"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"...or How Envy Colours my World

C’Mon sing it with me kids!

"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener,
that is what I truly want to beeeeeeee!
‘Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener,
Everyone would be in love with me!"

(OK so you have to wonder at the marketing genius who made us sing a song (well back in the day) that had us envious of a hot dog…)


So I’d like you to meet my other ‘Gremlin’ (drum roll please) that green-eyed monster (fanfare) Jealousy! (even more fanfare) – (and I am sure it is no small coincidence I have green eyes). I am, have been, continue to be jealous – of her (and of course all those other women) that my husband was lavishing attention on. I have to say this emotion/irrational feeling does truly turn people into monsters.

My husband never used to get jealous – I mean he’d get resentful of my time spent with my kids – but if I needed to deal with my ex-husband or even ex-boyfriends – he was OK with it – but not me – I never trusted him (but then I don’t trust ANY men – and there’s a lot of reason for that and perhaps one day I will delve into that with you). Now mind you when we were first together or not long thereafter – he was on-line doing the same things he was this last year – talking to all sorts of women on the Internet (in some cases young girls) – he even got a young woman to fly out from Boston to meet him in a hotel room – and yes I did find out about that – and yes I broke up with him back then too (Hell you’d think I would have learned my lesson then). So while I will say this is a continuing pattern of behaviour from him, and while I don’t think it’s right - I guess I want to know what I was doing too – in other words was my jealousy causing him to ‘play the part’ to make it all a forgone conclusion ("Well she doesn’t trust me anyway so…").

My envy does not extend to people who have more than me – nicer homes, cars, jewellery – I could care less – that’s just stuff – stuff fades, you can’t take it with you etc. But I should feel that way about the people I love too, no? I mean he’s not mine, is he? I don’t OWN him. I have no right to tell him who he can be friends with or even love. Yes I suppose if you commit yourself to a person, you should not stray. Being married means you don’t get to do that – I mean unless you both agree it’s ok to have an open marriage – I don’t remember agreeing to that.

The other ‘creepy’ thing here, is that this girl (Erin), looks like me (albeit a much younger me) – at least with her glasses on she does – I saw a recent photo and it was kind of eerie. I wonder how much THAT plays into this too – he was replacing me with a younger, more upbeat version. Almost a Stepford wife kind of thing???? I dunno. But I do know that it takes a very strong person to overcome those feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, that fear that she just might have something I don’t have. She just might be able to take my boyfriend, spouse, life-partner away with her better body, brains whatever.

I really need to work on this because someday, someone is going to come along that I will want to be with and I don’t need this ruining my future relationships.

Can divorce be predicted like any natural disaster?

Here is a story from Yahoo that caught my eye - because these days I am all about the failing relationship. I read this over and see myself and the things *I* did that helped cause the demise of my marriage. I am tired of playing the blame game - I need to shouder some of this too - I have been angry - and yes I have been cautioned not to be angry at myself - but you know what - fuck that noise - if it's deserved why not be a little angry at yourself???? Instead I run and jump on my soapbox and point my angry finger at everyone but me, myself, I. Relationships are hard work and too often I think the frailty of being a human being, ingrained habits, the stress of day-to-day life, our 'getting in our own way' and any other number of stressors, make us lash out at those closest to us. We think 'well they will always be there...' - but THEY won't folks - everyone has a limit to what they will tolerate.

If we, in our relationships, don't treat each other with kindness and respect, with tenderness and care - even if the situation does not always warrant kindness vs. snapping or being a bitch - well then how can we expect to rise above it all? We can't. And in my case we didn't....so why am I so hurt, so shocked by HIS reactions to my reactions. Silly, silly girl.

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'We're Done' Can be Predicted Before 'I Do'

By Kathleen Doheny
HealthDay Reporter
THURSDAY, Aug. 19 (HealthDayNews)

It seems the seeds of divorce are sown long before a couple recites their wedding vows.

New research shows certain relationship skills -- or the lack of them -- can predict whether two people are headed for marital bliss or a painful breakup.

