Letter to Tribe

I am sorry I was not much fun to 'play' with last night. I went to bed crying...
This is all so hard on me. I just don't know anything anymore. And please don't feel bad - it's ok that I don't know.

I don't feel that I have to have a man to be complete. I have always been very, almost fiercely independent and that turns men off.

You would seriously have to live here, in Cleveland, to know the dating scene. I do much better if I get introduced to someone at a function and sparks fly. I am just not one to go 'out there' even if it is to just hang with people - I am just not that type of person. The dating scene here in Cleveland is so weird. I mean at least in New York City I'd stand a chance (in fact I have been toying with moving there after my son graduates)...but here even at the more sophistocated places to hang there is this void - I can't even explain it and men who are the age I am looking for - because I don't really want to be with 'young' men anymore - have already had their families, they don't want complications and I have a LOT of those.

Ultimately I don't think I really want to be with anyone - when I married Dreamer I told a friend if it did not work out that this was it for me - I mean sure I can have friends, even a companion - but love again? Full blown, hard tilt, head-over-heels love? No I don't think so. I mean don't get me wrong, there is a reason why I go by the name Colette - there is a reason why I love Anais Nin - but my ideas about love, romance, and/or relationships don't fit into or correspond with other people's - so I'd rather not go through all the heartache and pain. And I am really not trying to be bitter - I just don't think after a while there is anything wrong with solitude - it does the soul good and frankly my soul means more to me than my ego and that's all that love ends up being with most people - just another way to stroke an out-of-control ego. Most people don't have a clue as to what true love is..and I am not in the mood to educate these soon-to-be over-the-hill professionals who didn't get it right the first time because they were more interested in making money, a trophy wife and a flashy car than 'real' love. Oh sure, they might be looking for 'real' love NOW - but old habits die hard. As I said to someone once - (this is a quote from 'Waiting to Exhale") - I want a self-actualized man. But they don't seem to be anywhere to be found.

I went on a date recently - with a guy I knew - had known for a while...it was nice - he was funny and charming and he is very very smart - but there was no spark. And he is so busy that we can hardly ever hook up - I don't feel like chasing him down and so call me lazy - but I don't see it progressing. I've begun to realise that it all doesn't matter that much - it really doesn't.

You are so kind and so sweet and so much fun to talk to - and it makes me content to have people like you on my side and in my corner - and believe me Tribe I have a great support network here - so don't worry too much - I will survive as they say - if I could ask you for one thing - it would be to say a little prayer for me - keep positive thoughts coming out to me - that's all I need.

As ever,
Colette

Restless days

Fighting again. Will this ever end? Probably not until I physically end it with him. He does not understand anything I say - and I apparently don't get him either. Ugh! What's the point. He claims he 'does not have time' to talk to me - yet he has time ot post to his blog, he has time to answer geeky e-mails about gaming. He says he is too busy with work - yet he does this stuff at work...how much proof does a person need that someone doesn't care? I think I've had enough proof to last a lifetime.

Sleepless nights

I am taking a break for a moment to comment on my Dreamer's lack of sleep. Dreamer seems like such a misnomer at times like this. I truly feel bad for him - sleep deprivation can be damaging and tortuous as well as dangerous. I am hoping he gets some rest soon. He needs it - we both do.

I know in my heart that it is his depression and this is a major symptom of depression. But, the part of me that is angry, the part of me that does not care, thinks it is his conscience, and perhaps it is a bit of both. Somehow I think until he makes things right, until karma comes around to bite him back - that it will be this way for him. Unless of course he succumbs to the need for sleeping aids. I keep wanting to tell him that he will never experience the sleep of the innocent, of the just as long as he keeps lying, as long as he does not come clean. I wonder if he can look at himself in the mirror.

Part of me feels he will never make it right. And part of me thinks it takes our good friend Karma lifetimes to catch up to people and their sins...

The letters I am sharing provide a glimpse into our love - it was what all the letters seem to spell out. Passionate and intense, there was real longing and yearning for each other. I want the writing to speak for itself without embellishment. And part of why this all hurts so much is that I thought for the longest time that I was the ONLY one that he felt this way about. But our past is fraught with his infidelity in word, in deed and most likely in his heart and mind. So if you are reading all of this, know that I took them to heart - but I am not sure if he was being really honest or just using me to hone his writing skills. The romantic Colette in me wants so much to believe that he meant every word, every syllable. I know that I have a lot of letters from him - but I also know that he wrote to other women - including Erin/Aurora - and this breaks my heart.

