The Truth

The Truth...

...behind the accusations against the man who made 'An Inconvenient Truth'.

So...does it make you all feel better if indeed he IS buying and investing enough in renewable energy costs to offset his ENTIRE bill?

"The think tank said Gore used nearly 221,000 kilowatt hours last year and that his average monthly electric bill was $1,359. Johnson said his group got its figures from Nashville Electric Service.

But electric company spokeswoman Laurie Parker said the utility never got a request from the policy center and never provided them with any information."

Hmmmm....

NPR: Bob Woodruff and Wife Pen Recovery Memoir

Bob Woodruff and Wife Pen Recovery Memoir

Wow....

I had wondered what happened to him.

I am glad he is recovering and wish him and his family continued healing.

NPR: Purim

NPR: Purim

I've always been interested in this Jewish celebration/holiday - there's a wonderful story behind it's inception.

Stolen

(From the dear Squire - who got it from one of his friends...)

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

Re-considering the 'do-over'

...well for today at least...

I want to go back ‘home’ and crawl between clean, cool sheets and go to sleep/take a nap for the afternoon…with Erin (preferably).

I put the word ‘home’ in quotes because I feel my home is where he is.

Yeah and getting e-mails calling me a ‘stupid bitch’ cause I disagreed with a raving dictator-atheist-lunatic makes me feel ever so loved and special...

Yeah – like I said I want to go back to bed….or on vacation.

I want to be with my love laughing, talking, and making love – which we do all the time anyway…

...and now for the answers

(to the 'soul mate' questions - well *MY* answers):

Question #1: “If your company gave one-year paid sabbaticals, what would you do for that year?”

PAID?? Well first of all I'd be double checking with HR on that one....

Mainly I'd travel - probably to India and definitely the home of my ancestors - but it would not be a mere 'tourist extravaganza' it would be filled with learning and adventure. I would also do volunteer work and teach Yoga if I could to inner city kids.

Question #2: “Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?”

Anyone who really knows me knows the answer to this - it's a resounding yes - I can be rather self-depreciating. Besides I find humour in these situations. LOL - it can be blog fodder <*giggles*>

Question #3: “If your house were on fire, what’s the one thing you’d make sure to save?”

You mean after making sure everyone, including my animals made it out alive? I'd probably save photos, or the things I want to pass onto my children - anything belonging to my parents (cause they are gone now) - and some of my writings and those from my love. So yeah probably a lot of sentimental stuff - because all the other stuff is replaceable and just well...'stuff'.

Question #4: “What’s the biggest misperception people have about you?”

Hmmm this one is tough - I've been told a lot about myself from friends. Probably that I am outgoing - I may appear to be that on the surface - but I can actually be quite shy under certain circumstances.


Question #5: “What’s the one life experience you want a do-over on?”

I would have stuck it out under my dad's roof a little longer and gone on to college instead of going off to 'find myself', traveling etc. I think my life and by extension my children's' lives would have been better in some ways had I done that.

But I truly believe there are no 'do-overs' in life - we are who we are; shaped by our experiences, tragedies, accomplishments, adventures for good and for bad. I do know that I've been blessed with a second chance at having happier/'forever' relationships with some people lately and I don't take that for granted at all.

Is this your soul mate?

Is this your soul mate?

How would your 'soul mate' answer these questions?

Perception...

(Now Listening to: 'Thievery Corporation')


I send words, ideas, thoughts out into the ether.

A guru whose feet I once sat at, taught us that in Ayurvedic practices/theory (and possibly other methodology linked to Yogic practice), ‘Ether’ is the mother of all elements.

Is perception, then the mother of all thought and reality? Even that which is irrational, misguided/misunderstood?

Lately, there has been a lot of drama due to certain people in my life pushing their ‘agendas’ or ramming their views/perceptions down my throat. Not so nicely I might add. Grown ups actually throwing tantrums - very attractive people let me tell you.

I’d say I am surprised – but I am not – it boils down to a level of maturity, a recognition that your sense of your own self-importance does not have the right to interfere with the relationships of others. Does the phrase ‘think before you speak/act’ mean anything anymore?

I mean thinking people are being ‘dishonest’ with you because they are winning an argument? Or how about assuming that someone wants to keep putting up with your arrogant sexual advances and/or advances in general – even though they’ve basically told you no? How about someone telling you that they ‘know’ your lover/husband better than you do and it turns out they are full of shit and jealous – AND it’s obvious that that’s how they are acting?

Emotional blackmail – fun – isn’t it?

I grow weary of the drama inflicted by others because their ‘need to be right’ or their ‘perceptions’ of situations, relationships, hell even their view of ‘reality’ – is in serious need of further HONEST examination/introspection.

We all do this to some extent. We all have needs which then turn into agendas. We do it to our family and friends, our spouses and our co-workers. I am not suggesting I am any better than anyone out there. I certainly do try though to be as aware as I possibly can be and attune to even the subtle ways that I might try to manipulate a situation. I just sometimes wonder if certain friendships are even worth having for all the trouble they seem to cause

Holocaust survivors meet their Polish saviors

Holocaust survivors meet their Polish saviors

What a great story.

Forever....

I am forever holding ‘court’ in my own mind – I am probably insane (shut the hell up – no comments from the peanut gallery here….).

I am trying not to ‘overthink’ things, trying to calm myself – to tell myself that everything will be OK….

There are utterances/thoughts my love expresses to me that cause me concern about whether or not he is going to be happy being married to me. I’d like to be on the same page as him but not to the point of ‘not being me’. So when he ‘says’ certain things and my ‘normal’ answer would not be in accordance with his views, I tend to fret.

My cynicism comes bubbling to the surface (for those who are new to me yes I am cynical – always have been). It fights in turn with my internal and eternal hope/optimist; For I am indeed a romantic at heart.

When I thought about spending the rest of my life with someone (in the past) – I did not hesitate – I took my vows seriously and for whatever reason – well I know the reasons now more clearly and blame I think can be divvied up between both parties – whether equally or not is a personal opinion. I PLANNED on being married for the rest of my life. When my last marriage failed, I think I began to question the ‘idea’ of being with someone ‘forever’. Heck I figured I’d be lucky if I could get a decent guy to date/date me….

Now, when I think about spending the rest of my life with someone, it’s Erin I think of.

That’s not to say that I still don’t ‘worry’.

I worry about us ‘keeping up with each other’. I worry about us getting bored or tired of each other. I worry a lot about us not being ‘in synch’ – often times I feel woefully out of synch with him…..which to me then tends to open up a Pandora’s box of potential issues….and that does not even count outside influences: family issues, well-meaning-misguided ‘friend’ issues, life in general.

I suppose all we can do is the best we can do...lame isn’t it.

He’s asked me if ‘we can do forever….’

What a question.

Meh

I am fucking miserable.

Al Gore wins Oscar

Al Gore wins Oscar

You go President Gore!

Scared...

To go to bed - tho' I desperately need the sleep.

I can't breathe - I was up nearly all night last night and, according to Erin I snored (how very attractive of me - but then so did he - meaning we kept each other up...)

