talking to another friend who recently parted ways from his girlfriend (of course not with the same amount of drama as what I've been through) - we've discussed how we make our other friends 'uncomfortable' - it's like we are the perpetual third wheel in the equation. Our friends like us, they feel obligated to be around us - but those of our friends who are couples - they don't really feel comfortable with us - it's like we are cursed.
And who knows, perhaps we are....

I don't want to toot my own horn. I don't want to come off sounding like I had nothing to do with what happened here. But I honestly can not figure out what I did in my life (or my past life) that was bad enough to attract all this kind of karma. If I did do soemthing that bad, then hopefully with what I have been through of late, I have managed to burn off all the negative karma and it will last a couple of lifetimes - and I will have smotth sailing.

Now mainly, I want peace. I still want to see the people I love ok - and yes that does include him. I can not keep walking down this road, or falling into this well by myself. Somehow, someway, I have to find a way out and up into the sunlight again. Otherwise, I will spend the rest of my days sad and lonely. The only person I will have to blame for that is me, myself, I.

I am sure there are nice/kind people out there. I just don't know the secret handshake, or I messed up the decoder ring's message somehow. I want to gravitate towards people that are going to treat me the way they want to be treated. Follow Hillel's law - not necessarily the Golden Rule. Before all this happened I used to think that people were basically good. Now I just don't know. I don't want to lose hope for humanity. I want to think that the reason these two did so much damage to everyone around them is because they could not help themselves. But that wears thin and who the hell am I kidding. They were selfish and did what they did because they wanted to. Because it brought them pleasure (and maybe pain too). I'd like to say that eventually karma will come around their way too (it will) and not sound like I want that for them - but this time I would be lying. I am tired of lies too...so very tired.

I hope that eventually there will be a light that I can follow out of this darkness. I hope that when I do come out on the other side I am still someone I can recognize and respect. I hope that I am smart enough not to engage in the same patters of behaviours that led me here in the first place and that the love I engage in will be pure, unselfish, kind, and strong. Able to withstand anything that life or karma throws it's way.

I wish the same for all the people I am close to and all the people that I don't even know. For those of you out there who have written to me and sent support as I have gone through all of this I want to send out a special thanks. Because of the kindness of strangers I am at least inclined to believe there is hope. And without hope there is nothing.

The plot thickens

I mean I just can't believe this anymore. It's like I am in a nightmare - I am the main source of the hideous monster's wrath - and, I CAN NOT WAKE UP!!!!

So here goes...I get an e-mail letter/apology from the guy who was the boyfriend of the slut my husband was seeing....and he tells me that perhaps I was right after all.

Let me back up a bit for those of you in the viewing audience...you see I am the poster woman for that quote: 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...' and so when all of this happened with our lovely young slut - I wrote to her boyfriend - goddess I am such a bitch...anyhow in my letter to him - (which was actually forthright and apologetic - but again here I feel that I was justified because why should he not know what HIS girlfriend was doing behind his back...and ok yes I was angry...etc.) - I told him about what I found out and of course he wrote me back stating that no I must be wrong...that HE would know if they were more than just friends. Of course he also added that at that time they were no longer seeing each other

According to this young man in his letter, it turns out that my ass of a husband had bragged to this young man's professor at CWRU about having sex with the slut...so this young man decided to write to me and apologize to me for her behaviour as well as for his lack of compassion and understanding for my feelings. Apparently he had himself just found out about this from his professor - I guess the professor felt it was 'safe' to tell him. I want to add in here htat I find this you man to be brave and a rather exceptional person.

WOW

Did I feel vindicated? You bet! But I was also numb, because even though it's like rubbing salt in an open wound - how much more can I really be hurt?

OK so I go back to my husband - who believe it or not is still claiming that he did not sleep with this young woman (yeah ok)...and my husband tells me that he lied about everything (which gee I think we have established he is a liar) and there is a real 'good' reason why he did not sleep with her but it is none of my business...

So now I am seething and telling him fine we can just settle this all in court - and my husband decides to 'tell me' the secret. Turns out that our poor little homewrecker really is a slut (again geez I think we have established this already too) - no I am not kidding folks - with a capital "P" for Prostitute....that's right she was prostituting herself to pay her bills (again this is according to my husband - who is the biggest liar on the face of the planet) - and THAT IS WHY HE DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER - I don't know if anyone out there is reading this...if you are can you please either wake me up or explain this to me - or hand me a gun or something???

So now - Colette is sick to her stomach and losing her tenuous grip on reality and if there is a God/Goddess - please please end this OK? 'Cause I work on the 11th floor of a building and those big windows are looking better and better to me....

I just can't take this anymore.