But please, I digress, I want the letters and poetry from both of us to be as beautiful as they were meant to be and as true as I always wanted them to be. I want them to be what they were back then - the deepest measure of our love, my soul, my very being - taking my breath away and bringing me to a place I had never visited before. And for that reason I will never forget my Dreamer.

L'histoire - a brief history

I am dreaming, remembering, how romantic it was the way we met. I was so very dissolusioned with my marriage and I was hagning out with the college crowd at CWRU and I had a friend who was, well, very different; an artiste, very avant guarde. She was studying literature and drama at Case (which is not why people go there - liberal arts in not the typical course of study). At any rate she invited me out to some sort of on-campus concert - it was a cover band - a Led Zeppelin cover band - and I went - that's when I met him. He was very tall and lanky and had flowing blonde hair and really piercing blue eyes. He and I began to talk about how badly the band sucked and before too long we were just talking about everything. The next time we met my friend had invited me to see her in a play. Somehow this young man was there again too - we eneded up sitting next to each other and he had me laughing so hard I was crying. The play was not very good - but he was magical. We all ended up going out for drinks afterwards at the Grog Shoppe in Cleveland Heights - (it is still a great place to go). We really connected. He tried in vain to get my home phone number from our mutual friend but she would not budge. We ended up together anyhow - it was mad, it was passionate, it was temptation (at least for me) - it was wrong but it felt so very right.

I am going to try to give a glimpse into this love through our writings - if anyone remembers the Griffin and Sabine books - it kind of felt that way at least to me. When he bacame my lover, my first gift to him were those books - I gave them to him one at a time).

This is one of the first letters he wrote me (Please note for privacy sake, in some cases I have not used the names of friends, otherwise the letters are as close as I can come - at times though, it is hard to read his small handwriting. This is going to be quite an undertaking but I am going to try to paint a picture with his words and some of mine as I answered him)

"Love,

I have been thinking lately of us and of bonds. Not the dull clanking bonds of such things as matrimony, that is a deathly bondage, and not one for us. I am thinking of the bonds of blood and spirit and fire, these are the reality - not something created by unhappy people to condone what they do to themselves. Do you understand what I am saying? Really, I don't like the use of the word "bonds" anyway - the connotations just do not seem to be right...chains, shackles, bondage, domination. I am in search of a purere destination than that, a place where the words are newer, and as yet unamed. I am in search for a future to claim a stake, start to name and locate. Are you with there with me? I want you to be.

A few years ago when the last skeins of Christianity dropped from me, when I decided that from I had learned of Christianity it wasn't for me. I amde an announcement to my family that I owuld not have a church wedding, when I met someone and decided that was what I wanted to do. At that point in my life, and even moreso now, I decided that would be going too strongly against what I believe in. Any more, I'm not sure of marriage at all. I'm sure that with the right person...anything would work - because you're with the person you belong with. You certainly ask the hard questions.

For the last few years there has been this itching in the back of my mind, a restlessness as I watched the rest of the world seemingly pair off and walk past me. Too many times I owuld find myself alone, and in tears for being alone - all because I felt that there was someone out there who would want to be with me. I became the Monster lurking in the darkness of the labyrinth, toaring an impotent rage at an unlistening universe. Do you know what it feels like to be ALone and OUtside? There was no escape for me, lke the kids who cruised around the town where I lived, I owuld circle and circle and circle, but excape velocity would be reached. Luckily for me, magic exists.

Synchonicity has pointed my feet towards Cleveland. Other than the obvious of having school friends, from out here, that is. The largest synchronicity has to be the Free-Net. It just dropped out of nowhere, a friend at school had found out about it over the Internet and after he got access he loaned me his account and told me to check it out, I might be interested. BAM. Next I had my own account, and from there I reached my tendrils out into the electronic webs of the Internet. I had found a home, and the Free_net became a sortt of home base where I could swap info and stories with others with similar interests. It was incredible being so well connected to the information age. Next, I was visiting Cleveland , off visiting *a friend* or those Netters that I had met. I had some good times, I had some bad times, some problems, but along the way I must have subconsciously decided that Cleveland would be as good a place as any to be. Next thing I was asked, and i was here. All of these things leading me towards you? I wonder.