Got my haircut today and she cut it too short - it looks cute but is way too short - why the heck can't I grow my hair out correctly?

Today marks the 8th anniversay of Erin and I meeting and well falling in love - we did not fall in love the day we met - but we connected. We've been connected ever since...

The weekend began a bit rough - still dealing with the fallout - I will not mention from what on here - and it pushed us against our boundaries - for good and for bad - only time will tell if we can get through these kind of ups and downs.

Tonight we watched 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and the kids joined us - at one point his daughter K - snuggled in close to me and told me she loved me - with no prompting - it brought tears to my eyes.

(As an aside: I never realised how many times they mentioned that she didn't eat - well it was mainly Buddy Ebsen acting as a hick but still - as the original poster girl for anorexia you gotta admit it's pretty ironic - she was beautiful though).

I've been really emotional lately - I think I need a vacation or I am going to be in trouble - I need some respite from all that I am dealing with of late....I feel like I need to be Holly Golightly for some reason)...



*sighs*

I need to get to bed cause I want to try to go to mass tomorrow (duh today) - and I need to try to hook up with Mr. C - before he leaves for China...

...and it's so weird not being in bed next to Erin right now....

(Now Listening to (mystical stuff): Hidegard von Bingen, Sequentia, and The Hilliard Ensemble)

GRRRRRRRRRR - what else is new?

OK.

I am not feeling well - I am sick with a horrible cold.

I also have back pain going on - pulled muscle apparently.

Well - the cold thing has to work out on it's own.

For the back issue I was prescribed a prescriptiona strength NSAID.
OK fine - the resident also prescribed a muscle relaxant.

Well I am a good patient - translation: I look up the drugs I am prescribed to gage the side affects.

I find out that the muscle relaxant should not be prescribed to someone with glaucoma - which I have and which I told the resident not once but twice - pluse it's in my permanent medical record - which apparently is of no use.

So today (cause I've been too busy to call before now) - I called the resident:

Me: Dr. the muscle relaxant has a contraindication for people with glaucoma
Him: uh-huh
Me: Well I have glaucoma
Him: OH. Well just take the NSAID then
Me: Um..OK

SO I go down to the pharmacy to fill the Rx for the NSAID - find out it's $60 out of pocket - WTF????

You know what, I am just going to OD on Advil - the hell with this. Why the hell should i pay $60 for an expensive brand of motrin?

Further what the hell is up with these doctors not reading ther PDRs or making sure there's no contraindications when they prescribe stuff for their patients??????



GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Some clarification

I don't know how it is this all went so far.

It started with what I view as a personal attack and escalated when I decided to defend myself - go figure - I was not trying to be defensive but I don't feel personal attacks are fair, solve anything, or are appropriate in ANY sense, secular or religious.

Using condoms to stop the spread of HIV/AIDs, other STDs and unwanted prenancies is NOT A SIN. PERIOD.

What would be indeed a sin would be continuing to allow drug addicts to spread HIV and to have drug addicted babies.

THAT was why I was upset by the Catholic church's stance, nothing more, nothing less. It was not my intent to say or make people think that I believe abortions should be funded by the government (they should not - unless it is a case of rape and/or incest and the mother can't afford the help).

Going off on some band-wagon and accusing me of being for murder when all I was saying was that I think giving out condoms for free is a good idea is ludicrous - it is illogical. I was not talking about abortion - how do you equate the two? How does that work?

I am pro-choice - that does not make me pro-death and I am sick to fucking death of hearing that it does. The choice a woman has to make is personal, private and often painful. However it is her (and her partner's if he chooses to participate in the process) choice. How they come to that decision is entirely up to them.

Instead what has happened is that what I was talking about was taken out of context and turned into a battle about something else entirely - which I've lost miserably. Fine so be it.

I am going to continue to reserve my right to my opinion and to discuss it openly - without fear of being attacked, persecuted, or threatened. If it costs me something dear, again so be it.

A POLL

Unscientific of course...

Are people meant to be together forever? (as in couples - married. in relationships etc.)

Sexed-up images in media hurt young girls

Sexed-up images in media hurt young girls

Well fucking duh!

Yeah brilliant Einstein, what's next?

For better, or for worse. In sickness, and in health...

Heaven help us…

Both my love and I are sick and in pain.

I caught some nasty antrax mu and passed it onto him. (LOL)

Both of us have spine issues.

We both stayed home yesterday sick.

Before I get started on this though let me say that the weekend with him was wonderful. We went to celebrate our friend Liam’s b-day at Union Station/Bounce and that was great. C2 showed up and we all got to see a show (OK so I still don’t get why people of the female gay persuasion would want to watch drag queens strut their stuff – but hey who am I?) – and then we got to dance. OMG Erin can dance – he can really dance – I have not been that in synch with someone on the dance floor (like that)in ages. Just amazing...wow – he is amazing…

So by Sunday I was beginning to not feel well at all. In fact the day remains pretty much a haze. All I know is that Erin took care of me – and I NEVER let people take care of me – when I am sick I want to be left alone. But he helped me to bed and was so kind to me and loving – despite how awful I must have looked, sounded, etc. I was up half the night miserable – I am sure I kept him up too. By Monday I could not even stand the thought of going to work. So I called in – he called in as well. We stayed in bed and slept for a while. I spent the day taking in medicine and fluids. I had to go in later that day to teach Yoga (it was an obligation I could not get out of). We ended up watching a movie together.

Unfortunately, the movie had some graphically violent scenes that completely unnerved me. I could no longer watch the movie and instead went up to his bedroom to lie on the bed, shivering. In those moments I felt so very alone and so frightened. I know this is insane – but certain violent scenes in movies do that to me – they invade my psyche – which, since I took up the study of Yoga has somewhat become super sensitive. Sure. I can watch certain violent scenes – but things like people being decapitated or cut into pieces, women being hit or abused (children too) – cause me serious problems – I end up having nightmares sometimes for weeks.

This event caused discussion between Erin and myself. Even though we seem to be so totally in love and in ‘synch’ with each other we are still learning about each other. I gave him my take on watching such things and as always he was kind, respectful and concerned.

I was still quite shaken trying to teach class and afterwards and I know it caused some friction between us and I know you all think I must be a loon – but truly I believe what we put into our bodies in ALL forms (not just food and drink – but our choice of entertainment/diversions) – can cause problems for us. Violence begets violence. Again this is MY opinion. This is ME – MY psychic landscape. I can’t judge for anyone else – just like I don’t expect people to be vegetarians because of how *I* feel. To each their own. It’s just that if I am going to be in a relationship – I want whomever I am with to know I am not going to sit and watch this kind of thing – and a lot of you might think well so what? But believe it or not this can cause problems in relationships...I just want to make sure he knows I am not trying to impose my ‘standards’ on him and likewise, I am not going to do things I can not bear to do for him. Not that he expects me to – nor would he – which is why I love him.

********

Erin has been in incredible pain lately and I can’t bear to see him suffer. I am praying that the doctors can help him and that soon he will be on the mend.

