Town to officially pardon executed witches

A little too little too late - but it's good to know that the Scots have become enlightened.

VOTE!

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH PEOPLE - GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!!!

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU DECIDE TO CAST YOUR VOTE FOR (WELL - PART OF ME DOES BUT IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS) - GET OUT AND VOTE! MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD. PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES DIE FOR THIS PRIVILEDGE AND WE TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

Strange Horizons Fiction: The Great Old Pumpkin, by John Aegard

For your reading enjoyment - a very Happy Halloween everyone!

While we are on the picture thing - you know I always swore I would not put cute (or any kind for that matter) cat pics on my blog. However, this old tom has stolen my heart - there's no denying it. He is worth every single penny of the $10 we spent to 'adopt' him. His name is Ulysses and yes, he has a female counter part named Penelope. (We wanted them to have Irish names *laugh*).

This is my friend Bill and Mr. David Sedaris. The evening was delightful - thanks to my dear friend, and the satiric stylings of Mr. Sedaris - he was hysterically funny and I am now quite an avid fan - it's an evening I will not soon forget - filled with much laughter. Mr. Sedaris was quite gracious and signed books leaving weird little messages in each of our tomes. Wonderful!

Let's talk about ME for a moment

LOL - but isn' that what we ALWAYS do Colette?

So tonight I am going with my dear friend Bill to see David Sedaris (author of such wonderful books as 'Me talk pretty one day" and his latest "Dress your family in corduroy and denim").

Before I get into being a book reviewer, let me tell you about my dear friend Bill (his blog is listed in my blog links where he goes by Liam: @ http://www.liamsmusings.blogspot.com/).

I have, ever since we began talking (gosh it has to be about 12 or 13 years ago now), considered him to be a part of my family. When we met (on-line I might add), Bill was going through some rough times. He had lost his dad and not long after that had lost his mom. That's a lot for ANYONE to go through. But then, not long after his parents died, my friend Bill decided to out himself. I remember the day when he told me he was gay. And I remember him almost but not quite asking me if I still wanted to be his friend. After completely squelching the urge to belt him in the mouth for even asking - I then wanted to take him in my arms and hold him and let him cry all of his pain and anguish out until he felt safe again. Thank God/Goddess things have gotten better for him since that time long ago.

In a sentence/a sentiment - I LOVE BILL WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. He is one of my dearest and close to one of my oldest friends. I can tell him anything and I have. He is there for me, he never walks away, nor does he give me the verbal spankings which I so very much deserve at times. He has, on my blog here, and in letters he's written to me in the past, been one of the wisest people I have ever met. I am always amazed when he says something about my situation that rings so true and with such clairty that it actually takes my breath away. He is very funny (hysterically so) and witty, he is loving and kind, and he is genrous to a fault. I seriously do not know what I would do without him in my life. I think he has finally found someone who can love him the way he truly deserves to be loved and it does my heart good to see him so happy and so clear. He is with a person that I have come to like alot and I think they make a great couple and I can't say it enough - I am am so very happy for both of them. My hope for Bill is that all of his dreams come true because no one I know deserves it more.

For a gift - he has bought us tickets to go see David Sedaris. Now I had heard of David Sedaris and I had seen him do a reading on the David Letterman show and I think he is a very funny man. Bill lent me a copy of his latest book and I have to tell you I laughed until I cried reading this book. The man is brilliant. His family stories come alive for me and his grasp of the human condition is unfaultering and uncanny. Read his books NOW! You will be glad you did.

Yoga Punk Rock?????

Um OK - now I think I have seen everything....as a Yoga teacher- I have seen some pretty wierd things come across like Disco Yoga - but who knows this might be cool and the way I look at it - any way to bring Yoga to the masses is fine by me!

How long do we have to wait?

OK as a 40-something year-old I am getting pretty sick and tired of being reminder I don't make as much as a man does in the same position...and by the time 2050 rolls around - ya know I don't even want to think about it....

Didn't Laurie Anderson write a song mentioning this in the lyrics somewhere - what if all women decided to go on stirke - all at once??? Do we have the balls ladies?

School outlaws Halloween

Being sympathetic to all things Pagan - and frankly liking the holiday of Halloween - I think this is ridiculous. Shouldn't we be encouraging children to use their imaginations?

