More than meets the eye...

Tug-of-war in the shape of emotions…just trying to sort them all through.

My stuff is still over and my old house (yes I blame myself mostly for this – but it’s also due to circumstances and how I am feeling about ‘invading’ Erin’s house…sure this is also on me – I don’t mean to imply he’s not be more than welcoming…)

There’s an adjustment involved here…getting married shifted things and it’s not that it changed how I feel about my love – it’s just the ‘idea’ of being married and adjusting to life as Mrs. G~.

Everything is about adjustment, change, balancing the change and not letting it interfere with equilibrium…how do we do that.

I suddenly – overnight it would seem, have become a 'step-mom' – something that there was no ‘primer’ for - other than just hanging out with the kids prior. There’s no preparing you for that responsibility when it hits you full force…

There’s the feeling that I almost became too close for my own comfort level and perhaps the best thing to do is pull back a bit and regroup...defining my boundaries, respecting theirs, as if we are all countries to be invaded or occupied...or wave a white flag to in hopes of a lasting peace.

Too complex you say? Ya think? It IS complex, delicate, and more than anything I want to be cognizant and aware - while at the same time, trying not to want to run for my life out of sheer fear that I might very well fuck everything up (again – you know...the way I ALWAYS do…)

Jesus help me…

It all began with a poptart...

...and it's gone downhill since...

The new job sucks - seriously sucks. My diet is a mess....I am not eating right - not exercising enough - but that's going to change damn it.

I feel awful in so many ways about so many things right now - but who the fuck is counting. I am angry about things as well and trying to shove the anger so far down inside of me that I feel numb at this point - I can't tell you how badly I want to just explode.

I have things to write about but I am almost too angry, even worse, too apathetic. I want to crawl into bed and sleep this off like it's some kind of hangover. I feel despairing - almost to the point of surrender - but I just can't do it. I want to start this year over already and it's barely begun....

Because sometimes silence is deafening....and someitmes I talk too friggin' much

The Sound Of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains
within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone
‘neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
that split the night and touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening.
People writing songs that voices never shared,
no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not know, silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made
and the sign flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming.
And the sign said "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
and tenement halls and whispered in the sound of silence."

-- Simon & Garfunkle 'The Sound of Silence'

SNAFU/Or: The Danger of white picket fences

I am not sure I should even be writing – I have such a headache this morning.

Not sure if it’s from sinuses, lack of sleep, change of time...etc.

The sunrise this morning was gorgeous and I called my love to share with him.

The weekend (the beginning at least) was glorious. Erin decided suddenly he wanted to go to Columbus. So we headed down Friday night and he took me to a bed & breakfast (Harrison House) – it was wonderful.

We ‘checked in’ and then went and wandered High Street. We ended up at Victorian’s Midnight Café listening to some music – it was a place where locals hang out and do sort of impromptu performances. Fun. We headed back to the B&B and had a very romantic time in our room complete with white rose petals.

The next day we were up early which in and of itself is not a bad thing but we had not gone to bed before 2AM, so I was exhausted. Breakfast was excellent and our hostess was very nice. We checked out to go explore Short North in Columbus (again – this is becoming one of our haunts). Erin took me to the ‘Market’ down there – like our West Side Market here in Cleveland but better.

We wandered around to other places as well – mainly just walking hand-in-hand, being in love, following our fancies...

We headed home late afternoon – after a near-ditch experience trying to find some non-existent place to shop…

Hit an outlet mall on the way home and then headed home – I think both of us were exhausted.

Sunday we went back to normal. He got up to go teach, I woke up and sat down and wrote:

Sunday morning – sitting…

Getting ready to do asana (except I drank some Turkish coffee, which I now will regret doing all day) (maybe I should skip Surya Namaskar).

…and it hits me.

Looking out the picture window at all the driveways, all the Sunday papers waiting for their owners to collect them.

The ‘normalcy; of this place, the ‘suburbia’, the ‘Donna-Reedness’, the inane/insane sanity, the “Hey honey, let’s invite Clint & Chloe over for cocktails & casserole & maybe afterwards we’ll swap out wives for a bit…”

Ugh!

I really don’t think I can fit into this ‘white-picket fence’ mode/scenario/lifestyle…I never have...

********

From there things just got worse.

I am not sure what to think at times. What to do with my doubts. What to do with my feelings. How to sort them into some sense of sense. How to relax. How to not get upset with the things that happen that set me off. How to put certain people in their places. How to get Erin to truly understand where I am coming from without being a bitch or angry….

I feel like an idiot half the time. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel displaced. I feel like an outsider, looking in...wishing at times I could just push the ‘re-start button’...