Today I myself go to have my own back problem checked out. Not looking forward to this at all. The idea that I may have sciatica is scaring the hell out of me and I won’t do drugs, and surgery to me is probably not the right choice either...we shall see I suppose.

Despite all that we seem to be going through lately – every day I seem to fall more in love with Erin. He seems to feel the same way. The connection between us is so strong at times that I am not sure what to think. I worry/wonder at time about losing myself to this love – I am pretty sure we are both stronger than that though. I think that we are truly meant to be together and that we will weather all the storms life decides to throw in our path. God/dess willing.

NPR: 'Unhooked' Author Warns Against 'Hooking Up'

'Unhooked' Author Warns Against 'Hooking Up'

Great article - thinking of getting the book.

There are lessons for us all to learn here.

Catholics attack NYC's free condoms

Catholics attack NYC's free condoms

Yeah OK....

This is why part of me despises the church's policies/stand on such things...

People simply aren't going to abstain. That's the REALITY Cardinal/Pope etc.

So isn't it better to protect from STDs and unwanted (heaven forbid pun intended) pregnancies?????

Yeah...whatever.

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider

OK....

Um....

This is scaring me a little because my ex would have wanted me to go see this movie with him - and to be honest considering I'd sit through anything to watch the visage of Nicholas Cage ('cause he's on 'the list'), I'd have probably gone...

However...I kind of DO want to see this....

(Note to Erin: However it's probably going to contain totally needless romantic/sex interest stuff).

For the J - Man

Happy Birthday to you J –

You are growing into a fine young man, thanks in part to your dad, (whom I am rather fond of) and your mother as well...

Since I’ve had the privilege of knowing you, I feel very blessed that you are becoming more a part of my life – I am so looking forward to the honour of watching you grow up.

Because of you I get to ‘play’ with boys again. Because of you I get to re-discover fantasy worlds of dragon’s lairs, and evil empires, Munchkin games, and Lego Star Wars.

Because of you I get to once again receive hugs and kisses from a little boy – who is rapidly approaching the ‘not-so-little-anymore’ stage of his life.

You are sweet, handsome, intelligent, engaging and a blast.

Wishing you everything you want and dream of in the years to come, health, happiness and success.

May God bless you and keep you.

Thanks for allowing me into your life.


Love,
C -

Because we all need...

...a little cheesecake

(Read: OOOOH LA, LA)

(This was forwarded to me by Brandas - thanks darlin' I needed this)

(I've only posted my favs here - go buy the calender kids - these guys ARE real heros):

Mr. January:



Mr. February:



Mr. March:



Mr. April:



Mr. July:



Mr. December:

The weekend...

Looking forward to this weekend (and all of them to come), with my love....

Tonight fun and games with the kids.

Tomorrow: Going to see the matinee showing of 'Factory Girl' at the Cedar Lee Theatre .

Then perhaps to check out some of the shops/studios in the area.

I'd really like to take Erin to the west side to Chelsea's, and The Cleveland Shop to look at vintage clothing.

Tomorrow Night: B-day bash for Liam at Bounce - hoping to see C2 and Mr. C - should be a 'C-filled' evening (*giggles*).

Sunday - I am going to assume we are going to mass then hopefully either more fun stuff or relaxing/doing things around the house...

Yeah I could get used to living this way...

Bury my heart....

Last night's movie with Erin:



I am sure this bombed at the theatres...

Tommy Lee Jones is a great actor - in this case he is also a good director and producer. He translated the screenplay from the Spanish and ran with it...

This movie hits a nerve as far as how we deal with illegal immigrants in this country (you know those people - we call them ancestors - or in most modern-day vernacular and to quote the film: 'Somebody's got to pick the strawberries...').

Yeah.

There are some really surreal moments - it's definitely worth a couple hours of your time.

Checking for a pulse...

(...of the healthcare delivery/system in this country. The information below was sent to me by Country Squire. (BTW guys he's related to me via marriage and he is dear to me) At any rate would love to get your opinions - mine are left below (with some edits/corrections but the gist is the same). The reason why I entitled this post 'Checking for a pulse' is because I feel most of the citizens of this country simply don't have one when it comes to the important/vital issues facing this country - we seem to be just phoning it in - I have a suggestion: Wake up!))

********

"The President's State of the Union speech last week sparked a healthy debate over what to prescribe our ailing health-care system. Mandates or markets, single-payer or private sector, generic drugs or brand names? The list of differences is endless. What everyone can agree upon is that health care must be fixed. For both government and the private sector, our current system is unsustainable, and Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt is trying to change this.

Many entrenched health-care interests often claim that transformational solutions will not work because "health care is different." Health care is, indeed, different, and that is not a good thing. Innovation is slow, quality indicators are down, costs are perpetually on the rise, and tens of millions of individuals are locked out of the insurance market.

Rather than attempting to "fix" health care by himself with one magic bullet, Secretary Leavitt is putting the system on the right course to fix itself. Echoing the renowned Harvard business strategist Michael Porter, Leavitt is moving health care toward a value-based system.

Value-based health care means that providers, health plans and other health-care professionals are rewarded--and procedures and products are encouraged and utilized--based upon the true value they bring to the consumer. This means critiquing every aspect of the delivery of care, divining its true value by knowing its cost and quality. This formula works in every other market, and it must be the foundation of health care.

We can bring about real change by centering the system on what Secretary Leavitt calls the "four cornerstones"--information technology, performance measures, transparency and payment reform. The largest purchasers of health care, from state and federal government to the private sector, can change health care by ingraining
these four priorities into their purchasing and procurement--and then demanding accountability.

First, we must get information technology into the hands of health-care providers. Compared to every other sector of society, most physicians and other providers step back in time when they enter their offices, giving up computers and the Internet for pen and paper. We simply cannot deliver better quality, eliminate waste and improve efficiency without equipping doctors with the point-of-care patient information and decision support tools. And the technology must be interconnected, or interoperable, so that every IT system, no matter where it is, can deliver the right information on the right person at the right time.

Second, we must accelerate our efforts to create common measures to evaluate performance and cost. Today it is nearly impossible to determine, in any reliable way, who delivers the best quality care and at what cost. Government and industry are working to standardize common measures to enable us to gather and measure performance and cost in a common way, so we can compare apples to apples.

Third, we must widely distribute this information to consumers. Currently, the health-care system keeps consumers in the dark about the cost and quality of the care they receive. Try finding out which doctor has the best results for treating patients with asthma or diabetes. Try finding out how much a knee replacement will cost. Sites like FloridaCompareCare.gov and MyFloridaRX.com, which contain a wealth of quality and cost data, have proven to be incredibly valuable to consumers.

Additionally, with the right privacy and security protections, the federal government should release the data it has to let the public see which doctors are delivering the best care. Wouldn't you like to know who has the best track record for delivering high-quality care? You have the right to know this information, and t he federal government should release it.

Fourth, we must change the way we pay for care. In our current system, hospitals and providers that deliver better care are reimbursed, for the most part, at the exact same rate as those who provide poorer care. That is like paying the same price for a new Cadillac as you would for a used Yugo. This egregious approach must change so that better performers are rewarded.