The skills that predicted success will come as no surprise to marriage therapists or happily married couples.

"The ones who stayed happily married were likely to handle conflict constructively," said study author Mari L. Clements, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. Her report appears in the August issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family.

"Even in the midst of a difficult issue in their relationship, they were likely to treat each other with respect," Clements said. "They were likely to listen to each other."

Those headed for divorce were more likely to make negative comments about the relationship or the partner, she found. And this pattern was evident before the marriage ever took place.

>Clements and her colleagues studied 100 couples over 13 years to predict and confirm the couples' marital satisfaction or distress. The couples had volunteered to participate in the Denver Family Development Project beginning in 1980 and were each planning their first marriage.

Before their wedding, they were tested using a variety of measures, such as a marital adjustment test which evaluates such factors as happiness, disagreement and confidence, a tool that allows a partner to rate the effect of their spouse's communication, and a relationship problem inventory.

"Couples who ended up divorced viewed each others' communication more negatively," Clements said.

>"We assessed them before they got married, when they still had all the rose-colored glasses in place," she said. "We followed them for 13 years."

As the study continued, 58 couples were considered happily married (although some had fallen into distress and then recovered), 22 were married but not happy and 20 had divorced.

The findings are actually good news, Clements said, because the lack of skills leading up to unhappiness and divorce can be dealt with in counseling. "The way you handle conflict, the way you communicate with your partner, we can [help people] change those," she said.

And it's not that the happily married couples are perfect, Clements said. "It wasn't that the couples who are happy never undermined or insulted their partners," she said. "They just did it less."

>But even a few hurtful remarks can turn a small problem into a big one over the years, she said. "Say I only say one nasty thing to my partner once a day. But over 13 years, to hear it every day will have a cumulative effect."

Marriage expert Thomas Bradbury calls the findings "noteworthy" because they show how a handful of variables assessed even before marriage can reveal important information about how a relationship will evolve.

From the study, "we see how the presence of harsh and critical comments, even very brief and well-intentioned ones, can accumulate to erode spouses' feelings of closeness and intimacy," said Bradbury, a professor in the department of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles and author of several books on marriage and divorce.

"I agree with Dr. Clements and her colleagues that more work is needed on this topic, but already we can see that our relationships, like most things, require maintenance and attention. John F. Kennedy said it best: The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. Attending to our relationships now, today, is essential if we want them to remain strong into the future."

Update...

A quick update for those of you concerned.

I AM OK.

I am sad, I am angry, I am hurting. I cry often and for no apparent reason – I feel this is normal.
Part of me wants someone (preferably a total stranger that I just meet by chance - or through a friend) to come along and sweep me off of my feet….and yet I am terrified of this happening to me. I am scared that I will fall in love, I will be vulnerable and I will not be ‘safe’.

I am reading a wonderful book now, (aside form the ones I’ve listed), called 'Taming your Gremlin"…it was a suggestion from Linda (again thank God for Linda) – and it’s been helpful and funny and really hits the nail on the head about ‘getting out of your own way’. I used to always tell my daughter that she was sabotaging her own success – little did I know where she picked up that trait...(mirror, mirror). We all do it to some extent and it’s so stupid and fruitless.

Ok so this is just the start of something and I will write more maybe even tonight…if I have time. About all sorts of things….I don’t want to neglect this.

As ever,
Colette

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Continuing on....

So it been a bit of a roller coaster for me lately. I have pretty much cut everyone off except those people I have to deal with. I just am not real good to anyone right now. I feel useless and beaten down.

Last night I watched White Oleander and I cried my eyes out but I can't figure out if it was the movie or me....

Tonight I have to pack I am leaving for Michigan - my daughter is getting married this weekend and I should be joyous.

Last weekend I went to a friend's wedding...I was miserable - I begin to hate weddings but I have to put on the happy face. I have to not cry. Luckily I can blame my crying on the fact it's my daughter and I really will be crying for that reason - at least for part of it....

More when I return