For Erin
(Sorry sweetheart, I couldn't resist....)
posted by Colette at 11:58 AM
3 comments
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Nervous...
...just a little. Nothing to do with All Hallow’s Eve...
Nervous because I am going to get to participate in a ‘family’ ritual with Erin and his children – I get to go with them for trick-or-treat.
I am going to be dressed as a serving wench – I wanted something more imaginative but alas it did not work out this way – however his son is going as a noble man from the Renaissance, his daughter will be a princess and I believe Erin will be a monk – therefore I suppose it fits in with the ‘theme’.
So I must away quickly from work, go home – curl my hair, put on makeup, and find appropriate accoutrements for the servant/wenches costume. Thank goodness I purchased a cape to wear. I did not really like this costume a lot but hopefully it will be OK.
I have not gone trick or treating with kids in a very long time. Looking forward to this.
Nervous because I am going to get to participate in a ‘family’ ritual with Erin and his children – I get to go with them for trick-or-treat.
I am going to be dressed as a serving wench – I wanted something more imaginative but alas it did not work out this way – however his son is going as a noble man from the Renaissance, his daughter will be a princess and I believe Erin will be a monk – therefore I suppose it fits in with the ‘theme’.
So I must away quickly from work, go home – curl my hair, put on makeup, and find appropriate accoutrements for the servant/wenches costume. Thank goodness I purchased a cape to wear. I did not really like this costume a lot but hopefully it will be OK.
I have not gone trick or treating with kids in a very long time. Looking forward to this.
posted by Colette at 8:31 AM
0 comments
Befitting....
The Raven
By: Edgar Allen Poe
[First published in 1845]
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!
[First published in 1845]
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!
posted by Colette at 8:22 AM
0 comments
Monday, October 30, 2006
Bare Naked Ladies
Because they rock. The band did too….love those boys from Canada.
This past week has been spent with Erin. I am once again back with my head in the clouds….mainly because again I am somewhat amazed by the way we get along – spending time together, working together, playing together, loving on another. If this is any indication of how life would be with him I am going to be a very content and happy woman. We stay true to ourselves and seem to be able to relax with one another. We are still learning about each other. I know technically it’s still early in this relationship – but instead of pulling apart or drifting away from each other, we seem to be growing closer, in some ways it’s frightening.
Friday night we went and shopped a bit. – he had to replace his cell phone and wanted one that did not have all the bells and whistles per se (you know no Swiss army knife attachments, no microwave to cook your dinner)…I dragged him to the mall to find a corset for me (yeah I had to put that in there – we all know how things are these days. (LOL)). Back then to his place to relax and well…um..er…’play’ together *blushes furiously* .
Saturday for once we did not have to get up early – we did however *blushes even more furiously* (I got one word here ‘AMAZING’)…
After that we worked on his ‘storage’ room in the basement I helped him get things organized and again I want to mention how well we seem to be able to work together – not to mention be able to not get in each other’s way or irritate each other…perhaps with time this will change but I don’t think so…
I went home to clean and do laundry (seems to be a theme when I go home these days). He went to watch his son play indoor soccer. We met back up at this place in order to go to a concert to see the Bare Naked Ladies (this was thanks to Sid who offered us the tickets he won and was kind enough to offer to Erin and myself). The concert as great. Mike Doughty and his band were the opening act and then one of my favourite bands took the stage. Bare Naked Ladies are wonderfully refreshing, incredibly intelligent and wonderfully humourous – you can take your kids to their shows and yet have a blast yourself – there are a thinking person’s band and they were tight, As usual, lead singer, Steve’s voice was incredible, soaring out over the crowd, giving me chills. It was a sing-a-long sort of concert, all that was lacking was a campfire.
After the concert, we went to Erich’s for his Halloween (no costume) party. It was nice, quiet – but good to see everyone. Unfortunately we missed seeing my evil twin, C2 – hopefully, Erin will get to meet her soon…
We headed home – Erin has to teach PSR class on Sundays. We got home to find that his cat, ‘Princess’ having a gaping wound in her back that seemed to appeared out of nowhere. We spent some time looking around the house to see if we could find out how she had hurt herself but could not find anything out of place or toppled over….in the end he found a 24HR emergency vet to take her to and we boxed her up and headed to the vet – it was like 2AM when we got back – of course it was 1AM cause we turned the clocks back.
The next morning, I had a chance to see him teach his PSR class. He tag-team teaches this class with a good friend, Beth – she is a doll and I had to chuckle at the fact she kept introducing me as Erin’s girlfriend – she was very sweet. The kids were a lot of fun, adorable, and it was nice to see him teach. I love this man and I love him BECAUSE of who he is – a wonderful human being in so many different ways.
*sigh of happiness*
We went to lunch afterwards and spent time talking - I’ve never wanted to talk to anyone the way I talk to Erin, and there is so much more to discuss yet to come – so many worlds to discover together….it all sounds so faerie tale:
'The time has come…
To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings …”
(so what if it DOES sound that way, get over yourselves).
I left him to do some work – went to do more stuff at my house – found a costume for Halloween (OK, so it’s going to be a bit uninspired but I did not have time to put together anything else this year, besides, going trick-or-treating with children is different than going to an adult party). Showed up later to watch a move and have popcorn for dinner (he makes incredible popcorn) and we watched the movie ‘Underworld’ (which was not a surprise in the way of content (I had heard a lot about this film but had not seen it in the theatres.) I enjoyed it mainly because I think the people were good ‘eye candy’ and IO want to grow up to be Kate Beckinsale – or at the very least have her wardrobe (cause I look good in that sort of thing).
Went to sleep – slept fitfully – I fear I am keeping him awake at times and I feel horrid about doing that – the last thing I want to do is keep him from getting his much-needed rest.
I love going to bed with him, I love knowing he is beside me, I love waking up with him. I love the feeling(s) I have when I get to spend time with him and the way he lingers with me when we are apart.
********
I have just finished reading ‘The Namesake’ – yes I’ve been busy so my reading has been a bit lesser these days – and no, it’s not ALL because of Erin thanks ever so much...
At any rate I was disappointed in the ending – neither here nor there – it’s still beautifully written. The pivotal character gets married and his marriage seems to be failing but quietly – no fireworks – just fading away…he asks himself the things he wants to ask his wife as he notices they are no longer close: “Are you happy you married me?” - I read this passage to Erin – perhaps I should not have. Is that the trap – asking ourselves these questions? Are we really responsible for each other’s happiness? (Am I my brother’s sisters/spouse’s keeper?) – I have never felt my happiness should be dependent upon another human being….in fact it never has – if it had I’d have committed suicide long ago…yes I want to make sure he IS happy with me – I write so much about all of this – how happy I am – how much I love him….and yes I DO hope he feels the same – and I am positive he does – or I am sure he’d have stopped seeing me by now. No, it’s not doubt that ‘niggles’/nests within – it’s WANTING him to be happy – I know full well he is capable enough to be happy on his own and perhaps BECAUSE I was with a person who did not love/like himself and was, for the most part, miserable – it became too annoying to me – not that I did not CARE about my ex’s happiness, but that I got tired of him wallowing constantly in his own mire/misery and felt it was HE that needed to make himself happy. I should stop rambling here – but maybe that’s what I am trying to say – maybe it’s easier to give your heart to someone, and to be fully in love with a person, and want to give as much as possible to a person who IS more positive, hopeful and loving themselves. In essence, we become each other’s mirrors...
This past week has been spent with Erin. I am once again back with my head in the clouds….mainly because again I am somewhat amazed by the way we get along – spending time together, working together, playing together, loving on another. If this is any indication of how life would be with him I am going to be a very content and happy woman. We stay true to ourselves and seem to be able to relax with one another. We are still learning about each other. I know technically it’s still early in this relationship – but instead of pulling apart or drifting away from each other, we seem to be growing closer, in some ways it’s frightening.
Friday night we went and shopped a bit. – he had to replace his cell phone and wanted one that did not have all the bells and whistles per se (you know no Swiss army knife attachments, no microwave to cook your dinner)…I dragged him to the mall to find a corset for me (yeah I had to put that in there – we all know how things are these days. (LOL)). Back then to his place to relax and well…um..er…’play’ together *blushes furiously* .
Saturday for once we did not have to get up early – we did however *blushes even more furiously* (I got one word here ‘AMAZING’)…
After that we worked on his ‘storage’ room in the basement I helped him get things organized and again I want to mention how well we seem to be able to work together – not to mention be able to not get in each other’s way or irritate each other…perhaps with time this will change but I don’t think so…
I went home to clean and do laundry (seems to be a theme when I go home these days). He went to watch his son play indoor soccer. We met back up at this place in order to go to a concert to see the Bare Naked Ladies (this was thanks to Sid who offered us the tickets he won and was kind enough to offer to Erin and myself). The concert as great. Mike Doughty and his band were the opening act and then one of my favourite bands took the stage. Bare Naked Ladies are wonderfully refreshing, incredibly intelligent and wonderfully humourous – you can take your kids to their shows and yet have a blast yourself – there are a thinking person’s band and they were tight, As usual, lead singer, Steve’s voice was incredible, soaring out over the crowd, giving me chills. It was a sing-a-long sort of concert, all that was lacking was a campfire.
After the concert, we went to Erich’s for his Halloween (no costume) party. It was nice, quiet – but good to see everyone. Unfortunately we missed seeing my evil twin, C2 – hopefully, Erin will get to meet her soon…
We headed home – Erin has to teach PSR class on Sundays. We got home to find that his cat, ‘Princess’ having a gaping wound in her back that seemed to appeared out of nowhere. We spent some time looking around the house to see if we could find out how she had hurt herself but could not find anything out of place or toppled over….in the end he found a 24HR emergency vet to take her to and we boxed her up and headed to the vet – it was like 2AM when we got back – of course it was 1AM cause we turned the clocks back.
The next morning, I had a chance to see him teach his PSR class. He tag-team teaches this class with a good friend, Beth – she is a doll and I had to chuckle at the fact she kept introducing me as Erin’s girlfriend – she was very sweet. The kids were a lot of fun, adorable, and it was nice to see him teach. I love this man and I love him BECAUSE of who he is – a wonderful human being in so many different ways.
*sigh of happiness*
We went to lunch afterwards and spent time talking - I’ve never wanted to talk to anyone the way I talk to Erin, and there is so much more to discuss yet to come – so many worlds to discover together….it all sounds so faerie tale:
'The time has come…
To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings …”
(so what if it DOES sound that way, get over yourselves).
I left him to do some work – went to do more stuff at my house – found a costume for Halloween (OK, so it’s going to be a bit uninspired but I did not have time to put together anything else this year, besides, going trick-or-treating with children is different than going to an adult party). Showed up later to watch a move and have popcorn for dinner (he makes incredible popcorn) and we watched the movie ‘Underworld’ (which was not a surprise in the way of content (I had heard a lot about this film but had not seen it in the theatres.) I enjoyed it mainly because I think the people were good ‘eye candy’ and IO want to grow up to be Kate Beckinsale – or at the very least have her wardrobe (cause I look good in that sort of thing).
Went to sleep – slept fitfully – I fear I am keeping him awake at times and I feel horrid about doing that – the last thing I want to do is keep him from getting his much-needed rest.
I love going to bed with him, I love knowing he is beside me, I love waking up with him. I love the feeling(s) I have when I get to spend time with him and the way he lingers with me when we are apart.
********
I have just finished reading ‘The Namesake’ – yes I’ve been busy so my reading has been a bit lesser these days – and no, it’s not ALL because of Erin thanks ever so much...
At any rate I was disappointed in the ending – neither here nor there – it’s still beautifully written. The pivotal character gets married and his marriage seems to be failing but quietly – no fireworks – just fading away…he asks himself the things he wants to ask his wife as he notices they are no longer close: “Are you happy you married me?” - I read this passage to Erin – perhaps I should not have. Is that the trap – asking ourselves these questions? Are we really responsible for each other’s happiness? (Am I my brother’s sisters/spouse’s keeper?) – I have never felt my happiness should be dependent upon another human being….in fact it never has – if it had I’d have committed suicide long ago…yes I want to make sure he IS happy with me – I write so much about all of this – how happy I am – how much I love him….and yes I DO hope he feels the same – and I am positive he does – or I am sure he’d have stopped seeing me by now. No, it’s not doubt that ‘niggles’/nests within – it’s WANTING him to be happy – I know full well he is capable enough to be happy on his own and perhaps BECAUSE I was with a person who did not love/like himself and was, for the most part, miserable – it became too annoying to me – not that I did not CARE about my ex’s happiness, but that I got tired of him wallowing constantly in his own mire/misery and felt it was HE that needed to make himself happy. I should stop rambling here – but maybe that’s what I am trying to say – maybe it’s easier to give your heart to someone, and to be fully in love with a person, and want to give as much as possible to a person who IS more positive, hopeful and loving themselves. In essence, we become each other’s mirrors...
posted by Colette at 12:34 PM
0 comments
NPR: My Cancer
My Cancer
I listened to this man's commentary on the way into work this morning. He really made me think about how grateful I am for all my blessings. He made me think about hope - which I now seem to have in abundance. If I could, I'd package this hope and give it away to help others.
I listened to this man's commentary on the way into work this morning. He really made me think about how grateful I am for all my blessings. He made me think about hope - which I now seem to have in abundance. If I could, I'd package this hope and give it away to help others.
posted by Colette at 7:56 AM
0 comments
Friday, October 27, 2006
More graffiti and an afternoon joke - both off colour
Last night at the spider during my 'in and outs' to the ladies room washing my hands after digging the goop out of my pumpkin - I was reading the graffiti the one that stuck with me:
"Herpes can be pasted without active lesions - A Nurse"
Next to it in big letters (after crossing out the word pasted) was written:
"The word IS passed! - An English Teacher"
The Joke:
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says: 'Hey! Where'd you get that?' The frog says: 'Brooklyn, there's hundreds of them'
*ba da dum (drum roll)*
Be here all week
*evil grin*
^_^
"Herpes can be pasted without active lesions - A Nurse"
Next to it in big letters (after crossing out the word pasted) was written:
"The word IS passed! - An English Teacher"
The Joke:
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says: 'Hey! Where'd you get that?' The frog says: 'Brooklyn, there's hundreds of them'
*ba da dum (drum roll)*
Be here all week
*evil grin*
^_^
posted by Colette at 1:54 PM
1 comments
Time...
..heals all wounds…
So goes the quote.
I have passed the ‘anniversary’ yet again of me finding out about my husband’s infidelity…shortly thereafter I began this ‘journal’ which will be 3 years old in November.
3 years.