Secretary Leavitt is trying to ingrain these "four cornerstones" into the federal government's purchasing of health care, most notably through President Bush's Executive Order #13410. This order instructs key federal departments, including HHS and the Veterans Department, to say to its contracted hospitals, physicians and other providers: We will not do business with you if you do not agree to these principles.

With a $600 billion budget at HHS that's set to explode in the coming years, Secretary Leavitt knows that sitting idly by is not an option. It is not an option for other big purchasers of health care either, be they from the private sector or state government. That is why GE, IBM, Ford, GM, DaimlerChrysler, Humana, and others have pledged to instill these cornerstones into their health-care purchasing. Governor Tim Kaine recently signed his own Executive Order to do the same in Virginia.

If every major employer, be it a corporation or state government, would embrace these four cornerstones, we could indeed build a value-based system that delivers more choices of greater quality at lower cost to every single American. But to get there, we need continued leadership and immediate action from everyone in health care--now."

********

I appreciated your sending this very much. Very thought provoking.

The system is broke. Pure and simple - I see it from almost every angle due to the nature of the job I have, my Yoga practice, and me being a 'patient' myself - something that a lot of health care providers seem to forget until they themselves are faced with a life-threatening illness for themselves or their family members(s)....

A value-based system WOULD indeed help a lot.

Here's what else would help. We have to fix the medicare system. We have to - it's a mess - it' creates a huge mess for doctors and health care AND the consumer.

We do need to somehow provide a national healthcare delivery set up for those who can not afford medical care - not shit like elective surgeries but basic health care. Socially and morally it's the right thing to do.

We HAVE to stop allowing the 'good old boys school' of thinking to keep running the roost at health care institutions - I see this on a very personal level.

The reason why I think this is a huge aspect of what needs to be done is very simple. Prevention. As the saying goes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. How many of us know this but do nothing to prevent illness. I find it unfathomable and inconceivable that today's modern health care system is not insisting on more focus to these ends. It's insane. If we can prevent devastating diseases like cancer, like heart disease, like diabetes (which then leads to heart disease and blindness, etc) then why aren't we - my humble opinion (for what it's worth) becomes that there's no money to be made if we keep people healthy either for the pharm-rx companies or for the doctors who are being paid by the pharm-rx companies to use their drugs.

When I began teaching Yoga at the institution I work for - I was on the cutting edge of a breakthrough here - I still am. It was an arduous climb. I was beaten down every chance they got because there was no empirical data/evidence that Yoga works - even tho (sic) Yoga is 5,000 (just what we know that's been codified) fucking yrs old. If it had not made it into JAMA or did not have a double-blind-randomised study then it was crap - even though the British Journals of medicine are filled with data about the healing properties (lowers risk of diabetes, CURES asthma, helps depression, cardio-vascular health, I mean you name it - it's a very long list).

I fought hard. I gave them my own data. I talked with them. At one point I said 'look there is absolutely no overhead to offer these programs to your patients, they are doing it anyway, you can BILL FOR THIS!'. Still I struggled. At one point I said to a doctor don't you call it practicing medicine? he agreed - I said - well I practice Yoga too - but the difference is that what I am practicing is 5,000 yrs old - and it wasn't just about Yoga - it was about Acupuncture, herbal remedies, integrative medicine in general....

Needles to say there was a git (a woman who was a total idiot in my estimation) running the 'program' - she ended up losing the respect of her peers and finally they canned the Yoga program (and the others too)..the excuse they used then (at least to explain to my why *I* was not going to be able to teach Yoga), was that I was not a nurse (yeah OK I have the basics of a Bachelor's degree in Yoga by now - besides while you can be a nurse and a yoga teacher you don't have to be a nurse TO BE a Yoga teacher - but whatever - it's called politics - oh and not to get off on a tangent but we need to get politics out of medicine too....)

Enter the new director for the Center for Integrative Medicine - she's a woman who was trained at CWRU and began a program teaching new med students about alternative/complimentary/integrative therapies - she's incredible and she knows her stuff - she met with me and it was like a breath of fresh air - she told me it would take time but she'd get me 'on board' that she considered me a colleague and to just be patient and positive.

Now, I have almost too many opportunities because of her refusal to back down and give in - we are steadily growing ALL the programs and I see this as a huge step in the right direction towards making people healthier in general - cause that's the key. STAY HEALTHY. And you go to your doctor - well we have all these specialists, for this ailment and that ailment - people don't want to be treated like pieces parts - they want to be treated holistically....

So that's my rant...my 2 cents worth (for what it's worth) - I believe adding value to medicine is a step in the right direction - but I think a lot of other things have to come with that including stopping the stranglehold the pharmaceuticals have in this country and getting our asses out of our easy chairs, exercising more, eating right and spending more time restoring our health and our balance in all aspects of our lives..

*YAWN*

OK I am fucking bored....

Wanting to go out an play.

It's that time of year again where I begin to go a little crazy and want spring to get here sooner....

This morning it was light out and I was energised (I even called up Erin to share the break of day with him - I am such a 'tard...)

So I am thinking of trying to get out and go see some bands that will be coming to
The Beachland Ballroom - namely: The Boys From County Hell, and Holly Golightly...

So yeah some cabin fever going on here....

Oh...and I miss Erin....go figure.

Erik Weihenmayer

Erik Weihenmayer

This man is amazing.

The reason why I am also posting this is because of a talk I heard yesterday by a doctor who climbs summits all over the world.

I am fascinated by these endeavors and by the people who undertake the arduous task of climbing mountains - Erik is the only blind man in history to reach the summit of the world's highest peak - Mount Everest

If this is not inspiration to overcome my own seemingly meager problems, I don't know what is...

Anti-Valentine's Day protests

Antin-Valentine's Day protests

Never let it be said that here on DOCG we do not give equal time to the opposition.

<*winks*>

'What Dreams May Come'

Last night we had a blizzard. A drive that would have normally taken me 25 minutes took me nearly 3 hours – it was crazy – what kills me about this is that they new this storm was coming and they didn’t have the roads clear and this happens ALL THE TIME right around rush hour – I mean what tards.

Anyhow I made it to Erin’s and he had the kids and we spent some time cooking mac & cheese for them and chatting – we were also making Moussaka for ourselves.

The kids' mom came to pick them up.

While we were cooking dinner, I mentioned or somehow got on the subject of ‘picnic’, Erin asked me to hold that thought then took me by the hand and led me up to the bedroom where he presented me with my Valentine’s Day gifts one day early.

He had bought me a beautiful book of poetry and photos/images based on the ‘Song of Solomon’. He gave me a pen (to write love letters with) and chocolates that each have little messages inside the wrappers. He also gave me a black cherry candle and a fork. There was a card too and I don’t have the exact inscription but to paraphrase ‘I will love you with Frisbees, and picnics’ (I will edit this later). The fork was for the picnics.

I am so in love with this man – he gives me gifts from the heart that mean more than he will ever know – they are symbolic and precious. I am so very lucky.