Recent blog updates

If you will kindly turn your attention to my sidebar (can you see me in my little stewardess uniform?) - you will see I have added a lot more blogs - I have also added a Parental Advisory. (I am not sure why all of a sudden I feel I should warn people that my blog contains explicit material, but I don't want some irate parent screaming at me about content - and frankly you irate parents can go to hell - because if you are blindly letting your children be on the internet, then you have no one but yourselves to blame if your 16-year-old daughter ends up in a hotel room with my soon-to-be ex husband).

That said I also want to make some comments about the 'building of my blog'.

We all know this blog began as a way for me to somehow make sense of what happened in my marriage. As time went on, slowly I began adding other people's blogs - and believe it or not I tried to tell them how much I liked their blogs as well - so in some ways this has become a social experience for me - 'meeting' fellow bloggers and sharing with them. I am always honoured when someone links to me - I have never felt my blog was all that great so I am happy people out there like what I've done.

As I began adding links, I realised that, as with my writing, I am putting my personality out there for the world to see, in some cases my religious and political leanings as well. What you will notice is that I have put links up to my favourite authors (Colette (duh!), Anais Nin, Margaret Atwood - just to name a very few), I have put my friends blogs out there, and then also, as I stumble across other blogs that catch my eye, I have added those. Thus in some ways the addition of the 'Parental Advisory'. I have recently linked to blogs about sex - explicit in nature - to be totally frank - I have linked to blogs that feature call girls/escorts - why - because I am fascinated with that type of life-style. I always have been intrigued by women who are willing to 'sell' their bodies and by men who are willing to pay for sex. This is one of the worlds oldest professions and the ladies I have linked to have what I consider to be, incredible minds, and a lot of wit, humour, charm and I am sure, beauty (otherwise how could they stay in business?).

Now I could go on for hours about the societal ramifications of condoning such behaviour but I won't. What I do want to say and what I truly *do* feel is this: Plain and simple we need to get our heads out of our collective asses when it comes to sex in this country. In Europe and other countries, there is a much healthier attitude towards sex, having a mistress/lover is in some ways a common and acceptable aspect in many marriages. For men AND women.

The porn industry, which has been up until recently been run by men, needs to have the tables turned and women need to take some control (I did recently see a blurb about this on some cable channel - about a women-run production company that was putting out more 'romantic/feminine friendly porn') - I feel even more strongly about women who do enter into this profession. Pimps should be outlawed. Men should not be pimping women. WOMEN should be doing this. It's our bodies, it's our choice and damn it we earn the money for the work. Why should there be a middle man involved unless it is via the way of introduction of new clients to keep the women safe? I don't mean to be man-bashing here but if there is a way to help women to become more self-sufficient and entrepreneurs when it comes to this industry then that's the best possible scenario. And there's a hell of a lot of money to be made too.

As to why men need this kind of sexual satisfaction - only they can answer that. Obviously I feel that men and women view sex and relationships differently. That's pretty evident - and not in the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' way. Most average house wives are probably not going to perform a strip-tease or buy Fredericks of Hollywood lingerie to 'spice' things up' on a regular basis - I'd be willing to bet a lot of women out there are too harried or too tired to even care by the time 'bed-time' arrives - thus perhaps these 'women of the night' are filling a void, ultimately doing a service and the rest of us need to shut our pie holes and be grateful. I am not judging either way - I probably would have been happier had my husband just had a mere one-night stand with a call-girl vs a 6 month affair with an 18-year old - even though she also prosituted herself. He fell in love with her. I don't know if women doing this fall in love with their clients - I am sure it happens sometimes - I hope if it does it's a happy ending for all parties involved. I do think though that if we took a healthier attitude towards sex and were not quite so uptight that perhaps the battle of the sexes would not be waged so fiercely and for such high stakes.

To my fellow bloggers out there - I salute you and your bravery in putting your life out there and baring your souls for all the world to see. I want to thank you for making the world a little smaller.


As ever,
Colette

A journey home

Went to visit my old home town this past weekend – Pittsburgh PA…..
More hauntings, more memories. The drive down was nice. Late afternoon sun slowly setting behind me, setting the trees on fire, blazing the colours as mother nature shows off her fall brilliance.

Driving through Pittsburgh can be a very harrowing experience – especially if you are not used to it. First of all there are the hills. My aunt Jean (the one who passed away a few years ago, the one I felt most akin to, the one who looked like a pixie), used to tell us that there was one hill in the old neighborhood and if you could navigate it during the winter – that alone should be enough to grant you a driver’s license. Then there are the ‘tubes’ the tunnels – tunnels that were carved into the hilly/mountainous region that begin the line of the Allegheny Mountains….and of course leading into the tunnels are the most convoluted and confusing lanes of traffic, and if you are in the wrong lane…heaven help you because there is no getting over, and unless you know the area, you can get lost fast – or cause a major car accident. It’s extremely unnerving.