The ‘divorce group’ I belong to sends out reminders of the anniversary of people’s ‘divorce-date’. Ouch. How odd to ‘congratulate’ someone on something so filled with sadness/anger, sometimes unresolved feelings. I am not sure I want to be reminded of that day. I remind myself anyhow - of the anger, the hurt, the tears, the shame of the failure. I don’t remember on THAT day – I remember around this time of year. Oh yeah, I got divorced the week of Thanksgiving…like an idiot I went into work after my court appearance that day.
Crying at work is no fun...
Time hasn’t healed me. *I’ve* healed *myself* with help from God/Goddess, my precious family, and friends - slowly. By this past summer, I was healed enough and had let go enough to be able to fully embrace love again. I think I may have fallen in love a couple of times BEFORE now (briefly), but nothing compares to the freedom I feel, or the contentment. Not listening to the fear, not letting it stop me from being with a wonderful person, that’s a victory.
Small victories win wars.
I don’t think I will ever forget what he did. What we ALL did (he, she, me) all the cast of bizarre characters involved. I am not sure I ever forgave him completely either – it just seemed all so heinous, so dastardly, so cowardly. There’s a hole somewhere in my heart and an ache – not for the past – but the promise of what could have been had things been different. I don’t live in/with regret – I am where I need to be now – I am enjoying this moment/all of these moments in my life. There will always be some lingering pain from those wounds – they cut deep – loss usually does. Loss of our loved ones no matter how we lose them is difficult – we are fools to think otherwise; yet there a peace to it in the end – an acceptance. Hindsight isn’t always 20/20 – sometimes the vision’s cloudy no matter how long you look at ‘the picture’ – sometimes it just never comes into focus – sometimes it’s just not meant to...(not that it’s soft around the edges, but if you are lucky the edges wear smooth – if you allow yourself to stop living there long enough to let go).
So goes the quote.
I have passed the ‘anniversary’ yet again of me finding out about my husband’s infidelity…shortly thereafter I began this ‘journal’ which will be 3 years old in November.
3 years.
The ‘divorce group’ I belong to sends out reminders of the anniversary of people’s ‘divorce-date’. Ouch. How odd to ‘congratulate’ someone on something so filled with sadness/anger, sometimes unresolved feelings. I am not sure I want to be reminded of that day. I remind myself anyhow - of the anger, the hurt, the tears, the shame of the failure. I don’t remember on THAT day – I remember around this time of year. Oh yeah, I got divorced the week of Thanksgiving…like an idiot I went into work after my court appearance that day.
Crying at work is no fun...
Time hasn’t healed me. *I’ve* healed *myself* with help from God/Goddess, my precious family, and friends - slowly. By this past summer, I was healed enough and had let go enough to be able to fully embrace love again. I think I may have fallen in love a couple of times BEFORE now (briefly), but nothing compares to the freedom I feel, or the contentment. Not listening to the fear, not letting it stop me from being with a wonderful person, that’s a victory.
Small victories win wars.
I don’t think I will ever forget what he did. What we ALL did (he, she, me) all the cast of bizarre characters involved. I am not sure I ever forgave him completely either – it just seemed all so heinous, so dastardly, so cowardly. There’s a hole somewhere in my heart and an ache – not for the past – but the promise of what could have been had things been different. I don’t live in/with regret – I am where I need to be now – I am enjoying this moment/all of these moments in my life. There will always be some lingering pain from those wounds – they cut deep – loss usually does. Loss of our loved ones no matter how we lose them is difficult – we are fools to think otherwise; yet there a peace to it in the end – an acceptance. Hindsight isn’t always 20/20 – sometimes the vision’s cloudy no matter how long you look at ‘the picture’ – sometimes it just never comes into focus – sometimes it’s just not meant to...(not that it’s soft around the edges, but if you are lucky the edges wear smooth – if you allow yourself to stop living there long enough to let go).
posted by Colette at 10:20 AM
3 comments
NPR: Sean Lennon, Live in Concert
NPR: Sean Lennon, Live in Concert
OMG - he is the spitting image of his father all of a sudden...
(For me for later listening)
OMG - he is the spitting image of his father all of a sudden...
(For me for later listening)
posted by Colette at 8:42 AM
0 comments
Dilbert
I am reminded by my love that I AM smart enough (*giggles*)
posted by Colette at 8:23 AM
0 comments
My favourite Carny
Diary of a Carny
...yeah he's been updating...the season's over and I've been remiss in not reading him...
So have you probably.
I find it so intriguing and so strange that for a brief moment/window in my life, I shared this lifestyle, in another time, in some other reality, we may have very well met and who knows what could have transpired...
...yeah - memory - it can be a harsh mistress.
...yeah he's been updating...the season's over and I've been remiss in not reading him...
So have you probably.
I find it so intriguing and so strange that for a brief moment/window in my life, I shared this lifestyle, in another time, in some other reality, we may have very well met and who knows what could have transpired...
...yeah - memory - it can be a harsh mistress.
posted by Colette at 8:18 AM
1 comments
Drunks with knives...
...carving ‘orbs’…
Is it Pirates????
NO! It’s the 12th, 13th, 14th, or 15th annual (we could not figure out how long this has been going on but it was over 10 years) Great Pumpkin Carving held each year at the pub the ‘Barking Spider’ down on the campus of CWRU.
I was suppose to attend with Erin – unfortunately he had to bow out (duty calls). I went down expecting a large crowd – for some reason this year there weren’t as many people. Kind of sad.
At any rate there, on the campus of CWRU (from the place that brought you graffiti with such nuggets of widom: ‘I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy' ) – the plan is to sit around drinking pitchers of beers with each other and break out saw tiny saw-like apparatuses and other ‘carving/sculpting’ instruments and carve up pumpkins. It gets pretty interesting and usually we have some great artists in the crowd. I will be directing you to pictures once I find out they are uploaded.
(Here, courtesy Heidi is a picture from a past 'carving'):
I enjoyed the evening – I got to see my favourite Scottish Rogue – Dr. Evil himself –we promised each other to get together soon. Unfortunately he is not having HIS annual costume party this year.
I was asked to carve, I only wanted to watch (I like watching *winks*), but Heidi insisted. I really wanted to have Erin there – he’s the true artist of the two of us – I ended up carving an un-inspired ‘normal’ pumpkin gaping mouth, triangle nose, large, almond eyes.
I did get to meet some new and interesting people (we were all discussing the issues surrounding creationism being taught in schools vs Darwinism) I realised I missed these people and the wonderful conversations.
I need to get down there more often. Spring and summer are the best times for me cause everyone sits outside and since a lot of the group smokes winter is difficult being in there around all the second-hand smoke – I end up getting sick from it...
It was nice, but I left early 8:30 PM – maybe I will return tonight bringing Erin – if anyone is going to be down there.
We have a lot of options/opportunities for fun/doing stuff this weekend – so we shall see...
Is it Pirates????
NO! It’s the 12th, 13th, 14th, or 15th annual (we could not figure out how long this has been going on but it was over 10 years) Great Pumpkin Carving held each year at the pub the ‘Barking Spider’ down on the campus of CWRU.
I was suppose to attend with Erin – unfortunately he had to bow out (duty calls). I went down expecting a large crowd – for some reason this year there weren’t as many people. Kind of sad.
At any rate there, on the campus of CWRU (from the place that brought you graffiti with such nuggets of widom: ‘I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy' ) – the plan is to sit around drinking pitchers of beers with each other and break out saw tiny saw-like apparatuses and other ‘carving/sculpting’ instruments and carve up pumpkins. It gets pretty interesting and usually we have some great artists in the crowd. I will be directing you to pictures once I find out they are uploaded.
(Here, courtesy Heidi is a picture from a past 'carving'):
I enjoyed the evening – I got to see my favourite Scottish Rogue – Dr. Evil himself –we promised each other to get together soon. Unfortunately he is not having HIS annual costume party this year.
I was asked to carve, I only wanted to watch (I like watching *winks*), but Heidi insisted. I really wanted to have Erin there – he’s the true artist of the two of us – I ended up carving an un-inspired ‘normal’ pumpkin gaping mouth, triangle nose, large, almond eyes.
I did get to meet some new and interesting people (we were all discussing the issues surrounding creationism being taught in schools vs Darwinism) I realised I missed these people and the wonderful conversations.
I need to get down there more often. Spring and summer are the best times for me cause everyone sits outside and since a lot of the group smokes winter is difficult being in there around all the second-hand smoke – I end up getting sick from it...
It was nice, but I left early 8:30 PM – maybe I will return tonight bringing Erin – if anyone is going to be down there.
We have a lot of options/opportunities for fun/doing stuff this weekend – so we shall see...
posted by Colette at 7:33 AM
0 comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
File under WTF????
School boots 3 girls in 'Underpants'
...because a mind IS a terrible thing to waste.
(*mutters the word 'idiots' under her breath*)
...because a mind IS a terrible thing to waste.
(*mutters the word 'idiots' under her breath*)
posted by Colette at 12:36 PM
0 comments
A Little Practical Magic...
...and he is practically magical as well...
Yesterday was spent catching up on data entry at work – due to glitches in certain programs I am behind – arrgghh I HATE doing data entry – HATE IT! With a passion…
I went after work to get my hair done. Went to a different place and was really pleased with the outcome. At the salon, while in the chair reading ‘Cosmo’ (no comments from the peanut gallery it’s not like they have ‘Newsweek’ or ‘Time’ or even ‘National Geographics’ (LOL did *I* just type that last one) in salons to read (wonders why the hell not). At any rate there were some interesting ‘tips’ on ‘how to make your man go wild in bed’ but then isn’t that de rigueur for magazines like ‘Cosmo’?
Last night I got to also spend time with the other ‘passion’ in my life, Erin (the one I want to use the ‘tips’ on *winks*). He looked amazing! He had gone on a business jaunt up to Michigan to try to convince a client to use their services. The trip was somewhat fruitful. He was dressed to the nines and it made me wish that I had shown up to his place a little more ‘dressy’, but he got changed and we went to go see a friend to pick up a ‘steamer’ for use in trying to get an extremely-stubborn-refusing-to-budge wallpaper border off the walls in his bedroom. I enjoyed meeting his friend – he seemed like a very nice gentleman. (Note to self: keep Erin away from TVs).
Afterwards we went to get some food (vegetarian pitas yummy!), and then went to his house (again) to watch ‘Practical Magic’ which is a ‘date/chick’ flick. It’s cute, sweet, and romantic although I get irritated with it’s portrayal of ‘the craft’ at times. (The soundtrack is excellent BTW).
Then we retired for the evening (insert ‘ooh la las’ here) *smiles*
I could ride on the wave of the good times I have with him for days at a stretch. I am just constantly amazed at how I feel about him and how we seem to get along. Sometimes I wonder (and fret) about us. Thoughts like am I pleasing him; are there things I need to be doing differently? (I know we seem to communicate well enough that if I did he’d tell me – and he has) –yet still there is wondering. Sometimes I wonder as well if HE ever thinks about the same things – do men ever wonder if they could be doing things differently? Not to be disparaging or lump them all together but I have to say most men I’ve known (and have been with), don’t care after a certain point – they get where they ‘want to be’ and then they either ‘rest on their laurels’ or they just get lazy (of course women do this as well). He makes me feel special and more importantly he makes me feel like he gives a damn about what’s going on in my life, in my head, in my heart, and in my soul. Is the body or pleasure really all that important in relation to the ‘other’ aspects of me? Sure we all want to have hot sex (well at least *I* think most of us do) – is sex MORE enhanced when all of the ‘other bases’ are covered? Is it more steamy to have sex with a ‘perfect stranger’ or with your true love? Or, is the appeal of having sex with someone new perhaps, is that the doldrums have set in with your current S.O.? Again, this is where the constant reading of the barometer comes in to make sure you ARE communicating your needs/wants/desires to each other. What if you aren’t ‘hard-wired’ to ask? The ‘is every relationship doomed to failure’ question seeps in, insidiously…
I feel so very lucky and so blessed. I am just hoping my luck continues to hold.
Is this luck, or is this fate?
Yesterday was spent catching up on data entry at work – due to glitches in certain programs I am behind – arrgghh I HATE doing data entry – HATE IT! With a passion…
I went after work to get my hair done. Went to a different place and was really pleased with the outcome. At the salon, while in the chair reading ‘Cosmo’ (no comments from the peanut gallery it’s not like they have ‘Newsweek’ or ‘Time’ or even ‘National Geographics’ (LOL did *I* just type that last one) in salons to read (wonders why the hell not). At any rate there were some interesting ‘tips’ on ‘how to make your man go wild in bed’ but then isn’t that de rigueur for magazines like ‘Cosmo’?
Last night I got to also spend time with the other ‘passion’ in my life, Erin (the one I want to use the ‘tips’ on *winks*). He looked amazing! He had gone on a business jaunt up to Michigan to try to convince a client to use their services. The trip was somewhat fruitful. He was dressed to the nines and it made me wish that I had shown up to his place a little more ‘dressy’, but he got changed and we went to go see a friend to pick up a ‘steamer’ for use in trying to get an extremely-stubborn-refusing-to-budge wallpaper border off the walls in his bedroom. I enjoyed meeting his friend – he seemed like a very nice gentleman. (Note to self: keep Erin away from TVs).
Afterwards we went to get some food (vegetarian pitas yummy!), and then went to his house (again) to watch ‘Practical Magic’ which is a ‘date/chick’ flick. It’s cute, sweet, and romantic although I get irritated with it’s portrayal of ‘the craft’ at times. (The soundtrack is excellent BTW).
Then we retired for the evening (insert ‘ooh la las’ here) *smiles*
I could ride on the wave of the good times I have with him for days at a stretch. I am just constantly amazed at how I feel about him and how we seem to get along. Sometimes I wonder (and fret) about us. Thoughts like am I pleasing him; are there things I need to be doing differently? (I know we seem to communicate well enough that if I did he’d tell me – and he has) –yet still there is wondering. Sometimes I wonder as well if HE ever thinks about the same things – do men ever wonder if they could be doing things differently? Not to be disparaging or lump them all together but I have to say most men I’ve known (and have been with), don’t care after a certain point – they get where they ‘want to be’ and then they either ‘rest on their laurels’ or they just get lazy (of course women do this as well). He makes me feel special and more importantly he makes me feel like he gives a damn about what’s going on in my life, in my head, in my heart, and in my soul. Is the body or pleasure really all that important in relation to the ‘other’ aspects of me? Sure we all want to have hot sex (well at least *I* think most of us do) – is sex MORE enhanced when all of the ‘other bases’ are covered? Is it more steamy to have sex with a ‘perfect stranger’ or with your true love? Or, is the appeal of having sex with someone new perhaps, is that the doldrums have set in with your current S.O.? Again, this is where the constant reading of the barometer comes in to make sure you ARE communicating your needs/wants/desires to each other. What if you aren’t ‘hard-wired’ to ask? The ‘is every relationship doomed to failure’ question seeps in, insidiously…
I feel so very lucky and so blessed. I am just hoping my luck continues to hold.
