Memories...like the corners of my mind...

Cliche I know....

This month is the anniversary of my blog...I have been writing and reflecting on life, love and everything in between for 5 whole years.

In that time period, I have fallen apart, regrouped, fell in love, gotten married, gone over to the place of my ancestors' births, become a new step-mom and had to rebuild my career....

I am wondering if this blog should continue at all - I know I have said this time and time again but 5 years is a long time to do something and I am not sure this forum is serving the purpose it used to serve.

Our lives are busy, full, to the point of having too much on our plates...we try to remember to do the important things and, perhaps we succeed but often we fall short, disappointing not just our loved ones but ourselves...

My life is very full indeed, and I feel I am on the verge of entering a new phase of that life; one that includes more service to the community and in my job. I feel that my life is coming around again and I am not sure other that doing the 'update thing' that I have a lot to write about. I have a man in my life whose talent is indisputable and perhaps between the two of us he will be published in print.

I still have storms raging inside of me - emotions that ebb and flow, fears, out-and-out terror at times, great joy, hope, faith, love, charity - all those things that go to make up a life...but it feels more private these days...less lending itself to shouting from the rooftops, drawing attention to myself - as if I've outgrown something - as if I should leave the playthings of childhood behind and strive for something more noble....

It's hard to be honest with yourself at times...

I have many people I want to thank: My namesake Colette, my other influences (Anais Nin, Margaret Atwood, Amy Tan, David Sedaris, and all my fav authors), But mainly, I wish to acknowledge my fellow bloggers (and I apologise if I have left you out - it's unintentional - I truly mean to thank everyone that has come along with me and watched my path unfold): my ex Mr. Helton (Dorkland), who, despite the pain you caused us both with your own pain (for which I am sure you have paid a high price), showed me this world, Linda (Auterrific), Tribe (hey darlin' where'd your blog go?), Salman (...see...blink...capture..remember, and ...whispers...), Jeff (Have Coffee Will Write), George Nemeth (NEO blog), Tish (Love and Hope, Sex and Dreams), Suzanne (Easy Bake Coven and all the women at Blog Sisters), Terry (I see Invisible People), Mac (Post Human Blues), The girls at Every Woman is a Goddess, and of course my personal friends and fellow writers/bloggers: Mr. C - Dark Clarity, Liam - Liam's Odd Musings, Ken (actual published author) - Spooked, My brother - who really needs to go back to writing, My step-brother, Don - Country Squire, and of course the man who has become my best friend, Erin (ohiorenaissance on live journal)...to all of you I owe a debt of gratitude, love and friendship - thank you all very much.

I don't know - I may just 'step back' here and regroup too - revamp things...try my hand at some actual writing - but perhaps like I when I gave up TV and never missed it - blogging just to blog about the day-to-day mundanery will also be a thing of the past...I am just hoping that there perhaps is more to blogging than just a 'twitter' - sorry did I just say that? (LOL) I mean who has time to read anymore anyway?

Je t'aime mes amis, A bientot, j'espere

Colette

Reverberations...

Before I talk about what happened last night I’d like to say something – only because I need to unload a bit – at one time this actually mattered to me...

You know...

I guess I just will never understand – how you could have ever possibly wanted me to stay ‘inside a box’ for you – or for any reason for that matter – I thought you knew me – I thought you realized I wasn’t a typical woman or an ‘ordinary’ person, and in some ways it hurts me that you expected me to be so.

No matter. I refuse to fit into your preconceived ‘idea’ of where my beliefs should lie – the fact that I am independent and a free thinker should be enough – if not well...too bad I suppose. Your loss.

I am just surprised that someone who claims to be so intelligent could all of a sudden turn into such an ‘inside the box’ thinker.

**************

Last night in order to rid ourselves of the negative energy that has been permeating lately, Erin and I performed some minor ‘rituals’.

One of them was to burn some letters/e-mails from the negative people in our lives – it felt really good doing that. Like our own reverse voodoo dolls in effigy. The one letter died a screaming, hissing, sputtering death – LOL – much like its author –lots of noise – no substance...

So now to move forward with a fresh outlook and let go of the past...

I’ve learned it’s important to not let the reverberations of other people’s negativity take over your life – they won’t win – but I do wish them peace, as I release them from my life, my imagination, and even my heart.