That night we retired early to just be together. We made love. We then had an even more intimate time with one another as we discussed our 'dream lives. I did not think it was possible to connect even more closely to Erin – yet somehow I feel closer to him now than I ever have. This connection is palpable. The fact that we can now walk through each other’s inner landscapes is without a doubt extraordinary. I knew we had this ‘connection’ early on but last night cemented that connection.

I’ve been able to discuss the metaphysical with others in my life (not too many people though who truly ‘get it’) not only does Erin ‘get it’ he is an adept at this. He has skill and knowledge and now we have yet another dream to share both literally, figuratively, spiritually and psychically.

I never thought I’d truly meet a fellow soul mate – I had given up on that idea – in fact I don’t believe in soul mates – I feel it’s either a cop-out or that the likelihood of meeting a true soul mate in your current incarnation is extremely rare. But the stars had other plans for me – and for my love as well...

I love you darling. I look forward to dreaming with you again soon – and you will always be a part of my dreams.

For Erin...just some lyrics

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth turn in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
That was there at my command

The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart beat close to mine
I thought our joy would fill the earth
And would last till the end of time my love
And would last till the end of time

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face

EROS BLOG

EROS BLOG

It's blog of the day/week here on DOCG

(well...duh!)

Enjoy St. Valentine's Day everyone

*kisses*

Colette

Dr. Menlo

Dr. Menlo


Repaying the favour of being 'mentioned' as a 'friend' by the good Doctor.

Thanks sir!

Getting 'Unstuck'

Trying to free myself of the muck and mire from my past.

Yesterday, my ex called me. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I know he is calling – but sometimes because of the way my phone works or because I am on another line, I don’t always know if it’s him calling me.

I can deal with him (at times) in small doses – but I’d rather avoid it because he plays head games and still tries to be manipulative and ‘stalks’ me…..

He was calling basically to share ‘good news’ that he now had been hired on full time and he was entitled to benefits. This is all good and I was happy to hear this. I don’t wish ill upon him. He asked if he could see me – I said no. Then he said:

“I found out that You” (meaning ME) “were entitled to 10 free counseling visits when we were married”

At first I did not understand his implications – then I realized he was chastising me because WE did not go get enough counseling.

I sat there for a minute letting it sink in – then I asked him if he was going to go get help for himself – he said yes – then he had to get off the phone.

I sat there….letting it sink in more.

Then I became livid; actually violently livid. This mother-fucking-asshole was implying that somehow *I* did not do enough when it came to counseling and getting US help. When HE was the one who went off of his meds. HE then lied about that. HE refused to go get ANY help. Then when we finally reached critical mass near the end of the relationship and we did go get counseling, HE refused to acknowledge the fact that since HE went off of his depressions meds that really NO ONE could help him – least of all us because his manic-depressive-BPD-bi-polar disorder would not allow anyone to deal with HIM rationally. HE then stated to all of us sitting in the session that we were ‘ganging up on him…’

A week later I found out he was screwing an 18 year old and trying to make it with 75 other people (men, women, and other couples). The rest as they say is history.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

First of all anyone who knows me and knows what I went through in that marriage, knows how hard I tried. I am not trying to give myself a pat on the back here or earn good-deed ‘brownie points’. I truly wanted him to get well and I truly wanted our marriage to work.

How dare he sound accusatory of me having 10 free visits and implying I didn’t do enough. I mean he did not come out and say this and perhaps I read the wrong thing into it – but when you are with a person for a decade you know how they think, how they operate and he was always insidious and always blaming everyone BUT HIM – he was always trying to pass the buck and he was always manipulative, using emotional blackmail.

I had to go teach a Yoga class not long after this conversation – I was able to make it through the class. But then I felt like crap emotionally.

Went to Erin’s and hit rock bottom. Just closed down emotionally. I did not even want to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting him. Finally I did – I was really upset and it really put us both through the wringer.

I am sick of this. I am sick of giving this man that kind of power over me. It’s my own damn fault for allowing this to happen.

I am stronger than this. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing love/man in that life and I am not going to let this tear me down. I know I am over-reacting to this and I need to stop.

Why do we do shit like this to ourselves??????


(*groans*)

Same old, same old...

(This is a re-post - from last year - and I picked this one for now because of something that happened to me yesterday - Erin will understand - the rest of you will be filled in with a post filed under separate cover)

********

Defending your life....


You know I keep having neat things happen to me and I keep meeting interesting people...having really great conversations – surprising and pleasant chance encounters – part of me does not believe in ‘chance’ meetings…

You would think I’d be gun shy (I am when it comes to dating I think) about when I first meet people – but I am not – I don’t hide behind pretense – I actually say what I am thinking and blurt things out – I don’t know why.

Likewise I wonder if when I meet and chat with people on line if the anonymity of the internet is what gives people bravado and you end up saying things to them or sharing things with them that you’d never ordinarily open up about...

I am more than willing to share the sordid details about the breakup of my marriage and my agony with total strangers – I wonder if that makes me crazy – all this introspective musing, put on display for the whole world to see – not that anyone is particularly interested in my mundane life (although I’d like to think they are).

I find myself sometimes rambling on about why I made the choices I made or why I fell in love with him, or why I still feel love for him despite what he’s done.

I wrote about this early on – this sense that I was suppose to somehow stick by him – because I had taken a vow to be with him no matter what. I seem to want to beat myself up over my failed marriage (a lot). I seem to feel the need to justify, to defend, what I’ve done. I don’t know why. Yes I understand that he was responsible for his actions – we are ALL ultimately responsible for our actions. But can you really trust the actions of someone who is mentally ill? Should they be blamed for their sickness or the fallout that comes from it? Are they to never be loved by a ‘saner’ individual? If the person who does fall in love with them knows that they are sick – should that person not stick with them despite their illness and all the upheaval that comes from said illness. So in other words do those vows mean anything??? I’ve written about this and lamented about this for a long time – asking the universe for some glint of an answer to help me figure out what the best course of action was. For instance he put me at risk with his irresponsible behavior. Now let’s say instead of him going out and having affairs and meeting up or trying to hook up with people on the internet he had instead done things to make him lose his job – which I am sure he had done to some extent – is that grounds for divorce?? When we say the words: ‘For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ should we be advised to insert a conditional phrase like ‘That is unless he/she puts me in harms way’? And is that love? Is that unconditional love? Don’t we always put ourselves a bit at risk when we fall in love? If we are lucky then the problems rear their respective ugly heads BEFORE vows are exchanged – but what if vows are exchanged? And what if the person marrying is fully aware of their loved ones failings/frailties – does that somehow make it different? Is it wrong to divorce a person because their mental illness causes them to behave in ways that are detrimental to a lasting and healthy relationship?