Did you ever feel that there was someone out there for you? A cosmic twin, perfect match or whatever? You don't know how many times I've looked into faces, without realizing that what I was searching for was a spark of recognition. I have felt love before, but nothing like watching the explosions you have set off in my mind. What can I say? What can I do? You have me spellbound."

"Love,

It is the Night, and I am thinking of you, your voice, your eyes. I wish that I could give you passport into my world, into the quiet sunless realms of the night time. You don't truly understand solitude, or even deslation, until you have wandered in the night, in the dark. The night is an interzone, 4 AM knows everyone's secret, and this is as close to home as I know. Wanderers fahter at the oasises of all-night restaurants t osocialize and swap secret stories. Everything I speak of is there you just have to learn how to tune your eyesight like an ancient AM radio. Where else, except for 4am or 5am, can poets inhabit the same space as cabdrivers going off work and third-shift factory workers? This is wehre I want to dwell, here in the faerie realms bordered by cigarette smoke, and smelling of freshly brewed coffee. This is the night, the great American night, which is neither city or county, but both combined by sweat, toil and sleepless nights. This is where I was to be, this is where I want to be with you.

Do you understand what I am telling you? Not many have, bot those others have gone, faded like the dawn into grey. I am not talking aobut Vampires. Those morbid posers with their talk of death and blood do not understand the night-time, they just treat it as if it were the same world as the daylight hours. Have you ever heard a city breath? Have you ever listened, in the darkness, to a city while it dreams of what goes on within it? In the cold of the winter, the silence has a quality that you can feel, as it icily creeps through closint, flesh and blood, working its way into the marrow of your bones. So few people understand this, or want to. The Night stretches longer that anyone realizes, and it is th worst time to be alone, when you secret fears and desires bubble to the surface. I am so tired of being alone in the night.

I remember when I would walk, or drive, through the night-time watching the things and places change into my familiar patterns and associations. I dislike the day time for its harshness, there is no subtlty. (?) There is a magic to the night that others are just blind to, deadened by the majesty. Do I ramble? When I talk, thanks to the clumbsiness of my speaking, words are sometimes lost to me. I wish that I did not stammer and stumble, because there are so many things that I want to tell you, so many whispers for your ears. Do I ramble? Do I reveal too much?

I want to be with you right now. The now of 4:10 in the morning when I am writing this to you, the right now of when you are reading these words. Am I with you when you read this? I wonder if you sigh and look up from this at me. I want to be touching you, holding youu after we have made love. I want to hold you so tightly that you are inside of me, so that you are the air that I am breathing and the memories I am touching. I wish that I could feel the warmth of your skin instead of the cool touch of this paper, I owuld use my fingertips to write secrets onto your flesh. I would incrbe poetry on your belly. Just thinking about this makes me want you so much. My desire for you is a constant dull ache, soothed only by your touch and your presence. Hmmm. I wonder, what are you thinking while you read this. I wish I were los tin your eyes, in your arms, with all the troubles of everyone else millions of years and miles away.

I have known you for so long, in my dreams and my memories of these things which have yet to happen, that I am so glad to have finally found you. YOu have returned soemthing lost to me, something that I didn't even realize was gone, until you handed me the crystal heat. I imagine myself drifting off to sleep in your arms, both of us at peace. When was the last time I told you that I love you? Whne that the last time I held you or touched you? Another lifetime it seems.

Always..."

Let the punishment fit the crime

Everyone I have talked to - and I mean everyone - wants me to leave this jerk. People I don't even know want me to leave him.

I don't believe he loves me. I don't believe he knows how to love anyone because, I don't believe he loves himself. I think it is more of an obsession with him about me - I don't know why. I don't know what I represent to him that is so damned important. I can tell you that if I were to leave him, in a couple of days he'd be fine, back on his feet, finding women again - probably go back to Erin and it would be like nothing had ever happened - oh sure, he might be sad, he'd certainly be pissed - I mean there goes his meal ticket, he would not be able to buy so many comics or game stuff. But he'd be OK. Of course he would not continue with therapy - I mean why bother, he'd go off of his meds (he can't afford them) and his life would go on. Sans depression I am sure - because he probably just trots it out when he wants people to feel bad for him - or he wants to excuse his behaviour. So he would not need to be depressed if I am out of his life for good. In fact it may very well make him happier in the long run.