"Just because I'm talking - doesn't mean we're friends"

OK – you don’t deserve my time nor my consideration but here goes

I could take a poll but I am going to let the facts speak for themselves.

You ARE harassing someone when:

They have told you to stop writing to them and yet you continue to do so

I consider the word writing to include and not be limited to:

Email and putting stuff on my blog – both of which you did AFTER I told you to cease and desist – do you know what the term 'cease and desist' means? Do you need someone to buy you a dictionary?

#2 You ARE harassing someone when:

You write unsolicited letters to THEIR family members and THEIR FUCKING EX HUSBANDS (?!?!?!?!?!?!?) to give those people AGAIN your unsolicited opinion...

For the record no one and I mean NO ONE gives a flying fuck about your opinion of MY fiancé...LOL – LEAST of all my ex husband who thinks you are nuts, BTW – as does everyone else I have mentioned this to. Where do you get off? What gives you the right to do this? Who the hell asked you for your opinion? Um no one – there’s an old saying: When I want your opinion, I’LL ASK YOU FOR IT – I don’t recall asking...

Even if I AM making a mistake with my love life, it is NONE of your business – even my friends don’t say things unless *I* ask them and I DO ask my friends – but they are my close friends, my family. Even still – if again I AM making a mistake since I am a BIG girl isn’t the onus of the responsibility on me to figure out my life? I have been through hell and back – it’s my problem - so if indded *I* choose to visit that again it’s on me. I will deal with it.

You have been vicious to my fiancé – did you not expect me to go to his defense? You called him names in front of a group of people all because he disagreed with you AND had the balls to say so. He never got vicious back with you. You called me a stupid bitch, you told me that you would be laughing when my relationship fell apart. Yet to my daughter, to my ex husband you claim you and I were close – that we were friends – well my friends don’t call me names. They don’t wish ill on me like that – with friends like that – who the hell needs enemies?

Were you and I close? At one time – sure we were – sure I asked you about moving to Ohio – I believe that was because you were having a hard time getting work where you live – gee I am wondering if that could have something to do with your constantly being on the internet, harassing people on their blogs, and causing problems all around – do you have a life? I see no evidence of one.

I got vicious my dear because you got vicious with me, with the man I love. I got vicious because you seemed completely out of line in your attacks (not to mention, pardon me, but a bit obsessive and jealous). As my ex husband said to me (oh yeah did you think these people would not contact me about your writing to them? Just how stupid are you?) – who the hell writes such things – like about your not being romantically interested in me cause you were too young – need I remind you of what you wrote and continually said to me about wanting to fuck me? Um yeah OK – it was a one way street if I recall my dear and it was ALL on your end – in fact if I remember correctly I told YOU that YOU were too young for me – you need to seriously grow up.

Now, I have better things to do with my time – (and unless something further happens (which I am going to trust is NOT going to be the case) this will be the last time I address this matter, at least publically.) And, I suggest you find something better to do with your time.

Good luck to you.

In a state of disbelief...

OK – only two people out there are going to get what I am writing here – the rest of you – go read something else.

This is an open response to a lunatic. And it’s not going to be very ‘Christian’, compassionate, or kind, so in advance I’d like to apologise mainly to my daughter (I love you Rissa – but I have to do this)

********

Dear Sir,

Go to fucking hell – but then you probably don’t believe in hell.

How dare you rant at me about my relationship.

Who do you think you are?

Why are you bothering me – why are you so intent on trying to either destroy or cast doubt upon my love? Why does it matter so much to you? I can tell you my own personal take on this, and it is because I rebuffed your sexual advances – which, when you found out I was in a serious relationship (not to mention engaged), should have ended immediately. There is nothing wrong with flirting but e-mailing me to ask me to mail you a pair of my panties so you could use them as a rag to catch your cum was not only out of line but totally reprehensible. You claim I was asking you to be 'transparent' with me - I would never in a million years request that sort of 'transparency' from ANYONE in any way, shape or form - not even one of my lovers - you are using that as an excuse to delude yourself into some sort of twisted thinking that I even wanted such advances from you. You sir, are an ass.