As I drove into the old stomping grounds, memories of my father’s side of the family came flooding back to me – for I was on ‘their’ side of town at this point. My dad and his brothers were ‘South-side’ Irish boys. All of them fair-skinned and blue eyed; all of them mischievous. I thank my lucky stars every day for having a bit of their blood running in my veins. I was sent back in time to a place of innocence (or so I must have felt when I was very young) – a place where the tragedies of my life had yet to unfold. A place where it was not uncommon for a Sunday gathering at my Irish Grandmother’s house to include 30 or 40 people and lot of laughter (to the point of tears), whiskey tenors belting out bursts of song, songs about rebellion, songs about Ireland, songs about coming to a new land, and of course - all the whiskey to go along with the singing.

Visiting my home town is bitter-sweet and melancholy for me…I want to return there some day (I think to myself) – live out the rest of my life. Find some small cabin in the mountains and become a hermit of sorts and live a quiet life. I don’t know why I feel that I should return. Perhaps it’s a running away.

The soundtrack that goes along with these visits is a cross between the keening in the Cranberries songs, the bawdiness of old Irish drinking songs and the anger of the Pogues. Sometimes when I hear the accents or even out of the corner of my eye when I see someone bearing some sort of family resemblance - I can swear I am hearing or seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles, talking and laughing. And like a time-traveler I am transported back to that place where I felt safe and happy.

'Mary Poppins' Registers to Vote in Ohio

I am not sure there is too much I can add to this....perhaps I should say only in Ohio...
Really though, as far as I am concerned - whatever it takes to get that asshole out of office and perhaps Mary Poppins is just the woman for the job *snicker* our luck she's probably a Republican.

Unfaithful man forgets penis at home

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.....sound's like an excellent idea to me....actually I love the bit about how he was 'rudely awoken' - I guess you can't get much ruder than that *laugh*. Gives a whole new meaning to the term detachable penis. Take note cheating husbands out there - hide the Ginzu knives!

Burning bridges

I have wanted to say this for a long time….actually I have wanted to scream about this for a long time.

I want to ask those people that call my husband ‘friend’ why they have never had the balls to confront him for what he has done…that’s right I want to know. You see I believe if you don’t tell your friends the truth – or confront their destructive behaviour – that you in ways condone the behaviour. Is that the case kids? Cause if it is you can all go straight to hell – do not pass go, do not collect $200. It’s like knowing a friend of yours is about to get in a car and drive while really drunk – shouldn’t you stop them??? Aren’t you obligated to stop them???? And, are you going to try to tell me that infidelity, irresponsibility, dangerous sexual practices, lying, etc. IS an OK way to behave???? Excuse me???? Perhaps you are uncomfortable – perhaps he does not give you any openings, which is what I keep hearing – but you know what – bullshit! Wasn’t I your friend too???? What kind of ‘real’ friend sits by and says nothing while their friend destroys lives?

Worse are the people who are trying to remain friends to us both – this probably numbers only one – it’s a woman and she is neurotic as hell. I am tired of her pandering. Martha Stewart, mamby-pambyness about this whole sordid thing. Get a fucking spine OK! Stop talking about him behind his back, siding with me – after you have seen him at lunch - and start telling him this shit to his face!!!! I am sure likewise if he complains to you - you side with him. Otherwise leave me alone! I can’t stand behaviour like this. It’s two-faced. I’d rather not even be friends.

In fact once I actually begged her to help me when I thought he was just going to show up at one of my Yoga classes and she blew me off – I desperately have needed someone else to talk to him for me – why??? BECAUSE THE ASSHOLE ISN’T LISTENING TO ME! That’s why.

Look, I am not saying that I expect you guys to do anything about this – I am just expecting people to stop wearing blinders and participate in the friendship. Say something! You want to watch his life slide into the dumpster, fine – if that’s your idea of compassion and caring – more power to you. Perhaps it’s a generational thing and my friends are just more concerned about me – it’s not like I don’t get an earful about the things I have done or am doing – and believe me if some of my friends do ever run into him – I pity him….again it’s not a violent measure – but ignoring things IS condoning things. To me being a friend is just as much about the shit you DON’T want to do as it is the fun stuff. If you can’t handle things like this when your friend so desperately needs it – then I pity you the times when you need this and your friends in turn do nothing to help you. Letting someone off the hook isn’t all ways the best thing for them.

