CUT YOURSELF TO RIBBONS YOU SPOILED BRAT

YOO HOO!
Excuse me Miss
thisclichelife,ducky, aurora,eyelashonmycheek,
redshiftblue,erin1129,drakerin,
blacwingedseraphina,seraphimkisses,
soangelsfall, etc, etc - gee did I miss anything...you little psychopathic/schizophrenic bitch

Why don't you grow some balls too - or is that your M/O - lying just for the fun of it - for the thrill of it - no wonder people turn on you and you get kicked out of places to live, lose people that you supposedly love...tell me you have nothing better to do with your life than be with my husband. Geez I know I had more than that to do when I was 19 years old - but whatver - have fun - he certainly is a bowl of cherries but you will find that out soon enough.

You know how to find me if you want to let me know the 'truth' back him up - whatever - in the meantime good luck with all the karma this is going to bring to you...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

well I guess we tried....he probably would not agree with this..but still

To have to keep getting heart broken over and over - this time because he decided to have 'HER' spend the night over because he felt sorry for her - boo-hoo-hoo - PLEASE spare me ok? The ONLY reason to have a 19 year old spend the night with you is well - you do the math...

I am not trying to be cynical or nasty but let's face it the trust is destroyed and there's no going back.

He tells me he ended things but I have no way of knowing that and how can I REALLY believe him when all he does is lie? He says divorce is not the answer 'fixing' things is - how do you fix this?? It's all so damned insane and I just can't take it anymore.

I love him still...but I am finished with all this pain all the lies. He lies not only to me but to himself - he wants me to believe there are no more feelings for this girl but that's a lie too. Why can't he just strap on a pair of balls and get honest with me. But since that's never going to happen he leaves me not much choice but to end things so I don't have to keep going through the agony of wondering night after night - is he with her? have they been together? I guess now there is no question - they can have each other and be at peace....

What does it all really matter?

Not to sound as pathetic as the title....
*sigh* I have an angel on my left shoulder and the devil on my right. It's like that old cartoon - the angel is trying to get me to do the *right* thing - the compassionate thing and the devil is pushing me to tear everything down - become like Kali...

There is so much I *want* to know about all of this that has transpired and my mind won't stop trying to find things out - like one little piece of this is going to make me understand completely.

There's so much I want to learn about *him* right now - like the book he just bought at the 1/2 Price Book Store and how when I began to read it my mind expanded; I began to drown in the words - they took me over invading me , raping me, changing me - it was delicious. The horror and the beauty was breathless. Through this book - I saw another facet of his personality (one I always knew was there but it was never so plain before - so Zen) - perhaps I've changed, perhaps I am just desperate.

He's become my favourite non-comformist and I am afraid of his power and the magnet pull of his ideas.

In a many ways I want to move forward and drop all of this and begin again - in many ways I know I never will be able to do this. And therein lies the rub...I am confused. I really don't ever want to go back there with him - I just can't take that again. And I am not certain he will ever change and my gut tells me he won't. A good friend recently said that if we work things out, I would have to accept him the way he is - but I rebel against that - because the way he is when he is sick is atrocious and no one should be expected to live that way - not even my worst enemy. Let someone else deal with it. What if he is only that 'way' with me? Perhaps with someone else he'd be more 'sane', nicer, kinder, loving.

Part of my heart feels that we will never get back together again. That part is the part that no longer wants to see him - that is desperately trying to pull away - to escape.

The other part of my heart knows that I will always love him no matter what - that's the part that wants him to unveil himself to me so I can love him that much.

But logic tells me no - this just doesn't work anymore. I can't be the things he needs me to be - I can't cross those lines - no even to meet him halfway - it is not who I am. And that is not fair to him. Let him find someone who can be his everything. Why do we demand so much of each other - why do relationships do this to people? If I tell him he can do what he wants just to leave me out of it - he gets angry - he *wants* to discover those things with me - BUT WHY??? What is so goddamned important - why do I have to become part of *HIS* journey of self discovery? I've had my own journey and I took it alone - I think we all need to. Can't he just put me down for a while and go out and *play* and then if he wants to come back - it's like that famous, stupid quote "If you love something, set it free..."

In turn, he can't be everything to me either. He will never be a really kind person, he will never be truly unselfish - never truly doing anything out of compassion. There are just some feelings I don't think he possesses at least not when it comes to me. I need things too, I am fragile too and I need someone to take care of me once in a while - not always - but knowing someone is capable and willing is important. I don't blame him - he can not be what he is not.