Is this luck, or is this fate?
posted by Colette at 12:24 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
DId I ask you?
No, I didn't think so....
It absolutely amazes me how people have advice about love/relationships/dating to offer you regardless of your asking for such ‘gems of wisdom’…
Do I sound peeved? A little – why? Cause I don’t give a flying fuck what you have to say usually – does that make me a bitch? Refer to the ‘Cause I don’t give a f**k’ statement – keep going there until you get it...
(I mean if I come to you ASKING for advice – YES I WANT it – but that’s different. I am trying to gain perspective when I ask advice – this time it wasn’t the case...)
I was talking to one of my old friends – yeah you know the type, they’re the ones that never seem to pick up the phone and call you...
So we are talking and I am trying to relate all that has happened in the past 4 months to her. In talking about how I’ve met the kids, I get to the part about how the guy I am dating has a good relationship with his ex (something for the record, that I admire). There’s this pause. Then she says: ‘You mean they talk all the time?’ I respond that they talk often times when he calls to talk to the kids when they are in her care. ‘Why???’ she says sounding incredulous. Irritated I tell her ‘Because they share parenting – because it’s good for the kids for them to get along’ (I being to wonder why I called her and wonder in turn why the fuck I am having to explain this). She then says: ‘Are you sure nothing is going on – that he does not still have feelings for her?’ I assure her things are OK and that he probably will always have feelings for her – she is the mother to his children – I remind her I still have feelings for the father of both my kids (including the dead guy – sorry kids had to go there). She gets kind of indignant: ‘Oh I could not do that – that’s ridiculous’. Now I am angry: ‘Why I say – because it’s always been done that way? Why? Because we can’t ever (as women) become more tolerant, loving or enlightened? We always have to play the catty/bitchy card? How about the kids? If I am going to be in his life I HAVE to get used to this woman – how’s it going to be for these kids if there’s animosity between her and I and bad feelings and jealousy????’
Silence – I can sense she is hurt...
WTF?????
I change the subject.
I am not saying that things are perfect. Perfect? Does that exist between humans? My eyes are wide open here – they way everyone SHOULD be in their relationships. Sure it can be a bit uncomfortable – but nothing worth having is seldom easy. But still the whole thing is so damned irritating – it’s like those people who haven’t had a baby come out of their womb in decades giving advice unwanted or not elicited by the current pregnant woman…and sure, some ‘old’ advice is wonderful – but we are living in different times now. Like the whole issue of dating. I can’t get the girl I work with to stop razzing me about dating not just a younger man but one with kids. ‘You said you’d NEVER date anyone younger or with kids’ she keeps chiding me –and, I keep wanting to knock her blonde bimbo head into a wall. That’s right I did say that – but then a couple of things happened after all the dating mishaps and finally just about giving up on finding someone altogether. I began to realise that a lot of guys my age AND older HAD kids. OK she wins on the younger thing – I DID NOT want to date a younger guy (thanks to my ex) – but then when I met Erin I did not realise either of those aspects about him (age & kids) and by the time I did – it did not matter, I was completely taken by him. I’ve met 60 years olds with less wisdom and aplomb. The kids thing – sure it’s a little frightening to be a possible influence in their lives but it’s also a joy and a wonder to behold them. I feel blessed. I am having fun. Remember fun? (I thought I had forgotten).
So the next time you think you are helping – unless you are EXTREMELY close to your friend or being asked BY your friend – perhaps you should shut the hell up.
It absolutely amazes me how people have advice about love/relationships/dating to offer you regardless of your asking for such ‘gems of wisdom’…
Do I sound peeved? A little – why? Cause I don’t give a flying fuck what you have to say usually – does that make me a bitch? Refer to the ‘Cause I don’t give a f**k’ statement – keep going there until you get it...
(I mean if I come to you ASKING for advice – YES I WANT it – but that’s different. I am trying to gain perspective when I ask advice – this time it wasn’t the case...)
I was talking to one of my old friends – yeah you know the type, they’re the ones that never seem to pick up the phone and call you...
So we are talking and I am trying to relate all that has happened in the past 4 months to her. In talking about how I’ve met the kids, I get to the part about how the guy I am dating has a good relationship with his ex (something for the record, that I admire). There’s this pause. Then she says: ‘You mean they talk all the time?’ I respond that they talk often times when he calls to talk to the kids when they are in her care. ‘Why???’ she says sounding incredulous. Irritated I tell her ‘Because they share parenting – because it’s good for the kids for them to get along’ (I being to wonder why I called her and wonder in turn why the fuck I am having to explain this). She then says: ‘Are you sure nothing is going on – that he does not still have feelings for her?’ I assure her things are OK and that he probably will always have feelings for her – she is the mother to his children – I remind her I still have feelings for the father of both my kids (including the dead guy – sorry kids had to go there). She gets kind of indignant: ‘Oh I could not do that – that’s ridiculous’. Now I am angry: ‘Why I say – because it’s always been done that way? Why? Because we can’t ever (as women) become more tolerant, loving or enlightened? We always have to play the catty/bitchy card? How about the kids? If I am going to be in his life I HAVE to get used to this woman – how’s it going to be for these kids if there’s animosity between her and I and bad feelings and jealousy????’
Silence – I can sense she is hurt...
WTF?????
I change the subject.
I am not saying that things are perfect. Perfect? Does that exist between humans? My eyes are wide open here – they way everyone SHOULD be in their relationships. Sure it can be a bit uncomfortable – but nothing worth having is seldom easy. But still the whole thing is so damned irritating – it’s like those people who haven’t had a baby come out of their womb in decades giving advice unwanted or not elicited by the current pregnant woman…and sure, some ‘old’ advice is wonderful – but we are living in different times now. Like the whole issue of dating. I can’t get the girl I work with to stop razzing me about dating not just a younger man but one with kids. ‘You said you’d NEVER date anyone younger or with kids’ she keeps chiding me –and, I keep wanting to knock her blonde bimbo head into a wall. That’s right I did say that – but then a couple of things happened after all the dating mishaps and finally just about giving up on finding someone altogether. I began to realise that a lot of guys my age AND older HAD kids. OK she wins on the younger thing – I DID NOT want to date a younger guy (thanks to my ex) – but then when I met Erin I did not realise either of those aspects about him (age & kids) and by the time I did – it did not matter, I was completely taken by him. I’ve met 60 years olds with less wisdom and aplomb. The kids thing – sure it’s a little frightening to be a possible influence in their lives but it’s also a joy and a wonder to behold them. I feel blessed. I am having fun. Remember fun? (I thought I had forgotten).
So the next time you think you are helping – unless you are EXTREMELY close to your friend or being asked BY your friend – perhaps you should shut the hell up.
posted by Colette at 1:58 PM
1 comments
Truth, For a Change
Truth, For A Change: 'And now for something completely different'
You know - I meant to post something about this myself - but unfortunately , not only did my little brother beat me to it, he did it with such intelligence and wit that I will defer to him (well this time - he's still a little brother after all.
Out of the mouths of babes, go figure.)
Excellent, my dear....
You know - I meant to post something about this myself - but unfortunately , not only did my little brother beat me to it, he did it with such intelligence and wit that I will defer to him (well this time - he's still a little brother after all.
Out of the mouths of babes, go figure.)
Excellent, my dear....
posted by Colette at 12:00 PM
0 comments
We can be heroes...just for one day...
To each other – to people we don’t even know.
“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world…”
- - Anonymous
Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to go hear one of my heroes, Dr Dean Ornish give a talk. I have admired his work for a very long time and I was thrilled to hear him speak. He gave us all food for thought (no pun intended) – he is engaging, intelligent, humorous, and inspirational.
One of my ‘other’ heroes is my boyfriend. I admire him. Not just because I love him. But ‘because’ as in all the reasons I listed in that post ‘Because’...
This relationship has become very important to me – and it’s not that my past relationships weren’t important – it’s that in this one I see all the potential that did not seem to even exist in the others. This is not the first blush of love talking either. We’ve hit rough waters already and we are still afloat. Even though to me it was frightening to think that we had come to a point that might have ended the relationship, even then, there was no screaming or arguing – no voices were raised, no one slammed doors. I believe we were both a bit upset – but true anger did not seem to surface – intense irritation, frustration, yeah that was there. We rose above it – we found solid ground again. I am not sure if we are the same, I am hoping we are better, in many ways, I feel we are better…well I am hoping so at least.
I refuse to be guided by fear. In the past, my dating ‘adventures’ were so pathetic so lackluster, such a waste of time. I’d get to a point where I just wanted to scream (or kill someone – preferably my date). People expecting too much too soon (we are talking second or third dates here – one guy took me home to meet his twin daughters, his son AND his live-in mother on the third date!!!). No one seemed to think becoming good friends let alone really getting to KNOW one another was important at all – let alone necessary.
So my tolerance for people and for dating in general was not very high. The minute I sensed trouble I’d begin to waffle/plan my escape. The difference here is that he has so much to offer in the way of being ‘real’, honest, and substantive – I keep ‘discovering’ more about him and I still want to know more. He is never boring. Over and over we connect. I like the person *I* am when I am with him – the qualities he brings out in me. He is kind yet strong – he is not overbearing. He is patient and introspective. He is truly one of the good guys and I managed to luck out and capture his heart. Wow.
We just passed the 4 month mark in this relationship. I don’t know where we are going all I know is that I want him by my side.
“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world…”
- - Anonymous
Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to go hear one of my heroes, Dr Dean Ornish give a talk. I have admired his work for a very long time and I was thrilled to hear him speak. He gave us all food for thought (no pun intended) – he is engaging, intelligent, humorous, and inspirational.
One of my ‘other’ heroes is my boyfriend. I admire him. Not just because I love him. But ‘because’ as in all the reasons I listed in that post ‘Because’...
This relationship has become very important to me – and it’s not that my past relationships weren’t important – it’s that in this one I see all the potential that did not seem to even exist in the others. This is not the first blush of love talking either. We’ve hit rough waters already and we are still afloat. Even though to me it was frightening to think that we had come to a point that might have ended the relationship, even then, there was no screaming or arguing – no voices were raised, no one slammed doors. I believe we were both a bit upset – but true anger did not seem to surface – intense irritation, frustration, yeah that was there. We rose above it – we found solid ground again. I am not sure if we are the same, I am hoping we are better, in many ways, I feel we are better…well I am hoping so at least.
I refuse to be guided by fear. In the past, my dating ‘adventures’ were so pathetic so lackluster, such a waste of time. I’d get to a point where I just wanted to scream (or kill someone – preferably my date). People expecting too much too soon (we are talking second or third dates here – one guy took me home to meet his twin daughters, his son AND his live-in mother on the third date!!!). No one seemed to think becoming good friends let alone really getting to KNOW one another was important at all – let alone necessary.
So my tolerance for people and for dating in general was not very high. The minute I sensed trouble I’d begin to waffle/plan my escape. The difference here is that he has so much to offer in the way of being ‘real’, honest, and substantive – I keep ‘discovering’ more about him and I still want to know more. He is never boring. Over and over we connect. I like the person *I* am when I am with him – the qualities he brings out in me. He is kind yet strong – he is not overbearing. He is patient and introspective. He is truly one of the good guys and I managed to luck out and capture his heart. Wow.
We just passed the 4 month mark in this relationship. I don’t know where we are going all I know is that I want him by my side.
posted by Colette at 7:37 AM
0 comments
Monday, October 23, 2006
The romantic bits...
I did not wish to neglect mentioning this for it means an awful lot to me...
Satruday night, before we went to sleep in each others arms, Erin read to me...several poems from one of the Norton anthologies...
He ended with 'The Rape of the Lock' by Alexander Pope (he will need to finish reading this to me). Very intersting poem (the background is rather fascinating) - to see more check out THIS LINK
Satruday night, before we went to sleep in each others arms, Erin read to me...several poems from one of the Norton anthologies...
He ended with 'The Rape of the Lock' by Alexander Pope (he will need to finish reading this to me). Very intersting poem (the background is rather fascinating) - to see more check out THIS LINK
posted by Colette at 10:36 AM
0 comments
The whirlwind slows down...
...and I catch my breath again.
Friday I was beside myself with worry/fear that perhaps this new ‘relationship’ was already on the way down the slippery slope towards nothingness/oblivion…I was literally sick with that feeling/knowledge.
But then, when I showed up to see him Friday evening, things seemed to be OK – better than just OK. I mean he was actually happy to see me and affectionate.
We talked a little bit and reconnected. It’s all a matter of BOTH partners ‘hearing one another’ and really listening, not surface listening.
We went shopping together found a ski jacket for me, however, I may exchange that one because at the other branch of this particular sporting goods store, I found one on the clearance rack for half price which would allow me to buy more stuff for skiing. Afterwards, he wanted to take me to a pumpkin patch (which would have been very romantic), but it was closed *pouts*. Instead, we went to a local bar by him and heard a lackluster band and I had a lesson in how to shoot pool (I knew how to play pool, but I have not shot a game in literally almost a decade – and I was never that good to begin with) – so I technically got a ‘lesson’ from him – on top of getting to watch him play which I find incredibly erotic for some reason (it’s all in his form). We headed to his place, after he played one of the locals a quick couple of games. Since he had purchased a dart board for his basement playroom for him/the kids, we put it up and played darts. I had a blast, laughing myself silly – I sucked - but then it’s been a while since I played.
The next day was nice – he took his kids to a party. I went home and did some laundry. I then went out to find him a replacement chain to wear with his cross – unfortunately, I have to take it back because it was too long for him. I found a card that was perfect for what I wanted to say (not because it was ‘Sweetest Day’ but because we need to be romantic to one another regardless – or at least *I* think we do – it’s why relationships and marriages fizzle out – cause we don’t take the time to do those ‘little things’ that mean so much). We went shopping again looking at skis for him (skis, boots, bindings – geez its’ so fucking expensive). Then after a quick jog over to the bookstore, where I bought a couple of books for the newborn twins (my best friend’s daughter just had twin girls) – we left (way earlier than either one of us would normally leave a book store), and I took him over to my girlfriend’s daughter’s house to meet my ‘second’ family. We spent the remainder of the evening with them talking and laughing and he seemed to be relaxed and comfortable amongst these people that I love dearly.
As we left, my friend’s other daughter (who is suffering from a life-threatening disease and who is extremely devout in her Catholic faith), asked us to attend mass the next day and be at the baptism of her twin nieces. It felt wrong turning her down, we agreed to be there. I was really happy to be sharing these things with Erin – to me this is a big milestone, meeting family members and going to family functions. Spent Saturday evening together and then got up Sunday – he had to teach his PSR class; afterwards, we went together to the mass/baptism which ended up lasting close to 5 hours (since we were then invited to join everyone for the luncheon following. Again it was wonderful and in a way kind of frightening to have him attend this function – almost as if the level of the relationship is somehow becoming more ‘serious’ but of course this does not work in a vacuum and I am not sure if this is just me feeling this way or it’s both of us. Regardless it was lovely. Just to be there celebrating the occasion felt marvelous and having Erin there made it even more special.