Longing to be released

In that quiet place in my heart, where I try to ponder, to reflect, to meditate – there is no solace. It is like there is a heavy curtain has been drawn and I can’t get a glimpse through in order to really gauge my feelings. I am so sad, I am so fear-bound by this pending divorce. I don’t know why. I don’t think I filed on impulse (but then unfortunately that’s one of my other major flows – that I am impulsive) – I feel that this was more of a life-preserving measure – or at least a heart (emotional) saving measure.

So why am I so scared? Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset that he now won’t talk to me – won’t understand the reasoning behind this? I mean is this not an easy matter to understand? He betrayed me, over and over, he knew there was a knife in my heart and he kept turning the blade – why wouldn’t I run from that – what kind of sick and sadistic person would stay through such behaviours??? And, it’s not even that I am staying with him now – why would I put my neck on the chopping block again (go back to him) – for I have to say – if this happened to me again – it would kill someone (probably me because I don’t own a firearm and I would never run anyone over with a car 3 times *snicker*).

I still love this man – that much is true. The love has receded, become cautious, not joyful, exuberant – this love is afraid of it’s own shadow. More to the point – this love seems to dwell in the shadows. Living with him was like living with a constant shadowy uncertainty. I never knew when he was going to be a jerk, I never knew what he was really up to. There was always a hint that he was being underhanded, sneaky.

I keep telling myself to throw myself into my life – full steam ahead and all that crap – but I am paralyzed and I don’t know why. Part of me feels that it’s not a good idea to just start projects or keep myself too busy because I feel there is a second wave coming and when it hits I don’t want to be non-functioning or renege on any commitments.

I don’t want to have a laundry list on here of his bad qualities or a litany of my complaints *laugh*, that’s what this blog has turned into at times hasn’t it – me fuming, foaming at the mind about his transgressions. But they DO come into play here. I mean is it wrong of me to want to be with someone who is going to be kind to me? Where I don’t have to always be on the defensive, where I don’t have to always be reacting, in fight or flight mode, where I can relax, where I can trust, where I don’t have to wonder all the time….

In talking to a friend the other night, I was asking why I am attracted to such buffoons and she explained her own attraction to intelligent, artistic types as well – so my question is – does that come with the territory? Does this mean I have to look for a blue-collarish-beer-swilling-handy-man type where there is going to be no intellectual stimulation???? Or worse does this mean in order to be with someone who is creative, intelligent etc. that I have to be abused??? Oh Goddess please – I’d rather be alone. I keep whispering to myself – it’s like a mantra now – “WHY CAN’T HE BE A BETTER PERSON?” The answer becomes that he is simply incapable or he refuses to and I don’t know which it is. Perhaps the only thing to do is finish things once and for all and sit back and wait – maybe if he was with someone else he would not act this way? Maybe it’s me bringing out the worst in him? Maybe he can be a better person but not with/to me – and if you love someone, truly love someone, isn’t that what you want for them – to see them become the best person they can be for themselves? Is my love strong enough to step aside to release my ego and my fear to allow him the freedom to do just that become himself….

I hope so – for both of our sakes.

The end is near...

Well it happened. He finally got the paper work about the divorce. We even have a court date….

My level of sadness has risen considerably. I keep thinking about the looming loneliness, a life void of any romantic fulfillment – I can’t help it – it’s a fear – it sticks in the back of my throat and my mind. So do all the tears, the sorrow the hurt and the anger. For I am oh so very angry...

He wants to talk – he wants to go get help, he wants to go to counseling. He does not want to get divorced and yet…let’s examine the facts and how *I* am viewing things here.

He has done nothing but lie to me for almost a year now. He has kept trying to hook up with his little slut while at the same time professing to me he wants to be with me (um yeah ok). He has over and over created new accounts in order to look for new women – he has continued to lie to those women as well. When I did confront him about why he is not telling people he is separated (yes instead he uses single (*bitter laugh*) but then he used single when he WAS married) – he tells me it’s none of their business….I suppose it was none of their business when he WAS married – I guess it was none of mine that he was cheating. Which is why I am opposed to going to counseling – how can you go get counseled with someone who has no moral fiber – who lies the ways some people play sports – I mean all he is going to do is what he does when we talk about these things…he is going to shrug his shoulders and say “I don’t know”, “I don’t remember” or the best one “It’s my sickness that made me do that”.