We've never really gotten along. Oh sure at first the sex was great - I mean it was really amazing, but, when it came to the other stuff - the meat and potatoes the REAL stuff that you need to make a relationship work - we always failed or his sickness made him do things to cause failure. We never really worked the way we needed to. We can't function together as a 'normal' couple. He will never be normal. I will always want to hope that I can save him with love etc. There are some people you just can't save and I think it's high time I worried about myself for a change.

We need to break up.

Anatomy of a crime

Just trying to work through all the things that have happened - affecting my mind - mainly my heart and emotions because of what he did to us...

My husband decides shortly into our marriage to go off of his meds for his depression - he does not think to discuss this with me, his wife. Lo and behold he begins to get depressed, begins to unravel. He tells me he is unhappy - he does not say much more than this ( I guess I was suppose to delve more or read his mind). I tell him to go talk to someone about his depression - he goes to about 2-3 appointments and stops. Things begin to get worse in our marriage - I find myself living with someone who won't help around the house, won't take financial responsibility, and lies to me on a frequent basis. He refuses to do anything about his health, his snoring, getting a better job or anything else that will help us - we begin not to sleep together. At the same time my Yoga career begins to take off which has me away from home more and leaves him alone, with time on his hands, bored and feeling like he is being neglected. He begins a 'secret' Yahoo e-mail account - gets on-line and starts chatting it up with other women and exploring sexual fantasy life outside of his marriage. He 'claims' I am wrong about the following but his journal states he met Erin/Aurora on line and I am assuming they have a later rendezvous in a coffee shop. He falls in love and begins an affair with an 18 year old girl, he tries to see her every chance he gets - she in turn 'understands him, is there for him boosts his fragile ego. Things start to get really bad between us - he becomes more and more nasty. I find print outs from his 'secret' e-mail account involving depraved sexual acts, S&M stuff - I accuse him of it being his - he lies - says it isn't and then allows me to think it's my 15-yr old son (how sick is that?) I start to get little hints about Erin's existence, and finally find out he has been seeing a young woman behind my back. I put my foot down and insist it is to stop - he tell me it has - he of course again, is lying.

He begins to insist on going to counseling. We set up appointments and go - the counselors, find out he is depressed and want him to go on meds, he refuses, they want him to explore ways to make the work more equal at home - for him to help out more - he has a fit - he acts like an ass. Not long after this I find out about their respective blogs and find out the depth of his feelings for this girl and of course that is when I kick him out and begin this blog...

He is a cad, he is useless and I deserve so much better than this!

Friends & Lovers

I had a talk to day with a good friend of mine - she just so happens to be friends with both of us. My heart aches for this girl because she has been in a relationship with a wonderful man for about 10 years now - he's a really good guy too (I don't know how I keep missing the boat with the guys I end up hooking up with...) - at any rate, I guess she mentioned to him (again) that it's time to get married and they were suppose to go out and look at rings together for Valentine's day. Well I guess she practically had to drag him through this and her comment to him was "If you are going to look like I have asked you to pull a dead body from a river over doing this - then forget it..." (obviously I am paraphrasing here...) but my heart breaks for her. They seem to be a good couple and I know she loves him with all her heart and I know he loves her too - so what's the problem?

She should not have to beg him to marry her...but she should probably walk if that's the only way for her to live her life with him - she should not short change herself of her dreams either.

And then there is my Dreamer, (and oh how his name fits him in regard to this), who was practically begging me to get married and obviously doesn't have a clue as to how to BE married. I mean if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else - why do you need to chase skirts, or be a womanizer to get your kicks?

I don't know which is worse; having someone who does not really want to marry you - or having someone who thinks he HAS to get married and then it turns out he's not mature enough, stable enough, or well enough (mentally) to be in a marriage. How sad for both of us. Does anybody have any Ben and Jerry's they want to share so we can sob into our respective pints of ice cream?