After the luncheon we went back to his place, I changed and went to Liam’s to see him – spent time hanging out and helping him – mainly talking while he put up his Barbie doll collection. Drove home through the whirlwind/blustering winds and ended up once again at Erin’s spending the night – which again was lovely (sigh upon sigh, moment to moment – exactly how love is suppose to work).
Sometimes, coming down from the initial ‘high’ of a romance is greatest feeling in the world - a sense that perhaps this time, I’ve found the person worth waiting for...
Friday I was beside myself with worry/fear that perhaps this new ‘relationship’ was already on the way down the slippery slope towards nothingness/oblivion…I was literally sick with that feeling/knowledge.
But then, when I showed up to see him Friday evening, things seemed to be OK – better than just OK. I mean he was actually happy to see me and affectionate.
We talked a little bit and reconnected. It’s all a matter of BOTH partners ‘hearing one another’ and really listening, not surface listening.
We went shopping together found a ski jacket for me, however, I may exchange that one because at the other branch of this particular sporting goods store, I found one on the clearance rack for half price which would allow me to buy more stuff for skiing. Afterwards, he wanted to take me to a pumpkin patch (which would have been very romantic), but it was closed *pouts*. Instead, we went to a local bar by him and heard a lackluster band and I had a lesson in how to shoot pool (I knew how to play pool, but I have not shot a game in literally almost a decade – and I was never that good to begin with) – so I technically got a ‘lesson’ from him – on top of getting to watch him play which I find incredibly erotic for some reason (it’s all in his form). We headed to his place, after he played one of the locals a quick couple of games. Since he had purchased a dart board for his basement playroom for him/the kids, we put it up and played darts. I had a blast, laughing myself silly – I sucked - but then it’s been a while since I played.
The next day was nice – he took his kids to a party. I went home and did some laundry. I then went out to find him a replacement chain to wear with his cross – unfortunately, I have to take it back because it was too long for him. I found a card that was perfect for what I wanted to say (not because it was ‘Sweetest Day’ but because we need to be romantic to one another regardless – or at least *I* think we do – it’s why relationships and marriages fizzle out – cause we don’t take the time to do those ‘little things’ that mean so much). We went shopping again looking at skis for him (skis, boots, bindings – geez its’ so fucking expensive). Then after a quick jog over to the bookstore, where I bought a couple of books for the newborn twins (my best friend’s daughter just had twin girls) – we left (way earlier than either one of us would normally leave a book store), and I took him over to my girlfriend’s daughter’s house to meet my ‘second’ family. We spent the remainder of the evening with them talking and laughing and he seemed to be relaxed and comfortable amongst these people that I love dearly.
As we left, my friend’s other daughter (who is suffering from a life-threatening disease and who is extremely devout in her Catholic faith), asked us to attend mass the next day and be at the baptism of her twin nieces. It felt wrong turning her down, we agreed to be there. I was really happy to be sharing these things with Erin – to me this is a big milestone, meeting family members and going to family functions. Spent Saturday evening together and then got up Sunday – he had to teach his PSR class; afterwards, we went together to the mass/baptism which ended up lasting close to 5 hours (since we were then invited to join everyone for the luncheon following. Again it was wonderful and in a way kind of frightening to have him attend this function – almost as if the level of the relationship is somehow becoming more ‘serious’ but of course this does not work in a vacuum and I am not sure if this is just me feeling this way or it’s both of us. Regardless it was lovely. Just to be there celebrating the occasion felt marvelous and having Erin there made it even more special.
After the luncheon we went back to his place, I changed and went to Liam’s to see him – spent time hanging out and helping him – mainly talking while he put up his Barbie doll collection. Drove home through the whirlwind/blustering winds and ended up once again at Erin’s spending the night – which again was lovely (sigh upon sigh, moment to moment – exactly how love is suppose to work).
Sometimes, coming down from the initial ‘high’ of a romance is greatest feeling in the world - a sense that perhaps this time, I’ve found the person worth waiting for...
posted by Colette at 9:18 AM
0 comments
Friday, October 20, 2006
Brooklyn Museum - "Annie Leibovitz: A Photographer's Life, 1990-2005'
Brooklyn Museum - "Annie Leibovitz: A Photographer's Life, 1990-2005"
Cool - I may even get a chance to see this over Thanksgiving. She is one of my favourite photographers
Cool - I may even get a chance to see this over Thanksgiving. She is one of my favourite photographers
posted by Colette at 11:53 AM
0 comments
For Erin (cause I want to tell the whole world)
I Love You Because:
Because you make me not want to hide or repeat old patterns
Because you make me laugh and smile
Because I feel like a child sometimes and you make me want to play
Because we connect in ways I did not know existed
Because you are a good person, man, father
Because you are sexy/hot and you turn me on
Because I love being held by you, going to sleep by your side, waking up with you
Because you are gentle and kind
Because you make me want to strive for my dreams and you support me
Because I want the same for you and want to support you as well
Because you are extremely intelligent
Because even when we struggle with each other, I can get you to laugh and I still want you and want to be with you and NOT give up
Because this all feels so right
Because I feel the best is yet to come.
Because you make me not want to hide or repeat old patterns
Because you make me laugh and smile
Because I feel like a child sometimes and you make me want to play
Because we connect in ways I did not know existed
Because you are a good person, man, father
Because you are sexy/hot and you turn me on
Because I love being held by you, going to sleep by your side, waking up with you
Because you are gentle and kind
Because you make me want to strive for my dreams and you support me
Because I want the same for you and want to support you as well
Because you are extremely intelligent
Because even when we struggle with each other, I can get you to laugh and I still want you and want to be with you and NOT give up
Because this all feels so right
Because I feel the best is yet to come.
posted by Colette at 8:11 AM
0 comments
Another 'New Rule'
OK.
I had to post this one cause I actually laughed out loud...
New Rules per Bill Maher from 10/06/06
"New Rule: Stop telling me to go to your website for "more on the story." We're both here now. Why don't you tell me the whole story? You tease. How would you like it if I climaxed first and said, "For more on your orgasm, go to that contraption in your panty drawer."
I had to post this one cause I actually laughed out loud...
New Rules per Bill Maher from 10/06/06
"New Rule: Stop telling me to go to your website for "more on the story." We're both here now. Why don't you tell me the whole story? You tease. How would you like it if I climaxed first and said, "For more on your orgasm, go to that contraption in your panty drawer."
posted by Colette at 7:28 AM
1 comments
Thursday, October 19, 2006
For an angel....
The wretched desert takes its form, the jackal proud and tight
In search of you, i feel my way, though the slowest heaving night
Whatever fear invents, i swear it make no sense
I reach through the border fence
Come down, come talk to me
In the swirling, curling storm of desire unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, the lightning lashes towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief
Why are you shaking like a leaf
Come on, come talk to me
Ah please talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can't you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
The earthly power sucks shadowed milk from sleepy tears undone
From nippled skin as smooth as silk the bugles blown as one
You lie there with your eyes half closed
like there's no-one there at all
There's a tension pulling on your face
Come on, come talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
If you'd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you'd only talk to me
Don't you ever change your mind
Now your future's so defined
And you act so deaf and blind
[and you act so deaf so blind]
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
'til we're both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away
I said please talk to me
Won't you please come talk to me
Just like it used to be
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
I said please talk to me
If you'd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you'd only talk to me
- - Peter Gabriel: Us "Come Talk to Me"
In search of you, i feel my way, though the slowest heaving night
Whatever fear invents, i swear it make no sense
I reach through the border fence
Come down, come talk to me
In the swirling, curling storm of desire unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, the lightning lashes towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief
Why are you shaking like a leaf
Come on, come talk to me
Ah please talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can't you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
The earthly power sucks shadowed milk from sleepy tears undone
From nippled skin as smooth as silk the bugles blown as one
You lie there with your eyes half closed
like there's no-one there at all
There's a tension pulling on your face
Come on, come talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
If you'd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you'd only talk to me
Don't you ever change your mind
Now your future's so defined
And you act so deaf and blind
[and you act so deaf so blind]
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
'til we're both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away
I said please talk to me
Won't you please come talk to me
Just like it used to be
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me
I said please talk to me
If you'd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you'd only talk to me
- - Peter Gabriel: Us "Come Talk to Me"
posted by Colette at 4:16 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Lullabys for Adults...
...yeah that's how I'd describe this album in it's feel...
File under: 'Now listening to'
Cowboy Junkies: The Trinity Sessions
File under: 'Now listening to'
Cowboy Junkies: The Trinity Sessions
posted by Colette at 9:11 PM
0 comments
New Rules
With who else - my son's and my favourite:
Mr. Bill Maher
(Read this people - you might learn something)
***********
October 13, 2006
"It is time for New Rules, everybody!
All right. New Rule: Americans can't make fun of Kim Jung Il's hair as long as we're represented by this guy. [photo of John Bolton] Who is weirder, the guy whose look says, "I'm stuck in the fifties," or the guy who says - whose look says, "Got milk?"
New Rule: The world has to wake up and do something about Darfur. And on the way back - on the way back, they should stop by Paris and help this lady. [photo of extremely thin model]
New Rule: Men don't care how expensive your bra is. They just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back. The Victoria's Secret Christmas catalogue features a $6.5 million diamond-studded bra. And, guys, it's the perfect bra for mistresses because she's almost guaranteed not to leave it in your truck.
New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk. Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything. Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.
Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."
New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see." Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person fucking him...is you. "
Mr. Bill Maher
(Read this people - you might learn something)
***********
October 13, 2006
"It is time for New Rules, everybody!
All right. New Rule: Americans can't make fun of Kim Jung Il's hair as long as we're represented by this guy. [photo of John Bolton] Who is weirder, the guy whose look says, "I'm stuck in the fifties," or the guy who says - whose look says, "Got milk?"
New Rule: The world has to wake up and do something about Darfur. And on the way back - on the way back, they should stop by Paris and help this lady. [photo of extremely thin model]
New Rule: Men don't care how expensive your bra is. They just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back. The Victoria's Secret Christmas catalogue features a $6.5 million diamond-studded bra. And, guys, it's the perfect bra for mistresses because she's almost guaranteed not to leave it in your truck.
New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk. Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything. Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.
Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."
New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see." Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person fucking him...is you. "
posted by Colette at 9:05 PM
1 comments
The diary of Ms. Velvet Jones
Ah the feel of Velvet....
Check it out kids - it's the blog of the week.
Check it out kids - it's the blog of the week.
posted by Colette at 9:01 PM
0 comments
Words to live by (thanks to C2)
Words to Live By:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings"
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness" (if you're not sure about this one, think about that lady we all know that makes 'amazing things' out of beads).
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,we all believe that we are an above-average driver.
37. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day: Remember that a small family of amateurs built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings"
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness" (if you're not sure about this one, think about that lady we all know that makes 'amazing things' out of beads).
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,we all believe that we are an above-average driver.
37. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day: Remember that a small family of amateurs built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
posted by Colette at 9:23 AM
1 comments
Dog saves owner from fire, dies trying to rescue cat
Dog saves owner from fire, dies trying to rescue cat
...um...OK.
Before anyone turns me into to PETA or the SPCA or som such shit, let it be known:
I AM a cat lover. Big Time!
The dog should have let the cat die. Poor dog.
...um...OK.
Before anyone turns me into to PETA or the SPCA or som such shit, let it be known:
I AM a cat lover. Big Time!
The dog should have let the cat die. Poor dog.
posted by Colette at 7:33 AM
0 comments
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Cherokee Wisdom
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two
"wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two
"wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
posted by Colette at 10:54 AM
0 comments
Cosmic Trigger Event 10/17/06
Note: I know a lot of you out there might think this is a bunch of bunk. However in talking to a lot of friends and co-workers today, there is DEFINITELY some vibrational event happening.
Bang! Bang! What kind of ammo you chose to shoot from your gun is up to you - however I am going to try to stay as positive as I can.
Bang! Bang! What kind of ammo you chose to shoot from your gun is up to you - however I am going to try to stay as positive as I can.
posted by Colette at 10:47 AM
0 comments
Monday, October 16, 2006
Tattoo You
A 'costume idea' from my dear Sir Erin. (OK so this particular example is kind of ugly - but it's still a good costume idea).
posted by Colette at 9:42 PM
0 comments
A quote
Taken from a wise person who belongs a wonderful group I am on at Yahoo...he in turn took this quote from comedian Billy Connelly:
"Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. This is all well and good, but it means that every relationship at the start has to involve at least one person lying to the other one."
So I want some feedback here, oh denizens of the blogosphere (or wherever you happen to fall along the super-info highway that good ole Mr. Gore invented)
What do you think.
Is it that women are lying to themselves? Or are men lying to us to get us in bed? Or is it a little bit of both?
C'mon SPEAK UP - I can be a comment whore, can't I? (Don't answer that dambit, answer my other questions!)
^_^
PLEASE...pretty please...
"Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. This is all well and good, but it means that every relationship at the start has to involve at least one person lying to the other one."
So I want some feedback here, oh denizens of the blogosphere (or wherever you happen to fall along the super-info highway that good ole Mr. Gore invented)
What do you think.
Is it that women are lying to themselves? Or are men lying to us to get us in bed? Or is it a little bit of both?
C'mon SPEAK UP - I can be a comment whore, can't I? (Don't answer that dambit, answer my other questions!)
^_^
PLEASE...pretty please...
posted by Colette at 8:39 PM
0 comments
Sunrise dreams and a blast from the past...
Today's been pretty intersting in many ways...
I call Erin to hear his voice in the morning – it’s become a habit (like he informed me yesterday – and has at other times as well- that me being around is becoming habit-forming – but I always take the negative connotation with that and I need to stop cause it’s wonderful to hear that stuff – he also talked about ‘wondering’ when I was going to change – as in would I suddenly go from being the person he’s in love with now to some crazy/angry/bitchy woman – I told him that other than being concerned about ‘the change’ that I am pretty much going to stay the way I am at this point in my life – at least I am pretty sure I am going to be this way)...