You know - during the times we were going through various phases in his illness together, there wasn’t much help for us as a couple – oh sure there’s couples counseling but it’s hard to counsel one sane person and one insane person simultaneously who are together trying to forge a bond. Do psychologists expect people who are mentally ill to never fall in love? If they do fall in love and (more importantly) someone from the ‘outside’ falls in love with them what advice do they have for the sane partner? Deal with it? Just be careful? Know your limitations? I mean I guess I’ve always been confused by all of this. Early on in our relationship I spent much time and effort on trying to get him help – I called people, I cried, I cajoled, I did everything in my power to try to get him the help and the meds he needed and we were only dating then...he became stable – we got married – he went off his meds and all of a sudden OUR lives fell apart – not just HIS life – MY life, as well as OUR COLLECTIVE lives spun out of control – I guess by this time after a decade of trying to keep it all together plus raise my kids, I was just completely tired of all the bullshit, no support; not from a psychological standpoint, nor from a societal standpoint, nor from a family and friend standpoint (I mean his parents were less than useless and after a while what the fuck can your friends really say?). And it’s not like I didn’t participate in the madness… I am going to say something here that may be very well viewed as ‘crazy’ but dealing with people who are depressed (especially in a manic sort of way) – causes depression in their mates – in other words – craziness is contagious – I fed into his psychoses – why? Because I didn’t know what to do – he’d be ranting or depressed or whatever form it took and it was all I could do to tread water – I was drowning in it…and it’s not that I didn’t love him – it pained me to see him suffer – I just didn’t know how to help and I of course could totally empathise when he’d say – I don’t like that counselor they are just not helping me – well sure if you are LYING to yourself as well as everyone around you (including the professional paid to help you) then you’re not going to get any better – but again if being delusional is a part of your illness then how are you suppose to stop that on your own?? I was fearful to have him committed because I had heard horror stories (from close friends) about how sometimes you can’t get the people back out of the institution – so I was lost so totally lost...

And now, I am ‘out of it’, I can see the forest through the trees and it does not make it any better or more tolerable or somehow ‘right’ it’s still a tragedy – it still keeps me up at times at night – it’s still sad – it’s sad anytime someone you love is ill and your are helpless against it – I wish I could help without helping (if that makes any sense) - send in some kind of proxy to help get him on his feet ‘cause he’s drowning in this all by himself now – no medical care, no meds, no nothing and jobless – the next step will be homelessness if something does not change…is that my problem? Many of you would say no to that question - so I will ask another age old question – Am I my brother’s keeper? It’s hard to be compassionate and detached at the same time isn’t it?

(And no, for those of you concerned this does not mean I am going to run back into a burning house to save someone who is in essence beyond saving.)

Do YOU have the RIGHT answer?????? Just curious...

'The importance of being earnest....'

Lots going on...I feel at times like I am spinning – a whirling dervish, dancing faster than my feet can keep up...

Emotions take me by surprise – I seem to experience so many different feelings at once. The underlying feeling is joy. Joy at the love that’s come into my life and seems to grow with each passing day...

Still I have fears as well. Fear that I won’t pass muster, fear that I wont’ be enough, fears that we will slowly evolve into something unrecognizable that neither one of us will want any longer, fear that we will stop being as in love as we are...

He tells me differently…he assures me, reassures me. Sometimes it works, sometimes I think he is full of shit – NOT HIM – per se – just how can we guarantee anything? The answer is we can’t – I suppose it’s all kismet/fate, metered out and when you’ve had your fair share of ‘good things’ the bad things come around – this may sound like negative thinking, but in reality that’s how things seem to play out for me. However, I will say that for the most part I’ve had my share of shittiness in my life and it’s about time I had some good stuff instead.

And this is good, very good indeed...

As time goes by in this relationship – I am also ‘warming up’ – a feeling of being more comfortable – acting more like myself – not that I’ve not been ‘being myself’ before this – but I am less worried about making a good impression or afraid to ‘speak up’ when things bother me – I am more willing to show anger or to get ‘bitchy’ – again not that I like getting that way or am out of control (LOL I suppose if you ask other people they may very well disagree and say I am a total bitch – which is fine). The bottom line here is that I think we are both becoming more free within our relationship and learning more each day about each other. Not that learning each other’s hot buttons gives you carte blanche to ‘push them’ – there’s an amount of respect involved here and from what I can tell we are going to remain this way with each other – I believe that because of all that BOTH of us have been involved with in our past, past hurts, disappointments, failed marriages – that it’s very important to both of us that we stay communicative and sensitive to each other’s needs, making this a very healthy (and happy) relationship.

********

This weekend was amazing – we did not get off to the best start. Only because I was assuming we’d spend St. Valentine’s Day together (well the weekend) but he was making plans to go out of town (he of course wanted to include me - but I could not go with him), and I suppose that was wrong of me – I am not usually a patsy for such bullshit – but I look at things like this is our ‘first’ Valentine’s Day together, etc. So I was kind of disappointed and it showed….I didn’t mean to get upset but I did – I guess it meant more to me than I thought it would. I felt badly reacting the way I did – but we worked it out and that’s just it we *DO* work it out. It amazes me...

The next day was J’s b-day party and the ex was coming over – there was the potential for an uncomfortable situation but it went very well between us. His ex even congratulated me on our engagement – we hugged one another – it was a nice moment and I think (hoping here with fingers crossed) everything will be alright between us – she’s a good person and I actually like her. We were even joking about comparing notes (sorry love), and going out for a drink together sometime...

Saturday evening was the Gala – black-tie affair and we got a gussied up and went to the party. I felt like the luckiest woman on earth with him at my side ( I AM the luckiest woman on the planet!). My colleagues were so kind and gracious and even spoke highly of me (note to self: must pay them off for this...). We had a ball – no pun intended. It was a lovely evening.

We went home watched a movie: ‘The Wedding Date’



...and romanced each other. <*sighs*>

Woke up the next day, lazed in bed – much longer than we would normally – for a good reason <*blushes*>, and then got up – began to do household chores.

At one point Erin answered the door to some Jehovah’s witnesses and actually had done research on the information they had left the previous week. He talked to these guys for like 2 hours – I sat and listened for a while and was amazed (as usual) with Erin and his obvious grasp of the King James version of the bible – he really gave the men a ‘run for their money’ about their own views and differing bible passage translation (Erin asked them if they had read the Greek – Erin apparently has…good lord – no pun intended). Just astounding.

This whole exchange between them led to a very deep conversation between us about our respective beliefs – again the amount of mutual respect between us grows with each passing day and every conversation. We then went shoppng for food for our ‘week’ together and came home to make dinner and then watched another movie:

‘A Scanner Darkly’



Phillip K. Dick’s futuristic (um...OK) movie – it was good – bizarre, disturbing...would normally lead me to bad dreams...(it didn’t though).

We went to bed again...loving each other...again.

I am so in love with this man it’s almost verging on insanity, but then I suppose love makes you insane...

Yes, I am crazy about him.

I love you Mr. E.

^_^

What NOT to buy for V-day

What NOT to buy for V-Day

Courtesy of Amazon.com (and C2 of course)

<*winks*>

What's wrong with this picture?

...or music video as the case may be...

I was sitting downstairs eating something so I could eat Motrin for my back (ugh! I am in so much fucking pain...)

I was watching VH1 classics (don't ask my son must have had it on). Apparently it was 'vote for your fav music video of all time - well perhaps it was due to the time of day this was running or some shift in the magnetic pull of the planets but the one that made #1 was NIN's 'Closer'

*blink* *blink*

Um..OK....