And then there is monstrous behaviour...

So back the the 'theme' of my blog. If I had to go to a therapy session tomorrow to try to save my marriage I probably wouldn't. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe him either. Oh sure I believe he is depressed (so are millions of others who don't use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses). I believe he has a hard time with life *snort* right who the hell DOESN'T??? But do I WANT to save this marriage - not too sure really....

Here are some of the things that just kill me about him and this crap. He had this 'DORKLAND" blog set up way before I found out about 'them'. So in the midst of this all I am finding out, and kicking him out. Does he miss a beat on his blog?No way! Now he would tell you he uses it to relieve his stress - but I mean come on! If my wife found out I was bopping an 18 year old and then kicked me out - I doubt I'd be at a level where I could post. Continuing in this vein, he is either truly insane. (like schizo) or another great actor. Because aside from a boo-hoo (crying) every now and then...at least to my eyes - he takes all this in stride. He keeps on with his gaming - again stress relief, going out with his gaming buddy, his writing etc. I mean I am glad he is not paralyzed from all of this - but how bad could it really be hurting him. And yes dear reader I want him to be hurt. Cruel but true.
And then of course there is his total obliviousness to what's going on with me, how I feel about all of this, his inability to be a grown up and take care of the things he needs to take care of - like getting a new job. No he would rather get on line and do whatever it is he is really doing on line than look for a job. So *I* looked at jobs today and he wants me to give them to him - but why the hell should I??? Again I am just enabling him and I can't do that anymore. Getting him his meds is one thing - I mean I work at a hospital but this stuff...no I just can't.

And last but not least; I don't know what he is doing - I truly don't and that is where everything begins to fall apart and any slim (and I do mean slim) hope of us getting back together begins to unravel. Because I don't trust him as far as I can throw a building and I never will. I don't believe him - not a word he says. Not when he tells me he did not sleep with her and not even when he tells me he loves me. I mean on some level I am sure he *thinks* he loves me...but it's not love. Because love is unselfish, love is kind, love is patient (don't mean to quote the bible here, but..), he has no clue about love - not real love.

So for now I take my distance, I keep to myself. I won't talk to him (if I can help it), I won't write to him. I won't post to 'our' blog. I will avoid him like he is the plague that he seems to have. During this time I am going to think, think, think and try to figure out if I really need to be with this man at all. I am going to try to post some of our history - a retelling of our romance and perhaps try to see what it was I fell in love with in the first place. I am not sure that is even going to make a difference because all of that is gone now too. I've been having nightmares about all of this and I just have to put an end to things for now - to keep some measure of my soul and my heart intact - jut in case someone worthy comes along to give myself to - someone who knows what love is truly.

From a Monster's point of view

Went yesterday to see Monster. Charlize Theron gave an amazing performance. I think she deserves the highest accolades for her portrayal of a 'serial killer'- I have this in quotes because in my heart of hearts I don't believe this woman was a serial killer - I think she was just too damaged, turning her into a 'Monster'. She brought so much to this role - she overshadowed Christina Ricci (and I am a huge fan of hers as well). The work was so powerful and so very disturbing and I cried at a couple of points because of the rawness and honesty. Go - please go see this movie - remember it is very disturbing and violent, but if I have to recommend one movie for an oscar this year - it's Monster. Amazing.


Chicago Sun Times Review

Advice for the lovelorn

(This was some advice that appeared on Yahoo personals. I thought it was very telling. I have begun to realise that he does suck the life force out of me and also that there is a need between us - a sort of hunger - but it's not truly love. I might love him - just because I've been with him so long, but it's not the love I need or am looking for. So buyer beware - there are so many jerks out there).



"Does being with this person add to my life force or do they rob me of my energy?"

A relationship that will sustain us in the long haul should leave us feeling strong and vibrant, not insecure and exhausted. By choosing to surround ourselves with people who feed our life force, we increase our chances of long-term fulfillment.

"Will dating this person bring me long term fulfillment or will it bring me short term gratification?"

Many of us fall prey to going out with people who only fulfill a need in the moment. In order to experience long-term fulfillment, we must create and stand in our vision for the future. Only when we have a clear vision of what we are looking for in a partner can we evaluate whether the person we just met is consistent with that vision.