At any rate he told me of his ‘dream’: He was apparently working with Bond, James Bond as an agent and the mission was to rescue some duchess from the Nazis – I was apparently involved in this dream as a French resistance fighter. COOL – I mean that totally rocks (*giggles* I am laughing as I type this) – so we ended up ‘playing’ with this scenario today a bit in our e-mail and our phone conversation – we are such dorks for each other...geez...(Oh and I forgot to mention the 'attack-trained' skunks - yeah the Nazis sicked them on us but Erin did some sort of 'better-than-James-Bond-esque' feat that had the skunks spray their trainers ^_^ )
Then, once at work today, because I teach on Mondays I try to eat breakfast – so I went down to the cafeteria and ran into one of the female urologists here. She is one of my favourite people – she is so very cool – she has lived abroad she is I believe either Argentinean or from South America somewhere – she is a professional dancer (besides being a doctor), and her specialty is the tango – she is the most exuberant and full-of-life person I have ever met – she is older than me and she (I know this for real), has a younger lover whom she met through the tango – she is one of my heroes. Well today as she and I chatted (yes, she even talks to ‘lowly people’ like me – which is another reason I love her) while in line to buy our food, she suddenly glanced up and looked out the big picture window in the cafeteria and almost shouted: ‘Will you look at that glorious sunrise! Look at all that beauty!’ I wanted to cry and hug her at the same time. Exactly Dr.! We go through our lives and we miss all this beauty. We grumble, we complain, we don’t get it. For instance, last night as Erin and I talked I asked him what the difference was between when I wonder about things (concerning our relationship) vs when HE wonders about things and his answer was ‘I think about it in a positive way …’ He is SO right. Today hearing this doctor act like a child in WONDERMENT over something as simple as a beautiful sunrise, I realized I have to get out of this negative mindset. I have to begin to embrace the positive person I am deep down – I have to live with the hope I DO have in my life – my friend Linda often tells me I am the most hopeful person she knows cause I am willing to risk things for love – she is right I AM a positive and happy person. It’s not that things don’t ever get to me – they do – and it’s not that I don’t have my ‘dark side’ - I do – but I needn’t wallow in it – I need to live as much as possible in the glory of all the blessings that I have in my life and embrace fully the joy that permeates my everyday existence. So sure there will be moments of ranting here and there – but I think I like the kinder/gentler Colette a whole helluva lot better. She’s way more fun to be around.
*********
The blast...
It’s weird, my life, at times. Today out of nowhere one of my ex-boyfriends (someone I almost married) called me. We had not talked in like 2 years – we’ve known each other since our late teens. Why was he calling me? Just to see how I was doing – he was thrilled to hear I was dating and he filled me in on all that’s been up in his life – his son and mine are the same age and his son is going to college and I told him of the problems I was having getting my son on board and we commiserated for a while – but for the most part, the conversation was decidedly upbeat. We laughed about our respective dating horror stories and promised to stay in touch. We are strange in our connection to each other. I was JUST thinking about him the other day – wondering how he was – you know how people will just suddenly come to mind – but in my case when I do that with people they often materialise – and he did – voila. Cool and weird at the same time...
I call Erin to hear his voice in the morning – it’s become a habit (like he informed me yesterday – and has at other times as well- that me being around is becoming habit-forming – but I always take the negative connotation with that and I need to stop cause it’s wonderful to hear that stuff – he also talked about ‘wondering’ when I was going to change – as in would I suddenly go from being the person he’s in love with now to some crazy/angry/bitchy woman – I told him that other than being concerned about ‘the change’ that I am pretty much going to stay the way I am at this point in my life – at least I am pretty sure I am going to be this way)...
At any rate he told me of his ‘dream’: He was apparently working with Bond, James Bond as an agent and the mission was to rescue some duchess from the Nazis – I was apparently involved in this dream as a French resistance fighter. COOL – I mean that totally rocks (*giggles* I am laughing as I type this) – so we ended up ‘playing’ with this scenario today a bit in our e-mail and our phone conversation – we are such dorks for each other...geez...(Oh and I forgot to mention the 'attack-trained' skunks - yeah the Nazis sicked them on us but Erin did some sort of 'better-than-James-Bond-esque' feat that had the skunks spray their trainers ^_^ )
Then, once at work today, because I teach on Mondays I try to eat breakfast – so I went down to the cafeteria and ran into one of the female urologists here. She is one of my favourite people – she is so very cool – she has lived abroad she is I believe either Argentinean or from South America somewhere – she is a professional dancer (besides being a doctor), and her specialty is the tango – she is the most exuberant and full-of-life person I have ever met – she is older than me and she (I know this for real), has a younger lover whom she met through the tango – she is one of my heroes. Well today as she and I chatted (yes, she even talks to ‘lowly people’ like me – which is another reason I love her) while in line to buy our food, she suddenly glanced up and looked out the big picture window in the cafeteria and almost shouted: ‘Will you look at that glorious sunrise! Look at all that beauty!’ I wanted to cry and hug her at the same time. Exactly Dr.! We go through our lives and we miss all this beauty. We grumble, we complain, we don’t get it. For instance, last night as Erin and I talked I asked him what the difference was between when I wonder about things (concerning our relationship) vs when HE wonders about things and his answer was ‘I think about it in a positive way …’ He is SO right. Today hearing this doctor act like a child in WONDERMENT over something as simple as a beautiful sunrise, I realized I have to get out of this negative mindset. I have to begin to embrace the positive person I am deep down – I have to live with the hope I DO have in my life – my friend Linda often tells me I am the most hopeful person she knows cause I am willing to risk things for love – she is right I AM a positive and happy person. It’s not that things don’t ever get to me – they do – and it’s not that I don’t have my ‘dark side’ - I do – but I needn’t wallow in it – I need to live as much as possible in the glory of all the blessings that I have in my life and embrace fully the joy that permeates my everyday existence. So sure there will be moments of ranting here and there – but I think I like the kinder/gentler Colette a whole helluva lot better. She’s way more fun to be around.
*********
The blast...
It’s weird, my life, at times. Today out of nowhere one of my ex-boyfriends (someone I almost married) called me. We had not talked in like 2 years – we’ve known each other since our late teens. Why was he calling me? Just to see how I was doing – he was thrilled to hear I was dating and he filled me in on all that’s been up in his life – his son and mine are the same age and his son is going to college and I told him of the problems I was having getting my son on board and we commiserated for a while – but for the most part, the conversation was decidedly upbeat. We laughed about our respective dating horror stories and promised to stay in touch. We are strange in our connection to each other. I was JUST thinking about him the other day – wondering how he was – you know how people will just suddenly come to mind – but in my case when I do that with people they often materialise – and he did – voila. Cool and weird at the same time...
posted by Colette at 2:03 PM
0 comments
“…2nd, 3rd , 4th, or 5th childhood...
...depending on which one you’re currently on”
“Would you like to relive your childhood?” he asked me as we stood above the sledding hill in North Chagrin River Park while watching his kids roll down the hill. He then proceeded to try to get me to roll down the hill. I fought to not go down, and we wrestled like kids and then he rolled down the hill and I followed.
I am paying for it today, my neck and shoulders are sore...but yes acting like a kid has it’s advantages. Being with his kids is wonderful and I am getting used to it. It’s been years since I’ve hung out watching Disney movies and doing math homework. Yet somehow, it all feels right.
I fall in love with him over and over again as I watch him with his children; as he grabs me suddenly and kisses me passionately (which should not be a surprise at this stage in the game but yet it was - which is kind of sad). I fall in love with him as we talk, even over things we need to iron out. I fall in love with him when we do the little mundane things that go to make up a life..
I am thrown by some of the things he does as well. Wondering why - feeling a little at odds with some of decisions he makes/things he does – not knowing quite how to ‘deal’ with them (in the sense of bringing them up), without sounding bitchy or like a nag...knowing that letting go is an option but not sure if in the end it will make me resentful...I guess only time will tell.
This is all still new. I STILL have to keep pinching myself, reminding myself. I am feeling still like perhaps I should slow down a little and I think that’s a good idea – to give myself space to breathe…time to think.
But yeah I think I could spend the rest of my days looking forward to childhood...and wanting to be with him as I grow up.
“Would you like to relive your childhood?” he asked me as we stood above the sledding hill in North Chagrin River Park while watching his kids roll down the hill. He then proceeded to try to get me to roll down the hill. I fought to not go down, and we wrestled like kids and then he rolled down the hill and I followed.
I am paying for it today, my neck and shoulders are sore...but yes acting like a kid has it’s advantages. Being with his kids is wonderful and I am getting used to it. It’s been years since I’ve hung out watching Disney movies and doing math homework. Yet somehow, it all feels right.
I fall in love with him over and over again as I watch him with his children; as he grabs me suddenly and kisses me passionately (which should not be a surprise at this stage in the game but yet it was - which is kind of sad). I fall in love with him as we talk, even over things we need to iron out. I fall in love with him when we do the little mundane things that go to make up a life..
I am thrown by some of the things he does as well. Wondering why - feeling a little at odds with some of decisions he makes/things he does – not knowing quite how to ‘deal’ with them (in the sense of bringing them up), without sounding bitchy or like a nag...knowing that letting go is an option but not sure if in the end it will make me resentful...I guess only time will tell.
This is all still new. I STILL have to keep pinching myself, reminding myself. I am feeling still like perhaps I should slow down a little and I think that’s a good idea – to give myself space to breathe…time to think.
But yeah I think I could spend the rest of my days looking forward to childhood...and wanting to be with him as I grow up.
posted by Colette at 7:26 AM
0 comments
Friday, October 13, 2006
WTF???
Um OK. Let’s talk about Yoga shall we...
I am a Yoga Teacher/Therapist – I found one of my old ‘posters’ and realized I have been teaching Yoga for 4 years now.
Things are going steady. I teach Monday nights at work, Tuesday nights at the local community college and have Thursday nights on hold because I may be participating in that study I mentioned before – but there is another class I was scheduled to teach locally at a church. The thing was the ‘department’ supposedly supporting the class refused to do any advertising then wondered why no one showed up – what was I suppose to do, send out a ‘Town Crier’ with Yoga news? When I pointed this out they told me they would take an ad out as soon as we could agree on a date.
As far as the research study I still have no date of when that will take place. So the class for the church is in limbo UNTIL I get an answer on the study.
Today, I got a call from the girl that is admin for the Center for integrative Medicine asking me why I put an ad in the local paper about a Yoga class at the church starting November 16. HUH??????????? WTF????????? I was told by this same person I was not ALLOWED to put such an ad in the local paper – and further why would I put out an ad for a class to start the week BEFORE Thanksgiving (assuming it’s a weekly class). I responded I did not take ANY ad out and I did not know what she was talking about. So now both of us are in a scramble cause they are getting calls on this non-existent class. I told her to call the paper to find out who placed the ad. She claimed it’s actually one of their fliers – which I would not be able to send via electronic file form to the newspaper to begin with...
WTF???????????
Do you suppose there is a newspaper ad ‘fairy godmother’ who decided as an act of kindness to place an ad for MY Yoga class????? (*eyes the seedy-Elmer-Gantry-esque minister a bit closer*)
(Note to Erin – No dear, I don’t think there is some weird conspiracy going on)
I am a Yoga Teacher/Therapist – I found one of my old ‘posters’ and realized I have been teaching Yoga for 4 years now.
Things are going steady. I teach Monday nights at work, Tuesday nights at the local community college and have Thursday nights on hold because I may be participating in that study I mentioned before – but there is another class I was scheduled to teach locally at a church. The thing was the ‘department’ supposedly supporting the class refused to do any advertising then wondered why no one showed up – what was I suppose to do, send out a ‘Town Crier’ with Yoga news? When I pointed this out they told me they would take an ad out as soon as we could agree on a date.
As far as the research study I still have no date of when that will take place. So the class for the church is in limbo UNTIL I get an answer on the study.
Today, I got a call from the girl that is admin for the Center for integrative Medicine asking me why I put an ad in the local paper about a Yoga class at the church starting November 16. HUH??????????? WTF????????? I was told by this same person I was not ALLOWED to put such an ad in the local paper – and further why would I put out an ad for a class to start the week BEFORE Thanksgiving (assuming it’s a weekly class). I responded I did not take ANY ad out and I did not know what she was talking about. So now both of us are in a scramble cause they are getting calls on this non-existent class. I told her to call the paper to find out who placed the ad. She claimed it’s actually one of their fliers – which I would not be able to send via electronic file form to the newspaper to begin with...
WTF???????????
Do you suppose there is a newspaper ad ‘fairy godmother’ who decided as an act of kindness to place an ad for MY Yoga class????? (*eyes the seedy-Elmer-Gantry-esque minister a bit closer*)
(Note to Erin – No dear, I don’t think there is some weird conspiracy going on)
posted by Colette at 11:45 AM
0 comments
Tango in the Night...
I want...
To go dancing naked in the rain...maybe not in the snow.
Yes, lately I’ve been wanting to go dancing – maybe catch the eye of a total stranger and do some intimate/lurid tango in the night...
I can always imagine/pretend….but deep down I FEEL like dancing. Perhaps it’s a function of the love I feel; A natural extension of the lust/desire/heat/passion that builds up within me longing for release. I want to feel fluid, languid, flowing to an erotic rhythmic beat – trance-like - heating up, building in crescendo and ending in nothing less than total bliss...
Shall we dance?
To go dancing naked in the rain...maybe not in the snow.
Yes, lately I’ve been wanting to go dancing – maybe catch the eye of a total stranger and do some intimate/lurid tango in the night...
I can always imagine/pretend….but deep down I FEEL like dancing. Perhaps it’s a function of the love I feel; A natural extension of the lust/desire/heat/passion that builds up within me longing for release. I want to feel fluid, languid, flowing to an erotic rhythmic beat – trance-like - heating up, building in crescendo and ending in nothing less than total bliss...
Shall we dance?
posted by Colette at 9:44 AM
0 comments
Ramblings...streaming thoughts...
It’s fucking cold. REALLY. Without the benefit of snow...
The ex called – it’s the anniversary of his dad’s death – he was sad – needed someone to talk to and I obliged...odd choice...
People...
He sits in the coffee shop. He is sad – it emanates from him like an odour. He is a bit frayed around the edges. He needs a hair cut. He reminds me of a lost little boy and I want to reach out and smooth his furrowed brow...
Woman at the store. Hurried. Hassled. Haggard. She is trying to shop with a 3 or 4 year old who keeps trying to climb out of the cart all the while screaming for this toy or that cereal. She seems numb to the whole thing. I want to take the kid an give him a time-out or help her in some way, but I don’t know how since she seems to be on auto-pilot – or perhaps her 'zoning out' IS her dealing with this.
Persistence...
Feeling like an intruder in my own life at times. Feeling the (almost constant) need to get away. Get out of Dodge. Regroup. Rethink a lot of situations in my life. Time to step back and take stock and cut away all the debris/driftwood from my life…
Tired of not being heard. Tired of wanting/desiring but not quite knowing how to stop. Tired of being made to feel like the things I Do say are over-reactions or fevered imaginings instead of valid feelings. Tired of all the guesswork.
Needing some terra firma to stand on but fearing that it simply does not exist in the realm of relationship...
Sometimes I DO just want to stop the world and get off for a while.