First of all how the fuck can it be voted #1 on of all stations VH1 when they censor the song - I mean the biggest lyric in the song is cut out. Secondly, it's Trent Reznor for fuckssakes (LOL yep can you tell I am in a pissy mood - sorry for all the profanity kids - wait...why am *I* apologising on my OWN blog...) - yeah Trent your career is so over - you must be spinning in your grave....(sorry I just had to go there)...

Geez.

"...more precious than rubies..."

Nothing compares to the feelings I feel toward Erin – with the exception (possibly) of the love I feel for my own children...

To me that in and of itself is a huge revelation. I can not truly say that I’ve loved anyone nearly as much as I love him – and I’ve tried to find comparisons in my life to this – to these feelings – there seem to be none that I can think of. And it’s not that I did not love my last husbands – it just that there is so much more to this love. Even when we have problems or disagreements, because of the way we handle things my respect for him is off the charts – I admire this man – as I’ve said he’s honorable and I hate to say this but in this day and age finding a man who is like this is rare – and it makes me love him all the more – if that’s possible...

I get a little infuriated with some of the conversations I have regarding my getting married - today for instance the nurse I worked with began asking me why I won’t just move in with him.

I told her my reasons – mainly they revolve around the fact that in the past I DID just move in with my lovers and it always ended in failure. This also has to do with the kids – he/we are trying to raise them Catholic and the ‘right thing to do’ is to be married. Sure it’s hard – it’s hard to be apart – but we are both on the same page here.

The nurse did not seem to want to take this for an answer – she asked me what the difference was between me spending the weekend and me being there full time – I patiently explained that a weekend consists of only 2 days while ‘all the time’ is well...’all the time’.

She then indicated that it’s just as bad concerning the morality issue if the kids see me there one weekend VS seeing me there all the time. Further, how can I know it will work out if I am not there 24/7 – being there ‘during the good times only’ does not help me to know if this is going to work and don’t I want to know in advance if this is going to work?

GRRRRRR

So what? I am suppose to leave my son, move into Erin’s house without the benefit of marriage and just shack up to make sure this is going to work?

Sure in a way she is right about the kids seeing me there one weekend vs seeing me there all the time – if we are trying to make sure the kids learn that you are only suppose to live together with the benefit of marriage then yeah I suppose we are ‘living in sin’ – so on that she wins…still I think me being there sometimes vs all the time without being married is wrong.


What really irks me about this nurse is that she is one of the most intolerant and judgmental people I have ever met – you’d think she’d get the bit about me not wanting to ‘shack up’ with Erin….

I do so hate defending my choices – it kind of drives me nuts….

As far as me ‘knowing in advance’ if this is going to work out – what a ‘trial run’? How can anyone ever really know? It’s like knowing if you are ready to have a child, you are never going to be truly ready to have a kid – the only way to know is to have the child – no amount of babysitting or anything else is going to prepare you. Likewise the only way I am going to know what it’s like to live with Erin and his kids is when I do it – but I am not going to compromise my integrity and his situation by moving in now. I’ve seen him at some of his worst moments. I’ve seen him struggle with the kids. Do I think it’s important for the kids to get ‘used to me’ you bet – but we ARE doing that now – that does not mean it’s good or wise for us to force me on the kids full time just yet. There has to be an adjustment period.

Quite frankly – I don’t know how to put this but I KNOW it’s going to be OK – I KNOW in my heart of hearts we ARE going to work out – don’t ask me how I know this – but it’s a gut feeling sort of thing – and now that I’ve typed it out here it becomes even more ‘real’...and I feel giddy with it...

"The devil's on his way..."

(Now listening to: Stevie Wonder: 'Very Superstitious')

I am draggin’ ass today...

Tired – Erin and I got no sleep last night – don’t even go there – I wish it was what you are thinking...instead, we were both in so much pain we just tossed and turned dozing in between bouts with our pain…

GRRRRRRR

Can’t get what I had planned on doing done here today cause the new release for our computer program has not BEEN release yet so all the work I NEED to do has to be put aside.

GRRRRRRR

I am famished – so I ate too much…

GRRRRRR

Need to work out and my back hurts so badly I am scare TO work out...

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Trying to sort through some feelings and come to terms with the ‘reality’ of getting married to someone and ALL that that entails...including but not limited to shit I don’t even want to begin thinking of dealing with...

(Bad, bad Colette – kind of like 'Naughty, naughty Zeut' only different)

<*smirks*>

Off to find some chocolate...


<*sighs*>

Life

TO DO LIST:

Tonight:
Do bills
Have Mr. C – over for dinner
Finish laundry


Tomorrow (Thursday):
Go get J-man’s b-day gift
Maybe a manicure?
Maybe go and do a little sneak preview gown shopping before I go with Erin

Friday:
Go gown shopping
(including: finding some nice undergarments to wear and nice hosiery)

Saturday:
J-man’s b-day party
Kidney Foundation Gala

Rest of weekend:
Relax

Eternal Embrace

Eternal Embrace

Wow...this stuff just fascinates me.

Irritation...

You know....

I am sick of people...I've just about had it up to here....

The sniping, the negativity, the cattiness, the arrogance, the manipulations, the all-around bullshit.

It's getting old, real old....

Comments/Conversation from/with 'that' guy at Au Bon Pain this morning while I was trying to get my coffee:

Him: Morning
Me: Morning - how are you?
Him: Same shit, different smell
Me: *laughter*
Him: You look positively radiant since you've been getting sex on a regular basis
Me <*blink* *blink*>

I just glared at him and walked away - I know some of the customers heard this and I know I was like 3 different shades of red...

WTF???

Women acting catty - like their crap isn't as 'wrong' somehow as men's crap...being sneaky and back-stabbing...hate it - absolutely hate that behaviour...

I am in excruciating pain (my back)...I mean it's so bad I want to die - for real - I have no idea how I am suppose to go to a Gala event this Saturday in this kind of pain and walk in heels...

Conversations that leave me feeling out of sorts, defensive (to some degree), upset...not knowing what to do or say...

Have I told you how much I hate money. Despise it - despise what it does to people. It would be just heaven if all money was made worthless and the playing field was leveled just for one solid week... OR if EVERYONE became homeless in the bitter cold for one day...to me that would be great...lots of lessons to be learned...

OK I guess I am now off to eat Motrin like candy.

Yeah...have a nice day...

Ice

'ICE'

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten

Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...

I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here...

I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that's your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent's tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...


'Ice' -- Sarah McLaughlin

Spirits dance

I walk through the landscape in my mind…it becomes a stroll through memories, past, present, and future...

...always he is there...waiting for me, beckoning...

And we connect yet again...never missing a step…as if we had never been apart…and where we meet, our spirits intersect...there is beauty, there is joy, there is some melancholy as well...

I realise that he never left...that we have always shared...that we always will...that we will meet again in the next lifetime..and, remember again...lifetime after lifetime.

There is no hiding from this, there never was...we just drifted like snows, like sands shifting in the desert...yet, like the snow melting that returns to the earth, like the sands that shift but remain part of the whole terrain forever – we never really leave each other…we remain tied to one another...through life, through other lovers, through lifetimes past, present and future...