I always thought that when you were separated but wanted to put your marriage back together that that’s what you worked on – not becoming the next Don Juan….

Let’s look at it from another angle. My family and friends – I can not foreseeable get back together with him and have them be supportive or perhaps even stay in contact with me. If my daughter could figure out a way to hire a hit man she would. Now I realize that in this day and age of divorce and ‘blended’ families that sometimes the kids (especially the grown up kids) have to take a back seat to your wants and needs – but you know what…I love my kids, I love my family and I am not willing to give them up. They are part of me they always have been. A lot of my friends (in fact OUR friends) feel the same – I don’t think they would abandon us – but I do thing they would think me crazy and probably a fool…..

But then love makes you foolish doesn’t it?

I am just trying to weigh out the pros and cons here.

How about the fact that nothing has changed in his life – he has done nothing to change himself – other than to get rid of the ole’ ‘ball and chain’. He is not proactive about anything. He constantly whines about his lot in life without doing anything to change it or realize he has done this to himself. He does not want to acknowledge that ultimately he has no one to blame but himself – I take that back…he does say that sometimes – but then when he gets particularly angry or frustrated he reverts or blames me…it’s all so much fun. Lately when we talk it’s like we are strangers – strangers with nothing to say to each other.

I for one refuse to let him off the hook. That is very different from forgiveness. I can forgive him and I do. But, he has to stand up to the plate and take responsibility. He claims he has done that – but he has not in fact done it at all. Oh yes when we are alone he does – to me – the problem again becomes all the other people in our lives that he never talks to about this (over and over again friends mention feeling like there is a ‘white elephant’ in the room and he ignores it) – and so to me a huge step would be to shoulder the responsibility not just to me but to everyone…but see he again feels it’s none of their business.

To me the best thing is to just go through the process. If, who knows, in some years’ time he does the work he needs to do on HIMSELF – perhaps then we can try and put things back together. But he has to change. I have already changed. I was changing without our marriage and I think it’s probably what drove him to seek out someone else in the first place – you know some little teenybopper who only wanted to have fun, not deal with responsibility, or reality. I hope one day my husband wakes up – from his dream, from his ‘sickness’ from within his cocoon that allows him to insulate himself from the ‘real world’, from his ostrich-like behaviour and I hope when he does wake up it’s not too late for him to start really living his life and embrace all of it – the suffering, the mediocrity, the day-to-day. Perhaps one day he will let go of all of his fantasy and join the rest of us here on planet earth. Fantasy is a nice escape, but when the lines begin to blur I think you find yourself in deep trouble and all I can see him as now is a deeply troubled individual who wants me to save him from drowning in the ocean he has created for himself. The problem is that he knows how to swim and, ultimately the lesson is – you can’t save anyone else – they have to save themselves.

What a long strange trip it's been

I keep telling ghost stories - I really don't know who I am telling them to or why I seem to need to pass them along. Maybe I am looking for some kind of key to unlock my own Pandora's box and then I will be free of my own demons. Maybe I am just keeping this acocunt for posterity and perhaps my kids/my grand-kids may someday look at this and say "Wow she was kind of cool after all..." Not that they much care now or even will care. Perhaps one day - someone, who may have saved my writings will give this to one of them and they will get a glimpse of their mom in a whole new light...

************************************************************************************

I met my ex-husband, M - through some mutual friends - drug-fiends - down in Houston, Texas. At the time, I was living with my daughter's father Tommie (see past ghost story for that reference). Tommie as I have said, was sick - he was also in denial about his sickness. I barely saw Tommie half the time because we worked opposite schedules. I had no real friends - other than some of Tommie's transplanted family who were also in Houston TX with us. I wanted to make some of my own friends. Let me tell you folks it was slim pickins' down there.

Enter Val and Dirk - Val was a hyper-spastic mom. Dirk was one of the most laid-back people I had ever met. He would surprise me from time to time with his 'zingers' - just a brief glimpse that underneath that typical Texan drawl there was a hint of intelligence and humour. I liked Dirk way better than I ever liked Val. Their life centered around their kids (two little girls, one was like 6 or 7 yrs old and one was a baby), their use of drugs (hard drugs), and their friends who also seemed to use drugs - a lot.