The ex called – it’s the anniversary of his dad’s death – he was sad – needed someone to talk to and I obliged...odd choice...
People...
He sits in the coffee shop. He is sad – it emanates from him like an odour. He is a bit frayed around the edges. He needs a hair cut. He reminds me of a lost little boy and I want to reach out and smooth his furrowed brow...
Woman at the store. Hurried. Hassled. Haggard. She is trying to shop with a 3 or 4 year old who keeps trying to climb out of the cart all the while screaming for this toy or that cereal. She seems numb to the whole thing. I want to take the kid an give him a time-out or help her in some way, but I don’t know how since she seems to be on auto-pilot – or perhaps her 'zoning out' IS her dealing with this.
Persistence...
Feeling like an intruder in my own life at times. Feeling the (almost constant) need to get away. Get out of Dodge. Regroup. Rethink a lot of situations in my life. Time to step back and take stock and cut away all the debris/driftwood from my life…
Tired of not being heard. Tired of wanting/desiring but not quite knowing how to stop. Tired of being made to feel like the things I Do say are over-reactions or fevered imaginings instead of valid feelings. Tired of all the guesswork.
Needing some terra firma to stand on but fearing that it simply does not exist in the realm of relationship...
Sometimes I DO just want to stop the world and get off for a while.
posted by Colette at 7:21 AM
0 comments
Yeah...but some of us already knew this...
...about me.
| Your Lust Quotient: 65% |
 You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you! You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do. |
posted by Colette at 6:55 AM
0 comments
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Just in time for Friday the 13th...
We have, courtesy of C2, who apparently has tons of time on her hands to dig up this shit
Scary Ad #1:
And scarier-gimmiky thingy #2 (instructions on how-to/link
can be found *here* ):
Scary Ad #1:
And scarier-gimmiky thingy #2 (instructions on how-to/link
can be found *here* ):
posted by Colette at 7:11 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
****** SLANKET : THE BEST BLANKET EVER ******
****** SLANKET : THE BEST BLANKET EVER ******
*giggles* - Courtesy of C2 (who secretly likes to snuggle, thus proving once and for all she has a 'softer side')...
*giggles* - Courtesy of C2 (who secretly likes to snuggle, thus proving once and for all she has a 'softer side')...
posted by Colette at 8:11 PM
1 comments
Auterrific
Auterrific
Linda (Auterrific) has always been a part of this blog - almost since it's inception....
She's blog of the week (and dear to my heart as well).
Wishing you peace, joy, and happiness my dear.
Linda (Auterrific) has always been a part of this blog - almost since it's inception....
She's blog of the week (and dear to my heart as well).
Wishing you peace, joy, and happiness my dear.
posted by Colette at 6:02 PM
1 comments
Bitches...
...yeah...
Could someone PLEASE explain to me why most women are such catty bitches????
I mean why? What is it EXACTLY that makes you think you are all THAT (anything) to begin with? Further what gives you the right to treat other women that way - either outright, or by snubbing them, or ignoring them, or thinking you are a legend in your own mind.....
Just curious....
Could someone PLEASE explain to me why most women are such catty bitches????
I mean why? What is it EXACTLY that makes you think you are all THAT (anything) to begin with? Further what gives you the right to treat other women that way - either outright, or by snubbing them, or ignoring them, or thinking you are a legend in your own mind.....
Just curious....
posted by Colette at 12:47 PM
0 comments
My 'Give-A-Damn' ain't broke....
I got a chance to have lunch yesterday, with Erin – it was very nice – something we’ve never done on a weekday. Something *I* needed to do…
We talk all the time. That’s a wonderful part of our relationship. I’ve been wondering about relationships lately and what makes them work and what makes them fail. I am not ‘borrowing’ trouble – I just consider these things…ponder them.
I have to laugh when Erin begins listing my good qualities and he told me that “my ‘give-a-damn’ ain’t broke” - *laughs* how delightful….
Oh how sometimes I wish it were broke.
We talk of many things – of our lives, of our work, of our children. We laugh. We play. We seem to really enjoy each other’s company.
As we left the restaurant we stopped in front of a newspaper vending machine. We together read the latest ‘crap’ plaguing the universe as outlined in the headlines….
I winced as he described having a conversation with his son about nuclear proliferation.
Good lord. The idea that we even need to have such conversations with our kids sends chills down my spine.
I was one of those strange little kids – I brought up subjects at the dinner table that simply were not (as my mother would say) to be discussed in polite company. Did I care hell no! Still don’t. Why? I guess cause my ‘give-a-damn’ ain't’ broke. Sure I will push those buttons. But it strikes fear in my heart thinking about HAVING to have such a conversation with a 10 year old about when we might just decide to destroy the planet….
*shivers*
Yeah – everything else be damned – this IS some scary shit – the situation looms like some Godzilla-like nightmare over my psyche – insinuating itself into my heart and taking up residence – the fear is palpable and the nightmare seems to be heading towards reality. Can we all please just take a look into the face of some innocent child near each of us and decide it’s just not worth it to be at war with each other and we need to step back from the brink? Can we? Please?
We talk all the time. That’s a wonderful part of our relationship. I’ve been wondering about relationships lately and what makes them work and what makes them fail. I am not ‘borrowing’ trouble – I just consider these things…ponder them.
I have to laugh when Erin begins listing my good qualities and he told me that “my ‘give-a-damn’ ain’t broke” - *laughs* how delightful….
Oh how sometimes I wish it were broke.
We talk of many things – of our lives, of our work, of our children. We laugh. We play. We seem to really enjoy each other’s company.
As we left the restaurant we stopped in front of a newspaper vending machine. We together read the latest ‘crap’ plaguing the universe as outlined in the headlines….
I winced as he described having a conversation with his son about nuclear proliferation.
Good lord. The idea that we even need to have such conversations with our kids sends chills down my spine.
I was one of those strange little kids – I brought up subjects at the dinner table that simply were not (as my mother would say) to be discussed in polite company. Did I care hell no! Still don’t. Why? I guess cause my ‘give-a-damn’ ain't’ broke. Sure I will push those buttons. But it strikes fear in my heart thinking about HAVING to have such a conversation with a 10 year old about when we might just decide to destroy the planet….
*shivers*
Yeah – everything else be damned – this IS some scary shit – the situation looms like some Godzilla-like nightmare over my psyche – insinuating itself into my heart and taking up residence – the fear is palpable and the nightmare seems to be heading towards reality. Can we all please just take a look into the face of some innocent child near each of us and decide it’s just not worth it to be at war with each other and we need to step back from the brink? Can we? Please?
posted by Colette at 12:40 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Musings about loss...
Lately I have been at odds with myself.
Things have been bothering me....most of them center around loss.
I had a bit of a reality check this weekend from meeting some of Erin's family. Left me kind of wondering about the relationship in terms of 'where are we going?' - how fast/how soon etc.
He said something that stopped me a little in my tracks (it's funny how one single comment can do that to me) - it was about becoming too familiar with each other and not doing the 'little things'. He can still say he's crazy about me and after all isn't that what matters? I can say the same (just for inquiring minds - not that anyone out there is keeping score).
Sometimes it's imperceptible how we 'lose' the things we used to do for/to each other that make it a romance vs day-to-day drudgery/mundane relationship.
Like holding a door for each other. Like that little phone call just to say 'I love you'. Like an e-mail or hand-written love-letter. Like looking into each other's eyes. Like holding hands. Like all those little things.
I've lamented this before - I am lamenting again. Only because I am curious as to what makes and then ultimately breaks a relationship and sometimes I wonder if it's because in some ways we do keep tally. 'He/she didn't buy me anything for the anniversary of our first date'; or, 'he/she never tells me she loves me anymore' etc.
*********
I've suffered a loss this past week as well. It's major - I don't know what to say. I'd like to talk about it deeper but I can't - I don't know if I ever will. Suffice it to say I am deeply saddened and feeling it in places I did not think I would. It's probably for the best...but there's always that little voice that wonders in the back of my mind.
Things have been bothering me....most of them center around loss.
I had a bit of a reality check this weekend from meeting some of Erin's family. Left me kind of wondering about the relationship in terms of 'where are we going?' - how fast/how soon etc.
He said something that stopped me a little in my tracks (it's funny how one single comment can do that to me) - it was about becoming too familiar with each other and not doing the 'little things'. He can still say he's crazy about me and after all isn't that what matters? I can say the same (just for inquiring minds - not that anyone out there is keeping score).
Sometimes it's imperceptible how we 'lose' the things we used to do for/to each other that make it a romance vs day-to-day drudgery/mundane relationship.
Like holding a door for each other. Like that little phone call just to say 'I love you'. Like an e-mail or hand-written love-letter. Like looking into each other's eyes. Like holding hands. Like all those little things.
I've lamented this before - I am lamenting again. Only because I am curious as to what makes and then ultimately breaks a relationship and sometimes I wonder if it's because in some ways we do keep tally. 'He/she didn't buy me anything for the anniversary of our first date'; or, 'he/she never tells me she loves me anymore' etc.
*********
I've suffered a loss this past week as well. It's major - I don't know what to say. I'd like to talk about it deeper but I can't - I don't know if I ever will. Suffice it to say I am deeply saddened and feeling it in places I did not think I would. It's probably for the best...but there's always that little voice that wonders in the back of my mind.
posted by Colette at 2:13 PM
0 comments
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday
posted by Colette at 1:14 PM
0 comments
Monday, October 09, 2006
Because...
(I am posting this because I have to...)
She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet
Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She dont know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that aint nothing
But to me, yeah me,
Its everything
She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Dont you know that they call her out by her name
- - The Black Crowes: 'She talks to Angels'
She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet
Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She dont know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that aint nothing
But to me, yeah me,
Its everything
She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Dont you know that they call her out by her name
- - The Black Crowes: 'She talks to Angels'
posted by Colette at 10:38 PM
0 comments
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Days of Future Passed
(Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness: Zero '...and God is empty just like me')
(October is here - it is a beautiful, crisp day outside. I am doing my monthly repost/recollection from last October - the first piece is long and painful - last year at this time I WAS going through a lot of pain and self-induced introspection that caused more pain - note the links I had put with this post might be broken)
The ties that bind...
...us to each other, are sometimes the hardest ones to bear....
The reason why I decided to even write about this was because of this piece (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9593427/) done on 'The Today Show' on NBC . My daughter struggled with this issue.
So I decided to write about my daughter and our relationship and it's many trials and tribulations. I've been hesitant to air this but it's been sitting inside my head and my heart for a long time now and I think it needs some light and some fresh air.
*******************
I have a daughter. I really don't talk much about her - except in terms of her being a new mom (and now pregnant yet again with her third child - YES ANOTHER KID).
I was living in Houston when I found out I was pregnant with my first born. I can tell you the exact time she was conceived (Valentine's Day/Night). When her dad found out he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy. I fought him about this and won the fight, but in many ways I lost the fight too.
He began to turn abusive when I was about 5 months along (I did not know at the time he was sick with a rare kidney disease). He seemed angry all the time and it was stressful. I had not been getting very good prenatal care; I had protein in my urine, I had high blood pressure, and I was not healthy. 8 months into my pregnancy, her dad and I got into a fight about cleaning the carpets before she arrived and he beat the hell out of me; I am lucky I was able to carry her to term...
When I finally did go into labour with her, it lasted for 48 hours (it was dry labour - my water had broke and I did not even realize it because I was going to the bathroom at the time and I remember thinking 'Gee I am really peeing for an awful long time'). Because I was having a hard time with labour and delivery and because, according to fetal monitoring, she was under stress and having a hard time as well - she was a forceps delivery.
He was not with me during labour (we were not married and they would not let him in with me). In fact, no one was in with me because I had no relatives living in Houston and the hospital would not let friends into the room with me. I was alone for the entire delivery. I was screamed at by the nurses, and actually made fun of as well. It was horrid.
She entered the world screaming. I was too tired to even care. They brought her to me almost immediately. She was to stay in my room round the clock; I never got a break from all the hours of labour and delivery. No sleep - because she was screaming all the time, and nothing I did seemed to calm her.
We brought her home. She was a long baby and she had a long neck and she looked like ET (yes ET from the Spielberg movie), but she changed and turned lovely. She had colic though - colic so bad that I did not sleep once I got home either - not at all. He was absolutely no help; I don't know why I thought it would be any different. For three months it seemed, I was unable to get a decent nights sleep. She would wail and scream and nothing would help her. I spoke to a pediatrician who told me colic was an old wives tale and basically I was full of it...at one point it got so bad I had to physically leave the house because I knew I'd end up throwing her against a wall; I was in serious trouble. His cousins lived nearby and they tried to help but in the end it was she and I alone, trying to survive.
Eventually she outgrew the colic and became a normal baby. She was cute, although she did not talk a whole lot but she tried walking pretty early. Unfortunately things between her dad and I got worse. Mainly because he was sick and was not getting help. We would have some pretty bad fights, and, at one point he threw something at me when I was holding her. I knew it was time to get out, but I did not have anywhere to go.
We had moved out of our former apartment complex, which for all intents and purposes was in the barrio in Houston - it was dangerous - especially since I was alone most night since he worked a 3rd shift job in a Porn shop. We got a much nicer apartment but it meant me having to go to work. I really wanted someone to watch her during the day but he reasoned we could not afford this and that he would watch her. I told him since he worked all night I was worried he'd be too tired to keep an eye on an active baby - but he won that argument too - I was beginning to be afraid of him.
I would get up at 4 A.M. to go to work. Our downstairs neighbour got me a job in a bindery for one of the city papers. One afternoon as we got home, there was a group of people outside my apartment door and the wife of the neighbour who got me the job, as well as out apartment manager. It seemed that he had fallen asleep so hard he did not hear our daughter screaming; she had been up and crying since 10 A.M. that morning - it was now 2:30 in the afternoon - he was dead to the world on the couch - my daughter was trembling, scared, almost at the point of hyperventilation from crying so hard. She was so upset she nearly did not recognize me. The excitement abated once I got home and we tried to wake him up - and he did wake up very groggy - discombobulated. The nosy neighbours left, except my downstairs neighbor, she asked me to come downstairs and talk I went begrudgingly; she basically told me that unless I left him she would make sure to have social services take my daughter away - I knew she meant it (this from a woman who was cooking meth in her bathroom and was into drugs big time)- but I could not risk it. The very next day I left him and moved downstairs. Sometime after that, I met the man I was going to marry, have my son with and who would become my daughter step-father and in my heart her true dad.
As I have indicated my daughter's father passed away from a rare kidney disease. My daughter was only 6 years old when he died, and it hit her really hard.