You have never met either one of us – you do not truly know us – the only way you know me is from reading this thing we call a blog – you have never met me, you have never been in the same room with me. Nor have you met my love or been in the same room as him. YOU DON’T KNOW US. My love may disagree with me (he does on this) but I don’t think it’s possible to truly know anyone without meeting them face to face because the eyes are the light of the soul.

Your soul, sir is sorely lacking in such a manner. And I am sorry to say this…for I suppose in essence and to be equally fair to you, I don’t truly know you – but I do know by the totally uncalled-for hate you’ve been spewing and your constant attacks, that this is the case - for someone with compassion in their soul would not act in such a vicious manner unless they themselves had an agenda.

We ALL have agendas. We all fall short. You seem to imply that I am falling a victim of someone’s agenda – are you including yourself in that assessment? You claim to be a friend and you claim that I am making a huge mistake – I have to tell you sir that I am lucky to count as my friends some of the most sane, sincere, and intelligent people I have ever known (family as well) and if they thought I was making such a huge mistake I guarantee you they love me enough to tell me, no matter how much it would hurt me in the short run and for the record, they DID speak up about my ex. Not a single one of them has told me anything of the sort about my love, and the closest thing that has come up, is a person with a similar agenda to yours on my love’s end who is acting jealous and completely out of line on her part and doing her best to cast doubts and fear – projecting that of her own need/desires/misconceptions onto our relationship – perhaps I should introduce you to one another – maybe you can form a bond, since I am guessing you don’t have a lot of true friends and that is why you have all the time in the world to do this…and the need for it as well. Apparently it pains you to see people in love and happy. Perhaps you need to get counseling over your own failed unrequited love that has seemingly caused you to go insane.

Does my love have faults – you fucking bet he does! Do I? Even moreso – never would I think otherwise – does that make me wrong or blind for loving him? Wrong? I don’t think so. Love is blind? Perhaps. Let me share an old quote with you (doubt you will be wise enough to pick up on this but here goes):

“Love is not blind, it sees more, not less, but because it sees more, it’s willing to see less.”

Put that in your ‘opium pipe of the masses’ and smoke it. (Sorry I had to go there)…yeah I AM brilliant so go fuck yourself.

As far as your charge that I can not think for myself and that I am so desperate to have a man in my life that I would put up with just about 'anything' because I am vulnerable and weak; that I am allowing him to manipulate me due to my low self-esteem - once again GO FUCK YOURSELF! The only way you 'know' me is by this blog and some e-mails back and forth - this blog is a chronicle of my pain and is nearly one-dimensional - if I did not have balls, or guts, or fortitude I'd have never had the backbone or courage to leave my ex - I would have just rolled over and played dead. You can ask anyone of my friends OR my family about my spine - they will tell you I have one - sometimes too much of one to my own detriment. Further what the fuck could you possibly know of love? Obviously nothing, because in order to be in love you have allow yourself some measure of vulnerability - does that mean I am being a sheep for him? I don't think so my dear - no one has that much control over me. Nor is my self-esteem so lacking as to take up with just any old jerk - which is why I kept telling you no - obviously my standards were simply too high to be with someone as jaded and as lacking in character as you.

You have been totally out of control ever since my love began to challenge you on something you fancy yourself to be an expert on – YOUR PERSONAL take on Christianity – and it is nothing more than opinion and conjecture. You can’t stand it when someone challenges you in a debate? Well then I suggest you find a mirror and debate yourself. You claim people in the ‘group’ mailed you their responses in private? Produce the proof of that cause I think you are lying. I know for a fact that others in this so-called group of yours have e-mailed my love complaining about you and your spewing constantly – not only have you been without regard for anyone’s beliefs in God but you have been on some one-man, misdirected crusade to deconstruct Christianity/Religion again based solely on nothing more than your opinion – you who were at one time studying religion but then by your own admission ‘dropped out’ – so it is you we are to believe and not someone with the balls and courage and discipline to have completed their degrees? Please. Say what you will about my love – at least he finishes his tasks AND his education.

I am tired of defending the character of someone who, in my estimation needs no defense to someone the likes of you whom I find to be selfish, rude, inconsiderate, debased, immoral, and a self-righteous know-it-all.

I have nothing more to say on this matter – you may consider this MY message of closure to you - I am asking you PUBLICLY and nicely to leave me alone - hopefully some of your brain still retains the sense to listen to such a request.