So what now? Patience, perserverance? Knowing myself I will probably just slowly gently try to let him go. Our relationship has had so much turmoil, so much upheaval with no resolution - always the heaviness, always the misunderstanding and grandstanding. I just don't want that anymore - my heart can't take it. Quietly, quietly I will slip away - perhaps he won't even notice.

Poison

I don't want to be poisoned by all of this..
Some people are just poison to each other. How can a love so intense, become so bad. It's like the more passionate you love is - the farther you will fall when it all crumbles to dust. The more it hurts.

I am to blame too - I don't want to make it seem like I am blameless here. I am just having such a hard time reconciling all this in my head and my heart.

It's my heart that's heaviest now. What I did - what he did - what SHE did to us. No one want to put any blame on her but there it is - it's inescapable - ok so he may have lied but still - if you 'know' a person is in a relationship - is it ok to then have them treat you romantically - and here I go back to the no one has a conscience speech.

We are like poison to each other. We keep fighting and we keep each other at arms length - and I begin to think in my mind that we will never ever truly be ok with each other. What a terrible loss that would be. I am feeling like I am missing a limb - I want my poet back - where is he? I want him looking into my eyes and not having to say a word - and yet I would know how he felt - I would be his everything again and he would be mine...if only. If only I had not begun to think that that is not healthy afterall...

I miss him so much - I feel so very desperate, so abandoned, so alone...

Dazed and confused

I just don't know which end is up anymore.
I am so lost and so hurt and blah, blah, blah.
Are there no people out there who believe in being honest anymore? Are we all just doomed to become shadows of ourselves because the internet has removed us from reality, from having to be accountable.
How many husbands/wives out there really have a clue as to what their spouse/significant other is doing??
Far be it for me to burst anyone's bubble.

How do you keep from getting hurt? There is no way to insulate yourself from all of this - I am so tired of bitching about it too. But what happened - did the world just collectively turn out a generation that no longer believes in honesty or integrity. Are we all that depraved? The horrors that go on around us - are they just too much to bear and so we turn to cheating and deception and internet porn as a salve for our souls? We don't even realise that by doing this we end up spreading more poison, more horror...
Geez I guess I have just turned into some weird brand of conservative *poof* it's magic.

Why can't I just be 'normal' - into sin, naughty, like all the other humans out there? I mean with Christmas coming and all I guess I need to keep up the facade of 'nice girl' - but it's really no fun this way...

Perhaps for the benefit of my former S/O - my god we've been reduced to initials now (SO = significant other) - of course I was reduced from his wife to his girlfriend for the purpose of being able to cheat with a clear conscience...
Perhaps I should become 'Mistress Dominata' and really rock his world

C'mon guys what d'ya think - ideas for costumes and background setting can be e-mailed to yours truly

My mind has become the enemy

Think, think, think - all I do is think. It's drivig me crazy. If I could just turn it off - if I could just find the switch - if I could just turn to alcohol or drugs...if I could meditate again...

I really don't have that much time on my hands, I have my work, I have my life, I have my family and my friends, I have my teaching. And yet...my mind wants me to keep looking at this drama - from every angle - inside/outside, up/down/sideways.

I look and I look and I can't find the answers - he keeps telling me - 'what are you going to do if there are no answers' - yes I see now is the time to be Zen about all of this - what crap. There are always answers. We just don't always have the formulae.

I want to laugh again. I want to dance. I want to sing again. I want happiness - I am so tired of the darkness. Why can't I make this all just go away? Wake up from this nightmare? Can someone shake me and tell me that I am dreaming. Where have my dreams gone? I don't have any energy anymore. I drag myself up out of my empty bed in the morning, drag myself into work, sludge through the day, drag myself home...no energy. The thoughts keep coming and coming and there is no stopping them. They are like waves pounding a shore, the wide, vast shore that is my mind - now beginning to fill with the litter and trash of a discarded relationship. Perhaps one day a forensic psychologist will look inside my mind and find the key.

Nighttime

It’s night again…that’s the hardest time..that’s when I remember. I want to reach out and touch you but of course you are not here. I wish we would have slept together more frequently – but then it would probably make all of this harder to bear.

In my mind I try to fit the pieces of the puzzle together to try to find a link and clue to what happened to us – where did we go? I begin to realise that you never really ‘talked’ to me, there was all this ‘chatter’ about crap – but no real talk. Perhaps your complaining was your way of talking. Perhaps I should have listened – but by that time I was probably so tired of hearing your incessant chatter that somewhere I turned you off. So that’s my sin…that will be my karma to bear.