Around the age of 10 years old, sometime after her dad had passed and years after I was remarried, my daughter began acting out. It started with little things, problem in school, problems with the kids in school (she had practically no friends), and constant moodiness. It moved to bigger things, she would steal from my purse - once she took my bike to school and never let me know and we then had a really embarrassing moment at the school because she had locked up my bike with my lock but did not know the combination...she was always lying about things. She was having problems in school. We took her to a counselor who basically told me that she felt the problem with my daughter was that she was a brat (I am not kidding you). We were seen as a family too; I was told my husband was trying to be a Q/A manager to the family instead of being a dad and husband. Looking back I feel there was a bit of one-upmanship going on between the Dr. and my husband.
When my husband and I separated, my daughter came to live with me, her ½ brother stayed with his dad...we still saw each other all the time but it just wasn't the same. I put my daughter in a school system she really wanted to go to. I had a new man in my life - she didn't like him. When he and I had problems she internalized all of it. Things got worse between us and his depression started spiraling out of control. To get her away from all of this we moved to Lakewood, OH. This was her idea as well (her cousin lived in Lakewood). I thought all would be good until she began really having problems in school (and again it seemed my daughter's social skills and interpersonal skills were sorely lacking - I mean it couldn't keep being that EVERY school she went to the kids didn't like her - could it?) I felt bad because I too was the brunt of a lot of torture (being a nerd and all) so I totally understood; but how do you make friends FOR your kids??? I felt she'd have to work it out somehow on her own...that was until she began to get death threats and finally came home bruised one day and I had to file charges against the kids who beat her and threaten to sue the school. She decided one weekend to run away - we were beside ourselves with fear - thank Goddess she came up safe and she told us it was because of school - she did not tell us it was because she was unhappy with me as well. Needless to say I had to move again. It was also around this time that I found out my daughter was 'cutting'. To this day I will never be able to understand someone's motivation for harming themselves in such a fashion; but she told me one day how it felt and perhaps now I can understand it more than I did then. She told me she felt she was in a black hole, surrounded by darkness, sobbing and telling me: "It's so dark inside of me Mom!" to this day it makes me cry; but somehow we just weren't connecting; she just would not let me in; she was so frightened and probably did not feel safe talking to me. I immediately got her into counseling - I was frightened for her. The counselor was very helpful and reassured me that my daughter would be OK. Now I realise she meant physically. Mentally and behaviourally she was out of control. She was cuttingschooll - she was running with kids that sheshouldd not have been with - she cause a lot of problems in our house.
At the age of 18 years old she was only a junior in school. She was suppose to go for the summer to her paternal grandmother's house in West VA. She wanted to go out the night before she left and I let her. She never came home. She never got on the bus to go to West VA. For 36 hours she was missing. The local police would not do anything because she was 18 years old. I was beside myself.Finallyy I got a call from hersayingn 'Hey Mom I heard you were looking for me...what do you want' - really snotty. I asked her where she was she told me it was none of my business. She told me she wanted a night out with friends and she was 18 now and things were going to change. I saw red. I said 'You are damn well straight they are. You get your ass home right now and get your stuff because otherwise it's going out on the tree-lawn - I havehadd it! And, if you think you are going to live your life this way under MY roof in my house you are sadly mistaken. I want my keys back and if you think you can live better out there on your own go for it.' She showed up with the son of the former Governor of the State of Ohio - she was hanging with him (he was 23 yrs old at that time - oh and I had a great conversation with his mother)...so, in essence I kicked my daughter out of my house. I just could not take it anymore.
She hung with that young man for about a week and he dumped her on her girlfriend. Around this same time she was hanging out with a young man she would end up marrying. They decided to move in together. He seemed to be a good influence on her. They ended up in an apartment right up the street from me - and we barely saw each other things between us were just too strained.
About 1/2 a year into their relationship she took off on him too (no apparently it was not me causing her to run away from her own life) - what she did was pretty sordid and I am going to bow out on reporting it. Suffice it to say she needed rescuing and he went and rescued her. To that end I owe this young man quite a lot.
They are married now. For a while they lived with his parents. They are up in Michigan and they have two beautiful children (and now one on the way). He is a pretty intense fundamentalist Christian and when I say that I mean that it is somewhat cultish - kind of scary - and of course, my daughter follows him blindly. I don't mean to knock 'Christianity' but this is a form of it I have never seen and simply can not agree with (it's just too bizarre - way too archaic for me) if you want to check it out you can go to this website (http://www.drdino.com/) .
Perhaps they will 'outgrow' this - perhaps they will create a compound somewhere in a sparselypopulatedd area, and, perhaps because I won't buy into their side of things, I won't get to see my grandchildren and obviously I don't want that to happen. What DOES go on now between us is a sort of dance, with me being very delicate and trying to curb my tongue and accept her choices because I don't want to ultimately lose her (and I never did) - I've come to realise over the years though that sometimes you just don't get a say in things, even when those 'things' involve your kids. I just hope and pray that they all live happily ever after....or at least if I have to go 'rescue' her from her own decisions that the 'real' God will be on our side.
******
(This one was from when I watched my ex's place when his father died. It was when I found out that not only had he cheated on me withwomenn - he had cheated on me with men)
The kindness of strangers
Never ceases to amaze me - and I've written about it before.
I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write - I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it's not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. Di - Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.
*********
So I've been on what Mr. C calls the 'divorce diet' once again not really eating (the way I should) - I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I've been sleeping somewhat but it's fitful. I've been holding this in and I want to explode.
HE calls me. He talks to me, asks about the cats, tells me how sad he's been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea - but that'd be too good for him <*weak smile*> )
Our conversations go something like this:
Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it's been hard down here.I wish you were here
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you - this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What's wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself - you mean I am not being 'friendly' enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what's wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that's what your thinking {he's a bit upset now - well more so at least - he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C- talk to me! Tell me what's wrong.
Me: Look this isn't the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there - be with your mom - don't worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we've been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order.
Me: Yeah OK. Well give your mom my best...talk to you later.
{end}
This went on for a couple of days - mainly I just acted numb on the phone - now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty (it's sort of like 'please for Goddess sake shut the hell up C' kind of experience - or sometimes - like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)
Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk. Finally, I went absolutely ape-shit on him - I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet 'as fun' that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him - he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn't know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done - totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or form (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).
I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things - that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me - again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment - answering for him - he trashed it - and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn't leave me alone I'd make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally
*sigh*
Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the landmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.
It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).
I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.
Somehow...someday....
(October is here - it is a beautiful, crisp day outside. I am doing my monthly repost/recollection from last October - the first piece is long and painful - last year at this time I WAS going through a lot of pain and self-induced introspection that caused more pain - note the links I had put with this post might be broken)
The ties that bind...
...us to each other, are sometimes the hardest ones to bear....
The reason why I decided to even write about this was because of this piece (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9593427/) done on 'The Today Show' on NBC . My daughter struggled with this issue.
So I decided to write about my daughter and our relationship and it's many trials and tribulations. I've been hesitant to air this but it's been sitting inside my head and my heart for a long time now and I think it needs some light and some fresh air.
*******************
I have a daughter. I really don't talk much about her - except in terms of her being a new mom (and now pregnant yet again with her third child - YES ANOTHER KID).
I was living in Houston when I found out I was pregnant with my first born. I can tell you the exact time she was conceived (Valentine's Day/Night). When her dad found out he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy. I fought him about this and won the fight, but in many ways I lost the fight too.
He began to turn abusive when I was about 5 months along (I did not know at the time he was sick with a rare kidney disease). He seemed angry all the time and it was stressful. I had not been getting very good prenatal care; I had protein in my urine, I had high blood pressure, and I was not healthy. 8 months into my pregnancy, her dad and I got into a fight about cleaning the carpets before she arrived and he beat the hell out of me; I am lucky I was able to carry her to term...
When I finally did go into labour with her, it lasted for 48 hours (it was dry labour - my water had broke and I did not even realize it because I was going to the bathroom at the time and I remember thinking 'Gee I am really peeing for an awful long time'). Because I was having a hard time with labour and delivery and because, according to fetal monitoring, she was under stress and having a hard time as well - she was a forceps delivery.
He was not with me during labour (we were not married and they would not let him in with me). In fact, no one was in with me because I had no relatives living in Houston and the hospital would not let friends into the room with me. I was alone for the entire delivery. I was screamed at by the nurses, and actually made fun of as well. It was horrid.
She entered the world screaming. I was too tired to even care. They brought her to me almost immediately. She was to stay in my room round the clock; I never got a break from all the hours of labour and delivery. No sleep - because she was screaming all the time, and nothing I did seemed to calm her.
We brought her home. She was a long baby and she had a long neck and she looked like ET (yes ET from the Spielberg movie), but she changed and turned lovely. She had colic though - colic so bad that I did not sleep once I got home either - not at all. He was absolutely no help; I don't know why I thought it would be any different. For three months it seemed, I was unable to get a decent nights sleep. She would wail and scream and nothing would help her. I spoke to a pediatrician who told me colic was an old wives tale and basically I was full of it...at one point it got so bad I had to physically leave the house because I knew I'd end up throwing her against a wall; I was in serious trouble. His cousins lived nearby and they tried to help but in the end it was she and I alone, trying to survive.
Eventually she outgrew the colic and became a normal baby. She was cute, although she did not talk a whole lot but she tried walking pretty early. Unfortunately things between her dad and I got worse. Mainly because he was sick and was not getting help. We would have some pretty bad fights, and, at one point he threw something at me when I was holding her. I knew it was time to get out, but I did not have anywhere to go.
We had moved out of our former apartment complex, which for all intents and purposes was in the barrio in Houston - it was dangerous - especially since I was alone most night since he worked a 3rd shift job in a Porn shop. We got a much nicer apartment but it meant me having to go to work. I really wanted someone to watch her during the day but he reasoned we could not afford this and that he would watch her. I told him since he worked all night I was worried he'd be too tired to keep an eye on an active baby - but he won that argument too - I was beginning to be afraid of him.
I would get up at 4 A.M. to go to work. Our downstairs neighbour got me a job in a bindery for one of the city papers. One afternoon as we got home, there was a group of people outside my apartment door and the wife of the neighbour who got me the job, as well as out apartment manager. It seemed that he had fallen asleep so hard he did not hear our daughter screaming; she had been up and crying since 10 A.M. that morning - it was now 2:30 in the afternoon - he was dead to the world on the couch - my daughter was trembling, scared, almost at the point of hyperventilation from crying so hard. She was so upset she nearly did not recognize me. The excitement abated once I got home and we tried to wake him up - and he did wake up very groggy - discombobulated. The nosy neighbours left, except my downstairs neighbor, she asked me to come downstairs and talk I went begrudgingly; she basically told me that unless I left him she would make sure to have social services take my daughter away - I knew she meant it (this from a woman who was cooking meth in her bathroom and was into drugs big time)- but I could not risk it. The very next day I left him and moved downstairs. Sometime after that, I met the man I was going to marry, have my son with and who would become my daughter step-father and in my heart her true dad.
As I have indicated my daughter's father passed away from a rare kidney disease. My daughter was only 6 years old when he died, and it hit her really hard.
Around the age of 10 years old, sometime after her dad had passed and years after I was remarried, my daughter began acting out. It started with little things, problem in school, problems with the kids in school (she had practically no friends), and constant moodiness. It moved to bigger things, she would steal from my purse - once she took my bike to school and never let me know and we then had a really embarrassing moment at the school because she had locked up my bike with my lock but did not know the combination...she was always lying about things. She was having problems in school. We took her to a counselor who basically told me that she felt the problem with my daughter was that she was a brat (I am not kidding you). We were seen as a family too; I was told my husband was trying to be a Q/A manager to the family instead of being a dad and husband. Looking back I feel there was a bit of one-upmanship going on between the Dr. and my husband.
When my husband and I separated, my daughter came to live with me, her ½ brother stayed with his dad...we still saw each other all the time but it just wasn't the same. I put my daughter in a school system she really wanted to go to. I had a new man in my life - she didn't like him. When he and I had problems she internalized all of it. Things got worse between us and his depression started spiraling out of control. To get her away from all of this we moved to Lakewood, OH. This was her idea as well (her cousin lived in Lakewood). I thought all would be good until she began really having problems in school (and again it seemed my daughter's social skills and interpersonal skills were sorely lacking - I mean it couldn't keep being that EVERY school she went to the kids didn't like her - could it?) I felt bad because I too was the brunt of a lot of torture (being a nerd and all) so I totally understood; but how do you make friends FOR your kids??? I felt she'd have to work it out somehow on her own...that was until she began to get death threats and finally came home bruised one day and I had to file charges against the kids who beat her and threaten to sue the school. She decided one weekend to run away - we were beside ourselves with fear - thank Goddess she came up safe and she told us it was because of school - she did not tell us it was because she was unhappy with me as well. Needless to say I had to move again. It was also around this time that I found out my daughter was 'cutting'. To this day I will never be able to understand someone's motivation for harming themselves in such a fashion; but she told me one day how it felt and perhaps now I can understand it more than I did then. She told me she felt she was in a black hole, surrounded by darkness, sobbing and telling me: "It's so dark inside of me Mom!" to this day it makes me cry; but somehow we just weren't connecting; she just would not let me in; she was so frightened and probably did not feel safe talking to me. I immediately got her into counseling - I was frightened for her. The counselor was very helpful and reassured me that my daughter would be OK. Now I realise she meant physically. Mentally and behaviourally she was out of control. She was cuttingschooll - she was running with kids that sheshouldd not have been with - she cause a lot of problems in our house.
At the age of 18 years old she was only a junior in school. She was suppose to go for the summer to her paternal grandmother's house in West VA. She wanted to go out the night before she left and I let her. She never came home. She never got on the bus to go to West VA. For 36 hours she was missing. The local police would not do anything because she was 18 years old. I was beside myself.Finallyy I got a call from hersayingn 'Hey Mom I heard you were looking for me...what do you want' - really snotty. I asked her where she was she told me it was none of my business. She told me she wanted a night out with friends and she was 18 now and things were going to change. I saw red. I said 'You are damn well straight they are. You get your ass home right now and get your stuff because otherwise it's going out on the tree-lawn - I havehadd it! And, if you think you are going to live your life this way under MY roof in my house you are sadly mistaken. I want my keys back and if you think you can live better out there on your own go for it.' She showed up with the son of the former Governor of the State of Ohio - she was hanging with him (he was 23 yrs old at that time - oh and I had a great conversation with his mother)...so, in essence I kicked my daughter out of my house. I just could not take it anymore.
She hung with that young man for about a week and he dumped her on her girlfriend. Around this same time she was hanging out with a young man she would end up marrying. They decided to move in together. He seemed to be a good influence on her. They ended up in an apartment right up the street from me - and we barely saw each other things between us were just too strained.
About 1/2 a year into their relationship she took off on him too (no apparently it was not me causing her to run away from her own life) - what she did was pretty sordid and I am going to bow out on reporting it. Suffice it to say she needed rescuing and he went and rescued her. To that end I owe this young man quite a lot.