We all lived in the same apartment complex. Val was like that nosy neighbor on "Bewitched" she was always in everyone's business. Yet her own life was not exactly what one would call 'picture perfect' - her fights with Dirk were almost legendary. You could hear them screaming at each other all the time. Mainly it was Val's high-pitched voice yelling at Dirk - but when Dirk would yell his voice would boom - and then you knew it was gonna get nasty.

When I would get lonely or when I would want my daughter to play with some English-speaking children - I would go down and visit Val. We would drink crappy coffee and talk (surface talk) - never anything intellectual or deep. Just about our kids, our men, our housework. At the time, my use of illicit drugs consisted mainly of smoking some pot...not much else - I really did not want to do anything else because I had already had my fill of that and further I did not want to do much around my daughter.

Once day in particular I was hanging out with both Dirk and Val when one of their friends came to visit. (Enter Tony's dad, M- ) His uniform of choice was blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a baseball cap. He was down-to-earth and he was a YANKEE. To top it all off - he was intelligent. Very intelligent. I liked him immediately. We seemed to hit it off - we began to talk and exchange books. I even invited him over to dinner at my apartment to meet Tommie and hang out.

Now things with Tommie and I were going bad - actually they were going from bad to worse. I knew Tommie was sick but as I mentioned before I could not really get him to do anything about it without getting in a fight or worse, hit. I was scared and I knew something had to happen soon.

That's when, on one fateful day, Val decided to take matters into her own hands. You see Dirk got me a job in a bindery for one of the print shops in Houston. I used to get up at 5:30 AM and go into work with Dirk - meanwhile, Tommmie was left home to care for our daughter. Unfortunately Tommie's illness was a lot worse than most of us thought - and on this particular day he passed out; leaving my daughter in her crib alone, scared and crying. As her screams got louder and louder (probably around 11:00 am or so) - Val decided to go up and check out the noise. She could hear the baby screaming....she could not rouse Tommie - so instead she went to the apartment manager and got in and took my daughter to her apartment and then proceeded to get the 'authorities' involved. By the time I got home from work...there was a lot of commotion and basically Val told me I had two choices, I could leave Tommie, or I could have my daughter taken away from me...I chose to leave - I was forced into this, but it was a good thing in the end. (Not that Val should have won any 'Mother of the Year' awards...)

At any rate I ended up with Val and Dirk - I had nowhere else to go - Tommie's family did not have the room or the ability to put me up. Val's and Dirk's place as a soulution was shortly wearing thin....it was not place for me much less my daughter. The frineds would come and visit at all hours and it was just nuts. I found out that their friend (the one I liked) was having roommate problems....I think eventually it dawned on both of us that the solution was right in front of our noses. I moved in with M - (which believe it or not really pissed Val off - perhaps because she could no longer meddle in my life.) I moved in as his room-mate (at first). There was a hint of perhaps more - there was a definite attraction. M- lived his life quietly - in comparison to Val and Dirk. He had a lot of fiends - a lot of lesbian friends - which I thought odd. It was a bit strange having to fend off their advances at times .

Tommie's illness drove him back home to Cleveland. He was very sick with a rare kidney disease. He had to move home to live with his mother in Cleveland. Around this point things between M - and I began to change. He would bring me home flowers for no reason. He started to take an active interest in my daughter's life. He in essence began to become a 'husband and father'. Our first sexual encounter was rather awkward and unusual. He just wanted me to lie with him on his bed - unclothed, while he looked at me... for some odd reason I felt more naked this way, more exposed. I mean I had had my share of sex, but this was on a different level than that. We did connect. It was slow - it was not really passionate - but it was nice. Manny was gentle and unassuming - he cared deeply for both me and my daughter and he showed me more kindness than I had ever felt before from a man. We decided after a while to get married. After 4 years of marriage we had our son.

Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending. Life and time began to erode us and our relationship as it does all things. I think we 'grew up' and grew into two different people and we no longer 'connected'. There seemed to be no common bond other than raising the kids which was fine from a functional standpoint but not from a relationship standpoint. Our marriage fell apart. I am still saddened by this - especially now as I relive a pending divorce with my current husband. Time has a way of making you realise things - things you took for granted, things that you perhaps should have fought harder for....I try to not live in the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' mode of being - but I can't help being wistful and melancholy.

M- has always been there for me - to this day he is there for me. He has been a good father to our children (for I do consider him to have raised my daughter as well as our son). We went through a rough time when I left and we divorced - but he will always be my friend. I hope he knows I will always be his.