And now I try to write to you – hoping that it will awaken something inside of you. But my letters are tossed aside – in favour of what? I don’t know…you keep saying you are in a ‘bad place’ right now you can’t write back to me – the thing I want to tell you is that I want it all – bad, good, indifferent. But like the Sphinx – you stay removed, stony, quiet. Yet I can see the storms raging inside of you ..

I don’t know why we need to keep doing this – it’s like a one-act play and we can’t seem to get the dialogue right. We don’t know our stage directions anymore and the footlights are fading into the shadows. There is no director only the actors. The actors try to give a good performance but there are too many distractions – like an unseen audience has been invited to this rehearsal.

It’s night again – and this time you call me crying because you are alone. I want to reach out to you but something in me snaps this time – telling you to go find someone. It’s my hurt talking this time – my head – not my heart. My logic that wants to reach out and strangle you for your mistakes. For tossing me aside like so much trash, for forgetting. You are always forgetting. I don’t know how to make you remember. Sometimes I think you just don’t like to remember – because remembering is somehow attached to conjuring up your daemons. I lash out at you – I regret it but that does not stop me from doing it in the first place. Part of me feels like you decided a long time ago to do all of this you made conscious decisions and now you have to pay. My cruelty sense is tingling against spyder_boi – what can I say?

It is hard – so hard to keep seeing you – I want to – I desperately want to see you, part of me wants to hold you, soothe you, heal you. And then I remember – all the things you wrote about her, all the things you shared with her. My pain comes back and I don’t love you anymore…I begin the cycle of hate and wanting retribution. Yet you think I can control this…you accuse me of dredging things up, of ‘picking at things’. What you don’t seem to understand is that I am on auto-pilot when it comes to this shit. If you have a switch somewhere that you use (which I am convinced you have) – can you show me where mine is so I can turn off? All those years of Dr. Leary telling us to turn on have hurt me I guess.

It’s going to be night again. You will want to dance. A tango I suppose or some forbidden dance of love, lust, degradation. Is there a dance for forgetting? We seem to always dance around each other - not with each other. We circle like hungry tigers, distrustful, wanting to claw at flesh, wanting the blood of the kill. Tossing the relationship aside like a spent carcass when we are sated.

I want passion, and feeling and love and light, and laughter and the tears as well. Part of me wants the numbness though – so I can say goodbye properly. So I can mourn you – as if you had died and now I can play the role of grieving widow. At least you left behind a beautiful corpse.

I have prepared for the night, I am wearing red lace panties and a red lace bra, and hosiery that is torn slightly in case you want to tear it off. I’ve also put on damask rose – a fragrance that suggests decay – to honour our dying love. Help me to put an end to all of this – help me to bury this relationship. If we do that and build a funeral pyre – maybe something will rise from the ashes – a phoenix – a new life for both of us. Whether together or separate only time will tell.

It’s night again…

My heart is like a china cup

He’s crying again…he’s been crying off and on all through this. Years ago – I would have felt bad – now I am too involved with my own sorrow to feel anything but numbing darkness inside – reaching to the depths of my soul. My heart should not be hardening against him but it has and yet it feels like porcelain and as if it is starting to crack. I begin to hate him. We argue and his answers only incense me more – I want him gone – I wish he were dead at times.

I am crying again – I cry over the smallest things – I cry as I write this. Since this has happened, 3 of my colleagues became engaged – I want to be happy for them and then I want to shake them and say – ‘what is the matter with you? Don’t you know how hurtful love is?’ Bitter, just angry and sad and bitter.

Part of me just does not know what to do anymore – I can barely look at him – when we are together there is a wall between us – he looks at me and I can see he wants to try but he does not know what to say. My heart is so full of things to say but most of them are hurtful and angry. We both begin to cry at the same time and my heart softens a little. Part of me wants him to hold me in his arms and part of me recoils at the very thought of him ever touching me again.

I wish I could ‘see strait’ use super déjà vu to look into some alternate future – one where we live happily ever after…one where his ‘sickness’ does not exist – where we just love each other totally. I can’t see my own future now – not sure I ever could before but at least I thought we would be together no matter what happened. Now I just want someone to tell me how it will be. Should I forgive him or should I let him go? Would he just go on to ruin more lives? Would his sins be on my head? Should I tattoo him with invisible ink somewhere to warn other women about him? Perhaps that way I could absolve myself, do my part for the sisterhood…

I am all of these emotions, I am told not to be my emotions, I am told I am more than my body and the sum of all my parts. Why am I so damn confused? All I do is feel but at the very depths is the numbness the darkness and I beome the darkness and it swallows me whole. Do they do heart transplants for broken hearts? Sign me up…