Always...

Sweetness and severed fingers...

Yeah...so sue me, weird title for a post but hey, it's before bedtime, I am up, tired, but too wired to sleep and nervous as hell - more on that in a minute...so I am bloggin' folks - watch yourselves, that first step is a doozie....

Finishing up relating my experiences from this weekend as it comes to an end.

Right before I left Erin's he had us sign one of the floor boards under the bathroom tile he is just finishing up. He wrote his name, I wrote mine then he wrote the year (2007 for the calender impaired) and he drew a big heart around it - kind of like carving our initials in a tree only different. He is such a sentimentalist and so romantic - he makes my heart sing (like 'Wild Thing' only... OK I will stop now..)

I went home began to clean and do laundry - I guess it's kind of like I am torn between two homes here...

So I go to get Chinese food and I was waiting for my shrimp with broccoli when I noticed the 'vending' game machine in their lobby - it was one of those 'claw' machines and there were dismembered rubber fingers....um....ewwww. It was disturbing on so many levels and every single one of the friggin' things was pointing up...um....ewwww....

I kept trying to read the 'Family' Zine while waiting and like a car accident my eyes kept getting drawn back to the fingers in the 'game' - silently swearing to myself if I got home and one of the shrimp was a finger...there'd be hell to pay.

*smirks*

Went home, ate, did dishes, started laundry...finally went over to my land-lord's to watch (*gasp*) the Superbowl game. Interesting and dare I even say exciting game...nice. Go Colts! And the half-time show...OK look I am just gonna come out and say it - (and please I don't even want to hear it from ANY of you out there - I happen to really like Prince (and not a comment about THAT either))...

What the hell was with the 'Aunt Jemima' look???????

Sorry...

Moving right along. Came home - I am in horrible pain (in my sacral area - don't know why...)

Tonight Erin called to let me know he told the kids...

So there you have it - this is why I am a nervous wreck. Erin's daughter took it well; his son is probably trying to wrap his brain around things...I am not worried about his daughter I AM worried about his son and hoping that any fears he may have we can ease for him.

I am always trying to be as careful and as cognizant of his kids and their feelings and how this impacts them as I can. Still there's a balance to be held because I love Erin as well and we have to nurture that love - not at the cost of the kids in any way - if I felt this was wrong for them, then, no matter how much I loved Erin I'd take my leave. So I am praying things will be OK for all of us...my son included.

So yeah...a bit scared, a bit jittery - and in a lot of physical pain - not a good combo - hopefully I will sleep tonight.

Bonne Soir mes amis
Fais de beaux rêves. (Have sweet dreams)

Villanous Company

Villanous Company

...a suggested blog from Country Squire

Cassandra is also the mistress of the Blog of the Week here on DOCG

"In my life...I love you more.."

Because there is no other way to say it.

I am so in love.

Recap of weekend:

Surprisingly, Erin wanted to see me and hang with me on Friday - this in and of itself is not weird - but when he has the kids we don't see each other as often.

We were going to try to be together to celebrate Imbolc/Candlemas - it was more of an evening spent together as a family.

It got to be late and he wanted me to stay - this prompted a 'discussion' and both of us came to the realization that we are struggling with being apart. We talked about when it was right to tell the kids - the problem here is that all of our friends KNOW - his friends, my friends, his church friends and those are the people that not meaning to, might 'slip up' and tell his kids. I pointed this out to him - we talked deeply (you know it's exhausting I think at times talking this way with each other), and he told me he feels that it's time to tell them (you have no idea how that made me feel)....he told me it was OK to spend the night and be there in the morning WITH the kids aware - in the past we did not do this - I left. But I now feel 'cheap' doing that - I'd rather not even stay.

We spent the day together all day on Saturday (the highlight of this day was at the end of the evening when we played 'Heroscape' with his son - cool game! Excellent - I can't believe how much I enjoyed playing) - for the most part, the time we all spent together was good but then Erin and I hit a rough patch because of something I noticed which made me question him in terms of how some of his actions might be perceived by another person - this was difficult and I really hurt him and I feel horrible for doing that - but it was also (to me) necessary to let him know how I was feeling and my concerns.

Again we struggled with me spending yet another night...this is just hard on us both. Being apart from each other when we so much want to be together. It's not that I want to or even CAN move in right now - but not waking up to him, not being in his arms at night as I fall asleep - it's so difficult...

The kids are of the utmost importance to us both - and yes there's going to have to be an adjustment period - but how do you know when it's the best time to let two pre-teens know that pretty soon they are going to have a step-mom. I don't think there's ever a good/right time - I think you have to eventually sit down and have the talk. It's hard but then it's going to be hard. So Erin is going to tell them sometime in the next day or so and we shall see.

We have both been worried about the impact of this news - but recent comments by his daughter (this morning Erin asked her 'K - what should we do with C - ?' Her answer: 'Marry her!' WOW) - and how his son acts towards me, leads us to believe everything will be OK. In the end the real test will be when I move in - that's when truly all of this will 'gel' or not as the case may be - I have faith it will all be OK. I know this love is meant to be and I know how much I want this to work and how much he does as well - how much he loves me, respects me (it's mutual between us), how much he wants me by his side (Goddess could I be this lucky?)....it's all - even WITH all the doubts and all the crap I put him through - the most amazing relationship I have ever had in my ENTIRE life - it really is...


So we shall see what happens - more people congratulated us in church today and this all feels so right, so peaceful. We all 'fit together' as a family (no, this does not mean I am going to just 'dump my own' family and that any of them are being replaced - it's just that this is going to be my new life now and I have to make a concerted effort to be an active member and participate WITH Erin and his children - my own children will understand - my son may struggle and that's going to be hard - but he is almost a man himself and he needs to try to adjust to this as well)

For now, I am praying that this works out - that we end up 'happily ever after'...hopefully that will be the case and the faerie tale will become the reality.

Torture devices...

...for the fairer sex.

Today I had my yearly mammo. This has got to be one of the most painful things women have to go through - next to child birth - and whomever invented these fucking machines had to be related to Sade....

OUCH!


....and now the waiting begins...scary...

(Please ladies - make sure you are getting these done yearly if it's time for you to begin doing that...no matter how much it hurts....)

*SIGHS*

I am getting kind of tired of these 'mixed feelings' of feeling like I can't count on the people around me...

Of being disappointed...feeling let down...

You begin to wonder if it's all in your head...

WTF?

Wedding dresses

(Erin, cover your eyes...)

So guys...what do you think about something like this?

There's soemthing about this type of gown that I find so beautiful and unusual.

NPR: Ancient Village Lifts Some of Stonehenge's Mystery

Ancient Village Lifts Some of Stonehenge's Mystery

Happy Candlemas

Happy Candlemas

Two feasts for the price of one...

<*smiles*>

Blessed Imbolc

Blessed Imbolc

Most of you would know this as Groudnhog's day.

Regardless, spring is right around the corner.

Blessings to you all

Colette

Out of the blue...

A friend came back into my life....

It feels good - I guess you don't realise how much you miss someone until they are gone and then suddenly return...