They are married now. For a while they lived with his parents. They are up in Michigan and they have two beautiful children (and now one on the way). He is a pretty intense fundamentalist Christian and when I say that I mean that it is somewhat cultish - kind of scary - and of course, my daughter follows him blindly. I don't mean to knock 'Christianity' but this is a form of it I have never seen and simply can not agree with (it's just too bizarre - way too archaic for me) if you want to check it out you can go to this website (http://www.drdino.com/) .
Perhaps they will 'outgrow' this - perhaps they will create a compound somewhere in a sparselypopulatedd area, and, perhaps because I won't buy into their side of things, I won't get to see my grandchildren and obviously I don't want that to happen. What DOES go on now between us is a sort of dance, with me being very delicate and trying to curb my tongue and accept her choices because I don't want to ultimately lose her (and I never did) - I've come to realise over the years though that sometimes you just don't get a say in things, even when those 'things' involve your kids. I just hope and pray that they all live happily ever after....or at least if I have to go 'rescue' her from her own decisions that the 'real' God will be on our side.
******
(This one was from when I watched my ex's place when his father died. It was when I found out that not only had he cheated on me withwomenn - he had cheated on me with men)
The kindness of strangers
Never ceases to amaze me - and I've written about it before.
I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write - I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it's not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. Di - Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.
*********
So I've been on what Mr. C calls the 'divorce diet' once again not really eating (the way I should) - I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I've been sleeping somewhat but it's fitful. I've been holding this in and I want to explode.
HE calls me. He talks to me, asks about the cats, tells me how sad he's been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea - but that'd be too good for him <*weak smile*> )
Our conversations go something like this:
Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it's been hard down here.I wish you were here
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you - this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What's wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself - you mean I am not being 'friendly' enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what's wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that's what your thinking {he's a bit upset now - well more so at least - he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C- talk to me! Tell me what's wrong.
Me: Look this isn't the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there - be with your mom - don't worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we've been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order.
Me: Yeah OK. Well give your mom my best...talk to you later.
{end}
This went on for a couple of days - mainly I just acted numb on the phone - now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty (it's sort of like 'please for Goddess sake shut the hell up C' kind of experience - or sometimes - like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)
Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk. Finally, I went absolutely ape-shit on him - I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet 'as fun' that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him - he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn't know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done - totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or form (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).
I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things - that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me - again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment - answering for him - he trashed it - and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn't leave me alone I'd make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally
*sigh*
Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the landmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.
It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).
I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.
Somehow...someday....
posted by Colette at 11:35 AM
0 comments
Full Moon, Empty Arms
(Listening to: Boards of Canada: Music Has the Right to Children - 'Rue the Whirl')
Last night was strange. There was a full moon and I felt it's magnet pull and I wanted to be out under the moon being held, being loved....the pull was SO strong...
I felt disconcerted though...
Empty, and strange...pulled in so many directions...struggling....
There's a lot going on...
Did some cleaning. Went to bed - slept until 10-ish WOW - I haven't done that in weeks. Felt weird. Groggy. Got up made coffee. Cleaned more. Contemplated writing and here I am - struggling.
Last night I got to see my dearest friend, Linda - she is in from NYC visiting because her daughter just had twin girls. So I spent the evening helping them take care of these tiny new beings. Fragile and beautiful. Struggling themselves to adjust to their new lives, new surroundings - just as Linda's daughter was discovering all their aspects/nuances/needs....
Today I have a wedding to go to - my landlord's daughter is getting married. It should be a wonderful time. I wish Erin was going instead of me going alone. I hate going to weddings alone (I don't hate weddings anymore - but I don't like going alone). I want to get drunk (how very irresponsible of me) still...I feel like doing it anyway. Not to drown my sorrow but maybe to just have that feeling - that totally relaxed sort of drifty feeling....
The wedding and reception is taking place at a country club. Perhaps I will go out and wander outside under the now waning/less full moon. Struggling.
Last night was strange. There was a full moon and I felt it's magnet pull and I wanted to be out under the moon being held, being loved....the pull was SO strong...
I felt disconcerted though...
Empty, and strange...pulled in so many directions...struggling....
There's a lot going on...
Did some cleaning. Went to bed - slept until 10-ish WOW - I haven't done that in weeks. Felt weird. Groggy. Got up made coffee. Cleaned more. Contemplated writing and here I am - struggling.
Last night I got to see my dearest friend, Linda - she is in from NYC visiting because her daughter just had twin girls. So I spent the evening helping them take care of these tiny new beings. Fragile and beautiful. Struggling themselves to adjust to their new lives, new surroundings - just as Linda's daughter was discovering all their aspects/nuances/needs....
Today I have a wedding to go to - my landlord's daughter is getting married. It should be a wonderful time. I wish Erin was going instead of me going alone. I hate going to weddings alone (I don't hate weddings anymore - but I don't like going alone). I want to get drunk (how very irresponsible of me) still...I feel like doing it anyway. Not to drown my sorrow but maybe to just have that feeling - that totally relaxed sort of drifty feeling....
The wedding and reception is taking place at a country club. Perhaps I will go out and wander outside under the now waning/less full moon. Struggling.
posted by Colette at 11:06 AM
0 comments
Friday, October 06, 2006
Idiot box
...he was mesmerized - I have never seen anyone do that before, just stand in front of the screen watching....as if tansfixed...
Anyhow this really sucked - which is a bummer.
Question - does anyone know if this was based on a comic?
Do NOT rent this - it simply got way too campy at the end.
Anyhow this really sucked - which is a bummer.
Question - does anyone know if this was based on a comic?
Do NOT rent this - it simply got way too campy at the end.
posted by Colette at 10:27 PM
0 comments
Where can you buy breasts and paradise?
Where can you buy breasts and paradise?
From Sir Erin....
(Note: Um...I think you are covered in the 'breasts' dept. dear)
*blush*
From Sir Erin....
(Note: Um...I think you are covered in the 'breasts' dept. dear)
*blush*
posted by Colette at 9:32 AM
0 comments
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Stealing...
(...this time from Mr. C - who stole this quote from Percy Shelly)
"If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him? If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future? If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers? If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him? If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has filled with weaknesses? If grace does everything for them, what reason would he have for recompensing them? If he is all-powerful, how offend him, how resist him? If he is reasonable, how can he be angry at the blind, to whom he has given the liberty of being unreasonable? If he is immovable, by what right do we pretend to make him change his decrees? If he is inconceivable, why occupy ourselves with him? IF HE HAS SPOKEN, WHY IS THE UNIVERSE NOT CONVINCED? If the knowledge of a God is the most necessary, why is it not the most evident and the clearest?"
- - Percy Shelly
"If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him? If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future? If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers? If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him? If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has filled with weaknesses? If grace does everything for them, what reason would he have for recompensing them? If he is all-powerful, how offend him, how resist him? If he is reasonable, how can he be angry at the blind, to whom he has given the liberty of being unreasonable? If he is immovable, by what right do we pretend to make him change his decrees? If he is inconceivable, why occupy ourselves with him? IF HE HAS SPOKEN, WHY IS THE UNIVERSE NOT CONVINCED? If the knowledge of a God is the most necessary, why is it not the most evident and the clearest?"
- - Percy Shelly
posted by Colette at 2:24 PM
1 comments
Life in the shape of decay.
It all started with my friend Scott. Because we work at the same place we see each other from time to time – always greeting with a hug. This time as he hugged me and I asked after him he told me his dad was admitted to hospice...it’s been coming...the gathering storm...life in decay...
Work’s been blasé, stressful, and irritating…
‘This ain’t the summer of love’; ‘Love, love will tear us apart...’
People around me are imploding in their relationships…a frantic call from a friend who is barely hanging by a thread...listening to stories about others’ marriages failing...love in decay...
Last night was the concert at the Beachland Ballroom to see Ladytron. Mr. C and I went. Beforehand, I stopped at his friend’s (Danny who lives above a funeral home with his girlfriend Stephanie) – to meet prior to the concert. Danny and Stephanie looked like death warmed over (pun intended). Both are doing the ‘student’ thing and seemed just totally lethargic.
Danny greeted me: ‘SO how’s the new ‘man’ thing?’
Me: ‘Ah….*shrugs* OK…today’s a bad day to ask...’
Him: ???????
As I was leaving he told me ‘C – don’t do the ‘girl thing’’
WTF?
So yeah there may be a little bit of trouble in paradise but what gets to me is that when you don’t answer in some sort of ‘glowing and/or incredibly blissful’ way about a new relationship, people think something is terribly wrong…
The concert was great. Got to meet Mr. C’s son – he was a riot – cute, funny, adorable, and affectionate. We had a lot of fun…he is a work in progress and it’s nice to meet that ‘Y chromosome’ from his set of offspring – he’s a great young man.
Amidst a venue of an old Croat hall there was music. First act was called CSS – the pint-sized dynamo who was the singer kicked ass. I really enjoyed them and their energy.
Then came Ladytron - music to decay by…intense, rhythmic, dark, trance/ambient/techno/Gothic/Germanic
Perhaps it was the beer, the clove cigarettes, the xtasy (insert drug of choice here) kicking in but after about 5 songs the hall was moving in syncopation, we stood close, you could smell body heat, you could feel people’s breath we swayed/moved in unison we seemed of one mind.
Got home called Erin, talked, went to bed.
Slept fitfully. Woke up upset, fretful, concerned.
Life isn’t smooth. ‘Fasten your seat belts, we’re in for a bumpy ride!’
I struggle with trust (rightly so I might add). I struggle period…don’t we all? I say and write things that cause me problems. I STILL think too much. I want to be reassured but there’s no reassurance when the problems lie within or when the things I perceive AS issues are ‘pooh-poohed’. (Keep telling yourself 'it’s JUST a relationship, it’s JUST a relationship' – Dorothy clicking those ruby slippers). Perception might be within the eye of the beholder but it’s still there – I was once told when studying psychology that YOUR reality may be flawed but it is the ONLY reality your perceive – sometimes it’s hard to move past your own limitations for whatever reason If it grows wearisome to the other parties so be it...I wonder what the point is a lot of the time...I’m not little Miss Mary Sunshine, and I never have been….I never will be which is fine. I am filled with joy and hope and sometimes my darkness over-rides the joy and hope, but to me that *IS* normal – I hate perky, plastic people (don’t you?)...yeah OK, I thought so...
I want to be the person I am meant to be – whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. It’s changeable. I am not the same as I was yesterday, or will be tomorrow. Let me share my decay with you, perhaps together we will be able to stop it...
Yeah...
I’ll leave you to your thoughts...
Work’s been blasé, stressful, and irritating…
‘This ain’t the summer of love’; ‘Love, love will tear us apart...’
People around me are imploding in their relationships…a frantic call from a friend who is barely hanging by a thread...listening to stories about others’ marriages failing...love in decay...
Last night was the concert at the Beachland Ballroom to see Ladytron. Mr. C and I went. Beforehand, I stopped at his friend’s (Danny who lives above a funeral home with his girlfriend Stephanie) – to meet prior to the concert. Danny and Stephanie looked like death warmed over (pun intended). Both are doing the ‘student’ thing and seemed just totally lethargic.
Danny greeted me: ‘SO how’s the new ‘man’ thing?’
Me: ‘Ah….*shrugs* OK…today’s a bad day to ask...’
Him: ???????
As I was leaving he told me ‘C – don’t do the ‘girl thing’’
WTF?
So yeah there may be a little bit of trouble in paradise but what gets to me is that when you don’t answer in some sort of ‘glowing and/or incredibly blissful’ way about a new relationship, people think something is terribly wrong…
The concert was great. Got to meet Mr. C’s son – he was a riot – cute, funny, adorable, and affectionate. We had a lot of fun…he is a work in progress and it’s nice to meet that ‘Y chromosome’ from his set of offspring – he’s a great young man.
Amidst a venue of an old Croat hall there was music. First act was called CSS – the pint-sized dynamo who was the singer kicked ass. I really enjoyed them and their energy.
Then came Ladytron - music to decay by…intense, rhythmic, dark, trance/ambient/techno/Gothic/Germanic
Perhaps it was the beer, the clove cigarettes, the xtasy (insert drug of choice here) kicking in but after about 5 songs the hall was moving in syncopation, we stood close, you could smell body heat, you could feel people’s breath we swayed/moved in unison we seemed of one mind.
Got home called Erin, talked, went to bed.
Slept fitfully. Woke up upset, fretful, concerned.
Life isn’t smooth. ‘Fasten your seat belts, we’re in for a bumpy ride!’
I struggle with trust (rightly so I might add). I struggle period…don’t we all? I say and write things that cause me problems. I STILL think too much. I want to be reassured but there’s no reassurance when the problems lie within or when the things I perceive AS issues are ‘pooh-poohed’. (Keep telling yourself 'it’s JUST a relationship, it’s JUST a relationship' – Dorothy clicking those ruby slippers). Perception might be within the eye of the beholder but it’s still there – I was once told when studying psychology that YOUR reality may be flawed but it is the ONLY reality your perceive – sometimes it’s hard to move past your own limitations for whatever reason If it grows wearisome to the other parties so be it...I wonder what the point is a lot of the time...I’m not little Miss Mary Sunshine, and I never have been….I never will be which is fine. I am filled with joy and hope and sometimes my darkness over-rides the joy and hope, but to me that *IS* normal – I hate perky, plastic people (don’t you?)...yeah OK, I thought so...
I want to be the person I am meant to be – whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. It’s changeable. I am not the same as I was yesterday, or will be tomorrow. Let me share my decay with you, perhaps together we will be able to stop it...
Yeah...
I’ll leave you to your thoughts...
posted by Colette at 12:16 PM
0 comments
About Me
- Name: Colette
- Location: East of Cleveland by Lake Erie, Ohio, United States
I am a rebel. I am intelligent, creative, sexy, compassionate, funny, sarcastic, loving, romantic, spontaneous, moody at times, confused, confusing, a bit geeky, helpful and helpless at times, a good cook, a good listener, a good friend. I do not suffer fools gladly. I love good literature, good music, good cinema, good wine and good company with whom I can share all of those wonders. I am not your grandmamas Colette. ^_^
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*********************
50 THINGS ABOUT ME
*********************
COLETTE'S WRITING
Autumn Memories
Leaving My Home
Tracings of Memories
My Carnivale Season: Part I
My Carnivale Season: Part II
Prequel
Windmills of my Mind
Knowing
"All the Colours"
My writing surprises even me at times..
*********************
moon phases |
E-Mail: Colette
Previous Posts
- Love in the time of Covid
- Poetry (in the works)
- On writing and times past
- She's back...
- Should I stay or should I go
- The two passive-aggressive sisters
- Crossing enemy lines
- Momentum
- Life in the shape of decay (a repost)
- (From the 'Ministry of Silly Thoughts'...)
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